You boil the Hell out of it.
My 12-year-old daughter claims to have invented this joke this weekend. I don't know if it's original or not.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
Pages
▼
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
A Beautiful Girl Named Mary Is Having A Real Problem Keeping A Man Because Her Vagina Smells Like Onions.
Every time it's the same deal: She meets a guy, they go out, but when it's time to have sex the guy leaves disgusted by the smell of her pussy.
One day a friend tells Mary she has just the guy for her. His name is Tom and he's a really nice guy and all, but moreover he can't smell at all because of a rare neurological disorder. This could be Mary's big chance.
The two of them indeed go out to a restaurant and everything's going great. They really hit it off and by the end of the meal Mary invites Tom to her place.
After a couple of drinks they're ready to move to the bedroom. Mary is really worried because of her previous experience that once she takes off her panties Tom will leave. But after taking off all her clothes, Tom doesn't look the least annoyed by the stench. He starts kissing her everywhere and then starts licking her. Mary is ecstatic; she never would have hoped that there would be a man who would do this to her. The whole room smells like someone is cooking onion soup but Tom keeps on. After a couple of minutes though Tom pauses. Mary is now terrified "Oh, shit he can smell it" is the first thing that comes to her mind. "Is everything OK dear, why did you stop? We can change positions if you're tired" says Mary. "No, it's not that. But for same strange reason my eyes are burning and I'm all teared up."
What's The Difference Between A Musician And A Bag Of Rice?
The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
A Family Bought A Machine That Beeps Everytime It Hears A Lie.
The son comes home from school.
"Did you get any grades today?" asks the mom.
"Yes, i got an A."...BEEP "Ok, i got an F" The son corrects himself.
The dad comes up to the son and says "Son, when I was your age, I was a straight A student"...BEEP
The mom then starts laughing and says "You guys have so much in common, i can already tell he is your son"...BEEP
Why Did The Drill Sergeant Get A Dishonorable Discharge?
He couldn't keep his hands off his privates
Bring On The Offensive Jokes
And I mean the truly "offensive", truly "controversial" ones. The ones making fun of straight white American males. What's the matter, it's just a joak come on? I'll start.
Women will never be equal to men until they start walking down the streets bald and with beer guts and still consider themselves attractive.
Scientists have discovered something that does a better job than five men put together - a woman.
Which three words would emasculate any man? "Hold my purse."
"I really hate magazine articles like 'Ten Mistakes Girls Make in Bed'. Girls only make one mistake in bed -- bringing the wrong man there."
What men truly mean when they say...
"You're working too much darling, please take a break."
(I can't hear the game on TV cuz of your vacuum cleaner)"Can I help you with dinner?"
(Why haven't you laid the table yet?)"I miss you."
(I'm out of toilet paper and clean socks)"I like this movie."
(It has guns, explosions, fast cars and pretty girls in it)"We're not lost, I know exactly where we are."
(Nobody will ever see us alive ever again)"I don't believe in material wealth."
(I'm broke as fuck)"I'm listening, I just got distracted for a second."
(I wonder if that blonde chick over there has a bra on)"That's a woman's job."
(I've no idea how to do this)"What's wrong?"
(What fucking stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is bothering you?)"I just thought about you and bought you some roses."
(I want to bang the flower girl)"Yes, you look great!"
(Stop trying on more clothes, I don't care and I'm starving)"I can't find _____"
(It's not in my pocket and I can't be arsed to look for it)"You're the only girl I've ever loved."
(You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me)"I'm hungry."
(Cook me something, will you?)"I do so much housework."
(I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket)"She's one of those feminazis."
(She doesn't think I'm a god)"Do you love me?"
(I did something really stupid and you might find out)"Do you really love me?"
(I did something really stupid and someone will tell you about it out sooner or later)"Would you like to go to the movies?"
(I want to have sex with you)"Can I take you to dinner?"
(I want to have sex with you)"Would you like to dance?"
(I want to have sex with you)"Nice dress."
(Nice cleavage)"I'm bored."
(I'm horny)
"How Does It Feel To Live Without The Internet?"
I met an Amish man who gave me a ride when my car was broken down.
Me: "So, what's it like to live without the internet?"
Amish Man: "Pretty swell. I just get pictures of your mom through the mail."
I Am Looking For Two Chinese People To Help Me Improve Legislation For Animals In Asia.
That way, two wongs can make a right.
Three Ladies Died And Went To Heaven...
When they arrived, St. Peter greeted them and said: "You may do whatever you please in Heaven, but don't step on the ducks." As expected, there were ducks everywhere.
Very soon, one of the ladies stepped on a duck. St. Peter came to the woman and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. "For stepping on a duck, you will be forced to be with this ugly man for the rest of eternity."
The second lady tried extremely hard not to step on a duck, but soon failed. St. Peter came again and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. "For stepping on a duck, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this ugly man," he told her before leaving.
The third woman was determined to not step on any ducks. After a few months of not stepping on a duck, St. Peter came to her with a gorgeously handsome man. He then handcuffed them to each other and told them that they would have to spend eternity together.
After he had left, the woman asked what she could have did to have deserve such a handsome man. The man simply answered: "I don't know lady, but I stepped on a duck."
A Fellow Bought A New Mercedes And Was Out On The Interstate For A Nice Evening Drive...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Why Did The Fire Fighter Go In To Save His Friend First, And Then Fight The Fire?
Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!
The Number 42 Bus
a woman installed a brand new wall closet in her apartment.
a few days after she noticed that each time the number 42 bus went by, the doors would shake and almost fall off... she calls the shop and told them the story. " this doesn't happen on the number 41 bus. this doesn't happen on the number 87 bus.... only on the number 42 bus....." the owner of the shop said: "This is the first time i am hearing this, i must see this for myself"
When he got to the apartment he notices that nothing happens on the number 41 bus and neither on the number 87, but when the number 42 bus went by, everything shook.
he then decided he will go inside and see what is causing the doors to shake so much but as soon as he got inside and closed the doors, it become very very hot, so he took off his shirt... then his pants..... and last his socks and underwear.
in the meantime the husband got home and went to the bedroom, opened the closet and finds a naked, sweaty guy just standing there.
the husband of course thinks the wife is cheating on him so he asks the guy "dont you have any shame? you better start explaining yourself"
the guy replies: " Would you believe me if i said i am waiting for the number 42 bus?" Sorry if i misspelled or anything.. English is not my main language......
Little Johnny's Class Goes To The Farm
And they get to see all the animals. The next day at school the teacher asks the kids what sounds the animals made. She starts by asking Tommy what sound a cow makes. Tommy responds with "moo", she then asks Susie what sound a sheep makes. Susie responds with a "baa", after a few more turns she gets to little Johnny and asks him what sound a pig makes. Johnny stands up and takes a deep breath then yells "Put your hands on the wall motherfucker!"
