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Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Friday, March 31, 2017
So I Took My Car Into The Mechanic And He Said I Blew A Seal.
I said, "well yeah, but how did you know? And what does that have to do with my car?"
Little Sister
Little sister to brother in bed: "Hey, you are better at this than Daddy."
"Yes, Mummy says so too!"
Little Billy.
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Give A Man A Fish And Feed Him For A Day.
Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
My Name Is Sun... Lol
New teacher joined in the school 😊 Teacher :- students tell your names nd hobbies .... 1st boy :- My name is arun . My hobby is watching moon . 2nd boy :- My name is arjun . And my hobby is watching moon . 3rd boy :- My name is vikas & hobby is watching moon . Teacher :- wow good good 👏 Everyones hobbies are same ... Ok .... Now girls turn ....... 1st girl :- Hello mam my name is moon ...... 😜😝 Teacher shocked ...... ★☆★★ Boys rocked ...... 😂😂😂
My Favorite Christmas Joke....
A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other at a bar on Christmas Eve. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Lexus for Christmas. That way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car to the jewelry store and exchange it." "That's nice." the poor man responds "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. That way, if she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
Next Year For Halloween I Think I Will Be A Dead Chrysanthemum....
Then when people ask "WTF are you", I will reply and say "I am a chrysanthemummy!"
I Like My Significant Others The Way I Like My Coffee:
Roasted until black, crushed into a fine powder, then submerged in boiling water so I can drink their distilled essence.
What's The Difference Between A Musician And A 14-inch Pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four
Do You Guys Know The Difference Between "girlfriend" And "girl Friend?"
... that little empty void in the middle..
Known as the "friend zone" ..
A Man Was Recently Admitted To The Emergency Room Because Of A Tendency To Talk With His Hands Too Much.
He was diagnosed with gesticular cancer.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Some Young Boy Just Knocked On My Door Saying "I Am Collecting For The Local Swimming Pool."
So I gave him a glass of water
Billy Joel Was Hospitalized Last Week.
He had a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack. You oughtta know by now.
An Old Farmer Catches A Group Of Women Skinny Dipping In His Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators!"
Some old men can still think fast.
Two Psychoanalysts...
Met each other at a party. One analyst walked up to the other analyst and slapped him in the face without any warning. The analyst who was slapped looked startled for a moment and then shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's his problem."
What's The Difference Between An Elephant And A Post Box?
Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.
Why Is A Marriage Like A Hurricane?
They both start off sucking and blowing, but you end up losing your house.
A Man Takes His Pet Lobsters Out For A Swim
A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters. The Warden walks up to the man, flashes his badge and says, "You're in big trouble, buddy. Poaching lobsters is a serious offense."
The man answers, "You've got it all wrong, these lobsters are my pets! Every morning I take them out for some exercise. I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes and then whistle them back in."
The Warden looks at the man skeptically and says, "Okay then, prove it."
The man proceeds to throw the lobsters into the ocean and both he and the Warden stand there waiting. After a couple minutes the Warden looks at the man and says, "That's long enough, now whistle your lobsters back in." The man turns to the Warden and says "Lobsters? What lobsters?"
How You Control Your Anger
Father to son: whenever i beat you, you dont get annoyed, how you control your anger?
son: i start cleaning the toilet seat with your toothbrush
I Asked A Black Man On The Street If He Could Come Fix My Speaker Set Up, Since He Must Be Good At Fixing Electronics.
He told me I used the wrong stereo type.
Why Does It Take 1 Million Sperm To Fertilize One Egg?
Because like most men, they won't stop to ask directions.
A Screwdriver Walks Into A Bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
Two Students Were Arguing When Their Teacher Entered The Classroom
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot
A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus."
My New Girlfriend Says A Small Penis Doesn't Bother Her...
... but I wish she wouldn't have one at all.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Military Sniper To Take Out A Dictator
The officer is a little alarmed when the sniper turns out to be a naked chicken. The chicken says "Don't worry, i was handpicked for this job."
What Are The Two Shortest Words In The Dictionary?
German humour and English food.
A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal. The waiter arrives promptly to take his order. The guest asks: “Do you have frog legs?” The waiter answers: “No, that’s just the way I walk!”
A Man Sees A Little Boy Crying
A man sees a 6 year old little boy staring down a cliff. "What happened" asked the man. Crying, the boy replies, "the car skid and my parents fell off the cliff!" "Well today is just not your day" says the man as he unbuttons his pants.
Looking For Some Good Jokes About Menstrual Cups.
Always trying to gross my GF out. Help me with some tasteless cup references.
Flip Cup is all I can come up with.
The Two Biggest Issues With Being A Black Man
I have to deal with social injustices
I have to avoid stepping on my dick
Man In A Pasture Face Down
A man lays face down in the pasture with a backpack on his back and flies buzzing around him.
Question: Whats in his backpack?
Answer: Parachute
China Has Revised Its On Child Per Family Rule. It Will Now Allow Parents To Have Two Children.
Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.
Edit: Spelling is hard.
My Friend's Cat Got A Scratch On Its Back One Day. [NSFW]
So he put a maxi-pad on it a took it to the vet. The vet asked "Sir why did you try to stop the bleeding this way?" He said "Well that's what my wife does when her pussy bleeds."
Three Brothers Wanted To Give Their Blind Mom A Birthday Gift.
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.
Man In The Book Store
a man enters a bookstore and asks: do you have a book called " men- king of the house" gets a reply: No, we don't sell fairy tales here.
Teacher: "Answer This Math Problem: If Your Father Earns
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?" Student: "A heart attack."
