She dumped the parts in a pan and said, "What a lousy selection. Four wings, two necks, and three backs." . The parrot said, "Wow! I wish I could have seen that bird when it was alive."
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
Pages
▼
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
It's Strange Isn't It
It's strange isn't it, you stand in a library and go "Aaaaaargh" and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.
"Enough With The Boys, I Need A Real Man..."
...I said to myself while taking out the batteries from my Game Boy and putting them into a vibrator.
This Bloke Said To Me
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
Fallout 4 Doesnt Come Out In Japan Until Dec. 17th
Which is fair because they got the original fallout 70 years before us
German Hell And Italian Hell
Mario Schultz dies. He was an awful person, therefore he goes straight to Hell where he stands in front of the Devil.
"Welcome to Hell, mr. Schultz" says the Devil "it occured to me that you have both german and italian citizenships: according to ILODAD (International Law On Destination After Death), you are able to choose wheter to go to german Hell or italian Hell".
Mario Schultz is very scared "Excellenz, you know, dis iz my firzt time in Hell. Kould you be zo nice to help me?"
The Devil looks around to be sure no one is listening and then says: "Trust me: go to the italian Hell".
"Why? Iz german Hell zo bad?"
"Well, my old pal, german Hell is horrifying as usual: boiled oil on open wounds, pitchforks hitting your back, Demons whipping your face, and so on".
"Mein Gott! It iz terrible! And italian Hell iz better, izn't it?"
"Well, it's pretty the same: boiled oil on open wounds, pitchforks hitting your back, Demons whipping your face, and so on."
"Excellenz...I don't understand...why iz italian Hell better than german Hell?"
And the Devil replies "You know how the italians work: one day someone steals the pitchforks, an other day someone forgets to boil the oil, then the devils are on strike..."
The Doorbell Rings And The Moviestar Sees His Daily Maid Standing At His Door
- You know… - says the girl shyly- I love everything about you: your personality, your sense of humour, your style, your charm. So you still don’t know it but your sperm is in the best possible place you could imagine…. You will be the father of my child!
- But how?! We have never ever had sex, for Christ’s sake!
- I am sorry to say that but… When cleaning up your room I found a fully loaded condom next to your bed this morning and I took my opportunity...
- Ah, all clear... But wait! Your child would belong to my lover then.
A Grandma Walked Into A Hospital With A Knife In Her Knee
How did this happen? The doctor asked.
I tried to kill myself.
Then why did you stab yourself in the knee?
I read on the internet that the heart is located two fingers below the breasts.
[OFFENSIVE] How Do You Circumcise A Hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw...
(Heard this one the other day from a friend, and thought I might share it here. :P)
Kill The Cat On The First Night
A man and woman got married and enter their hotel room. The wife had decided to bring her cat with her. While the husband and wife were lying in bed the cat meowed and the husband looked towards it and said ONE. Then after a little bit the cat meowed again and the husband said TWO. Then while the husband and wife were in conversation, the cat meowed again for the third time and the husband silently pulled out his sword and cut off it's head! In the morning, the husband requested a glass of water from his wife but she told him to get it himself. He said ONE and quickly came the glass of water.
A Teenage Girl Had Been Talking On The Phone For About Half An Hour, And Then She Hung Up.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Success Is Like Being Pregnant.
People will congratulate you, but no one knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.
What Did The Phone Say To The Other Phone After A Bad Rejection?
If you like it then you shudda put a ringtone on it.
Why Did The Little Greek Boy Cross The Road? (Offensive)
Because he wanted to warn the people on the other side of the road that there was an offensive underway. However, the people on the other side of the road did not give a shit about the offensive, so they beat the little Greek boy with rubber hoses, which caused him to become insensitive (and urinate blood). As a result, he killed and ate his horse, Trigger.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
My Mother Came Up To Me And Said, "Son, What Does MILF Stand For?"
I said, "Mum I'd Like to Fuck"
She said, "Ok, let me bath first."
Dad Told Me This One Tonight...
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A Hippo weighs a ton.. And a Zippo is a little lighter.
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
Here's my entry:
"Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".
A Guy Walks Up To A White Girl At Starbucks
"Hey girl, Are you Sodium Oxide? Because you're so basic."
Financial Management
A Man found 100$, He went to a 5 star hotel for Dinner there. His bill was 300$.When He said that He has only 100$, then Manager handed Him to Police. He gave 100$ to Police and went free. Its Called Financial Management.!!
Son: Dad! The Captain Of The Basketball Team Called Me Gay Today...
Dad: What! I hope in hell you didn't let him get away with that. This is what you should do. Next time you see him, sucker punch him in the face.
Son: But dad, he's sooooo cute.
Two Old Friends Meet.
They are both crazy now, but they knew each other before they became mad.
They laugh at each other, each saying, I heard you are crazy now. After this laughs everyone claims he is mentally alright and it is the other who s mad, they decide to give each other a test to prove themselves.
The first takes a torch, points it into the sky and lights it, and tells the second, climb.
The second thinks for a moment, he s figure out what his good friend is up to, then tells him, you want me to climb and when I reach the sky you will shut the light off and I fall down you stupid!
They both laugh, he had passed the test
So the second wonders what will challenge his friend, finally he looks down and grabs a stone and hides it in his hands, then asks his friend, what do I have in my hands?
The first claims it is a stupid challenge he should find a clever one. The second denies and tells him he is saying that because he can't pass it.
The first, upset, says, it is a grenade you dumb ass! I saw you taking it!
The second puts it down slowly and says, damn you are good!
And they are both happy, because finally they found out they are actually mentally fit
Tunnel
Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.
Lifehack: Make Sure You Give Your Child A Normal Name
Me: are you still mad your parents named you "lifehack"?
I Am Being Accused Of Stealing A Horse. I Said I Didn't Do It.
They said there is mounting evidence to the contrary.
What's The Difference Between Heaven And Hell?
In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks.
In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.
What We Can Say
Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.
But white people can say things that black people can't. Like "thanks for the warning officer" and "hi dad"
What Is The Difference Between A Nerd And A Troll.
Trolls were once Nerds too before they went over to the Dork side.
Chuck Norris Isn't Real...
If he had been real, he would've come here and probably smash my head on my keyboarjfjcjcndndjxucbfjdi oejebhh jdudyehsbsj
A Small Boy Gets Visits From A Fortune Telling Crow..
One morning as Ben was waking up before riding the bus to third grade, a crow appeared at his window sill. The crow looked at Ben and said "Your Aunt Jill is gonna die." Ben went to school with the crow visit constantly on his mind and after he arrived home his mother sat him down and broke the news to him that her sister had died in a car wreck earlier that day. Months later, much like the first encounter, Ben woke up to a crow on his window sill. "Your doggie is gonna die." cawked the crow. Ben then made his way down to the kitchen table for breakfast where his parents informed him that his dog Buddy had "ran away". Later in that same month a final visit came from the crow "Your daddy's gonna die". Ben became very scared, so much that he confessed everything to his father, including the previous prophecies from the black bird. Ben's father was distraught and went through work that day paranoid as he expected a car to hit him or an attack while on the street. He made it safely through the day and returned home to tell his wife how horrible his day had been. "It was terrible, I peeked around every corner expecting death to be there waiting for me. You don't know how it feels to think that your life will end on this very day." His wife responded "You think your day was bad, today the gardener collapsed dead right in our flowerbed!"
