edit: hey! front page! thank you everyone
edit ii: thanks for the gold!
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Wednesday, August 31, 2016
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees A Sign That Reads..
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes" she purrs, "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
What's The Difference Between A Loaded Potato And A Normal One?
Someone's a lot less deadly with a normal potato.
I Was Asked Earlier Today On My View On Lesbian Relationships.
Apparently in "HD" was the wrong answer.
So, When It's Your Friend's Birthday, You're A Servant. But, When It's Yours, You Expect To Be A King/queen For A Day.
Teachers, for the love of god, DO NOT make us write shitty ass fake cards to the teacher who nearly punched a kid's eye out. She must have been blinded by the candle.
I Don't Think I Could Ever Do A Threesome.
I can't even satisfy one girl, let alone a girl and a guy.
A Woman With Alzheimer's Gets A Call From Her Doctor...
"So, I looked over your MRI, and it seems that you have a quite large brain tumor. Miss, if you don't come in IMMEDIATELY, you could die in as little as 24 hours."
"Who is this, again?"
Mam: "Which Book Has............
Mam: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!" :)
Like if you agree.............
Do You Know Why I Only Date Black Girls?
Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad
So A Woodsman Is Making His Way Back Into Town After Four Months
He stocks up on supplies and goes to the only dive bar in town and asks the bartender "Hey! Do you have any easy women in this bar? I haven't gotten laid in months!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "No, but we do have that China man right over there"
The woodsman yells "Hell no! I don't swing that way, I'm not into that at all" as he angrily leaves and heads back up to his cabin.
Another three months go by and the woodsman makes his way into town for more supplies and stops at the same bar:
"Hey! Any easy women here this time?"
The bartender looks at him again and says "No, but we do have that China man over there in that booth"
"Hell no!" the woodsman yells again. "I'm not into that" and leaves again disappointed.
Every few months he would stop by and the same situation would happen, until finally after almost two years of not getting any action, the man walks into the bar:
"Okay, it's been too long and I'm desperate. So.. what if I do want that China man, no one's going to know, right?"
"Well" the bartender says
"I will know, you will know, the china man will know, and that man sitting at the end of the bar will know"
"Well why the hell does he hafta know?!" the woodsman asked
"He has to help me hold the china man down"
There's Two Midgets. They've Been Best Friends Since They Were Little...
They decide to play the lottery together and hit big. They come up with a plan to get two hotel rooms side by side and a hooker for each of them. First one goes in with his hooker and just stares at her, no idea what to do. Next door all night he hears grunting and grunting for hours. Talking the next morning the first one says "I had no idea what to do with her, never had a girl". The second one says "man, I couldn't even get on the fucking bed".
How Do You Catch A Polar Bear?
Cut a hole in the ice and line the edge with peas.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Ladies Room
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A Man Walked Into An Archery Range
He noticed a guy standing alone at the end of the row. This person would draw an arrow from his quiver, stab it into his leg, then ready and loose at the target.
Confused as hell, he asked, "Why are you jabbing yourself in the leg with your arrows before you use them?!"
The man smiled, and replied, "Don't nock it 'til you've tried it."
Why Do Feminists Like To Have Sex With The Lights Off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Houses
If the Red House is red and the Blue House is Blue, what color is the Green House?
...
Brown.
I accidentally broke the sprinkler system.
A Man Walking Along A California Beach Was In Deep Prayer
when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "
A Group Of Bikers See A Girl About To Jump Off A Bridge...
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Poor Tommy
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"
A Man And Wife Are Having A Stroll In The Zoo
A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken headache!"
A Woman And A Man Are Involved In A Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this fine bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
The Restaurant I Work At Has A Lot Of Short Girls Who Can't Reach The Higher Up Shelves And Constantly Ask For Help.
I guess you could say we're frequently short-staffed.
When It Comes To A Lady I Can't Say I Agree With The Saying That "it's What's On The Inside That Counts Most"...
Unless of course I'm having sex with her and we're referring to me.
I Told My Friend That Dracula And I Had Sex With My 12 Inch Penis. He Refused To Believe Me...
I said, "I know it's hard to believe, it's a lot to take into a Count."
An American Tourist Visits China...
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “you no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself!”
Fresh Prince Of Bel Air UK Version.
South-east England born and raised
On reality TV spending most of my days
Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool
And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool
When a couple of cells
Who were up to no good
Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood
I got one little lump and my doctors got scared
They said 'we are putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!'
If A Girl Sleeps With A Lot Of Guys...
GIRL: "If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a slut, but if a guy sleeps with a lot of girls, he's a stud. What the fuck is up with that?"
GUY: "Look at it this way, if a lock gets opened by lots of keys, it's a shitty lock, but if a key can open lots of locks, it's a master key"
Whats The Difference Between A Blowjob And Anal Sex?
One makes your day and the other makes your whole week.
How Do You Embarrass An Archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Some Joke My Dad Told Me A Long Time Ago
What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
Barbers.
