But he had to drop out of the course because all the pictures in the book were g r a p h ic
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Saturday, December 31, 2016
A Scientist Managed To Clone Himself
, but the clone had one major flaw - it couldn't stop swearing and behaving in a disgusting manner.
The scientist knew that although he had made one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in history, there was no way he could present such an embarrassing example to the world's press, so he decided to kill the clone and make a less offensive replica of himself.
The scientist took the clone to the top of a high cliff with the intention of pushing him over the edge.
"Where are you f-ing taking me, you silly old ct?" asked the clone as they walked along the cliff edge. "Just for a nice bit of fresh air" said the scientist, unconvincingly. "You're going to f-ing push me over the ***** cliff aren't you, you f-wit!" screamed the clone as he tried to run away. Unfortunately for the clone, this proved somewhat difficult as he had his trousers around his ankles and was quickly caught by the scientist and tripped up.
Quick as a flash, the scientist rolled him off the edge of the cliff and watched him fall to his death.
Several weeks went by and the scientist was wracked with guilt and decided to go to the police. Based on the fact that the clone was not officially alive, he was sure he would get away with it.
In the police station he told his story, confident that he could not be charged with anything. After much deliberation the chief inspector decided to arrest the scientist. The scientist was shocked and asked on what charge was his arrest based on.
"Well sir, I am arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."
Old People Poke Me At Weddings And Tell Me "you're Next"
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Latvian Multiplication (in Reference To Recent Serious Post About Russian Multiplication)
Here is how do Latvian multiplication. We not yet have American multiplication system, and we hate fucking Russian system, so we do proud Latvian multiplication system in Latvia.
LATVIAN MULTIPLICATION
To the example, Ludvigs, Mihails and Pavils argue how many potatoes have. Mihails want have 50 potato, but not sure how many potato have. Pavils math and Ludvigs drink.
50 potato x 0 potato (This is original problem need do for math. Now see math below.)
25 potato x 0 potato
12 potato x 0 potato
6 potato x 0 potato
3 potato x 0 potato
1 potato x 0 potato
Now sum right side column:
0+0+0+0+0+0=0 potato
So Mihails have zero potato, hungry and Latvia cannot afford American math system, but have independent country and proud mathematical system that superior to Russian Communist math.
Full thread and related comment about Russian multiplication that got deleted. For those wondering, this is Russian multiplication.
What Do A Gynecologist And A Pizza Delivery Boy Have In Common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it!
I Started A Website For Female Drivers...
I started a website for female drivers... but the damn thing kept crashing =D.
Have You Heard About The Large Number Of Slow Motion Scenes Featured In Frozen 2?
It's what Walt would've always wanted, Frozen in suspended animation.
Police Ride Along
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along. As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."
The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Little Johnny Was Feeling Sorry
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" Nobody stands up Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Wife: "How Would You Describe Me?"
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Why Can't Zeno Seem To Pay His Bar Tab In Full?
Answer: Because he kept giving half of what he owes.
A Young Boy Has To Walk Past A Whorehouse On This Way To School Every Day.
Every day there is a older woman sitting by an open window of the brothel. And every day she goes (Make a fist, rest your chin on your thumb, and wiggle your pinky) and says "hi little boy". Ignoring her the boy makes his way to school. One day towards the end of the school year the boy gets fed up with the prostitute, throwing his book bag to the sidewalk he says to her "Why do you always say hi to me and what the fuck does this mean?" (Make a fist, rest your chin on your thumb, and wiggle your pinky). She says "Well i say hi to you because i like you, and this (Make a fist, rest your chin on your thumb, and wiggle your pinky) is the size of your little penis". The boy frustrated says "yeah well when i come past i don't go (hook your pinkies into your cheeks and pull) HEY LADY".
Friday, December 30, 2016
SeX
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A Horse Walks Into A Bar...
...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," POOF the horse disappears. This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put Descartes before the horse.
What Do You Get When You Put 50 Lawyers In A Room With 50 Lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.
What Is The Difference Between A Robot And A Sandwich?
Everything. These two objects have nothing in common.
It Was A Sad Day When I Discovered
my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The Wife Falls On The Ground Laughing Because...
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Wrong Number
Naughty Kid: "Hello!Do you have a refrigerator?" Man: Yes, I have. Who're you?" Kid: "Is it running?" Man: "Yes." Kid: "Get hold of it...... Otherwise it might run away." The man slams down the phone. ! ! ! After a few minuts the phone bell rings again. Naughty Kid: "Hello! Do you have a refrigerator?" Man (Angrily): "No, I don't have." Kid: "Didn't I tell you to hold it?"