A Girl With A Tough Attitude Purposefully Bumps A Guy Walking By Her...
The guy looks at her and the girl says "what the hell are you gonna do about it" so he rapes her.
Three Guys Get Stranded On An Island...
They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you exert any sort of emotion, we will kill you." He attempts it but starts grunting from the effort so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.
In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?" The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a watermelon."
State Trooper
A woman is driving through rural Pennsylvania when red and blue lights come on in her rearview mirror. The officer approaches the vehicle.
Officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Woman: Ya, you wanted to invite me to the policeman's ball! Officer: Ma'am I am a Pennsylvania State Trooper and we don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence..... The officer tipped his hat, returned to his patrol car and left.
Why Are Android Smartphones Eco-friendly?
Because they're powered by jellybeans and lollipops and marshmallows.
mmmmm
Monday, May 29, 2017
Teacher Vs Kids :P
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Really Wanted The Day Off, So I Text My Boss
Me: I can't come in today. I'm sick Boss: How sick are you?
Me: Well I'm currently in bed with my sister......
I Have A Feeling A Lot Of Resumes From Mizzou Students Are Going Into The "maybe" Pile.
That's the joke. The joke that's running through my head while submitted applications for interships/co-ops tonight.
What's The Difference Between Harass And Annoy?
I have never had my finger in annoy.
Edit: NSFW.. depending where you work, I guess.
[NSFW] Why Did The Priest Cum On The Little Boy's Face Twice?
Because Jesus said to turn the other cheek
When I Was A Kid There Were Reports Of Alligators In The Sewers That Would Come Up Through Toilets.
It turned out to be a croc of shit.
The Republicans Asked The Democrats What It Would Take
to stop being considered stupid. The democrats said "Just put forth one presidential candidate who can make a brain surgeon look like an idiot."
I Love Peanut Butter Sandwiches So Much...
I'm #1 on The Banana Republic's International Most Wanted List
I Made A Bunch Of Custom T-shirts For My Footballer Friends, And They Suddenly Turned Into Philosophers.
Must've been the soccer tees.
Heard This On My Last Flight With Southwest From The Captain:
It was an early flight, 3am to be exact. There were only a handful of passengers. A rather introverted man sat in the very back away from everyone else on board. While sitting there, early in the flight, the man heard someone whisper, "you are quite the handsome fellow".
The man was puzzled and was looking all around to find who said it. No one was near him. A few minutes later, he heard the same voice whisper again, " you are so well dressed". Again the man looked around; no one there. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
Once more, the voice returned. " do you work out, because you look like you work out."
The man, at this point a little freaked out, waived down an attendant who had started beverage orders up front. The attendant came to the man and the man told him what was going on.
When he asked "So where the hell is this voice coming from?!" The flight attendant smiled and said "Oh! Those are our complimentary peanuts!".
How Do You Make A Baby Politician Cry?
How do you make a baby politician cry.
Take away his slush-y fund.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
A Guy Who's Been Married...
A guy who's been married to his wife for 10 years got to talking to his wife one day after supper. The man zones out and his wife replies,"Honey what were you thinking about just now?" The man replies "I thought I was in heaven just now". Wife asks "what was it like and was I there?" The man says "No you wasn't that's why I thought I was in heaven".
The Past, Present And Future Walk Into A Bar...
And talked about the same jokes that were reposted on /r/jokes.
New Girlfriend (59)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Samara, because I just added the song "Samara" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
So A Girl Asked Me If I Was A Tits Or An Ass Man..
so I said, well my friends always tell me, "You're an ass, man!"
Ba dum tiss.
How Are A Frying Pan And A Beautiful Woman Similar?
You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in.
Some People Take Offense To The Use Of Terms Like "trashy" And "white Trash"
Because it implies that a person is worthy of nothing more than to be discarded and to slowly rot away in a landfill. And I agree, I think it's awful to suggest that a human being should be treated like my girlfriend's baby.
What's The Difference Between A Seafood Restaurant And A Prostitute?
Nothing, they both smell like fish and have crabs.
Bill Said To Hillary
One day bill said to Hillary " Is the reason you want to be president to sleep with an intern for revenge."
To which Hillary replied " I guess that depends what the meaning of is is"
How Do You Tell The Sex Of An Ant?
Put it in a bucket of water. If it sinks you have a girl ant but if it floats you have a buoyant.
The Robot (joke I Heard From A Friend)
In the future, this one family has a robot which would slap them every time they lie, to keep them straight. The boy is talking to the robot. "How was school today?" The robot asked "It was fine, I guess" the boy replied. The robot slapped him. "Alright, I wasn't at school, I was hanging with one of my friends. We weren't doing much, anyways" The boy gets slapped again. "Fine, we drank a little" The boy's parents comes in, ready to scold him. "Young man, when I was your age, I stayed away from that stuff. I didn't even know what it was!" The father gets slapped by the robot. The mom says "Honey, you really need to get him to stop these habits, he is your son after all!" The mom got slapped by the robot
Old People Used To Poke Me At Weddings And Say "Your Next."
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Guy Walks Into A Bar And Is In Despair....
He sits down and asks for 6 top shelf whiskey shots all lined up....
The bartender pours them all out and the guy quickly shoots them one by one.
He asks for 6 more and the bartender obliged. As he's pouring the next 6 shots he gently asks the guy if he's ok.
The man replies with an awkward demeanor - " yah....I'm ok... But you would be nervous too if you had what I had."
The bartender asks the man curiously as he is finishing pouring the last round of shots....... "well... What do you have??"
the man quickly finishes drinking the last of the second round of shots and replies...
" fifty cents."
The Football Team
A football team was travelling on a plane to South America to attend to an important game.
In mid flight, the captain notices that the airplane starts shaking a lot; so he calls the hostess to the cockpit and asks her:
"- What's going on back there?!"
"- It's the team, captain; they're playing..."
"- Well then make them stop! It's really dangerous to do such a thing in an airplane!"
The hostess leaves, and 5 minutes later, the plane stopped shaking. The captain calls her to the cockpit again, and asks:
"- How did you make them stop so quickly?"
"-Simple. I told them to go play outside."
Really Wanted The Day Off, So I Texted My Boss...
"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
I'm not coming in this morning.
(I got some time off now)
What's The Difference Between American And Muslim Teenage Girls?
It's illegal to fuck American girls when they're 12.
What Do A Mexican And A Cue Ball Have In Common?
The harder you hit them, the more english you get out of them.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Man Walks Into His Bedroom
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
What's A Hater, Homophobe, Racist, Bigot, And Sexist?
