...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Tuesday, January 31, 2017
A Teen Got A Fake ID And Went To Try It Out.
He picks out a 6-pack and walks nervously to the register. The cashier rings up the beer, "$9.88," and eyes the stubble on the teens face, "ID?"
Moment of truth; time to see if this is the second best $50 the teen ever sent to a Chinese website. The cashier takes the ID from the teen and flips it around to get a good look.
"Birthday: hmm only 22 huh?" He slides it through the scanner and winks at the teen. "We take extra precautions with the young ones, especially the boys."
The teen swallows hard and fumbles with his debit card, surprised by how thorough he's being checked.
"Strip down, and face front."
The panicked teen takes one look at the grinning cashier before dropping his shorts in compliance.
The cashier screams "I meant your debit card!" and quickly calls the police.
The teen was then arrested for public indecency and was tried as an adult.
Edit: tense
In England Butchers Price Meat By How They Smell...
...a good sirloin costs about 10 pounds per scent.
Weight Loss Program
Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..
A Ventriloquist Decides To Retire To And Buy A Farm.
So this ventriloquist decided he is going to retire and buy a farm. He sees a farm for sale from an old widowed farmer. He meets the farmer and learns his name is farmer Brown. The farmer is showing him around and the ventriloquist decides he will have a little fun with the farmer. As they walk past the chicken coop the ventriloquist throws his voice. Farmer Brown you need to take are eggs earlier instead of letting us sit on them so long. The Farmer is clearly stunned as the ventriloquist chuckles to himself. Next they go by the cow pen. The ventriloquist throws his voice again and goes Farmer Brown you should warm up your hands before milking us. The Farmer is clearly unsettled. They start to go a little farther and Farmer Brown looks at the ventriloquist and goes. Don't believe the sheep they are liars every last one of them....
What Do Tony Romo And A French Whore Have In Common?
They both do a great amount of sucking for four quarters.
I Want A Bf.
And by bf I mean Benjamin Franklin.
As in a hundred dollar bill.
I want a hundred dollar bill.
A Proton And A Neutron Are Walking Down The Street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron. Help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."
Three Men Go Into A Bar...
but the fourth guy cleared it. Looks like he's taking home the gold medal!
I love a good track & field competition.
A Man Joins The Foreign Legion...
...in an attempt to escape his past, he does the training, serves for 3 years with distinction and is selected for NCO training. Having passed at the top of his class, his instructor says he can have a reward 'Its been a while since I've been with a woman...' 'say no more' says the instuctor 'camel's in the stable, take as long as you need' so the guy goes to the stable, looks at the camel thinks for a minute and decides against it. Another 3 years pass and he does his senior NCO's course, again passing at the top of his class and again his instructor offering use of the camel. He thinks longer and harder this time, but again thinks better of it. 3 more years and he is selected for the officers course, which he passes top of the class and is offered the camel. 'Fuck it!' he says. Climbs over the gate, mounts the camel and lets 9 years of frustration out. He goes back outside and sees his instructor 'I wont wait 9 years before doing that again I tell you!' 'Do what' asks the instructor 'Fucking the camel' says the man 'fair enough' replies the instructor 'most blokes ride it to the brothel in town, but if thats what your into...'
Charlie Came To Work With Two Black Eyes Today.
"What happened to you"
"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."
"Who?"
"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling and pointing at her wedgie. I don't know what I was thinking. My hand shot out and I pulled her skirt out of her ass."
"You what !"
"She spun around and decked me square in my left eye."
"You didn't hit her back did you?"
"Of course I didn't. I just sat there stunned. After she turned around I...I don't know what I was thinking.."
"You what?"
"I tucked it back in."
Edit grammar
Monday, January 30, 2017
If You Are Willing To Jump Off A Bridge, Because Your Wife Cheated On You...
...just remember it is a pair of horns, and not a pair of wings.
When Ever I Make Eggs Benedict, I Always Serve It On A Hubcap.
Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
A Man Got Arrested For Assaulting Someone With A Defibrillator.
The victim said that he was gonna press charges.
A Man Died And Went To Heaven...
...As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all these clocks doing here?". St. Peter answered, "This is the wall of Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth possesses a lie clock, and every time you lie, the hand on the clock moves." "Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie". "Incredible" said the man. "Here you have Abraham Lincoln's clock. As you can see the hands have only moved twice, which means that he only lied twice in his life." "Where's Obama's clock?" "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Where Was Matthew McConaughey Headed In Those Lincoln Commercials?
Dunno but I'm sure he made all rights all rights all rights.
Hillary: After Benghazi Hearing I "Sat Around Eating Indian Food And Drinking Wine And Beer"
Christie: "Just another Tuesday morning for me."
I Would Imagine Paying Your Bills At A Library In Prague Has To Be Easy.
You know, with all of the Czech books and whatnot.
Hand Jobs And Ham Sandwiches
A guy walked into a sandwich shop, the sign behind the attractive female cashier said "ham sandwiches 10$, hand jobs 20$" The guy asked the cashier; "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" She smiled and said "yes" The guy says "wash your damn hands, I want a ham sandwich"
A Thermometer And A Graduated Cylinder...
are talking and the Cylinder keeps bragging about how smart he is. The Thermometer had enough of the bragging so he said:
You may have graduated, but I've got many degrees!
How Did The German Dad Scold His Son For Eating Too Much Frozen Dessert?
QUIT Häagen-Dazs ICE CREAMS!
I Was Going To Go Treat Myelf To A Nice, Luxurious Dinner.
Then, I realized that I didn't have an elf and eating food was the most exciting activity in my life.
What Did The Balding German Frau Exclaim When Her Husband Left Her?
Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!
Dad, I'm Not High I Swear!
says a kid to his dad, to which the dad replies: "Five minutes ago, you threw your hamster through the window screaming "Pikachu, I choose you!""
Are You Thirsty?
"Would you like something to drink?" She opened the fridge.
"We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper --"
"Spiders?"
"Spiders it is, then."
"No, that wasn't--"
But she was already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders.
Drug Test
Employer- we need to take your drug test to see if there are any drugs in your urine
Employee- I'll pass, you won't check my nose right?
Sunday, January 29, 2017
A NIGHT'S SLEEP
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”
I'm A Senior In College With 2 Semesters Left, And I'm Considering Picking Up A Minor
Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?
The Plight Of Fue Lancaster
The year is 2652, on a faraway planet meant for prisoners of a far ranging galactic war. Ever since Fue Lancaster was a boy he dreamed of escape. There were individual encampments dotting the planet, all of which were surrounded by 100 foot high concrete walls. If you looked hard enough, you could see that there were cracks all over the walls, from previous failed attempts at escape. The hope to escape had long fled the hearts of those surrounding Fue, but he was special, he was a survivor. Fue was a brilliant boy, and studied mechanical engineering his whole life, so that one day he could taste the sweetness of victory. Fue was able to feed his insatiable desire to escape by working in the scrapyard near his small hut in the encampment. He spent years on a secret project that he knew would one day lead him to freedom. After 10 years of hard work, Fue lancaster finished his project, a remarkable, and heavily armed jet fighter. He proudly looked upon his creation and decided he should name it after himself. It wasn't long after that fue took flight, and headed towards the wall. With the press of a small red button, the roaring of the flight engines on the missiles could be heard for miles. With the loudest boom fue had ever heard, he saw the wall crumble. He felt a new sensation in his face and realized that he was smiling for the first time. That smile soon faded when fue realized that the center of the wall was made of solid steel! With a mighty yawp, fue blasted roaring flames at the treacherous metal keeping him from his one desire of freedom. His yell did not stop until there was no more fire left. His heart raced as he waited for the smoke to clear. All of a sudden, his heart broke into a million pieces, and it was in that moment, that he realized, that Jet Fue L can't melt steel beams
Two Women Meet In Heaven...
One a young blonde the other a middle aged brunette. They are standing in line chatting with each other as they wait to get into heaven.
They older brunette asked: "How did you die? You're so young, it must've been tragic."
The blonde answered: "Oh, well I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, I just got really cold then it kind of felt like I was falling asleep then I woke up here. What about you?"
The brunette replied: "I had a massive heart attack, it was horrible. You see I was sure my husband had been cheating on me for weeks now. One day after leaving for work I came home after 20 minutes to surprise him and catch him in the act. But when I went inside he was sitting at the couch in his underwear confused. Still sure he had been cheating I started going through the house looking for the other woman. I checked the bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, closets, even the basement. There was no one to be found, but in the process I got so stressed and worked up I felt a massive pain in my chest fell to the floor and ended up here..."
Shocked the blonde pats her on the shoulder and says: "I'm sorry... But if you would have checked the freezer we would both still be alive."
A Hooker Is A Lot Like A Christmas Gift...
It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get.
Met A Hooker Who Said She'd Do Anything For $5
So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
Nobody Likes This.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
So There's This Frog That Decides He Wants To Update His Lily Pad...
Cause his old one's getting a little haggard, but he doesn't have enough money. So he goes into a bank, and goes to the loan officer (his name is Paddydack);
Paddydack: "Hi Mr. Frog, what can I do for you today?"
Frog: "I need a new lily pad."
Paddydack: "Well what do you have for collateral for your loan?"
Scrambling through his things, the Frog says: "Uhh, hmm, well I have this bottle cap that fell to the bottom of the pond, and I've got this shoe string.. and I've got a chunk of an old tennis ball.."
Paddydack: "Unfortunately those things don't count as collateral.."
Frog: "But this is all I have!"
Paddydack: "I'm gonna have to get my boss."
So the boss walks in, looks at the stuff, looks at the frog, and then finally at Paddydack, and says: "Those are knick-knacks, Paddydack. Give the Frog a loan!"
Two Russian Pilots In Syria
- Hi, what have you been doing today?
- Bombing the ISIS headquarters...
- Which one, the main headquarters?
- No man, the main headquarters is on the other continent...
A Child Asked His Father How Were People Born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
"My Night's About To Get Better Now That You're Turned On."
... said the student to his printer when he finished his essay.
What's The Difference Between A Conservative Priest And A Progressive Priest?
A progressive priest will give you a reach around.
A Husband And Wife
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing
because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Teacher And Student In Class
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework,
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Once There Was A King Who Had 10 Wild Dogs...
...He used them to torture and eat all the ministers who made mistakes.
Once, one of the ministers gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all… So he ordered for the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this..?
Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!" So the king agreed…
In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…
The guard was baffled… But he agreed… So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort to them.
When the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs as his punishment.
But when he was thrown in,
Everyone was amazed at what they saw.. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!
So the king, baffled at what he saw, said:” what happened to my dogs. !!!”
The minister then said;” I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service… Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all on the first mistake!”…
So the king realised his mistake
and
Got wolves instead.
A Woman Walks Into A Bank
The clerk looks up at her and realizes the woman has a fifty dollar bill stuck up each ear, worried, he goes to his manager.
"Oh that's Miss Henderson" the manager says, "Shes got a hundred dollars in arrears"
A Young Bull And An Old Bull...
A young bull and an old bull stood at the top of a hill, looking down upon the valley below where hundreds of cows were grazing.
"Hey! Let's run down this hill and fuck one of those cows!" exclaimed the young bull.
"No." stated the old bull. After a moment he continued "Let's walk down the hill and fuck all of them."
What Do You Get A Kid Without Arms For Christmas?
Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.
George Bush Was Visiting The Queen Of England...
when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".
The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?"
Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds "Well it would be me"
"Correct. Thank you very much Tony" says the queen.
Bush says "Ahh, you know, that's real clever, I might have to try that on some of my cabinet members. Thank you very much"
Bush is now back home in the U.S and calls Donald Rumsfeld to his office.
"Donald, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
Donald thinks long and hard and says "You know George, I'm not sure, but I'll give you an answer by tomorrow"
Bush agrees and lets Donald go.
Donald then gathers up the cabinet and asks them the question. Nobody knows the answer, and after many failed attempts somone speaks up and says "I know! lets ask Colin Powell! He's a smart man, he should know". So they call up Colin Powell.
They ask him, "Colin, we have an important question for you... if your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"
"You bunch of morons, it would be myself!" says Colin Powell.
"Ahhh!! We get it now!" says the members of the cabinet.
The next day Donald Rumsfeld approaches the president.
"Sir, I believe I have the answer to that question you asked me the other day." says Donald.
"Well ok, Donald, what is the answer?"
"Colin Powell!" says Rumsfeld
Bush looks at him for a second and gets up and yells "No you god damn idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
A Man Received The Following Text From His Neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect, I meant wifi not wife.
EXEPT FOR TWO THINGS
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet
What's The Difference Between The Average Yogurt And The United States Of America?
if you leave a yogurt alone for two-hundred years it'll develop a culture (also it can be fat free)
Friday, January 27, 2017
The Pope Gets Caught With Child Porn, He Says:
"Just looking at some old home videos at the Catholic Church".
Still a joke guys, I don't actually mean it. :D
Couples Doing It For The First Time
There's a couple going at it for the first time. After a while the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider". She does. Again, he says, "A little wider, Honey." The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. When he once again asks, "Can you open them just a little wider?" She finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?" He says, "No. I'm trying to get them out."
Groundhogs
Constipation is a bit like watching for groundhogs on Groundhog Day. You know spring is coming early, but that reclusive rodent is nowhere to be seen.
9 Years Ago I Asked The Girl Of My Dreams Out On A Date, Today I Asked Her To Marry Me.
She said no both times.
A Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...
A cop comes up to her car and asks for her license and registration. She opens up the glove compartment to get them out, when the cop notices the Smith & Wesson 32 cal. in the glove compartment. He says, "Um, ma'am, I hope you don't mind but I'd feel more comfortable if you handed over that revolver until we're done here." She's like "Sure, no problem." And she unloads it and hands it over. The cop is about to continue with his duties, looking over the registration, when he asks, "Now, that's the only weapon you have, right?" "Well...no, I have a semiautomatic rifle on the floor in the backseat." The cop sighs. "Well, could you hand that over please?" The woman agrees, reaches in the backseat, then hands over the semiautomatic. The cop takes it and puts it on top of the car with the S&W. He asks, "That's it, right?" The woman says, "No....one thing left...I have a sawed off shotgun in the trunk." She hands over the trunk key, the officer retrieves the shotgun, and it is put alongside the other weapons. He is now able to write his ticket feeling a little safer. He finds himself pondering why the woman has so many firearms, and stops in the midst of writing to ask, "Ma'am, what is it you're so afraid of?" To which the woman looks him dead in the eye, and without missing a beat, replies, "Not a goddamned thing."
2 Men Walk Into A Bar...
The first one says to the bartender, "I'll take a glass of H20, if you know what I mean!" The second one says, "I'll have H20 too," to the bartender.
The second man died after drinking it. (leave a comment if you don't get it)
SPOILER ALERT:
I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.
Saw A Hooker On The Street Who Said She'd Do Anything For $50.
I asked...What if I pay you with individual dollars as you do good.
She said, " let it rain."
Then out of the blue a thunderstorm hit.
She took all my money and ran.
;'(
A Kid Gets Onto His School Bus And Starts Annoying The Bus Driver...
The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!' kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!"
Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up"
Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!"
finally the driver gets annoyed and says: "O yea? what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a homo? Then what would u be?!"
Kid: "A bus driver."
When My Mother Was 53 She Started Running 5 Kilometers Every Day.
Now she's 68 and we don't know where the hell she is...
A Photon Checks Into A Hotel And Is Asked "do You Have Any Luggage, Sir?"
The photon replies "no, I'm travelling light"
Two Brothers Wrote An Exam. One Got In, The Other Didn't. The One Who Didn't Get In Got In The Second Time.
His TWIN chance was what got him in.
Desperate Need Of Good Jokes
Basically I've had the shittiest day/month and I could really do with some cheering up. Hit me with your cheesiest and amazingly bad jokes :-)))
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Genius!
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?" The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
An Old Man Was In Hospital. Lying In Bed, He Leaned Over To The Pretty Young Nurse Attending To Him And Whispered In Her Ear "Give Us A Kiss, Luv!"
"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
How Many Physicists Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Two! one to change the light bulb and the other to rotate the universe!
Sharing
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
A Guy Walks Into A Supermarket
And notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back and doesn't recognize her and asks. "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you are the father of one of my kids." He panics, and thinks of the only time where he was unfaithful to his wife and says, "omg! Are the stripper that was at my bachelor party that I put on the pool table while all of all my buddies watched and then you and your friend covered me in whipped cream and licked it all off?" The woman looked at him, wide eyed and said, "no, I'm your sons math teacher."
IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”
My Wife Is A Vegan. I'm Not.
I don't care if she makes more money than me. I can still say that I'm the one who brings home the bacon.
Damn Girl Are You An Alarm Clock?
Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up
So A Guy Goes Home And Tells His Wife, "Honey, Pack Your Bags! I Just Won The Lottery!"
Wife: "Oh my God, that's incredible! Where are we going?"
Husband: "I don't know where you're going. Just be out of here by 5 o'clock."
(From "The Office" S2Ep2. Changed a couple words for my Reddit audience.)
What's The Difference Between A Bag Of Cocaine And A Toddler?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
Leo's First Oscar
Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room. Leo: "What is it doc?!"
Doctor: "It's a bo-"
Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"
Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo
Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.
Michael Jackson Was Just So Innocent And Childlike...
After a show he'd go home and just blow bubbles...
X-post From R.J Morgan Berkeley - The Battle Of Good Versus Evil In The PC Age
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days. Finally they agreed to set up a test that would run two hours and then judge who does the better job."So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! You must have cheated! How did you do that?"
Jesus smiled and said: "Jesus saves."
A Native American Boy Is Gazing Under The Stars...
...when his father asks, "What are you thinking about, child?"
He replies, "How do we get our names, father?"
The father explains, "Well, we are named based on what our mothers see upon giving birth to us. That's why your sister is Streaming River, your older brother is Soaring Eagle, and I am Leaping Gazelle.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Two Mexican Soldiers Are Riding On Their Horses After A Bloody Battle...
...when one of them yells out "viva la menstruación!!", and the other one, surprised, corrects him. " it's viva la revolución!" to this the first soldier replies:" it doesn't matter, let the blood run!!!"
Did You Hear The One About The Man Who Kept Catching His Son Masturbating?
Did you hear the one about the man who kept catching his kid masturbating? Finally he tells the kid,"Son, if you keep jacking off so damn much, youre gonna go blind!"
The kid yells "Hey dad, Im over here!"
What Do The Syrian Refugees And Water Have In Common?
They both keep trying to get on our shores....
A Patient Came In Today Saying He Felt Paranoid And Like People Were Watching Him.
I dunno if I buy it though, he looked pretty relaxed in the bath this morning.
classic Frankie boyle
How Do You Sell A Dog To Someone Hard Of Hearing?
Get really close to their ear and shout, "DO YOU WANNA BUY A DOG?"
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
A Man Suspects His Kid Is Skipping School...
A man suspects his kid is skipping school during the day. He buys a robot that slaps anyone who tells a lie, and sits it down at the table with his kid and wife. He asks his son, "Where were you during first period today, Jimmy?" The kid says, "School, of course!" The robot slaps the kid. The dad says, "Really Jimmy, where were you during first period today?" The kid says "At my friends house, watching a movie." The robot is still. The dad asks, "What movie were you 2 watching?" The kid says "We were watching Toy Story, dad!" The robot slaps the kid again. "Tell me the truth, what movie were you 2 watching?" The kid admits, "We watched a porno called Anal Avengers 4." Surprised, the dad says "Youre skipping school to watch porn movies?! I didnt even know what porn was at your age!". The robot slaps the dad. The mom starts laughing and says "Well, he is your son, honey!". The robot slaps the mom.
Three High-rise Construction Workers Sit Down On A Beam To Eat Their Sack Lunches...
The first one ,Bob, opens his sack lunch and comments out loud, "tuna again!, I swear, if I get tuna one more time I'm jumping off this beam!", he then angrily eats his lunch. The second worker, Jon, opens his lunch and declares, "peanut butter and jelly again! I swear I too will jump off this beam if I get this again tomorrow", he too eats his lunch. The third worker, Scooter, opens his lunch and makes the same claim at seeing his hotdog, and then eats his lunch. The next day at work, Bob looks into his lunch bag, then immediately jumps to his death; Jon then opens his lunch bag and jumps to his death; Scooter opens his lunch bag and also jumps to his death. The next day at their combined funeral, Bob's wife, in tears, proclaims, "If I had only known how much he hates tuna, I would have made him something else", Jon's wife then declares, "I too wish I had known that he hates PB&J otherwise I would made him something else". Next, everyone then looks at Scooter's wife and after an awkward pause, she says, "what? don't look at me, Scooter packs his own lunches".
So There Are 3 Scientists In A Lab Studying Flies...
There are 3 scientists in a lab studying flies. The first scientist grabs a fly from the jar, rips off its antennae, and says "Fly, fly!". The fly flies around the room, then lands back on the table. The scientists writes down in his journal: "Fly can fly without antennae"
The next scientist grabs a fly from the jar, rips off its legs, and says "Fly, fly!" The fly flies around the room, then skids back down onto the table. The scientist writes down in his journal: "Fly can fly without legs."
The third scientist puts his fly on the table, rips off its wings, and says "Fly, fly!" The fly doesn't move. The scientist says again, louder, "Fly, fly!". The fly just hops around a little bit. So the scientist writes down in his journal: "Fly can't hear without wings."
Dude, You're So Black That When You Wash Yourself With Soap...
... You have to wash the soap itself with washing powder afterwards.
So A Lady Was Waiting At The Doctor's...
The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.
Trump
Jesus asked the Devil if he'd made a deal with Donald Trump. The Devil said they'd negotiated for a while but eventually he gave up and just let Trump buy him out.
Oliver, The Church Bell Ringer, Wanted To Take A Vacation.
The pastor told him he could go if he could find someone to ring the bell while he was gone.
He posted notices advertising the position, but the only one who applied was his own twin brother.
His brother had no arms, so Oliver asked him how he planned to ring the bell.
"With my head," he answered. "Come on, I'll show you."
They went up to the belfry where the brother ran across it, jumped up in the air, turned a flip and hit the bell with his forehead. Oliver wondered just how much of this his brother could take, so he told him if he could do it again, he had the job.
The brother was a bit groggy from the first time, so he staggered across the belfry, jumped and flipped, missed the bell, sailed out of the belfry and crashed to the street below. A crowd gathered around and someone asked, "Who is he?"
Someone else said, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
Finally, someone said, "That's Oliver's brother."
Someone else said, "I should have known. He's a dead ringer for his brother."
Life Is Like A Wheel Of Cheese
Years ago, one of the great rabbis was on his deathbed. He was one of the most respected men in the land, and had brilliant analyses of the Old Testament that he could always find a way to describe in the most simple terms. In the last year of his fading life, he had talked about coming close to finding "the answer."
All the rabbis were gathered around his bed as he lay dying, when all of a sudden, he sat up tall and proclaimed, "Life... is like a wheel of cheese!" He then fell back and passed into darkness.
For months, the rabbis in the town were searching through scriptures trying to figure out what the great rabbi could have meant, but unable to come up with anything. One rabbi in particular, who was a close colleague, cried himself to sleep every night trying to figure out why life was like a wheel of cheese.
Years later, after years of torment, he woke to find the ghost of the rabbi standing in his room. He asked, "Rabbi, everyone has been going crazy in this town, and the next, and cities near and far. Why is life like a wheel of cheese?"
The great rabbi thinks for a moment, then shrugs his shoulders and says "eeeehh... ok, maybe it's not like a wheel of cheese."
Being A Gentleman I Decided To Hold The Door Open For A Lady.
The bitch just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane. Now I know better than to try and be nice.
This Christmas...
This Christmas,
Donald Trump's hair becomes sentient and nukes canada.
Only one Democratic Socialist can prevent a total World War.
Bernie Sanders stars...
in
HELL TOUPÉE
The Two Boys That Became Of Age
So two twins turned 6 one june the 18th so when that day rolled around they decided that they where old enough to start cussing. So when there mom woke them up and said what do you boys want on your special day and the first kid said well shjt mom i guess ill have some fucking cheerios and slapped him so hard he fell out of his chair and the mom looked at the second child with a stern expression and said and what will you have and he said not fucking cheerios damn
Why Does Michael J. Fox Make The Best Milkshakes?
Because he's very well off and he can afford the finest ingredients.
Every Girl Wants To Be Swept Off Her Feet
It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out
I Like My Women Like I Like My Coffee.
Imported from overseas and purchased for more than I can really afford.
How Many Dead-heads Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
None. They just let it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
Stutter
An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?
What's The Difference Between A Robber And A Politician?
Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
But No One Will Believe You
Obama came into my room dressed like a Jihadist and started talking in Arabic about blowing my shit up. He then leaned in and whispered, "but who's gonna believe you?"
I said, "I know a few people."
Justin Bieber came into my house, messed up all my shit, broke my windows, and then peed on my couch. He then leaned in and said, "but who's gonna believe you?"
I immediately said, "everyone motherfucker! Your an asshole!"
Jesus made water into wine, walked in the sea, died and them resurrected himself, and then came back as a semi-ghostly apparition.
He then leaned in and whispered, "but who's gonna believe you?"
Some People Say That It's Impossible To Have Fun And Burn Calories..
I suppose those people have never burned a fattie.
Jack, Dill, James, And Mike Were Walking Down The Street. Mike Fell Down.
Can Dill, Jack, or James he
The Bell Ringer
A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest and says;
"Father, please help me. I am an old, tired, and feeble man. All I want is a purpose and a bed to sleep in. Is there anything I can do for your church? Any way I can be of some help to someone?"
The priest looked down at the sad old man with pity in his heart and said;
"My son, it grieves me to see one of God's children in such a state. Of course you are welcome to stay here, but you need not work to earn your keep."
To which the old man replied;
"But Father, I seek a job, a purpose, something to give my remaining time some meaning."
The priest thought, then said;
"Well, it's not much, but we do need a new bell ringer, though I fear it may be to strenuous a task for you."
The old man said;
"I'll do it. Please just give me a chance."
So the priest lead the old man to the top if the bell tower, showed him how to pull the ropes to ring the gigantic bells, and showed him the bed for him there in the tower.
"You can stay here. We will bring you food everyday and all you must do is ring the bell every hour, on the hour, the appropriate number of times," The priest said.
The old man thanked him and the priest returned down stairs.
As the first hour drew near, the priest began to worry. He thought of the man's hunched back and his twisted arms, and began to doubt the man would be able to ring the huge bell. But sure enough, when the hour came, the bell rang loudly and clearly and the appropriate number of times.
For the next few days, the priest worries lessened as the bell continued to ring perfectly every time.
One night, as the priest sat reading in his study, he began to be curious about how the broken old man was doing it. He had been so sure the man's wilted body would not be capable of exerting the effort required to ring the great bell.