An Old Lady Called Me Insane Today. I Said "hey, That's Not Nice!" She Said "fuck You"
That's when i took the fish out of my underpants and started chasing her
A Teacher Asked The Students To Name A Color Composed
little Johnny knew only one possible answer, dark green. Not to forget Joaozinho kept repeating the color name softly. A Black student was sitting in front of little Johnny and did not know any color, but heard the little Johnny response. When the teacher asked the answer to the Black student he replied:
Dark green, teacher. Said DeShawn. Then the teacher asked little Johnny and he quickly responded:
Black motherfucker.
Sure, White People Cant Say They "N" Word
but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"
My Daughter Has Reached That Age Where She Is Asking Embarrassing Questions About Sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
TIL The New England Patriots Can't Play As Well With A Well Oiled European Football.
Greece inflates everything in Europe.
Monday, August 29, 2016
A Boy's Father Is Ill..
A boy's father is very ill. The boy goes to a Christian Scientist Reading Room and asks the minister to pray for his father.
The minister told the boy, "Your father only thinks he is sick because of his lack of faith. Tell him to pray for faith."
A week later the minister sees the boy and asks, "Does your father still think he's sick?"
"No," the boy replied. "Now he thinks he's dead."
What's The Most Awkward Aspect Of Bar-tending At An Internet Cafe?
You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.
A Senior Policeman In China Has Been Suspended From His Job
after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
Man With A Terrible Stuttering Problem Seeks Out A Doctor To Cure His Ailment....
"D-D-D-D-D-Doctor I-I-I Need h-h-h-h-h-elp with this s-s-s-s-s-s-stutter i got!" He explains that his wife loves him but is embarrassed to go out in public with him because of if. He fears she will soon leave him.
"Ok." Says the doctor, "Lets start out with a physical examination."
The man undresses and the doctor immediately sees the problem.
"Here's the problem right here boy. You have an 18 inch long penis! Its pulling on you vocal cords! If we reduce it by half i am sure your stutter will disappear!"
The man, desperate for anything agrees. As soon as he wakes up from the surgery he attempts to speak for the first time:
"Doc! It works! My stutter is gone!"
The doctor pats him on the back and sends him on his way. Two days later the man returns.
"Doctor i underestimated the importance of my penis in my relationship! Now she is not satisfied and has threatened to leave me if i don't get it back! Please Doc i need the rest of my penis back!"
The doctor looks up from his desk and says:
"T-T-T-T-T-Too Late!!"
A Woman Sneezes On An Airplane
A man sitting next to a woman on an airplane noticed that everytime she sneezed she had a big smile on her face. After several times he finally built the nerve to ask: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice everytime you sneeze you smile. Why is that?" "Well", she said, "everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm." "Damn! You take anything for that?", he asked. "Oh yes! Pepper!"
What's The Difference Difference Between Hitler And A Little Kid?
Hitler didn't get a medal for trying to finish a race.
NUTS
One nut asks another nut, "hey what are you doing tonight?"
The other nut replies, "Umm nuttin' "
I'm Offended By The Phrase "Blood Drive."
I think it's too violent; they should rename it "Plasma-thon."
A Pedophile And His Friend Are Walking Down The Street
A pedophile and his friend are walking down the street and the pedophile sees a little girl and says:
-Hey, look at that chick.
-Dude, she is like 9 years old.
-I know, but she looks like she is 7.
The Doctors Rushed Quickly To Remove The Bullet Which Was Lodged In His Artery...
But it turns out it was all in vain
And Now For The Best Horror Game Of The Year! FNAF Vs Slender:The Arrival!
FNAF wins!
(The FNAF fanbase will scream at us if we pick anything else)
Always Find The Silver Lining
A family was exiting a funeral. When the 13 year old son asks, his mother: "what will happen to us if you and Dad die?" The younger daughter knew. Without hesitation, she says "We'd go in the limo."
In 1993, The American Government Funded A Study To See Why The Head Of A Man's Penis Was Larger Than The Shaft.
After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Romania, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Before & After Marriage
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you...
After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don't come near me, Paray hatt tuu,
Why Did The Momma Pepper Tuck In Her Baby?
Because he was a little chili
(Actually came up with this while making chili)
I Should Have Noticed That My Son, A Railroad Worker Is Stealing From His Workplace
But each time he came home I just ignored the signs
Sunday, August 28, 2016
QA Engineer Walks Into A Bar
He orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beer. Orders sfdeljknesv.
I Went To A Chinese Restaurant The Other Day....
When my food arrived I was shocked to find an eye in the noodles looking straight at me!
I called the waiter over right away who said "what's wrong sir?" I said "there's an eye in my food!" "yes sir, that's the peking duck"
Why Are "Blonde" And "H1B" Similar?
The native speakers of both do not realize how stupid they actually are ...