David Cameron Goes To The Doctor
and says "Doc., i've got a problem with my 'manhood'"
"Crikey, how long has it looked like that?" Asked the Doctor.
"Oh about three wee...wee...weeks!"
[recycled oldie-but-goodie]
A Mushroom Walks Into A Bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Text Conversation With My Wife
Backstory, we are buying our first house, so money has been tight.. So my wife and I where texting back and forth about finacials. When all of a sudden, she words an old saying wrong...
Wife: I'm so stressed out about the house closing, not having a pocket to piss in, and have a shit ton more needs than can dos....
Me: Only thing I am trying to figure out is why you're trying to piss in someone's pocket...
Wife: Really...
Wife: It's a saying.. u know that smart ass...
Me: Whoever's pocket you decided to piss in is going to be very unhappy....
Wife: ;) unless it's R.Kelly!
Me: ......
What Children Think
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A Hot Blonde Goes To The Gynaecologist For A Check Up...
When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.
"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly. "Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine." "That's right!" He says.
After she strips, he starts groping her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Sure," she says, "you're checking for lumps."
The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes, you're checking for any problems down there." "That's exactly right!" The doctor says.
He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" The doctor asks, panting. The woman responds, "Yes, you're getting herpes."
Two Trees
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Joke About A Psychic And Water
Something something clairboyant
Can't be bothered to actually write a joke but the essence is here.
Little Johnny's 1st Day Of School.
It was Little Johnny's first day of school. His new teacher introduced herself. "My name is Miss Pursy. Any of you who remember my name tomorrow will receive a prize." Little Johnny said to himself. "I can remember her name! Pussy with an R." All that night and the next morning, he repeated it to himself - "Pussy with an R". When he got to school, the teacher asked who remembered her name. Johnny's hand was up instantly. "What is my name?" she said. Little Johnny replied "Miss Crunt"!
A Zoophile, A Pyromaniac, A Necrophile And A Masochist Are Siiting On A Bench...
... in a park. The zoophile comes up with a twisted idea: "Let's find a cat and fuck its brains out", he says. "Yeah, and then let's burn it to a crisp!", adds the pyro. "Brilliant idea, so we can fuck it, burn it, then fuck it again", says the necrophile. The masochist's eyes light up as he says: "MEOW!"
I'd like to dedicate this joke to our dearest David Cameron in the light of the recent piggate scandal.
Monday, May 30, 2016
A Husband And Wife Are Trying To Set Up A New Password
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Presentation Does Matter.. No Matter What The Reality Is..!!"
Women chatting in office.. Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ?? .. Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ?? .. Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale! .. At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.. Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ?? .. Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?? .. Husband 1:" It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. .. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!! .. Moral:" Presentation does matter.. No matter what the reality is..!!"
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody.
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
NO EMAIL
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
How Is An American Teen Girl Different From An ISIS Teen Girl.
No differences. They both blow quite easily !
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
A hippo is very large and heavy, and a zippo is just a little lighter.
Why Do Jewish Men Get Circumsized?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30% off.
A Woman Walks Into A Sex Shop To Buy A Dildo
"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.
The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."
She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another one: "Ah..this model just arrived. Comes with multiple vibration settings & textures but quite pricey.."
The woman's eyes light up when she finally sees a big, bright red shiny one at the corner of the wall display.
"That one! I want that. How much is it?"
The manager says: "Oh sorry. That's not for sale. That's the Fire Extinguisher".
Little Johnny....back For More.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"
Pac-Man Amiibo
"This is the worst buttplug ever! Why is it yellow?"
"Hey, has anyone seen my Pac-Man amiibo?"
"OOOPS"
At A Party A Guy Cornered A Girl And Whispered Something In Her Ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son of a bitch that stole my diary..."
What Is Metal Gear's Snake's Secret?
There's a Solid, Liquid, and Solidus Snake. It seems they all passed gas.
I Went To A Karaoke Bar Last Night That Didn't Play Any 70s Music.
At first I was afraid, Oh I was petrified!
Made In China
an american man's wife who is Chinese dies after 6 months of their marriage. his friend tries to console him and says, "it's okay bro, she was made in china,how long would that last anyway"
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Little Johnny...one More Time.
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
Chemistry Puns
What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm only through with hafnium. Come on, I think ironed some laughter for that one. Where do chemists wash their dishes? In the zinc. I'm sorry if you didn't like that one. I'm no einsteinium. I would tell you another one, but I think they all argon.
Little Johnny...again.
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
I Visited America Recently...
..and got really into the local culture, I was walking along one morning and guy said 'Have a nice day!' and I didn't, so I sued him. --Milton Jones
Little Johnny...
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A Woman Is Accused Of Attacking Her Husband With Several Of His Guitars
The Judge asked "First time offender?"
She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."
Creationism Vs Evolution.....sorta.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
How Many White Girls Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
Pshh....white girls don't know how to screw.
How Are Fat Girls And Mopeds Similar?
They are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to find out.
A Young Boy Who Has Diarrhea Asks His Mom For Some Viagra...
She asks him why on earth he would want that, and the boy replies, "isn't that the stuff you give Dad when his shit isn't hard?"
A Young Lady Is In Line At The Check Out Counter At The Grocery Store...
She is buying a couple apples, cat food, some yogurt and a few healthy choice meals. The cute young check out man rings her up and as he gives her the total he looks her in the eyes and asks, "Hey, by chance are you single?" The young lady blushes and says, "Why yes, I am. Could you tell from what I'm buying?" The young man laughs and says, "Nooooo... It's because you're fucking ugly."
Mexico Doesn't Win Olympic Medals...
...because all their best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the United States.
You Are So Ugly...
...the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand ripped through the toilet paper.
Mom, Am I Ugly?
"Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, facial hair..."
Old Enough
-Mom I'm finally 15, can I have a boyfriend? -No. -Can I use high Heels? -No. -Can I use a mini skirt? -No. -But why? -Because you're a man, Bob.
So A Guy Walks Into A Bar With A Monkey...
...he steps up to the bar and orders a drink. The monkey scampers over to the billiards table, picks up the 8 ball and swallows it whole. The bartender says "Hey, your monkey just swallowed the 8 ball." The guy replies "It's cool, just put it on my tab." He finishes his drink and leaves with his monkey.
The next week he comes back to the bar with his monkey, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The monkey picks up a peanut out of the bowl sitting on the bar, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender says "Hey, that monkey just stuck a peanut up his ass before eating it." The guy says "Yeah, after that 8 ball he checks everything for size now."
Being Football Fans ... Why Do All The Trees In Wisconsin Lean To The South ?
Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks
So A Guy Ends Up In Hell,
and meets Satan. Satan needs to read up on his sins to decide which circle he'll reside in. He didn't really do much bad, and only really stole and blasphemed. Satan decides to put him in the second circle. Satan quickly asked the guy what he thought of that, hoping to just make him lose his hope.
The guy just says "Where are the rapists and murderers?"
