With a coffin, the dead person is on the inside.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Thursday, December 31, 2015
I Feel Bad For People Who Suck At Simulations. You Can Say, For Them, I Feel...
Sim-pathetic! (Ba-dum-tuss)
Fast And Furious [NSFW]
I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.
I guess next time I should be the one driving.
The Perfect Smash And Grab Bank Job.
Go to a bank. Get a job there and work there for years and years learning the place from the inside, and also learning how all of the processes and procedures are done, earning everyone's trust and respect, and simultaneously building up a 401k with matching while also going up the career ladder and taking more and more positions with more responsibility and more pay until one day you finally decide that it's over and walk out the door like nothing ever happened!
Little Mortie Got A Real Surprise When He Barged Into His Parents Room One Night.
“And you slap me for sucking my thumb?” he screamed.
A Guy Calls Into Work....
says he can't come in, he has a terrible hangover.
the boss says "well, when that happens to me, i ask my wife for sex, and that usually fixes me right up."
the guy says he'll try that.
later, he comes into work, ready to go. the boss sees him and says
"so, that worked, didn't it?"
the guy says "yes, it did, and you have a really nice house."
My Dick Was In The Book Of "Guiness World Records" Once ...
... until the librarian caught me and decided to throw me out
The Televangelist.
So a Televangelist during a recording of one of his shows, needed 2 volunteers.
"I NEED TWO VOLUNTEERS TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL FROM THEIR SOULS, GOD BLESS YOU."
First up, was a man on crutches.
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?"
"Kevin"
"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"
"I can't walk properly, not without these old crutches."
"WELL KEVIN, YOU GET BEHIND THAT SCREEN THERE AND I'LL MAKE SURE TO HEAL YOUR ASS.", and with that - Kevin slowly moves behind the screen.
"I NEED ANOTHER VOLUNTEER!"
Another young man proceeds to the stage.
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME SON?"
"T..T....T...T..Tom."
"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"
"I c...can...can...can't talk pro...proper...properly."
"GET YOUR ASS BEHIND THAT SCREEN AND WE WILL PRAY TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL!!!", and with that - Tom walks behind the screen. The Televangelist turns to the crowd:
"KEVIN IS DISABLED, TOM CAN'T TALK. IT IS TIME TO PRAY. IT IS TIME TO TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF THESE YOUNG BOYS. PRAY FOR THEIR SOULS. PRAY FOR THEIR BEING. PRAY ALL YOU CAN!", and the congregation begin to sway and pray.
After some time has passed, the Televangelist turns toward to the screen:
"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR LEFT CRUTCH", and there's the sound of clatter.
"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR RIGHT CRUTCH", and there's another clatter.
"TOM, SAY SOMETHING!", he shouts jubilantly.
"K..K...Kev...Kevin's fallen over."
My Girlfriend Asked Me If We Could Try Fitness...
I replied, "fitness? How about we try fitness dick in your ass."
An Old Man Walks Into A Bar....
And orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head
An Old Sergeant Major
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young
lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should
lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Guy Goes Into A Clock Shop
He walks up to the counter, unzips his pants, and puts his dick right on the counter.
The woman at the counter says "Sir! This is a clock shop."
"Oh," says the man, "in that case, why don't you go ahead and put two hands and a face on this thing."
An American Indian Is Born With One Testicle...
After seeing his birth defect his parents decided to name him One Stone. Growing up, One Stone hated his name and was teased by the entire tribe. He was especially embarrassed when girls would call him by his name.
One day a couple of sisters, Yellow Bird and Blue Bird, visit from a neighboring tribe. One Stone catches Yellow Bird's eye, so she asks one of the other men in the tribe what his name is before approaching him. Yellow Bird comes up to One Stone one her first night and says "hey One Stone I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk?" One Stone's face gets red with anger when he hears her using his name. He agrees to the date but when they go into the woods he drags her farther out and rapes her for 3 days straight until she dies of exhaustion. One Stone comes back to town after killing Yellow Bird and shortly after Blue Bird approaches him. "Hey One Stone have you seen Yellow Bird?" Again angry that she called him by his name, One Stone drags Blue Bird out into the woods to the same spot he raped Yellow Bird. He proceeds to rape her for two weeks straight but she just won't die because you can't kill two birds with one stone.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Once There Was A Guy Named Jim Sloan...
He had a very interesting pet in town. His pet was a rock named Teddy who allegedly could move on his own and loved to eat sugar. There was another man in the same town named James . James had a pet too but his pet was an Iguana. This Iguana was named Kate. James was also Jim's long time rival in the town. One day, James challenged Jim to a race between their pets. Jim of course only makes his income through his pet rock so of course he obliges. Everyone in town hears about it and all bet on Kate winning obviously. Jim is bets all of his money. So finally the day of the race comes and Teddy and Kate are both standing at start. Jim places a bowl of sugar at the finish line so Teddy can win the race. The starting gun is fired and Kate runs off. Of course Teddy doesn't move. When Kate is a 1/3 of the way to the finish line Jim goes up to Teddy and whispers "Teddy I have a bowl of sugar at the finish line ok so you can start moving now." Obviously Teddy doesn't budge. Then Kate is 2/3 of the way there and Teddy hasn't moved at all. So Jim whispers to Teddy "Teddy if you don't move I will take a hammer and smash you to pieces." Then all of a sudden Teddy appears at the finish line and is eating sugar before Kate can reach. Everyone is astonished because they all just lost their money and saw a rock win a race. Jim collects the money and begins to take his rock home when James asks "Hey Jim how did your rock win." And Jim looks to him and says, "You know what they say, Sloan's Teddy always wins the race."
What's The Difference Between The Titanic And My Ex-girlfriend?
The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Man And Woman
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: 150 Rs. which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs 150 Rs. and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending 450 Rs. each day and each month at 13500 Rs. In one year, it would be approximately 162000 Rs. …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend 162000 Rs., not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at 32,40,000 Rs. correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari ?
I Had No Idea I Was In Michael Jackson Country
A salesman was in Dallas, Texas for the first time. He wandered into a bar & proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed. Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar's TV. "There's the biggest horse's ass who ever walked on earth," he exclaimed. With that, the cowboy sitting next to him stood, punched him in the jaw, & sat back down on the bar stool. "Whew," said the salesman, climbing back up on his bar stool. "I better be careful what I say. I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country." "You aren't in Michael Jackson country, you idiot," replied the bartender, "You're in HORSE country!"
Official Language Of The European Union
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased plan that would become known as Euro-English. In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of k. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replaced with f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent e in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!
Superman Is Flying Over The Ocean . . . NSFW
... And he spots Wonder Woman on an island lying spread-eagle naked on the beach.
He thinks, "Man, I've always wanted to fuck her."
So he flies down at super-sonic speed, drills her within seconds, and flies away chuckling.
Meanwhile, Wonder Woman says, "What the fuck was that?"
And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know . . . but my ass hurts like hell."
An Old Woman Was Driving Down The Highway...
