She was good reading lips.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Wednesday, November 30, 2016
[NSFW]Four Men Preparing To Become Priests...
Four men were preparing to become priests, and they were on the last few trials. They passed all of the trials before the final with flying colors and were considered the elite. The man initiating the final trial told them the scenario. "All of you strip down to nothing and tie this bell around your penis using the string. Once done, stand still arm-to-arm with each other and make sure that the bell does not go off until I say 'finished'. Once the trial is done, you'll all be initiated into priesthood!" All 4 men did as such and stood arm-to-arm. The man came back into the room, and following him was one of the most beautiful woman any of them had seen. The woman began walking in front of each of them and as she walked in front of the first man, his bell started going off. He hung his head in shame. The woman walked in front of the second woman and the same happened to him. Next, she walked in front of the third man and his bell rang so hard that his bell fell off. She walked by the fourth, and his bell remained silent. She exited the room and the fourth was congratulated for passing all of the trials. "Pick up your bell number three" he said. As the third bent over and picked up his bell, the fourth's bell began ringing so hard, it fell off as well.
Edit: well that was an awkward typo!
How I Learned To Mind My Own Buisness.
I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."
Lone Ranger Find Tonto
laying on trail, ear to ground.
"Tonto! What you doing down there?"
"Red stage coach, 4 horses pulling, 3 brown, one black. Two men on top driving, one gray beard, other black. People inside laugh."
"Tonto! How can you tell all that by listening to ground?"
"No Kimosabe. They run over me 10 minutes ago."
My Mum Sent Me A Text Saying, "I've Got A Funny Game."
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"Hello Mr. Ress, How Have You Been?" Asked The Psychologist.
"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.
"And why do you think that is, Matt?"
Just Fred
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It"s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
"Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
Why Was The United Nations Concerned When The Waitress Dropped The Platter On Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
A 65 Year Old Actress With Early Alzhiemer's Got A Botox Shot, And Later Regretted It.
She couldn't remember her lines.
My Gf Is Getting Glasses
Hey guys - my gf is getting glasses on monday and I need a couple of jokes to fire at her - please do your best 😂
A Car With Three Physicists Is Pulled Over By A Cop.
Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat", Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
The cop proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists and gets tased.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Two Men Break Into A Garden Centre [OC]
When a security guard started shouting insults at them.
One of them took a fence
I Had A Stomach Ache...
My SO asked what's wrong, I said "I have a clog in my intestines" she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"
What Do An 80 Year Old Smoker And The Japanese House Of Representatives Have In Common?
They only have an erection every 4 years
Now That I'm Almost 30, There Is Nothing More Sexy To Me, Than A Girl Who Is Fully Covered...
...By her health insurance provider.
So Another Man Walks Into A Bar...
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of whiskey. Bartender then asks, "why so many shots?"
The man replies "just had my first blow job." "Ah, congrats, the 11th shot will be on the house," replied the bartender.
"No thanks" says the man, "if 10 won't get the taste out of my mouth no way 11 will."
Marc Jacobs And Tom Ford
Buy a puzzle together. They spend a whole week trying to solve it without any luck. Finally Tom says to Marc: "Let's call Tommy, Hilfiger it out."
Went clothes shopping with my SO and got bored...
Cristiano Ronaldo Walk Into A Bar...
And asks for a soda. Meanwhile he stares at a pretty girl. He ask to join her o and she agrees. After a couple of minutes they go out to his hotel. After a couple of minutes they are having sex. He take his hair with is right hand and pulls hard. "Oh yeah, you're strong" she screams. Then he slaps her buttok and she says "oh yeah, you're rude". Then he takes a nutella bottle and spread it all along her body... and she says "oh yeah, you're messy"
A Narcissist Walks Into A Bar...
A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.
The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."
What Is The Opposite Of A Misogynist?
That little pussy, Brian. Always talking about his feeling and shit like a little bitch. Fucking grow a pair, dude.
A Man Walks Into A Bar ...
And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.
"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"
The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"
"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"
"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.
"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.
"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."
What Did Beyonce Say When Jay-Z Refused Anal?
If you liked it you should had put a ring muscle on it!
A Chinese Man Starts A New Job In Construction.
Having never worked in construction before, the foreman decides to get him to give bricklaying a go. However the whole day he hears nothing but complaints from his co-workers. Clearly bricklaying isn't for him so he tells the Chinese man, "Tomorrow I want you to give cement mixing a go."
The next day the Chinese man goes into work and gives cement mixing a go. However, again the foreman hears nothing but complaints from his co-workers. Really quite pissed off, the foreman decides to put him in the supply office, thinking there's no way he he can mess that up.
The Chinese man goes to work the next day when the foreman takes him to one side and says, "We're still trying to find the best fit for you here. How about today you work in Supplies."
The whole day the foreman doesn't hear a blip about the Chinese man. At first his mood improves but then he starts to get curious and he decides to go check in on the Chinese man. As he's walking to the supply office, he rounds a corner and passes a pile of bricks when all of a sudden, the Chinese man jumps out of nowhere and yells "SUPPLIES!!!"
A Man Walks Into A Bar [NSFW]
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of the establishment's finest whiskey.
"Whoa, buddy," says the bartender. "You must be celebrating!"
"Yes I am! I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"
"In that case," responds the bartender "the fourth one is on me"
"No thanks. If the first three don't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think that the fourth one will either."
Monday, November 28, 2016
A Man And His Giraffe Walk Into A Bar...
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home. As he's leaving, the bartender walks up to the man and says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" The man turns to the bartender and replies, "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
How Does A Detective From Texas Knows If A Tractor Run Over A Dog Or A Black Guy?
Because you can find break marks with a dog
A Hot Day (nsfw Maybe?)
One hot summer day there was this fly sitting on a branch over a stream. In the stream there was a fish that thought if that fly moves down 6 inches I could jump out of the water and get the fly.
On shore there was a bear watching this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the water I could grab that fish for a nice meal today.
A few yards behind the beat there was a hunter having lunch watching all this who thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish I could shoot the bear for a nice trophy today.
Behind the hunter there was a mouse watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear he would have to put his sandwich down and I could grab it for a nice meal today.
Behind the mouse there was a cat watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich I could grab the mouse and have a nice meal today.
Well, just about that time it got too hot for the fly soooo the fly moved down 6 inches and the fish jumped out of the and the bear reached to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich and the cat pounced for the mouse. To make a long story short the cat missed, rolled into the river and drowned to death.
Moral of this story? When a fly moves down 6 inches a pussy is in danger.
If A Tree Falls In The Woods..
..and nobody is around to hear it, then I've found the perfect place for Justin Beiber
Count Dracula Walks Into A Bar...
and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.
Miss Prim, The Elderly Spinster, Is Giving An Introductory Talk At The Girl's College.
"Now, girls," she says, "whenever you go out, remember: no smoking in the streets, no bad conduct in public and when the men bother you, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace?
Now, girls, are there any questions?"
A voice from the back of the hall cries, "How do you make it last an hour?"
