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Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Tuesday, February 28, 2017
God Finds Adam In The Garden Of Eden..
God asks him, "Where is Eve?" "She's down in the river." said Adam "WHAT?! Get her out of there! Do you have any idea how long will take me to get the smell off the fish?!"
I Used To Work At...
I used to work at a 7/11. A lady comes in and asks for a chewy candy bar. Let's just say I gave her my big hunk
I used to work at a fabric shop. A lady came in one day and asked for some fabric. Let's just say she got felt.
I used to work in a bakery. A lesbian came in one day and asked for some sponge biscuits to eat. Let's just say she got some lady fingers inside of her.
I used to work as a Roman soldier. A lady came in one day and wanted to be crucified. Let's just say I nailed her.
I used to work at a pastry shop. A lady came in one day and complained that her eclair was hollow. Let's just say she got a cream filling.
I used to work at Home Depot. A lady came in one day asking if her order came in. I told her it was in the back. Let's just say she took it from behind. (the store).
I used to work for a construction company. A German lady came in one day asking for a way to extract minerals from the ground. Let's just say, I gave her Mein Shaft.
I used to work in IT. A lady came in one day saying that her computer wasn't working. I stuck my cable into her USB port (if you know what I mean) to see what was going on. Let's just say that she gave me a virus.
American Businessman's First Visit To Japan
A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.
Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off. As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.
When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"
"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."
The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf. Naturally.
On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.
Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".
The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
A Thousand Humans Are Abducted...
To be sold as slaves to alien buyers.
An unassuming alien approaches the slave market and asks to see their stock. The merchant happily complies.
"James Walker," the merchant begins, "Male Caucasian. Hard worker, father of five, very high stamina. Only 500 credits."
The buyer says no, asking for something more cost-effective.
"Very well. Herschel Stein. Male Hebrew. Circumcised. Financial genius. Only 500 credits."
The buyer thinks about it, then turns him down again. "Do you have anything smaller?" He asks.
"I see what you mean," says the merchant, "Ro Seung Yun. Female Oriental. Light frame. Ample bosom. Very high IQ. Only 500 credits."
The buyer sighs, and leans in to whisper in the merchant's ear. "I'm going to level with you... I only have 300 credits. What do you have for three hundred credits?"
The merchant pauses, and scratches his grey forehead trying to think. After a few seconds, he runs into the back room, and comes back out carrying yet another human.
"He's perfect!" says the buyer, "What's his name?"
"Jamal."
Why Does Beyonce Always Sing "To The Left, To The Left"?
Because women have no rights
I got bored and started looking back on old jokes from middle and high school =P
A Mentally Challenged Kid Wants To Do His Part During The War Effort.
WWII breaks out and everyone is doing their part. A mentally retarded kid decides that he wants to join the war effort too so he heads down to the Marines recruiting station. They just laugh at him and tell him to go try one of the other branches. He heads over to the air force, they tell him it's not going to happen but maybe he'll have better luck with the navy. He tries them and gets told that they are desperate but not THAT desperate, he should go try his luck with the Army. So he heads over to the army recruiters and sure enough, they sign him right up.
The kid starts his training and when the time comes to be assigned their riffles he is the last one in line. By time he gets to the front they are all out of guns. The guy handing out the guns hands the kid a broom instead. The retarded kid asks him what he is suppose to do with a broom and the army guy tells him, "Well son, this is a magic broom. When you see the Germans comin, just point your broom at them and say 'banga banga banga' and they'll all fall over dead." So the kid takes his broom and leaves. The next day they are handing out bayonet's and again, the kid is the last one in line. When he gets to the front they give him a piece of string. Again the kid asks what he is suppose to do with a piece of string. The army guy ties it to his broom and tells him. "Well, if the Germans get too close, just move your broom back and forth and say 'slishidy slash, slishidy slash' and they'll fall over dead.
Time passes and the kid finally finds himself on the front line facing the German army. He points his broom at them and starts saying 'banga banga banga' and sure enough, the Germans start falling over dead. A little while later and the Germans are still advancing, now they are right on top of the American forces. The kid starts swinging his broom from side to side saying 'slishidy slash, slishidy slash' and again the Germans start falling over dead. A little more time passes and the kid sees the biggest German he has ever seen coming over the hill. He points his broom at him and says 'banga banga banga' but nothing happens, the German keeps coming right at him. The kid starts swinging his broom back and forth and saying 'slishidy slash, slishidy slash' but again nothing happens. The German keeps coming, runs right into the kid, knocks him over. As the kid is being smashed into the mud he looks up and the last thing he hears is the German saying "Tankady tankady tankady".
I Misplaced My Watch At A Disco
So I tried to find it.
I saw it on the dancefloor, being stood on by a guy. That's when I noticed that he was trying to grope her and she obviously wasn't enjoying it.
I walked up to him, tapped him on the back and delivered a swift kick to his balls. He fell over, moaning in pain.
The girl, looking rather relieved, asks why I did it.
I picked up my watch, slipped it on and replied "No-one does that to a girl. Not on my watch."
HUGE BILL
HUGE BILL
A Gaint Ship's Engine was failed.
The Owners tried to 1 Expert to another
but non could fix the engine.
At last an Oldman was consulted who examined throughly the Owners' Presence.
Then He took out his Hammer and Tapped something.
The Engine Started instantly..
A week later Owners received a Bill for $ 10,000.
"What, He did nothing!" They Exclaimed and asked for the
Detailed Itemized Bill.
They Got Detailed Bill as:
Tapping with Hammer= $1
Knowing where the Tap= $9999
= $10,000...:-)
Bill Cosby Buys A Really Boring, Run-down Bar
People say its so boring you might just fall asleep after one of the drinks
3 Men Were Trying Out For The CIA
After a series of tests and only one open spot the interviewing agents were at a stand still, unsure of who to choose. So they gathered the 3 men into a hallway and explained that they had one final test and with the completion of said test they will become a CIA agent.
The interviewer pulls out a gun and hands it to one of the men saying, "We have your wife tied up in that room, we need to test your loyalty, so you have to take this gun and kill her."
The man explains that they are newly weds and he loves his wife dearly so he wont do it. The man is asked to leave and the same task is given to the second man. The second man replies similarly in that he and his wife had been married 10 years and he would never kill her. So with the first 2 out they turn to the 3rd man and repeat the requested task.