Do You Know Why The Guy Who Picks Up Medical Waste From The Vet Drives A Car Shaped Like A Dog Bone?
He likes to drive the dog's nuts.
Golf Balls....
A man got on a bus, his driver in hand and pants pockets stuffed with golf balls, headed to the driving range. A blonde lady sitting across from him saw the bulges and started to stare at his crotch with big eyes. The man noticed, and in an embarrassed voice said to her, “It’s just golf balls, Ma'am.” The blonde continued to stare and finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Couple Trolling
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says "I love you". The husband says "Is that you or the wine talking?". The wife replies "It's me, talking to the wine"...
Example Of Coincidence
Teacher: “Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?” Johnny: “Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.”
Software Engineer Husband
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.
They Say Shoe Size Correlates With Penis Size...
...which makes getting raped by a clown that much more terrifying.
My Mum Keeps Asking If I Have A Girlfriend...
Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us
A Man Boarded A Plane And Took His Seat
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
No One Is More Excited For Today Than Michael J. Fox...
He's been shaking with anticipation for the last 25 years.
What Are Those Hats Called?
So a guy goes up to a Rabbi and says,
"Excuse me Rabbi, but this has been bothering me all day. What are those little hats that Jewish men wear called?"
"Yarmulka", says the Rabbi.
"God bless you," says the guy, "but seriously tell me about the hats or this is gonna buy the he'll out of me!"
A Guy Was So Bored He Broke A Watch With His Bare Hands.
Then he said "i've got too much time on my hands"
Thursday, December 29, 2016
My Dad Doesn't See Why He Should Pay A Mechanic To Rotate His Tires.
He says they're rotating the entire time he's driving!
A Husband And Wife Are Trying To Set Up A New Password For Their Computer.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
You're Immature
My girlfriend said that I'm too immature I said if I'm immature than why have i got an arsfor She said wats an arsefor I said shitting and giggled for 20 mins
I Met A Ballerina In Warsaw Last Week, I Thought She Was Super Classy
turns out she's just a Pole dancer
There's A Hell Of A Lot Of Gang Rape Jokes About Just Now.
Who'd be fucking crazy enough to try and rape a gang in the first place?
If You Love Military Joke Then Read This One And Please Dont Laugh Lol......!
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
During One Of Our Lessons, I Asked The Children What Their Fathers Did For A Living.
"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon. "Very good, Simon. Anyone else?" "My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy. "Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked. "No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."
2 Terrorists Sit Down Next To Each Other On A Plane.
One turns to the other and says "You have the suicide jacket on, correct?"
The other pats his chest, but a look of horror washes up on his face.
"Mahmood! I don't have the jacket! Your detonator is useless!"
"Calm down Abdul. Have this."
He hands him 6 can of beans.
"Mahmood, what trickery is this?"
"Eat all the cans and wait 30 minutes. Go to the lavatory."
"Why? How will that further Allah's will?"
"Abdul, if you can't bomb the plane, you can at least bomb the bathroom."
My Parents Were Really Confused When I Was A Kid...
They would always put me to bed when I was wide awake and wake me up when I was sleeping.
I Think The Professor Wants Us To Skip Most Of This Essay
Or maybe I'm just jumping to a conclusion.
Medical Jokes - Anaesthetist
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.
'What did he say?' asks the nurse.
'OOPS!'
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Right And Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
I Just Bough T A New Pair Of Sunglasses...
So anytime I make a bad pun, I'm gonna put them on and
puts on sunglasses
Look cool.
Rubbing Equal ?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
I Used To Be Obsessed With The Hokey Pokey. It Was Ruining Everything.
But then I turned my life around. Because that's what it's all about.
A Boy To His Mother: Do You Know How Much Suffering The Poor Beast Had To Endure For You To Get This Fur Coat?
My boy, you mustn't talk so disrespectfully about your father.
I Accidentally Swallowed Some Scrabble Tiles This Morning.
Forgive me if I'm a bit grumpy today. I'm afraid my poop may spell disaster.
Thinking
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
How Do You Call A Lesbian's Pussy?
The no man's land.
(From me, but that's an easy one, so someone must have come up with it before. But as a frenchman, I'm pretty proud of it.)
Why Did The Monkey Fall Out Of The Tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
-Because he was tied to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
-Peer pressure.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
-He was doing a monkey impression.
I Was Talking To My Jewish Doctor Friend...
And I asked him how much he charges for a curcumcision. He said that he does it for free, but he gets to keep the tip.
What Movies Teach Us.