Any conservative winning an argument with a liberal, Democrat or 'progressive'.
I Was In The Car With My Son.
"Daddy, why did you and Mummy break up?" he asked.
I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Why not?" he asked.
"We're on the way to a funeral," I replied, "Where we're supposed to be sad."
If Four Out Of Five People Suffer From Radiation Poisoning...
Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Having A Relationship Is Like Taking Your SAT.
There's a lot of cheating, you never finish at the same time, and, in the end, you end up trying again in a few months.
A Miracle Birth
A doctor and nurse were having an affair, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, "What should we do?"
The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest was just about to go into surgery for a stomach problem at their hospital, so he rearranged things to have him and the nurse do the operation. He delivered the baby by c-section, took care of the priest's stomach problem, quietly made arrangements for the nurse to recover at her home ... and proclaimed a miracle: the priest hadn't actually had a stomach problem ... he'd been pregnant! He just delivered a healthy baby boy!
Amazingly, everyone believed it, including the priest. He took the boy home from the hospital, and raised it as his own. As the boy grew up, the priest wouldn't tell him about his origin. Whenever the boy asked, "Who's my father?" the priest said, "I'll let you know when you are 16."
When the boy turned 16, the priest finally told him the story. He told about how he'd gone into the hospital, and the boy had been miraculously born into the world. The boy said, "Wow ... so you really are my father!"
The priest said, "Well actually, I'm your mother. The arch-bishop ... he's really your father."
My Brother Told Me He Thinks I Invade His Privacy
Well he didn't actually tell me. I read it in his diary.
What Does An Onion And A Prostitute Have In Common?
They give you really bad breath when you eat them.
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me.
She said I didn't listen to her or something. Idk I wasn't really paying attention.
What Is Your Best Casino Joke?
I work in a casino and want to hear your best one.
Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player?
A canoe sometimes tips!
Someone Asked Me If There Were Any LGBT Gamers In The Group
I guess you could call be a GAYmer...hehe
As A Large Adult Male I Think I Could Probably Last At Least 30 Seconds With Rhonda Rousey
But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.
I Love 12 Year Old Porn.
If you ask me, 2003 was just the golden age of porn with the best and sexiest adult actors of our generation.
What Is The Difference Between English And Russian Fairy Tales?
English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.." Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon..
How Many Sheep Are There?
Two guys are walking near a ranch. They notice a herd of sheep in the distance, and after only 30 seconds the first guy tells the other one that there are 437 sheep.
Naturally, the second guy didn't believe him so he went over the fence and after asking the owner, he found out that there indeed are 437 sheep. Still in shock, he asked his friend how the hell did he count all those sheep so fast, to which the first guy replied: It's easy, just count the legs and divide by 4.
Friday, May 26, 2017
So A Man Sits Down At A Bar That Has A Huge Jar Full Of Cash On It...
The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks the bartender what the tasks were.
The bartender said " First, you must drink an entire gallon of tequila in less than 5 minutes."
"Second, you must go out into the alley behind the bar where I keep my pet alligator. He has a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out."
"Third, their is a woman in the apartment above the bar who is 83 years old and has never had an orgasm in her life. You would have to give her one."
The man thought for a moment, and with a little liquid confidence told the bartender he would like to try. The man grabbed the tequila and chugged the whole thing in under a minute. After that he hopped up from his stool and stumbled out into the alley, when the rest of the patrons heard the most godawful noise they had ever heard in their life.
After about 10 minutes of noise the man stumbles back in, bloody and bruised, and slurringly says "Okay! So where's the old woman with the sore tooth."
The Definition Of Trust
You let your girlfriend shave your testicles with a straight razor while you tell her that your ex called trying to get back together
The Wifi Password
a friend asks for the wifi password while at his buddy's place. His friend replies, "the password is 'dis dick'". To which the friend replies, "it says that the password is too short."
Dog For Sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Yet Another Guys Walks Into A Bar... (dirty)
A guy is in town for work and decides to go have a drink. He walks into a bar, sits down and notices this horribly ugly man sitting in the corner surrounded by all the best looking women in the place. The guy is balding, over weight, wearing dirty clothes, and quite drunk.
He asks the bartender "what's up with that guy?"
The bar tender says "I don't know, he comes in every night, just sits there licking his eyebrows"
I Like To Sleep With The Bedside Lamp On, Even Though My Wife Reckons It's Weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
The Teacher Told The Kids: Name A Few Things That You Can Put In Your Mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp Who said that last one? Johhny stood up and said: it was me. Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked. Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
So I Was In My Car, And I Was Driving Along, And My Boss Rang Up, And He Said 'You've Been Promoted.'
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Physical
Doctor gave me a physical and says I have to stop master bating. I ask why? He says "because I'm giving you a physical"
I Ordered The Club Salad For Lunch..
I asked waitress "What all comes in the club salad?"
She said "Lettuce, turnip, the beat"
A Woman Gets On A Bus With Her Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
An Elderly Wife Is On Her Death Bed And Calls Her Husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me.. in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
Do Not Adopt A Snow Leopard?
i did its ruined the sofa, there is shit all over the house,my arms are in ribbons and now i cant find the dog, i think some charities can be downright irresponsible!
A Man Walks Into A Pharmacy...
...and he asks the pharmacist if they sell viagra.
"We do" the pharmacist replies.
"Have you tried it?" the man asks.
"I have."
"Does it work?"
"It does."
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"If I take two".
I Hadn't Been Laid In A Long Time, So I Slipped A Girl A Roofie At A Bar.
She still wouldn't have sex with me, she just wanted to sleep.
A Significant Proportion Of Public Restroom Users Are Assholes.
The rest are all either dicks or cunts.
The Miller Is One Drunk Motherfucker
Okay so first off, a little backstory
there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit
they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury
cause that is where the party is at
or where the cathedral is at
or some kind of sacred statue at least
look WHATEVER
the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses
and they get pretty bored because horses are slow
so this one guy
who is an inkeeper normally
is like GUYS
GUYS
making people less bored is what I DO
here’s the plan:
we’re gonna have a storytelling contest
and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$
so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES
and he tells a story
and maybe I will tell you that story some time
because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way
but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry
cause see
after the knight finishes telling his story
the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO
MAN
I WAS MOVED TO TEARS
OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE
but that’s when shit goes haywire
cause there’s this miller riding with them
and he is TRASHED
it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse
and he’s like HEY
INKEEPER
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
SEEMS TO ME
YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES
TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES
AND I MAY BE DRUNK
BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR
SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT BUTTS
and the Innkeeper is like whoa now
slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants
and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET
THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS
REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK
IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY
REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY
AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE
SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS
now guys
before we begin this story
let me just remind you
that I am only a storyteller here
not even a full-on storyteller
a story RE-teller
so whatever the miller is about to say
it’s totally not my responsibility
this is his drunk-ass talking
filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer
and I will not hear any complaints
or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home
(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)
"Okay so there’s this carpenter
his name is John
he’s a big jerk and also dumb
also old and gross
but he runs a pretty sweet motel
and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE
guys
GUYS
his wife is so hot
I would eat pudding off her ass
STRAIGHT UP I WOULD
DON’T TEST ME
FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF
AND I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN
IN THE STORY I AM TELLING
her name is Allison by the way
and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT
out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity
and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?