An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be driving in the highway." The woman, with a confused look on her face then pointed to a sign up ahead and said, "But officer, that sign says the speed limit is 35! I had to have been obeying the speed limit!" The officer turned to see the sign that marked what highway they were on, highway 35. He then turned around, and looked at the women's friend, sitting in the back, eyes as big as silver dollars, he asked the woman in the back what was wrong. She replied quietly with "We just got off of highway 160."
They're Finally Making A Movie About That Guy Who Had A Romantic Relationship With His Clock.
It's about fucking time.
Mickey Mouse Goes To See A Divorce Lawyer...
...and requests that he gets divorced from his wife Minnie. The lawyer says "You request a divorce on the grounds that your wife is 'having or displaying protruding or crooked front teeth?" Mickey replies, "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!"
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Little Johnny Is In Class...
"What's a word that begins with B class?" Johnny raises his hand. "Bitch!" yells Johnny. "Yes," says the teacher "but do not curse! Now class, what's a word that begins with A?" To which Johnny quickly raises his hand and yells "Ass!" The teacher reprimands him but continues the lesson. "What about R class, can you think of any words that begin with R?" Johnny, undeterred, raises his hand and shouts, "Rat!" The teacher is glad to hear a non-profane answer but before she can respond Johnny finishes: "Big fucking rat with a cock this long!"
A Large Group Of Hells Angels Were Riding Down The Highway . . . .
A friend of mine posted this on his fb page. I'm not sure who to properly attribute it to, but I thought it should go here. My hat's off to the author.
Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Herr Freud, Why Would You Absentmindedly Sketch A Dick While Talking On The Phone?
Does it symbolize a cucumber? Are you a latent gardener?
- Sometimes a dick is just a dick.
Discipline
Nawaz Sharif, the prime minister of Pakistan arrives for his formal visit to India. The Indian prime minister, Narendra Modi, tries to impress him by showing India's military might. He parades the Indian army to Sharif and asks Sharif to shout any command and see how well disciplined the Indian army is.
Sharif shouts all the basic military commands, and Indian army obeys it to T. However, it is too hot and some of the soldiers, unable to bear the heat, faints. Seeing this, Sharif taunts Modi "Is this what you call discipline"?
Modi is pretty mad but doesn't utter a word.
Next, it's Modi's turn to visit Pakistan and observe Pakistan army.
He commands the Pakistani army "UNZIP YOUR PANTS"
The soldiers do so
"TAKE OUT YOUR WANGS"
The soldiers do so
"START JACKING OFF"
The soldiers do so.
As soon as the soldiers are about to ejaculate, Modi shouts "STOP"
None of the soldiers are able to stop and the entire ground is covered in soldier splooge.
Modi smiles at Sharif and says, "Is this what you call discipline?"
Two Muffins In An Oven.
One looks at the other and says "it's hot in here". The other looks back and says " holy shit a talkin muffin."
A Pint Of Milk
John has moved into an apartment close to a new store. John walks in late at night and asks for a pint of milk. The store owner gets angry as clearly they don't sell milk. "Fuck off chap we don't sell milk in here" yet he persists for the milk. So the store owner beats the crap out of him and John ends up in hospital. He gets out the next morning and goes about his day. Later on that evening John goes into the same store pestering for a pint of milk again. Store owner doesn't hesitate in beating the crap out of him this time. Again John spends the night in hospital. The same thing happens twice more but the last time the store owner says to John "come in here asking for a pint a milk again and I'll nail you to the floor" so the next evening John is back in the store. John asks "got any nails mate" store owner "no" quite angrily. "Give us a pint of milk the mate"
Tianjin's Disaster Could Have Been Prevented...
After all, the experts have warned us that China's population might explode.
Went To A Sperm Bank For The First Time Today
Don't think I'll go back thought because it's full of wankers.
Why You Shouldn't Ask Your Teacher For Red Ink
One day in class, a teacher told his students, "Class, please start making your paper in red" A student , who doesn't have a red pen, asks, "Sorry sir, but do you have red ink?"
Offended, he replies, "no, I have white."
Having Sex With A Tree
If you have sex with a tree, do you both have wood?
If you have sex with a tree and a dog, which one barks?
If you have sex with a tree, will it call you after or leaf you alone?
If you have sex with a tree, will you get termites?
If you have sex with a tree, are you green peace?
A Man Goes To A Bar After A Hard Day.
Max had a hard day of work with some extras, but his boss appreciated his commitment and he was rewarded with a raise. Since he has no one waiting for him in his apartment, he decides to go to his favorite pub to celebrate.
So he arrives, and pay for everyone's drink because of his mood. Everyone is happy and he is soon the man of the night. He then drinks a bit more, learn to know everyone, but he sees two girls on the other side of the bar which are ignoring him and not really cheering.
He goes to them, and to start the discussion, buy them drink. At first, they are a bit cold, but as he learns to know them, they appear way more happy and cheerful. As he finds out, they are both really beautiful and nice, but are also siamese sister, binded by the arm.
Since everyone drank much, he feels confident enough to ask all the question about the issues siamese people might encounter, and then, inhibited, try to hit on one of them.
Surprisingly, the girl is really responsive, as she later explain, a lot of people start to be uneased when they find out their condition, so she is pleased by the attention. He then ask about the other sister : " Is it ok ? Will she not feel uncomfortable ?" The courted sister answers that they are used to it, and because of their condition they learned to make concession to the other they have to live with.
After a while, and bolstered by the answers of the girls, Max ask the girls if they would like to go home with him for a last drink. The girls ask for a moment, go to the bathroom, probably to discuss a bit, then come back a accept the proposal.
As they drink in his appartment, things heat up between Max and the sister he fancies. He asks a last time the other sister if it is ok with her, and then they start to take off their clothes and to have sex together.
They do it once, twice, but as they start the third time, the second sister tap on Max's shoulder; asking, while taking the instrument out of her purse : "do you mind if I play the bugle while you're at it ?" Max is somehow shocked, but answer that, no he doesn't mind, he understands that she feel a little bit bored. The night of love continues, as Max is galvanized by the sound of the bugle and discovers new skills he was not aware of. When the morning comes, he is exhausted but had the best night of his life.
On the morning, he is told that his date really enjoyed the night, but, because of her condition, she could not really start a relationship together but she will try to keep in touch with him. Since Max had fun but don't know if he can really manage this situation on a daily basis, he is quite relieved to hear this.
Then, three months later, the sisters are walking in front of the bar. One say to the other : "You remember this bar ? We met a really cool guy there, he was really nice and we end up in his appartment." The other answers : "Yeah, it was a really nice night ! Do you think he remembers us ?"
So A Dad Wakes Up In The Hospital....
So a dad wakes up in the hospital, finding both his hands wrapped in bandages.
The doctor walks in; "Doctor, what happened to my hands!?" "You were in a car accident, but they should get back to normal" The man replies "But will I be able to play the piano?"
The doctor sighs, "is this one of those stupid jokes where you say 'oh great because I've never been able to do that'? "No!" "All right, then, yes you will be able to play the piano" The man giggles "Oh golly I've never been able to play the piano before!!"
Two Forks...
Two forks were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? Because forks can't fly. Two cows were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? He got a fork in his eye.