So, near the hour of 9, he quietly went up the tower to watch. As the time grew near, he watched the man get up from his bed and stand facing the bell at a few paces. The man checked the clock and when the hour hit 9 exactly he charged face first into the bell, creating a resonant, clear ring. The man repeated this eight more times, ringing the bell with his own face each time.
The priest watched in horror, but when the old man finished and turn back to his bed, among the bruises and cuts on the man's face, there was a giant smile. He was so happy to have a purpose and home that he almost didn't feel the pain.
The priest returned downstairs, worried, but unsure what to do. He decided that he would let the man continue, but he would make sure to check on him more often.
Finally, Sunday came and the church was full of people. The priest gave his sermon and listened as the bell rang proudly in the middle of it. An hour after that, during a hymn, the bell began to ring again, but, unlike any time before it, the bell stopped two rings short of the proper number.
The priest was worried by this, but was unable to stop the service, and knew it would be over soon.
After the service, he was heading for the base of the tower when he heard a great deal of noise coming from outside. He was worried about the old man, but felt he needed to check outside first.
When he got outside, he saw a huge crowd of people near the base of the tower, all focused on something on the ground in the middle of the group. He quickly made his way through the crowd to the middle, only to find the broken body of the old man lying there in a heap.
The priest assumed the man, in one of his mad charges at the bell, had missed and tumbled from the tower to the ground below.
"Father, did you know this man?" someone asked.
"No" said the priest, "but his face rings a bell."
Drunk Jack.
A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son… what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, " So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!'"
Did You Hear About The Boss That Slept With His Secretary And Then Fired Her?
He really gave her the shaft.
Can Anyone Use The Word "contagious" In A Sentence?
Julia raises her hand. “Yes, Julia?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Julia!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Shazza raises her hand. “Yes, Shazza?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Shazza! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Bruce raises his hand. “Yes, Bruce?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’”
So I Was Talking To The Devil, And I Asked Him About His Job...
He told me "It's soul crushing and I love it."
What Did The Japanese General Say To His Kamikaze Trainee?
Despite what everyone tells you, you'll never learn from your mistakes.
After Spending So Much Time Using His Phone On The Toilet...
Erwin forgot whether or not he had actually relieved himself yet. Loosely gripping the paper, he wipes in search of evidence. The results come back negative. He thinks to himself, "perhaps it was just cleaner than the others". If he looks down now, will he find the log floating in the porcelain lake? Or will the lake be clear of debris? This was truly Schrödinger's scat.
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
A young man walks into a bar at the top of a skyscraper. He sits next to an older man and the man says "Wanna make a bet?".
"Yes" says the young man. "Well, then I bet you that I jump out of this window and bounce back up unscathed!". The young man takes the bet. Seconds later the older man opens a window and jumps! A few seconds later he shows up again in the window, unscathed.
"What is the secret?" Asks the young man. "You don't really fall, there is a awning just out of site that you can grab onto and pull yourself back up... "Can I try?" he asks... "Sure, go ahead!"
The man jumps and falls to his death.
The bartender turns to the older man and says "Superman, you are a real asshole when you are drunk"
A Man, His Wife, And His Mother-in-law Went On Vacation To The Holy Land....
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?" The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Hi Officer
I was pulled over one day and the officer looked at me ask asked "How high are you?" I laughed and said "No officer, you said it wrong, it's Hi how are you"
My Friend Tells Me He Gets 20 Times More Bitches Than Me
I told him: u get no bitches because 20*0=0 :(
So I Went On Holiday To America A Few Weeks Ago...
I passed by a surfer dude, I said "Hello" and he said "Sup brah"
I passed by a Southerner, I said "Hello" and she said "Howdy"
I passed by a cop, I said "Hello" and he said
multiple gun shot sounds
"STOP RESISTING!"
My Doctor Diagnosed Me With Premature Ejaculation And Diarrhea.
I feel like I'm always coming and going.
I Was In Math Class And My Teacher Asked "What Comes After 69?"
Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.
I'm Addicted To Support Groups....
Should I go to a support group for addictions towards support groups?
Lesbian Neighbors
My two lesbian neighbors asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch.
FML. They gave me a Rolex
Monday, January 23, 2017
A Guy Gets Horny During His First Week On A Pirate Ship...
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"
The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
An American Walks Into A Gym...
He sees a bare-chested, tattooed man by the water fountain. He walks over to the weight racks and suddenly the American notices that the man has 4 arms, two on the right and two on the left. He starts lifting weights with his right arms. The American asks, "What are you doing?"
He replies: "Fellow American, I am exercising my right two bare arms"
My Girlfriend Has Terrible Eyesight...
she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.
A Girl From Alabama Asked Me If I Found Her Attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
Sean Connery Was Playing Final Fantasy VII
When asked of his opinion of the games, he said:
"I really liked the charactersh of Shishnay Shishnerus, Scharlett, Shido, Schera, and Scheppiroth. I felt the Scheenra Turksh made for an schensible antagonicht forssche. The next game on my lischt is Final Fantaschy Eight. I'm really diggin' that Schquall charachter."
A Father Gathers His Three Sons And Tells Them Sadly
— Kids, in the night some asshole stole our cow.
Oldest son (OS): An asshole? He must be short.
Middle son (MS): Short guy? He must be from the next village.
Youngest son (YS): From the next village? Who else but Jimmy?
So the sons go to the next village and beat the shit out of Jimmy. Naturally, he takes the matter to the local court.
The judge asks the sons why the thought it was Jimmy.
OS: Well, our father told us that some asshole stole our cow, and if he's an asshole, he must be short.
MS: If he's short, he must be from the next village.
YS: If he's from the next village, he must be Jimmy.
Judge: Hmmm, that's some interesting logic there - I wonder if it's valid. You there, bring me the box sitting over there. Now boys, can you deduce what's inside?
OS: The box is square.
MS: If it's square, what's inside must be round.
YS: If it's round, it must be an orange.
The judge opens the box, takes out an orange and tells Jimmy: C'mon, man, give them back the cow!
EDIT: changed some wording, credit to /u/Lamenardo
Why Do Hurricanes Have Women Name?
Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.
I'm Looking For A Joke
I heard a monologue once on the radio here in the UK.
The monologue is in a film noir style and I'm pretty sure it starts with "I was working on a case. I was working on a case because I couldn't afford a desk" and has other lines such as "A tall Blonde walked past the window, I knew she was tall because I was on the 13th floor. She rolled her eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back"
Anybody know the author/ full joke?
A Elderly Italian Man Wanted To Plant Tomatoes In His Backyard But He Was Too Weak...
An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie...
How Do You Know Tickle Me Elmo Is Male?
Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles.
Doctor: "It's Bad News, You Have Cancer And Alzheimer's."
Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."
One Brother Says "heard Any Good Jokes Lately?"
And the other brother says "yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says 'heard any good jokes lately?' The other brother, get this, sets him on fire
Two and a half men
A Wife Said To Her Husband, "You Fuck Like You Fix Things Around The House."
"Expertly?" he asked. "No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."
A Young Priest Asked His Bishop, May I Smoke While Praying?...
The answer was an emphatic “No!”
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, “You shouldn’t be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn’t do it!”
“That’s odd,” the old priest replied. “I asked the bishop if I could pray while I’m smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!”
Guys About To Go On A Date Has To Fart Really Bad Talking To Her Parents.
So this guy is about to go on a date. He shows up at the house, and her parents invite him into the living room to have a chat while she's upstairs getting ready. All of a sudden he realizes he has to fart really bad. Fortunately he notices their dog sitting next to him, named Duke. So he thinks to himself if I fart a little bit maybe they think it's the dog. So he farts just a little bit, and also in the dad yells, "Duke!" So he thinks great it's working he totally thinks is the dog. So he farts a little more, and sure enough dad yells "Duke!" Awesome totally thinks it's a dog so he lets the rest rip. Next thing you know the dad yells, "Duke get over here before he shits on you!"
A Different Twist On The Old Joke
WARNING: Some maths involved
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders two. The third one three beers. The bartender stops them, and says, "You all owe me one-twelfth a beer".An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders two. The third one three beers.
The bartender stops them, and says, "You all owe me one-twelfth a beer".
Sunday, January 22, 2017
I Adopted A Rescue Dog Early This Morning...
But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.
A Few Years After He Became An Ex-President, Bill And Hilary Are Driving Around Arkansas And Stop For Gas.
The guy operating the pump is about their age. When it's done and they're driving away, Hilary chuckles and says "The guy at the gas station? My mom wanted me to marry him." Bill gives her a big grin and says "Can you imagine where you'd be now, if you'd married him instead of me?" She gives him a cold stare and says "Yeah, I'd be driving around with an former President of the United States."
What Do You Call A Funny Hill?
Hilarious ...
My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :|
Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman.
This game of hide and seek has been going on for too long...
Why Girls Live Longer Than Boys????
SHOPPING” never causes HEART ATTACKS, but,“PAYING the “BILLS” does
Heard This At Work The Other Day.
A woman walks in to the haberdashery, and browses for a while. She finds a hat she likes, and then checks out. The hat had two birds perched on top. Once out the doors, she finally lets one fly.
How Many LAPD Officers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Two. One to beat the bulb for being broke, another to shoot the room for being black.
3 Women Were At The Gates Of Heaven In Front Of St. Peter...
The first woman approached him and he said "Please confess to your sins to enter the gates of Heaven." She said "well I gave a man a hand job once." Peter replied "Please dip your hand into the holy water and you may proceed through the gates."
The second woman was about to reply, but the third woman skipped in front of her and said "If you think I'm gonna put that water in my mouth after she dips her ass in it you are out of your mind!"
My Friend Said He Was Worried He's Losing His Hair
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head
Life Lessons
A farmer owns 25 young hens and one old cock ... As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market...
Old cock to Young cock :
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity...
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition if I win you shall allow me to have one hen if I lose you will have all.
Young cock: OKKK.. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly..."BANG"!!!
Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer ... who cursed,
: "Hell"
This is the 5th GAY cock I've bought this week." ??
Moral: beware of senior experience in corporate politics !!!!!
Breast Size...
So this couple had been married for a while and the wife tells the husband one day that she wants to increase her breast size. He says to her just rub some toilet paper on your chest. She asks him how the hell that would help. He says "it worked on your ass"
Remember Back In The Day When You Used To Blow Bubbles?
Well, he's back in town and he is looking for you.
Whenever I'm Feeling Really Tired, I Just Watch The New Star Wars Trailer...
Because The Force Awakens me
My Chinese Friend Has Been Very Supportive Of My New Dogsitting Business
He even bought me a book, 101 ways to wok your dog
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Stalin Gives A Speech...
Stalin was giving a speech when suddenly he hears a sneeze from the public. He orders the first row to stand up.
"Did any of you sneeze?!"
Everybody is silent. After a few seconds of silence, Stalin orders the people on the first row to be killed. They are all shot, one by one, and Stalin orders the second row to stand up.
"Did any of you sneeze?!"
Once again everyone is silent. He orders everyone on the second row to be killed, and they're all shot one by one. He orders the third row to stand up.
"DID ANY OF YOU SNEEZE?!"
A man shyly and slowly raises his hand and says,
"...I did..."
Stalin smiles and says,
"Bless you, comrade!"
How Do You Know Your Local Police Are South African?
They take "To catch a thief, you have to be a thief" literally.
A Builder With 6 Contracts To Build Downtown Parking Lots Texts His Workers In The Morning
"We need to get a lot done today." read the text. Later that day, he finds all of his workers still at the first job site sitting around and asks "What happened!?! We have 5 more jobs to finish! They reply "We finished one of the lots just like you said! Paycheck please."
My Parents Found An S&M Magazine Under My Brother's Bed...
My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."
Joke Of Tha DAy A Blonde And A Redhead Have A Ranch.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Welcome To Plastic Surgery Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say i'm really disappointed.
Adolf Hitler Has Been Judged Very Harshly By History However..
he did kill Hitler. NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr
England And Ethiopia Recently Played Each Other In A Football Match
After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
Turkey Hunting For Thanksgiving
Last year at Thanksgiving was the very first time I shot my own turkey, I used a 12 gauge shotgun... but, right after I shot it, all the people in the frozen food section were running around and screaming like crazy.
What Does Robert, Khloe, And Kim Kardashian All Have In Common?
They all know how to get black men off.
Remember When You Were Young And You Used To Blow Bubbles?
Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you...
So A Kid Comes Home From School And Tells His Mom He Just Had Sex With His Teacher.
Flabbergasted, she yells at him and tells him to go to his room and to wait until his father gets home. Dad gets home from work and hears the news and like all good fathers offers up a congratulatory pat on the back and says they should go to the store and get a new bike to celebrate.
They get to the store and pick out this bright shiny red bike, horn on the handle bars and everything. As they're waiting in line to check out the dad exclaims "wait don't you wanna test ride it before we buy the bike" to which the kid says "no, my butt still hurts"
Why Did The Mammoth Get In Trouble With The Archaeologist For Texting The Dinosaur?
Because the mammoth was to young to predate the dinosaur.
How Many American Cops Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black
Young Single Attractive Mothers To Me Are Like "now And Laters."
I refrain from mixing myself with them. Sure they'll start off all sweet and it'll be an experience. But then it's just stale and the same old shit forever. and now you have a kid too.
A Black Man Picks Up A Girl From A Nightclub...
Back at his house, she says: "show me what they say about black men is true..." So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Spotted On Facebook
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
A Man With Half An Orange As A Head
A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'
'I'm walking along the beach one day when I find a mysterious bottle lying in the sand. I pick it up, gives it a rub and BAM! out pops a genie. "Okay," says the genie, "you know the drill, three wishes, you don't wish for more wishes and I won't creatively misinterpret your wishes to give you tiny musicians, how about that? Go."