"We have your wife tied up in the back and we need you to take this gun and kill her. This is how we test loyalty."
So with a deep breath the man agrees to do it. Saying he has been having troubles with his marriage and this job is important to him. So they gave him the gun and he walked into the room with his wife.
Listening intently the interviewers lean against the door they hear Click..Click..WHACK..CRACK..BANG...BOOM
They run into the room to see what happened and ask the man whats going on.
"Some idiot didn't put bullets in the gun so I had to finish her off with the chair."
Badly Translated Ukrainain Joke
Summer. Outskirts of some small town. Two friends sit on a bench and watch as An-2 use pesticides on local wheat field.
F1: Hey, dude. Have you heard terrorist attack that happened in USA?
F2: Yeah. So?
F1: What if something like that would happen here?
The moment he says so, An-2 suddenly catches fire, hits a 5 store building and makes balcony fall off.
....
F2: You said something?
F1: What can I say? Terrorists attacks here are the same as country. Shitty.
Two Guys Are Waiting Around At The Pearly Gates...
Two guys are waiting around at the pearly gates. Bored, and with nothing else to do, guy 1 asked guy 2 how he died. Guy 2: I froze to death. Guy 1: Wow! That's terrible. What a horrible way to go. Guy 2: How about you, how did you die? Guy 1: Well I was at the office and I had this premonition that my wife was having an affair on me. I just knew it to be true. So I jumped in my car and raced home. I ran into the family room, nothing was there. Run up stairs to the bedroom, nothing was there. Check the bathroom, closet, under the bed,... nothing. Run down stairs. Check the kitchen, the guest room,... still nothing. Go down and check the basement, the whole house,... don't find anyone. Start walking out the front door back to my car and I have a heart attack. Fell over dead right there on the front porch. Guy 2: Damn, what a bummer. Just think, if you'd checked the freezer first, we'd both still be alive.
TWO CATS ARE SWIMMING ............
two cats are swimming across a river .one's name is "one two three" and the other's name is "UN deux trois". who makes its across? one two three , because un deux trois cat sank. hahahahahahs amazing nah
A Beautiful, Sheltered Girl Just Turned 18....
She is absolutely beautiful. 10 out of 10 knock-out.
Her father has always been very strict and kept her very sheltered her whole life.
The night of her 18th birthday she musters up some courage and comes downstairs in a flirty dress...
Daughter: Daddy, I am going out with my friends for my birthday tonight.
Father: Absolutely not
Daughter: Please daddy! You never let me do anything fun. I just want to go out and have fun with my friends and I'll be home by midnight.
Father: No. Go upstairs.
Daughter (now crying): I hate you! You never let me do anything fun!
Father: Fine. You know what? If you want to go out tonight, you have to come over here and suck my dick.
Daughter: Daddy...what....what did you say?
Father: Yeah if you want to go out with your friends tonight then you have to come over here and blow me.
Daughter: No! That is awful!
The daughter starts back up the stairs but stops halfway.....
Daughter: Fine. I'll do it.
The daughter proceeds to go down on her dad. It's weird but she's getting through it. About 30 seconds in she slows down and stops and sniffs around a little.
Daughter: Daddy...wait. Somethings wrong...your dick.....your dick stinks. It smells like shit.
Father: Yeah don't worry about it. Your little brother wanted to go to the movies this afternoon.
Monday, February 27, 2017
What's The Difference Between Jesus And A Picture Of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus
What's The Difference Between Erotic And Kinky?
It's erotic if you use a feather, but it's kinky if you use the whole chicken!
A YouTuber, A Facebooker And A Redditor Walk Down A Street
A YouTuber, a facebooker and a redditor walk down a street. They come to a barrier with a police man. The officer says: "You shall only pass when the sum of the length of your three penises together is higher than 13 inches.
He pulls out a large ruler. At first, it's the YouTuber's turn: 6,5". Good.
He goes to the facebooker and measures his dong: 6". Alright. Only half an inch needed!
The officer walks up to the redditor who opens up his pants and pulls it out. He's exactly 1 inch.
The officer says: "Alright, that would be 13,5 inches altogether. You can pass. Have a good day." And the group starts walking.
Five minutes pass and the redditor says: "Guys, we're sooo lucky I had a hard on!"
Two Sheep Are Talking
- It seems to me that a man and a dog are working together.
- If you don't drop your ridiculous conspiracy theories the whole herd will laugh at you.
It's Easy To Stop Swearing
Just replace curse words with similar non-offensive words.
For instance, when I stub my toe, I scream:
SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BISCUIT!!
I Asked My Co-worker If She Liked Adele..
Co-worker: No, I haven't listened to any of her music actually.
Me: Oh! Then you must be rolling in the deep!
Heard This One From A Scientist Last Night
Two scientists walk into a bar:
“I’ll have an H2O.”
“I’ll have an H2O, too.”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
Hooker And The Awkward John
A guy walks into a brothel and whispers to the madam "I'd like a girl for the night but she has to be understanding about physical disabilities." She gives him the keys to a room and he heads up. A beautiful woman walks in and tells him everything will be okay, he should relax and take off his clothes. He removes his shoes and has really crooked and crossed toes. "Does it hurt?" She asks, "yeah, I have toe-liosis. It scoliosis of the feet." She feels a little awkward but takes off his pants for him and sees that his knees are huge and covered in bumps. "Before you ask" he says "I have the kneesles. It's like the measles but on the knees." A little more weirded out she takes off his boxers, looks for a second ask says "let me guess, smallcox."
What Do You Get When You Mix An Octopus And A Mexican?
I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
Something To Get Your Favorite Entomologist In The Mood
"Baby, I'm gonna pin you down and spread your legs like you're a beetle on a cork board."
Sunday, February 26, 2017
A Woman Was Out Shopping One Day With Her Son.
The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
My Attempt At A Mitch Hedberg Joke
"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
A Man Breaks Into A House One Night
While making his way through the house to look for valuables, he comes across a parrot inside of a cage.
"Jesus is watching you" The parrot squawks at him.
The thief looks and sees a small nameplate on the cage that reads 'John the Baptist'
"What kind of religious nuts name their parrot John the Baptist?" He wonders out loud, to which the parrot responds
"The same kind that names their pitbull Jesus"
What Did The Former Governor Of California Say After He Helped The Old Lady Cross The Street?
I'm Arnold to assist you.