The Secret Of A Good Marriage
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.
She Must Do Some Of Those Special Exercises
A couple are on their first date. It goes well, they have fun, and at the end of the evening she invites him in for a drink. Soon they are making out on the couch.
After a while, she whispers, "Put your finger inside me."
After a bit longer, "Put another finger in."
Later, "Put all your fingers in."
"Put your whole hand in"
"That's wonderful. Now your other hand."
"Now slide both hands up, all the way to your elbows."
"Now clap."
He says, "I can't."
"Tight, huh?"
There Are Three Rings That Come With Every Marriage...
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and lastly the suffering.
Are You A Parking Ticket? Because You Got Fine Written All Over You
My girlfriend told me this one today, I was impressed
Monday, December 28, 2015
A Sphincter Walks Into A Bar Ran By A Proctologist Bartender
The sphincter tells the proctologist bartender he's grown tired of the usual beer he drinks.
The proctologist bartender tells the sphincter, "No worries! I'll open you up to new alcohol!"
What's The Similarity Between Your Zero-exercise Lifestyle And A Professional Weight-lifter Competing In The Olympics?
They both involve muscles and they both result in a-trophy.
What's The Similarity Between American Waitresses And The Jewish Community?
They both believe in tip shaming.
So I'm In A Hotel And Call The Front Desk Saying, "Hey! I Gotta Leak In The Sink!"
The clerk says, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."
(Henny Youngman)
Why Don't You Ever See An Elephant In A Tree?
Because they are so good at hiding!
.... except for this one!
Why Do You Ask?
This is before the white man comes to America. There is a young native american boy sitting by the fire in the early morning. The boy starts to hear a baby crying from a tee pee and then sees his father emerging from the tee pee. The boy asks, "why are leaving the tee pee when the baby had just been born"? The father replies, "Well son, it is tradition in our tribe that when we have a new member the family, we step out of the tee pee and the first thing we see is what we will name the child...why do you ask two dogs fucking"?
What Is A Horse Being When It Says Mean Thinga
It's being neigh-gitive!
Edit: Awesome. Screwed up the title
Officer Couldn't Believe His Eyes.
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"
Korean Hot Dogs
[My wife came up with this joke]
If hot dogs made from turkey are called turkey dogs... Then Koreans eat doggie dogs.
Yo Girl, Are You A Zero APR Loan?
Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
When Someone Tells You That The Integers Are A More Useful Set Of Numbers Than The Natural Numbers, Stop Talking To Them.
You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
A Lonely Old Woman Goes To A Pet Store To Find A Companion...
A lonely old woman goes to the pet store with the hopes of finding a pet to keep her company.
The store owner says "I have just the thing for you! We have a parrot that I think would be the perfect fit. He speaks over 500 words." The old woman is elated, buys the parrot, and takes him home. Sure enough, the parrot is a delightful companion and they barely spend a second apart for the entire week.
On Sunday morning, the old woman goes to church - but not wanting to be away from her parrot, brings him along by hiding him in her purse. Halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse onto her shoulder and shouts "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Horrified, she tries to cram him back into her purse - but he jumps out again, onto her shoulder, and again screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". The entire congregation sits in silent horror, staring at the old woman and the bird. She grabs her parrot and runs out of the church, embarrassed beyond belief.
First thing on Monday morning, she returns to the pet store and says "You have to take him back. He jumps out and screams obscenities in church!" to which the store owner knowingly nods his head and says "I was worried that might happen. Look, it will probably never happen again... but just in case, the next time he does it, just grab him by his feet, swing him around your head three times, and put him back on your shoulder. That's how he's been taught to know when he's saying something he shouldn't." Hesitantly, she takes the parrot home again.
The week goes by perfectly pleasantly - the two of them are fast friends. On Sunday morning, she takes him with her to church. The same as the previous week, halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse, onto her shoulder, and screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Without skipping a beat, she grabs him by his feet, swings him around her head three times, and puts him back on her shoulder, at which point he screams "AND IT'S FUCKING WINDY TOO!".
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Why Did Mary Fall Of Her Swing?
Because she had no arms.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge? Open the door and put it inside.
How do you put a giraffe on a fridge? Open the door, take the elephant out and put it inside.
The lion king hosted a party, what animals missed it?
The giraffe because it was stuck in the fridge and the elephant because it was sick at home.
A man is crossing a river by its side known to be full of aligators and suddenly falls onto it. To his great surprise no alligator is there to be seen. Why is that? Because they're at the king's party.
The elephant, sick at home, hears a knock on the door. Do you know who that was? Not Mary.
A Man And A Woman Who Had Never Met Before But Were Both Married To Other People Found Themselves Assigned To The Same Sleeping Compartment On A Trans-continental Train...
though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
A Polar Bear Comes Home From School One Day....
he asks his older sister "am I a polar bear? are you a polar bear? are mom and dad polar bears? are grandma and grandpa polar bears?"
his sister says yes to all the questions and tells him to leave her alone.
he goes to his mom and asks her, she says yes.
he goes to his dad and asks, his dad says" look, YOU are a polar bear. Your sister is a polar bear, me and your mom and both your grandparents are polar bears. why are you asking this????
the young polar bear says "cause i'm freezing my ass off."
Why Does Hillary Have Sex With Bill First Thing In The Morning?
Because she wants to be the First Lady.
If I Have 10 Cookies And Someone Takes One Away - How Many Cookies Do I Have?
10 cookies and some bloody knuckles
A Family Of Bunny Rabbits Go Out Looking For Food.
Papa rabbit, Mama rabbit, and Baby rabbit go hopping from yard to yard, looking for anything to eat. To their disappointment, they find nothing. Being too early in the year for crops to grow, every garden they find is bare. The rabbits begin to worry they may starve.
They arrive at a park where they see a boy flying a kite. He takes a rest for a moment to open a lunch container filled to the brim with vegetables. Carrot sticks, cucumbers, broccoli. The boy takes a few and munches on them by himself.
The rabbits watch from a distance and are salivating. Mama rabbit says to the Papa rabbit, “you should go up to him. Ask him if he'll share some of those carrots with us.”
Papa rabbit shakes his head. “Nooo,” he says. “Humans don't like us. They always build fences around their gardens to keep us out. He'd never share those carrots with us.”
Mama rabbit says, “please? We are starving. Ask him anyway. Maybe he'll be generous, just this once.”
Papa rabbit says, “why don't YOU ask him? If you think he'll share with us, you be the one to ask him.”
Mama rabbit backs away, and says “nooo, I could never! You ask him! You're the brave one of us. I'd be too frightened!”
Baby rabbit says “will you two stop arguing? I'LL ask him, if neither of you will!”
Before they can stop him, Baby rabbit hops up to the little boy. Baby rabbit says, “excuse me. I noticed you've got some vegetables there. They look awfully delicious, and you've got far too many to eat by yourself. My family here is very hungry. We actually haven't had a full meal in quite a few days. I don't suppose you'd mind sharing just a few of those carrots with us?”
The little boy looked at the baby rabbit, and do you know what he said?
He said,
“HOLY SHIT! A TALKING RABBIT!”