According to Hollywood movies - 1 out of every 5 Americans work for the CIA . According to Chinese movie- 1 out of every 5 Chinese is a Kungfu master. According to Japanese movies- Every 1 out of 5 Japanese is a Ninja. According to Indian movies - Every hero in a movie is a dancer and a singer.
Why Does A Blonde Woman Close Her Eyes In Front Of The Mirror?
To see how she looks like when sleeping.
Autistic Guy Didn't Get Paid For A Whole Year While Working At Applebee's.
Life is hard for stauving autists.
A Russian Asks Another Russian If He's Seen The New Magic Show In Town.
"Cock ta-da?"
"Yeah, horror show."
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A Blonde, Wanting To Earn Some Money...
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
A Wolf In A River
didn't know w(h)ere it was, so it how-led and an owl "who'd" back. The wolf replied "What?"
Imagine The Reaction Of His Mother.
Sirius: Mother, I got into Gryffindor! Mother: Gryffindor! You can't be Sirius!
What's The Difference Between An Expensive Purchase And A Loud Noise That Scares A Chicken?
One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar...
...with a steering wheel mounted on his crotch.
He says to the bartender "Yar, I'll get me a rum."
The bartender says "Okay buddy. But first you gotta tell me... what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate says "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
A Little Girl Gets Into The Shower With Her Mom.
As she watches her mother she looks up at her boobs and says "Mommy! When will I get those?" and her mom replies "When you're older."
The next day the little girl gets into the shower with her dad. As she watches her father she looks up at his dick and says "Daddy! When will I get one of those?" and he replies "When your Mother leaves for work."
Did You Hear Mike Tyson Was Just Arrested For Nearly Beating A Pizza Hut Waitress To Death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
Hitler Was Walking Through A Concentration Camp
And he came upon a little girl laying on the ground. He asks how old she is, to which she replies "I turn 8 tomorrow ". Hitler chuckles a little and says "no you don't"
Two Women Are Chatting In An Office...
Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"
Classic Insult
Boyfriend: Can you be the moon of my life? Girlfriend: Awww Yes sweetheart..! Boyfriend: Great! then Stay 9,955,887.6 kms awy from me..!!
A Vegan, A Crossfitter And A Game Of Thrones Fan Walk Into A Bar, 5 Minutes Later Everybody Knew About It.
A Vegan, a crossfitter and a Game of thrones fan walk into a bar, 5 minutes later everybody knew about it.
Cut To The Quick!
The post office worker at the main office finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it's from an elderly lady, distressed because all of her savings of $200 had been stolen. She will be cold and hungry at Easter without divine intervention.
The worker organises the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get the money to the old woman by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognises the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it and reads,
"Dear God. Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.
P. S. It was $20 dollars short, but that was probably those thieving buggers at the post office."
I Visited The Catacombs And Was Surprised When It Was Damp Enough For Moss To Grow
I thought it would be bone dry
Bad Day At The Pharmacy
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife, tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, my hand to God, all I did was tell her."
Monday, December 26, 2016
Today Is The Day When Marty Mcfly Was Supposed To Arrive In The Future And We Still Don't Have Hoverboards!
I bet you that Michael J. Fox is just sitting at home shaking with anger
If R/jokes Had A Theme Song...
Nothing short of a howler monkey being violently sodomised with a megaphone strapped to it's face would do.
The Chinese President Stayed Overnight At Buckingham Palace.
He really proved that he was a man of steel.
2 Scientists Walk Into A Bar,
one asks for H20 and the other asks for H20 too.
The other scientist dies.
Did You Hear About The Helicopter That Crashed In The Graveyard?
So far the police have found over 300 dead bodies.
So My Mom Told Me That My Generation Is The Dumbest,
So I reminded her that our generation understands how online games work.
A Woman Went To Get A Mammogram
…and as she's in the machine, a hapless medical student walks into the room. "Omigosh, I-I'm so sorry…" he stammers when the woman interrupts, "Don't just stand there! Can't you see I've been booby-trapped?"
I Just Found Out That A Gay Friend Of Mine Is OCD
He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.
One Night Stand
I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.
Last Request...
A blindfolded man is about to be put to death by firing squad. The general walks up to him and asks if he has a last request.
"I would like to sing the song of my people one last time."
The general agrees and takes a step back.
"One million bottles of beer on the wall! One million bottles of beer!"
Sunday, December 25, 2016
I Just Got Fired For Putting My Penis In The Pickle Slicer At The Restaurant Where I Work
She only got docked a week's pay
A Business Man Runs Into An Elevator At His Hotel As The Doors Are Closing
Sidewise slipping in as the doors close, And knocks an attractive business woman in her breast with his elbow. He blushes a bit and says "I'm sorry ma'am, but if your heart is half as soft as your breast you'll forgive me."