can you spell Gold-digger?
cause I can’t
I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little
SO ANYWAY
there’s also this dude living in the motel
his name is Nicholas
“Handy” Nicholas
“Handy” as in “Handy-man”
like the handy-men that are in all those pornos
he’s a scholar
A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS
but also a regular scholar
he’s a pretty smart dude
so ONE DAY
while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something
Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison
grabs her on the vag
and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise
if you know what I mean
and Allison is like WAIT NO
I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise
and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good
but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina
and Allison is like truuuuuuuue
then they bang
but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT
I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING
WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT
and Nicholas is like cool it baby
what kind of poon scholar would I be
if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?
look I have a plan
and step one of that plan
is for you to stop blueing my balls
and back that ass up
SEXWISE
so when John gets home
he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room
along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant
and proceeds to just sit in there
FOR DAYS
gawping at the ceiling
until John finally freaks the fuck out
because shit man
he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel
so he has his house dude bust down the door
and then Nicholas is like JOHN
THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED
I’VE HAD A VISION
A VISION
FROM GODDDDDDD
but listen dude
you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision
this is a you and me only vision
SO OKAY
VISION TIME
GET READY
alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?
what if I told you
you were about to star in NOAH 2:
TURBO EDITION
and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and Nicholas is like okay guy
here’s what I need you to do
I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs
like for feed
for animals
and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes
and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food
and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs
and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible
because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass
during the storm, I mean
you can thwap all over that shit later
MAYBE
but anyway yeah
then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal
and we will all drop into the water
and float away to safety
and everyone else will DROWN and DIE
and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water
and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?
and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS
I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF
sound good?
and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE
carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT
so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs like GOODNIGHT GUYS
LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING
and then while John is praying
Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs
sneak inside
and FUUUUUUUUUCK
but guys
guys
this is where it gets REALLY GREAT
cause there’s this other scholar dude
his name is Absalon
and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY
you know the type
he’s the guy with the van halen hair
and he plays guitar
and every time a religious holiday rolls around
he is the dude carrying the censer
which is a big mace full of incense
that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses
and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke
seriously
this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women
how fucked up is that?
also
he is CONSTANTLY going into bars
and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses
and despite that
he’s a real squeamish dude
who is TERRIFIED of farts
man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?
but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison
and when he hears a rumor circulating around town
that no one has seen John all day
(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)
and he’s like SWEET
NOW’S MY CHANCE
so he waits til like 5AM
and he goes over to Allison’s window
and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window
and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT
and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY
and Allison is like EW NO
I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS
HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS
PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY
TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT
PUDDING, OK
and Absalon is like OKAY FINE
WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?
and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?
and Absalon is like OK SURE
so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose
and he climbs up to the window
and it’s really dark, you gotta understand
so he gets up there and he puckers his lips
and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window
and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole
and then he’s like hey wait a second
women don’t have … beards
AW SHIT
and Allison is like TEE HEE
and then slams the window in his face
and goes back to banging Nicholas
so now Absalon is FURIOUS
like, real furious
this is dangerous
this is a dangerous game now
he’s ready to KILL someone
or at least seriously maim them
cause see what he does
is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right
and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon
what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?
and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK
and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store
and he goes back to Allison’s window
and he’s like HEY
HEY
OPEN THE FUCK UP
I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING
I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES
and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him
cause see he just got up to take a piss
so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY
and he goes over to the window
and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window
and Absolon climbs all the way up there
and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART
like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT
and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder
[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]
but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time
and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole
and Nick’s taint catches on fire
and he runs into the house like WATER
WATER
HOLY SHIT
WATER
and John
who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day
hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?
HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME
and he takes the axe
and severs the ropes
and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm
and the whole town shows up
and Nicholas is like hey guys
look at dumbass John the Carpenter
he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood
he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it
but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED
and everyone makes fun of john forever
although I think he still stays married to Allison
so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing
other than a scorched asshole
but uh, okay
so the moral of the story?
well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives
and scholars make terrible friends
so maybe you’re better off just being gay
because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning
stolen from: http://bettermyths.com/the-miller-is-one-drunk-motherfucker/ Thursday, May 25, 2017
Mexican Drug Lords Now Have Ig And Keep Posting Selfies With Stacks Of Money, Mansions And Yachts. I Think The Army...
could really learn something from that recruitment campaign.
What's Something Similar But Different Between American And Muslim Girls? (Offensive)
The way they blow up phones.
A Photon Walks Into A Hotel...
and the desk clerk says, "can I help you with your luggage?"
The photon responds, "no thanks, I'm traveling light."
What Is The Difference Between A Stalking African Pygmy And A Jogging Jane Fonda?
One of them is a cunning runt.
What's Difference Between Caitlyn Jenner And Kim Kardashian? (Offensive)
Nothing, both women got famous by making a dick disappear.
The U.S. Instituted A New Law After A Man Dressed As Santa Committed A Felony.
It was called the Santa Clause.
I Just Took My Girlfriend To Hawaii...
my wife was pissed.
Credit: Old guy at work yesterday when I got back from Hawaii.
What Did The One Crab Say To Another Greedy Crab That Was Eating All Of The Mussels?
Stop being so shellfish.
A Jewish Man Lost His Bike...
and went to his rabbi for advice. "Next week come to services and sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy." After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice had worked or not. "So, did it work?" he asked the man. "Like a charm," the man answered. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I had left my bike!"
What's The Difference Between Swine Flu And Avian Flu?
Bird flu needs tweet-ment and the swine flu needs oink-ment! Ha
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Terrorist Lunch
A terrorist arrested by the army said after his capture :
Kill me before noon, I would like to eat my lunch with the Prophet Mohamed
One of the soldiers said :
we will kill you at 1pm, you'll do the dishes.
The M1 Walks Into A Bar
[Americans, the M1 is a big road]
The M1 walked into a bar. He goes to the barman and says "Give me a pint". He gets his drink and starts angrily drinking.
In walks the A9. The A9 tries to order a pint. The M1 begins shouting "OI, fuck off. Who do you think you are? I'm the M1, the biggest hardest road in the country, 6 lanes, 2 hard shoulders, I'm not drinking with a shitty A road like you. What do you have 4 lanes? Pathetic, fuck off".
The A9 leaves the bar sheepishly.
Next, in walks the B768, who walks up to the bar and tries to order a drink.
The M1 kicks off again.. "who the fuck are you?! Two lanes? No hard shoulder? I'm not drinking with you, fuck off!"
The B768 walks out sheepishly as the barman watches on worried.
Next, in walks an unnamed road, single lane, dirt track. Hardly even a road at all.