Why Do White People Think They Can Say The N Word?
Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.
Delivery Confirmation
“Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”
“Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.”
“OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.”
“Yes, I will hear a TCP joke.”
“Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?”
“Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.”
“Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.”
“Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline.”
“I’m sorry, your connection has timed out. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”
What Do A Professional Fifa Player And A Rapist Have In Common?
They're both going to score, even if you don't want them to.
Bob's Gorilla Removal Service
So Fred wakes up one morning and strolls outside to pickup his newspaper, but before he can get to the end of the driveway, he looks up and notices a gigantic gorilla sitting in the tree in his front yard. Terrified, Fred runs back inside and flips open his phone book. After a long search, he finally finds a number for "Bob's Gorilla Removal Service".
"Well, that's oddly specific" He thinks, but he dials anyway.
"Bob's Gorilla Removal Service, Bob speaking."
Fred: "Oh thank God. Bob, I have a huge Gorilla in the tree in my front yard and I didn't know who else to call. Can you help me?"
Bob: "Sure I can, but I need to know one thing before I get there. Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla?"
Fred: "I...I don't know. Let me run and check...(after a brief pause)... Oh, it's Definitely a boy gorilla."
Bob: "Perfect. I'll be right over."
About a half hour later, Bob arrives and unloads his truck. He lays out a ladder, a ten foot pole, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a 12 gauge shotgun. A bit perplexed, Fred asks,
"I hate to question an expert, but what on earth are you going to do with all that?"
Bob: "Well, I've been at this a long time and I can assure you this is the best way to catch a gorilla. First, I'm going to climb this ladder up the tree. Then I'm going to take this pole and poke the gorilla until he falls. Next, Buddy here points to the chihuahua is trained to run right up to that gorilla and bite him square in nuts. When the gorilla puts his hands down to protect himself, you slap the cuffs on him and I'll take him away in the truck."
Fred: "Well, I never would have guessed it, but that actually sounds like a great plan. But wait, what's the shotgun for?"
Bob's casual demeanor drops, and suddenly he is deathly serious when he says: "If I fall off that ladder, you shoot that Fucking Dog."
What Did The Horse Say To The Group Of Kids.
Haaaaay you guuuysss
Hahahah hope youvliked it worked pretty darn hard.comon up woth thisnfunny joke, cya hahahahha lol
Macho
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
I Don't Know Who This Rorschach Guy Is But.....
Why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
Ever Had Haggis? I Fed It To My Dog Once....
Poor guy's been licking his asshole for a month, trying to get rid of the taste.
Owls
The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Did You Know That Half Of All Harleys Ever Made Are Still On The Road?
Yep, they never made it home.
Marital Bliss! A Police Officer Pulls Over...
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says,”Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!”
His wife smiles demurely and says, ”Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut!!"
The officer frowns and says, ”And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. "
The driver says, ”Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. "
His wife says, ”Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ”Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
"Only when he's been drinking!"
Two Newfies Are Moose Hunting...
When they stop for a bite to eat. One newfie opens up a thermos and begins to pour out some soup.
"Whaddya got there George by?"
"Oh dis is me Thermos Steve by, keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold! You should get one fer yerself by."
So the next day they are in the woods again and stopped for a snack. Steve hauls out the biggest thermos George has ever seen.
"Lord Jesus by thats some thermos ya got there Steve by!"
"Yes my son picked her up yesterday! Keeps me hot stuff hot and me cold stuff cold!"
"Yes by!" George says, "Whaddya got inside?"
"Two cups of tea and a popsicle!"
Hitler Walks Past A Certain Alley
Two jews find out that Hitler walks past a certain alley every morning at 8am. So they decide to wait in the alley and kill Hitler and save the world.
So they get to this alley at 5am and wait...
6am... they wait.
7am... they wait.
8am... still no Hitler.
So they decide to wait a bit more.
9am...
11am...
2pm...
4pm...
At this point one turns to the other and says, "I hope he's okay!"
A Group Of People Are Hanging On A Rope Coming Down From An Airplane
They decide that one person needs to get off, or the rope will break and they will all die. But no one can decide who should get off. So the person at the top of the rope has an idea. She calls down to the person at the bottom. "HEY YOU! DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET OFF?" The person at the bottom then answers "YEAH!" Pretending she can't here him, the person at the top says "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! IF YOU THINK I SHOULD GET OFF, CLAP YOUR HANDS!" The person at the bottom then claps his hands. Problem solved.
The Missus And The Ex
A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.
"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."
John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks under the table too.
"What the hell are you hiding for?"
"It's a small world."
A Young Woman Was Taking Golf Lessons And Had Just Started Playing Her First Round Of Golf When She Suffered A Bee Sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Saturday, February 25, 2017
A Blonde And Her Two Friends Are Stuck On An Deserted Island...
Suddenly, a genie appears and grants them each one wish. The first friend wishes to go back home. POOF she goes home The second friend wishes the same. POOF she goes home. The blonde then says "Awww, I wish my friends were here..."
Happy Cat Day! Here's My Cat Joke.
I bought my cat her first play tower.
When my friends came over they told me to stop putting pussy up on a pedestal.
A Man Entered A Pet Shop...
...wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
"Super Mario, Come Quick! Bowser Kidnapped The Princess!"
-That fucking coward! I'll kill him! Which way did he go?
-He went to the left.
-Goddammit!!!
How Many Friend-zoned Guys Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None, they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!"
Father! Father! An Old Man Just Hobbled Into The Church...
Father! Father! An old man just hobbled into the church on crutches. He splashed some holy water on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch, and then he splashed some holy water on his left leg and threw away his left crutch! And… ”"My boy, you’ve witnessed a miracle! Where is this old man now?” "Flat on his ass on the floor over by the holy water!”
Who Has The Right Of Way When Four Cars Approach A Four-way Stop At The Same Time?
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your steering wheel.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Jim And Edna Were Both Patients At A Psychiatric Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged...since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Source: yahoo answers
How Many Northern Californians.........
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.
An Old Farmer Gets Pulled Over By A State Trooper...
While the trooper is talking to him, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.
The farmer says “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”
The trooper says “Yeah– why do call them circle flies?”
The farmer says “Well they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”
The trooper asks “Are you calling me a horse's ass?”
The farmer says “Oh no officer, I got too much respect for the police to do that. Hard to fool them circle flies though.”