My Dog Keeps Whimpering At Her Empty Food Bowl.
So I put her in another room. I'm not sure what that bowl did to her, but it's obvious it upset her.
How Many Animals Can You Fit Into A Pair Of Panty Hose?
2 calves, an ass, 1 beaver, a shit load of hares, a camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.
My Daughter's At That Age Where Kids Start Asking Awkward Sex Questions.
Just the other day, she said "Is that the best you can do?"
A Roman Farmer Is Working In A Field...
..and he comes across this berry bush. On it he finds the most perfect, plump berry he had ever seen.
He decides it must be The God Of Berries. So he immediately gets down on his knees and begins to worship and praise the berry.
After a while, he plucks the berry and brings it home to show his wife. "Wow, that's some berry!", she says, immediately recognizing its significance.
She puts it on the mantle of the fireplace, and she and her husband get on their knees, praising and worshiping the berry.
Word eventually spreads to the neighbors. They start showing up at the door: "We heard about the berry!"
Soon the entire region is worshiping and praising this berry.
Eventually word reaches the local Roman magistrate that there is a religion rising around this berry. Concerned that it may be supplanting Roman dominance, he dispatches his best legion to take the berry captive.
The legion arrives at the farm and the captain knocks on the farmer's door.
The farmer answers, see the legion, and asks, "Have you come to praise the berry?"
The legionnaire answers, "No, we come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
A Guy Has A Horny Parrot
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?"
Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"
Speaking Of Crabs Growing An Extra Claw. . .
One of my favorite Rodney Dangerfield jokes, "Hey, I'll tell ya, I get no respect. The other night I went out for a fancy dinner and the waiter brung me a lobster with only one claw. I says, hey! What gives?! He said, I'm sorry sir, sometimes they fight in the tank. So I said, well bring me the one that won!"
Edit: stupid homophones.
A Frog Goes To The Bank To Get A Loan...
A frog goes to the bank to get a loan, walks up to the teller, sees her name tag and says politely "Hello Ms. Pattywack I would like to take out a loan." She asks him his name and he replies "Kermit McJagger". She then asks him if he has any collateral and he places a small elephant statue on the table. She says "Sir this will not do." The frog says that's ridiculous let me see the manager. So she calls out the manager and explains the situation. He says everything is fine he gets the loan. Ms. Pattywack was very annoyed he would give a loan to this frog that easily when he had no collateral. She yells at the manager "what do you think you're doing?! He doesn't have anything!" Then she turns to the frog and yells "What is that stupid thing anyway?" By now the manager has had enough and says "That's a knick knack Pattywack now give this frog a loan, cuz his old man's a rolling stone!"
The Amish Woman And The Pennsylvania State Trooper
An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding........
.......I'm just kidding."
The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia. It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."
The woman replies "Oh dear... well my husband is the one that rigs the horses. I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay. But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."
The officer ended with "Please do as soon as you can. Have a nice day."
The woman gets home and says "Pa?"
Her husband yells down "Yes, ma?"
To which she replied "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."
-Thanks to the late, late Tom Snyder for this joke
A Joke For The British.
Some urine got into my eye whilst cleaning the lavatories at a kid's nursery yesterday.... ....I'm putting in a claim for Pee Pee Eye.
Bullet Babies
A pregnant woman bearing triplets walks alone one night. As she takes her usual shortcut she is suddenly robbed at gunpoint. After she is robbed, the man shoots her in the stomach three times. After an emergency trip to the doctors she surivives, but there is one complication, the bullets were unretrievable due to her pregnacy and not wanting to risk the lives of her son and two daughters, she leave the bullets in.
14 years later the mother is sitting alone in the lounge. Suddenly she hears running. It's the first daughter who yells "Mum! Mum! I was having a wee and a bullet came out, what's wrong with me?". So the mother explains the story to her. "Mum!, Mum! I was having a poo and a bullet came out!" yells the second daughter. So the mother explains the story again. BANG! The son runs in, "Mum! Mum! I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"
We've All Been Yelled At...
Let us all just take a moment of silence for the times we have been yelled at for doing something wrong on reddit...
The Police Raid A Gambling Ring...
The police raid a latin gambling ring, and all of the suspects claimed to speak no English. By the time the media arrived, the suspects were in custody and had given their statements to police.
A confused reporter asks an officer, "How did you get their statements? We understand that none of them speaks any English?"
The officer replies, "It's a lot like shooting pool. The harder you hit, the better the English."
(Allegedly a true story from the 70's, but I have my doubts so I shared it)
A Computer Developer After Spending Time With His Girlfriend
And after he makes love to her he tells her that they're compatible together and to not update the drivers
Visit To The Zoo
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.
When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded sagely and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid meant “Fuck you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.
The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knive and a party horn.
Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up the horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and solemnly pulled down his eyelid.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
I Went To The Blacksmiths For A Job Interview
He asked me "have you ever shoed a horse before?" I replied "no, but i told a donkey to fuck off."
Three Women Are Bragging About Their Conquests In A Bar
The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".
The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".
The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.
One For The Freaks In Us All...
A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says he has a problem. He says he always seems distracted, has anxiety, and cant get any work done. Pulling down a stack of paintings from a shelf, the psychiatrist begins his examination with an inkblot test.
Phyc: What do you see here?
Man: i see... a naked lady.
Phyc: ok.. how about now?
Man: i see... a naked ladies bush
Phyc: ... alright... how about now ?
Man: a lady bug...
Phyc: begins writting
Man: ... and shes naked.
Phyc: ok sir, i think i know what your problem is. You're a sex addict; and thats the cause of your troubles.
Man: SEX ADDICT?! who are you calling a sex addict and you're the one with all these naked pictures tucked away??
A Man Goes To The Doctor
He says he has been having dreams where one night, he is a teepee, and the other night he is a wigwam.
Doctor says: "That's an easy one, you're too tense!"
(Two tents)
Royal Donkey
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
I'm Going To Change My Facebook Name To "benefits" So...
When someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with benefits."
My Wife Was Trying To Describe What It's Like Shopping For A Bra.
As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice and feels good."
...
I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."
Daddy! Daddy! I Can't Stop Running In Circles!
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
A Family Is At The Dinner Table.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
A Guy Wanted Some Sex Tips...
Two guys were having a discussion about women. Guy 1 says to the other: "Man, I've got this gorgeous babe, but I've never had sex, and have no idea what I'm doing!" Guy 2, who happened to be quite good at sex said: "No problem! Saturday, when you guys go back to your house to do it, I'll hide behind the wall and you put this little radio device in your ear, and I'll tell you exactly how to please her!" They agree.
