Then why do banks have branches?
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Thursday, August 31, 2017
My Girlfriend Said She Was Finishing With Me Because Of My Obssession With Flowers.
I said "Where's all this stemming from, petal?"
A Busdriver And A Pastor Have A Conversation...
The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."
The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."
A Man On His Deathbed Requested His Wife, 3 Sons, His Nurse And A Camera To Be Set Up To Record His Final Moments. Which Were As Follows...
"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."
With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky."
His wife swiftly replied, "Was he bollocks! He was a fucking window cleaner!"
So What's Robin Hood Up To These Days?
He changed his name to 'Bernie Sanders' and is now running for president.
This Morning I Saw A Lady Scraping The Ice Off Her Wind Shield With Her Credit Card.
..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.
The Professor Asked "how Many Believe In Ghosts?"
Almost half the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "how many have seen a ghost?"
More than a quarter to the class held up their hands
The professor then asked "How many have talked to a ghost?"
And three students held up their hands
Finally the professor asked "How many have had sex with a ghost?"
One student, a Muslim in the rear, held up his hand.
The professor walked back to the student, and asked "So you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The student looked at the professor, a surprised look on his face, and muttered "I though you said goats..."
A Cow Was Walking, Newton Stopped
NEWTON’S LAWs: A Cow Was Walking, Newton Stopped It..He Stopped,, He Found His 1st Law.. “An Object Continues To Move Unless It Stops” . . He Gave A Force By Kicking The Cow It Gave A Sound He Formulated The 2nd Law.. “Force,F=MA” . . After Sometimes Cow Gave A Kick To Newton,, Then He Formulated 3rd Law.. “Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Erectile Dysfunction
Tom had erectile dysfunction from years had gone to different doctors to resolve his problem but hadn't been able to. The words spread over the village that a doctor had brought a miraculous medicine from overseas and could solve his problem. So he went to see the doctor and he prescribed him a teaspoon of the miraculous medicine before having sex.Happy about the fact that he could have sex with his wife after many year Tom drank the whole bottle before entering his house. He enters his house with a huge boner takes his wife from behind and start making love to her once, twice over the night and the following morning but he wanted more and more. His wife left the house in terror as she couldn't go on.Tom proceeded masturbating but still wanted more and more so long story short armed with a gun he f*cked everyone in the village including children,man,nuns,priests and even cows,goats so pretty much everything that could move without being able to stop.Knowing his problem Tom went to the same doctor that prescribed the medicine to him asking for a solution. In the meantime the village gathered to discuss the big problem they had with Tom.So the doctor revealed Tom tha there was only one solution for his problem and he should take a car battery and connect the opposing poles to his penis. So Tom went out of the doctors office took the JumpStart cable and connected it to the tip and balls.As in the Frankenstein's movie the people went to kill him with everything they could find. As the man got closer to Tom they heard a horrible screaming followed by the words "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES HE IS RECHARGING IT". Sorry for the bad English not my native language.
TIL That I Was Born Exactly 9 Months After My Dad's 32nd Birthday...
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
Having Sex With You Is Like Playing Hide And Seek
After the first 60 seconds you yell "ready or not, here I come!"
The Three Different Types Of Rooster
What does a rooster say?
Cock-a-doodle-doo What does a crazy rooster say?
Doodle-doodle-cock What does a Gay rooster say?
Any-cockle-do John, You Should Stay Away From Drugs
- Why Mark? I never take drugs.
- I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!
Old Joke I Heard About A Hole
Man at a construction site is driving a bobcat around and he sees a hole in the ground. He drives up to it and scoops up the hole. After driving a few minutes he makes a turn and drops the hole. As he is turning around to try to get the hole again.. He falls in.
Vegans
Vegan: MEAT!!! IS!!! CRIME!1!1
Old chinese man: pfft, keeps moving baby parts on the frying pan then add salt
When Dad Waits To See You On Thanks Giving
Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5? Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad : I guess through its Beak
Why Is A Laundromat A Really Bad Place To Pick Up Women?
Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
Well Done Turkey On Shooting Down A Russian Warplane.
Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
A Dad And His Son Are Getting Competitive While Playing Smash Bros.
The dad says: "I fucked your mom!"
To which the son replies instantly: "Yeah, well I've been deeper inside her than you'll ever be!"
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
The Three Wise Men Find Baby Jesus In The Desert And Eat Him...
one asks the others "how is your Holy Infant?" Between bites he says "Tender, Mild."
My Cat Scratched Me For Trapping Her Under The Blankets As I Made The Bed...
I guess she's clawstrophobic.
Since It Started Snowing, All My Grandma Has Done Is Stare Through The Window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
I Think My Neighbor Is Stalking Me As She's Been Googling My Name On Her Computer
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Be Careful What You Wish For.
A bear is chasing a rabbit (who he has hated for years) through the forest one day when the rabbit brushes up against a magic lamp. A large blue puff of smoke catches their attention, and they see a genie appear before them. The genie, feeling generous, decides to give both of them three wishes.
The genie first turns to the bear and says "What is your wish bear?" The bear, feeling a bit skeptical, wishes for an extremely sexy female bear. The genie claps his hands and poof!, a bear who happened to be walking nearby turned into the most attractive female bear he had ever seen.
The genie then turned to the rabbit and said "Okay rabbit, what is your first wish?" The rabbit, without hesitation, says "I wish for a helmet!", and with a clap of his hands the genie makes a helmet appear, which the rabbit puts on his head.
The bear, realizing again how much he hates the rabbit, is blown away at this waste of a wish. How stupid do you have to be to wish for a helmet, when you can wish for ANYTHING in the world?
The genie then asks the bear "Okay bear, what is your second wish?" The bear thinks for a moment and says, "I wish that all of the bears in this forest were super attractive female bears!" The genie claps his hands and assures the bear that it is done.
The genie then asks the rabbit for his second wish. "I wish for a motorcycle!" the rabbit says. The genie clapped his hands and a motorcycle appears.