He walks to the bar, orders a drink, sits quietly and drinks up undisturbed.
He eventually leaves. The barman says to the M1 "I thought you were the biggest hardest road in the country? What about that little weedy road? Why didn't you say anything to him?"
The M1 says "Who him?! No chance. He's a fucking cycle path"
A Journalist Visits Arab Country
A journalist visits Arab country. He sees an Arab riding a camel and his wives following him on foot and carrying all his luggage. Women are threated badly in muslim countries. One day a war starts in this country. It lasts a few years and ends. Journalist visits the country once again. He sees an Arab riding a camel. He has another camel taking his luggage on the side of him. And all his wives travel on foot in the front of him. Journalist see a great change in how the women are threated in this country. He asks the Arab "What caused this great change?". And the Arab answers "Land mines".
What's The Funny Thing About Child Pornography?
The absence of cast and credits at the end.
☆Doug Stanhope
I'm Starting A Tautology Club, But Need To Describe It To The People Joining.
The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.
The second rule of Tautology Club is that the the first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.
Tautology Club meets on the day of the Tautology Club meetings.
Tautology Club meetings are at the place of the Tautology Club meetings.
If you cannot come to a Tautology Club meeting, then you will be unable to attend.
When you do attend a Tautology Club meeting, you will have come before or it will be your first time.
People who join Tautology Club are members of Tautology Club.
The members of Tautology Club are composed of the members of Tautology Club.
If Tautology Club 1,000,000 people join Tautology Club then 1,000,000 people will have joined Tautology Club.
Aficionados of Tautology Club are knowledgeable and enthusiastic about Tautology Club.
The price of Tautology Club membership is the price of belonging to the Tautology Club.
The President of Tautology Club is the President of Tautology Club.
Tautology Club outreach exists to gather new members to Tautology Club.
If the above doesn't describe it Tautology Club well enough, then Tautology Club isn't well enough described. As you may or may not be aware, Tautology Club is a club for people interested in tautologies.
What Do Palestinians And Fred Flintstone Have In Common?
They both look out the window and see rubble.
2 Condoms Are Walking Down The Street And Pass A Gay Bar...
One turns to the other and says
"Hey, you wanna go get shit faced?"
Two Guys Are Walking Down The Street...
...when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
I Had To Stop Having Barbecues With My Gay Friends.
Thomas choked on a hot dog and nearly died, even after I told them all to stop swallowing the hot dogs whole.
Former Police Officers Are Offering Their Services To Appear In Court For You.
It’s a form of copper recycling.
Contest In A Girl's College
write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery. Winner's story Oh god I am pregnant I wonder who did it
What Is The Difference Between A Muslim And Dutch?
As a Muslim you get stoned for being gay, but both are legal for a Dutch.
So There Was This Pun Contest At My School Last Year...
I have some really good jokes and I was sure I could win the $100 prize, so I went to the submission table and saw that there wasn't a limit on how many jokes you could put in. So I thought to myself, I can really increase my chances of winning by entering 10 jokes! So I put in my 10 best jokes and waited for the contest to end.
About two weeks later I went to the results page to see if any of my jokes had won, but no pun in ten did!
What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Prostitute?
The prostitute will stop screwing you when you die.
Why Didn't The American Girl Have Sex With The Iranian Boy? (offensive)
She didn't want to risk a MiddleYeast infection
A Psychic Buying Clothes
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn't even try it on.
Psychic: I'm a medium.
A Husband And Wife Are Trying To Set Up A New Password For Their Computer. The Husband Puts, "Mypenis," And The Wife Falls On The Ground Laughing Because On The Screen It Says, "Error. Not Long Enough."
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
I Really Want To Buy One Of Those Grocery Checkout Dividers.
But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
I Felt Like Dancing After Mixing Cheap Rye With Powdered Orange Drink
I called it my Whisky Tang-o Foxtrot.
Seriously, WTF was I thinking?
When I Was Young, My Mum Used To Put Food On A Spoon
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.
How Many Germans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb
Exactly one. They are efficient... and have no humor.
Did You Hear What Happened In The Multi-Language Translation Race?
Nobody made it to the Finnish Line.
I Was Walking Around An Art Gallery With My Wife.
"Does anything in this room get you excited?" she said, with a cheeky wink.
I said, "Yes, some of the paintings."
Wish I Could Meet Johnny Once.
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow… it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared… her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it’s head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.
Sis then laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats….they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet”. By this time, Johnny’s mother had passed out cold.
Warm Beer!!!
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f*cking change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
Authorities In Beijing Have Advised That The Earthquake Felt By Millions Last Night Was Nothing To Worry About.
It was just the start of China's two-child policy.
Nuance
A soldier goes to his officer and asks him the meaning of the word "nuance". Officer tells him to pull down his pants and bend over. The soldier does so and the officer puts his dick in soldier's butt.
-Now see here, private. You have a dick in the ass and I have a dick in the ass. But there's a nuance.
What Does Santa Claus And Jared From Subway Have In Common?
They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
Monday, May 22, 2017
A Man Walked Into A Bar And Sat Down
A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“. At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “Say what?” “You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“
A Rural Family Is Visiting The City For A While...
And the dad and his son decide to go explore. They stumble upon an elevator, which they have never seen before. They watch an old lady walk inside and the watch the door close. Then there is a ding and out walks a young woman. They're both dumbfounded, and the dad utters "Son... go get your mother."
Out Of 200 People Applying For A CIA Job Only 3 Get A Call Back
As a final test, each person is told to go into a room, take the gun on the table, and shoot the person they love most who is in the room.
It is important to note that the gun is loaded with blanks, but the three people don't know that.
The first guy goes in. Fifteen minutes later, he returns, visibly shaken. He stammers, "I just couldn't bring myself to do it."
The second guy takes a deep breath and enters the room. A half an hour goes by and he finally exits. "I was about to do it, but I couldn't", he mutters as he leaves.
The third guy goes into the room. Five minutes later, he returns with blood all over his face and shirt. "Stupid gun wasn't working, so I took the chair and beat my wife to death with it.
At My Trial The Judge Asked Me How I Justified Using Force To Get Women To Sleep With Me...
Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse
What Did The Sniper Say When Asked If He Ever Had To Shoot Someone He Knew?
"Yea it was a long distance relationship."
There Once Was A Woman Who Had 100 Children. She Named Each Of Them After Numbers In The Order They Were Born.
There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A Lady Walks Into A Grocery Store Looking For Tomatoes And Can't Seem To Find Any, So She Goes To Ask A Store Clerk.
Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?
Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.
Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?
Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.
The clerk goes to the back and comes back.
Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back.
Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these.
Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?
Lady: Berries.
Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?
Lady: Berries.
Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?
The lady pauses for a moment...
Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!
Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!"