UNLIKELY HONEYMOON
Rumors were flying at a small tourist hotel about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "What happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator." The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh, God. When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
Chuck Norris Can't Fuck With Kanye! Lool
Chuck Norris is the only person Kanye West won't interrupt!
There Was A Dog Name "Outside".
On one rainy day, he was on the house yard and his owner shouts "Outside, inside now!"
The dog didn't know what to do and died.
So My Girlfriend Bought A New Pink Floyd Inspired Dress.
It has two arrows on it. One pointing up saying Brain Damage, the other pointing down saying Wish You Were Here.
Two Hunters Are Out In The Woods When One Of Them Collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, what's next?"
A St. Louis Blues Fan And Chicago Blackhawks Fan
walk into a bar together. The Blackhawks fan looks over and asks the Blues fan "what's the post season like?"
The Blues fan replies, "I don't know ask the Cubs."
I thought of this the other day leaving the Blues/Hawks game with my buddy. He's a Hawks fan and I'm a Blues fan. We started giving each other shit after the Blues won. Might not be the best, but we still chuckled at it.
Happy New Year Joke 2016 :))
This new year I will be less sarcastic and more positive and ill be very nice and kind To everyone around me and my plan is not to screw up !:p I know exactly how I will be spending my new year. One the couch watching fireworks on Television all alone. Why would I need a New Year’s resolutions when I am Good just the way I am? My goal for 2016 is to accomplish the goals of 2015 which should have been done in 2016 and I promised myself I’ll do them in 2015 and planned to do in 2016. Friends; How was your new year , what did you do? Where did you go? How did You spend it? Me: you can read all about it on my Facebook ! Happy New Year 201
A Man Received A Message From His Neighbour...
"Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do... I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty. I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"
Girl Friend Wants Stars :D
Style of break up: Boy bought gift for His Girl friend- GF:Wat the hell would I do with this rocket? Boy: U wanted stars na? Now sit on it and GET LOST :P
[Oldie But An Goldie] A Man And His Wife Are On Vacation In Tibet...
While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
"Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.
"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.
Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45."
By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"
"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer.
"Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"
"Of course", the man replies.
"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience.
"Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.
"Now" the man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"
The Founder Of Chili's Is Having Second Thoughts About His Divorce.
He wants his baby back, baby back, baby back...
My Grandfather Died In A Concentration Camp In Nazi Germany...
... he fell from a watchtower when he got drunk again.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
The Prosecution's Case
The prosecution's case is based on one very compelling piece of evidence.
The defendant is black.
Inmates Running The Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A Student Finishes His Assignment Late And Runs To Class To Turn It In.
When he gets there, he sees the teacher grading papers one by one from a huge pile on her desk.
"I'm here to turn this in," he says.
"I'm sorry," said the teacher. "I won't accept this. This paper was due yesterday. If you had submitted it on time like everyone else, there wouldn't be a problem."
The student starts fuming. "Do you know who the fuck I am?" he asks. "Do you know who the fuck you're talking to?"
"No." says the teacher. "I don't care in the slightest who you are."
"Good." says the student. He slides his paper in the middle of the pile and leaves the room.
What Did The Confused Mackem Say When He Discovered That He Was Smack Bang In The Middle Of Newcastle?
I'm in the middle of no Wear
Two Factory Workers Talking: Woman
Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”
Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.” Man: “And how would you do that?” Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?” Woman: “I’m a light bulb.” Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?” The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Teacher: What Are Some Products Of The West Indies?
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor..
Some Sicko Prison Warden Gatherd 5 Prisoners And..
some sicko prison warden gatherd 5 prisoners and took them to an island for and execution , he told them that they will play a game and whoever wins will be pardoned , the game was to bring a 10 fruits from the island , the first guy brings an apple , the warden told him to shove it up his own ass and if he does so without making an expersion he is free , he shoved the first one and screamed the warden kills the guy and so it was the same for the second who found lemons and as well as for the third who found carots , but the forth one was lucky he found grapes , so the warden tell him to shove 10 grapes up his own ass witout making an experstion , he easely shoved 9 grapes but when he was going for number 10 he laught so the warden kills him , when they mean in the afterlife the first 3 told him DUUDE WTF YOU HAD GRAPES THE WERE EASY WHY DID YOU LAUGH ,,? he answerd : IT'S BECAUSE WHEN I STARTED GOING FOR THE 10TH ONE I SAW THE LAST PRISONER ON HIS WAY TO THE WARDEN WITH 10 WATERMELLONS
Two Foot Fetishists Are Sitting In The Back Of A Police Van.
One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."
If You Give A Man A Fish He Will Eat For A Day But...
if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Teacher : Do You Know The Reason Manchester United Lost To Arsenal ?
Student : Manchester United lost because their defenders were Young, Small and Blind
My Friend Told Me I Sounded Pretentious In My Essay
I don't get it: I don't think I sound ostentatious.
A Zoophile, A Sadist, A Necrophiliac And A Thrillseeker Are Sitting In A Dark Jail Cell...