My Cat Tried To Rape Me And Stuff
kay, so the night before... Me and my cat Hamilton had a rap-o-thon.
My cat: "I ate yo 8 m8 g8 b8 in the h8 i s8 thuug b8 in sl8 pl8 w8 m8 d8 n8 bruh yo yo ugh"
Me: And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming And they don't stop coming (x149)
Turns out I caught Ham on fire with that rap attack. He was very ticked at me, especially since I gave him the "Meow" brand not the "Catnip" brand cereal.
So last night while I was cleaning the soap, when at that moment... I dropped it. I leaned to pick it up, and Ham fists my asshole with his claw. I do admit, I actually liked the feels of it, but I still am afraid he may rape me again.
Ever since then I will always remember.... Give him the "Catnip" brand.
If A Cop Sees A Black Guy Crossing The Street And A White Guy Robbing An Old Lady, Who Does He Shot First?
The thief because first duty then plesure
Banking
A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits.
After several months he has saved up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the Chinaman explains that he is about to get married and go on his honeymoon.
The manager is called and tries to persuade the man to just withdraw enough for his immediate requirements. He also explains that if he takes out all his money, he will lose the interest.
But the Chinaman will not be persuaded and so eventually he walks out with all his money.
A few weeks later, the bank manager meets the Chinaman on the street and asks him about his honeymoon and married life.
The Chinaman has only this to say: "No good. Honeymoon and married life are just like banking -- put in, take out, lose interest."
What Pets Think About Their Owners?
A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God.
A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.
A Man And A Boy Are Walking In The Woods
A man and a boy are walking in the woods. The little boy tells the man "I'm scared" and the man replies "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone"
Crazy Koala
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'. So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Faaaaaaaak dude....How much water did you drink??!'
What's A Cheetah's Favorite Food?
Fast Food!!! ... I'll see myself out.
Credit goes to Safari Animals Oatmeal by Quaker.
Ku Klux Klan Leader Gives An Interview
KKK leader: i stopped watching Fox News
reporter: why?
KKK leader: they lost all credibility !
reporter: could you be more specific?
KKK leader: well, Obama is obviously not white and i heard they constantly denigrate him !
A Joke About Life
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
Being Late To Come Home After Work Yet Again Husband Calls His Wife.
He says to her: Listen I am really sorry, I know I'm already late to come home. Do you remember that jewelry store we went to the other day?
The wife says: Yes!!
Husband: Well, I'm at the bar right across from it.
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
As he enters, he notices the smallest person he's ever seen sitting up on the bar playing a tiny piano. Not wanting to offend he ignore's him and asks the bartender for a drink. After an hour or so drowning his sorrows the man asks the bartender for the rest room.
The bartender says: "It's in the back, on the right but I must warn you, we have a resident genie living in there. Whatever you do, don't make a wish."
Musing to himself as soberly as possible, the man chalks up the strange comment to some in-house humour and makes his way to the washroom.
As he's bleeding his lizard he hears a loud POOF and sure enough a genie materialises behind him.
The genie says: "You have awoken me from my urinal slumber, you may request one wish"
Feeling good from the drink and being down on his luck the man wishes for a million bucks.
The genie replies: "And so a million ducks you shall have."
Ducks start appearing from thin air, filling the bathroom to the rafters, spilling into the bar and make a veritable duck tsunami that goes crashing into the streets.
After composing himself and fighting free of the ducks he makes his way back to the bartender and apologies for the mess he's made.
The bartender says: "Don't worry about it, these things happen all the time, damn genie has a serious hearing problem. You really think I wished for a one foot pianist."
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
A man walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me a beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender obliges, the man drinks them down and repeats, "Quick, give me another beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender obliges and the man repeats the phrase, "Hurry, one more round before it starts."
The bartender says, "Hold on there buddy, how are you gonna pay for all these drinks?"
The man says, "Shit, it just started."
Sunday, November 27, 2016
What Is The Difference Between An Amateur Archer And A Constipated Owl?
One shoots but can't hit...
The other hoots but can't shit.
A Man And His Wife Are At A Gas Station...
A man and his wife are on a road trip when the husband who is driving noticed that they are dangerously low on gas. They decide to pull in to the next gas station they see. When they get to the gas station, the husband gets out to pump the gas while his wife goes in to pay for the gas. As she walks away, the husband can't help but stare at her. She's often been describe as a "perfect 10/10" and he definitely agrees. His thoughts are abruptly interrupted by a tapping on his left shoulder. The man turns around to see a large biker who just pulled into the station with the rest of his gang, 19 other similarly large bikers. The biker who tapped his shoulder motions over to the man's wife inside and asks "is that your wife?" The man responds that she is and the biker says "Oh man, is she hot. I'd love to have my way with her." The man is immediately angered and responds "Hey, that's my wife, screw off." The biker raises an eyebrow and asks the man "are we gonna have a problem?" while motioning over to the 19 other bikers behind him. The man quickly shakes his head. The biker thinks for a moment and then tells the man "Here's what's going to happen. Me and my gang here are going to rape your wife right here in the parking lot". The biker them draws a line on the dusty concrete with his boot as he continues, "If you cross this line while we're raping her, we will not hesitate to kill you." The man looks at the biker in disbelief as he tries to think of what to do. His wife, now finished paying for the gas walks out of the store and is quickly greeted by the 20 bikers. They quickly grab her, violently strip her of her clothes, and have their way with her three at a time. They are extremely rough with this man's wife and they leave her naked and bruised laying in the dust. The gang leader who had drawn the line approaches the husband while still fastening his belt. He sees that the husband is doubled over laughing harder than anyone he's ever seen. He's laughing so hard that he can't even produce a noise and his eyes are watering. The biker is astounded and asks the man "We just gang raped your wife in front of you, what could you possibly be laughing about?" The husband is able to finally regain his composure and responds "While you weren't looking I crossed the line three times!"
There Once Was A Farmer
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck…" and the farmer shot him.
Day Off
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
An English Man Walks Into A Bar
Normally there would be an Irish man, a Scottish man, and a Welsh man there as well, but they were at the Rugby world cup
Three Girlfriends Get Lost While Driving Through The Desert.
Suddenly, the car runs out of gas and leaves them stranded in the middle the hot desert. They decide that they should split up and look for help. But before they go, they each take a part of the car with them to help them on their journey.
The brunette friend goes first. She takes the car battery and car horn. "I can use this to attract attention and be rescued!"
The redhead goes next. She takes the car hood. "I can use it to slide down the sand dunes faster and also to provide me shade for when I'm tired."
The blonde goes last. She takes the car door and starts heading out on her journey.
"Why on earth are you taking the car door?" her friends ask.
"Oh, simple. If I get too hot on my journey, I can roll down the windows."
English Lesson
The most interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, jail filling, baby-making, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass shitheads with you.
How weird is that?
What Does A Fruity Italian Man Say?
I repeat, what does a Fruity Italian man say? I repeat, what does a Fruity Italian man say? I repeat, what does a Fruity Italian man say? He says: "I can't 'a loop this joke any more!"