A Man's Sex Life Is Like An Oak Tree
You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald
Two Snakes In The Desert
Two snakes are crossing the desert. After a while one says to the other: Slow down, lets rest, i cant feel my feet.
Asked My Grandfather If He Had Anything Equivalent To Victoria's Secret When He Was Young
He said "No, we had morals."
A Bra And A Pair Of Jumper Cables Walk Into A Bar...
As soon as they walk in, the bartender tells them to get out immediately.
"Why?" Says the bra.
"Because you're off your tits, and your friend looks like he's about to start something."
Day Off
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Jasiu
Pani pyta Jasia - Jakie znasz żywioły ? Jasiu odpowiada - Ogień, woda, piwo ... Pani zdziwiona mówi - Jak to piwo ? Jasiu ponownie odpowiada - Bo jak tata wraca piany to mama mówi, że ojciec jest znowu w swoim żywiole .
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Guy Asks His Girlfriend To Tell Him Something That Will Make Him Happy And Sad At The Same Time. She Thinks For A Few Seconds And Replies....
Your penis is bigger than your father's.
I'm Looking For A Woman Who Is Small,
white, gets turned on really easily, lets me play with her for hours and hours, makes me laugh, cry everything. She must have lots of memory and let me try anything on her. . . . . . This sounds just like my xbox
What Is Worse?
What is worse than a dead hooker?
A dead hooker in your bed.What is worse than that?
Hooker dies when you are doing that. What is worse than that?
Hooker doing a blowjob before dying. What is worse than that?
Hooker closes his mouth once and for all with your dick in it. What is worse than that?
Opening her mouth with a crowbar.What is worse than that?
Crowbar breaking.
A Young Boy And His Parents Lived Near A ZOO...
And whenever he was bored, he would go to ZOO with his mom or dad. One time he was in zoo with his mom and saw a donkey who was erected, He asks his mom, "Mom, what is this?", and her mom says it's nothing.
After a couple of days he goes to the Zoo with his mom again, and saw the erected donkey penis again and asks the same question "Mom, What is this?" This time again the mom says, "I told you it's nothing".
After a couple of days he went to Zoo with his father, and again saw donkey's penis and asks his dad "Dad what is this? I asked mom she says it's nothing". His dad replies "Surely it's nothing for your mum".
James Was A Driver For A Rich Man's Dog...
James was a driver for a rich man's dog. At the age of 40, he felt like a complete failure because in his life, other than that dog he had nothing to chauffeur.
What Did The Lawyer Say To The Sovereign Citizen When Asked For Legal Counsel?
Am I being retained?
Am I being retained?
Chinese Easter
Around Easter, Catholic Church in China Town has just lost their caretaker. So the members of the church try to find someone who has both Chinese and Catholic roots. So they bring in three people to interview. They ask the first person, "What is the significance of Easter?" They answer Chinese accent, "Eessa time... uhh... essa time when Christ turn water into wine." The interviewers say, "No, that is not what happened." The bring in the second guy and ask him the same question. He responds, "Eessa time... essa time when rabbit bring candy to chirdren." Again they say no. So the third guy comes in and when he is asked, he replies, "Essa time when a Christ die on cross." The interviewers are impressed. "Tell us more," they say. The interviewee says, "Christ... die on cross.. resurrect to day rater (later). Walk toward end of cave. Roll rock away. Christ walk outside. See shadow. Run back inside. Six more weeks winter."
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. . . . The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
I Went Up To A Shop Assistant.
I said, "Have you got anything for headaches?"
She said, "There's a Slipknot CD in my bag."
So Joseph Stalin Is Giving A Speech
So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.
Stalin gets mad and asks, "Who sneezed?".
Stalin asks once again, "Who sneezed?"
When nobody comes forward, Stalin says "Very well. First row, stand up!". The first row in the crowd stands up, and a firing squad shoots them all.
"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks again, but nobody comes forward.
"Alright, second row, stand up!". The second row stands up and they are shot by the firing squad.
"Who sneezed?", Stalin asks, and eventually an elderly old man in the crowd gets up and says "I can't take it anymore! It was me, alright? I sneezed!".
"Come to me now!", Stalin says to the man who sneezed.
The man goes up to Stalin, and Stalin looks at him for a few moments before saying "Bless you, comrade!"
A Tourist Visiting Ireland Notices Two Irish Laborers:
One laborer digs one-meter holes in a neat row while the other laborer immediately fills in the holes afterwards. They do this for a good portion of the morning but confuse the tourist who is watching them from the pub across the street.
The tourist walks over and kindly asks, "Why are you digging all these holes if he's just going to fill them right in?"
The Irishman says while digging, "Seamus the tree planter is off sick today".
Jason Box-hes
i know halloween is gone but i got a good idea for a funny drawing a box running away from a bigger box with a machete and wearing a jason mask in his hand and the little box says 'its jason boxhes'
Monday, March 27, 2017
Do You Have A Private Part?
A woman hears someone knock at the door. She opens to see and a man asks, “Do you have a private part??” She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and it’s the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again.
Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, “Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, “I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this.” The man asks the same question, “Do you have a private part?” “Yes!” replies the woman. The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s own alone and start using yours?”.
Dad Said I Wasn't Allowed To Go Out Wearing This Skirt Because It's "too Revealing"...
Fuck you, dad, I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want!
Surprises Are Always More Fun Unless It's A Baby.
They tend to startle easily, so an ill-timed surprise may actually upset them.
Two Drunks Are Sitting In The Corner Of A Pub...
They're discussing the day's events over a number of cups of wine. The first turns to the other and says, "I heard there's a case of syphilis going around here."
The second turns to the first, and says, "That's good, I was getting rather tired of this beaujolais."
I Finally Figured Out Why A Sneeze Is The Equivalent Of 1/8th An Orgasm...
I could foresee something unpleasant and unavoidable, it's now over and I can get on with my day.
Station Master And A Lady Passenger
A woman was racing to get a train to Bangalore. She came to the station and was hunting down the train. Traveler: (Asked to the station expert) Sir, is this my train? Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it's railroads office's train. Traveler: (Annoyed) That's a decent joke. Try not to act excessively keen. What I implied was, would I be able to take this train to Bangalore? Station Master: No ma'am, you can't! This train is so BIG and you can't take it. Traveler: Its truly amusing! Presently say me, will this train take me to Bangalore? Station Master: NO ma'am. The train can't take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore! The traveler swooned! - See more at
PSYCHO , The Rapist .
A student of 18 went to the librarian and asked for the book “PSYCHO , the rapist” . Librarian was bewildered as he never heard about that one before but he went in to check. After a hour, he came out with a tome in his hand and said angrily, It’s “Psychotherapist” .
IT HURTS!!!
A man goes to the specialist and says, Specialist, wherever I touch, it harms. The specialist asks, What do you mean? The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it truly stings. On the off chance that I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my brow, it ridiculously stings. The specialist says, I realize what's the matter with you - you've broken your finger!
What Do You Call A Sea Captain's Hilarious Fictional Book About Bellybuttons?
A novel naval navel novel.
Edit: I'm so sorry. I had to exorcise this shitty joke out of my head before it drove me insane.
A Farmer Walks Into A Bar With A Horse. He Says, "I Will Give Any Of You $1,000 If You Can Make My Horse Laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
Today Was Australia's Melbourne Cup Horse Races. And I Feel So Sexist Towards My Own Gender Right Now.
Today was Australia's Melbourne Cup Horse Races.
Obviously it's a big achievement for Michelle Payne to become the first Woman to win the Melbourne cup, too bad she still had to ride a prince to achieve it.
FYI: The winner of today's race was Michelle Payne, a woman who has made one of the best quotes for female empowerment.
It's My Birthday Today And, As A Special Treat, My Wife Has Said I Can Have Anything I Want Tonight.
Her arse will be red raw tomorrow.
Curry for dinner.
<Put Your Title Here> May Be NSFW
Isn't it crazy how there is a band called one direction, because that's what I named my asshole as a teen.
How Do You Know If You've Fallen In Love With An Apple From France?
Your heart goes "pomme pomme ... pomme pomme ..."
A Boy I Teach Told The Class This One.
A man told his son to go chop the wood, so his son goes out and after a while ends up chopping off his finger. His dad puts the finger in a bag and takes him to the doctor. The doctor sews the finger back on and it heals just fine.
The dad tells his son to go chop the wood again, and this time the boy chops off his foot. The dad puts the foot in a bag and takes him to the doctor, who successfully reattaches the foot.
The dad tells his son to go chop the wood again and the son chops his own head off. The dad puts the head in a bag and takes him to the doctor. After the doctor tries his best, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, your son is dead." The dad says, "I don't understand, you always helped him before. Couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor says, "Oh yes, I reattached his head just fine, but he suffocated in that bag."
My Boss Asked Why He Didnt See Me At Work On Halloween.
I told him I went as god. I clearly was never there, and all the work that got done I did not do.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
A Young Boy Enters A Barber Shop....
...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
There Is A Mathematical Theory For Good Sex
The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant.
What Did The Vulture Say When The Airline Agent Asked If He Wanted To Check His Luggage?
No, thanks, it's just carrion...
I Was Working At A Restaurant And I Asked My Head Chef If I Can Substitute Black Olives For Green Olives Because We Ran Out Of Green Olives.
He said, "of course not. Black olives won't work!"
Super Original Joke!
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Did You Hear About The Couple Who Went On A Second Honeymoon To Celebrate Their 30th Wedding Anniversary?
This time it was his turn to sit on the edge of the bed and cry because it was too big.
A Nurse Is Making Her Rounds Through The Halls Of A Hospital With A Rectal Thermometer Tucked Behind Her Ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some asshole's got my pencil!"
A Nurse Walks Into A Bank Exhausted After A 18 Hour Shift...
A Nurse walks into a bank exhausted after a 18 hour shift. She pulls an anal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a check with it. She looks at the cashier and says ”Well that's great that's really f**kin great! Some asshole’s got my pen!"
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm Gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: *clenches fists
Mom: "don't..."
Dad: *sweats profusely
Mom: ........
Dad: "HI GAY. I'M DAD"
Whats The Difference Between Congress And Parliament?
Ones filled with a bunch of baboons and the other just doesn't give a hoot during the day.
My Science Teacher Said He Was Going To Show Me His Transistor.
Imagine my surprise when a woman with a penis showed up.
What Do Anal Sex And Eating Your Vegetables Have In Common? (NSFW)
They're both things that if you're not forced to do them as a child, you likely won't enjoy as an adult.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Did You Know That If You Pull The Pin Off Of Grenade And Hold It Up To Your Ear
You can actually hear the world getting smarter.
Cosplay Is BS
How can someone dress as Emperor Palpatine at ComicCon, a man who existed purely for evil, and get praised, While I go to "Disney on Ice" wearing Pluto's shirt and Donald Duck's pants and get escorted out the building?
Obama Bans Hiring Bias Against Ex-cons Seeking Federal Jobs
He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".
A Man Is Sitting In A Bar Staring At His Drink,
when another man comes along and drinks it up. "Come on man, cheer up. Here, I'll buy you another drink."
The first man replies "No, I've just had a really bad day today.
First I woke up late because the power went off in my house so my alarm didn't go off, so I quickly rush to work badly dressed and without eating breakfast.
My boss is furious because I missed an important business meeting, so he fires me.
I walk back outside to the parking lot and find out that my car is stolen, so I wait some time until a taxi comes around.
After I step out of the taxi at my house, I realize I left my wallet and my phone in the seats, but when I turn around the car already drove away.
Next I find my wife in bed with the gardener, so that's how I end up in this bar and you come along and drink my poison."
The Chinese Doctor
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors
My Grandpa Always Told Me To Watch My Health, Not My Money..
... one day as I was taking a walk, watching my health, someone stole my wallet.
It was my grandpa.
Being A Nice Guy Can Get You In Trouble.
just the other day i was talking to a homeless girl, and she was telling me the things she'd done just to eat, like ANYTHING..... and then then police caught her going down on me. i said " officer, it isn't what you think! she was telling me her story and i just got sucked in!"
NSFW Joey Rings At His New Girlfriends Door
Her father opens.
"Hi, my name is Joey Tudor, I came over to f#ck your daughter"
"To whaaaaaaat?"
"Tudor!"
... Well it sureley works better in german with the name Umberto, but I hope it translates.
I Just Added Princess Diana To My Xbox Friends List.
I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...
My Wife Has This Really Weird Fetish...
She likes to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.
Did You Hear How Mexico Announced It's Solving Their Country's Housing Crisis?
The Mexican government has decided to build apartment
THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
My Wife Phoned Me, Panting And Breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."
It's Funny How Certain Scents Can Bring Back Memories Of People We Associated With Those Scents
like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.
"Get In," I Said To The Prostitute.
"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."
A Priest, A Rabbi And A Duck All Walk Into A Bar...
[put your best punchlines in the comments, I couldn't think of anything]
Friday, March 24, 2017
What's The Difference Between Gordon Ramsey And A Run In The Forest?
Ones a pant in the country the others a...
Vermont's 4 Seasons
Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction
THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Looks Like The Indian Bakery Nearby Is Going Through Some Tough Times...
... I've just heard they've fired all Naan-essential staff.
A Young Arkansas Boy Goes Off To College.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
And The Lord Said Unto John, "Come Forth And Receive Eternal Life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The Inventors Of The Automobile Air Conditioner
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Three Guys Are Waiting In A Maternity Ward
The nurse walks out of the doors and approaches the first man. "Congratulations Sir, your wife had twins!" she says. The first man says "What a coincidence, I own the Minnesota Twins!"
Twenty minutes later she walks out again and says to the second man, "Your wife had triplets!" The man says' "Wow, I work for triple crown!"
Fifteen minutes later the nurse appears again only to find the third man bawling his eyes out. "What's wrong?" She asks.
"I work for 7-Up!" he wails.
Lost In The Desert
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".
Thursday, March 23, 2017
What Is The Tallest Building In The Entire World
Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world? A: The library, because it has so many stories.
A Man Got Hit In The Head With A Can Of Coke
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
A Group Of Chess Enthusiasts Checked Into A Hotel
A gathering of chess aficionados registered with an inn and were remaining in the anteroom examining their late competition triumphs. After around 60 minutes, the supervisor left the workplace and requesting that they scatter. In any case, why? they asked, as they got off. since, he said I can't stand chess nuts bragging in an open hall.
The Only Reason Your Girlfriend Likes To Suck Your Cock.....
.....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.
Two Guys Are Watching A Dog Lick Its Privates.
One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."
An oldie, but I always liked it.
Sheikh Was Talking To His Travel Agent....
Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently....
The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go....
Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and spent some days and my wife Razia got pregnant.....
Then two years ago, you told me to enjoy Bahamas, and Razia got pregnant again....
Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.....
Travel agent: So, what are you going to do this year that is different?....
Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me :-)
I Met Up With Two Friends Of Mine. One Of Them Asked Me What Did I Do Yesterday, And I Said I Watched Rashomon.
But the second friend had a different story.
A Special Package For Business Mens.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Mens. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply... Which Trip ?
What Is It Called When You Walk Away From Your Banana Cream Pie In The Sahara?
Deserting your dessert in the desert.
I feel some banana jokes about to be inserted in this thread tho
Wife Comes Home Late At Night
Wife gets back home late during the evening furthermore, discreetly opens the way to her room. From under the cover she sees four legs rather than two! She goes after a homerun stick furthermore, begins hitting the cover as hard as possible. Once she's finished, she goes to the kitchen to have a beverage. As she enters, she sees her spouse there, perusing a magazine. greetings sweetheart he says, your folks have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our room. Trust you have made proper acquaintance with them.
Best Jokes Students And Teacher
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Buying A Diamond Ring For Wife
Wife : I saw in my dream that u were buying a diamond ring 4 me . . . Husband : i saw your dad paying da bill
Christmas Is Canceled This Year.
Hoe HOoo HOe Hooo Hoooo were his last words as Kanye gunned him down for disrespecting his woman.
Firefighters
One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give 50,000 Euros to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 Euros to the fire department who could save the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 Euros, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief," What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said Paddy Murphy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting we're gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fecking truck !"
What Do You Call It When Someone Hacks Your Bank Account, And Performs A Transaction That Leaves You With Exactly As Much Money As You Had Before?
Identity theft!
A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.
The Girl Asks Her Father "what's The Difference Between Theory And Reality"?
The father responds "would you fuck a random man for a million dollars"? The daughter replies " well of course"!
Father says "ok go ask your mom the same question".
The girl returns and says "mom said for that much money, definitely".
The father lets out a long sigh, "well sweetheart, here's the difference.. In theory we're millionaires, but in reality I'm living with a couple of whores".
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
April Fools Day On A News Channel
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
I Wanted To Go As The Invisible Man For Halloween This Year.
But my Girlfriend made me put my clothes back on.
20 Long Years
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
Episodes 4, 5, And 6 Of Star Wars Came Before Episodes 1, 2, And 3...
...because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
The Lazy Husband
This is a variation of a chinese parable but I also found it funny.
There once was a husband and wife and the husband was very lazy. He was so lazy that he couldn’t even feed himself
One day his wife had to leave town for a few days so she made a big donut and put it around his neck so he could just lean forward and eat it.
When she came back she found that her husband had died due to starvation. He had eaten all the donut in front of him but was too lazy to turn the donut so he could eat the rest.
Lunch Hour
I had a meeting in about 30 minutes and would hate to present the sales pitch on an empty stomach. 15 minutes was all I had to spare and 15 minutes to rush back and prepare. Guess what, its lunch hour and every food shop in the city appears to have a long queues. Looking around saw a restaurant neon flashing in mid daylight. Though, that'll do. Went in, and it was packed, except there was a chair empty at a table on the other end of the busy restaurant hall. On the other chair on that table, behold, its my boss, yelling at the waiter. My boss always yells, doesn't matter who, there is always a reason for him. I made my way there and asked as politely as possible if I may join him. He looked upset, more than the usual, looked at me with a red face throbbing in anger, didn't say anything. Well, he did not say no, I took my chance and sat down. The waiter came and I asked him what he can bring me now, without waiting. He replied 'the special soup'. So be it, soup it is. I noticed that boss had not touched his soup, the same one I ordered and it is just sitting there. Looked at my watch and 6 minutes had already passed. Asked him if he was going to have that soup, I ordered the same and he could have mine which would arrive hot. Thought to my self the he must be aware of the meeting I'm presenting in. Well, here goes, I pulled bowl towards me again with as much politeness as I could manage. Amazingly my bosses expression remained absolutely unchanged. I started gobbling down the soup like there is no tomorrow. And as I reached the bottom of the bowl I could notice something there. Heck what ever, I kept at it and finally when I finished it all I could see that the object at the bottom of the bowl was a dead cockroach. Dear goodness, my stomach churned and almost in a single reflex all of what I just swallowed I puked back out onto the bowl drop for drop.
As I was reeling from it and began to process the information of what just happened, my boss spoke. "That's right, I did exactly the same!"
Russian Joke Pt. 2
So the KGB kidnap three Russians for interrogation. They walk up to the first Russian and ask "what do you think of our great leader Stalin" to which the Russian says "Oh, he is terrible leader, ruin country and economy.." shot
They then walk up to the second Russian and ask "what do you think of our great leader Stalin". HE is to scared to answer so says nothing. The KGB officer then says "You have no praise for our great leader" shot
The officer then walks up to the third and final Russian and again says "what do you think of our great leader Stalin". The Russian immediately says "oh he is great leader, I love him, he is best thing to happen to country". The officer screams "LIES, you hide your treachery and shall pay for it" shot
[meta] New Mobile Site Is Great For /r/jokes
The new format of the mobile site http://m.reddit.com/r/jokes shows post titles along with a preview of the post details, meaning you can read the one liners without entering the post.
What Did The Hurricane Say To The Palm Tree?
Hold onto your nuts this ain't going to be any ordinary Blow Job!!
An Old Joke Told In The Soviet Union...
Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing.” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”
What's The Difference Between An Onion And A Dead Whore?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
(Jack the Ripper)
The Gay Pride Flag Back Story
some two gay guys (lets call them a and b for simplicity)
a said 'we are proud of who we are, but we need a flag design'
'what about pink?' replied b
'no, its too fabulous'
'blue?'
'nope, thats too fabulous aswell'
'wow, look a rainbow'
'its...its fabulous'
What Do You Call A Fast Country?
I ran.
Which one is faster?
Rush sia.
How about d fastest?
E jeep.
No? K
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
A Cannibal Is Having A Meal At A Restaurant
After finishing his main course he tells the waiter "Czech please"
The First Rule Is That Any Numbered List Of Rules Will Lead To A Fight Club Reference.
The second rule is that any numbered list of rules will lead to a Fight Club reference.
A Joke My Granpda Tells To Me Every Time I See Him
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"
Gynecologists Favorite Song
Show me your genitals, your genitals Show me your genitals, genitalia Show me your genitals, your genitals Show me your genitals, genitalia
Knock, knock, who's there? It's me Wondering why you're not naked Knock, knock, who's there? Me again Still wondering why you're not naked
Lush Is Kinda Like Cocaine.
Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.
Having Fun With Your Primary-school Friends, A Perfectly Legal Thing To Do, Before...
...the age of consent was invented.
A Socially Awkward Guy At A Party...
...never knows what to say to women. So a friend suggests asking them if they're married, have any kids.
"Are you married?"
"No."
"um...have any kids...?" She gives him a disgusted look, walks away.
He thinks to himself, maybe I did that wrong, let me try it again.
"Have any kids?"
"Yes."
"Are you married...?"
Diff Good Girl & Bad Girl
What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?
A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
Why Do Donut Shops Not Hire Security?
Because Cops go there willingly.
Free security and protection.
School Ahead, Go Slow!
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said. "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
Teacher shocked, Joseph rocked.
You Know What The Problem Is With Dating A White Girl With A Mixed Baby?
The kid never spends the weekend at their dad's house.
I'll just see myself out
A Time Traveler Went Back To The 1600s
To support himself and learn more about life in the past, he decided to become a dock builder.
He quit and found something else to do after his first one, because he didn't want to create a pair of docks.
Which E.D. Is Worst, Erectile Dysfunction Or Explosive Diarrhea?
The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction..
The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction.
The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction.
The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or bottom.
Monday, March 20, 2017
What Do You Call A Hotel
What do you call a hotel special that lets policemen stay for two nights for the price of one?
CuNO3!
Why Did The Japanese Man Take A Stick Of Butter And Some Oil To His Garden?
He wanted to see a butterfry
"Doctor, I Have An Embarrassing Medical Problem..." NSFW
Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.
"I have five penises."
"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"
"Like a glove!"
How Do You Know If A Black Lady Is Pregnant?
If she pulls out her tampon and all the cotton has been picked.
What Does The Chinese Dictionary Say Under The Word "Berate?"
Berate-When you don't show up on time.
What does the Chinese dictionary say under the word "Bereft?"
Bereft- What happens to you when you berate.
I Just Left My Job
I just left my job. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
What did he say?
You're fired.
How Many Sorority Girls Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
I don't know, but it must be an odd number because, "they can't even."
What Do You Call Someone Who Used To Frequent R/jailbait?
A child p/redditor
I have another. I couldn't decide between them.
What are alien's nemesis when they are young?
Child Predators.
I'm sorry. Also, ed:sp
I Used To Be Opposed To Organ Transplant...
But after having one done myself; I guess I've had a change of heart.
Asking A Question
During the computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talkingto the girl sitting behind him.
"I was just asking her a question, " the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher replied.
"OK," the boy answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
A Teacher Is Teaching A Class And She Sees That Johnny Isn't Paying Attention, So She Asks Him, "If There Are Three Ducks Sitting On A Fence, And You Shoot One, How Many Are Left?"
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
I Was Flipping Through The Channels....
and my wife asked was on the TV. I said "dust" And that's how the fight started.
A Rabbit, A Lion And A Bear...
got trapped in a hole. After a couple of hours the lion exclaims: "Listen, guys, I'm sorry but I'm getting hungry...". Then the rabbit cries: "You touch the bear, I'm gonna kick the shit out of you mothafucka!".
Christmas Stuff [all]
So what's up with all of the Christmas ads and it's not even Guy Fawke's day? Like who thinks of this stuff?
Sunday, March 19, 2017
An English Professor Told Her Students That There Would Be No Excuse For Not Showing Up For Their Final Exam
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:
What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:
You can write with your other hand.
My Mother Is Horrible At Breaking Bad News...
I came home one day and my mother looked distressed. She told me that she felt really terrible and that she'd been having an affair. She also told me that I couldn't tell dad.
"Why not?" I asked.
She replied, "Because he just passed away."
So An Austrian Man And His Wife Have A Problem...
She tells her husband "I'm hungry" He says "Eat something" She then tells her husband "But I'm also horny" He then says "I have a solution"
So he gave her his WeinerSchnitzel. Problem solved.
An Elderly Man Goes To Get His Haircut At The Local Barber Shop...
During the haircut he told the barber that he has trouble shaving his face now because he has wrinkles and it's hard to get in there.
"Oh that's a very common problem," the barber says. "What you can do is borrow this wooden ball and when you shave next, put it inside your cheek and that should stretch your skin out enough for a good shave!"
So the man takes it home and when he shaved the next morning, he found that it worked like a charm. When he was taking it back to the barber he thought since the ball is so small it could pose a choking hazard and asked the barber about if there's ever been any problems.
"Oh yeah we've had some guys swallow it. They usually just return it in a couple days later."
"I Must Go," Said My Friend.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."
Two Cows Are Grazing In A Field...
One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
A Iranian, A Israeli, And A Nazi Are Walking Through The Desert...
....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".
The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we had 1,000 tanks". The Genie says "Granted".
The Israeli thinks for a minute and says: "My country is in danger now because of these tanks, I wish for a wall around Israel that will keep out these tanks and protect us". The Genie says "Granted".
The Nazi thinks for a minute, and says: "Tell me about this wall". The Genie replies: "Well, it is 1,000 meters tall, 100 meters thick, and made of solid steel. The only way in our out is by helicopter or plane". The Nazi thinks for a bit, asks: "Nothing can get through?". "Correct" says the Genie. The Nazi says: "Fill it with water".
This joke was developed by a multicultural team of various faiths and beliefs.
Koala Who Likes To Smoke Weed.
Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,
After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" he said while looking up. "Smoking some weed because I"m bored man. U wanna join me mate?" "Sure!" said the lizzard as he climbed up and up untill he reached the Koala.
20 minutes has passed. The lizzard said, after he laughed at a joke koala told: "Damn I'm so thirsthy. Do u have any water?" "Sure" said the koala. "Just go down, Then go to your right there about the 10th tree on your left. There's a lake with plenty of water." "Thanks!" said the lizzard as he climbed down the tree and searched for the lake."
He's really enjoying the water as he drank. But then! The unexpected happend. He fell in the water! Unable to swim, he almost drowned. A big alligator who saw what happend jumped in the water to save the little lizzard. "DUDE! U know u can't swim, what are u doing here in the water?" "I"m so sorry but i was smoking weed with my koala friend, and I got thursty so I went for a drink." "Weed?" asked the aligater. And where is this koala bear? "Oh he is over there. about 10 trees further then to your left."
The koala, smoking his last little bit of weed, looks down an sees the alligator. "Goddamn, How much water did u drank?"
Oral Relief
'Darling, I want some.... Oral relief.'
'You mean you want a blowjob?'
'No, I just want you to shut up.'
Damn Girl, Are You Reddit?
Because you're boring, racist, and have one-sided opinions...but I can't quit you...
Two Older Couples Are Having Dinner
and afterwards when the wives get up to get dessert, one husband says to the other, "you should go to the restaurant we went to last night, it was great!" "Sure" says the other, "what's the name?" The first replies, "Um, what do you call the flower with red petals and thorns on it?" "a rose" said the second". "Right" the first says, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
I Saw A Billboard The Other Day For A Sports Team Called The Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
Bought A Jug Of Detergent That Said It Will Clean 126 Loads.
...So why, after 3 washes, do my sheets still glow under the black light?
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Why Don't Hollywood Talent Agents Drink Chocolate Milk?
Because it's not about who you know, but no Yoo-hoo.
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
[NSFW] How Did The Redneck Mother Know That Her Daughter Was Having Her Period?
Grandpa's dick tasted funny.
LPT: How To Avoid Calling Overweight Women Pregnant (in An Ice Cream Store)
I used to work at an ice cream store and knew that it would be a touchy situation if I called an overweight woman pregnant. So what I would do is ask "When are you expecting?" As soon as you can tell they are upset instead of excited you follow it up with "To lose all of that weight. When are you expecting to lose all of that weight? Ice cream is a terrible idea"
Awkward situation avoided.
Little Johnny Is In The Classroom, Learning How To Add.
"How much is two plus two, Johnny?" asks the teacher.
Johnny hesitates, looks at his hand, and starts counting with his fingers: "One, two, three, four!" he exclaims.
"No, no. Johnny," says the teacher. "You can't use your hands. You have to count in your head. So, how much is four plus four, Johnny?" she asks again.
Johnny hides his hands behind his back and whispering to himself, counts, "One, two, three, four... eight!" he shouts triumphantly.
"No, no, no, Johnny!" replies the teacher angrily. "Now put your hands in your pockets and tell me how much is five plus five?"
Johnny puts his hands in his pockets, concentrates, takes a few minutes and then cries out, "Eleven, ma'am!"
Balls Of Steel
Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.
They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler. The coach was saying, "Beware of the Russian and his famous hold - the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!." The match begins and the Russian finally gets an advantage on the American and he is in the dreaded pretzel hold. The spectators start to get up to leave. Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.
Later the American coach asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler responds, "Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.
So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.
It's amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!"
Friday, March 17, 2017
A Woman Gets On A Bus With Her Baby. The Bus Driver Says: ''Ugh, That's The Ugliest Baby I've Ever Seen!''
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
A Husband Forgot His Wife's Anniversary...
So a husband forgot that today was his anniversary, and naturally, his wife was upset and mad at him. The wife then gave him an ultimatum. "If I dont see something chrome plated that can go 0-100 in less than 5 seconds in the garage by tomorrow morning, the neighbors will see you walking away from this house with a large suitcase." The husband, worried, went away and thought to himself "what in the world could she possibly want..." He thought long and hard, and finally thought of something that would be perfect for her. In fact, it was exactly what she asked for! "How could this ever go wrong!" he thought to himself. The next day rolls around, and the husband takes his wife's hand to the garage. The wife, not seeing anything, asks "where is it?" The husband points at the floor, on which lay a chrome plated weighing scale.
A Courteous Pick-up Line
Guy's in a bar waiting to pick-up an evening's entertainment when this reasonably hot lady sits on the stool next to him.
He doesn't say anything to her, and after about 20 minutes, she says to him ... "OK - I've got to ask you a question".
He says, "Sure - what?"
She says: "During the past 20 minutes, you've stroked your mustache away from your upper lip at least ten times and each time you've done it, you've tried to catch my eye. What exactly are you trying to say with that move?"
He says, "I'm not trying to say anything ... I'm just clearing off a place for you to sit ...".
Women Get Insulted From Driver
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Did You Hear About The Straight White Male Viscount Who Ruled With An Iron Fist Over One Field?
He was an oppressive shitlord.
My MOM Says Life Is A Race
Life iS A Tragedt When SeeN In CloSE-UP, LONG-SHOT. To Truly Laugh, You Must be Able to Take Your PAIN, And PLAY With iT!
3 Guys Go Skiing...
3 guys go on a snow trip, 2 of the guys are veteran skiers while their 3rd friend is new to the experience.
After a long day on the slopes, they decide to call it a day.
They head back to their hotel room, they will all be sharing the same bed tonight.
The two experienced skiers sleep on the outsides leaving the inexperienced friend to sleep in the middle.
They all wake up the next morning, and to the more experienced friends surprise they seemed to have had the same dream.
One of the friends exclaims , "Dude! I had this dream ,this chick was giving me the best handjob I've ever had!"
The other skiier shoots back with the same enthusiasm exclaiming he experienced the same dream!
The third friend who isn't so good at skiing chimes in with, "I don't know why you guys had the same dream, I just a had a really weird dream that I was skiing with these really squishy poles."
The Newest IPhone 6 Plus Has An Excellent Battery Life, Thanks To...
...the energy generated by the perpetual motion of Steve Jobs rolling in his grave.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
I Was Going To Grease My Mechanic's Hand With A $20 Bill For The Phenomenal Job He Did But
he already overcharged me by $200.
Is It Big Enough?!
Three men are lost walking through a jungle wilderness and come upon a giant ravine. To continue onwards they must find a way to cross. Just as they are about to give up and turn back a magical genie appears!
"Greetings wanderers! I am the great genie of this giant crack and I will aid you in crossing this ravine IF you all show me your cocks and between you they all add up to 13 inches."
So, reluctantly the first man pulls out his cock and shows the genie. The second man calmly follows suit and finally the third man shows his.
Satisfied the 3 cocks amount to 13 inches the genie escorts the 3 men to the other side.
The first man sighs and says "Thank god my cock is 6 inches long" The 2nd man replies "Thank god my cock is 6 inches long too" To which the 3rd man replies "Thank god I had an erection!"
How Do You Know What Kind Of Jewish Wedding You're At?
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!
Son Accidentally Sees Dad Put A Condom On
Dad tells him he was just dressing his penis as a ghost for Halloween.
When mom gets home, she asks the son if he wants to be Casper for Halloween. He says, "No way, my sister is going as a ghost eater."
Happy Halloween Everyone!
Got A Blowjob From A Blind Girl Last Night...
..or at least I think it was a blowjob, it was dark and my bionic cock doesn't feel shit.
Scooby And The Gang On Family Fortunes
The host goes to Daphne and asks her to name an endangered African animal, she ponders for a second and then a voice in the background goes "Rhino!"
The host says "I know you do Scooby, but it's not your go..."
One-percenters And Jimmy Swaggart
One-percenters' relationship with politicians is like Jimmy Swaggart's with prostitutes. They pay lots of money to see other people get fucked.
Everything Is Bigger In Texas
A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.
Next they drive past a couple of barns.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'
They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.
'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.
The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'
Suggestion: Something That Implies Or Indicates A Certain Fact Or Situation.
It doesn't matter what you say what matters is how you say it.
Serious -President in hostage negotiation: "I want you to release the sea men in your submarine."
Sexy -Porn Star: "I want you to release the sea men in your submarine."
If this joke went over your "head" just walk away.
Old Man Goes To A Doctor...
Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.
The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:
"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar levels, your ECG is perfect... How is that possible?"
"Well" old man replies "probably because I'm physically active. You see, I walk every day, I go fishing regulary..."
"No" the doctor interrupts him "that couldn't possibly explain this phenomenon. This must be genetic. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"
"My father is not dead! - the old man replies - He's alive and well just as I am. We go fishing together."
The doctor is gobsmacked. With a shaky voice, he asks:
"How old is he?"
"Almost a hundred. He married young."
"Wow! This is phenomenal! Now, how about your grandfather? Can you remember how old was he when he died?"
"He's not dead either! He's almost 120."
Now the doctor is skeptical.
"I guess he too goes fishing with you and your father?"
"Oh, no, this week he'll be at home, he's preparing for his wedding"
"He's getting married at 120?"
"Well, he doesn't really want to, but his parents are nagging him..."
Urbanite Tries Moose Hunting
A man was walking home from his job on Wall street and happened to walk past the grand opening for a new wilderness superstore. He decides to go on and take a look around. After walking through the camping and fishing sections he ends up in the hunting supply section. He notices the trophy heads mounted on the wall and is drawn to the moose. Despite having never gone further then the subway map his entire life he decides he is going to go moose hunting.
He finds a Grizzly Adams looking employee at the store and tells the man "I want everything I need to go moose hunting."
After some questions Grizzly Adams realised this new hunter has lots of money but zero outdoor experience. He sells city boy 5 full outfits of hunting clothes, a high end tent and sleeping bag, camp stove and cooking gear and all the odds and ends needed for a week long stay in the woods. They make their way over to the firearm section and Grizzly sells the man the most expensive rifle they sell.
Looking over his haul city boy asks "so now that I have all this gear am I guaranteed I'll get a moose?"
Grizzly looks around to make sure no one was listening in and leaned in close to city boy. He quietly tells him he can guarantee the man gets a moose if he can keep quiet about a family hunting secret of his. City boy eagerly agrees and Grizzly takes him to the back room of the store. Grizzly produced a wooden box the size of a shoe box and puts it on the table in the centre of the room. City boy opens the box and the smell that came from the box nearly knocked him flat on his back. He looks at grizzly through his watering eyes and asks what the rancid stink has to do with moose hunting.
Grizzly explains "this box holds your secret weapon to guarantee you land a moose, the vagina from a female moose. Just put this on a string around your neck and you'll have a bull moose coming your way in no time."
Satisfied with his haul, moose box and all, city boy pays for his gear and heads off to the wilderness to kill a majestic moose.
About 2 weeks later Grizzly notices that same city boy walking in his store. City boy looks like he's been in a fight he has a black eye, his arm in a sling and cuts and scrapes on every bit of exposed skin he can see. As soon as city boy sees Grizzly stomps right over to him points in his face and yells "you son of a bitch I'm going to sue you and take everything you have!"
Confused, Grizzly asks the man what's the problem. City boy gets right in his face and yells "you never sold me any bullets for that gun. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED BY A MOOSE!?!?"
A Guy Goes Into The Pub
And tells his friends about this girl he found tied to the train tracks last night and how he untied her and they went into the bushes and fucked,His mates say did she give good head? I dunno couldn't find the head
How Does A Mathematician Deal With Constipation?
The same way he deals with all his other problems. He works it out with a pencil.