An Avocado-wife Is Giving Her Husband The Silent Treatment
Husband: "I said you were the good kind of fat!"
A Guy Is Sitting In A Bar...
...having a drink and sees a beautiful girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says:
Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?
Sure, - she says, "have a seat."
The man sits down and they get to talking.
You know, - the man says, - this is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed.
REALLY?!?! - the girl says, - My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?
So they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to the girls house, she says:
- Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little more kinky.
She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door. She says:
- Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!
He says:
- Jesus, lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?
What Have I Done
At a computer company Manager: Jake, I am sorry to tell you that this will be your last day at work Jake: So you are letting me go just after hiring Manager: Yes Jake: Ok
that day, Jake did something crazy Jake: You are all in a surpirce next day
Next day Employee 1 open his computer Empolyees: What the...who put their penis as wallpaper
A Woman Has Been Married To Her Husband For Ten Years...
...and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says:
- Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!
The husband says:
- Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids.
Two Vultures Board An Airplane, Each Carrying Two Dead Raccoons.
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Friday, February 24, 2017
A Hillbilly Invites His New Neighbor To A Party...
he says "there'll be a whole lotta drinkin', dancin', and screwin'..."
His neighbor asks if he can bring anything.
Hillbilly says, "you can bring anything you want, just goin' be me and you..."
credit to "Mad Men"
A Woman In A Hot-air Balloon Realized She Was Lost.
A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault"
Why Did The Computer Programmer Get Stuck In The Shower Forever?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"
The Cherokee Indians Are Overrated.
Sure, they had an advanced writing system, but Indians from Florida produced more Seminole works.
...I'll show myself out.
It's Mrs. Goat's First Pregnancy...
and she is not having an easy time of it. After hours and hours of painful labor she's finally taken into the delivery with Mr Goat close by her side. During a particularly strong contraction Mrs. Goat looks up at Mr. Goat with pure hatred in her eyes and yells "I HATE YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BASTARD! I'M NEVER LETTING YOU EVEN TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN!" Mr. Goat is shocked and doesn't know what to say. The doctor catches his attention and winks at Mr. Goat. "Don't pay any attention to her," he says. "She's just kidding!"
GYNECOLOGICAL ECHO
A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.
After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."
A Tree Falls In The Woods ...
and no one is around to hear it, how is it I.T's fault.
Because I.T didn't move the woods into the cloud.
A Man Dies And Goes To Hell.
The devil greets him:
- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
I choose this room!- the man says.
Very well, - the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
Get Married
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
How Many PETA Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
None, because PETA can't change anything.
-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.
My Friend Said I Might Be Gay
But I reassured him that we fucked for 20 minutes straight.
Edit: I am male for the person who didn't get the jokem
Looking For Texas?
Drive east or west on Interstate 70 until you smell shit. Then go south till you run into it
What Do You Call A Fart In The Middle Of The Night? What Do You Call A Fart In The Mourning?
A midnight snack A hot Breakfast
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Which One Comes First
I just Ordered A Chicken and an Egg off the internet, to see which one comes first........ I'll keep you posted.
Twins.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Two Hillbillies Walk Into A Restaurant...
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'
The Fly And R Kelly
A Fly buzzes up to R Kelly and asks "Mr Kelly could you please sing me a song?"
R Kelly pauses in thought then replies "I believe I can, fly".
Jamie Asked Tyrion [GOT SPOILERS]
Why did you kill our dad?
Tyrion: ¯_(ツ)_/¯, everything happens for a treason.
Lawyer
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.
A Couple Was Invited To A Swanky Halloween Party.
The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
The Fact Acceptance Movement And The French Revolution Are Very Similar.
People losing their heads over eating cake.
My Grandmother Started Walking Five Miles A Day When She Was Sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
New Girlfriend (58)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Sue, because I just added the song "Runaround Sue" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
How Do You Know You Are At R/jokes?
The guys all look like they played football for Bronx HighSchool of Science
Why Are Blowjobs Referred To As "giving Head"?
... because it's the only way for women to get ahead in life.
I Asked A Librarian For A Book About Pavlov's Dogs And Schrodinger's Cat...
She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
I Cast A Spell On A Girl Today And It Actually Worked!
I focused in on the girl and said "Virginus Protectus."
It worked because she walked away with a terrified look on her face.
Two Roaches
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
An Alcoholic Walks Into A Candy Store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
Only One Eye To Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?" "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye
Mum Thinks She's Dad.
Dad: Honey, where oh where is a pair of my underwear?
Mum: Your underwear is under there.
Dad: Under where?
Mum: Yes.
How Many Eminem's Can Fit In A Boeing 747?
One. All the other slim shadys are just imitating.
Not original but from https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/3qgcf1/we_are_the_wolframalpha_team_ask_us_anything/cwewk0k
Credit to u/Dracin
Knock Knock
Who's there? Probably a murderer because it's 2015 and a normal human being would just text "here"
Einstein Climbs To The Top Of Mt
Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann? A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
My Friend Texts Me And Said She Wanted A Puppy Or A Baby. Either Is Fine With Her.
I said babies look like potatoes, and that she should go with a puppy. She said my reasoning for claiming babies look like potatoes was intentionally obtuse.
I said, "no, _/ <--- that's intentionally obtuse.
Sorry, I know it's bad. I just wanted to share.
What Happenes If The First Person On Moon Was A Woman?
Girl: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: what is it? Girl: it's nothing. Houston: tell us what is it. Girl: it's just... Nothing, just forget it Houston. Just tell us what it is Girl: i've told you forget it, it's nothing
The Other Day, My Friend Told Me I Didn't Know What "irony" Meant...
Which was ironic, because I didn't.
A Man Tells His Wife......
Husband: Hey, you and I should make a sex tape! For the future! Wife: Ehhhhh........ It'd be more like a vine.
It's Such A Lovely Day, Even The Flowers Are Singing!
Flowers: THE SINS OF OUR FOREFATHERS BIND US TO THE DIRT
Trump: We're Going To Build A Wall, And Let People, In...
Trump: ....but legally. They built the Great Wall. Here we need a 1000. We can do a wall, we can have a big fat door in the middle, but they are coming in legally. Mexico is going to pay for it. A politician cannot get them to pay, I can.
Women Like You Are Hard To Find..
My ex wanted to know if still thought of her. Quite often I said. "Women like you are hard to find. Most of you are in state hospitals."