This catches Satan by surprise, and he simply answers "The 5th circle, why d'y'ask?"
The dead man simply mumbles "So Catholicism and Islam are wrong after all..."
A Cat Walks Into A Bar
A cat walks into a bar and sits down.
Bartender: "what can I get you?"
Cat: "a shot of rum"
Bartender pours the rum, and slides the shot over to the cat. The cat looks at the rum, then smacks it right off the bar top onto the floor. Bartender looks at the cat questioningly.
Cat says " I'll have another "
I Told My Wife She Would Look Sexier With Her Hair Back...
She was pissed! Apparently that's a insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Only And Only When
Only and only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize there are some problems that can be solved without violence :)
There Are 10 Types Of People In This World. Those Who Understand Binary, Those Who Don't
and those who didn't expect a ternary joke.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Feeling Like A Woman.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A Veteran Walks Into A Bar...
"I can rink the worst rink ou can give me "he said with his strange accent. The bartender than peed in the toilet than scooped it out and gave it to the veteran. "Refresin" said the veteran "That was pee you know"said the bartender "Yea, ut in te war, I ost my tongue."
A Middle Aged Man Needs To Buy Condoms, But He Doesn't Know What Size He Needs...
So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"
An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at register 3!"
A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Clean-up at register 3!"
How Do You Know When You've Been Eating Good Pussy?
When you finish your face looks like a glazed doughnut.
A Guy Walks Into A Restaurant..
and says "So I heard you serve lutefisk from a friend in town, can I get a plate of it? I'm pretty hungry."
The waiter responds: "I'm sorry sir. But I believe what you heard from your friend in town about any lutefisk being served here was a lye."
An Employee At A Factory
An employee at a factory in a poor country had been doing the same thing for 20 years. The factory produced vaccum cleaners and all the time he had been punching holes into a specific part of the vaccum cleaners. One day he thinks one of those vacuum would be a perfect birthday present for his wife but he can't afford to buy one of them. So in the months before his wifes brithday, every day he steals one of the vacuum cleaner parts from work. Once he had stolen them all he tried to assemble them but no matter how much he tried every time he assembled them all he got was a fully functional AK-47.
All Men Go To Heaven...
...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
This One's A Bit Long....
Let me describe a creature to you. It's known as a Trid. A Trid is kinda like a Smurf, but it's all punked out and psychedelic looking. You know, multi-colored hair, tats and piercings, and dresses like it's constantly at a rave. The only thing in the world a Trid gives a damn about is having fun. That's it. If it's not fun, a Trid simply isn't interested.
Well, one day a Trid happens to be walking through the forest, trying to figure out something fun to do. He was bored, and boredom is worse than hard labor to a Trid. As he's walking along, he spots a rabbit a little ways ahead of him.
"Hmm, it might be fun to chase that rabbit." the little Trid thought to himself, so he took off running towards the rabbit. The rabbit takes one look at the Trid running towards him, and bolts away at top speed. The Trid starts laughing and pours on the speed, trying as hard as he can to catch up to the rabbit.
"Oh, what fun!" The little Trid exclaimed, as he dashed after the rabbit around trees, and over rocks. Suddenly the rabbit hooked a mad turn and started up a tall hill, running like the wind. At the top of this hill, a goblin happened to be dozing in the warm sunshine. The rabbit was moving so fast, he ran over the goblin without even seeing him. Waking up startled, the goblin looks down the hill to see the Trid coming at him at full steam. So, he waits until the Trid reaches the top of the hill...and he kicks him!
Down the hill the Trid went rolling and bouncing, head over heels, to land in a heap at the bottom. Picking himself up, he squeals with delight. Being kicked down the hill was the most fun he had ever had, and he went running back up the hill, where the goblin once again kicked him back down. Over a dozen times the Trid ran up the hill, and over a dozen times he was kicked back down, each time being more fun than the last.
He was getting ready to run up again, when a sudden thought occurred to him; this would be even more fun with more Trids! So he high-tailed it back to Trid village to let everyone know about the hill and the goblin.
Soon, there were dozens of Trids at the hill. They would run up one side of the hill, and the goblin would kick them down the other side.
Meanwhile, the rabbit that the first Trid had been chasing was wondering what had happened to his playmate. He had been enjoying the chase as much as the Trid had, and he went to see what had happened. He came back to the hill and saw the line of Trids and the goblin kicking them. Shrugging he shoulders, he got in line and followed the Trids up the side of the hill. When he got to the top however, the goblin just stood there staring at him.
"What's wrong?" the rabbit asked, "Why won't you kick me down the hill?"
The goblin shook his head and said "Silly rabbit, kicks are for Trids!"
I Figured Why People Make The Same Noises When They Are Carrying Something And Having Sex
They are both carrying a load.
Little Johnny...
.... woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.
Mrs. Barber, Medically Impossible Though It Seems At Your Age, Theres No Doubt About It: Youre Pregnant.
Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. “Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there’s no doubt about it: you’re pregnant.” “Impossible,” she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, “You’ve knocked me up, you randy old goat!” There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, “And to whom am I speaking?”
What's The First Thing A Woman Does After Leaving Spousal Abuse Therapy?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
A Jew, A Black, And A Muslim Are On A Frozen Lake, Not Talking To Each Other...
...so I thought I would go over there and break the ice.
He Was Worried For His Friend.
Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
"The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
I Asked My Friend What He Was Doing On My Computer.
He said "I've been birdwatching." With a puzzling look, I asked "But you're inside? And why is there lotion and used kleenex tissues every-oh my god I hate you."
A Chicken Walks Into A Library And Squawks, "Book, Book, Book, BOOK!"
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashioon, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."
Friday, May 27, 2016
Why Was The Blonde Staring At The Light Bulb For Long Hours With Her Mouth Open?
because the doctor advised her to "eat light"
Paddy Wanted To Buy A Labrador..
Mick said "Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"
2 Drunk Guys Were Walking On The Train Tracks
"hey john, this stairs are reallly long"
"don't worry, here comes the elevator"
Baby Is Not Well
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
I Should Have Stayed Married.
My newest girlfriend called me last night screaming hysterically in the phone, "You never look at me when we talk. Why don't you ever look at me?" I said, "You sound upset. I'll be right over." "NO", she goes, "I don't want you to see me like this".
Why Was The Blonde Staring At The Box Of Orange Juice For A Long Time?
because it said "CONCENTRATE"
What Will Elsa (from The Movie Frozen) Say When She Gets Arrested?
Let Me Go, Let Me GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ;)
I Lost My Job...
I got fired from my job at the M&M's factory yesterday for throwing away all the W's.
I Too Went To The Reddit Restaurant...
I had to ask other customers for sauce for any of the dishes.
What Do Homosexuals And Appliances Have In Common?
They both turn on when plugged.
And a difference?
An appliance doesn't work when the plug is wet.
Why Does John Cena Always Take Awhile To Feel Better When He's Sick?