So Saturday roles around, and the guys get all set up for Guy 1 to have sex with the girl. So they're getting naked, and Guy 2 radios guy 1: slowly undress her. Guy 1 does what Guy 2 says. Then Guy 2 says: "good now kiss her neck". Again, Guy 1 does it. But suddenly, Guy 1 has this urge to take a sht. He politely excuses himself and runs into the bathroom to take a sht. While he's in there, the girl then has to take a sht too! But the guy isn't done and probably won't be for a while. So she looks around and finds an empty shoe box, and proceeds to take a sht in there. She hides it kind of under the bed, but not completely, as Guy 1 is coming out of the bathroom just as she finished. Guy 2 radios back into Guy 1: "ok now look at her, walk towards her and climb on top of her. Then you just put your dick in her vagina and move it in and out and that's it, simple." Guy 1 proceeds to perform said actions, but when he gets to the end of the bed, he stepped into the shoe box the girl used. He screamed out, "IT'S A SHIT BOX!!"... And Guy 2 radios back: "Wrong hole!!!"
A Girls Gotta Do What A Girls Gotta Do
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Because it had been hit by a car in a highway, and had been impaled on the mangled grill.
Why Don't Woman Have Urinals In Their Bathroom
Because they would clog it up with their tampons. HA HA j/k
Why Was Albert Einstein's Dad Afraid To Teach Him Vowels?
Because everytime he tried, he kept owing his son money!
Buying Onions
This happened in front of my eyes.
At the grocery store. Guy in his 20's bought a red onion, the cashier dude rang it, but with the wrong price. Guy: - Think you got the wrong onion code. Cashier: - Oh right, this was for the yellow ones. (He changes the code but turns out the price was the same) Cashier: - Well, guess we're not racist towards our onions. Guy: -...That's right, we can own either one of them for the same price.
I Stopped At A Friend's House The Other Day And Found Him Stalking Around With A Fly-swatter. When I Asked If He Was Getting Any Flies, He Answered:
'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'
Kid Asks His Mother: "how Was I Born?"
Mother not wanting to tell him about sex yet, decides to say "Fairies brought you here"
Kid not satisfied with the answer, goes to dad and asks the same question. Dad gasps for a moment and says the same thing "the fairies brought you here"
Apparently the kid is still not satisfied and goes to his grandma and asks "Grandma, how was I born?"
Grandma: "fairies brought you here"
The Kid gets flustered and says:"WTF, nobody fucks around here?"
A Joke My Kid Told Me Today.
Him: dad guess who is the smallest family in the world? Me: I don't know, who? Him: the atoms family. Not bad for 7 years old.
My Doctor Told Me To Eat More Taco Bell.
Well actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant
I Think A Gay Guy Hit On Me In A Bar...
He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Friday, December 25, 2015
A Blonde Heard That Baths In Milk Would Make Her Beautiful...
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Hope you enjoyed it :)
(Posted it in /r/funny first, thought it would make more sense here haha)
I Recently Bought A Dog From A Blacksmith...
And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door.
I'm Gonna Become A Producer And Actor In A Set Of Horror-themed Pornos.
I'll call myself Alfred Hitch-Cock.
A 5-year-old Boy...
... went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted..
What Did One Atom Say To The Other?
"I lost an electron..."
The other atom asks "Are you sure?"
First atom replies, "I'm positive!"
What Did The Hat Say To The Scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
Credit goes to a Laffy Taffy wrapper from some years ago.
Two Blondes Are Walking In The Woods
Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks. One looks at them and says "Wow, wolf tracks!"
The other looks down and scoffs. "Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!"
"No they are not" says the first. "I've spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!"
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
A Bridge Fire
claimed the life of a youth yesterday when the rest of the group he was with leaped to safety into the water below. In an interview the grieving parents stated, "we can't explain it but somehow we feel responsible for this."
An Old Family Secret
A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down. He gets out and walks about a mile until he finds a driveway. He follows the driveway up to a farmhouse. On the porch was an old farmer lounging in his rocking chair. He says to the man, "Well, how you doing son?" The man says, "Sorry to bother you, but my car broke down. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call for a ride." Farmer says, "Sure thing. Head right in and make yourself at home." The man heads in and calls for a ride. As he comes back out to the porch he turns to the farmer and says, "I noticed you have some milkweed at the end of your driveway. If you give me a jar, I will go over and come back with some milk." The farmer says, "You're crazy boy! You cant get milk from a milkweed!" The man says, "It's an old family secret. If you give me a jar I will come back with some milk." The farmer complies and he heads over to the end of the driveway. Sure enough he comes back to the farmer with a jar full of milk. The farmer yells, "How in the heck did you do that boy!?!" He replies, "It's an old family secret." The farmer says, "I like you son. You come back anytime." The man leaves. A couple weeks pass and the man finds himself on the same road. He decides to pay the farmer another visit. He arrives at the farmhouse to find the farmer lounging in the same rocking chair. The farmer says, "I remember you! How you doing son?" The man says, "I'm good. I noticed you have some honeysuckle at end of the driveway. If you give me a jar, I will come back with honey." The farmer again cries, "You're crazy boy! You can't get honey from a honeysuckle!" The man says, "It's an old family secret." The farmer gives him a jar again and he goes to the end of the driveway. Sure enough he comes back with a jar full of honey. The farmer screams, "How did you do that boy!?!?" The man replies, "It's an old family secret." The farmer says to him, "You can come back anytime." A few more weeks pass and the man decides to pay the farmer a visit again. He pulls up to the farmhouse and sees the farmer lounging in the same rocking chair. The farmer says, "Well, its good to see you. How you doing son?" The man replies, "I'm good. So I noticed at the end of your driveway you have some pussy willow. If you.." The farmer interrupts the man, "Hold on. I'm coming with you for this one!"
A 3 Year Old Is A Lot Like Bill Cosby
When you Wake up from a nap and they're naked, doing a bunch of shit you dont like
Q:where Do You See Yourself In 5 Years?
A:I don't know i dont have 2020 vision
All credit goes to /u/RegretDesi
My Girlfriend And I Are Having A Disagreement.
My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player… I want us to see other people.
The Elephant Man
A man takes his elephant to the airport. The guard stops him, saying he is forbidden from bringing animals aboard, and the man retreats back home with his elephant. The next day the man returns to the airport with his elephant. The man puts bread crumbs into the elephants ears and walks up to the same guard. The guard says, "I told you yesterday, no animals." The man replies, "This is a sandwich."
The Fastest Thing In The World
Four men were arguing about what they thought was the fastest thing in the world.
The first man says: I think it's a thought, because when you think of something, it's in your head instantly.
The second man says: I think it's a blink, because when you wink at someone they barely even see it.
The third man says: I think it's electricity, because when you flip a switch, power from miles away arrives instantly, and your light turns on.
The fourth man says: No, no, no, it's diarrhea, because yesterday, before I could think, blink, or turn the light switch on, I shit my pants.
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!
A Guy Is Wandering Through The Mountains On A Perfect Day...
...the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, a soft, cool breeze flows through his hair. As the man rounds a corner, he hears a sound in the distance that sounds like a child crying. As he gets closer, sure enough, there is a little boy sitting on a rock crying in great agony. The man approaches.
"Little boy, little boy, what's wrong?"
The little boy is so filled with grief that he can't even answer the man. He shakes his head and starts to cry harder, burying his face in his hands. The man asks again.
"Little boy, little boy, what's wrong?"
The little boy, bless his heart, somehow summons the strength to lift his hand and point to a clearing nearby. The man walks towards the clearing, and finds there is a rather sudden cliff of about 200 feet, and at the bottom, the bodies of two adults.