The woman does a twice over of the man, reaches into her purse and slips the man a room key. "If your dick can get half as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 722."
You Hear About The Incredulous Japanese Man Who Didn't Cry At His Own Father's Funeral?
Poor guy couldn't bereave it.
Women Are Too Sensitive.
My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father.
Mickey And Minnie Go To A Divorce Lawyer
Mickey and Minnie go to a divorce lawyer. The lawyer says "Mickey, it says here that would want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy? Mental illness is a sickness. Didnt you vow to love her in sickness and in health?" Mickey replied "You misunderstood. I never said she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy"
Did You Hear About The First Reich?
Did you hear about the first Reich?
Or the second Reich?
The third Reich?
The fifth Reich?
The eight Reich?
Not even the thirteenth Reich?
Perhaps the twenty first Reich?
Huh. I guess you've never met any Fibbonazis.
Why Do People Love Their Smartphones So Much?
Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
Trump Returns Home After Ten Days Of Election Campaigning To Find His House In Disarray. Pants, Shoes, Socks, Jackets, Shirts And Underwear Are Strewn From One End Of The Place To The Other.
As he follows the trail of garments towards the bedroom, he starts to hear the unmistakable sounds of his wife and a stranger in the throes of passion.
Trump races to the door, kicks it open, and stares dumbfounded at the sight of his wife enthusiastically humping the man he despises most in the world.
"What the fuck is going on here?" says Trump.
Without breaking her rhythm, Melania looks at her husband and says, "But honey, I'm only doing what you told me to do."
"I told you fuck Jeb! Bush?" asks Trump, his eyes red with rage.
"Yes," says his wife, moaning with pleasure. "You said we needed to save on energy."
A Walk Through An Apple Orchard.
A man is walking through an apple orchard when he spots a farmer and some pigs by an apple tree.
He notices the farmer pick up a pig and hold it mid-air until the pig had finished an entire apple, then set the pig back down on the ground.
The man watches the farmer repeat this a few more times with the other pigs at his feet, and decides to walk over to talk to him.
"Hey, you know you could save time by just knocking some apples out of the tree"
The farmer looks puzzled and replies,
"What's time to a pig?"
What's The Difference Between Garbanzo Beans And Chickpeas?
I've never paid $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
My Wife Caught Me Fucking Our Child The Other Night...
I don't know what shocked her more, me fucking it or the fact the abortion clinic let me bring it home.
Damn America, Are You A Cop?
'cause my girlfriend keeps stabbing me and yet somehow it's all my fault!
Two Friends Were Out Camping In The Carpathian Mountains
Dave, You asleep?
I was before you woke me, the fuck you want Bob?
Dave, tell me what you see?
Dave: I see the moon
Bob: And?
Dave: And it's full!
Bob: What else do you see?
Dave:I see the big dipper
Bob:And?
Dave: I see the little dipper also.
Bob: Is that all that you see?
And then it hits Dave...
Dave: Ah for fucks sake, someone stole our tent
A Mother And Father Took Their 6-year-old Son To A Nude Beach
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Life Is Like A Penis.
Life is like a penis. It's soft and squishy until a girl comes along and makes it hard.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
John And Jane Go To See A Marriage Counsellor.
The counsellor says, "So, you two are married, correct?"
"Correct," they reply.
"And you are having regular sex?" asks the counsellor.
"Absolutely," they reply,
"So," laughs the counsellor, "What is the problem?"
They say, "Well, our partners don't really approve."
I Felt Like A Golfer
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Autocorrect Disaster
A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.
“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.” The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.
Why Were The People In The Twin Towers Upset?
Because they order pepperoni pizza but they just got plain
The Inflatable Boy..
There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.
Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
(slightly Dirty) What's The Difference Between A Striptease Artist And A Trapeze Artist
A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt....
Job Interview
I was being interviewed for a new job. They asked me to use three words to describe myself.
So I answered, "lazy."
A Priest Was Being Honored At His Retirement Dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend.
I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Friday, December 23, 2016
Did You Hear Monica Lewinski Is In Town?
I saw her going down on Clinton!
(most towns/cities have a Clinton St.)
Always Ask Your Girlfriend If She Is Actually A Transvestite Before You Start Dating Her.
I learned it the hard way.
Man From Nantucket
There once was a man from Nantucket, with a dick so long he could suck it. As he wiped off his chin he said with a grin, if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.
What's The Difference Between A Rooster And A Slut?
A rooster says cockadoodledo. A slut says anycock'lldo.