IPod Shuffle
Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note.
Nailed It
Jesus has been crucified and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them one wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".
Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Galilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.
He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the boat. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.
Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.
But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these fuckin holes in my feet".
Rude Joke
I was taken the dog for a walk in the graveyard and seen a bloke bent down behind a tombstone, so respectfully I said "morning"
He replied "no, taking a shit"
The Conservation Of The Letter R
Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
I Had A Girl Come Over Last Night
She was a shy little thing and offered her honor to me. Being a gentleman, I honored her offer.
And all night, it was honor and offer, honor and offer.
Keep The Tip
A Mohel has faithfully performed circumcisions for his Jewish temple for 47 years and he is finally retiring from service. He wanted something that would symbolize his life's work and being the clever Mohel that he was, he had kept all of the penis skin that he had removed over the years.
The Mohel went to the most skilled tailor in the city and brought his trunk full of skin.
"I want something special that will remind me of the toil I put into my career." He told the tailor.
"I'll see what I can do." replied the shocked tailor.
The Mohel left him and a month later returned to find what the tailor had made.
"Here you are!" said the proud tailor, as he handed the Mohel a wallet.
The Mohel took the small item and examined it.
"It appears that this wallet was indeed made of the skin I left you, but I'm a little surprised. I brought an entire trunk of skin and this is all you made?"
The tailor smiled.
"Stroke the wallet and it turns into a full set of luggage."
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
This Halloween I'm Going To Dress Up Like Bernie Sanders...
and go around the bar drinking 90% of everyone elses beer...
A Woman And Her Ten-year-old Son Were Riding In A Taxi...
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drives" She said.
My Girlfriend Met My Parents For The First Time The Other Day...
I told my girlfriend that my mom was deaf so to make sure she spoke loud and slow. And I told my parents that my girlfriend was retarded.
A Joke For People In The Ad/marketing Industry
Did you hear about the marketing guy who wanted to get back together with his ex fiancé?
He sent her a re-engagement email.
Two Girls Take A Walk On A Hot Summer Day.
They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn't wearing any panties. "Is it cooler without panties?" they ask. She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
So I Was Eating Out This Girl One Time...
And then I tasted horse cum, and said ''Grandma that's how you died''
A Cowboy Is Wandering Through The Desert...
He wanders by a Native American with a huge erection just laying on the hot sand on his back.
The cowboy asks "What exactly are you doing."
The Native American responds, "I am telling the time."
The cowboy noticed the shadow from the Native American's penis, shrugged, and trotted away.
A few hours later he passes by another Native American, same thing. The cowboy asks and he responds "I am telling the time."
A few hours later the cowboy finds a third Native American man laying on his back. This time the Native American was furiously masturbating.
The cowboy asked. "Now what is it you're doing??"
The Native American looks at him in the eye and says "I'm winding my watch."
Guess My Age
It's Linda's 40th birthday, so she heads down to the shops to pick up supplies for the birthday BBQ she's having with some friends later on that day. She heads to the supermarket first, fills the trolley with booze, the heads to the check-out. At the till the man notices the 'Happy Birthday' badge pinned to her jumper, and says to her "Oh! It's your birthday? Many happy returns! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?" "Why don't you have a guess?" replies Linda. The man looks at her for a second or two, the says "33-34 years old?" Linda's over the moon. "Well actually, I'm 40 today. But thank you ever so much, you've made my day!" she says, and, smiling, she heads over to the boutique on the corner to buy herself a new dress for the party. The woman in the store also notices her badge, and asks her the same question - "How old are you today?" - to which Linda gives the same answer - "Why don't you have a guess?" The store woman thinks for a moment, then hazards a guess at 36-37. Linda is again over the moon. "Well actually, I'm 40 today. But thank you ever so much, you've made my day!" she says, and, still smiling, she heads over to the butchers to get some fresh meat before heading home. As before, the butcher notices the badge pinned to her chest, wishes her a happy birthday, and asks her "How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?" Linda, fishing for another compliment, says to the butcher "Why don't you have a guess?" The butcher looks her up and down, and comes round the counter for a closer inspection. He says to Linda, "Do you mind if I have a quick feel? I'm good with my hands, and can expertly age meat after so long in this business." Linda, thinking he means to give her arms and hands a bit of a squeeze, is completely shocked when the butcher gives her tits a good hard squeeze, and is utterly lost for words when he lifts up her skirt and grasps her pussy firmly in his hand. Outraged, Linda pulls his hand away, and just as she's about to storm out of the shop the butcher says to her "You're 40". Linda stops dead, amazed. "How did you know that?!" The butcher replies, "I was behind you in the queue at the supermarket."
Modern Blonde Joke
A blonde girl is texting her friend, when all the sudden she drops her phone. She picks it up and notices the screen is cracked. She immediately textes her friend saying that she cracked her screen. Her friend responds "omg. you'll have to show me next time!". The blonde girl then has a great idea, so she responds " it's okay! I'll just send a screen shot!
Thanks for reading!
How Many Friend Zoned Guys Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None. They’ll just compliment it way too much and then get pissed when it won’t screw.
My Friend Is Working On A Website And Told Me He Wanted To Use MySQL.
Why can't he just use HisOwnSQL?
A Blonde Goes To The Dry Cleaners
She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?" Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?" The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, it is mayonnaise this time"
What Do You Call A Bisexual Scandinavian
A bi-king.
I know that was terrible. Also I'm not being racist because i'm from Scandinavia.
When Reaching A High Shelf, Do You Jump Up To Get It, Or Stand On A Foldable Tiered Platform?
Because most people prefer the ladder.
I Was Going To Be A Quarterback For Halloween At Work...
...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.
Martini Contest
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks for whatever martini they regularly serve, and after one sip he spits it out and proclaims “Jeez this is piss water! I could make a better martini in my sleep!”
The man and the bartender roast eachother about their skill levels for a bit, and the bartender makes a suggestion. “How about this, I’ll bet you $20 you’re wrong. You come back here and make a drink for me, and I’ll make a drink for you, and only after we drink the other’s will we figure out who is a better bartender.”
The man agrees and they shake on it. He comes behind the bar and reads every label. He grabs a big martini glass and puts all kinds of stuff inside. He gives it a shake and pours it for the bartender. To the bartender’s surprise, it’s excellent! Top-grade stuff!
The bartender pats him on the back, drinks the whole shaker’s worth and tells the man to sit down at the bar.