"Oh god.... little boy, were those your parents?" the man inquires.
The little boy, racked with sorrow, lets out an even louder cry and nods his head. The man looks back at the bodies, and shakes his head before turning around.
As he unbuttons his pants, he says to the little boy, "Man, today is just not your day".
From The Makers Of Head & Shoulders...
From the company that brought you Head & Shoulders, the dandruff shampoo for your head comes... Knees & Toes: for when you have a dandruffy crotch. If you have dandruff all around, just get Head & Shoulders Knees & Toes. If the crotch region is especially bad: Head & Shoulders Knees & Toes, Knees & Toes!
So, Two Women Friends Meet To Let Their Kids Play Together. All Would Be Good If Not For This Moth.
It was flapping around and generally being a dick, you know? So one woman smacked it to death. Unfortunately, it turns out this was the other woman's pet moth. And it had a moth spouse. Sad story.
I guess what I'm saying is, that mother smothered other mother's moth's other there.
(My first attempt at that, hope you like)
A Little Walk With Dad.
So I was walking down the street with my dad the other day, and two youngsters, possbile who did not even hit the 15 yet, walked infront of us. And they were talking loudly and one asked the other "Why do some old dudes walk like they´ve shit them self?"
My dad promptly answered "97% its lower back pain, 3% is a misjudged fart."
What Is The Difference Between A Cat Fish And A Lawyer?
One is a shit eating bottom sucker.
The other one is a fish...
How Many Asians Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
2.
1 to change the light bulb, the other to take pictures.
I Wanted To Open A Place Where People Could Drink And Go Dancing. A Portion Of All Proceeds Would Be Donated To A Nature Reserve Where Threatened Species Could Breed And Raise Their Offspring In Peace. But I Had To Close It Down.
I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.
I Got Shocked By Lighting The Other Day!
I told the doc I was worried about medical expenses. He said not to worry I won't be charged.
Edit: I'm on mobile, autocorrect got me. Disregard spelling mistake in title!
A Greek And A China Man . . .
Had restaurants side by side in a strip mall. Every Friday the Greek man would visit the China man and ask, "Hey Chinaman, what day is it?" to which he would reply, "It's Flyday" and the Greek man would laugh and laugh as he walked out.
For several months this went on, and finally the China man decided to practice saying Friday. Over the next week he spent several hours a day practicing his pronunciation.
When Friday rolled around once again the Greek man came into the Chinese restaurant and said, "Hey Chinaman, what day is it?" The China man pointed his finger at the man and shouted, "It's Friday, you Gleek Plick!"
Fishing Joke/pun. Can I Copyright This
Im a city slicker whos gone fishing 3 years now with a so called expert fisherman to the same lake. In 3 years we have caught Nothing.
Last day of our 6 day trip, we are packing up to leave. My friend Tom turns to me and says " So, you want to out for a small troll." I said, "No. but I will go out for a big trout."
Can I copyright this.
The Teacher Is Asking A Student A Question.
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I Saw A Guy Struggling With The Frozen Vending Machine Trying To Get Some Ice Cream.
Really paralleled my attempts to reach my ex-girlfriend's heart.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
I Just Said This To A Friend That Wants To Become A Singer.
Your voice is great and you have a face made for radio.
She said thanks with a wide smile...then thought about it for a second and slapped me in the arm. (All in good fun)
Racists In Line!
In line for burgers Fred:Would jew like to tell me a joke? Will: I was walking through a field when a german shepard bit me. I was outraged! He apologised and introduced me to his dog. Fred: I did nazi that coming! Man at the till: Stop stalin, have your jewlicious burgers
How Is The Male High School Graduate Like The Menopausal Woman?
Their lives will no longer be divided into periods.
A Bus Full Of Nuns Is On His Way To A Pilgrimage...
but as they drive over a bridge, the bridge is collapsing and all of them die. They come to heaven and stand in line before Petrus. He asks the first nun: Dear sister, have you ever sinned? 1st nun: Well, it might be that my finger once happened to touch a penis Petrus: Your sins shall be forgiven. Put your finger in this stoup and walk through the gates of heaven. He asks the second nun the same question and she answers: Well, it might be that my hand once happened to touch a penis. Petrus: I see, dear sister but you shall enter heaven. Put your hand in this stoup and walk through the gates of heaven. Suddenly there is a skirmish in the back of the line and Petrus exclaims: Dear sisters, dear sisters! Why the uproar? Sister Maude shouts: I sure do want to gargle before sister Bertha puts her ass in the stoup!
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? [NSFW?]
To get to the little bitch's house.
knock, knock
The chicken.
Soldiers In Arms
The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray....is now a seasoned veteran.
A Woman Went To Therapy
To understand why she and her husband were fighting all the time
"I'm scared whenever he screams at me"
"Has he ever hit you?"
"No not but it's only a matter of time"
"Okay I think I know how we can mitigate this. Whenever you two get into an argument, drink a half glass of water and swirl some in your mouth during the argument"
"Wha..what?"
"Just do it"
Two weeks later, the lady came back to the therapist's office for a follow up.
"I see you're beaming, I guess things turned out well?"
"Oh yes, you could not imagine how much he changed. Our relationship is stronger than its ever been, how did you make this happen?"
"Your mouth was kept shut whilst you were swirling the water"
How Many People Does It Take To Change A Clinton's Lightbulb?
Two. One to stand on the desk and one to go underneath.
Billy Bob Decides He's Gonna Divorce His Wife ...
The local parson hears of it and pays Billy Bob a visit to see what the trouble is.
"So, I hear you're intending to divorce your wife," the parson says over coffee.
"Yep," replies Billy Bob.
"Has she been unfaithful to you, Billy?" the parson asks.
"No sir," says Billy Bob. "Fanny Sue ain't one to run around cheatin'."
"Is she abusive to you?" the parson ventures further.
"No sir. Never raised a hand to me."
"Well, does she neglect her wifely duties to the household?"
"No sir. Always done what chores needed doin'."
"I see. Well then, is she a big nagger?"
"No sir. She's just a little bitty white woman."
On The Street A Person Has A Heart Attack.
On the street a person has a heart attack.
Someone shouts:
- Is there a doctor?
Vegan:
- I am a vegan.
An Old Hillibilly With Three Daughters
An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way. One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date. Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date. Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.
My Friend's WoW Character Couldn't Go Forward Anymore. You'll Never Guess What He Said !?
" wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
I Used To Try To Be Good At Sports And Win Trophies.
Now I just buy trophies so I am an expert all sports.
COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)
Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:" Why the costly option?"
Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!
Lady Goes To A Sex Shop..
she goes to the vibrator section as she is looking for something to satisfy her needs. she gazes upon this big red one and soon after the clerk came and asked her if she needed any assistance finding anything. The lady replies, "I'm just curious how much this big red dildo is." The clerk responded slightly concerned, "ma'am that one is not for sale." The lady questioned him why she was not able to purchase the big red dildo. The clerk then says, "well ma'am that's a fire extinguisher."