The zoophile says:" I wish we had a cat in here, I would fuck it!" The sadist:"Yeah and I would kill it!" The necrophiliac:" Then I would fuck it again!" The thrillseeker:"MEOW!"
Why Would Nikola Tesla Walking Around In Crocs Make Him Communist?
He would have rubbers shoes in motion!
An Amish Farmer Has To Go Into Town To Do Some Business. He Decides To Take His Wife And Son Because None Of Them Have Ever Been To Town.
He finds the building he is looking for and they all go inside. His wife sees a small shop and goes in to look around while he and hisson take care of business. He knows he needs to go to the 3rd floor, but can't find the stairs.
They see a large metal door with numbers on it with an older unattractive woman standing in front of it. All of a sudden the doors opens to a room with no exit, and the woman gets in it and the doors close. The numbers over the door go up to 6 and then back down to 1 and the doors open. A beautiful woman steps out and the doors close again.
The father looks at his son and says "Boy, go get your mother"
Friday, August 26, 2016
What Do Politicians And Diapers Have In Common?
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
I Asked My Father If I Could Go To A '50Cent' Concert.
He gave me a dollar and told me to take my sister too. :))))))))
I kek'd and I hope you do too.
EDIT:For the Shakespearean alternative of this delightful joke.
Thou asked ith father if thus can entertain thyself at ones greeting of thou arts.
Thou 'realist OG'ist' handed thou coin, and advised thou servant to taketh thy plebian infant.
EDIT#2: UP-BOOT DIS PLZ, DIS IZ COMEDY GENIUS
On The Roof Of A Very Tall Building Are Four Men; One Is Asian, One Is Mexican, One Is Black, And The Last One Is White.
The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
What Is The Difference Between Erotic And Kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Whats The Difference Between A Tire And 365 Used Condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
12.
One to
screwchange it inOne to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination
One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination
One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like"
One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic
One to blame men for not changing the bulb
One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs
One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs
One to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians
One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men
One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
Husband Comes Home Early And Sees His Wife With A Black Man.
And says: "Now i can see black on white that you are cheating on me. "
What Do You Do When You Hear A Woman Got Hit By A Car?
Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen
How Many Cockroaches Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
I don't know. When I turn on the light they're all gone.
I Am NOT Happy!
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
How Many Prostitutes Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Obviously more than four, they've been in my basement for days, and it's still dark down there!
A Diabetic Man Is At His Wife's Funeral
His friend sitting next to him says, "I'm so sorry for your loss." "Thanks man, I miss her so much" diabetic man says. "What? I don't give a shit about your wife, I was talking about your feet."
What Did The Alabama Sherriff Call The Black Man Who Had Been Shot 15 Times?
The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
THREE ROSES
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." "What about the third rose?" asks the patient. "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
HOME LATE
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Thursday, August 25, 2016
ASPIRING FIREMAN
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."
A Pig And A Chicken Want To Open A New Restaurant...
The pig asks what they would name it.
The Chicken says, "why not eggs and ham?"
The pig said no because that would require full commitment on his part and left.
Today I Walked Up To Some Girls And Asked If They Liked Guys With Big Dicks
They replied yeah.
I replied, "I'm sorry for wasting your time..." turned around and walked away awkwardly.
A Wife And Husband Are Spending A Day At The Beach...
When the wife turns to her husband and says, "Honey, why don't you go for a swim, I think Greenpeace is on patrol now."
Two Blonds And A River
a blonde is walking along a river, having a good time. then she sees another blonde on the other side. she yells "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!" the other blonde yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!!"
Where Are The Longest Hairs Of The Body?
Inside the nose. Because every time you pull one, you feel the pain until your ass.
How To Capture An Elephant
step 1 dig a hole. step 2 fill the hole with ash. step 3 surround it with peas. step 4 when the elephant comes to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole!
I Showed My 12 Year Old Son An Old Floppy Disk..
He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"
A Woman Is In A Coma
A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.
So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do.
The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered.
The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'
Do You Remember Blowing Bubbles When You Were A Child?
Well he is back in town and wants you to give him a call.
How's A Divorce Like A Hurricane...
There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house.
She Told Me To Give Her 9 Inches, And Make It Hurt.
So i fucked her 3 times, and punched her in the nose
Why Is It A Bad Idea For China To Become A Democracy?
Do you know how hard it would be to orchestrate a national erection
A Drug Dealer Sold Me Shoes Today
I don't know what he laced them with because I've been tripping all day.
A Funeral Procession Pulled Into A Cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman." "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
What Does It Mean When A Man Is In Your Bed, Gasping For Air, And Calling Your Name?
You didn't hold down the pillow for long enough.
A Daughter Tells Her Father:....
Tomorrow one member of the family will be subtracted Next day the daughter ran away with her boyfriend Father:Though she did the wrong thing....but she was an astrologer
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
I Would Never Write A Joke In Multiple Choice Form...