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Two Vomits
Two vomits are walking down the street one day when all of a sudden one of them starts crying. The other vomit turned and said 'are you ok'? to which the first vomit replied 'oh it's nothing really, I just get sentimental whenever I walk past this house because this is where I was brought up'.
A Teacher And A Student.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Petes' Attitude
Pete was out mowing his lawn on a windy day when suddenly a gust of wind blew his hat off his head and over the neighbours fence. He looked over the fence and saw a fierce looking German Sheppard chewing up his hat. So Pete goes and knocks on his neighbours door and explains to him what happened, only for his neighbour to say "oh well, it's not my problem, piss off". Not to happy about his neighbours response Pete said 'hey, I don't like your attitude' to which his neighbour replied 'it wasn't my hat it chewed it was yours'.
So, This 85 Year Old Prostitute Walks Into A Bar...
and says "Narnender, Narnender, give me a Nartini with a nerry on top". To which the bartender obliges.
About 10 mins later she burst out even louder, "Narnender, Narnender, give me another Nartini with a nerry on top"! He just gives her a look and does so without a word.
This time about 5 minutes later when her drink is done She blurts, "Narnender, Narnender, give me a Nartini without a nerry on top, its giving me Neartburn"! The bartender cant take it any more and replies," Listen lady, I am a bartender not a Narnender, the drink I've been giving you isn't a Nartini its a Martini, the little fruit I put on top isn't a nerry its a cherry, and you don't have Neartburn, that just your titty hanging in the ashtray.
A: My Bag Is Getting Heavier
B: Why?
A: Because I don't smoke...
B: How does it matter??
A: "It ain't got any lighter"
Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Ostracised When He Was Young.
After taking steroids, however, he was Austria sized.
A Grave Digger Was Digging An Open Grave When He Accidentally Fell In.
A grave digger was digging an open grave when he accidentally fell in. He tried climbing out for an hour before he finally gave up. Later, another man tripped and fell down the open grave. Without seeing the grave digger, he tried climbing out to no avail. The grave digger tapped the man's shoulders and said, "Give up. You can't get out of here".
And he did.
There's An Englishman At A Bar...
Usually there's a Irishman, Scotsman and Welshman too, but they're at the World Cup.
What Do You Call A Pregnant Nun Who Cycles To Church Everyday?
No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.
A Father Decided That It's Time To Teach His Daughters Some Sex Education.
A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.
When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.
He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.
He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.
"My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,
"You call that a penis?"
The Constitution Of Japan
Article 3. The advice and approval of the Cabinet shall be required for all acts of the Emperor in matters of state,and the Cabinet shall be responsible therefor.
How Is Ducktape Like The Force?
It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds everything the galaxy together.
Edit:Duct Tape I know, I was tired
Who's The Most Popular Guy On A Nude Beach?
The one who shows up with a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.
You've Broken Your Finger
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Drunk Guy Goes Home
Guy goes into a bar and proceeds to get extremely drunk. He gets so drunk that he ends up throwing up, all over his shirt.
He looks at the bartender and says, "Man, my wife is really going to lay into me when I get home. I'm drunk and I've thrown up all over my shirt. I'm going to be in big trouble."
The bartender says, "Hey look... here is what you do. Take a ten dollar bill. Put it in your shirt pocket. When she asks you about your shirt, tell her that some OTHER guy at the bar, threw up on you, and then gave you this ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned."
So the guy leaves the bar, goes home, opens the door and his wife starts immediately yelling at him.
"Look at you, your DRUNK! And you've thrown up all over your shirt!"
"Honey," the guy replies, " I'm fine. And I didn't throw up all over my shirt. Some OTHER guy at the bar did. He apologized and gave me this ten dollar bill to have my shirt cleaned."
"But that's a twenty dollar bill," his wife says.
"I know. He also shit in my pants."
What's The Difference Between White Socks And Red Socks?
(Students will most likely answer the color) Then you say, "yes, that's one difference but there's another: The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!
Friday, November 25, 2016
In An American School Bus The Kids Are Behaving Badly
The white and black kids start fighting.
The driver - a big white fellow - has enough of it, stops and clears out the bus and starts lecturing the kids:
- Listen here you little dick-wads! There is no difference between white, brown or yellow. You are all blue from now on! Now get back on the bus and behave yourselves! Sky blues sit in the front, navy blues in the back.
A Lot Of People Tend To Say Life Is Like A Rollercoaster.
It is! Specifically the Smiler in Alton Towers. You start out with nervous excitement and by the end of it you need new knees.
Mozart's Tomb.
One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb. When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper. The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?" Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!"
Sign Over The Urinal In Dad's Favorite Bar
We keep this restroom clean because we aim to please ... so, you aim too, please.
[NSFW] Pancake Day Shenanigans
A poor single mother has three children, Pancake Day comes around and she doesn't have the money to put a coin in each of her kids pancakes. She thinks her kids would be excited to find a BB in their pancakes and so grabs a couple from the basement and fries up a couple pancakes. The kids gobble them down, but nothing gets said about the BBs! She shrugs it off and figures they'll just pass them, no harm done.
That night she's awoken by her youngest daughter, "Mommy! Mommy! I went to pee and I peed out a BB!" The mother replies "Don't worry about it honey, just go on back to sleep"
A few hours later her middle daughter wakes her, "Mommy! Mommy! I had to use the washroom and I peed out a BB!" Again the mother tells the child not to worry and sends her back to bed.
Finally after another couple hours her oldest child a boy rushes in and wakes her. Getting a little aggravated at this point she cuts him off, "I know, I know, you peed out a BB, don't worry just got back to sleep." But he replies "No mom, I was jerking off and I shot the cat!"
Girl Wants A Barbie.
One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted. The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."
The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."
Which Joke Has The Maximum HOT Nuns In It?
You don't know none.. And here to learn one..
So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son..
Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you)
play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star.
(Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)
THis Happened Last Week !
Quoting an old joke
THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK ------ I took my friend to the mall to buy some new shirts. We decided to grab a bite at food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and purple. My friend kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my friend, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
What Is The MOST Important Part Of Your Body, Options:
Brain, heart, lungs or asshole?
Got to be asshole. Coz if that gets angry your brain stops to think and no one can save you from the shit inside.
The Purple Man Joke
So the purple man walks down the purple road and goes into a purple house. Inside the purple house there is a purple woman watching purple t.v. The purple man goes up the purple stairs and goes in the purple bedroom. The purple man picks up the purple pillow and finds a purple gun. The purple man goes down the purple stairs and goes out the purple door. The purple man walks down the purple road and into the purple bank. The purple man grabs the purple gun from his purple pocket and says to the purple teller, "gimme all your purple money!" And the purple teller give him the purple money. But it was counterfeit purple money, so when the purple teller gives the purple man the purple counterfeit money, the purple teller pushes the purple red button so the purple police show up. They push the purple man into the purple police car and they drive down the purple road and they end up at the purple jail. They take the purple man (now the purple inmate), and as they put the purple inmate in his purple jail cell they say this: "indigo".