The bear is now totally blown away that the rabbit has wasted two of his wishes on such stupid things. "I freaking hate that rabbit!" he thinks to himself.
The genie then asks "Okay bear, what is your final wish?" The bear thinks long and hard, and then making up his mind he says: "Okay okay, I wish all of the other bears in the WORLD were super hot female bears!" The genie claps his hands and assures the bear it is done.
The rabbit, who is now wearing his new helmet and revving the engine of his new motorcycle, then gets asked for his final wish. Rabbit looks at the bear and gives him a nasty grin and yells: "I wish the bear was GAY!", and then drives off.
How Many Dead Hookers Do You Need To Replace A Lightbulb?
Atleast not three since my basement is still dark.
A Teacher Asked A Student To Write 55
A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
My Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Me...
...it's all cool though, she said we could still remain cousins.
Today A Man Knocked On My Door And Asked For A Small Donation Towards The Local Swimming Pool
I gave him a glass of water.
The Hipster
A hipster was traveling down some river rapids. He came across a fork in the river and decided to take the left fork because the right was too mainstream
An Inspector Visits The Sewers
and meets a worker under ground.
The men get to talking when the worker explains he can identify peoples turd's floating down the sewer. The inspector is doubtful of this and demands a demonstration of the workers talent.
The worker looks up the sewer and says, do you see that one coming down now? The inspector says he can see it.
Worker: Well that belongs to the butcher
Inspector: How can you tell
Worker: See the sawdust in it? He uses that to clean his store and it sometimes gets in the food
Inspector: Thats very observant of you. What about this one floating past us now?
Worker: That belongs to the local farmer. Its full of corn and in this drought he can only afford to eat he's own crop.
Inspector: That's incredible, you sure know your shit.
Worker: Oh look inspector, here comes my wife's turd. She shits at 1pm everyday!
Inspector: And that is how you know its hers?
Worker: No inspector. It has my lunch tied to it.
Monday, August 28, 2017
What's The Difference Between Acne And A Catholic Priest?
Acne waits until its 12 before it comes on your face
A Drunk Staggers Out Of A Bar And Runs Right Into Two Priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest. "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest replies, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?
An Old Man And Woman ....
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
"Turkey!" "What??"
"TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY", "WHAT IS IT" the turkey said, "TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY", " Coughts I Ment Turp Turp!" The Bird Said. I Know That Was Bad Bad BAD Joke, Why Did I Post This Kinda Joke?
Donald Trump Becoming The President Will Be Familiar For Him...
Won't be the first time he kicks a black family out of their homes.
When You Date Someone You Either End Up Breaking Up With Them Or Marrying Them...
...And either way you end up unhappy.
My Wife Told Me To Put The Kids To Sleep Last Night.
She said it was too hard for her, but I've been waiting for those little shits to die since day 1.
What Did The Big Bad Wolf Say To Little Red Riding Hood?
The big bad wolf said: "Unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits".
"Fuck off!" she replied as she tugged down her panties...
"Eat me like the fuckin' book says."
Man On Vacation In Scotland Visits Pub...
And is greeted at the door by a man named Angus. Angus looks at the guy and says," My name's Angus. You see that house over there, I built it. But they don't call me Angus the house builder. " the man nods and walks on past him and heads over to the counter. A few minutes later Angus approaches him and says " You see that bridge over there, I built it. But they don't call me Angus the Bridge Builder. " At this point the man is getting annoyed, but remaining polite doesn't say anything, and just nods in approval. After a few more drinks, Angus approaches the man again and says," You see that fence over there, I built it. But they don't call me Angus the fence builder." The man very annoyed replies,"Alright Angus, what the fuck do they call you then?" Angus responds,"You fuck one sheep."
An Old Lady Offers The Bus Driver Some Peanuts
An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!
Man Goes To Doctor For Results Of Examination.
The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well your ailment is the first case ever seen and gets a brand new disease name in the medical manuals along with a photo."
The man says, "Jesus, what's it called and what's the bad news?"
Doc says, "It's going to be called Elephantcockitis, and the bad news is you need to buy a wheelbarrow because your cock and balls are going to get so big you'll need one just to carry them around."
How Many Priests Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
- One to screw it. One to beat it for being screwed. One to tell the lawyers that no screwing took place.
From Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson, referencing residential schools
Sunday, August 27, 2017
What's The Difference Between A Rooster And A Hooker?
The rooster goes "cock-a-doodle-do" and the hooker goes "any cock'll do".
R.I.P.
Today a man died after jumping into a waste treatment facility. The coroner ruled it a sewercide.
Bank Robbery...kinda
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,'Open the vault skank'. The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'. The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'. The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'. The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'. The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'. So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking dificult is it'.
Boy Asks Girl....
Boy: Will you marry me?
girl slaps him
Girl: What did you say?
boy gets up and and slaps her twice
Boy: If you didn't hear what I said, then why did you slap me?
Genie Confusion
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"
Statistically, You're More Likely To Be Killed, Raped Or Robbed By A Black Person Than Other Races.
This isn't really funny, it's a PSA.
What Should I Do Today?
Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!
Well, I'm Moving To Thailand.
There's a small village there named Phucket that really speaks to me on a spiritual level.
Two Amish Women Are Picking Potatoes...
The first one grabs a potato and says, "Wow, this one looks just like a pig!"
The second looks at the potato and says "Oh no, that one looks just like my husband's balls"
The first, shocked, asks "Are they that big?"
The second replies, "No, they're that dirty."
If There Is More Anti-matter Than Matter In The Universe ...
.... does this mean that there are more anti-black lives than black lives?
What Is The Difference Between A Genealogist And A Gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Northerners
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!
Saturday, August 26, 2017
The Lizard And The Koala
The koala was on his tree, smoking a joint when the lizard sees him.
L: Yo, Koala. Whatchu doin'?
K: Smoking. Let's blaze one out, Lizard
After smoking for some time, the lizard felt his mouth dry and told the koala he would go drink some water. While stumbling around pretty high by the river, the lizard gets spotted by the alligator.