Because the Doctor can never see him.
Drunk Guy Looks Up At Street Light
Asks guy walking by. Hey buddy, is that the sun or the moon. I dunno he replies. I'm not from around here.
How Is An American Teen Girl Different From An Arab Teen Girl.
An American teen girl gets stoned before she has sex.
"Have You Heard About The New Rule In Boxing?"
... James asked his friend Jake. Jake hadn't.
- Basically, to reduce the number of blows under the belt that boxers deliver and receive, their outfits will feature a line just above the waist that they must aim for with every hit.
- What? That's ridiculous! Is there something written on it?
- Of course! This is the punchline."
I Met A Local Girl When I Was In Shanghai, I Asked Her If She Could Escort Me
for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, My friend interpreted for me & told me what she really said : 666136429.
The European Commission Has Announced That English Is The Official Language Of The EU
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
A Worm Crawled Out From A Plate Of Spaghetti And Exclaimed...
"Man, that was one hell of a gangbang!"
A C++ Error Walks Into A Bar...
A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here". The error replies "But I'm an EXCEPTION!"
Haaaaaaaaaa!
Thursday, May 26, 2016
(REMIX) My Job Is Fucking Unbelievable....
...I'll try to first sum it up by telling you about my colleagues:
First, there’s this guy who likes to think he’s the boss of us, which is like, so ridiculous. He makes out like I’m dumb, but he’s so gullible sometimes, it’s almost pathetic. Ok, yeah, I’ll admit he is easy on the eye, but someone needs to tell him that there are clothing options that don’t involve blue jeans. I can’t really complain too much about him though, as he is the one in charge of our transport.
Next, there’s a girl who has to be one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I think she’s like a genius or something. Her career could be on the up & up, and yet, she chooses to stay in this job with us. Now, I don’t want to be bitchy or anything, but I have to say that unfortunately she is not blessed in the beauty stakes. Ordinarily this wouldn’t bother me, but sometimes I'm not sure she even showers, (much less shaves or waxes) & the smell of body odour after a long day on the job is just too much to bear. She dresses like she got lost in an 80's jumble sale & I think she might be a lesbian, because the other day I caught her twitching over a picture of Megan Fox when she thought no one was looking. She also has a cat named Ellen.
But the icing on the cake has got to be the fucking stoner guy. I honestly don’t know how he holds this job down. Now, this chap is more than just your casual toker. Honestly, he is always fricking baked; he gets his buzz on before he even comes to work & I know he’s definitely tooting during work, so I'm pretty sure after work is no exception either. He fell off the wagon around ten years ago seems like, and he's only 22. He dresses like a reject wannabe from the 60's, with this ridiculous bushy hair that looks as though it’s not seen water, let alone a brush, in months, and to make matters worse, he always brings his big, weird fucking dog to work. This has got to be against a law of some sort surely, but yet nobody ever stops him.
So every fucking day between dealing with the bossy guy, the stoner & the body odour chick, I have to look at this huge, dumb Great Dane walking around half-stoned from the idiot's second-hand smoke. Sometimes I even think it's trying to talk to us with its constant whining.
To top it off, both of them are always constantly hungry, which then requires multiple stops for fast-food snacks & sweets, every single fucking day. Like I said, it's fucking unbelievable.
Anyway, about my actual job, we drive around in the blue-jean-guy’s flowery van, and we solve mysteries and shit like that.
TL;DR: Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo
I Hope Jeremy Corben Is Successful In His New Chosen Career!
I didn't really rate him as a comedian, he was especially bad in The Wrong Man's.
Half A Glass Of Water
The optimist says, "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
The republican says, "Who drank half my water?"
Why Did The "upright Man", A Humanoid Species, Went Extinct 70.000 Years Ago?
Because they got homo e-rekt-us.
There Was A Neighbourhood Where Every Home Had 26 Uni Students, And There Were 26 Homes.
In each home, everyone had the same last name. For example, the first home would be called Home A, with people like Betty A, Rick A, Larry A, etc
So one day, Paddy R and Keith P agreed to watch a new movie together. Keith left a few hours before Paddy, since Paddy had stuff to do.
As Paddy was walking to the cinema, he happened to glance into the Q house and saw a gorgeous, albeit a bit chubby, girl at the window. He entered the house, and they began to have sex in her room.
As they were doing it, Paddy thought, 'I should really ask this girl for her name. Nah, forget it.'
A few minutes later, Keith called. 'Where the hell are you? The movie starts in 5 minutes!'
Paddy replied, 'I'm going to be a bit late. I'm in a huge Q!'
I Went To Therapy Because Of All The Years I've Been Putting Chef Boyardee Inside Of Me...
I finally admitted how much he's been sodium-izing me.
A Teenage Boy Is Getting Ready To Take His Girlfriend To The Prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and gets the punch...
there is no punchline.
My Mum Told My Girlfriend That I'm A Big Softy.
She said, "No he isn't, he's not even big when he's erect."
Bunny Wabbits
A little girl steps into a pet shop, walks up to a sales associate, and says, "I would wike to buy a wabbit, pwease.."
The woman takes one look at the little girl, and her heart melts. The child had big, bright eyes, a little button nose, pig tails - she's cuter than Shirley Temple. She scrunches down to the girl's eye level, and gushes:
"Weww, what kind of bunny wabbit would you wike? Do you want a white bunny, or a bwack bunny, or a bwown bunny, or maybe a cawwico bunny?"
"Gee, I don't know," the girl replies, looking down and shuffling her feet ... "I weawwy don't fink my pyfon gives a cwap".
So A Robot Walked Into A Bar And Beat Up A Man With A Bottle...
...he was charged with battery.
I'm so sorry.
This Really Happened To Me This Morning.
I've been getting calls from the 'Windows Support' scammers for months now.
At some point I realized the easiest way to get them to hang up was telling them I only use Linux.
This morning, I got another call. This honestly happened just like this.
Them: "Hello, this is support and our systems are showing that you are having a problem with your computer."
Me (very annoyed): "Look, I've been asking you guys to stop calling me for months. I know you're scamming, I know how this works, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WINDOWS COMPUTER."
Them: "That's ok sir I'm calling about your Apple computer."
Me (angry now): "I DON'T HAVE AN APPLE COMPUTER."
Them: "Do you have a banana computer?"
Me (curious and intrigued, far less anger in my voice): "Uhh... Yes, I do have a banana computer, what now?"
Them: "You should take out your banana computer and jerk it, because you're a jerk."
I wish the guy hadn't hung up, because I would have laughed and been much nicer to him after that. I may have even gone ahead and given him my credit card, because that was a good one.
What's One Thing That Always Sticks Up For You When You Make Bad Decisions.
A boner.
Thank you very much.
Sock It To Me - Funny Joke About Marriage
Sock it to Me
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my sock"
If Your Dog Has Fleas And You Hear Ticks, What Should You Do?
Make a vet appointment for both of you.