Because A) person who thinks that it would B) funny should go C) a psychiatrist.
A Man And Woman Were Married, And Then Divorced....
A man and woman were married, divorced, and remarried.
The divorce did not work out.
How Many Cops Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to beat the room for being black.
Why Are Redneck Murder Victims So Hard To Identify?
Everybody's DNA is the same and there are no dental records.
After His Annual Checkup, Bob Learns That He Has A Rare Disease And 12 Hours To Live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate. Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time." "That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."
A Girl Invites Her Boyfriend For A Dinner With Her Parents...
so her boyfriend goes to a pharmacy and ask for condoms,
the pharmacist ask the bf "which box you want?",
the bf answers "the biggest..., today im going to meet my gf parents for the first time, we will have dinner, and after that i will invite her to my place and fuck all night".
After few hours...
bf at the parents house, he starts the prayment before the dinner... 5 minutes passed... 10 minutes... he still praying and praying...
the gf whispers to him... "i didnt know you are so religious...!!!"
the bf answers... "i didnt know your father is a pharmacist...!!!!!!"
In Harry Potter, As Soon As Harry Gets His Inheritance Money, He Starts Blowing It On Stupid Stuff Off The Trolley
In the wizarding world, I believe they call that "Muggle rich"
Why Do The Cops Monitor The Store That Sells Upper-case Letters For Computers?
It's a shifty business.
Why Did God Give Blonds 2% More Brains As He Gave Horses.
So that they don't shit on the street during parade.
My Black Friend Asked Me Where To Find The Color Copier
I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to
I Went Out With A Girl Last Week, She Told Me She Wanted To Be 'treated Like A Princess'...
So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.
What Did The Hurricane Say To The Coconut Palm Tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
A Catholic Priest And An Orthodox Priest Walk Into A Bar
They sit at a table, have a few drinks, share a few laughs and then the mood suddenly gets serious.
You know John, said the orthodox priest, I wish I could divorce my wife, I can never have kids with her.
Don't fret Yannis! Tis No reason to be gloom.
I can never have kids either, but that doesn't stop me.
I Lost My Virginity.
Can't remember a thing, my pussy hurts and there is a used condom on the floor. Last thing I remember was seeing Bill Cosby in the bar.
What's The Difference Between A Drummer In A Rock'n'roll Band And An Extra Large Pizza?
The extra large pizza can feed a family of four.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
A Redneck Goes To A Hardware Store To Buy A Chainsaw.
"You should buy this one," the cashier says. "It can fell 1,000 trees in just one day."
The redneck buys the chainsaw and leaves.
The next day he returns with an angry look on his face. "You sold me a piece of junk! I've been using this damn thing all day and I only cut down one tree!"
The cashier believes he's cheated the man and gives him a brand new saw free of charge. The redneck takes it and leaves.
He comes back the next day even angrier than before. "This one's just as bad as the one you sold me earlier!"
The cashier can't believe that two of his best chainsaws would fail like that, so he decides to go home with the redneck and test the saws in the woods.
The cashier takes one chainsaw and turns it on.
The startled redneck turns to him and says, "What the hell was that noise?"
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Because after intensive market analysis the KFC corporation concluded that the franchise would benefit from the more favorable traffic patterns on the opposite side of the intersection.
September Was The First Calendar Month No NFL Players Were Arrested In Six Years.
Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.
A Cowboy Walks Into A Saloon...
And orders a drink.
"But make it quick", he says to the bartender, "Big Dave's going to be here any minute now."
So the cowboy drinks up and leaves, but just a few minutes later, the saloon doors swing open, and in walks another cowboy. This cowboy, however, is seven feet tall, built like a brick shit house, buried in guns and explosives. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink.
"But make it quick", he says to the bartender, "Big Dave's going to be here any minute now."
A Book Never Written:
A Complete History of Books and Grimoires Decided to be Ponderous Reading by Geighton Wiffit and Harry Upp
As A Young Southern Farmer I Used To Dread Wasting My Time With Hoes
Now finally I can afford a tractor
A White Guy, A Mexican, And A Black Guy Die And Go To Hell.
Upon their arrival, the devil walks up to the three guys and says, "I'll make you three a deal. If I can grab your dick, and it doesn't melt, I'll send you back to earth." The three men consider this for a moment, and eventually agree.
So all three men drop their pants, and the devil steps up to the white guy and grabs his dick. It melts immediately, and the devil kicks the white guy into the pits. He then turns to the Mexican, and grabs his dick, which also melts immediately, and kicks him into the pits.
Finally, the devil turns to te black guy, and grabs his dick.
Nothing happens.
The devil looks surprised, as the black guy smiles at him. So the devil tries again.
Still nothing.
The black guy laughs, and the devil says "What's so fucking funny? "
The black guy replies with a smile on his face, "Don't you know? Chocolate melts in your mouth. Not in your hand."
What Did Mick Jagger Say When He Walked In On Hugh Hefner In Bed With Dennis Weaver?