A: What's going on, Lizard?
L: On, I was smoking a joint with the Koala, on the tree
The alligator was curious and decided to go see the Koala. When he got there, he noticed the Koala sleeping, so he yelled:
A: Yo Koala, what's up?
The Koala startled, answered:
K: Woaaaaah Lizard, how much fucking water did you drink?
This Year I Decided I Am Going Back To The Real Roots Of Thanksgiving And Celebrating It In The Traditional Fashion.
I will be handing out smallpox blankets to Native Americans.
My Black Girlfriend Told Me This On Our First Date.
What do you call 200 black people in a barn?
Antique farm equipment.
There's An ISIS Comedy Night Coming Up...
I would go but i'm fairly certain they're all going to bomb.
Have You Seen My Boat?
A conversation I literally just had with my three-year-old. That logic.
"Mommy, do you know where my boat is?"
"Which boat?"
"It's blue on the top and brown on the bottom with a little bit of yellow."
"Karl went and took it in that box with all of the other toys for the kids that don't have any toys."
"Why did you guys do that?"
"Because they don't have any toys."
"Yes they do have toys..."
"No they don't."
"Yes they do."
"What makes you say that?"
"BECAUSE APPARENTLY NOW THEY HAVE MY BOAT!!!"
Bitty And Belly Are Sitting On The Sidewalk
A Mercedes drives by and its horn plays a familiar melody. Bitty asks, "Is that from a movie?" Belly replies, "No, it's a car tune."
A Guy Walks Into A Mexican Restaurant...
...without looking where he's going. He accidentally bumps into a waiter, knocking the tortilla chips he was carrying onto the floor. As the guy starts to apologise, the waiter stops him and says:
"Don't worry, sir, it's nacho fault."
Following My Vasectomy My Urologist Told Me To Return With A Sample After I Had Ejaculated 40 Times
Ok Doc. See you tomorrow morning!
A Hotel Guest Calls The Front Desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
"Help, I've Lost The Remains Of An Egyptian Pharaoh In A Park In South London!"
"Tooting Common?"
"No, Neferkheperure-waenre Amenhotep IV."
There Was A Failed Art Theft Today...
the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Looking At Cows In A Field, How Can You Tell Which One's On Holiday?
It's the one with the wee calf. (Think Scottish)
What Do You Call A Person Who Believes That His Equipment Is Better Even Though It's Not
A mac user (PC is obviously better)
Let the war begin
Friday, August 25, 2017
Barista Asks A Customer If They Would Like Their Coffee Black
Customer replies "what other colors do you have?"
An Englishman, A Scotsman And An Irishman....
.. No, three men.. Uh, I mean three people... Oh just forget it, I'm only going to end up offending someone!
Today, I Got Kissed By The Eggs Of An Explosion...
Around 12am yesterday, I heard a knock at my door: it was a girl holding a cardboard box full of boiled eggs. She said, "..go away." I was confused, but my fireplace started up (log from the previous night), and now she was in my house. I asked her, "How long have you been in here?" She got up, and went to my front door, and began knowcking ("knowledge-knocking") on the door from the inside of my house, as if she was expecting someone to answer. I said, "..what are you doing?.." Right then, my fireplace turned into a warm, mild, neon-explosion. And she replied, "Is this how you expect to meet God?... sitting in your house?" ...I paused, and before I could say anything, the explosion kissed my cheek and the girl fell asleep.
In High School, I Presented A Project On Communism
I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.
I Just Know We're Going To Have Burnt Turkey This Week.
I can't imagine Putin will be very forgiving in his foreign policy.
My Girlfriend Had A Heart To Heart Conversation With Me Today. She Said She Wanted Some Time And Distance.
Cool! She must really want to calculate velocity
I'm A Rectum Stretcher
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...
A Sweet Grandmother Telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your mother?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!
When I Found Aaladin's LAMP !!
I Asked Aladin to Increase Your Brain Ten Times More.. He Laughed & told Multiplication Does Not Apply On Zero.. !
Who Says Men Don't Remember?
A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"
I Would Never Hit A Woman
Mainly because I don't think I could trust my self once I had knocked her out
What's The Most Common Activity People Do While Wearing Safety Vests?
Reflect!
I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'
A Little Girl And An Older Man Walk Into The Woods Together, When The Girl Starts To Cry.
The man says to her, 'I don't know why you're the one crying, I'm the one that has to walk out of these woods all alone!'
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Bob Is Throwing A Party
He decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is. Hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of the party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is. "275" came the reply. "Well that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and the first guest talk until someone else knocks on the door. "Hi, my name is Bob, what's your I.Q?" The new guest replies with "145." "Great," says Bob, and his new guest and him talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later, another knock is heard. "Hi, my name is Bob, what's your I.Q.?" Bob asks the newcomer. The new guest shuffles a little and quietly mentions "75..." "Well that's awesome," Bob remarks "what kind of iPhone do you use?"
Statistics Show That One Out Of Three Of Your Next Door Neighbors Could Be A Child Molester...
Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.
LotR & NATO These Days. . .
NATO sounds like the Council of Elrond
Turkey's like "We must destroy the ring motherfuckers!"
France is like "We can use it to our purposes, bend the One Ring to our cause against ISIS"
A Russian Told Me This One.
"The Matryoshkas inventor is rolling in his grave, in his grave, in his grave..."
How Many Police Officers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to shoot the room for being black.
Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, And Santa Claus Are Standing On A Cliff
Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Santa Claus are standing on a cliff, this cliff is overlooking an urban area in America.
Obama and Sanders open their wallets, ready to help the people bellow, while Santa opens his sack.
"I want to make ten people happy" Obama announces, as he throws $10,000 off of the cliff.
Sanders replies: "I will make one hundred people happy", and he throws $100,000 off of the cliff.