What's The Difference Between My Dick And My Shot Gun?
my daughter didn't cry when the gun went off in her mouth!
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Life Is To Enjoy With Whatever You Have With You ;)
An old man had 8 hair on his head. He went to a barber shop. Barber in anger asked: Shall i cut or count? Old man smiled and said: "Colour it!" :D
Although Many Forms Of Punctuation Are Thought To Be Antiquated, I Still Believe We Live In A Hyphen-nation.
I still believe we live in a hyphen-nation.
What's The Difference Between A Chick Pea And A Lentil?
I've never paid 100$ to have a lentil on my face.
A Wife Tells Her Husband Who Works With Computers That Shes Pregnant
She later sees him on his computer clicking ctrl z
What's The Difference Between An Al-Qaeda Training Camp And A Pakistani Day Care?
fuck if i know i just fly the drones
Lance Armstrong Is An Incredibly Racist Individual.
Seriously...think about all of those bicycle races he's been in.
A Man Tattoos His Girlfriend's Name On His Penis.
A man is dating a woman named Wendy, and as a "romantic" gesture, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's flaccid, only the first W and final Y are visible.
One day, while he and his girlfriend are on holiday in Jamaica, he is standing at a urinal, when a black Jamaican man walks up next to him.
The man glances down and sees a W and a Y tattooed on the black man's penis.
So the man says to him, "Your girlfriend's name must be Wendy, too. I see we have the same tattoo."
The response comes, "No, I'm a tour guide. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"
Two Guys Are Driving...
...when they stop at a red light next to a park. The passenger looks over and sees a dog licking his groin. He says to the driver "Man, I wish I could do that." The driver says "You may want to pet the dog first."
+18
im sorry my previous post was horrible so i deleted it thats a new one you should thinks dirty to understand the joke: a liitle girl entered her parent's room while they are doing sex the girl said to herself : and my mom tells me that i should go to the doctor because i always lick and suck my finger {99% of the people wont understand}
I Know This Is An Unpopular Opinion, But Krusty From The Simpsons Is Running For President.
Bring on the clownvotes.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
An Estonian Joke.
Little Johnny, wanting to know more about life, asks his father: "Daddy, what's between mommy's legs?"
"Paradise." his father answers.
Little Johnny's curiosity is only growing, so he asks again: "But then what's between your legs?"
"The key to paradise." his father answers.
Little Johnny retorts back: "Then you'd better change the locks, our neighbor has the same key!"
(Sidenote: In Estonia, Little Johnny's name is Juku.)
I Pretty Woman Stands On A Bridge Railing...
...ready and jump and commit suicide. Passing bum: Hey, before you jump, wanna fuck? Woman: No I don't wanna fuck, your disgusting, go away! Bum: Ok, I'll wait at the bottom.
Edit: A pretty woman. Sorry about the formatting, mobile.
That's An Ugly Baby !
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
So One Day, Harry The Executive Hears A Voice...
...tell him "Sell all your belongings, quit your job, and buy a ticket to Las Vegas". Startled, Harry looked around his office to find the source of the voice. Just about the time he convinced himself that it had been his imagination, he hears it again. "Sell all your belongings, quit your job, and buy a ticket to Las Vegas". This goes on for a few days, every few minutes Harry hears the voice in his head say the same thing, "Sell all your belongings, quit your job, and buy a ticket to Las Vegas." So, Harry has an estate sale. He sells everything he owns, his house, his car, all his furniture. Everything. He then calls up his boss and tells him he quits. He then takes all the money he has from the sale of his possessions, packs it into a duffle bag, and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice in his head says "Go to the first casino you can find". So Harry walks into a casino right across the street from the airport. Upon entering, the voice says "Go to the roulette table." When Harry gets over to the crowded roulette table, the voice in his head says "Bet everything on number 22." Harry puts his bag full of money on the table and wagers it all on number 22. The attendant spins the wheel, drops the marble, and everyone watches as it bounces and clatters around, finally coming to rest on number 8. The voice in Harry's head says "FUCK!"
How Many Psychologists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
No one knows, the findings never replicate.
A Bus Crashes Into A Large Hospital. The Bus Apologizes And Promises To Pay The Hospital For The Damages.
He says he'll be back in a week with the money. The hospital gladly agrees to the terms.
A week later, the bus comes to the hospital. "Sorry, Hospital, some things have happened and I'm not able to pay you right now. Is it okay if I pay you in about two weeks?" asks Bus.
"Sure," says Hospital.
Two weeks later, Bus comes to Hospital. "I'm really sorry, Hospital, but things have been crazy these past couple of weeks and I wasn't able to get the money together. Do you mind if I pay you back in about a month?" Bus asks.
"Pssh, of course! No problem!" Hospital responds.
Three months later, Bus returns. "I'm so sorry I've been gone so long, Hospital, the wife and I just had a baby and I'm sure you can understand how crazy things have been. I don't have the money but I can promise you I'll have it in about six months. Is that okay?" Bus asks.
Hospital responds, "Hey, of course it is! I know how it is with the kids, got two of 'em myself. Just pay me back when you can, no rush."
Six months later, Bus returns, and finally has the money. He pays Hospital for the damages he caused so long ago.
"Thanks," Hospital says.
"You know what, Hospital, it's been nearly eight months since I told you I'd pay you back for the accident, and you know what I've learned in these eight months?" Bus asks.
Hospital asks, "What have you learned, Bus?"
Bus responds, "Hospital, you've got a hell of a lot of patients."
Try To Read And Try To Laugh.....:)
I know 10 facts about you: Fact 1: You are reading this. Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips. Fact 3: You just tried it. Fact 4: You're smiling. Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again. Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5. Fact 8: You just checked it. Fact 9: You're smiling again. Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)
2 Men Were Driving...
2 men were driving down a road when they saw a farm to their right. The farm had a field that was filled with sheep. One of the sheep had its head stuck in the fence. The driver of the car says to the passenger "watch this." He then proceeds to climb over the fence and pleasures the sheep. Upon returning to the car, he says to the passenger "I bet you twenty dollars you can't do that." The passenger quickly retorts "Yes I can! Watch me." So the passenger goes, climbs over the fence, and sticks his head through the fence.
What's A Pirate's Favorite Letter Of The Alphabet?
Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Mom And Dad Said I Was Bad For Putting A Cell Phone In My Vagina But I Don't Know Why.
I always come when I'm called.
What Does Neil Degrasse Tyson Say To Pickup A Lady?
"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"
Edit: I hope Neil sees this. That's my dream. I love everything he has done for the science community.
Another Little Johnny Jokes
[NSFW] Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his mother drying off her vagina with a towel. Little Johnny goes: Mother what is that? His mother goes: Its a beaver. Little Johnny nods and walks out. The next day little Johnny walks back into the bathroom and sees his grandmother drying off her vagina. Little Johnny says: Grandma what is that? His grandmother says: Its a beaver. Little Johnny replies: Well it looks like a dead beaver because its tongue is sticking out.