Surgical Operations
When you get your tonsils removed: tonsillectomy When you have your appendix removed: appendicectomy When a woman has a sex change: addadictomy
Longest Joke Ever. (Worth Reading)
A corn flake got a new job working at Walmart. Every month, there were company parties that he went to. One month, a pretty frosted corn flake was at the party. He went over to her to start a conversation, but before he said anything she said "Ugh, i only talk to frosted corn flakes. Leave me alone". The corn flake was sad, so he looked online to see how he could get frosted. There was a frosting machine in his town, but it was pretty expensive. So he worked and worked to afford the frosting. After 6 months he had enough spare change to be able to get half frosted. He went to the place in town to get frosted and had it done. He was only half frosted, but the next company party he went to the other corn flake and tried to talk to her. Again, she said "I said, I only talk to fully frosted corn flakes. Go away." So again, for 6 months he worked hard at his Walmart job. Then he could afford full frosting. So he went to the frost machine and had it done. He was a glorious fully frosted corn flake then. At the company party he found the girl and again, tried to talk to her. She said "Oh, hello Mr. Frosty. You look nice and frosty today." The corn flake replied "Hey. Can I get you anything to drink? Maybe a water?" "Sure" she said. so he went to find the line for the water. He came back moments later, saying "They're out of water. Anything else?" "I dont know, maybe some orange juice?" she said. So he went to find the orange juice. But the line was too long. "Anything else I can get you?" He said to her. "Can I have some fruit punch?" She asked. So he went to find the fruit punch. But then he realized....
There was no punch line.
Triplets In The Womb.
Sitting around talking about what they want to be when they grow up.
First one: "I want to be an electrician to get some lights in here.
The second one: "I want to be a plumber to get all this liquid out of here.
Third one: "I want to be a private investigator so I can find out who that dick is that keeps coming in here and squirting us.
How Many Polacks Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
5, one to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.
How Many Male Chauvinists Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
None, let the wenches do the dishes in the dark.
Man Goes To Dr And Asks Him, Doc "what Do I Have To Do To Live To Be 100?"
Doc asks? Do you drink or do drugs? No, do you fornicate a lot? No, do you eat a lot of red meat? No, do you do any sky diving or bungee jumping? No. THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU WANT TO LIVE TO BE 100?!??
An Irish Prayer
May those that love us, love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, May He turn their ankles So we will know them by their limping.
An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Spaniard And German Are Watching A Juggler Perform...
Concerned they cannot see the performance, the juggler stands on a wooden box and yells "Can you see me gentlemen?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
Sunday, May 21, 2017
A Husband And Wife Are Celebrating Their 20th Anniversary.......
The wife is naked in front of her husband and says " The first time you saw me naked you said you wanted to suck my tits dry and fuck my brains out. What do you think now?"
The husband looks at his wife and says "I think I did a pretty good job".
I Think My Professor Might Not Know My Name.
He keeps on correcting it with the word "Late" on all my papers.
I Found A Stray Cat.
I looked at its collar and saw a phone number.
I thought, "No wonder your family disowned you, you fucking slut."
[NSFW] There Was A Girl Tied To The Train Tracks...
A group of buddies are gathered together BSing and drinking beers. They run out of beer, so Jim runs out to pick up some more. Several hours later, Jim returns without any beer. "Where the hell where you, Jim?" "You guys will never believe it! On my way to the store, I found a woman tied to the train tracks! I ran over and untied her, and, well, one thing lead to another and we starting having sex. All sorts of positions, it was incredible!" "No kidding! Did you even get a blowjob?" "Nah, I never could find her head."
A Physicist Walks Into A Bar...
and orders two drinks, having one for himself and leaving the other one untouched at the stool beside him. The next day, the bartender notices that he does it again, and the day after, he does it a third time. When he does it a fourth time, the bartender finally asks him "why do you keep ordering two drinks but only having one?". In response, the physicist says "according to the laws of physics, there is a statistical chance that billions of atoms could align perfectly and form a beautiful woman sitting on the stool". The bartender then asks "why don't you just ask a woman to have a drink with you and see if she says yes?", to which the physicist replies "well what's the chance that that's actually going to happen?"
Me And My Ex-girlfriend Just Weren't Meant To Be Together, She Was A Capricorn...
and I don't believe in bullshit
Two Friends Are Walking Through The City At Night When One Of Them Spots A Dealer Selling Cocaine...
he turns to his friend and says "why would anyone want to sell cocaine?", to which his friend replied "some men just want to watch the world gurn".
The Farmer And The Scientist
There once was a tornado that was so strong it took away half of a farmers flock of turkeys. The farmer went to the scientist weeping asking what the scientist could do. "Take these beans", the scientist said, "feed them to your turkeys, and tomorrow they will each be as big as a man." The next day was thanksgiving, and the farmer came back to the scientist weeping. "Why are you weeping?", the scientist asked, "The beans didn't work?". "No", said the farmer, "They worked all right. Now I gotta look those turkeys in the eyes when I kill them."
Rick And Jesus
4 friends (Lace, Brand, Pete and Rick) who died in car accident just arrived on heaven.
Then Jesus greeted them and said: Brothers, I'll call each of you to enter in my kingdom:
Lace kiss my face, Brand kiss my hand, Pete kiss my feet,
Rick where are you going?
A Black Lady Named Betty Walks Into A Butcher Shop That's Always Running Out Of Things And Ask For Some Beef
The butcher replies "No black Betty, ham or lamb?"
I Have A Weird Quirk When Watching Star Wars
I wait for when someone is going to yell, "R2!" and yell out "Am not!"
Better Than A Cuppa Joe!
With a picture of a rooster...hahaha http://poptrendz.com/collections/t-shirts/products/womens-t-shirt-2
How Many Marines Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Fuck it, we'll drink in the dark.
(Happy birthday Devildogs)
Timmy And Billy Compare Christmas Presents...
Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, "How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents?"
Timmy's eyes opened wide. "It was amazing!" he said. "I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more."
"Oh my God!" Billy said. "That's so cool. You're so lucky. I didn't get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles."
"That's too bad," Timmy said. "How come that's all you got?"
Billy looked at his feet. "Because I don't have cancer."
The Woman Next To Me On This Roller-coaster Won't Stop Screaming And Shouting.
It's like she's never seen a penis before.
What Made The Triangle High?
Potenuse
Credit: Key and Peele. I don't want to be like that kid in class.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
A Man Is Driving Along A Windy Mountain Road
A man is driving in his pickup truck down a long and windy mountain road. As he is driving up a particularly steep portion, he sees a young boy sitting by the side of the road sobbing. The man gets out of his truck and asks they boy what's wrong.
"Our car went off the edge" the boy said through his tears. "Everyone but me was killed."
Upon hearing this, the man start to unzip his pants and says "Well boy, today is just not your day."
Why Did Adolf Hitler Hate Math Class?
He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.
Choice
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Why Do Black People Have To Eat Tootsie Rolls With A Fork?
So they don't bite off the end of their fingers.
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar...
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch. Someone asks "what is that on you?" He responds, "Arrr, I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
Don't Mess With Women!!
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...."
A Mother-in-law Said To Her Son's Wife When Their Baby Was Born,
"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."
Tampons
Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "This is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "Can I have a box of tampons please?" The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, and this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad, rather surprised at this request, quickly replies, "Have you started rolling your own?"
"I Need A Box Of Tampax"
An attractive young woman out grocery shopping wheels her cart up to the checkout line, only to realize that she's forgotten one item - tampons. An attentive bagboy notices the woman's bemused expression and asks if there's a problem. "Oh, I just forgot to get something important," the woman replies. The bagboy, eager to assist a pretty customer, politely offers to go and get for her whatever item she's forgotten. Quite embarrassed but in a hurry to leave, the young woman whispers to the bagboy, "I need a box of Tampax". "No problem," he says, "I'll be right back!". The young woman is relieved and appreciates the help, as she waits at the register with a line forming behind her. Meanwhile, the bagboy has misunderstood the woman's shyly whispered request, and is now searching for a "box of thumbtacks". Eventually he finds the thumbtacks, but is confused by the different choices available. Imagine the young woman's reaction when the bagboy comes trotting back up to the register calling to her, "Miss, do you want the kind that you push in, or the kind that you hammer in?"
Helpless Dad.
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
Tests Are Like Jokes...
You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad!
And other times you have cancer.
Some Story I Picked Up On The Back Of A Bottle
In 1935 Hubert Hansen did just that. Armed with a truck full of his homemade natural juices, he drove around studios lots sharing his delicious goodness with rising stars.
No, it is not. This is the back of a Hubert's Lemonade bottle.
Dude, Your Girlfriend's Tits Are So Saggy...
I bet she walked straight off of page 12 of National Geographic Magazine.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Dating A Religious Girl
Friend: "So have you hooked up with her yet?" Me: "No... the thing is she's super religious." Friend: "Just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score." Me: "I said she's religious, not that she has a boyfriend. Who would be the goalie in this situation???" Friend: "Jesus of course!" Me: "No dude, you can't score against Jesus. Jesus Saves."
How Many Bureaucrats Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet.
Two Black Men Are Peeing Off A Bridge...
The one says to the other "The water is cold today" and the other responds "And deep
Pineapple & Semen
Isn't it odd that pineapple makes semen taste good, yet semen makes pineapple taste like shit.
Credit to Harris Wittels
What Do You Get When You Cross A Classical German Composer With An Erupting Volcano?
Baklava.
(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)
A Man Found Out That His Wife Is Pregnant With Twins
A man found out that his wife is pregnant with twins. He went to his psychic and asked her how well the twins will do in life.
She replied: "One of them will go out into the world and become a leader of men. He will gain great wealth and accomplish many things. He will live in a mansion and have many expensive cars. He will have a truly bright future."
"The other is a girl".
A Black Guy, A White Guy, And An Asian Guy Approach A Road Block.
As they stop the officer approached the car and said you won't be able to pass unless each of you have at least 2 inch penis. First the black guy drops his pants
The officer measures and he has a 8 inch penis. The white guy drops his pants next the officer measure and he has an 5 inch penis. Then the Asian guy drops his pants and the officer measures he has exactly a two inch penis. As the three drive pass the road block for having over a two inch penis the black guys says " your lucky I'm black. The white guy says "your lucky Im white". Then the Asian guy says "your lucky I had a boner".
Little Johnny Never Paid Attention In English Class.
The teacher, thinking he would catch Johnny off-gaurd, asked him a question to put him on the spot in front of the class. "Johnny, can you give an example of a rhetorical question?"
Johnny responded, "Why don't you go fuck yourself?!"
I Hate It When I'm Watching Porn And Suddenly There's A Man's Butthole Right In My Face.
And I'm like "go away, dad. I'm watching porn."
In Honor Of Veterans Day I Give You This..
A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''. The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ''Sarge?'' he asked. ''Had to shoot him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.
A Man And A Woman Are Out On A Date...
They go to the movies and they're at the concession stand. The cashier asks the woman if she wants the theaters new hotdog, popcorn, and soft drink special. She politely declines, "Oh no I couldn't, I'm a vegan."
Anyway, they young couple goes into the theater and watch the movie. He has his arm around her and she's been cozy the whole time.
On the way home, he pulls over on a side road with a view of the night sky. She asks him why they're pulled over. "Well I just figured we had such a nice night, you know..." He trails off. "Just say it babe, what's on your mind?" She asks him.
Blushing a little, he tells her, "I think it's time we took this to the next level, like maybe you could give me a blowjob?"
She shrieks and smacks him! "HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING, YOU KNOW I DON'T EAT MEAT!"
Why Was The Scientist Allowed To Use Dolphins For His Experiments?
Because they were for test porpoise only
How Many Hipsters Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
It's a really obscure number. You probably never heard of it.
A Guy Is Sitting At The Bar And Decides To Buy A Drink For The Woman A Few Stools Away
"I'd like to buy that douche-bag a drink," he says.
The bartender looks offended.
"Hey, don't talk about our customers like that." The guy apologizes. "I would like to buy that lady a drink."
The bartender goes up to the woman and says that guy wants to buy you a drink, what will you have?
"Vinegar and water," she replies.
Two Parents Are Getting A Divorce...
The judge gets to the point in which custody of their only daughter should be decided, he begins by asking her
"Do you want to live with your daddy?"
she replies, "No, he beats me"
the judge then asks, "Do you want to live with your mommy?"
she replies, "No, she beats me"
finally the judge asks, "who do you want to live with then?"
"The Dallas Cowboys, they don't beat anyone!"
A Test On Protists In Biology
I don't want to do the test... so I will protist against doing it.
Ok I will see my way out.
My Friend's Dad Quit His Job And Left His Family To Go Off Into The Wilderness And Pursue A "Spartan Lifestyle."
Which apparently just entails banging a bunch of dudes in the woods.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson Go On A Camping Trip
They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A Priest, A Minister & A Rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream”, says the minister, “and preached Gods holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
In A Mediterranean Restaurant...(xpost /r/puns)
What did the sick chef say to the bus boy?
"Oh man, I feelafal"
"You Know You Are With The Right Person If They Have Their Eyes Closed When You Kiss Them"
- John, 35 years old, pedophile
Goat In A Fence
*Let's call your buddy/coworker you're ragging on "Joe"
You - "Hey Joe, remember when we went to grab lunch the other day?"
Joe - "Oh, yea."
You to someone else - "So the other day, me and Joe were going to grab lunch and I saw a goat with its head stuck in the fence.. so I pulled over and started fucking the hell out of the goat, then I yelled "Hey Joe! You want some of this?!"And he said "Hell yea!" And ran over and stuck his head in the damn fence."
New In Town
A man just moved to a new city and decided to go out on the town to find a good bar and possibly make some new friends. He came upon a small dive bar down the road and decided to check it out.
He went in and sat at the bar, looked around for the bartender and spotted a large jar full of $10 bills near the back. As soon as the bartender came over he inquired about why there were only ten dollar bills in the jar.
"Oh, that's the membership fee for our special drinking club! We meet here a few times a week, after hours," said the bartender.