Last Night My Neighbour Rang My Doorbell At 3 A.M
I was so surprised, that i nearly dropped my drilling machine
A Man Walks Into A Bar.......
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
What's Common To Both Adolf Hitler And Volkswagen?
Both of them can kill people with poisonous fumes
How Many Mottophobics Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place?
Two Men Camping....
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
What Did The Redditor Say When...
What did Redditor say when asked why he failed his PSAT test?
"TL;DR"
Swing Low Sweet...
Haven't been on here for a bit but haven't seen this one so thought I should post it.. (apologies in advance if you have heard before)
....
A teacher asked her class to write on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children got very excited and started scribbling their answers. One by one the teacher asks each child to stand and describe the job they have written down.
By now all the children where excitedly chatting away, apart from little Timmy. "what's wrong Timmy" asked the teacher.
Timmy slowly rose to his feet and stated "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar, Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mum cries herself to sleep".
The class had fallen to a hush as Timmy continued, "Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure".
There are gasps around the classroom and the teacher quickly dismisses the class for an early break time. She walks up to little Timmy and asks, "Is that all true, Timmy?".
"No not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England but I was too embarrassed to say"
Boy Who Liked Tractor
On his 2nd birthday his dad asked what would you like for your birthday .For 19 years he wanted a tractor but for his 21st birthday he wanted an ipod. One day a house was on fire while he was listening to music on his ipod. He breathed into the mailbox. The firemen asked "how did you do that?" He replied" l'm an X-tractor fan."
I'm Really Looking Forward To Halloween This Year. I'm Doing A SAW Themed Party For My Kids And Their Friends.
It begins with twelve children locked in the basement and I've hidden the Wi-Fi password inside the stomach of one of them.
I Decided To Dress As A Woman For A Day To Gain An Appreciation Of What It's Like To View The World Through The Eyes Of Women And Find Out How They Are Treated In Today's Society.
I found out that they get called "Freak" a lot.
[18+ Only PARENTAL ADVISORY :D]A Mother Had 3 Virgin Daughters.
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mum fainted !
Thursday, November 24, 2016
A Woman Asks Her Husband If She Can Have Breast Augmentation Surgery.
He brings her some toilet paper and tells her to wipe it between her tits. "That won't make them grow," she cried
"Well it worked for your ass didn't it?"
I Was Thinking Of Dressing Has Nan Form American Horror Story : Coven
But the thought of it brought me 'down'
Did You Hear That The Guys From "The Expendables" Are Doing A Movie About Classical Composers?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has already signed up, and said "I'll be Bach."
I Was Having Sex With My Girlfriend
and I was about to cum too fast and told her so. she moaned "Not yet! Not yet! Think about something else like baseball." "Not working" I moaned
"Then think about your grandmother!"
That would've worked well but I fucked up and thought about the hot one.
Husband Says To His Wife "do You Smell That" Wife Says "no?"
Husband says "me neither so start cooking"
A Blonde, A Brunette, And A Red Head Just Robbed A Bank.
They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in.
The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head's bag. "Woof woof !" Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it's just the farmer's dog.
The cops shake the brunette's bag. "Meow!" Says the brunette. So the cops move on.
The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells "potatoes!"
So, Three Men Die And End Up In Hell...
...where the Devil informs them that he will give all of them another chance at life, if they bring him back as much of their favorite fruit that they can carry in their arms. This seemed like an easy enough request, so the three men agreed. The Devil sends them back to Earth to pick their fruit.
The first man returns with his arms loaded down with cherries. The Devil tells him "Now, all you have to do is stuff every last cherry up your ass, and you can go back to living life." Not wanting to suffer eternal damnation, the man does it. Every last cherry. So he gets to go back to living.
The second man returns, and his arms are full of grapes. The Devil informs him that he'll have to cram every last one up his ass to get his second chance at life, and the guy starts laughing hysterically.
"What's so damn funny?" The Devil asks him.
"That other guy," the man says, trying to control his giggles, "He's up there picking watermelons!"
Do You Know Why The People In Ambulances Are Called Paramedics?
because there are two of them in the ambulance...it's a Pair O' Medics!!!
This Lady Went To ISIS To Convince Her Son Who Joined Them To Come Back Home
She will beheading home soon
A Man Is On Vacation And Gets A Call That His Mother-in-law Has Died.
They ask him if he wants to cremate or bury her. He responds, "shit You better not take any chances do both."
The Only Way For America To Not Fuck Up In The Next Election.
Vote for Bill Clinton.
Left the nation with national Surplus, and he got his dick sucked doing it.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Is Hell Exothermic (gives Off Heat) Or Endothermic (absorbs Heat)?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Anabella during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....
....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being which explains why, last night, Anabella kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
How Do You Make A Whore Moan?
Generally, for the steroid hormones, cholesterol is synthesized from Acetyl-CoA through a series of enzyme reactions and then undergoes a further series of modifications to make the hormone.
EDIT: Spelling
What Is The Best Definition Of Irony?
i·ro·ny ˈīrənē/ noun
a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
A Man Decided To Walk Through Crocodile Infested Waters With A Chicken In His Hand, To Settle A Dare.
He's dead now. No you're right, it's NOT funny...
2 Fish In A Tank
2 fish in a tank, one fish looks at the other and say's "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Einstein's Chauffeur.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making. “I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”
Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
I Work In The Meat Department And A Customer Asks Me What Is The Difference Between The Halal Chicken And The Regular Chicken.
I said "Regular chicken lays eggs. Halal chicken lays hand grenades."
A Woman Takes A Lover During The Day, While Her Husband Is At Work...
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Three Women Are In The Ladies Locker Room At The Country Club When A Naked Man Streaks Through With A Bag Over His Head. . .
The first woman says "Well, he's not MY husband!"
The second woman says "No, he's not".
The third woman says "Heck, he doesn't even belong to this club".
An Englishman Walks Into A Bar.
In these stories there is usually an Irishman, Welshman and a Scotsman, but they are still at the rugby.
How Many Bill Cosbys Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Just one but every time he does he causes a blackout.
Son, Do We Have Any Dop Ted?
son: what's a "dop Ted"?
dad: you are, you are adopted!!
son: ... Nice one dad.
dad: I'm not your dad.
(Dad joke at its finest, credit: Kris Wilson)
A Canadian Attended A Sanders Political Rally. He Blended In Completely With All The Americans Gathered. How Did Everyone Around Him Know That He Was Canadian?
He kept chanting Feel the Bern-eh, Feel the Bern-eh.
The Willing Farmer Girl
On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jimmy, a young handsome farmer boy in his twenties, goes to the village a few minutes walking from the farm to get a bunch of supplies. He goes to the hardware shop, the DIY and the pet shop, and ends up with a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chickens and a goose.
He's struggling outside the store to carry all his load, but eventually after some ordering and clumsy balancing he manages to get moving. After a minute, he encounters the amazing looking girl of the neighboring farm where he always had an eye on, but never really spoken to.
She sees him doing real balancing-tricks with his supplies, and amused she starts talking.
They start walking to their homes, chitchatting about everything. Jimmy is surprised that she really seems to like him.