If You Need Your IPhone Repaired In Jerusalem, You Obviously Go To The Genius Bar. There, They Don't Serve Alcohol...,
....but there's plenty of Apple Jews.
What Do A Zero-legged Spider And A One-legged Bear Have In Common?
They both have at least zero legs.
How Many Black People Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
One, but when he unscrews the bulb, the lights go out and your xbox is gone.
Little Johnny Jokes
Little johnny was in class and his teacher said: All the stupid kids should raise their hands. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher smiled and then he said: Okay Johnny are you stupid? Johnny smiled and said: No sir i just didnt want you to feel left out.
What Does A Stripper Do To Her Asshole Before She Goes To Work?
Puts the help wanted ads by the 12pack in the fridge and begs him for the millionth time to look for a job today.
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Shot Of Crown
The bartender pulls out an apple from under the bar and hands it to the man. "No, I ordered a shot of Crown," the man says. "I know," says the bartender, "Take a bite. It tastes just like Crown Royal." The man does, and unbelievably, it tastes like what he ordered. "Well, what if I had ordered a martini? " he asks. The bartender replied, "Turn the apple around and take a bite." The man did, and it tasted just like a martini. Just then, a midget walks up to the bar and asks for a beer. "It will be an apple." The first man says. "The bartender has apples that taste like whatever you order." The midget says "We'll in that case, I want some pussy." The bartender hands the midget an apple, and he takes a bite. He spits it out and yells, "This tastes like shit!!" The bartender says, "Turn it around."
TIL That If A Seamstress Messes Up Even One Stick, The Thing Van Unwravel
Oops. Wrong thread
This^ joke type is stupid and I hate it. Maybe you won't
I Have Finally Found The Meaning Of Life......
The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.
The existence of an individual human being or animal.
The United States Has Fallen Into Disrepair, Due To A Great Catastrophe...
...they say it was called: "The 2016 Presidential Election Season"
If You Call A Woman Beautiful She Won't Notice, If You Call Her Fat She Will Remember Forever...
... after all elephants have long memory
You Know, It Occurs To Me That My Ceiling Fan Is Inherently Indecisive...
Any time I ask it a question, it only ever responds with "HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
One Day A Father Gets Out Of Work And Remembers It's His Daughters Birthday...
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, and Ken's Furniture.
The Aussie Farmer, Osama Bin Laden And A Biker
Three men - a Farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Farmer says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want my land to be forever fertile' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says,'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
EDIT: removed Australian and replaced it with farmer.
How Do We Know That Jesus Himself Actually Approves Of Right-wing Evangelicals ?
Because according to the King James version, he was known to hang out with publicans. (It's true - you can look it up ...)
Where Did The Phrase "trigger Warning" Come From?
A long time ago, when Roy Rogers was away from Dale Evans for too long a time out on the range, he got mighty lonely ... and Trigger came to learn that when Roy's hand lingered on his haunches a little too lovingly, it was definitely a warning of things to come ..
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Two Men Are At A Bar...
Two men are at a bar; the first man says to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O."
The bartender gives him his drink.
"I'll have some H2O, too." says the second man.
The second man died.
The Itch From Poison Ivy Is So Bad That I Just Spent Hundreds Of Dollars Buying Every Possible Cream And Ointment At The Pharmacy.
I need to quit making rash decisions.
Facts:
I know 8 things about you:
Fact 1 You are reading this
Fact 2 You can't say the letter "m" without your lips touching
Fact 3 You just tried it
Fact 4 You're smiling
Fact 6 You're smiling or laughing again
Fact 7 You didn't realize that I skipped fact 5
Fact 8 You just checked it
A Person Wearing A 'Snitches Get Stitches Shirt'
I walked up to him and asked him where he got it. He said, "At the local mall" I beat his ass up.
A Drunk Guy Walks Out Of A Bar
There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?" The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!" Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?" Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar. As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!" Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"
An African Man Walks Into A Bar
Bartender asks, "what would you like to drink?" The african man replies, "i'll have an IPA." Then a Black Lives Matter protestor comments on this post and calls me a racist.
A Native American Man Walks Into A Hotel In Las Vegas
The receptionist asks "Do you have a reservation?"
Ducky From NCIS Clones Himself And He And His Clone Walk Into A Bar And Sit By Maverick's Wingman At The Bar......
The bartender walks up and says "Duck...Duck....Goose..".
My Uncle Was Fired For Sleeping With One Of His Patients...
The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.
Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.
If You Had A 14 Inch Penis Growing Out Of Your Forehead How Much Of It Could You See?
None because you would have two balls in your eyes.
Terry Fox Should Have Taken His Leg Off For His Run Across Canada In 1980 ...
and made it the Marathon of Hop
A Man Walks Up To A Cop On A Horse...
...wow! That's a nice pig you've got!
-- That's not a pig, sir, but a horse.
-- I'm not talking to you!
A Family Walks Into A Hotel....
A family walks into a hotel. The father approaches the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk responds, "sir, I will be more than happy to have the porn disabled."
To which the father replies, "Great! The wife and I are into some sick, kinky shit."
I Went Into A Medical Shop.
"Have you got anything for irritation?"
"Yes," he said, "But where exactly?"
I said, "Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."
Lost 90 Pounds
My obese wife took up horseback riding for weight loss.
It worked.
The horse lost 90 pounds.
*repost with change in wording
Saturday, May 21, 2016
What Did The Undertaker Say To Chris Benoit? [OC]
Nothing...he just carried on with his work on Benoit, his wife and his son.
Why Did Ahmed Mohamed Put His Clock In A Pencil Case?
because pipe clock would have just been stupid.
What's The Difference Between The Rolling Stones And A Scot?
One says "hey, you, get off of my cloud", and the other says "hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe".
79 Million People Are Without Access To Drinkable Water
Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!
My Grandpa Flirting With A 91 Year-old Lady At His Senior Home.
"You look young enough to be my daughter."
Shocking: After Refusing To Kiss An Aggressive Co-worker My Boss Threatened To Fire Me!
He said ten other actors had auditioned for the role of Romeo and he would just get one of them to cover my part.
Two Men Have A Duel
Man #1 looks at Man #2 and says "Draw your blade!"
Man #2 nods and pulls out his sword and sets it down on a tree stump and pulls out a quill and paper and begins to draw a picture of his blade.
Two Cats Cross A River... First Cats Name Is Un Deux Trois. The Second Cats Name Is One Two Three. Which Cat Made It Across?
The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
Young Boy Comes Home From School Early From School, His Mother Asks Him Why He's Home Early...
Boy: 'the headmaster expelled me from school for using the C word in class!'
Mum: 'That wasn't clever was it'
Boy: 'No, it was cunt'
Sorry if repostage :/
I Can Get Into Aquariums For Free, Because I Donated A Whale!
I guess my ex's sister was useful for something after all.
What Should Make A Book
Teacher: "What Should Be In A Book To Make It A Bestseller?" Jorkens: "A Girl On The Cover & No Cover On The Girl"
The Famous Tweet About The Decades-long Repercussions Of Poor Buffalo Bills Play, Retold As The Chinese Farmer / Charlie Wilson's War Parable.
On November 24, 1968, the Buffalo Bills can't score one final field goal against Denver, ending up with a tie and, hence, just one win that season. America says that's too bad. The Zen master says we'll see.
Come the following spring, the Bills have, by one game, the worst record in the league and hence the first pick in the draft, which they use to draft Heisman winner OJ Simpson, who goes on to break rushing records for them. America says that's wonderful! The Zen master says we'll see.
In 1977, OJ breaks his leg, missing several games. America says that's too bad. The Zen master says we'll see.
He gets traded to the 49ers and moves to Brentwood, where he meets a young waitress named Nicole Brown. The two later marry, and OJ goes on to become a charismatic actor and TV personality. America says that's wonderful! The Zen master says we'll see.
In 1994 Nicole is murdered and OJ is charged with the crime. America says that's horrible. The Zen master says we'll see.
Thanks to a successful defense in OJ's highly publicized trial, OJ's lawyers become somewhat famous, including Robert Kardashian. America's pretty divided on this one, but the Zen master still says we'll see.
Robert's daughter Kim grows up to be quite attractive and gains further fame, or notoriety, through the release of a sex tape. America says that's wonderful! The Zen master says we'll see.
Kim Kardashian and her family go on to star in a vapid reality show and become incessant tabloid news fodder. America says that's too bad. The Zen master says we'll see.
A Father Goes To A Toy Store...
And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."
Saw An Alabama Fan The Other Day
He was wearing a t-shirt that said "I Bleed Crimson" I walked up to him and said "You big dummy, we all do"
Mom Hates Dad
My mother used to be a ventriliquist..
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father
What Do Defensive Linemen And Porn Stars Have In Common?
At some point both of them have said to themselves "This sack is going to make my career."
I Went To Applebee's For Dinner Last Night
Our food was so good that I asked the waitress to bring out the chef, so they brought out the microwave.
Why Do Bears' Mouths Water Whenever They Look At Trump?
Because they think that thing on his head (his hair) is an animal and they want to eat it.
Let's Create Some Jokes, Reddit.
You can only reply with 1 word to help create the joke, my last thread didn't work when I said to make a story, but I think making a joke would be better. I'll start it, let's see what we can come up with!
Edit: as soon as someone get the ? In the reply, the answer doesn't have to be 1 word, it can be whatever!
Friday, May 20, 2016
A Man Wanted To Get His 2 Horses Pregnant...
A man that just moved to town from the city wanted to expand his horse stables. He had 2 mares in heat, and asked around town about a stud to rent.
Someone told him about an old farmer and his son that had a top notch stud, and he would let them breed the mares for free. When he got to the farm to ask about the stud's services, the farmer said "Well, me and my boy are bout to head into town to get a bite to eat, yall just take em on through that gate and cut em loose, he'll work out the rest. We'll be back later".
When the farmer and his son returned, they found the man leaning against his truck, with all 3 horses just casually standing in the pasture. The farmer approached the man and asked "Has he, ya know.... done the deed?"
"No", said the man, "In fact, I think this was a tremendous waste of my time, I'd rather be paying for a stud that is still breeding than waiting on this old geezer to get his act together for free".
"Hang on", said the farmer, " sometimes he just needs a little reminder about what he's got to do here." "Johnny!" The farmer called to his son, "get out there and put ol' Charlie in gear again so we can get this gentleman on the road"
"Yessir", Johnny said as he approached one of the mares while unzipping his pants and removing his belt, "Goddammit, Charlie. I'm only gon' show you how to do this one more time!!"
What Do You Call It When You Get High And Perform Oral Sex?
going down in a blaze of glory
thanks jon bovi
The Music Composer At My School Is Suffering From Cancer.
He's in the hospital being fed through a tuba.
Claude The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. One hundred fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
So It's Game Night At A Social Group.
The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose?
They chose "Sorry!".
Hunter Goes Into The Forest To Hunt A Grizzly Bear...
This hunter goes to the forest to hunt a grizzly bear with a bow and an arrow. After many hours of stalking, the grizzly gets in range, the hunter shoots and misses. The grizzly chases down the hunter, catches him, tears off his pants and ass rapes him.
The next day the hunter goes with a rifle to get revenge. Again he misses, grizzly catches and ass rapes him. Hunter tries again and again with a shot-gun, a semi-automatic rifle and a machine gun, failing every time and getting ass raped each time.
Finally he goes into the forest with a bazooka. He's determined he will get revenge for all the humiliation and torture this time. Finding the grizzly in the usual spot, he takes aim and fires. There is a big explosion and when the smoke clears, to his dismay he sees the grizzly is completely unhurt. Cursing his luck, the hunter then turns around, takes his pants off and bends over.
The grizzly walks upto him and says " Do you come really here to hunt or just to get fucked?"
There Are Two Cavemen Sitting By A Fire... [OC]
One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?" and his friend says, "No, CRUNCH CRUNCH, me more of a stones guy."
I Can't Come Tonight, Couldn't Get A Babysitter..
It is really difficult to get a babysitter when you don't have any children.
Two Lawyers Sit Down In A Restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Zipper Problems
When your zipper is open, you can never know if you forgot to close it in the first place or if it opened by itself. This seems to happen quite a bit and below is a story of someone who thought he could spin the situation into his favor.
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, ‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention? " The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..
"No, no, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'
My House Was Burgled While I Was Out...
My wife and I went out for the night to have a few drinks, she had put a stew in the slow cooker and we were going to have it when we got back but while we were out we were burgled, ransacked the place stole some money and my wife's jewellery. That wasn't even the worst part, before they left the swines took a shit in the slow cooker.... Who even does that?? Shitting in somones stew?? Utterly disgraceful.... Had to throw half of it out.
What's The Difference Between Woman's Breasts And A Box Of Matches?
The matches are made for adults, but kids constantly grab'em and play with them.
The situation is quite opposite with breasts.
Two Friends Are Sitting At A Train Station And They See A Dog...
...It's licking it's cock, one of the friends remarks "Wow, I really wish i could do that", the other friend looks at him slightly bemused and says "Give the dog a biscuit and he'll probably let you".
A Male Patient Is Lying In Bed In The Hospital...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
The Local Cardiologist Just Died.
And everyone showed up at the funeral with hearts. Hearts of all kinds were put on his casket.
Little Johnny says "Boy, I'm not gonna miss the Gynecologist's funeral!"
A New Manager Starts At A Company...