A Teacher In Wales Got Arrested
They found a pencil, a ruler and a geometry set square. Allegedly he was part of the Al-gebra network and purchased "weapons of math instruction"
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Dating Woes
I once went out with a girl who had told me she studied psychology in university.
Later on in our relationship, it turned out she was a compulsive liar.
In the end, her psyche major was a major psych.
Chinese Culture Lesson
In china people used to eat weed That's why they saw dragons and can't open their eyes again.
Meeting The Parents
A man goes to meet his girlfriends parents, but they live far away and he doesn't have a car.
So off he goes looking for a car - and he finds one, a clunky banger but with a really clean engine.
"Nice car man" he says to the seller, "That is one smooth engine."
"You bet," says the seller, and then with some afterthought, "tell you what kid, I like the look of you - I'll sell this car to you cheap if you promise to keep her in good nick."
"Hell yeah!" he says eagerly, still amazed by sound of the engine
"Good, all you need to do is put some lube down the exhaust just before it starts to rain. You must do this without fail, or it will rust. You promise?"
"Promise," he says, and gladly pays the seller who hands him over the keys and a large tub of lube for the rain.
That evening he sets off with his girlfriend to her parents house in their new car, and right as he's about to ring the doorbell - his girlfriend grabs his hand and says:
"My parents are very nice accommodating people, but they have ONE rule - whoever talks first during dinner has to do the washing up."
The guys shrugs 'okay', and in they go.
Her parents really are as easy-going and open-minded as his girlfriend made them out to be, but then they all sat down for dinner and the conversation suddenly stopped.
They all ate in silence, and as each course of the meal progressed the plates started to pile up. That sure is one big stack of washing up thought the man to himself, these guys will probably commit murder before they speak again.
Figuring that he could get away with anything, he gets up and stands behind his girlfriend, and starts fondling her breasts really intimately, finally pulling her up from the chair and breaking out into full blown sex on the dinner table as her parents watch in mute bewilderment.
After he finishes and no one says a word, he looks past his girlfriend at her mother and figures that she's not that bad looking either. He gets up and stands behind his girlfriend's mother, and starts fondling her breasts really intimately, finally pulling her up from the chair and breaking out into full blown sex on the dinner table as her husband and her daughter watch in mute bewilderment.
After he finishes and still no one has said a word, he looks past his girlfriend's mother and sees that it is raining outside. Remembering what he was told to do for the car exhaust, he pulls out the giant tub of lube and -
"Stop" says the father, "I will do the washing up."
Why Are Gay Men So Well Dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Edit: ( ͡ʘ ͜Ê– ͡ʘ)
My German Friend Brought His Newly-bought Laptop To Me...
...and said "I shouldn't have bought one with a English keyboard. Can you tell me what this is?"
He then pointed at the space bar.
Four Years Ago, I Asked The Most Beautiful Girl In The World Out On A Date.
Thirty minutes ago, I asked her to marry me. Both times she said no.
Happy Friday - Blonde Joke :)
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Why Did The Maniacal Chemist Drop A Rancher Into His Latest Concoction?
Because the rancher was a cattlist.
They Were Alone!
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed. He watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out.
She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on, as did their growing passion....
There came a moment when each knew they had to be together. They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch... the power was back on,
and... http://imgur.com/mJI4utL
Something On Our Sausages
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY
I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.
I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.
When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms
I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms
The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye
Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages
I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!
I Was On The Bus With My Friend The Other Day...
When I told the joke: "What do you do if you see an epileptc having a seizure in the bath? Throw your laundry in with him!"
Unfortunately, there was a man sitting behind us when I told this, and he leaned over the seat and said "That's not funny at all, my Son happened to die from having a seizure in the bath."
We were both obviously mortified, and the man got up to leave as it got to his stop. As he passed us we heard him say "The fucking idiot choked on a sock."
All credit for this joke goes to u/inmate992
Micky Mouse Is In Divorce Court
The judge says, "So you, uh, want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?" And Mickey says, "Um, no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fucking Goofy!"
I Went To Read The Dictionary, But...
My aardvark had the exact same idea before me. He didn't really get far.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
An Old Lady Goes Into A Sex Shop...
and asks the shopkeeper for something that'll help take care of herself. The shopkeeper recommends a stainless steel dildo. The old lady goes home, tries it, and returns to the shop the next day.
She tells the shopkeeper, "I didn't care for this. It was too cold."
The shopkeeper then recommends a wooden dildo. The old lady goes home, tries it, and returns to the shop the next day.
She tells the shopkeeper, "I didn't care for this. It gave me splinters."
The shopkeeper says, "I will give you this magical dildo we just got in stock. You're guaranteed to be satisfied. To get it to work, all you have to say is where you want the dildo to go, and it will fly in there automatically."
As the old lady was driving home to give her new toy a whirl, a bumble bee flew into her ear.
"Ahh! My ear!" says the old lady. And in that moment, the magical dildo kicks into action and flies into the old lady's ear. She starts swerving all over the road out of control until a cop pulled her over.
"Ma'am, you were driving all over the place. I'm afraid I'm going to take you to jail for reckless driving."
"Please Officer, try to understand. There was this magical dildo..."
"Magical dildo? Magical dildo my ass!"
Shipwreck
A cruise ship get badly damaged by the iceberg. Passengers crowd on the deck. It is obvious they need to jump into the water, but it's cold and three particular groups of tourists are hesistant.
Captain walks up to the first group, who are americans, tells them something and they all jump.
He goes to the second group, who are german, tells them something and they all jump.
He goes to the final group, says something and nobody jumps. After a minute, ine person jumps. Then another. Then another. Then they all jump.
First mate later asks what he said.
"I told americans it was patriotic. I told the germans it was an order".
"And the third group?"
"Those were russians. I told them it was forbidden."
Johnny
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Russell Crowe Was Arrested For Biting A Woman's Face Off.
When asked about it, he said he was "Glad he ate her".
Little Johnny Sees Mom In The Shower
Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower... he asks, "Mom, what's that slit between your legs?".
Feeling a little flustered, she replies "Oh, oh..uh, that's where your father accidentally hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot", says Johnny. "Right in the cunt".
Hugh The Legendary Hero.
One day up in the mountains a group of monks began planting flowers. They toiled away but nothing ever grew. Frustration got the most of them and one monk was killed over the flowers, and to everyone's surprise the flowers bloomed.
Now knowing what they needed was blood the monks began killing people from the nearby village.
The villagers cried out "Hero Hugh! We need your help." For Hugh was the legendary hero of old, but sadly he was saving other villagers.
The monks killed and killed, weeks went and again no Hugh. "Hugh, please answer our prayers, we need your help." The villagers cried out, but more deaths.
Hugh finally returns to see the town in ruin and the villagers weak. Seeing how the monks are killing these people he quickly leaps into action.
After a long fight, Hugh finally defeats all the monks and everyone rejoices. That just goes to show that only Hugh can stop florist friars.
Sally Was Walking Through The Park . . .
when a man jumped out from the bushes and told her to take off all her clothes, but Silly Sally just laughed and laughed. She knew there was no way her clothes would ever fit him.