Halfway on the road they arrive at an intersection. The girl wants to take the left, but Jimmy insists: "No, let's take my short cut and go down this alley. It's the shortest for both our farms, we'll be there in no time!"
But the girl looks him over cautiously then said, "Oh Jimmy, how could you! I am a lonely girl with no one around to defend me. How could I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
Jimmy replies: "Oh my god, miss! Remember I'm carrying a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The girl immediately replies "Put those eggs aside, turn the bucket upside down, put the goose inside it, put the big can of paint on top of the bucket so it won't get away, and I'll hold the chickens!"
3 Men Are Lined Up For The Firing Squad...
...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"
I Use Head&shoulders
Me: I use head&shoulders frequently
Friend: But you dont have dandroof?
Me: Exactly!
Man And Woman!
Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. Man – Can I buy you a drink? Woman – I think I’d rather have the money! Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday? Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend. Man – Is this seat empty? Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man – So what do you do for a living? Woman – I’m a female impersonator.
Your Brain Has Two Sides: Left And Right.
Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Deep In Siberia, Three Prisoners Huddle Around A Small Fire And Discuss Their Sentences.
"Every day, I arrived five minutes late to work," says the first. "Because I was careless, I was arrested for sabotage."
"Do not fool yourself," says the second. "Every day, I arrived five minutes early to work. I was arrested for spying."
The third stares quietly at the fire, rocking his head back and forth. "Every day I arrived precisely on time," he says. "My record was perfect. It was in this way I was discovered to own a Swiss watch."
I Went To Meet My Fianc's Family...
I had just become engaged to a wonderful young woman, and to mark the occasion, she wanted me to meet her entire family all at once. Now, I had spent time around her parents once or twice before, but this would be the first time that I'd ever encountered any of her siblings, and this was apparently a big deal in her family.
It was mid-afternoon when I pulled up to the house, and I spotted my fiancé coming out the front door.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" she told me. "I need to run to the store for some dinner supplies, though. Go make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back in about an hour."
Well, I went inside and walked to the living room... and there, sitting on the couch, was my fiancé's absolutely gorgeous eighteen-year-old sister. Her pert, youthful breasts were clearly visible through the material of her tank top... and below the waist, she was wearing nothing but a pair of pink panties.
"I knew you'd be coming," she said, "and I know this is probably a bad idea... but I've heard so much about you from my sister, including how amazing you are in bed. I've been saving my virginity for the right man, and since you're not married yet, I want it to be you. I'll be upstairs in my bedroom, completely naked. It's the first door on the left."
With that, she stood up and slowly walked away. I watched the way that her hips swayed, the subtle bounce of each buttock as she moved... and I confess, I stood there thinking for a brief moment. Then, after taking a deep breath, I quickly left the house.
As soon as I walked outside, I was greeted by a huge explosion of applause. Dozens of men and women were surrounding the door, each of them with smiles on their faces. My fiancé came rushing up to me from within the crowd and threw her arms around me.
"I knew you'd be loyal!" she laughed. "I'm sorry to put you through that, but I knew you'd stay true to me... and now my entire family knows, too!"
Aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives all came up to me, offering their congratulations and welcoming me to the family. If I'm honest, I felt a little bit hurt by the whole affair, and thoroughly out of my element. Still, I learned something that day, too, and it's a moral that I've carried with me ever since:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A Wish For A Larger Phallus
A man walks into a public bathroom and approaches one of the urinals. As he's unzipping a dwarf walks up to the adjacent urinal and does the same. The man hears a mighty stream coming from the dwarf and slyly takes a peak to see what the little man is packing.
To his surprise the dwarf's penis was gigantic, at least 12" long with a substantial girth. The man is flabbergasted, but he finishes his pee in silence, zips up, and goes to wash his hands. The dwarf finishes around the same time and goes to wash his hands as well.
After a few seconds the man can't stop himself and breaks the silence.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help noticing you've got such a large penis. How could a man with your small stature have such a big dick!?"
The dwarf smiles, "You noticed that, eh? Well it's simple lad, I'm a leprechaun, I just wished it upon myself. I could do the same for you, if you'd like, but it'll cost you."
The man thinks shortly about how much his life could change if he had a bigger penis, and liking the image he painted in his head he asks "well how much?"
"Oh, I don't want money. If you want a dick like this you'll have to get on all fours and let me have my way with you."
The man is taken aback, but he starts to weigh the options in his head. 'I really don't want to get violated by a leprechaun, but I DO want a bigger dick...' He agrees to the terms and assumes the position.
The leprechaun mounts him from behind and starts pumping steadily. "By the way lad, how old are ya?"
"32, why?"
"32 years old and you still believe in leprechauns!?"
How Many Americans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire.
My Boss Said I Needed To Hustle More At Work...
So I slapped him and yelled "WHERE'S MY MONEY, BITCH!?"
I Never Voted For Obama, But I Wouldnt Denigrate Anyone Who Voted For Him.
If you voted for Obama, please take note: “to denigrate” means to put down.
So A Baby Seal Walks Into A Bar...
The bartender asks "what can I get you?". The baby seal replies " anything but a Canadian club on the rocks".
Student In My School Is Named Elvis Once-Once
I asked another teacher if it would be ok to call him Once Twice! (absolutely true, I swear)
Man At Airport
A man walked into an airport with two bags:
He says to the check in attendant..."I want this one to go to New York, and this one to go to South Dakota."
"Sir, you can't do that." The attendant said.
The man says, "Why not? It happened the last time."
What's The Difference Between A Mexican And A Notebook?
A notebook has papers.
-I'll see myself out now
Notes From The Chicago Welfare Office....
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW." the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yep, they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well."' says the social worker, "Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys is all named Leroy and the girls is all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"
Their momma replies, "Well yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I jist yells 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin'. An' if I needs to stop the kid who's playin' in the street, I just yells Leroy' and all of dem stops. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' dem all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I calls them by they last names."
Monday, November 21, 2016
A Computer Science Student Is Studying Under A Tree And Another Pulls Up On A Flashy New Bike. The First Student Asks, Whered You Get That?'...
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”'
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Driving Too Fast
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn't. Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn't speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Height Of Complement - Lol
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Jewish Joke...
How many Jews fit in a Mini Cooper?
2 in the front 3 in the back And hundreds in the ashtray
A Man In Arizona Buys A [Tempescope Cube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ddMyIsxZ-g).
He returned it a week later because all it did was blow sand and tumbleweeds around.
I Lost My Job At The Calendar Factory.
My boss said it was unacceptable that I'd taken a few days off.
I Dated A Girl Until She Showed Me Her
I dated a girl until she showed me her right foot. She lost 3 toes in an accident as a child, so i had to gtfo. What else could i do? I'm lactose intolerant.
P.S. Source.
A Man Is Walking Around A Used Car Lot ...
... a salesman, eager to make a sale, approaches the man and asks "Hey guy, you thinking about buying a car?" The man slowly smiles and says "Nope, I was thinking about sex, but I might buy a car"
Iguana And Koala Bear Were Smoking A Joint In A Tree..