Heard this from an old guy. Does that make this a dad joke or was I just talking to a creepy old guy?
Someone Stole My Car ...
I guy walks up to a cop outside a bar and says, "Hey someone stole my car."
The cop asks "where'd you see it last?"
The man responds,"well, it was right here at the end of my key."
The cop laughs and tells him to walk down to the local precinct a couple blocks away. But, before the man walks away, the cop advises, "hey, you probably want to zip up your fly before you get there."
The man looks down, disappointed, and says, "Aw, man. Those thieves got my girl too."
BLONDE LUCK
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."
You Hear About The Three Guys Who Died In A Flight Simulator When A Plane Crashed In To The Building?
Apparently jet fuel can't melt irony.
A Young Girl Noticed She Began To Grow Hair Inbetween Her Legs
She asked her mum about this. Her mum, thinking quickly, said "Thats because theres a little monkey down there, be proud that its finally growing hair!"
The girl was so happy about this, she went to tell her older sister about this. However, she simply stated "Pfft, growing hairs? Mines already eating bananas!"
Owners Of America
"The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians, they're an irrelevancy. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the statehouses, the city halls. They've got the judges in their back pockets. And they own all the big media companies, so that they control just about all of the news and information you hear. They've got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want; they want more for themselves and less for everybody else."
"But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. That's against their interests. They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago.
"You know what they want? Obedient workers people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork but just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And, now, they're coming for your Social Security. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back, so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They'll get it. They'll get it all, sooner or later, because they own this fucking place. It's a big club, and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club."
"This country is finished." RIP -George Carlin
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar With A Steering Wheel In His Pants...
The bartender says "Hey! You know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies: "ARRR it's drivin' me nuts!"
The Magical Apples.
These three guys walk into a bar.When they go to order, the bartender offers them to try these magical apples, that can taste like anything you want; they look at each other. The first man says, " Alright,I'll have a Gin and Tonic" he looks at his friend in disbelief. The Bartender hands him an apple. The man takes a bite, "It just taste like Gin," he said. " Turn in over." the bartender says. "Tonic." the man said delighted. The second man came up "I'll take a Rum and Coke." the bartender hands him one. The bites one side then the other. "Wow its exactly like the drink." The third man looked at his friends "Well if it truly works, ''i'll take pussy." they laughed. the bartender gives it to him. the man smiles as he goes for a bite he goes for a big one then he spits it out " Its taste like shit" he said.
"Turn it around," the bartender laughs.
Dear Parents
If you want to find out where your Son/Doughter is in the house,
Simply turn off WI-FI and Wait
Dark
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Is It Wrong
Is it wrong to have sex before you're married? Only if it make you late to the ceremony.
The Sign Down The Road
Teacher: Why are you late, Hanry? Hanry : Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What dose a sign have to do with your beeing late? Henry : The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
What Happens When A Feminist And A Sociopath Date?
I need a punchline for a joke.....What happens when a feminist and a sociopath date? OK GO!
The Brain
The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick, the bartender asks why he has such a thing there and the pirate replies "arg its for driving me nuts"
I'm So Upset. My Professor Said The Math On The Exam Would Be Basic.
So instead of studying I brought in some Starbucks during the exam to see if that would help. I still failed the exam.
A Minsk Fireman Gets Home From Work...
... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."
"But you're not in the party," she replies.
"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"
I Couldn't Diagnose My Nasal Deformity
so I decided to call my friend, Richard, the ENT doc, thinking "Dick knows."
Did You Know That Ang Lee Made Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Five Years Before He Made Brokeback Mountain?
Yeah, working title for the latter film was Crouching Cowboy, Hidden Sausage.
How Many Fishermen Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Two. One to do the changing and another to talk about how the last bulb was bigger.
Dang Girl, I Want To Treat You Like My Big Toe...
...and bang you on every piece of furniture in the house. (sorry if its been submitted before)
Poor Little Boy Born Without Eye Lids..
A little boy was born without eye lids.. the doctor asked the parents if they wanted to circumcise the boy, and use the skin for his eye lids. The parents agreed. The procedure went well... although the boy is now seeing a little cock-eyed.
What's The Difference Between Dining With Donald Duck And Having Dinner With Bill Cosby?
They will both offer to share a little bill, but only one will leave you with a fowl aftertaste the next morning.
Two Nuns Were Out Walking In The Woods
When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started raping the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.
A Photon Goes To A Hotel...