...and finds 3 envelopes in his new desk. The first says "Open during your first major crisis." After a few months at his company, sales fall badly and his department begins losing a lot of money. He opens the first envelope, and a note inside it says "Organise a meeting with the shareholders. Blame your predecessor's unrealistic targets and unachievable goals." The manager does as the envelope says, and to his relief the shareholders agree and understand.
Sales pick back up soon after, however after a few more months the manager's department loses most of their major clients to a foreign competitor and many salespeople resign. The manager looks at the next envelope in his desk, which says "Open during your second major crisis." The manager opens it, and a note inside it says "Organise a meeting with the shareholders. Blame the economic downturn, and the strength of the Dollar/Euro/Yen to the Pound." Following the success of the previous advice, the manager organises another meeting with the shareholders and explains how the strength of the Yen against the Pound during the recession allowed their Japanese competitor to undercut their prices. The shareholders again understand, and the manager feels even greater relief than before.
A few more months after this issue, customer complaints in the manager's department become overwhelming, and the manager cannot afford to fix every client's problems. The manager looks at the final envelope in his desk, which reads "Open during your third major crisis." The manager opens it, and the note inside it says "Prepare three envelopes."
A Sad Short Wrench Walks Into A Bar
and asks for a beer
the bartender asks why is he so sad.
and the wrench replies "can you leave me alone, i don't want to torque"
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Drunk Guy
Guy: Dude I Wasn't That Drunk, Friend:Dude U Were WAtching TV And Laugh, Guy: Sooo -_-, Friend : The TV Wasn't On
My Job Is Fucking Unbelievable...
...I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about my colleagues:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is forever fixing her hair or putting on more make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I constantly find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe unaided.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet, here she is with us. However, on the hotness scale, she is unfortunately, a zero out of 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts & she dresses like she got lost in an 80's charity sale. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner guy. And this chap is more than just your average pothead. He is always baked; before he comes to work, definitely during work, and I'm pretty sure after work too. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 60's, with this ridiculous hair that surely hasn't been brushed in months, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge, dumb Great Dane walking around half-stoned from the toker's second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are always constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops for fast-food snacks, every single fucking day. Like i said, it's fucking unbelievable.
Anyway, about my actual job, I drive these fucktards around in my flowery van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Armed Forces Camp Fire
An Army Ranger, a Navy SEAL, a Green Beret, and a Marine are all sitting around a camp fire telling stories.
The Army Ranger says the are the best because they parachute in, hump 20 miles and then kill everyone in sight.
The Navy SEAL states the are the best for parachuting in, humping 30 miles and killing everyone in sight.
The Green Beret finally bursts out and exclaims that they are the best for parachuting in, humping 40 miles and killing everyone in sight.
When they ask the Marine he is silent. Stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.
Seasonal Jokes
Spring Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims! Summer Q: What do you call a dog on the beach in the Summer? A: A hot dog! Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen? A: Because they peel. Fall Q. How you mend a broken pumpkin? A. With a pumpkin patch! Winter Q: How do Eskimos make their beds? A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow. Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter? A: They wear snowcaps. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day! Q: What do you call a slow skier? A: A slopepoke! Q: Why did the farmer wear one boot to town? A: Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow! Q: Where does a polarbear keep its money? A: In a snow bank! Q: What do you call a snowman in the desert? A: A puddle! Q: How does an Eskimo stick his house together? A: With igloo! Q: What is a snowman’s favorite breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snowbody!
How Many Wal-Mart Workers Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
One to screw in the lightbulb, stock four carts of supplies, and handle seventeen simultaneous customers at any one time for five consecutive hours.
An Accordion Player Walks Into A Bar,
orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.
Talk Like A Pirate Day
Here's my impersonation of a pirate:
ahem
Look at me.
Look at me.
I'm the captain now.
This Is Not A Dirty Joke.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Teacher Student
Teacher: Drinking More water is good or bad? Student: undoubtedly good maddam Teacher: Very Good So tell me, why we drink water?
Student: because we cannot eat water ma`am, that is why we drink water
My Girlfriend And I Walked Passed A "swanky" New Restaurant Last Night...
"Did you smell that food" she asked, "incredible." being the gentleman that I am I thought "what the heck, I'll treat her, so we walked passed it again....
Who Found America
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
A Young Boy Is Digging A Hole In His Garden...
A neighbour walks past and says "what's the hole for?"
The boy replies "my goldfish has died"
The neighbour responds, "it's a rather big hole isn't it?"
The boy replies once more "well yes, its got to fit your cat in it!"
A Feminist Grammar-nazi's Favourite Joke (NOT A Mean Joke)
A woman without her man is nothing!
"Wait, that's not quite right!"
A woman; without her, man is nothing!
Two Antennas Met On A Roof, Fell In Love And Got Married. The Ceremony Wasn't Much,
but the reception was excellent.
What Is Guns N' Roses' Favorite Type Of Sandwich?
Pananananana ni ni (to the tune of Welcome to the Jungle) And that's a thatinternetexporer original
Apparently, Over 80% Of People...
Apparently, over 80% of people don't know the opposites the the following words...
1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down
It's even harder, I'm told, to read the opposites of those words out loud.
New Weights And Measures
The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
100 Senators = Not 1 decision
A Burglar Broke Into A Home...
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again "Jesus is watching you" He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes". He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said Moses. The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said "The same kind of people who would name their Pit Bull Jesus".
e: to the people writing that it's an old joke....I don't give a shit.
A Man Walks Into His Kitchen With A Sheep Under His Arm When He Looks At His Wife And Says...
"This is the pig I've been fucking when you're not around."
His wife rolls her eyes and replies "that's a sheep, not a pig, idiot."
"I wasn't taking to you."
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
My Friend Jerry And I Built A House...
It was absolutely floorless. I mean we really nailed it this time. Not like the last one that we screwed up. This time we just did a really wood job.
My Grandad Had An Old Dog...
one day, he must have known he was dying, he crawled out into the yard, shit everywhere and died under a car. We had to give the dog to a shelter after that.
What Do You Call Someone From Massachusetts Who Murders A Bunch Of Catholics?
A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.
My Wife Caught Me Cheating
My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.
Non English Speakers, Translate The Best Joke You Have From Your Language. Other Redditors Will Have To Guess From What Country The Joke Is.
Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.
Before I Go To Bed, I Like To Take A Bath And Than Listen To Single Ladies.
Its my own Bed, Bath and Beyonce.
The Night Before The Wedding
The bride-to-be and her bridesmaids were giggling over tequila and strawberry daiquiris at the bachelorette party. The maid of honor started a game of truth or dare.
"If your boyfriend were a soda, what would he be?" she slurred at the other bridesmaid.
"7-Up, because he's got seven inches and he can keep it up. What about you?"
"Mountain Dew. He knows how to mount and do me. And what about the future Mrs. Johnson? What kind of soda is Matt?"
"Jack Daniels," said the bride proudly.
"But that's not a soda! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" protested her friends.
The bride looked at them and said, "Girls, why do you think I'm marrying him?"