He said "Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould"
I Don't Know Why People Get So Upset About The Death Penalty
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.
What's The Difference Between Paul Walker And My Computer?
I actually care when my computer crashes.
On The Eve Of Her Execution, A Woman Is Asked What Her Last Meal Will Be.
"I don't know. What do you want?"
My Local Hardware Store Was Closed, So I Travelled 2 Hours For A Wrench
Now I'm reaching new Lowe's.
Why Do Scuba Divers Fall Backwards Out Of A Boat?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
What's The Difference Between A Bindle Of Cocaine And A Baby??
Eric Clapton wouldn't let one fall out the window
First Day On The New Job, Boss Says "We're Going To Give A Drug Test"
and I said "Great, I know all about drugs."
Why Did Stephen Get An A On His Test?
He held his teacher at gunpoint and forced her to give him a good grade despite the fact he got an F.
Monday, August 22, 2016
A Group Of Abortion Kills Protests Stand Outside An Unrelated For Profit Business
The employee complains, "What! Are we in the business of killing babies now?"
The manager asks, "well that depends, do they count as a profit, or loss."
Blonde Woman Goes To The Doctor...
She tells the doctor that her husband has terrible dandruff and they've tried everything and it just keeps getting worse. Doctor tells the blonde to go home, give him head and shoulders, and come back in two weeks. Two weeks pass and the woman goes back to the doctor, "I'm stumped, he still has dandruff and I don't know how to give him shoulders!"
New Dating Service
Old George just came back from the Center all excited about a new dating service they have started there for Seniors.
"I don't know all of the details about it," George said, "I just figure it will help us improve our social life. I think it may have something to do with charcoal cooking on the grill or maybe art with charcoal sketching. They are calling it Carbon Dating."
Do Not Be Racist; Be Like Mario.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
A Ham Sandwich Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Beer.
Bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
A Bus Full Of Nuns Falls Of A Cliff And They All Die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Modern Idioms
MODERN IDIOMS
1- Money is not everything: There are Credit Cards too.:-D
2- Books are Holy: Don't touch them..:-)
3- Love animals: They are Tasty..:-p
4- Save water; Drink juice..:-)
5- Study is healthy: Leave it for the sick..;-)
6- No Noise in class; You disturb those asleep..:-p
7- Love your neighbor: But don't get caught..;)
8- Must get Married: Happiness is not the only Aim of life..:-p ;-D
My Atitude Is All About You
S0me sAys alwasy remembr me ..!!
S0me sayS .. Nevr f0rget me S0me sayS .. Nevr Leav me ..!!
bUt "I LuV my aTtiTude" So I say ForgEt me if yU cAn.
So Two Men Are Talking About Their Jobs
The first man says he's going to retire tomorrow, and starts crying
The second man asks, "Why are you crying? Retiring is such a nice experience!"
The first man replies, "But, I'm a suicide bomber!"
Deceased Is Being Take In Coffin Up The Mountain When...
It falls out and on its way down it gets stuck on a tree, the other day hunter passes by thinking that it's a bird and shoots it, deceased falls down leading the hunter to believe that he killed him so the hunter takes the dead body and throws it into the river. The other day poacher throws a dynamite into the same river and when it explodes the corpse flies out of the water, he thinks he killed a man so he hides it in the hay nearby. The other day farmer drives trident in the hay and goes right through the chest of the deceased, like others he thinks he has killed a man so he throws him on the road where the corpse gets hit by truck, the truck driver takes the man in hospital, after 10 hour operation doctor comes out of operation rooms and says: "ten minutes and he would be dead"
I Dropped My Phone In The Toilet, So I Put It In A Bowl Of Rice,
and waited for the Asians to come and fix it.
My Dick Is So Average...
It's struggling with student loan debt but doesn't even use it's degree... Or Can handle about 5-6 beers before it's totally useless Or Its like the Toyota corolla of dicks
I Went To The Optician Today
I was seen by a very attractive female optician.
She rather awkwardly told me that I had to stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said because she was trying to examine my eyes.
Want To Know How High Your IQ Is? Look At Idiots On The Internet.
Just look at idiots who rant about invalid things on the internet and say you do one thing when you don't. Look at them, and in 2 minutes you found your IQ.
Why Do Roofers Hate Browsing Porn Sites In The Summer?
Too many ads for hot shingles in their areas!
I Love To Shave With A New Razor.
It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
A Man Dies And Goes To Heaven...
He's greeted by Saint Peter who explains that when someone new arrives he takes them on a tour. The tour begins and they come to a room full of people studying "these are the Catholics" Peter explains "they partied down on Earth so they have to study here in Heaven." "I see" the man responds, and the tour continues. He and Peter then come to a room with a big party inside "these are the Baptists, they studied on Earth so they get to party here." "Oh, that's cool" the man replies, watching the party goers as he and Peter keep walking. As the tour continues the man notices a dark room "what's in there?" he asks, stopping to take a look. Peter looks and says "oh, that's Church of Christ, we don't let them know anyone else is here."