He arrives and the clerk says, "Sir may I take your luggage" the photon then replies, "No, I'm traveling light"
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Oral Sex
A man is getting married for the first time, but as it gets closer to his wedding day he is getting more nervous. The man goes to his father for advice. His father asks him what's got him so worried, to which the man replied, will me and my wife still have sex after we are married? The father laughs and replies of course you will my son. The man relieved to hear this asks his dad if he and his wife still have sex. The father laughs once again and tells him, of course we do! We have oral sex every night. She goes into her bedroom and shouts fuck you, and I go into my bedroom and shout fuck you too.
What Do You Do When You See An Epileptic Throwing A Fit In A Bath Tub?
You throw in some laundry and detergent.
What's The Importance Of Capitalization?
You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or you can help your uncle jack off a horse
If There Was A Race Of The Mentally Disturbed, The Necrophiliac Would Come In Dead Last
Get it cus he bangs dead bodies?
The Hot Horseshoe
A blacksmith is in his shop, hammering a hot horseshoe. After the cherry glow fades from the horseshoe, he sets it on the anvil to cool. Just then, a customer walls in, and, while waiting for the blacksmith to greet him, he picks up the freshly worked horseshoe. The customer immediately throws the horseshoe down with a yelp. Amused, the blacksmith grins and asks the customer "Hot, isn't it?"
The customer replies "Naw, it just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe."
Me And My Doctor
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. :)
A Teacher Asks A Student A Question.
Teacher: If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Listen carefully. If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Okay, how about I put it this way. If I give you two apples, then two more apples, and then another two apples, how many apples do you have?
Student: Six.
Teacher: Good, you get it! So if I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have??
Student: Seven.
Teacher: Why the heck seven??
Student: Because I already have a cat!
Whenever I Go To Pick Up My Daughter From Daycare She Always Yells "Daddy!" And Comes Running Over To Hug Me.
Its like, chill out bitch you look desperate.
[NSFW] Billy JO Bob Was At A Restaurant...
when a beautiful woman at a nearby table started choking on some food. Without hesitation, he jumped up, spun her around and pulled her pants down. He stuck his face in her ass and ran his tongue up it.
The woman screamed, expelling the food and turned to slap Billy Jo Bob. "What the hell do you think you are doing!" she yelled.
"What's the problem?" he responded calmly. "Ain't ya never heard of the hind lick manoeuvre?"
I Woke Up This Morning Wearing A Red Fuzzy Wig, Giant Oversized Shoes And A Red Nose.
I think I must have slept funny.
Little Johnny In Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher think his students might need a refresher on Jesus, so he asks the class, "Do you know Jesus is?"
Steven raises his hand and says "Jesus is in Heaven."
Mary answers "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny raises his hand and jumps up and down and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well" Little Johnny says "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Little Timmy Takes 15 Candy Bars To School. He Eats 12 In His First Class. What Does Little Timmy Have?
Diabetes...little Timmy has diabetes.
P*ssy
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Why Should One Masturbate While Calling Comcast Customer Support?
Because getting fucked in the asshole when you are not horny feels awful
Watching Hot TV Commercial
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
For My Birthday My Girlfriend Let Me Have Sex With Her Sister While She Watched..
At first I felt a bit uncomfortable..
Those cribs aren't really made for adults.
Edit: I know that I have fucked up, and for that, I apologize. I will not fuck a baby on a cot ever again.
What Do A Homeless Woman And An American Football Player Have In Common?
They both take their pads off after four periods
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
A Child Asked His Father
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
They Say Any Sufficiently Advanced Technology Is Indistinguishable From Magic...
Does that mean any sufficiently phallic object is indistinguishable from a dick?
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
One. One to bitch about it so a white knight will do it for her.
I Got A Pay Rise In My Job.
At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
At Willcall For A Concert, I Start A Conversation With The Lady In Front Of Me.
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
Tomorrow Harper Is Going To Wake Up To ...
... with Nenshi (Muslim) as his Mayor, Notley (NDP) as his premier and Trudeau (son of the political figure he hates the most) as his PM
What Was The First 3D Printer?
Your butthole!
*** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
When Choosing A New Password....
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Old Problems
An 80 years old lady was complaining to a friend that she had a lot of trouble during the night because a man kept banging on her door. When her friend asked, "Why didn't you open the door?" the lady replied, "WHAT???? And let him out??"
Where Were You Born?
Boss: Where were you born? Employ: India .. Boss: which part? Employ: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
Apparently The Norwegian Government Pays For You To Hire Convicts
I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.
Respect
If you use the term "respectively" respectfully or you use the term "respectively" disrespectfully, I have a lot of respect for you and I disrespect you, respectively.
My Parents Were Nihilists, But I Knew They Loved Me...