It is now Saint Nick's turn to play. Good old Santa Claus looks around at the people below and suddenly proclaims: "I will make every person in America happy!" and proceeds to throw Obama and Sanders off of the cliff.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Word Problem
You have $50 and you go to the sporting good store and buy a ball for $15.
The ball doesn't hold air so you return it to get another $15 ball.
The second ball doesn't hold air either so you return it, but get a $25 ball.
This ball works but you sell it to a friend for $20.
You immediately go back to the store to buy another $25 ball but a $45 ball catches your eye.
Ball = life
Hitler Is Judged Very Harshly By History, But...
He did kill Hitler.
Joke credit to Jimmy Carr on QI
Superman Is Flying Around, Super Horny.
He's flying over a building when he sees Batgirl on the roof, totally naked, legs spread, moaning, "Give it to me. Give it to me!" Superman thinks he might get in trouble with Batman if he bangs Batgirl, but she's begging for it and he can just use his super speed to get the job done quick. So he does. He flys down to the roof and, super fast, humps the hell out of Batgirl. He's done in a few seconds and, wanting to avoid any confrontation, flys off just as fast. Batgirl is shocked. "What the hell was that?!?!" "I don't know but it hurt like hell", says the invisible man.
Two Tachyons Are Sitting In A Gaming Cafe When A Normal Particle Walks In.
The first tachyon looks over its shoulder and says, "Fucking causals."
Only Certain Professionals Can Get Away Saying These
👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
👔Lawyer: "Let's go over sec69."
💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
👮Police: "You don't need protection."
🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!😜😆😆 }
With Turkey Shooting Down That Russian Plane..
I guess Putin will be cooking Turkey for thanksgiving..
I Have Developed A Truly Marvellous Demonstration Of Fermat's Last Theorem ...
which this post is too short to contain
Here's A Funny Joke Based On The Word Avocate In French.
The word avocate in french means two things, avocado, and lawyer. Why? Because both of them are expensive and slimy on the inside. Sorry if anyones a lawyer... or an avocado.
A Skinny Girl And An Overweight Girl Are Standing In Line On Friday Morning.
As the Walmart manager unlocks the door, skinny girl says, "remember, black Friday lives matter."
A Young Couple On Holiday Was Driving Through The English Countryside
A young couple on holiday was driving through the English countryside when they approached the gates of a monastery. A sign on the gates announced “Public lunch served daily. Fish and chips our speciality.” The couple were quite hungry and, seeing that the noon hour had just passed, they decided to take advantage of their good luck and drive up the winding road to the refectory, where lunch was being served. They both ordered and quite enjoyed their fish and chips. They agreed that it was the best they had ever tasted. In fact, they were so pleased that they decided to find their way to the kitchen so they could compliment the chef who had prepared such a splendid meal. They walked down a long cobble stoned hallway, through brass-riveted oak doors and into the mossy and dimly-lit kitchen. There they saw a wizened and hunched little man tending to pots and pans by the hearth. “Excuse us.” they inquired. “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replied. “I’m the chip monk.’
I Recently Came Out As Pansexual.
But I'm only attracted to cast iron.
I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.
I guess it's true what they say:
"Once you go black, you never go back"
Even With 4 Million Subscribers, /r/jokes Sounds Like A Big Empty Hall.
I can hear jokes echoing again and again.
Series Of Romanian Alinuta Jokes.
Sup ya'll! I've translated some dark Romanian jokes about a girl named Alinuta. Any other Romanians who know more please share!
-Brother: Mom, Alinuta hung herself in the basement! Mom goes and looks to find nothing. Mom: She's not there. Brother: April fools! She's in the attic!
-While Alinuta's brother is watching tv, she quickly moves passed the screen. Brother: Hey! Get out of the way! Alinuta again moves passed the screen, blocking her brothers view for a second. Bother: Stop getting in the way! Alinuta moves across the room again, blocking his screen. Infuriated with his sister blocking his TV, Alinuta's brother calls their mom to resolve the problem. Brother: I want to watch TV but Alinuta keeps moving in front of the screen. Mom: oh it's cause she hung herself.
-"Alinuta stop playing with the scissors! You're going to spill your fingers on the floor again!"
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
What Face Does A Syrian Make When He Has A Bad Day?
Assad one.
On a side note, I hope prosperity upon all the Syrians who have been displaced.
An Engineer In Hell
One day, an engineer dies. He goes before St Peter and is told that he'll be spending eternity in Hell. So, he goes to Hell, looks around and says to Satan: 'This place sucks'.
The engineer gets to work building a functional fresh water system, air conditions the whole place, builds a sewerage system, a reliable, renewable energy system, he creates a functioning public transport system and regulates wages so that the demons have time off, overtime, and casual Fridays.
Then, one day, God discovers that there's been a mistake and the engineer was supposed to go to Heaven. So God goes to Hell and tells Satan that he's taking the engineer. Satan tells God to fuck off. 'Why would I give this guy back to you? He's awesome. Before you sent him here it was uncomfortable, smelly, dirty and just downright horrible. He's made it great.'
God stares Satan straight in the eye and says: 'If you don't give him back, I'll sue you.'
To which Satan replies: 'And where are you going to get a lawyer?'
Before And After Marriage
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)
Why Did 2pac Go To The Gym?
So he could become 8pac.
To clarify, my 11 year old niece told me this. Thought this sub needed to lighten up a bit.
Two Drunks Are Walking Along...
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
My Friend Is Such An Idiot..
thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face -_-
Two Little Boys Decided To Split A Bag Of Oranges In A Cemetery
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunk man on his way home from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby.
"Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery."
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What about the two at the gate?"
What Did The Gangsters Son Tell His Dad When He Failed His Examination
Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination? A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything.”
A Cuban A Russian, An Englishman And A Pakistani Are Sitting Together On A Train
After a while, the Cuban takes out a cigar, drags on it for a bit, and tosses it out the window, everyone is suprised
"Don't worry" says the Cuban "Weve got lots of them where I come from"
A little later, the Russian takes out a bottle of Vodka, takes a few swigs, and tosses it out the window, everyone is ssuprised
"Don't worry" says the Russian, "Weve got lots of them where I come from"
Then the Englishman throws the Pakistani off the train.
Best Irish Joke Ever.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
New Tattoo
My wife has a new tattoo. its a shell on the inside of her thigh. when i put my ear to it i can smell the sea...
Learning To Ride A Bike Is Like Losing Your Virginity...
No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
My Friend Pronounces "quantum" As "condom" (learning English)
Condom Mechanics
Condom Physics
Condom Theory
Condom Computers
I Swear He Can Fly!
A man is working in his office building. It's about 5:30 PM, and the man is about to get off work, when his boss suddenly rushes in and tells him that his wife is in the hospital and is in labor. The man rushes out of the building, drives to the hospital, and breaks into the room. Before the man can do anything, the doctor exclaims, "Wait a second, before you do anything, I need to tell you something. YOUR BABY CAN FLY! Let me show you," So the doctor grabs the child, holds him a foot off of the operating table, and lets go. The baby lands on the metal table with a soft thump. The man is outraged, but the doctor says "WAIT A SECOND! Just give me a chance!" Before the man can react, the doctor grabs the kid and drops him from 6 feet above the floor, and he lands with a hard thud. One last time the doctor screams, "LET ME SHOW YOU MY MAGIC!" He then flings open the window and chucks the baby out. The child does a 1080 flip and slams into the windshield of a parked car, shattering it. The man is now in tears, and he is about to beat the everloving shit out of the doctor, when the doctor says "HAHA! Im just joking with you man, the kid was stillborn."
Monday, August 21, 2017
A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Alligator's Head.
A man walks into a bar with the head of an alligator, he then plonked it on the stool, pulled out his dick an put it in the alligator's mouth. He then proceeds tk slam his hand down on the alligator. He then smiled and turned to the crowed and asked : " Anyone wanna try?
An old lady raised her hand and said " Just don't hit me that hard"
Everything Is Funnier...
Everything is funnier when you're not allowed to laugh. holds a giggle in [http://minestatus.co/post.php?id=630]
Last Night My Girlfriend Fell Asleep Before Me, So I Decided To Lick Her Pussy Until She Woke Up.
This morning she asked why the cat seemed afraid of me.
A Very Drunk Person Is Trying To Leave A Bar...
He asks the barman, "Can you call me a cab?"
The barman answers: "Of course sir - you're a cab."
On The Way To Work...
A man was walking to work on a day, just like any other, when he notices a new business opened overnight on his normal route. Proudly displayed in the front windows are signs proclaiming "Singing Blowjob: $5". The man was intrigued to say the least and all day he couldn't wrap his mind around what a "singing blowjob" could be. As soon as he got off work he went straight to the store, walked in, and ordered himself a singing blowjob. Minutes later a beautiful woman walks out and leads him to a room in the back and instructs him to sit down and remove his pants, as soon as he does the lights go out and he feels the woman "go to work", about a minute in the man hears the most beautiful, incredible, operatic singing he has ever experienced, all while this same woman is going to work. After the man finishes he walks home in a daze and does his evening routine on autopilot while he attempts to unravel this mystery. He spends all night laying in bed unable to sleep, and resolves to call in sick to work and head down to this store as soon as they open, bringing a flash light this time. He goes through the the same process as before, this time however as the same woman leads him back to the same room and starts to sing to him like before he shines his flashlight around the room but all he can see is a glass eye sitting on the table.
Whats The Difference Between A Girl And A Washing Machine?
When I dump a load in the washing machince, it doesnt follow me around
So, Anakin Thought Padme Was Cheating With Obi Wan.
It seems he found her lack of faithfulness disturbing
Yo Mama!
What's the difference between your mama and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out!
A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."
A Man Walks Into A Library And Goes Up To The Front Desk.
He says to the librarian, "Hello, I'll have a Big Mac, Coke, and fries please."
She looks at him confusedly and says, "Sir, this is a library."
He replies in a whisper, "Oh. Sorry. I'll have a Big Mac, Coke, and fries please."
A Duck Walks Into A Pub And Orders A Pint Of Beer And A Ham Sandwich.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
Too Literal
I met this girl at a bar who told me she loved excitement. I took her home that night and gave her a slideshow of my vacation pictures. She rejected me halfway through and walked out without even saying so much as a "goodbye". My roommate walked in and asked what I did to drive her away. I said " I don't know. I thought I was showing her a good time."
Women Don't Deserve To Be Paid As Much As Men And Should Stay In The Kitchen.
I'd go on, but that's the misogyngist of it.
What's The Difference Between A Group Of Midget Scientists And A Female Track Team?
One is a group of cunning runts, while the other is a bunch of running c***s.
Wasn't sure whether thst word would be offensive, so I censored it. I think you get it anyway.
Also if the feminazis get me, I bequeath my belongings to reddit.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Cows
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom.
Duct Tape Is A Lot Like The Force
It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory...
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
Once Upon A Time....
There lived a Multi Grain Cheerio, who was deeply in love with a Frosted Cheerio. So one day he asked to her to the prom she said "No, I'm sorry, but I only date Honey Nut Cheerios." Yet the Multi Grain Cheerio was not swayed. He once heard of a farm that could change a persons Cheerio type. So he set out on his journey. Once he got to the farm he found an old man. He asked the old man to change him into a honey nut cheerio. The old man said "No I cannot turn you into a honey nut cheerio but I can turn you into a Fruity Cheerio, if you work on my farm for 5 years' the Multi grain cheerio accepted. After the 5 years were up he went to ask the Frosted Cheerio out again to the prom but received the same answer of "No, I'm sorry, but I only date Honey Nut Cheerios." Not yet done he went back to the farm and asked once again to be changed to a honey nut cheerio the old man said "no I cannot turn you into a honey nut cheerio but I can turn you into a Apple Cinnamon Cheerio, if you work on my farm for 5 years" so again he works on the farm for 5 years. After the five years were up he went back to the Frosted Cheerio yet alas she said the same thing as before "No, I'm sorry, but I only date Honey Nut Cheerios." He almost gave up but went back to the farm and asked for the last time the old man responded with "sure why not work on my farm for 10 more years I'll turn you into a honey nut cheerio" after the ten years are up he rushes to the girl and asks her the prom. She says yes. At the prom the girl get thirsty so the guy goes to the concessions stand and waits for 20 minutes in line for soda but by the time he gets to the front the soda is gone. He heads back to the girl and explains that there was no soda. She was like whatever just get me some water. He head back to the stand and waits in line for 20 minutes and by the time he was at the front the water was gone. He goes back to the girl and she was just like just get me some punch. He goes back to the stand. There was no punch line.
A Man Really Wanted A Bike, So...
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
I Want To Start A Charity Where Terminally Ill People Can Request To Sleep With Hollywood Celebrities...
I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"
A Black Ghetto Man Walks Into A McDonalds (offensive/tasteless)
He notices the girl cashier has a black guy and bruises on her face.
"What can I get you, sir?"
"YES I'D LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND LARGE FRIES AN--"
"Sir, why are you shouting at me??"
"Because you obviously have a hard time listening, bitch!"
How Many Redditors Does It Take To Post A Joke To /r/jokes?
Only one.
/r/Jokes is widely known to be a breeding ground for new, original jokes.
A Couple Are Trying To Set A Password For Their Joint Bank Account
The guy, Joe Smith, jokingly puts in "mycock" and gets "error, password is not long enough"
Girfriend laughs at him. He says "stop laffing at me you stupid ho".
Girlfriend tries to be simple and puts in her name, "wendysmith". She gets "error- password is too easy"
Boy laughs.
He decides to end it and types in "smithfamily". The computer says "error- password requires 2 more characters"
The boy freaks out and looks at his girlfriend and says "nuh uh... we are not having kids!"
A Couple Are Trying To Set A Password For Their Joint Bank Account
The guy jokingly puts in "mycock" and gets "error, password is not long enough"
Girflriend laughs at him. He says "stop laffing at me you stupid ho".
Girlfriend tries to be simple and puts in her name, "wendysmith". She gets "error- password is too easy"
She gets fed up and types in "smithfamily". The computer says "error- password requires 2 more characters"
The boy freaks out and says "nuh uh... we are not having kids!"
What Is The Difference Between A Group Of Mexicans And A Drummer?
One disturbs the neighbors, is often associated with drugs, and can bang pretty hard.
The other plays the drums.
Falling Rock
This is the story of Falling Rock.
Many hundreds of years ago, an old, old Native American chief lived in the valleys somewhere in America. This chief had the most beautiful daughter named White Doe. Every man in the tribe wanted to wed the daughter of the Chief, but could never muster up the courage to do it.
By chance, two of the men in the tribe mustered up the courage to ask the chief for permission to marry White Doe at the same time. One was named Winding River, and the other was named Falling Rock. They were of equal skill level and physical strength, so the Chief could not pick one to marry his daughter. He had a clever idea. He said to the two men, "Whichever of you goes out into the wilderness and brings me a white doe first can marry my daughter, White Doe."
This task was extremely difficult because the deer that had to be found was female and albino, which is the rarest kind of deer. Both men would not back down from the challenge, though. Winding River went off to the plains to find a white doe. Falling Rock went up into the mountains to look for a white doe.
A few months later, Winding River returned empty-handed and out of luck. Falling Rock had not been back for two years, and the tribe was getting worried. The chief decided to find Falling Rock and marry his daughter to him because of his bravery and persistence in finding a real life white doe. So he sent out search parties in the mountains to look for him.
All of the searches turned up empty. Falling Rock was never found. Legend has it that Falling Rock is still being searched for in the mountains today. That is why many road and trail signs say "Watch Out for Falling Rock." Next time you are in the mountains, be sure that if you see Falling Rock, you will show him the signs and remind him that there are people still looking for him back at his tribe, and that his bride awaits.
Contagious.
Teacher: Can someone use the word Contagious in a sentence?
Student raises hand "I can" My dad said he saw my neighbour painting his house with a three-inch brush. Said its gonna take the cunt ages.
Did You Hear? The Invisible Man And The Invisible Woman Just Had A Son.
In all honesty, he's not much to look at
Two High-school Science Teachers Are Having A Workplace Affair
They stand across from each other on a workbench filled with testubes and liquids and other science tools.
The man says "I'm sorry, Meredith, I'm going to have to break this up. There's just no chemistry between us"
Pregnant Woman Gets A Leaky Faucet
A very pregnant single woman gets a leaky faucet so she calls a plumber who gets to work immediately in the bathroom upstairs. The woman goes into labour downstairs and yells "omg my water broke!"
The plumber, focused on his job, yells from upstairs "Yes ma'am I know, I'm working on it"
The plumber, misguided, didn't realize the woman was pregnant and continued to fix the pipe. The woman did not receive any help and was forced to deliver the child in her own home.
How Many Millennials Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
100.
1 to do it, and 99 to stand around saying the old one was better.
A Girl Named Daffodil Asked Her Mother A Question
"Mom," the girl inquired, "Why am I named Daffodil?"
Her mother replied, "Simply because a daffodil fell on your head when you were born."
Then, Daffodil's sister, Rose, who was standing in the same room and had overheard the conversation the two were having, asked her mother why she was named Rose.
The mother replied "It is merely because a rose fell on your head when you were born."
Lastly, the girls' brother (who just happened to be in the room as well and had also overheard the conversation) asked his mother "HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEERHAAAAAAAAAAA?!?"
The mother answered "SHUT THE FUCK UP BRICK!!!"
Two Explorers Visit Lapland Once Per Year
And every year they make their way up to Santas Grotto in a hope to see him in the flesh, but they never do. Then always take the exact same route and track the distance. After 10 years of taking the same trip, they notice that the distance to his grotto increases by around 2 miles per year. One explorer turns to the other and says, "Why does it take longer to visit the Grotto each year?"