I Lost My Watch At A Party Last Night.
I lost my watch at a party last night. I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. Nobody does that to a girl.... not on my watch.
What Do The Oregon Shooter And Someone Who Had An Abortion Have In Common?
They both killed a wombful of people.
Courtesy of http://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/3ndfzu/warning_very_political_sarcasm/cvnecky
A Man Walks In To A Bar...
H goes to the bar tender, and proposes a bet. "I bet you £50 that I can piss into a shot glass from 10 feet away, and not spill a drop!" The bar tender says "You're on! There's no way you have that much control!"
They set a shot glass at one end of the bar, and the man stands on the bar at the other end. He drops his trousers, and proceeds to piss all over the bar, not even getting a drop in the glass. The bar man is laughing with glee - "You see! I told you, you had no chance! You didn't even get close - why would you even attempt that bet?"
"Because I bet my friend outside £500 that I could walk in here and piss all over your bar, and you'd be laughing when I was done"
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar With A Steering Wheel Around His Penis...
The bartender asks him "why in god's name do you have a steering wheel around your penis?"
The pirate looks up at the man and shouts - "ARGGG!!! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!!!"
The Friends Ride Up Into The Mountains...
"My legs are really starting to tire!" said Jeff, as the bike tires bounced and bobbled over the aged rocks down below. It was the first time since the riders had taken this route and they were having a hard time enjoying the ride but Pepe was determined to make it through the new setting. "Maybe it will get easier once we make it past that pool of water!" he exclaimed. They peddled and peddled and poor Jeff was finding the steep terrain hard to bear. Now he was shaking and becoming weak, causing hia hands to begin to lose grip on the handles. They continued, with Jeff giving his absolute all, but alas, when they reached the pool of murky water, it all went downhill from there...
Which made it a very relieving and pleasant ride down and finally granted Jeff a well earned rest as he took in the view.
Tl:Dr Sugar coated pun
What Did The Commander Say When She Realized That She Had Left Matt Damon On Mars?
"I have left my Mark on Mars"
Why Can't Mexicans Win The Olympics?
Because every one that can run, jump or swim has already crossed the border.
What's The Difference Between The English Rugby Team And A Teabag?
A teabag stays in the cup longer!
(im so sorry ;-;)
Inception 2 Plot Leaked!
"In a world where technology exists to enter the human mind through dream invasion, a highly skilled actor is given a final chance at an Oscar which involves executing his toughest job to date: crawling into the brain of every single 70 year old, white male Academy member."
Have You Ever Heard Of Skrillex? Ah Forget It...
I was gonna make a Dubstep joke, but I'll just drop it
How Do You Tell The Difference Between An Oral And A Rectal Thermometer?
Rectal thermometer tastes like shit
Saturday, August 20, 2016
I Couldn't Sleep, The Night I Broke Up With My Wife...
The couch was very uncomfortable and the noisy hamster in the living room didn't help either.
A Nun Is Taking A Bath And Hears A Knock At The Door.
She rushes to the door and asks "Who is it?"
The man outside replies, "It's the blind man" The nun opens the door and asks "How can I help you?" The blind man replies "Nice tits, where can I hang the blinds?"
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Orders 12 Shots Of Whiskey...
The barman is taken aback but lines them up anyway. Without hesitating the man knocks them back one after the other. Impressed, the barman says "hey, what's the occasion?". "First blowjob." replies the man. "well congratulations!" says the barman, "let me get you one more on the house!" "No thanks. If twelve shots haven't taken the taste away, one more won't make a difference."
It's The 1920s. A German Tourist While Walking Around In New York City's Chinatown, Notices A Restaurant Named "Hans Baumhauer's Authentic Chop Suey"...
He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town. He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?" "Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhauer." "Really?!" Says the German with surprise, "How did you get such a strange name for a Chinese person?" "50 years ago", begins the old man, with the air of a person who has oft told this tale, "I was standing in the immigration line at Ellis Island having just gotten off the boat from Hong Kong. The immigration officer was coming down the line asking us our names and handing us our paperwork. He reached the guy in front of me in the line and asked him his name. 'Hans Baumhauer' the guy said. The officer handed him his papers. Then he turned to me and asked my name. 'Sem Ting' I said.
What Did The Doctor Say To The Mesothelioma Patient?
There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!
A Man Walks Into A Bar Carrying A Large Wooden Box
the barman asks him what's inside the box, so the man opens the box and inside there is a tiny grand piano and a tiny man playing the piano, the barman says "That's amazing! Where did you get that?" and the man says "well I was on my way here when I met a genie who said he'd grant me one wish... bastard was stone deaf though ... do you really think I'd ask for a twelve inch pianist?"
Even Though The Country Is Called Iceland, Its Winters Are Actually Quite Mild.
Guess they should have called it Chile
Why Are Strip Clubs Now Banned In South Carolina?