... Iguana tells Koala bear "Hey man, I'm going to go down to the river and get a drink of water". When Iguana gets to the river he runs into Crocodile and says "Hey Crocodile, what's up man? Me and Koala bear are smoking up in the tree if you wanna smoke with us". So Crocodile heads up to the tree to smoke with Koala as Iguana drinks some more water. When Crocodile gets to the base of the tree Koala, who's pretty lit by now, looks down at Crocodile and says "Holy shit Iguana, how much fucking water did you drink?!"
Computer Password.
A company was doing a password review and one young lady chose DonaldDaisyHueyDeweyLouieMickieMinniePlutoSacramento.
When she was asked why she chose that password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! You said it had to have eight characters and a capital!"
Jesus Might Be A Telemarketer.
The other day I got a phone call from a telemarketer. The guy was trying to sell me frankincense. I really didn't want it though, so I told him I didn't want to buy any. He probably suspected I was going to hang up, so he quickly said, "But wait, there's myrrh!"
Bobo The Clown Just Retired (disturbing)
He has just entertained his last group of children after a long career. Having grown weary of being a clown, he was thrilled to be taking off his clown makeup for the very last time. Then there was a knock on the door and a boys voice saying "Bobo, Bobo show me another trick!" "the show's over, kid." the boy persisted, "please, Bobo, please! show me another trick!" The boy never stopped nagging and finally Bobo flung the door open. "Ok, kid, you want a trick? turn around."
"Ok, Bobo."
"Now drop your pants."
"uh, okay Bobo."
"now I'm gonna put my thumb up your butt, ok kid?"
"um, uh, okay, Bobo"
"do you feel that?", Bobo asked
"yes"
then holding his arms straight out in front of the boy with each hand giving thumbs up, Bobo says: "Ta Da!"
It's Unlucky To Glance Over Your Shoulder While Wearing A Sweater Made Of Rabbit Wool...
Don't look back in angora.
If You Want To Sleep With My Daughter...
One halloween night, Paul, Mark and Jake were on a road trip and stopped in an old farm to sleep in the barn.
A witch appeared in the barn.
She said to the guys ''If you don't want me to kill you, you will have to bring me some fruits from the woods.''
The guys were confused but agreed to go pick up the fruits.
They each went their on way. Paul came back first with a blueberry.
The witch said ''Take the blueberry and put it up your ass if you want to live.''
Paul did it.
The next one to comeback was Jake with a strawberry.
She said the same thing and he did it.
Jake and Paul started laughing like crazy.
''Why are you laughing?!'' She said.
They both said while laughing ''Look! Mark is coming back with a pumpkin!''
Why Is Ahmed Mohammed Not Allowed On Reddit?
His inbox would probably blow up.
Edit: I don't really care if he didn't make his clock from scratch, the real issue at the time was racial/ethnic discrimination. Anyways, its a joke, laugh.
Two Guys In The Wood...
Two guys went camping in the wood.
As they started getting deeper in the woods they encountered a tribe folk with a sharp knife.
''Stop right there!'' he said.
They both stopped moving, they were scared as hell.
''I will kill you both, take your skin off and make a boat out of it but first you will each be granted one wish.''
The first man wished for a chance to see his family and his wish was granted. He was then killed.
The second man wished for a fork. A fork appeared in his hands.
''Why did you wish for a fork?'' said the tribe folk.
The man then repeatedly stabbed himself with the fork screaming ''TRY MAKING A BOAT OUT OF ME NOW BITCH!''.
Did You Hear About The Insomniac Car-enthusiast Conspiracy Theorist?
He stayed up all night debating whether Porsche did 911.
An Englishman Walks Into A Bar...
There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
How Many Redditors Commenting On A Given Post Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
Not possible. Their hands are too slippery with each other's ejaculate.
They Say As You Get Older, There Are Three Parts Of Your Memory That Begin To Fade Early...
One is you can't remember names, another is that you can't remember faces, and ... um ... I ... don't remember what the last one is.
Hispanic Joke
Three kids are in school...
A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good." Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."
Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"
Honey, What Is The Name Of That German That Hides Things Around The House?
Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!
The Most Unrealistic Part Of The Martian Movie Was...
CNN's coverage did not involve speculation about whether Joe Biden would also get stuck on Mars
A Balding, White Haired Man Walked Into A Jewelry Store
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
A Woman Was Shopping At Her Local Supermarket
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."
[NSFW] A Guy To A Girl - Hey, Want To Stick Our Fingers In Each Other's Belly-botton ?
Girl - Sure, how do W... OH, thats not my belly button. Guy - That's not my finger!
Good Dancer:D :D Hahah
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
The Silent Curious Man Is At Work
Instagram/@comedy_mam - A man is driving down d road 🚗& breaks down near a monastery⛪. He goes to d monastery, knocks on d door, & says, My car broke down. Do u think I could stay d night? D monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗. As d man tries to fall asleep💤, he hears a strange sound💬. D next morning, he asks the monks what d sound was, but they say,
We can't tell u. U're not a monk. D man is disappointed😞 but thanks them anyway & goes about his merry way🚗. Some years later, d same man breaks down in front of d same monastery⛪. D monks again accept him, feed him🍚🍲, even fix his car🔧🚗. That night, he hears d same strange noise 💬that he had heard years earlier. D next morning🌞, he asks what it is, but d monks reply, We can't tell you😶. U're not a monk. D man says, Alright, Sunlight. I'm dying to know😖. If d only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? D monks replied, travel d earth & tell us how many blades of grass 🌾there are & d exact number of sand pebbles🔎 When u find these numbers, U will become a monk. D man sets on his task. Some 4/5 years later, he returns & knocks on d door of d monastery⛪. He says,
I have traveled d earth🌍and have found what u have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass🌾 and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on earth🌏. D monks reply, Congratulations. U are now a monk😇. We shall now show u d way to d sound📡. D monks lead d man to a wooden door🚪 where the head monk says, D sound is right behind that door. D man reaches for d knob, but d door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have d key🔑? D monks give him the key🔑, and he opens the door. Behind d wooden door is another door made of stone🚪. D man demands the key to the stone door. D monks give him the key🔑, and he opens through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, & amethyst. Finally, d monks say, This is the last key🔑 to the last door. The man is relieved to know end🏁. He unlocks the door🔓, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed 😳to find the source of that strange sound📡 But he can't tell you what it is because u're not a monk. 😂😂😂😂😂 Don't be angry..
A Woman Goes To The Doctor
Who tells her I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?
She says, 'bad news.'
Well the doctor says, the bad news is you have breast cancer and we have to remove your left breast.
That's terrible news, she replies. Whats the good news?
The good news is you can wear a red bra whenever you want.
Why is that good news? She asked
Because... 'Red solo cup. I lift you up.'
How Many Hippies Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Trick question: Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
The Perfect Son :D:D
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday
Did You Know Canada Was Initially Spelled Cnd?
But when they pronounced it, the word came out "C-eh" "N-eh" "D-eh"
A Student Challenges His English Teacher
Student: I bet you can't tell the meaning of a phrase
Teacher: I take the challenge, what is it?
Student: Could you tell me the meaning of "I don't know"
Teacher: :-O
*tis my first ever post on reddit
Have You Heard The Eric Garner Joke?
It's so funny I can't breathe
Edit: Woah gold, thank you kind stranger :D
Saturday, November 19, 2016
What Is Lil' John's Favorite Exercise?
Squats, squats, squats squats, squats squats, squats, squats, squats squats. Everybody!
Government Workers...
An old man sits on a bench relaxing and notices two government workers in the distance. He sees the first guy digging a hole and a few minutes later, the second starts covering the hole. Finding this quite peculiar he continues watching them digging and covering until they reach him. Curious he asks: "What are you guys doing?" One of them replies: "See, we are normally a team of three, but the guy who plants the trees didn't show up today."
The Drunk Ventriloquist
A Ventriloquist had given up on life and become a drunk vagabond, hopping trains and moving from town to town. One day he got off in a small town and on his way to the nearest bar he spotted a small dog in an alleyway. He thought, "Ah, perfect!", scooped the dog up and proceeded to the bar. Once inside he sat on a stool and put the dog down on the stool next to him. When the bartender turned to him the drunk ordered a beer and before the bartender could protest the presence of the dog he threw his voice and made the dog say, "I'll have one too!" Perplexed, the bartender poured two beers and set them in front of the drunk and the dog. The drunk drank his beer and when the bartender turned away, he quickly downed the dog's beer too. When the bartender came back to them the drunk ordered another beer and threw his voice again, so the dog ordered one as well. This time, the bartender unable to contain his curiosity and bewilderment, rubbed his head and asked, "Am I out of it, or is that dog talking?" The drunk ventriloquist smiled and said, "Yeah, he's been talkin' ever since he was a pup!" The bartender's eyes widened and he calmly asked the drunk, "Would you ever consider selling that dog?" The drunk frowned and looked at the dog. After a couple of seconds he replied, "Well, he means a lot to me and normally I would never consider it, but as you can see, I'm down on my luck and it may be the best for the dog, but I have to say that I couldn't take less than a thousand dollars." The bartender looked in the register and answered, "All I have is $500 now, could I owe you the rest?" The drunk frowned again, but replied, "I guess I don't have much of a choice. Ok, it's a deal!" The drunk finished his beer and left the bar $500 richer.
A month or so later, the drunk happens upon the same town and wanders into the same bar in a drunken stupor. He had forgotten all about the previous encounter, but the same bartender was there and recognized him instantly! The bartender walked swiftly over to the drunk and in an angry voice said, "You son of a bitch! You sold me that dog and he hasn't said a word since!!" The drunk ventriloquist all of the sudden remembered the situation and was quick to reply, "Really?! That's strange. Where is he? Do you still have him?" The bartender sighed deeply and said, "Yeah, I've got him tied up out back..." The drunk insisted on seeing the dog. Once out back, the drunk leaned down and rubbed the dog on the head and scratched behind his ears and said, "Hey! I told you that you had to talk for this guy just like you talked for me. What's wrong?!?" He threw his voice again and the dog replied, "I ain't sayin' nothin' till he gives you that other $500!!"
Everyone Says The VP Needs To Get In The Presidential Race Now Or Never
But I think he's just Biden his time.
Caught Out In The Wilderness Without Any Toilet Paper?
Just take a leaf out of Bear Gryll's book...
Edit: Spelling
I Was Getting A Prostate Exam The Other Day...
The strange thing is, during the exam the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders.
The Wife Who Wants Him Home By Five, Of Course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
You Looked A Lot Like My Wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her.
The World's Best Ethnic Joke - To The Max
An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Afghan, Åland Island, Albanian, Algerian, American Samoan, Andorran, Angolan, Anguillan, Antiguan or Barbudan, Argentinian, Armenian, Aruban, Australian, Austrian, Azerbaijani, Bahamian, Bahraini, Bangladeshi, Barbadian, Belarusian, Belgian, Belizean, Beninois, Bermudan, Bhutanese, Bolivian, Bonaire, Bosnia and Herzegovinian, Botswanan, Bouvet Island, Brazilian, Bruneian, Bulgarian, Burkinabé, Burmese, Burundian, Cabo Verdean, Cambodian, Cameroonian, Canadian, Cabo Verdean, Caymanian, Central African, Chadian, Chilean, Chinese, Christmas Island, Cocos Island, Colombian, Comoran, Congolese, Cook Island, Costa Rican, Ivorian, Croatian, Cuban, Curaçaoan, Cypriot, Czech, Danish, Djiboutian, Dominican, Timorese, Ecuadorian, Egyptian, Salvadoran, Equatorial Guinean, Eritrean, Estonian, Ethiopian, Falkland Island, Faroese, Fijian, Finnish, French, French Guianese, French Polynesian, French Southern Territories, Gabonese, Gambian, Georgian, German, Ghanaian, Gibraltar, Greek, Greenlandic, Grenadian, Guadeloupe, Guamanian, Guatemalan, Channel Island, Guinean, Bissau-Guinean, Guyanese, Haitian, Heard Island, Honduran, Hong Kong, Hungarian, Icelandic, Indian, Indonesian, Iranian, Iraqi, Manx, Israeli, Italian, Ivorian, Jamaican, Jan Mayen, Japanese, Channel Island, Jordanian, Kazakhstani, Kenyan, Kiribati, North Korean, South Korean, Kosovan, Kuwaiti, Kyrgyz, Laotian, Latvian, Lebanese, Basotho, Liberian, Libyan, Liechtenstein, Lithuanian, Luxembourg, Macanese, Macedonian, Malagasy, Malawian, Malaysian, Maldivian, Malian, Maltese, Marshallese, Martiniquais, Mauritanian, Mauritian, Mahoran, Mexican, Micronesian, Moldovan, Monégasque, Mongolian, Montenegrin, Montserratian, Moroccan, Mozambican, Burmese, Namibian, Nauruan, Nepali, Dutch, New Caledonian, New Zealand, Nicaraguan, Nigerien, Nigerian, Niuean, Norfolk Island, Northern Irish, Northern Marianan, Norwegian, Omani, Pakistani, Palauan, Palestinian, Panamanian, Papuan, Paraguayan, Peruvian, Filipino, Pitcairn Island, Polish, Portuguese, Puerto Rican, Qatari, Réunionnais, Romanian, Russian, Rwandan, Saba, Barthélemois, Saint Helenian, Kittitian or Nevisian, Saint Lucian, Saint-Martinoise, Saint-Pierre and Miquelonnais, Saint Vincentian, Samoan, Sammarinese, São Toméan, Saudi, Senegalese, Serbian, Seychellois, Sierra Leonean, Singaporean, Saint Eustatius, Saint Maarten, Slovak, Slovenian, Solomon Island, Somali, Somalian, South African, South Georgia and South Sandwich Islands, South Ossetian, South Sudanese, Spanish, Sri Lankan, Sudanese, Surinamese, Svalbard, Swazi, Swedish, Swiss, Syrian, Taiwanese, Tajikistani, Tanzanian, Timorese, Togolese, Tokelauan, Tongan, Trinidad and Tobagonian, Tunisian, Turkish, Turkmen, Turks and Caicos Island, Tuvaluan, Ugandan, Ukrainian, Emirati, American, Uruguayan, Uzbek, Vanuatuan, Vatican, Venezuelan, Vietnamese, British Virgin Island, U.S. Virgin Island, Welsh, Wallis and Futuna, Sahrawi, Yemeni, Zambian and Zimbabwean walk into a posh restaurant.
The maitre d’ takes one look at them and shakes his head.
“Sorry chaps. You can’t come in without a Thai.”
What's The Difference Between Ten Black Dicks And A Black Joke? (offensive)
A black woman can't take a black joke.
We Were At A Local Restaurant Waiting For A Server, She Finally Came Over And Says "sorry For The Wait"....
I say you look perfectly skinny to me!
What Do You Call A Female Mathematician's Approach To Looking For Her Sexual Sweet Spot?
Finding the right cliterative solution.
Whats The Diffrence Between A Fridge And A Child
The fridge Doesnt Care If You Stick You're Meat In It
95% Of People Masturbate While Showering, The Rest Sings One Specific Song, Which One?... No Idea?
Then I know what group you belong to ;)
Friday, November 18, 2016
Why I Got A Detention?? Feeling Confused :/
Me: Mum i got a detention today Mum: Why! Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot". Mum: Yeah so Me: I asked what end.
Ambulance In Welsh
i was in wales once and i saw a accident, i ran to him and said ' are you ok?' he then replaid 'atikhrtvyjj yugkn lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll'
(apparently that 'get the ambulance' in welsh)
DENTIST
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' ''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
I Saw A Homeless Man Sleeping And I Thought To Myself, "What If You Get Mugged?"
So just to be safe, I took his guitar.
Putin, Angela Merkel And Obama Stand Ona A Dock...
Obama says "The USA built a submarine that can dive for 1 week without needing to refuel." Putin responds "Our nuclear submarines can dive for a whole month!" Suddenly a old submarine comes out of the water. The hatch opens, a Wehrmacht -soldier comes out and says "Heil Hitler we need fuel"
A Radio Show Holds A Competition...
Radio Host: Good morning listeners. It's that time of the day again for our competition. As a reminder of the rules we're gonna call a person and ask them a 3 personal questions. We're then gonna call their partner/spouse and ask them the same 3 questions. If their answers match they will win today's prize.
* ring... ring *
Callee: Hello? This is John. Radio Host: Good morning John. This is DJ Chad calling from Radio Wonderful. Are you ready to play with us today and answer our 3 questions?
John: Sure, go ahead.
Radio Host: Right. Question 1. When was the last time you had sex?
John: This morning.
Radio Host: Great. With who?
John: My wife Mary.
Radio Host: Perfect. Last question. Where did you do it?
John: On the kitchen table.
Radio Host: Awesome. Let's go ahead and call Mary.
* ring, ring *...
Mary: Hello? This is Mary.
Radio Host: Good morning Mary. This is DJ Chad calling from Radio Wonderful. We have John with us on the other line. Are you ready to play with us today and answer our 3 questions?
Mary: OMG, sure go ahead.
Radio Host: Right Mary, here goes. When was the last time you had sex?
Mary: OMG, how embarrassing. My mother listens to this show.
John: Go ahead dear, I already told them the answer. Just answer truthfully. I already told them.
Mary: Oh ok then. This morning before work.
Radio Host: Great, first answer is correct. Now for question number 2. Who did you have sex with?
Mary: giggle. Why with John of course.
Radio Host: Perfect! 2 out of 2 correct! Now for the third and final question for a chance to win today's prize. Are you ready?
Mary: I guess so.
Radio Host: Right. For the third and final question today Mary, where did you do it?
Mary: OMG, my mother's gonna hear this.
John: Go ahead honey. Just say it. I already told them.
Mary: OMG. Ok then. In the ass!
A Mother Found Her Teenage Son's Playboy Magazine...
She spoke with her husband and told him he needs to speak with the son about the birds and the bees. The dad busted open the kids door and says, "son if you don't stop playing with yourself you are going to go blind."
The boy responds, "I'm over here dad."
A Muslim, A Jew, A Christian And An Atheist Walk Into A Coffee Shop...
and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. thats what happens when you're not an asshole.
A Man With A Long, Proud Family History Of Military Service....
...returns home after his basic training. His father, a Master Sergeant, who is very keen to maintain the family tradition of excellence asks how he went. "It was okay Dad, Sir. Hard work, but scary..." "Scary?! This family has a long tradition of military service, we don't get scared. What was the scariest part son?" "The skydiving, I got too scared to jump out of the plane." "What happened." "The jump master said that if I didn't go out of the plane he'd fuck me in the ass." "Well, did you jump son?" "A little bit at first..."
A Pair Of Identical Twins...
... on opposite banks of a river. One says "I wish I was on that side of the river." The other replies "You are."
What's The Difference Between A Priest And Pimples?
Pimples don't come on your face until you're at least 13.
The Power Of Woman
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
A Husband And Wife Are Trying To Set Up
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Thursday, November 17, 2016
So The Mayor Of London Boris Johnson Has Knocked A 10 Year Old Boy To The Ground...
Then again... wouldn't be the first time a British MPs tackle has hurt an under aged child would it?
Why Pyongyang The Capital Of North Korea?
It is the same noise the elastic bands that launch their nuclear missiles make
My Ex Was Orphan As A Child
I should have taken that as the first sign. If her parents didn't want her, why would I.
My Grandpa Told Me This Joke When I Was 6
A rabbit and a buzzard, after earning some extra cash, decide that they are going to start a farm growing wheat.
Rabbit tells the Buzzard he should begin to plow the soil, while Rabbit goes into town to pick up some manure.
While Rabbit is away, the Buzzard strikes oil digging in the field and becomes filthy rich.
The Rabbit returns a few days later to find that the modest farmhouse he left has been replaced with a gigantic mansion.
The Rabbit rings the doorbell and is greeted by a humble butler.
"do you know where my friend Buzzard is?" Rabbit asks him.
"o... well Mr Bu-Zard is out in the yard" the butler replies.
"well then will you please tell Mr Bu-Zard out in the yard, that Mr Ra-Bit, is here with the shit!"
Two Devout Christians Are Stuck Outside Their Home During A Flood...
The water is up to their knees, and the fire brigade in a boat come along, saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they start praying.
The water is now up to their waist, and the coastguard in a boat come along, saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they continue praying.
The water is now up to their neck, and they are about to drown, and the a helicopter comes along, with a rescuer saying
"Come with us, we'll save you!"
The couple say,
"No thank you, God will save us.", and they continue praying.
Eventually, they drown, and they go to heaven. In heaven, they meet God, and they ask him,
"Why didn't you save us God?"
God replies,
"What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter! It's your own fucking fault you didn't listen!"