...Because when they died, they left me nothing.
The Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
"Oh Dear!" 16 Year Old
A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!" Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom." All the other fathers say in unison, "Jesus Christ!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"
Monday, December 19, 2016
Password
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
So Embarrassed
...thought sombody cute was staring at me so i stared back. But then i realized we were both just the negative space around a vase
Husband Wife Funny
Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Marriage Banter
A man is at a pretty much sold out sports event with all seats taken except the one right beside him.
The guy on his other side inquires about the empty seat. "Oh it was my wife's" says the man. "Ooh what happened, trouble in paradise?" "No, she passed away unfortunately" "Oh I am so sorry. I don't know what to say... Would you not have gotten a family member or one or you and your wife's friends to accompany you...?"
"Nah they're all at the funeral"
A News Reporter Is Given The Task Of Preparing A Report On Goats.
So he decides to travel to countryside. On the way he sees a guy walking with two goats down the road. He decides to interview him. This is how the interview goes. Reporter- what do you feed the goats? Guy- which one, the black one or the white one? Reporter- the black one. Guy- grass normally! Reporter- and the white one? Guy- grass nomally! Reported- how often do you bathe the goats? Guy- which one, the black one or the white one? Reporter- umm, the black one? Guy- weekly. Reporter- and the white one? Guy- weekly. Reporter- when you treat both of them the same why do you keep asking "which one"? Guy- because the black one is mine! Reporter- and the white one? Guy- that is mine too!
Guy Walks Into A Bar...
Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables wrapped around his neck.
Bartender said "alright...but don't start nothing!"
What's The Difference Between An Irish Wedding And An Irish Funeral?
One less drunk. - TommyEdisonXP (youtuber)
Damn Girl Are You A Scientology Church?
Because after I come inside you I'm going to be thoroughly disappointed and end up paying large sums of money for the rest of my life just to leave.
What Did Mr. Freeze Call Himself When He Joined Batman's Fight Against Criminals?
The Dark Knightrogen
A Woman Calls The Police Claiming A One Armed Man Is Trying To Kill Her...
They say to her "don't worry about him mam, he's hＡＲï¼ï¼¬ï¼¥ï¼³ï¼³."
Student Explains 'The Formula For Water' ..
Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. Teacher: That’s not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
Did You Hear About The Pedophile That Never Could Win A Race?
He was always coming in a little behind.
A Man Walks Up To Parliament Hall...
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!
Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.
Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that
The Victims Of The Aurora Movie Theater Shooting Got Really Ripped Off.
They paid to watch the whole movie, but all they saw were a few clips.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Why Is A Wonderbra Called A Wonderbra NSFW
Because when it is taken off, it makes you wonder where them boobs disappeared to.
Thought My Friend Was An Alcoholic Because He Wouldn't Shut Up About The Bar
turns out he was studying to be a lawyer
A Chemist His Friend Walk Into A Bar...
The chemist says "I'll have some H20".
His friend says "I'll have some H20 too".
And then they both get a glass of fucking water because no bartender would serve fucking hydrogen peroxide.
A Blond, A Brunette, And A Redhead Are Running From The Police
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sirens approaching so they had to act fast. The brunette hid behind the cows, the redhead hid behind the pigs, and the blond behind the potatoes. The police broke in and surveyed the area. The brunette, trying to be inconspicuous, decided to imitate the cows. She let out a great big "Moooooo!" The redhead did the same, letting out a pig squeal. The blond, in the spur of the moment, let out the loudest noise of them all. "POOOOTTTAATTTOOOOOO!"
To Everyone Scared That Justin Trudeau, A School Teacher With No Real Experience Is Now Prime Minister Of Canada... Relax.
Laura Roslin pulled it off and that was when humanity was on the verge of extinction.
What's The Importance Of Capitalization?
You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.
Girl Asks A Guy...
How big he thinks her boobs are, he replies, "looks like im gonna have to do an inbreastigation!"
When I Asked My Husband What He Wanted To Do Right Before Bed...
He told me he wanted to cuddle, hold hands, and talk about our feelings. I was a bit surprised, but I agreed to stay up and talk. He got into bed beside me, snuggled up, and held my hand. I said, "so, tell me what you feel" to which he replied "I feel like I wanna fuck".
Son, Do We Have Any Dopted?
Son: What is a dopted?
Dad: You are!
Son: Ha ha funny one dad.(Sarcastically)
Dad: I'm not your dad!
A Hurricane And A Divorce In Virginia
I learned this joke from my chem teacher:
What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common?
Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!