The second explorer responds, "well why do you think he is called Farther Christmas?"
That Escalated Quickly
Texted a friend of mine who had failed in english. Le me: Bro, I heard that you failed in English?
Le friend: Who telled you this? This is unpossible, I sawed the result yesterday, I Passed away.
Fuck.
The Hypnotist
A woman, self conscious about her small breasts, goes to see a plastic surgeon one day. The doctor tells her that he would like to try a different course of treatment and would like to refer her to a hypnotist. "I think you could benefit from a non surgical approach", he says, "instead of surgery he hypnotizes the body part you need changed!" Doubtfully she checks it out. The hypnotist sits her down, puts her in a trance and gives her instructions she'll remember any time she feels self conscious. After the session she leaves and heads to the store. She's shopping when she sees an attractive blonde and suddenly she's compelled to flap her arms and says "Mary had a little chest that made her feel so low, but every time she flapped her arms, her tits began to grow." And just like that they increased in size! A man walks up to her after seeing this and asks "did you go to see that corrective hypnotist guy?" "Yes" she replied "how did you know?" Knocking his knees together he chants "hickory dickory dock!"
Saturday, August 19, 2017
A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."
Uh Oh Doctor!
A man went to a hospital and saw a doctor running wildly, chasing one of his patients. The doctor kept on chasing but couldn't catch the poor fella. The man getting curious asked the doctor why he was chasing his own patient. The doctor, all out of breath, said in a growling tone: "That son of a bitch comes everytime to me, saying he has pain in his balls"
The man, replied :" Isn't it a part of your job, you're a fuckin Urologist aka doctor of Dicks and balls!!!"
The doctor got irritated and said:" Yes, but i am not a barber you idiot. He just comes here to get his balls shaved"
The man: Speechless!
So A Father And Son Are Sitting Outside An Icecream Shop.
And three women walk out, one licking, one sucking and one biting the icecream cone. The father asks the son, "which one of those girls is married?" The son replies "obviously the one sucking the cone" "No son, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Sorry for grammar. I smart
So This Deaf Japanese Guy Is Sitting In A Diner...
So this deaf Japanese guy is sitting in a diner and suddenly sirens are going off. An old woman named Shima yells, "Get to the bomb shelter!" They come back up after the all clear and see the deaf man killed in the blast. Guess he didn't hear ol' Shima.
My Friend Asked Me How I Know The Smell Of A Wet Dog Since I'm A Muslim And Can't Have One
I told him my girlfriend is a Christian.
If I Had A Dollar For Every Woman Who Found Me Unattractive...
They would eventually find me attractive
A German Visits Poland.
A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.
The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"
The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.
3 Dogs Are In A Vet's Office
3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
A Guy Named Harry, A Guy Named Joe, And A Guy Named Richard Go To The Top A Cliff
They visit an old hermit that lives on top of this cliff, overhanging a lake, due to myths of this hermits magical powers. When they arrive, the hermit greets them and says, "if you jump off of this cliff, anything you yell is what you shall transform into." Well Harry goes right for it, as he jumps off he yells, "billionaire!" And he crashes into the water and comes back up with a diamond embroidered tux on and Rolex watch. Richard follows closely after. "Woman!" He yells. And he emerges from the depths a beautiful women. Joe is a little less confident. As he creeps towards the edge of the cliff, he slides on some loose rocks and cascades off of the edge. Out pure fear, he screams for help, "HARRY, DIIIIICK!" And Joe is now a Hairy dick.
I Went To A Library...
and asked the librarian if they had a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said, "Well it rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's there or not."
Although Bugs Bunny Starred In Many Cartoons, Why Did He Die A Pauper?
He ate all the cabbage he made.
Friday, August 18, 2017
A Kid Comes Home After School
A kid comes home after school and shows his father his grade book. The father looks at it and looks back at the kid and angrily says "You got an F today? Well, you are grounded. And if you don't get a good grade tomorrow you are not my son anymore!"
The next day the kid comes home again. The father says "What grade did you get today?" and the kid replies "Excuse me, who the fuck are you?"
Two Black Guys Walking Across The Golden Gate Bridge
They see the water, and both realize they need to take a piss. They stand on the edge, and start going. One turns to the other and says, "Goddamn this water is cold!" The other one responds, "Yeah, and it's deep, too!"
rip Richard Pryor
What's The Difference Between Committing Seppuku And Impaling Yourself With A Sword?
They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.
Riding The Subway At 2am...
So I was in New York last night walking in this long corridor going to catch the last subway at 2am.
The corridor was empty except for this one girl a few meters in front of me. She was constantly giving the look over the shoulder but I didn't make a big deal out of it.
She starts to pick up the pace so I think ''AH! She must be hearing the train coming". So, I pick up the pace too. Next thing I know we're both running down the corridor and I'm gaining on her and that's when it downs on me. ''Oh, she's running AWAY from me... She thinks I'm a rapist.'' At this point I wanted to go talk to her but it would have been even weirder explaining to her that I chased her down at 2am just to tell her I wasn't going to rape her.
Credit : John Mulaney
A Blue Whale Produces 400 Gallons Of Sperm When He Ejaculates... [NSFW]
And you wonder why the sea tastes so salty...
Arab Man Gets On A Bus And A Jewish Woman Scoffs And Pinches Her Nose....
Arab says, youve got the problem lady, Ishmael good
*OC, Dont hate, probably not as bad if you verbalize it.
A Black Man, A Jew And A Hispanic Man Walk Into A Lab...
...and do science, because science doesn't discriminate.
A Guy Goes The Video Store...
Excuse me, could I rent Batman Forever?
Sorry but you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
:(
A Guy Went To The Doctor And The Doctor Told Him He Was Going To Have To Stop Masturbating.
The patient asked, "Why doctor?"
The doctor said, "Because I'm trying to give you an exam right now!"