Now, I'm not the type to rush into things, so I say to the genie, "Okay, look, how about I give this some thought and get back to you?" I put the bottle into his pocket and spend the next week giving serious thought to what one wish would make me the most happy. Eventually I pull the bottle out and says "Okay, I'm ready to wish, genie."
"About fucking time," says the genie, "it's cramped in there, what do you wish for?"
"Well," I said, "I've given it some thought, and I have decided that money can in fact buy happiness, and so I will have one billion dollars, please."
BAM! "It is done," says the genie, "what is your second wish?"
"I don't know yet," said I, "I'll get back to you."
So I and look at my bank balance, and sure enough, it's a billion dollars. I go and buy an mansion and a yacht and a harem and all sorts of expensive rich-person stuff and I live the life of luxury for months. But all the time I'm wondering in the back of my head what's missing from my life that this second wish is going to give me, and thinking it over and over and trying to figure it out. And eventually I pull the bottle out of my pocket and say, "Okay, genie, second wish."
"Jesus fucking christ," says the genie, "you don't make up your mind in a hurry, do you? What's it gonna be?"
"Genius." I say. "Creative, scientific, philosophical, all of the above. I wish to be the smartest, wisest man who ever lived."
"Big ask," says the genie, "but I'm up for it." BAM! and it is done."Do you reckon we can hurry it along and get to the third wish?" the genie asks plaintively. "I'm a busy genie." I shake my head and say I want to give the matter some thought.
I spend the next several years solving the mysteries of the universes, revolutionising science, writing masterpieces, founding my own religion. I negotiate world peace and invent whole new schools of thought. All the time I'm thinking, okay, what would be even better than this? What is the one thing I could wish for next that would make my life absolutely perfect? And eventually, I figure it out.
I pull out out the bottle and say to the genie, "Okay, it's third wish time."
"Fucking finally", says the genie, "what's it gonna be? What's your last and greatest wish?"
I lean in close and whisper:
"I wish I had half an orange for a head."
How Many Canadians Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None, they don't change light bulbs, they accept them the way they are.
Expanding Inventory
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head."I’m still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
Hurricanes Are Loud, Costly And Sometimes Fatal Forces Of Nature
That's why the WMO name them after their wives
What Do Kim Kardashian And Hurricane Sandy Have In Common?
They will both blow the entire east coast just to get on TV.
Teacher: What Is The Difference Between Lightning And Electricity?
Teacher: What is the difference between lightning and electricity? Alexander: I know – you do not have to pay for lightning.
So The Biggest Recorded Storm In History Just Made Landfall In Mexico...
as it turns out, it's the safest weekend in history to visit!
This Damn Hurricane,
I would have thought that the country that invented the burrito, could handle a bit of strong wind
Hurricanes Should Be Named After Worst Dictators And World Leaders
So we could have a proper idea of how much damage they can cause example:
Hurricane Hitler.
Hurricane Kim Jong ill.
Hurricane Bush.
Hurricane Nixon.
A Scientist Finally Found A Way To Clone Humans By First Cloning Himself.
Physically the clone was a perfect match, however it had mental problems. All day long it would curse and shout vulgarities and insults ad nauseum. At first it was interesting but as time went on the behavior worsened. Day in and day out he would spew an endless stream of obscenity that could make a sailor blush, becoming more and more crude as he went.
One day after a fifteen hour tirade about his mother the scientist snapped. In a fit of rage he pushed his clone out of a window.
He was arrested the next morning for making an obscene clone fall.
Why Couldn't Mario Ever Watch Netflix With Peach?
Because the princess was always on another Castle.
I Need To Workout ASAP
I gotta start working out or something man. Was struggling to get all the juice squeezed out of a lemon. Not cool
I Think Women Are Like A Car And Men Are Like Real Estate Property In The Way Their Values Change.
I'd like to know all the funny or interesting ways we could use this analogy.
What Did Hillary Clinton Say To The Battered Black Woman?
We've both been beaten by a black guy, let's not let it happen again.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Jamaica Is Demanding Compensation From The UK For Our Involvement In The Slave Trade!
Shocking, we already paid for them once!
A Man Joins A Monestary....
He must take a vow of silence. They are only allowed to speak two words every ten years. So ten years pass and the man is called into the abbot's study so he can speak his two words.
"Bed hard"
The abbot dismisses him. Another ten years come and go and his time with the abbot is at hand.
"Food cold"
Once again he is dismissed and goes about his business in prayer and meditation. Ten years pass by again, and again he is summoned by the abbot. He walks in for his chance to speak his two words. He looks the abbot in the eyes and says
"I QUIT!"
The abbot looks at him for a moment, and says "It's about damn time, you've done nothing but complain for 30 years."
A Pirate Walls Into A Bar
And he has a ships wheel attached to his belt buckle. The bartender says "what's with the ships wheel on your belt buckle?" The pirate responds "Aaarr! It's drivin me nuts!"
Do You Think The Transvestite...
Do you think the transvestite that goes missing would object to their picture being on a carton of half and half?
Jimmy Ran Over Miss Jane's Cat With His Car.
Jimmy felt terrible and went to Miss Jane and said, "I have run over your cat, I feel terrible, can I replace your cat for you?"
Miss Jane replied, "Well I don't know, how are you at catching mice?"
How Many Tickles Does It Take To Make An Octopus Laugh?
Ten tickles. (read it out loud if you do not get it).
Netflix Is Becoming A Viable Competitor To Cable Service
So your local cable company is now offering headend and bellend
An Old Lady Was Standing At The Railing Of The Cruise Ship Holding Her Hat On Tightly So That It Would Not Blow Off In The Wind.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Mexico's Population Is Ill-equiped To Deal With Hurricane Patricia
The Mexicans that are good at swimming and running have long been gone.
This Guy Was Sitting In His Attorney's Office. "Do You Want The Bad News First Or The Terrible News?" The Lawyer Said.
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Two Penguins Are Taking A Bath Together...
... One penguin asks the other penguin, "Hey, could you pass the soap?" and the other one says, "Whah do I wook wike, a typewhita??"
I Told My Dad That I Was Sick And Tired Of All This Justin Bieber, One Direction, And Twilight Crap...
...and he replies, "You know son, I'm proud of you. It takes a strong man to rebel against things made for 13 year old girls."
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Why Do Hurricanes Always Have Female Names?
At first they are wet and wild, but then they take away your car and your house.
A Gorgeous Young Redhead Goes Into The Doctor's Office And...
...said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A Man's Wife Goes Scuba Diving And Doesn't Return...
The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."
The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."
"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."
"Oh no... wait, what's the good news?"
"Well sir, we pulled her body out of the water and there were three lobsters attached to the body!"
"THATS THE GOOD NEWS!? WHAT THE HELL IS THE BETTER NEWS!?"