Server Not Found
I was trying to look at one of these threads and a page came up that said the servers are busy and had the reddit alien on a computer with his cat tangled in the computer chords, and what's funny is that's how my grandmas cat died
A Man Finds A Lamp On The Beach.
He rubs it, and out pops a genie.
"You only get one wish," says the genie.
"Oh, I've thought about this a lot!" Says the man, "What I really want is a highway all the way to Hawaii. That way I can vacation whenever I want!"
"Are you serious?" Replies the genie. "A job that big will sap all of my genie powers. I'll be out of commission for months. Isn't there anything else you want?"
"Hmm," says the man, "well, I guess I've always been curious about the female mind. I'd like to know what women are thinking and why they're thinking it."
The genie thinks about it and says, "so how many lanes you want?"
Saturday, December 17, 2016
My Grandpa Would Always Tell Me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
A Husband And Wife...
Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.
Sunday School (somewhat NSFW)
Little June was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:
"Tell me, June, who created the universe?"
When June didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted June.
"Very good!" the teacher said and June fell asleep again.
A while later the teacher asked June, once again:
"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, again, June didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted June and the teacher said,
"Very good! I'm proud of you, June," and she fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked June a third question:
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time June jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING AT ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Very good!"
A Teacher Is Teaching A School Lesson
Teacher: Whoever stands up is stupid, and will be expelled from this school!
nobody stands up
Teacher: Any volunteers?
a witty student stands up
Teacher: Johnny, do you really want to get expelled?
Johnny: No, I just thought you were kind of lonely standing by yourself.
Reporter Approaches An Athlete At The Olympics And Asks " Are You A Pole Vaulter?"
Athlete (in German accent) "no I'm not polish, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
A Man Gets A Call From His Doctor
The doctor says "I have some bad news, and some worse news. what do you want to hear first?" The man is shocked and he says "well I guess the bad news" so the doctor replies "the tests we did yesterday showed that you only have 24 hours to live" and the man says, "what could possibly be worse than that!" so the doctor replies "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday"
Hey US Sports Fans Of Reddit, Did You Know You Can Play Fantasy Sports For Money Online?
Can't recall where I saw that..
0 Two Muffins Baking In The Oven. One Says "Bloody Hell! It's Hot In Here." The Other Spins Around.....
"AAAHHHHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!! GET ME OUT!!!!"
A Good One For Halloween NSFW
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Three glasses of blood fellas?" The first two say yes but the third shakes his head. "No thanks. Just some hot water please." The bartender was shocked. "What's the deal? I though you guys only drank blood." The vampire took a used tampon out of his pocket. "I'm making tea."
I Tried Buy Only Some Of The Songs Off Of A Beatles Album
But the store owner said they all come together
Friday, December 16, 2016
Duct Tape Is Like The Force...
...there's a light side and a dark side, and it keeps the Universe together.
Tune Into Supergirl On Nbc.
I hear some of her powers include making a sanwich in a flash and getting stubborn stuck on grease out of any pan!
Why Are My First Car And Anal The Same?
Because I didn't want either of them but my dad gave them to me anyway....
I Stood At A Urinal The Other Day And Started Doing My Business.
Above the urinal on the wall someone had wrote;
"The jokes not here, its in your hand"
A Latin Teacher Is Telling 6 Different Groups Where Yhey Should Sit.
Edit: yes I know the title has a typo.
Group unus near my desk.
Group duo near the white board.
Group tres next to the door.
Group quatuor in the back.
Group quinque at the desks in the center.
Group sex in the corner.
Don't Be Racist! I Takes All Colors To Make A Rainbow.
Except black. There's no black in a rainbow.
Credits to vinesauce
How Many Sides Does A Box Have?
Too many. I'm telling ya! One second it's all happy, the next it's going all emo on me!
So annoying.
Even The Driver Say's So ...
A man while making love to his maid, exclaimed 'Martha your are sweeter than my wife'
The maid smiled and said 'i know 'because the driver always tells me so'
Child: "Mom! Mom! The Dog Is Having It Off And Is F*cking!"
Mom: "Yeah, then don't look!"
20 seconds later the Child: "But it hurts..."
I Went Into A Convenience Store Today...
I asked the shop keeper if they sell stationery there.
He replied no, they're allowed to move around.
Did You Hear About The Man Who Couldn't Keep His Herb Garden Under Control?
He had bad thyme management.
A Joke My Dad Said About Black People!
I said, Dad do you like black people? He says, "Yeah! I think everyone should have one or two!"
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Did You Get That?????
Unscramble these words!
1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?
My Boyfriend Offered To Do Analingus If I'd Trim A "landing Strip..."
I told him he should be more worried about Skid Row.