A Jew In His Death Bed And A Rolex
A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.
In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."
"I see it daddy", answers the son
And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".
With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"
Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"
A Husband Buys A Lie Detector And Decides To Use It At Dinner
Despite his children being gathered at the table, he needed to know if his wife was cheating on him.
"Honey, did you cheat on me with Brad?"
"No"
The lie detector shocked her.
Were you expecting that overused joke that, when searched, takes up two whole pages of the exact same tired joke?
If Donald Trump Becomes President..
If Donald Trump becomes president of an Island population of only himself, there will still be anarchy.
Monday, December 21, 2015
The Moth Joke
So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.
"Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"
The moth says,"Your light was on."
Emotion Party
Heard this one from a customer at work today.
A couple is hosting a party and the theme is emotions, so everyone has to dress up as a certain emotion. At 8 the bell rings and a guy shows up in a green shirt and green pants. The couple asks what he is and he says, "I'm green with envy!" The couple says very creative and lets him in. Later the doorbell rings again and the couple opens it. A woman is dressed with red face paint and a red dress. They ask what she is and she says, "Don't you get it? I'm red with rage!" The couple chuckles and lets her in. A while late the doorbell rings again and one of their guy friends is standing naked, erect, and with a pear on his dick. The couple stand shocked, looks him up and down a couple times, and finally asks what he's supposed to be. He yells, "Don't you get it? I'm fucking dis pear!"
A Big City Lawyer...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
MORAL:
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you'll know which half.
At First I Thought The Chinese Restaurant Canceled My Reservation...
But then I realized I went to the Wong one.
Can I Have The Car Tonight?
A family lives in Alabama, the daughter asks her father if she can use the car that evening. he says "yes, but you know what you have to do for it." He begins to unzip his pants. So the Daughter starts giving him a blowjob, stops in disgust. "whats wrong honey?" says the father "you're dick tastes like shit!!" replies the daughter to which the father says "Oh thats right! your bother has the car tonight!"
An Elderly Man Went To The Doctor Because His Wife Wanted Him To Last Longer In Bed.
The doctor told him of a trick he had heard.
"If you pleasure yourself before you do the dirty, you'll be on a second wind and it's go time."
The man is on his way home from work and remembers the advice, pulls the car over. He climbs under the car and gets at it, closes his eyes and looks forward to impressing his wife.
He hears footsteps, but going, eyes on the prize.
It's a police officer, "Good afternoon, is everything OK?"
"No thanks, just checking the oil pressure, why do you ask?", almost there, eyes clenched tight.
"Your car rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
How To Do Math With Sex.
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply!
Marriage
Man: Finally! The day has come!
Woman: Can I leave you?
Man: Of course not!
Woman: Will you kiss me?
Man: Definitely!
Woman: Will you hurt me?
Man: Don't be ridiculous, where did you get that idea from?
Woman: Will you be loyal?
Man: Absolutely!
Woman: Will you love me?
Man: 100% of the time!
Woman: Will you hate me?
After marriage read from bottom to top.
One Of The Most Powerful Jokes In My Engineer Joke Arsenal
Note: I shared this joke in an /r/tifu comment, and someone suggested I post it here. I heard this joke from my mom, who is an architect, with an undergraduate degree in engineering.
Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it. "Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
A 5 Year Old's First Job
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the motherfuckin' sheet rock..."
I Was Walking By The Park Today And...
... there were about 20 black pre-teens hanging out by the fence, with one older white guy watching over them. I thought "Huh, I wonder if they're all playing 'Prison'"
Will You Get Mad?
Wife: Honey, do I look fat in this dress?
Husband: Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?
Wife: No, silly. Of course not
Husband: I slept with your sister
Real Life Joke
So at work I'm un-bolting some racks. When a co worker (Will) approaches and says "Hey, where's that 3/16 wrench?" Another co worker (Bradley) quickly blames me. To which I respond "I don't know where it is, I was using my finger!". Without thinking Bradley blurts out "Finger MY ASS!"
We died laughing. The end.
My Girlfriend Asked Me Why We Don't Make Love Like They Do In The Movies..
So I ripped off her clothes, fucked her in the ass and came in her eye.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Definitely Offensive
What do you get when a black impregnates a Jew?
A kid who saves up all the money he doesn't have
Sunday, December 20, 2015
A Hindu, A Muslim, And A Lawyer Are Traveling Together.
They reach a farmhouse and ask to spend the night. The farmer tells them that he only has room for two and one will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteers, but a short while later there's a knock at the door. "I can't sleep there. There is a cow, and a cow is a sacred animal. My religion forbids it."
So the Muslim goes next. Again, there's a knock at the door. "I can't sleep there. There is a pig, and a pig is an unclean animal. My religion forbids it."
So the lawyer heads out. There's a knock at the door once more.
It's the cow and the pig.
Taking My 4 Year Old To See Straight Outta Compton.
I can't remember ever being this excited for a movie that's rated G.
Knock Knock!
Who's there Jehovah Witnesses Jehovah Wit... covers their mouth SSSHHHhhh There right outside
Sex After Surgery
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!”
Whitney Houston
I panicked right after I heard that Whitney Houston found dead in her tub while she was so high and stoned. I immediately went to my mum for help, and she told me that Relax, we dont have a tub.
Necrophilia
So my parents recently forced me to go to a psychiatrist for my necrophiliac thoughts. Having sex with a dead girl was just a nail in the coffin.
3 Men Are Captured By Savages...
3 men are traveling across the ocean on a cruise when their boat hits a large rock and sinks. Everyone on the boat dies except these 3 men who miraculously manage to swim a mile to a nearby forested island. The lucky survivors soon pass out on the beach from exhaustion. When they wake up, to their horror, they discover they have been taken prisoner by a native tribe and sentenced to death for trespassing on their territory. The chieftain feeling merciful, offers to grant each of the mens' last requests provided it was within their power.
After a long time spent thinking, the first man wishes to taste the finest wine on the island. As the natives prepare their best drink, the chief approaches the first man and lightly pulls his skin exclaiming "Ah, your skin will make for a great canoe!". The wine is soon completed. After finishing his drink, the natives quickly cut him open and use his skin to waterproof a canoe.
The Chief then approaches the second man and asks him for his last request. After yet another long time spent thinking, he comes to terms with his fate and wishes for a swift death. Before commencing with his wish, the Chief inspects the prisoner and also exclaims: "Ah! You too will make for a fine canoe!". The second man is quickly killed and cut open for yet another canoe.
The third man after witnessing the murders of his 2 companions spends much longer than the first 2 in considering his final wish. The Chief returns at the end of the day saying his time is up and he must decide or they would kill him immediately.
After a moment more of consideration he states "I want a fork."
The chief was baffled but ordered his men to grant the man his wish anyways. The natives soon returned with the man's requested fork and then left to sharpen their knives. As the Chief returns to the man's cell he finds his guards attempting to restrain the prisoner who is now repeatedly stabbing himself with the fork and screaming:
"Nobody's making a canoe out of me!".
Sorry if I'm not so good at formatting. I heard this joke a long time ago from my dad so I had to improvise some details I don't remember.