The bartender says “Hey man, what do you want to start off with? You’ve got $20 on the tab.”
The man looks confused. “How have I won?”
“Because I’ve got fast metabolism and I’m sure what I’m making is worse."
Monday, February 20, 2017
My Doctor Said He Needed A Stool Sample From Me.
The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway
The Problem With Speaking In Monotone, Is That People Can't Tell When You're Being Serious.
I remember just to get a reaction, I told my sister that I hoped god inflicted the worst punishment imaginable onto her soul. You know, just to be a dick. I actually had to be like, “Jesus Suzie. I was joking. Of course i don’t believe in a god.”
A Woman Dropped A $10 Note Next To Me. I Thought, 'What Would Jesus Do?'
I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
A Father Is Sitting In The Park Watching His Children Play When Another Parent Joins Him...
"Which ones are yours?" she asks the man. The father replies, "That one there, that's Rose. We named her Rose because when she was born a rose pedal floated down and fell gently on her head." The woman responds, "Oh how lovely." "And over there is Lily," the father continues, "We named her Lily because when she was born a lily fell down and landed right on her head." Just as the woman compliments the father on his lovely children a little girl runs up aggressively grunting at the man, who shouts back "shut up Brick!"
Password
My pass is "incorrect" so when ever i forget my password it tells me your password is incorrect
How Many Jews Can Fit In A Car?
2 In the front, 2 in the back, and six million in the ash tray! Drops mic Gets shot
My Father In Law Just Told Me This One.
Woman are like Roses. They flourish once they have had a good thrashing.
Need Some Peter Pan Related Jokes!
This year I will be Rufio from Hook for Halloween and I wanted to be armed with jokes that are related to Peter Pan/Hook/Wendy/Rufio :)
I have one so far!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he neverlands!
Duckling And Baby Skunk
There was a mama duck and her duckling walking with a mama Skunk and her baby.
They came up to a road, the mamas decide to cross the street first, they both get hit by a car
The baby duck starts crying and saying my mama just died and I do not know what I am.
The baby Skunk says, well you are yellow, have webbed feet and wings you must be a duck. The duckling thanks the baby skunk.
The baby Skunk starts crying now, my mama just died and I do not know what I am.
The duck thinks for a minute and says, we'll you are not white, you are not black, and you stink,
You must be a mexican!
A Hooker Decides To Marry...
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "This is true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get".
A Man Was Having Trouble Deciding Whether He Should Buy A Mattress Or Not
Then he thought, "I think I'll sleep on it"
Controversy In Europe
Did you hear about the latest controversy in Europe? If Russia attacks Turkey from the behind will Greece help out?
What Is Confidence?
A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late? "No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast." And that, my friends.......is Confidence!
A Ham Sandwich Walks Into A Bar...
Sits down and orders a side of fries, the bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here."
What Do You Call A Cow?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
-Lean meat.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
-Your mom.
Two Gay Guys Meet At A Bar
They hit it off and go back to the one guy's house. He tells his new friend they're gonna do it a little differently. He says we're gonna play hide and seek, and if you find me you get to fuck me in the ass. But if you don't find me, I'll be right behind that couch over there.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
The Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall.
Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.
The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall."
An American Soldier Is Deployed To Iraq...
An American soldier is deployed to Iraq around 2005. One of the first things he noticed upon arrival was that women walked about 10 paces behind their husbands. He had never seen this before and asked his commanding officer why they did that.
"Iraq isn't as advanced as the US and women don't have equal rights here, they must walk behind their men as a display of subservience." replied his CO.
Ten years passed and the soldier was once again deployed to Iraq, this time to fight the Islamic State. When he returned, however, he was surprised to see that the women now walked about 10 paces in front of the women. Figuring that some societal change must have occurred and elevated women's status, he decided to ask an Iraqi man what prompted the change.
The man replied, "landmines."
My Daughter Wanted A Golden Retriever.
I got her a goldfish, to see how well she cared for it, to see if she'd be responsible enough for a dog.
It was a beta test.
A Young Guy Recently Joined Our Team, And I Asked What Do You Want To Do In Future? He Said..
"I want to head a team one day"
I said: "Really, is that why you are here? There are guys in the team who may actually like that"
A Panda Bear Walks Into A Fancy Bar...
The Panda Bear is seated at the finest table in the place and is greeted by the bar's best waitress. The Panda Bear orders the most expensive bottle of wine and steak on the menu.
As he finished his last bite of steak, the waitress asks, "How was your meal?" Without saying a word the Panda Bear pulls out a gun and and shoots the waitress and begins to walk out the door.
The owner of the bar quickly confronts the Panda and says, "What the hell did you shoot my best waitress for?!"
The Panda replies, "it's my nature" and walks out of the bar.
Stunned the resourceful owner runs to the back and grabs his encyclopedia and reads...Panda: large bear that eats shoots and leaves
4 Jews Walk Into A Bar...
4 Jews walk into a bar. It turns out that the bar is a gas chamber and they all die.
The Last Stall In The Bathroom At Work
Has a really, noisy creaky door when you open it. There's some scary shit going on in there.......
How Do You Call 4 Blacks In A Car Falling Off The Cliff?
A waste. You could fit 1 more in the trunk.
A Wise Old Indian Chief Was Showing A Cowboy Around His Territory.
After a few minutes he puts his ear to the ground and says to the cowboy "buffalo come". Amazed, the cowboy asks him how he can tell so quickly. The stoic Indian chief replies "my ear is sticky now"
I Have A New Primary Care Physician
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am a little over seventy).
I couldn't resist asking , "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke, drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat thick steaks, desserts and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "Not much... My former doctor said that all that stuff is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No,' I said...
He looked at me sternly and said, 'Then, why the fuck would you want to?
Dear Deardrie...
I have a mole on the end of my penis. How much trouble am I in with the RSPCA?
Credit to Ed Byrne.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
Mr. How Long IS a Chinese name,,,,, I'm sure this has been done before, but it's my favorite "riddle"
[NSFW] What Do They Say After Intercourse In Alabama?
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushing my smokes!"