“But it’s not just a $10 entrance fee,” he continued.
“You have to prove you’re worthy of drinking and partying with us. Under the bar is a large bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. You have to chug the entire thing without stopping.
Then, you see that large Indian guy meditating on the small table in the corner? He weighs over 400 pounds. You have to push him off the table.
And after that you have to take these pliers and go find the Rottweiler that guards the junkyard a block away and pull out a couple of its teeth without being scratched or bitten.
And lastly, you have to go the apartment above the bar and give the old lady who lives there an intense orgasm. So intense that we can all hear it. If you do all of that, you can join our little club here.”
The guy thought about it for a few minutes then said to the bartender, “What the hell? I’ll try it.”
He handed over ten dollars and then grabbed the large bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. He started chugging and chugging and chugging. The patrons at the bar noticed and started to cheer him on, yelling and throwing their hands in the air. The guy barely finished the entire bottle. By this time he was completely wasted and having trouble walking.
He staggered over to the meditating Indian and using all of his strength, slowly pushed him off the table. The whole bar erupted in deafening applause.
The guy then threw open the door and ran around the corner. Everyone leaned against the wall inside the bar to listen. They could hear the poor Rottweiler howling and whining in pain.
A few seconds later the new guy kicked open the front door, almost falling over, then grabbed the pliers from the bar and screamed:
“OKAY, WHERE’S THAT OLD LADY WHO NEEDS HER TEETH PULLED?!”
Little Johnny
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Vampire Killing 101
"Honey, there's a vampire in the house." "Well if memory serves, you have to pound it in the heart with a sharpened stake." Time Passes... "Mommy, what happened to all the beef?" "Your father's trying to kill a vampire."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Why Did Heisenberg Remove The Speedometer From His Car?
So he would stop getting lost everything he checked it.
It Was The Fateful Day That Lorena Bobbitt Threw Her Husband's Severed Member Out Her Car Window...
As it happens, there were two hippies in a van behind her on the highway. They both jumped when the Lorena's projectile smacked against their windshield.
"Holy shit, man!" said one hippie. "Did you see the size of that bug?!"
"Never mind that, man!" said the other hippie. "Did you see the size of its dick?!"
Car Problems
On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."
Two Hookers
Two hookers are winding down after a hard night’s work. One of them lights up a cigarette, and takes a deep drag. She exhales & turns to her hooker friend: “I always smoke after sex. You?”
Her hooker friend replies: “I don’t know, I’ve never checked.”
God Will Save Me
God Will Save Me
A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.
A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”
The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”
As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”
The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”
The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.
A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”
Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned. It's a real shame he didn't let himself be saved because God doesn't exist.
What's The Difference Between A Chickpea And A Garbanzo Bean?
I've never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
So Now I Hear Donald Trump Wants To Put Auto Gun Turrets On His Wall
I say, do the coastlines too. Keep out those merpeople!
My Friend Aaron Played A Trick On Me...
He yelled from the other room saying he needed help. He had his dick caught in the cap of a BIC pen. But when I went to help get it out, this is when he got me. There was plenty of room.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
It's Going To Be Impossible To Cast This New Play That I've Written.
The script has several thousand characters.
I Want A Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I Hadn't Been To The Toilet For 9 Days...
so i went to the doctors to see if he could help me out. After a lengthy examination he said,
"I think you might be constipated."
"No shit!" I said.
"Exactly."
Okay, I'm not sure how exactly to finish this joke, or if in fact it actually qualifies as a joke. I guess it was pretty shit to begin with, then ended shit. It's all pretty shit, so what I'm going to do is pass it off as a metaphor... because of all the shit.
TIL That George Bush Was An Expert In Thermodynamics.
He discovered that Jet fuel can't melt steel beams.
Fallout 4 Doesnt Come Out In Japan Till December 17th..
Which is fair, because they got the original fallout about 60 years before us.
Why Can't You Hear A Pterodactyl Go To The Bathroom?
Pterodactyls don't use the bathroom.
Also fuck you.
Pete And Repeat Were In A Boat. Pete Fell Out, Who Was Left?
(Really?)
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
It Was Nothing
A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside when the son spots a horse with a huge errection raging between its legs.
"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"
The boy isn't too pleased with this answer though, and a few days later he happens to be walking past the same field again, but this time he's with his dad. Again, the horse has a ginormous errection.
"Daddy, what's that thing between that horses legs there?" the boy asks again. "That, my son, is his penis"
"Huh. When i asked Mommy she said it was nothing"
"Yeah, but she's been spoiled"
Need Help!
Hey reddit, okay here's the sitch. I'm currently in Air Force tech school. I'm head road guard and there is a tradition that the head road guard tells the whole squadron a joke before we march to class. This is where you folks come in. I'm running out of jokes and I really don't want to use old material. Please give me the best you've got!
Here's an example of how I have to tell the joke.
Me: He yo squadron! Squadron: What? Me: What is ET short for? Squadron: What? Me: He has little legs!
11 Mouseketeers Enter A Room.
11 Mouseketeers enter a room. 10 Mouseketeers leave. What are you left with?
A net Funicello...
A Woman Sits Alone At The Bar
A man is waiting for his drink and asks the lady "you must be single right?".
"What, a woman can't have a drink alone at the bar without being single?!"
"No, you're just really ugly"
A Lady Walks Into A Grocery Store.
She says hello and looks around the place for five minutes. Finally she walks up to the owner and says,
'Good morning sir. I was wondering if you have any broccoli left.'
'Really sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli. We might have some more tomorrow.'
'Oh. I see.'
Despite this, she keeps standing there, looking mildly disappointed. After a few seconds she looks up to the shelves stocked with fresh fruit and vegetables and slowly walks past them, examining their contents but without picking anything up. After another five minutes she walks back up to the owner and says,
'Hello again. Are you really sure you don't have any broccoli?'
'Er...quite positive, ma'am. We just sold the last bag to the gentleman before you. I'm afraid we won't have any more until tomorrow. Could I interest you in some cauliflower?'
'Oh. No, thank you.'
Once again, she takes a good look around the store and walks around the various displays. Once again she asks the owner,
'You know, I could really use some broccoli.'
'Look ma'am, I don't want to sound rude but I don't really know how else to tell you. We're out of broccoli. We have lettuce, spinach, carrots - you name it, we have it. Just no broccoli. I'm sorry.'
'Oh. I see.' she goes again, but again she says there and keeps looking around at the displays.
After another five minutes, sure enough, she goes to the owner again and says,
'Are you absolutely sure you have no broccoli left?'
The owner lets out an exasperated huff and starts,
'Look lady, listen here. What do you get if you take the pine out of pineapple?'
Slightly puzzled, she answers, 'An apple?'
'Right. And what do you get if you take the water out of watermelon?'
'A melon!'
'Correct. Now what do you get if you take the fuck out of broccoli?'
She thinks about it for a moment, then says 'There's no fuck in broccoli!'
'THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FUCKIN TELL YOU!'