Cop says,
"We are going to pull her up again tomorrow!!"
50th Anniversary Gift
At their 50th anniversary, the wife decides to give the husband a very special gift. She said, as a gift, I'll give you a chance to ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth.
Husband see's a chance. He said, you know, it's about Adam. I have always wondered about him. He doesn't look anything like our other 6 children. I was always suspicious about him. I think I may not have been fair to him as well because of this. I have to ask you, does he have a different father?
Wife pause for a second. then says: yes.
The husband feels sad, but still asks, who?
The wife replies: you.
What Do You Call A Social Justice Warrior In A Society Of Strippers?
The thot police!
PleaseDon'tBeTooHardOnMe.
Kermit The Frog Walks Into A Bank...
...and walks up to the teller. Reading her name tag he greets her. "Hello Patty I would like to take out a loan." "Uhh you cant take out a loan!?" "Well why not?" "We don't give frogs loans." "But my dad is Mick Jagger!" "That doesn't matter, we just don't give frogs loans." "I have collateral though." "You have collateral?"
Kermit reaches into his jacket pocket,pulls out a small elephant figurine, and hands it to Patty. Annoyed and slightly frustrated, Patty goes to get a manager. Patty explains the situation to the manager and finishes "....and he gave me this for collateral!....what is this??" The Manager replies, "Its a knick knack patty what give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone."
Hey Girl, Are You A Group Of Integrable Functions?
because I would love to find the area under those curves
I Asked My Dad The Other Day What He Knew About Anti-forensics
He said he knew uncle forensics better
I'm Not Saying Pregnant Woman Aren't Attractive
I'm just saying, It'd feel weird giving some random unborn child dimples.
What Stretches More Skin Or Rubber?
Skin, because in the bible it says that Moser tied his ass to a tree and walked 20 miles.
I Used To Think The Brain Was The Most Important Organ.
And then I thought, look what's telling me that.
Indian Prime Minister
Indian Prime Minister
Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state business.
The Russian says to the Indian, "Ram, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the citizens just shit on the streets."
"That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk, isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?" he points out the window where there is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk.
The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver, Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops the the car and takes out a gun.
After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him."
"Why the hell not?" yells the Russian.
"Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."
Edit: I am an Indian. Have a sense of humor. Enjoy :)
Really Racist Joke
"They say that black is the absence of light, but really it's the absence of a father."
And The Lord Said Unto John, "Come Forth And You Will Have Eternal Life"
But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Seeking Things To Troll My Buddy With During His Marathon This Weekend
Using an app, I can upload 30-second audio clips to my friend's phone during the marathon he's running this Sunday. Anyone have any funny/mildly insulting things I can troll him with?
My Wife Said In The Morning "You Are An Idiot"...
while combing her hair in front of the mirror when I walked by.
Two Statisticians Are Out Hunting...
Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"
In An Odd Incident Last Night At 12, A Man Was Pelted With Over 2000 Ritz Crackers.
He later remarked "This has to be the whitest crime ever."
I Went To My Highschool Reunion And Came Across A Woman I'd Never Seen Before.
Luckily she didn't notice.
I Got Into A Fight With The Son Of Odin..
I wasn't feeling well that day and when he was done with me, I said..
you're loki
Why Did The Redditor Cross The Road?
We didn't. We don't need outside. We don't need anyone. We don't need air. We don't need food. We don't need love. We don't need emotions. We don't need clothes. We don't need anything.
We only need reddit. And grammar. We need grammar.
What's The Difference Between A Lentil And A Chick Pea?
I've never paid money to have a lentil on my face!
A Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
New Guy In Prison
After a meal convicts are waiting to go back to their cells and someone shouts out "47" and a lot of cons laugh. Another shouts "29" and gets more laughs. The new guy says "what's up? and another con explains that all the jokes have ben told so many times that we gave them all numbers. The new guy calls out a number and no one laughs. He tries another and still no laughs. So he tries a number that he's already heard and no laughs again. "What gives?", he says to the guy who explained the system. The guy shrugs and says," Some people can tell a joke and some can't.
What's The Difference Between A Cat And A Comma?
A cart has claws at the end of its paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Edit: spelling
Whats The Difference Between A Baby And A 10g Of Cocaine?
Eric Clapton wouldn´t let a bag full of cocaine fall off the window
Monday, January 16, 2017
How Do You Know Humans Can't Reincarnate As Insects?
You've ever gotten one bug bite not on your crotch (or tits).
A Little Boy With A Speech Impediment Goes Trick Or Treating As A Pirate...
He gets to the first house and an old lady answers the door. She says,
"Well aren't you cute. Who are you dressed as?"
He replies,
"I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword and my batch!" , pointing to the stuffed parrot on his shoulder, waving his sword and pointing to his eye patch respectively.
The old lady throws some candy in his bag and wishes him a good night. He heads to the next house. A man answers.
"Trick or Treat", the boy shouts.
The man says "Well look at you!... Who are you dressed as?"
"I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!"
"Alright Blackbeard! Here you go! Happy Halloween!", says the man as he throws candy into the boy's bag. The boy heads to the next house where a nice middle age woman answers the door.
"Trick or Treat!", shouts the boy.
"Well you are just the cutest!... Who are you?" says the woman.
"I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!"
"Well, where are you're buccaneers?", she asks.
He motions to the side of his head with his sword and exclaims,
"They're right here lady!...Open your buckin' eyes!"
So I Was On This Escalator Going Up
and there was this guy dressed as a clown going down to my left. As we went by, he pied me in my face. He cackled as he went past me. I decided that I wouldn't take this bullshit, so I leaped across to where the clown was and tore off his head with my own bare hands.
As I wiped the pie and blood off of my face, I overheard one of the bystanders whispering, "Wow, that escalated quickly."
Thought For Ladies..
Ladies, if you come across a Man who is smart, hot, humble, educated, financially secure, passionate and patient, great at fixing things around the house and he's not materialistic, loves you like you are the only girl in the world and watches you whilst you are applying your make up while listening to every word you say...
Then, please be assured that the WEED you have just smoked is of superior quality.
Hundreds Of Thousands FLEEING MEXICO........
..... In other news. .... there's a hurricane approaching too.
An Old Lady Walked By A Guy And His Dog
She mockingly asked him: "Is he teaching you loyalty? Or are you teaching him treachery??"
The guy replied: "Nanny, how about you get the fuck outta here before he teaches you how to do a 100 meter sprint".
Hurricane Patricia Just Changed Its Name As It Hit Land.....
to Hurricane Patricia Hernandez Rodriquez Gutierrez Lopez Garcia, but you can call her " Lupe' ".
I Was Discussing A Trip To Chernobyl With My Friend...
He said not to go there or else Chernobyl fall off.
What Is Black And Runs Through The Forest Screaming?
A burnt forest ranger/..... I bet you thought it was going to be a racist joke didn't you