If Nike Was Founded By A Women
Then the tag line would be "Just do it....If you want too...I dont want to force you...Its your life...anyways you never listen to me...Do whatever you want...Who am I to say"
A Man Went To Club One Night, Saw A Fat Girl Dancing On The Table And Said "Nice Legs"
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so!" The man said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"
When CEO Of A Company Tried To Overreact
In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly...... CEO of that factory came and asked his salary... Man replied "5000 sir" CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him... "I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back" That guy left............ Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?" Workers replied "Courier Boy Sir".. Moral: Don't overreact in every situation!
I Don't Mean To Cause Controversy, However...
Women are lesser. Your a loser. Bush did 9/11. John Cena. BlackLivesMatter. AllLivesMatter. BlueLivesMatter. Star Wars is way better than Harry Potter. Harry Potter is way better than Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings is way better than Star Wars. Dickbutt. Internet Explorer is the greatest search engine of all time. Your Mom is indeed not the largest object known to man kind. The 13 year old on Call of Duty did not sleep with your mom. I know I misspelled "You're" on line two. Reddit is a Joke. Abortions are terrible. DickButt as John Cena. Gay people do have rights. Jesus does love gay people. I was kidding about the woman thing. Or was I? Apple is better than Samsung. Who the hell is Huawei? Cat's rule the world. The internet is our world. I was kidding. Not all Police Officers are bad people. Some of them are. J/K, it was line one. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Did You Hear About The Electrician Who Bought A Camaro Using Money He Got From Scrap Wire?
He really crimped and saved
Not Sure
I am not sure where to put this so ...... since October is breast cancer awareness month, shouldn't it be "trick or tits"?
How The Nation Of Canada Got Named.
There was much polite arguing about what to name the country. So they decided to draw letters from a hat. The first letter was a "C", so the announcer says "C, eh". The next letter drawn was an "N", and he says "N, eh"...
I told this joke on /r/politics recently, figured I would share it here.
I Had A Great Plan For A Heist This Time Last Year...
I was gonna disguise myself as a zombie and terrify the crap out of people at the bank. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the more frightening I tried to get, the more food people kept giving me.
My Girlfriend Is Going To Be A Witch For Halloween...
My girlfriend from California is going to be a witch for Halloween. She's the Wicked Bitch of the West.
How Many Friend-zoned Guys Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
None - they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
What Was I Like In High School?
You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus…
A Man Placed Flowers On The Grave
of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The man took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Two Men Are Sitting At A Bar.
One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, the other in his work clothes. The business man turns to the other and says
- I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day".
The worker looks confused and say:
Why two such extravagant gifts?
Well...if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer.
Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife.
How so?" says the business man
Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
The business man looked truly confused.
- Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*** herself
I Went To The Library And Asked For A Book On Pavlov's Dog And Shrodinger's Cat
The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Friday, February 17, 2017
What Is A Long Distance Love?
It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.
Ancient Egyption Pickup Lines?
i have a egyption speed datin assignment due and i was just wondering if any of u could just come up with a clever ancient pick up line if u can including aphrodite. thanks for the help!
My Parents Told Me To Stop Masturbating Or I'd Go Blind...
I asked,"Well can I just do it til I need glasses?"
I'll Have A Colorectal Cancer With Egg And Cheese
Em is my wife,
Me - I'm going to McDonald's and ordering a colorectal cancer with egg and cheese on a biscuit
Em - What?
Me - Who said that
Em - I don't know
Me - No, who said
Em - I don't know who said that
Me - No, WHO said that bacon causes colorectal cancer
Em - I DONT KNOW
Me- No, W.H.O said that, the World Health Organization.
Why Do You Need To Carry Radioactive Materials In Sealed, Lead Containers?
To stop it from falling out.
A Man Was Dangling A Mannequin Over The Side Of A Bridge Over A Highway.
He had the rope tied around his rwrist so he wouldn't drop it. Cars were swerving trying to dodge it and he was having a blast. But then a Semi comes through and hits the maniquin and crashes. In the incident he also tore the man's arm off because of the rope tied to his wrist. Can you believe they arrested the truck driver instead of the man? They charged him with armed robbery.
My Girlfriend's Angry Because I Got Drunk And Did A Shit On The Roof.
Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?
Roller Coasters Are Like Your First Time Having Sex.
for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.
Teacher: "Kids,
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
(x-post From R/OnePiece) Why Did The Marines Win Marineford?
Because Akainu had an Ace up his sleeve!
X-post from r/onepiece courtesy of DrenchedSamuraiDog
Little Johnny Needed To Go To The Bathroom
So he told his mother "I need to poop!"
The mother was entertaining a bunch of friends and was clearly embarrassed to hear this out loud. So Johnny's mother leaned in and says "Next time you need to poop, say you need to whisper."
It was late night and the mother had gone to sleep. Little Johnny waddles into her room, and says to her "Mommy! I need to go whisper!" Dazed, the mother slurs "If you need to whisper, go do it in daddy's ear."
Did You Hear About The Monkey That Ate The Cue Ball?
A man is sitting in a bar with his monkey. (Ahhh, this old story!) The monkey jumps onto the pool table and grabs the cue ball, and immediately sticks it in his mouth and eats it. No big deal.
A few nights later, the man and the monkey are back in the same bar, and the bartender offers the monkey a grape. The monkey takes the grape in his paw, and proceeds to stick it up his ass. He then takes it out of his ass and eats it.
The bartender is shocked and asks the man why his monkey would do that. The man replies, "Ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything before he eats it."
One Guy Tries To Get A Job:
HR specialist: - OK. You successfully passed job interview. And the final question, what is your hobby?
Guy took stuffed polecat out of his jacket: - Taxidermy
Polecat: - And ventriloquism
Thursday, February 16, 2017
A Mullah, Rabbi And A Priest Walk Into A Bar In New York
and the bar-man says, "What is this, some kind of joke?!"
A Married Couple Is Driving Down The Highway Doing 80km/h..
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 100km/h. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 120km/h.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 140km/h.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 200km/h, "I've got the airbag!"
2 Black Eyes
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Why Are The Ancient Greeks The Greatest Civilisation Of All Time?
Because they were ruled by Alexander The Great
Three Men Die In A Car Accident On Christmas Eve
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: ‘They're Carol's.'
Whats The Difference Between The Christmas Alphabet And The Ordinary Alphabet?
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Last Christmas We Bought A Fake Christmas Tree...
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."
A Fisherman And His Wife Had Twin Sons Named Towards And Away.
A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.
"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."