*Not my joke, but I always liked it
Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time You Are Near.....
Because your an asshole that's why, dickweed
A Friend Of Mine Just Started His Own Business In Afghanistan..
making land mines that look like prayer mats. He's doing very well, business is booming and Prophets are going through the roof.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Cock Dippers!
A Chinese, an American and a Nigerian were out by the pool.
The American dips his cock in the water and says " It seems that the temperature of this pool water is 85 degree fahrenheit."
To test this, the Chinese dips his cock in the water and says " To be accurate, the temperature of the pool is 86.5 degree fahrenheit."
The Nigerian then gets up and dips his cock in the pool. " I don't have any idea about the temperature of this pool" he says, " but the depth of this pool is 3.5 feet"
My Girlfriend Hates It When I Use The Excuse, "you're Allowed To Look At The Menu As Long As You Don't Order"...
mainly because I only tell her that when we go out to eat.
Penguin Riddle
Two penguins are in a desert. One looks to the other and says, wares your paddle. The other says, sure does.
My Relationships Are Like A Reddit Safe Pic.
Starts off with great anticipations. No responses for a while. Then ends in empty promises and disappointment.
The Time I Met A Leprechaun In A Bathroom
Let me tell you about the day I grew up. I was in a bar restroom at the urinals getting rid of my daily intake of beer when in walks in the shortest guy I had ever seen. I thought to myself as he approached the urinal that there was no way that he would be able piss in the "adult" urinal, but he surprised me when pulled out the biggest cock that I had ever seen and wrapped it over the lip like a true fire house. My jaw involuntarily dropped open for a second, and I managed to spit out the question of how in the hell he has such a big cock, completely ignoring my til then lifelong rule of not talking to another guy who has his dick in his hand.
The little man finishes up and tucks his beast away and says "Well, you caught me. I am a leprechaun. You get to make three wishes."
I quickly gushed "I wish for a big dick like yours, all the money I could ever need or want, and to never have a worry again."
"Done," he said. "But given how big of wishes you are making, I will be demanding something in return. In order for your to get those wishes granted, you must let me fuck you in the ass in that there stall."
For the second time in that bathroom my mouth stood agape. I thought about it for a while and convinced myself that for all that money it was worth it.
So I let the leprechaun fuck me in the ass in a small bar stall. And when he was done he said "Aren't you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?" as he walked out the door. And that was the day I grew up.
Apple And Google Are Both Working On Self Driving Cars.
Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
The Teacher Asked Jimmy, "Why Is Your Cat At School Today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today"
A Lady Walks Past A Pet Storr
A lady walks by a pet store on her way to work. There's a parrot in the window, and it yells "hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman brushes it off and keeps walking. The next day on her way to work, the woman walks past the store. The parrot, still in the window, says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" At this point, she's had enough. She walks into the store and confronts the owner. "Your parrot has been offending me, can you do something about it?" The owner obliges and goes up to the parrot. "Hey, you can't say that anymore," and leaves it at that. The following day, the woman walks past the store. Again, the parrot is in the window. The parrot yells out "Hey lady! ... you know.."
Did You Hear About The New Bernie Sanders Drinking Game?
Every time he mentions a new free government program you drink someone else's beer.
Cockroach Logic
A cockroach can make your girl scream louder than you can. Hence the first part of its name.
Last Night I Finally Talked My Partner Into Trying Anal!
It was pretty good after the initial weirdness but today I cannot stop my farts.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
"Most Adults Are Hiding At Least One Dark Secret!!!"
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
A Guy Had A Girlfriend Named Windy. He Had Tattooed Her Name On His Dick.
So, he goes to a bar one day and visits toilet to pee. There's a black guy in next Urinal. He unintentionally peeks at black guy's dick.
He sees that black guy also has a tattoo on his dick that reads 'Windy'. The guy is shocked.
Hey, look I also have tattooed Windy on my dick. Is your girlfriend's name also Windy ?
Black guys, "Nope. My tattoo reads, 'Welcome to Indianapolis, Enjoy your stay."
(English isn't my first language, pardon me if I messed up something.)
Last Night I Had An Erotic Dream About The Blonde One In Abba...
It was great, but it would have been even better if it had been the female one.
Guys, I Finally Had Sex! I'm No Longer A Virgin!
Now all I need to do is return the body by morning.
How Many Redditors Does It Take To Make A Good Joke?
Three. One to post it, the second to post a better punchline in the comments, and the third to complain that it's a repost.
Two Men Are Driving Down The Road....
A police officer pulls them over and approaches the car. He knocks on the window and they roll it down.
The officer says "excuse me gentlemen we are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The driver rolls the window up for a moment and converses with his passenger. After a moment he rolls the window back down.
"OK officer, we'll do it."
People Say Motorcycles Are Bad, But I Disagree
After all, I just got all my daily protein on the way home! Incidentally, did you know it's flying ant season?
Long Long Ago
a american tourist came to saw tazmahal , he was astonished that indian are daily bathing didn't need a deodorant for hide the body odour, ,,, he is so jealous
An Old Man Walks Up To A Priest, Doctor, And A Lawyer...
and says "I'm going to die soon," He hands all three of them an envelope. "Inside each of these envelopes is 100,000 dollars. When I die, I want you 3 to put the 100,000 dollars in my casket because I want to die with the rest of my wealth." The three men gave their word and promised they would put the money in his casket.
A few days later, the old man dies and the men payed their respects and slipped the envelope in the casket. After the funeral the trio met up.
The priest begins with "Hey, I'm feeling pretty guilty. There was only 70,000 dollars in the envelope. The church needed some repairs."
The doctor replies "I'm not feeling guilty. I took 50,000 dollars because I wanted a new sports car. Its not like he can use the money anyways."
The lawyer yells at the both of them. "How could you two take the money? I am ashamed at you. You gave your word! I may have taken all the money, but I left him a check for 100,000 dollars!"
An Italian Guy Is Out Picking Up Chicks In Roma
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No. I’m Swedish.”