Because they can't handle anyone else making it rain
Quazimodo Comes Home To Find His Mrs With The Wok Out.
"ooh Chinese for tea is it love?" He asked.
"No, I'm ironing one of your shirts" She replied.
Crueless Joke
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
So A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Notices A Dog In The Corner Licking Its Balls...
He sits down, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, "Man, I wish I could do that." The bartender replies "Eh I don't know, I'd try petting him first."
Friday, August 19, 2016
A Blind Man Walks Into A Store
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. Suddenly, he picks the dog up by the harness and starts swinging it over his head. A surprised clerk comes up and stammers "C-c-can I help you sir?" The blind man replies...
"No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
I Had To Return Those Books On Middle Eastern Agricultural Products.
They were past the Dubai dates.
Some Scientists Decided To Do The Following Experiments On A Dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Painting The Living Room.
While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the living room."
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but asked, "Why are you wearing two coats?
She replied, "I read the directions on the paint can, and they said, ''For best results, put on two coats!'"
Italian Jesus
An Italian Jesus was asked what he was going to do about all the animals.
He replied 'Do you noah that-a guy with the arc?'
How Is Sex Like Math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
"Miss Can I Please Sleep With You Tonight ?"
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
Why Was The Blot Of Ink So Sad?
It's mother was in the pen and it didn't know how long the sentence was.
If It Took Eight Men Ten Hours To Build A Wall
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Ans : No time at all it is already built.
My Science Teacher Keep Telling Me
My science teacher keeps telling me how bad I'm at science. She will be really pissed when I tell her I made a drug that could help humans live for over a light year.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
A Elderly Man Goes Into Confession And Says To The Priest
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
A Young Couple Are On Their Way To Vegas To Get Married..
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he he had a penis like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"
The girl said: "You told me you had a penis like a baby!"
The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business!'
A Clown And A Little Boy Are Walking Through The Woods Late At Night. A Pack Of Wolves Bay In The Distance.
The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."
Did You Hear About The Vegan What Converted Their Car To Run Run On Herbs?
They wanted to thyme travel!
POISON
A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, "Now, John, how do you know that?" John says, "Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I was in perfect health." The priest asks John if he has gone to the police. "Yes, I have, and they just laughed at me. Would you just talk to her and see if you can pick up on something that would make you think she's upset or mad at me?" The priest says, "Well, John, I'll try and see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up. Come back and see me tomorrow." The next day, John goes to the priest and asks if he found anything suspicious. The priest says, "I talked to your wife for five hours on the phone yesterday, John. Take the poison."
Why Did God Give Marines One More IQ Point Than He Gave Horses?
So they wouldn't shit during parades.
Scientists Say The Average Size Of The Male Penis Has Gone Down To 5 Inches.
This just shows how big the Asian population is getting.
Two Cannibals Were Eating A Clown....
One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
What Did The Male Robot Say To The Female Robot?
1100011010000010001000100101011101111100001011101001101000110011010110100000000110001001101011000001
Why Can Nobody Understand Sausages When They Talk???
Because they speak in tongs.
I'll show myself the door😔
There Is A Guy Who Lives In My Town That Holds The Record For The Most Concussions By A Human.
He actually lives right near me, only a stone's throw away.
A Black Man Was Walking On The Beach.....
....when he kicked up a magic lamp. He picked up the lamp and began to clean it off. POOF! A genie pops out and says "Thank you so much for releasing me! As repayment to you, I will grant you one wish." The man thought long and hard, and finally decided what to ask for. "I'd like to be white, and surrounded by pussy." POOF! He turned into a tampon.
A Man Was Getting His Named Changed
As he was working on the paperwork to do so, his lawyer asked him what his original name was. "Jose Caca" the man said. "My god! That is a terrible name! What are you changing it to?" asked the lawyer.
"Juan Caca" said the man.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
What Did The Grapefruit Basketball Coach Say To The Worst Player On The Team?
You're going to have to ci-tris one out.
I Knew Someone Who Died In A Skydiving Accident.
Their funeral wreath was in the shape of a parachute.
After all, that's what they would've wanted.
A Little Jewish Boy Was Just A Little Late To Catch His Bus Home...
...and the bus drives off with him running on its heels to try and climb onboard. But no matter how much he runs behind it, he's unable to get on and ends up running behind the bus all the way home.
As he jogs home panting and out of breath, Jew dad stops him and asks him whats wrong?
"I missed the bus and chased it all the way home, but on the other hand, I saved my $ 2.50 bus fare!", says little Jew boy with pride.
Jew dad whacks little Jew boy across his face..
"If you had chased after a taxi, you'd have saved a lot more money..!"
The German Chancellor Is Traveling To Greece
She arrives at immigration and the immigration officer says "nationality?" The chancelor says "German" Officer: occupation? Chancelor: no not this time.
What Would Be The Worst Possible Thing To See On Reddit After Losing Your Family In A Car Crash?
[removed] (two children)