"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
Kiss
Never Kiss A Police Woman, She Will Say Stop-Hands Up,
Never Kiss A Nurse She Will Say Next Please, Kiss A Teacher She Will Say Repeat It 5 Times
Terms Of Sex Satisfaction.
In Terms Of Sex Satisfaction
Woman Is Like A Road & Man Is Like A Traveler
The Traveler Gets Tired But The Road Never Ends.
A Son And His Father.
Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No
The Talk.
My son asked me about sex today, so I gave him 'the talk'. On reflection, he maybe didn't need to know that when you fuck a girl up the arse and finger her at the same time, you can feel your bell end through the skin.
The First 3 Years Of Marriage.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Little Boy Asked His Father
'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'
The father thinks for a moment, then responds, "well son, that depends. before sex, or after sex?"
The little boy has no idea, so confusedly says, "umm.. both i guess."
"Well son, before sex, the vagina is like a fragrant flower. Soft, gentle and full of beauty."
"Ok daddy.. what about after sex?"
"well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
A Man Is Talking To God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a minute." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute.
Wearing Your Wedding!
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Headache And Testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
A Priest Checks Into A Hotel...
says to the clerk, "I assume the porn is disabled." Clerk says, "No! It's just regular porn you sick freak!"
A Son Goes To His Parents And Says "Mom, Dad... I'm Gay."
The Dad immediately responds.
"HI GAY, I'M DAD."
My Secretary Came Into My Office Today And Asked If She Could Use My Dictaphone
I said no, use your finger like everybody else.
Engineer Goes To Hell...
The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.
Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."
The engineer thinks for a moment, and then says, "You know, it is extremely hot down here. I'd love to build a large AC unit. Do you have the materials?"
Satan says, "Well, yes, we have all manners of metals due to our location under the Earth's crust. Have at it."
The engineer, after 3 days of heavy work, finishes his Hell-wide AC and turns it on. After 3 hours, the temperature has finally reached a more desirable 78 degrees, and Hell is much less hellish. Satan is highly impressed. "Nice work, i didn't think this was even possible! Sorry to say, though, St. Peter refuses to admit he messed up. Since you made this AC happen, I'll let you do whatever you want."
The engineer thinks, and says, "You now it's also really dark and dim with just the lava flows. Have the materials for a lighting system?" Satan says, "Of course! God sent some heavenly light once but i never could figure out how it worked. Here's the instructions."
2 days later, the heavenly light had been configured to brightly light Hell. Productivity was way up and now Hell was not so bad anymore. Satan tells the engineer, "I like you, bud! Tell you what, you can live like a king. Got a room in my castle for you. Everything you could ever want is there."
At this point, several angels had reviewed the engineer's life and informed God of St. Peter's mistake. God hastily adds the engineer to the Heaven list. He calls Satan and asks for the engineer.
Satan says, "No way, man! Hell has never been so nice before him. We have lighting, cooling, and now he's tinkering with machines that haven't worked since your son went to Earth! I'm keeping him."
God immediately responds, "He is a good man, though! He belongs in Heaven. It is only right! If you will not return him, I'll have to take you to court."
Satan laughs, and says, "Oh, and just where will you find a lawyer?"
Two Blondes Were Walking Down The Railroad Tracks.
The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"
Woman Admits To Sleeping With Husband's Brother And Husband Replies
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is. I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia togetherl
Have a great lifel > Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
2500%: Chance Of Getting Lung Cancer From Smoking.
Apparently, also Tracy Morgan's new insurance deductible.
A Man Calls 911 When He Can't Decide Between Two Women.
He was doing the online dating thing, got his calendar mixed up and had two girls show up at his place on the same night.
He's a pretty good looking guy so both girls wanted to be his date for the night and eventually it turned into quite the cat fight.
So he calls 911 and the operator answers with "911, what's your emergency?"
He replies; "I've got two girls in my house and they're fighting over who gets to go out with me."
The 911 operator comes back with; "Sir, I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like much of an emergency to me."
And he responds with; "But you don't understand. The ugly one is winning."
The Warden Of Auschwitz Addresses The Prisoners One Day
Today ve vill play games. Ze americans vill play baseball on ze baseball field, ze english vill play cricket on ze cricket field and ze jews vill play hopscotch on ze minefield
A New Female Teacher Goes To An All Boys School
Her surname is Frannie, scared that the boys might make fun of her name, she begs the principle to please remember to pronounce her surname with the 'r" in it when she's introduced
The next day, in assembly, the headmaster approaches the podium, asks her to stand up, and says "Hey everyone , this is your new English teacher, Mrs Crunt"
A Duck Waddles Into A Bar And Hops On A Stool...
The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
A Nurse Reached Into Her Pocket Looking For Her Pen
A nurse reached into her pocket looking for her pen and found a rectal thermometer instead. She turned to her colleague and said "some asshole has got my pen".
Did You Hear About The Mathematician Who Hated Negative Numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
They Say Religion Is The Opiate Of The Masses
Makes sense, because when I go to church I nod off...
(This is actually a joke I made up. Thought I'd share)
Three Ol Girls Are Smoking At A Bus Stop
and it starts raining. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.
"Whats that ?" asked the two other ladies. "Its a condom, its like a small raincoat for your ciggie" she replied. "That's amazing! Where can we get them from?" they asked. She told them that you can get them from any pharmacy. so later on that day one of the ladies popped into a pharmacy and asked for a condom.
The man serving her explained that there are many different kinds and asked if there was one in particular she would like.
She replied " I am not to worried as long as it will fits a camel"
The man serving her fainted....
The Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
So, A Priest Goes To Mechanic To Get Tires Rotated On His Car...
...as car is about to be lowered from the lift, priest ask his mechanic:
"Are those lugnuts tight enough?"
"Tighter than nun's cunt, father"
"You best give them another tug then, son""
Did You Hear That Tote's Have Brought Out A Line Of Spherical Candies Of Suprisingly High Quality?
They're totes amazeballs.
Her Husband Was In The Mood
A man came home from a long day at work and got into bed with his wife. He asked if they could have sex that night but she said, "No, sorry I have to stay fresh for the gyno tomorrow."
The man paused before replying, "Are you going to the dentist too?"
Note: I'm sad to say my dad told me this joke
A Woman Is Like A Delicate, Spring Flower...
...I have really bad seasonal allergies, so I just tend to get my fix by looking at pictures of them online.
My Favourite Word Is Snigger
It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson