My Friend Told Me He Was Going To A Fancy Dress Party As An Italian Island.

I said to him 'Don't be Sicily

Getting Your Prostate Checked [NSFW]

So my friend had to get his prostate checked. We all know about the finger up there... Well before he left his dad told him, "If the doctor has one hand on your shoulder, that's fine, but if you see two up there something's wrong!"

Why Don't Women Parachute Naked?

Cause they would whistle on the way down

I Came Back From Vacation With A Serious Addiction

...to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.

I Heard A Rumour That Cadbury Is Bringing Out An Oriental Chocolate Bar. Could Be A Chinese Wispa.

My Wife Told Me To Stop Singing Wonderwall

I said "Maybe"

What's Whitney Houston's Favorite Type Of Coordination?

HAAAAAAAND EYYEEEEEEEE

My Jewish Friend Told Me About Krav Maga....

To which I replied "is that some sort of a legal term?"

Two Muffins Are Sitting In An Oven

one muffin looks at the other and says "Man its hot in here" the other muffin looks back ans says "Holy Shit a talking Muffin"

My Wife: "vacation Sex Really Is The Best!"

Worst postcard I ever received.

Why Are Monkeys Such Great Friends?

Because they're prime mates!

What Did The Salmon Say To His Shy Japanese Girlfriend?

Don't be koi.

Kylie Jenner Walks Into A Restaurant

Kylie Jenner walks into a restaurant where she has made a reservation. The waiter greets her politely, and says, "Right this way Mrs. Jenner" and begins leader her to her table. "Please," she says, "Mrs. Jenner is my father. Call me Kylie.

What Has Nine Arms And Sucks?

Def Leppard

Apple Just Released A Range Of Stripper

iCandy

Did You Hear About The Gardener That Had An Aneurysm?

He's currently in a vegetative-state.

Why Did Little Timmy Fall Off His Bike?

Because someone threw a canoe at him !

I Told A Waitress She Was Much Prettier Without Glasses

so she set down her tray of drinks.

The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to give them to accept the mission.

They called the Indian man in first, and then asked him how much of a bonus he wanted to join the program. "One thousand dollars!" he declared. When they pressed him for why, the Indian replied that he had a large family to feed, with eleven children, and the money would be needed to care for them.

Next, they called in the Malay man and asked him the same question. "Two thousand dollars!" was the response. When they asked him why, the Malay replied that he had just started a business, and he needed the money for the business to survive without him.

Finally, they called in the Chinese man. When the question was asked, the Chinese man thought for a while, then said "Eleven Thousand."

"Eleven Thousand?!?" the interviewer asked, surprised. "Why so much?"

The Chinese man leant in close, and whispered:

"Five thousand for you, five thousand for me, and one thousand to send the Indian into space."

I Just Watched A Movie Where A Serial Killer Murders People Then Cooks Their Dead Bodies...

It was a heartwarming story from start to finish

What Is Worse Than Finding A Worm In Your Apple?

We all know the joke "What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?" - "Finding half a worm"

I asked this question in my office once and my colleague (without missing a beat) said "Cancer".

What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision?

A rip off

Why Had The Two Algae Never Had Sex?

Because they had a planktonic relationship.

I Went To The Shops To Get Eight Cans Of Sprite.

But when i was walking back i realized Id only picked 7 up

What's A Game In Which You Lose Every Time?

The Game.

Whats The Difference Between A Feminist And A Baby?

At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

edit: if you're a feminist and you're here to downvote the post and all the comments, that just gives more truth to the joke.

Son: Where Is My Fucking Jacket !?

Dad: Not sure which one you wear when you fuck...but the one you usually wear is in the closet.

Four Catholic Men And A Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee After Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist, and 34″ hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

Ordering A Cake Over The Phone

"And what would you like the cake to say?"

[covers phone to ask wife]

"Honey, do we want a talking cake?"

Two Women In A Shared Cell Were In The Prison For 15yrs. When They Were Freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

I Saw This Advert In A Window That Said:

"Television, 1$, volume stuck on full"

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

What's Grey And Comes In Quarts?

An elephant.

An 18 Y/o Boy Getting A BJ From And 80 Y/o Woman And A Tightrope Walker Have The Same Thought...What Is It?

Don't look down!

My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

This Is A Riddle

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer. Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened? A: The customer had hiccups.

I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

What's Another Word For Dinosaur?

thesaurus

Lets Be Real Here, Everyone Has Laughed At A Child Falling Over In Public,at Least Once, Why ? Because Its Funny.

What Did The Ocean Say To The Other Ocean?

nothing they just waved? sea what i did there? im shore you didnt

I Went To See A Topless Ventriloquist Last Night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

Why Did The Bartender Put Laxatives In A Patron's Drink?

For shits and giggles

Found My Son And His Girlfriend Naked In His Room.

And I was like "Sex-education is so advanced now that they also give homework!"

What Would You Doooooooo?

for a klondike bar?

What Has Been Confirmed When Ariana Grande Spat On The Donuts?

She's a spitter, not a swallower.

What Is The Stupidest Animal In The Jungle?

the polar bear

My Dad Told Me This While We Were Changing Out Some Brakes

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.

The lady at the counter says "that'll be 7.99 plus tax"

"Tacks? The damn things don't even hold themselves on?"

Whats The Difference Between Bill Clinton And JFK

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

Did You Hear About The Freak Birth At Chernobil?

a baby was born with more eyes than teeth

Two Fish In A Tank. One Says To The Other...

"how do you drive this thing?"

I Bet You Haven't Heard Of This New Movie Constipation...

...it hasn't come out yet.

Apple Have Begun Making Prison Guards...

Apparently they like to lock up.

A Big Texan Stopped At A Local Restaurant Following A Day Roaming Around In Spain...

...While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served? They look like Spanish oysters!'

The waiter replied, 'Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are not oysters... they are called Cojones del Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A rare delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. Tomorrow, if you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins...'

Why Do They Refer To Network Ports As Female?

Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Because YOLO

How Did Helen Keller Lose Her Arm?

Trying to read the road signs!!!

Jack, Brad, And Russell Got Shipwrecked In An Island

and were captured by vicious tribesmen. They were brought to the Chieftain, to which they were ordered to go into the jungle, pick a fruit and gather 12 pieces of it and present it back. The three hurriedly went to the jungle. Jack and Brad returned together. Jack gathered 12 bananas, and Brad picked 12 blueberries. Upon presenting the fruits, the Chief then told the two: "I will let anyone of you live if you can shove the fruits that you bring into your ass without breaking it and breaking a facial expression". Jack was the first to try, halfway in his first banana, he twitched his lips, the Chief noticed and ordered that Jack's head be cut-off immediately. Brad is now feeling mixed emotions, sad and afraid because of what happened to Jack, but at the same time happy since he surely can shove 12 blueberries easily. And so he stepped in front of the Chief, and have been so far successful in dealing with the fruits. On his last blueberry, Brad suddenly twitched his lips which caught the eye of the Chief and was also executed. In heaven, Brad was welcomed by Jack. Jack said: " What happened man! That was so close!". Then Brad said: " Indeed man!, but I saw Russel panting towards the Chief, carrying 12 Jackfruits!"..

Does Anyone Know The Address Of The Admin Who Banned Doxxing? I'd Like To Give Them A Piece Of My Mind.

Like Most Movies.

My uncle showed me big things in his trailer.

I Was Playing Guitar

then my 2 year old took my guitar pick and dropped it somewhere.

"Where is my pick," I said.

He replied "Oink Oink! "

I repeated the question but got the same answer every time.

My Girlfriend Cheated On Me With The Pillsbury Dough Boy

Now she has a yeast infection.

What Do Fat People Wipe Their Butts With?

Toilet paper.

Why Was The Midget Fired From His Job?

He came up short on his register.

My Band

My band "Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.

What's The Difference Between A Pizza And A Jew?

A pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't. Oh, and that other thing.

Comedian Lee Nelson Threw Money At Sepp Blatter At A FIFA Conference As A Protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

Why Didn't Ken Get Barbie Pregnant?

Because he came in another box.

My Driving Instructor Told Me To Pull Over Somewhere Safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."

I Was Walking Through The Woods And Found A Suitcase Containing A Fox And Four Cubs...

I immediately called the RSPCA and told the lady on the other end.

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure," I said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase."

I Told My Dog To Heel...

So he went to the hospital and did all he could.

A Horse Walks Into A Bar...

The bartender says, "sorry we don't serve horses here."

The horse says, "Do you serve beer?"

The bartender replies, "well yes."

The horse sits down, "Then I don't see the problem here."

An American, A Japanese, And A Mexican Arrives To Heaven...

and they are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the American where he was born. The American says: "Born in the U.S.A.!" [Say that singing like Bruce Springsteen] St. Peter says: "Ok, you're going to hell 10 years and then we will see."

Now is the turn of the Japanese. The Japanese says: "Me born in Nippon" [Say that with Ms Swan's accent] St. Peter says: "Ok, you're going to hell 5 years and then we will see."

Now is the turn of the Mexican. The Mexican says: "Ese mi Peter, I come from México. [Say that with Speedy Gonzalez accent and don't forget to say Me-he-ko] St. Peter says: "Fine, you can enter heaven."

The American and the Japanese are shocked. "Why are you sending us to hell while this Mexican can enter heaven?" St. Peter answers: "Well, he already comes from hell."

If A Policeman Is Knocking On Your Door And You Have A Pile Of Dead Babies On Your Bed, What's The Hardest Thing To Hide?

Your erection.

I Heard Your Mom Got Fired From The Sperm-bank.

She was caught drinking on the job.

Two Factory Workers Are Talking - Funny Joke

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

What Was The Last Thing That Went Through The Hostages Head?

A bullet.

A Chicken Walks In To A Bar...

A chicken walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?" The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor." The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

Doctor I've Come In Because I Have A Heroin Problem

Patient: "Doctor, I've come in because i have a heroin problem."

Docor: "Ah, so you're ready to admit your addiction, and seek treatment right?"

Patient: "No i can't find a decent vein to shoot up with."

How Long Is A Chinese Name.

No, really, it is!

What Do You Call An Italian With A Rubber Toe?

Roberto

So You Think You're A Book Fan?

Have you ever gotten a paper cut on your balls? Thought not.

My Coworker Couldn't Decide Which Grandparents Should Be Her 2 Children's Legal Guardians, So I Said To Split Them Up.

Then you only have to decide who gets the top half, who gets the bottom.

What's Similar Between Drinking American Beer And Screwing In In A Canoe?

They're both fucking near water

How Did The Hipster Burn His Hand?

He touched the stove before it was cool.

Lemonaid

What kind of juice do you get from sick lemons?

LemonAIDS

Why Did The Can Crusher Quit His Job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Can Your Dick Touch Your Asshole?

A little boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The Grandpa replies, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says no. So the Grandpa says "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A little later Grandpa lights up a stogie. The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a puff off your cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy answers no, again. Grandpa says, "Then your not man enough to have a stogie."

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with an ice cream cone. Grandpa asks, "Can I try a little of that ice cream?" So boy asks "Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa replies, "Why yes son, my dick can touch my asshole." So the boy replies, "Good, then go fuck yourself."

A Young Boy Enters A Barber Shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Why Did Billy Drop His Ice Cream Cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

In The Harry Potter Universe, Where Do Wizards With Weird Sexual Fetishes Go?

AYN ALLEY

I Just Received A Discount Offer For A Brand New Guitar...

... no strings attached!

Sharknado 3 Jokes

A Gay Guy And A Cow?

What Did The Gay Guy Say To His Lover When They Were Going On Vacation?

"Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"

How Do You Make Holy Water?

Boil the hell out of it

Gay Guy's Partner Dies

This was told to me by my former assistant manager (who is gay).

A gay guy gets a call from the police saying his partner's body was found and he needs to come to the morgue to identify the body and confirm if it infact was him. He gets to the morgue and the mortician pulls the freezer drawer open and immediately the guy starts crying profusely. "Oh my god that's him, how could this happen?!". He continues to cry and the mortician let's him have a moment. He turns to the mortician and asks "can I touch him?". The mortician says yes and the guy starts stroking is partners face while still crying. He then asks "can I kiss him?". The mortician looks at the guy kind of strange but says yes anyway. The guy kisses the body while still sobbing away. He then asks "can I take him home?". The mortician thinks for a moment and since everything is cleared by the police he says yes. The guy then tries to carry the body out of the freezer drawer. He struggles for a moment and pauses and turns to the mortician and asks "can I cut him up into little pieces?" to which the mortician who was surprised asks " why the hell would you want to do that?" the guy replies "I want to turn him into a vindaloo curry so I can feel him dribble out my ass one more time".

Two Drums And A Cymbal Fall Off A Cliff

ba dum tsssshhh

How Do You Circumcise A Redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

How Do You Spot Will Smith In The Snow?

Just look for the fresh prints.

What Do You Do When Your Girlfriend Starts Smoking?

You slow down and add lubricant.

How Do You Drown A Hipster?

In the mainstream

I Don't Know What I Would Do If I Got To Greece...

...and couldn't get a single gyro.

Son Asks His Father...

Youngest Son: Dad, whats the difference between 'hypothetically' & 'reality'?

Dad turns to wife: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 million?

Wife: Of course! I would never waste such an opportunity.

Then Dad asks daughter: Would you sleep with Tom cruise for 1 Million?

Daughter: Yes He's my fantasy!

Dad asks elder son: Would you sleep with, Tom cruise for 1 million?

Elder Son: Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money!

Father turns to his younger son: You see son 'Hypothetically' we are sitting with 3 millionaires, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 sluts & 1 gay cocksucker.

Whats The Best Way To Go Cliff Diving?

without the body of water

A Priest, A Rapist And A Pedophile Walks Into A Bar.

He sits down and has a drink.

Immigrants Are Like Sperm

millions get in but only one works.

What Is The Fallacy About The Schrdinger Cat?

The cat knows.

I Just Broke Up With A Hoarder...

I'm the only thing she could get rid of

What Did Dracula Say To Frankenstein ?!?

I like Rape !! lol !!

Police Respond To The House Of A Man Who Beat His Wife To Death With A Golf Club...

The police begin questioning the Husband, who admits the fight started over his obsession with the game of golf.

"My wife has been up my butt about how much I've been playing golf...golf-this, golf-that...she wouldn't stop and I just snapped and started hitting her with my 3-Wood."

"My god," one of the cops ask, looking down at the wife's badly beaten body. "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband paused for a moment before answering...

"Give me a six."

My Dad Told Me We Were Going To Finger Lakes As A Family.

I asked him, "Who's Lakes?"

Why Does The Alphabet Like To Piss On The Periodic Table?

Because it's elemental pee!

Heard A Great Joke At Work Today.

Now if only I could remember it.

Dbz Joke

Yamaha won

TIL That According To Cunningham's Law The Best Way To Get The Right Answer On The Internet Is Not To Post The Wrong Answer, It's To Ask A Question.

A Cop Pulls Over A Guy In A Convertible Filled W/ Penguins...

So a motorcycle cop is weaving in and out of traffic and stumbles upon a guy driving a convertible with the top down. In the backseat, he sees 10 penguins. The cop signals for the driver to pull over, and when he approaches the car, he lays into the guy...

"What do you think you are doing? This isn't allowed! Take those penguins directly to the zoo!"

"OK, geez, sorry" the man says before driving off.

The very next day, the same motorcycle cop is weaving through traffic and in the distance sees the same man, in the same convertible, with the same penguins in the back seat. He quickly weaves up to the car and again signals for him to pull over.

The cop storms up to the drivers side of the car and screams at the man: "what are you doing?! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," the driver responded. "And today we're going to the movies."

(and then everyone died)

What Sucks About Being An Egg?

You get laid once, and it's by your mom.

Your Heart Cannot Be An American Hero

Because I am going to capture it

Been Taking My Cat To The Park For Leash Training.

TIL That According To Cunnilingus's Law The Best Way To Get The Right Answer On The Internet Is Not To Ask A Question, It's To Post The Wrong Answer.

Source

A Woman Is On Trial For Murdering Her Husband.

"So ma'am, first offender?" "No! First a Gibson, THEN a Fender."

Do You Know Why Santa Only Work On The 25th Of December?

Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)

Bill Cosby Walks Into A Bar

The rest is a blur!

Why Are Elephants Big And Grey?

Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.

What Does A Texan Do If He Breaks Up With His Girl Friend?

He dates his other sister.

What Did Batman Say Too Robin Before They Got In The Car?

Get in the car.

I Asked My Wife What My Rapper Name Should Be. She Suggested, "2-PAAQ"

2 pumps and a quiver.

:'(

Why Did The Perv Leave?

Because he came.

What Do Selfies Make Me Want To Do?

Shoot myself

What's The Difference Between Einstein And Kim Kardashian?

Einstein is famous for special relativity, Kim is famous for simple reality tv.

Reporter Doing An Interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:

"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as long as you live".

The old man laughed, and began to tell the story.

"One day, a long, long time ago I lost my goat on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find the goat. When we finally found the goat - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with the found goat. It was quite a scene."

The reporter was shocked, to say the least. But he pressed on... "I'm very sorry, sir... but I don't think our network can air that story. Perhaps you have another story with a happy ending that you could share with us?"

The old man laughed and said, "Ok, ok.... I have a better story for you that has a happy ending..... One day, a long, long time ago my neighbor lost his wife up on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find our neighbor's wife. When we finally found her - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with her. It was the best time of my life! What a party that was!"

The reporter was taken aback, shocked. He was getting frustrated and finally asked the old man "Let's try a different angle... Maybe you can tell me about somthing extremely sad that has happend to you that you will never forget as long as you live?"

The old man lowered his head, and tears began to swell in his eyes..... he paused momentarily, then said:

"One day, a long, long time ago I got lost on that mountain..."

One Time A Man Asked His Friend Fetty Wap What Time It Was...

Fetty Wap then checks his phone, and notices that the time is 5:38 pm. Knowing that his friend is accustomed to military time, Fetty tells him, "Hey man the time is...

17:38."

Worst Job In The World

As part of a new Reality TV program, the network sends a crew to find the person with the worst job in the world. They start with a guy who has to remove road kill from the highways. "This is nothing," he says, "My last job was marking landmines. Then a few days ago some guy came up to me begging for that job!"

So they track down the landmine marker out in the desert. They ask him what it's like to have the worst job. He says "This job isn't the worst - at my last job I had to dive in the sewer fixing pipes and looking for lost objects that would clog the system. I thought I'd be stuck there forever until last week when this guy begged me for the job."

So they head underground and find the sewer diver and ask him what it feels like to have the worst job in the world.

"Man, this job is a thousand times better than my last job. I got out of there so fast, I took the first job I could find!"

The producer looks at him, and says "You can't be serious! What job could be worse than road kill collector, landmine marker or sewer diver?"

"The PR rep for Bill Cosby"

Having Sex Is Like Playing Bridge.

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Why Isn't Helen Keller A Good Driver?

Because she's dead.

Do Lightbulbs Ever Think About Sex?

Only when they're turned on.

What Do All The Smiths In The Telephone Book Have In Common?

They all have telephones...

How Do You Know Your Friend Is Gay?

When his dick tastes like shit.

Why Didn't Cathy Keep The Extra Dollar Of Change At Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

Is The KKK A Good Source Of Potassium?

Yes, because they're all bananas.

What Does The Philosophy Major Say A Year After He Graduates?

"Would you like fries with that?"

My Friend Really Changed When She Became A Vegetarian

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

How Easy Is It To Stroll Along On Pies?

Well, it's no cakewalk.

How Does A Lesbian Pirate Ask For Sex?

"Scissor me timbers!"

What do you call a rapper's balls?

Tupac

Why Should You Never Put The Punchline In The Title?

Because it ruins the joke

How Many Nice Guys Does It Take To Replace A Light Bulb?

Nice guys don't replace light bulbs: they'll just stand around complimenting it, hoping to get it screwed.

What Is The Politically Correct Term For Mexicans?

Human Beans.

The New Name For Apple's Product

Iphone 7 then 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119, 120, 121, 122, 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141

Why Won't A Woman Sleep With You After A Date At Burger King?

Because you have to court her before you pound her.

Have you heard about these new super-sensitive condoms?

After the man leaves, they hang around and talk to the woman.

Did you know Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for christmas?

He said it was the best book he's ever read

A Boy Said To His Father One Day,

"Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician." His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."

Why Didn't John Travolta Go To Church On Sunday?

He had a Saturday Night Fever

A Dead Ringer

For years, the pastor at the local church would go up a rickety wooden ladder to ring the church bell three times a day. As the years passed, it became more and more difficult for him, so he posted a sign outside, "Bell ringer wanted". Months passed and no one had volunteered, until one day a man with no arms walked into the pastor's office and offered to ring the bell. The pastor blessed the man, but pointed out that there was no way for him to get up the ladder. The man quickly grabbed the ladder in his teeth and got up into the bell tower with no trouble at all. The pastor followed, impressed. He said, that is amazing, but in order to ring the bell, you have to grab the rope and swing it very hard. The man shook his head and said "Watch this". He leaned his head back and slammed it into the bell. The ringing of the bell was loud and true, the pastor was pleased to hear. "Sir that is amazing, but we have to ring the bell each hour a number of times equal to the number of the hour, I couldn't ask you to..." The man cut him off by banging out twelve perfect ringing paens. The pastor was very impressed. "This is all very good. One last thing... when a member of the church dies, we ring the bell for a solid hour..." The man steeled himself, leaned back, back, back and fell from the top of the tower, dead on the sidewalk below. Two old ladies rushed out of the church to see the commotion. One said "Do you know this man?" to which her companion replied "No, but his face rings a bell!"

A STEM major and a liberal arts major walk into a bar...

A STEM major and a liberal arts major walk into a bar. The liberal arts major does funny type of salute, so the STEM major asks him, "what are you doing?"

The liberal arts major replies, "I am Hitler and I am going to kill the Jews."

The STEM major kills the Hitler, the liberal arts major, and prevents the Holocaust.

The end.

A little boy has diarrhea...

He says to his mom, "Mom I need some viagra, i have diarrhea."

The mom, in disbelief, asks "why do you need that hunny?"

The son replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit wont get hard?"