Because all the other letters are not c's.
*ba dum tss*
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Saturday, October 31, 2015
Prank Ideas For Videos!
Whats up guys? So i want to ask you, maybe you know some great prank ideas for filming and you can share it with me? Pranks could be social, like talking with people, messing with them. Also could be staged and so on. You know like do vitalyzdtv, prankvsprank, bigdawstv. Maby you can offer to do something unique? I don't want to copy from others. Waiting for ideas :)
An Old Catholic School Joke.
Catholics and Baptists dislike each other so much. So much so that when a Catholic dies Baptists pray they go to hell, but when a Baptist dies Catholics pray they become a Catholic.
Dis-miagnosis
A husband walks out of the doctors office with a big grin on his face. "Why are you so happy?", his wife asks. "The doctor prescribed me daily sex and even gave me a pill for it!", he exclaimed shaking the little white bag in her face. "No you idiot... you got dyslexia"
Guy Walks Into A Bar...
"gimme ten shots." The bartender starts pouring, the guy starts drinking. The bartender asks "Celebrating something?" The guy says "First blowjob. But keep those coming, I can still taste it."
Customer And Waitress
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Two Cannibals Are Settling Down To Have A Meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
So I Was Asked The Past Tense Of 'think' In A English Test Today
I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
A Newly Married Husband Puts A Notice In Front Of His Home!
For Sale: computer and encyclopedia, both in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married, WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING....
With backup server called "mother in law".
The Worst Part About Being Told You Have Alzheimer's?
It doesn't just happen the once.
And I'll be posting this again later.
If I remember.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Dark And Or Offensive :]
I don't know where I stand on abortion.
I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.
My Mate Just Hired An Eastern European Cleaner, Took Her 15 Hours To Hoover The House.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Did You Hear What The Ridiculous Fraction Ordered For Lunch?
I don't know either but I heard she tried to halve split-pea soup and pay with a quarter.
Germans Never Complain Joke
Does anyone know the full joke about the German family and little boy who never complain until the find an issue that has something to do with a schnitzel
The Haircut
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
courtesy of planet-38
This Dad Joke Is So Good It Escaped From DadJokes And Found Its Way Over Here ...
On an old railway line there was a town named Urelia. And the two conductors on the train could not agree on how to pronounce this name. So everytime the train pulled into this town, one conductor standing at one end of the passenger car would shout something that sounded llike "You'realiar", whereupon the conductor standing at the other end of the car would shout something that sounded like "Youreallyare".
What Did Geoffrey Dahmer Say.....
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
Are you going to eat that?
A Young Boy Enters A Barber Shop...
...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this".
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over".
I Visited My Doctor Last Week, And He Told Me I Had To Stop Masturbating. I Asked Him Why, Surely Its Not Dangerous.
He said it was distracting him.
Ruined Anniversary
My wife and I entered the local restaurant last night and were met with locals yelling "pedophile" and throwing other names at me.
All this rage and jealousy because I am 52 and my wife is 23.
I will tell you, it completely ruined our tenth anniversary dinner.
Little Boy And Grandma
A little boy with a speech impediment is sitting on the front porch with his Grandma when he sees his favorite super hero on the building across the road. He exclaims N....N.....Nana nana nana nana Batman!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
I Think Ronda Rousey Would Be At A Disadvantage If She Fought Floyd Mayweather.
Mayweather has had practice beating women
A Chicken Walks In To A Bar...
A chicken walks in to a bar and says, "Give me an India Pale Ale with some sort of fruit flavor." The bartender says, "I'll be right with you chicken. But this egg was here first."
A Frog Walks Into A Bank...
He goes into the attendants office and sits down. "Good evening, ma'am." The frog looks at the mildly attractive woman sitting before him as she greets him with a pleasant smile.
"Good evening," replies, "What can I do for you."
"Well, business is down, you see, and my eldest, he's going to college in the spring, and, well, there is no way I can afford his tuition. I need a loan." He dropped his gaze, staring meekly at the tiled floor.
"First things first," The manager replied, grabbing a form from her desk. "What's your name?"
"Kermit."
"Kermit...? You're not Kermit the frog."
"No, No. Kermit Jagger." I was named after him. My father's McJagger."
"McJagger?"
"Yes, the singer."
"I see." The manager jotted a few lines onto the paper in front of her.
"And you're... Ms. Wack?" The frog asked her, glancing up from the floor at the name tag on her chest.
"Yes, Patty." She stuck her hand out lamely, wiping her palm off on her pant leg as she left his sticky embrace. "There's just one problem with your request." She met his eye over the brim of her glasses. "We simply cannot give you a loan without some sort of collateral."
"Oh. Well, I thought that might be the case, but you see, all I have, my only possession, my only source of pride, is this," he pulled out a small green elephant, trunk raised, with two red eyes.
"Patty could see right away the trinket was of little value, but she looked at the frog, telling him, "Well, I'll see what my manager says," as she stood up from her desk and walked out of the room.
As she walked into her managers office, trinket in hand, her boos looked up from the desk. "Whats up?" he asked her casually.
"Well sir, Kermit McJagger is in my office asking for a loan. I told him we would need collateral, but all her has is this," she said, holding up the elephant. "What is it?"
It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! This old guy's a rolling stone!
My Wife Likes To Talk Lots After Sex
I don't know how much longer I can keep taking her calls at work.
Two Jews Are Walking Past An Evangelical Church...
When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"
Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"
"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"
"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say I am found, I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"
So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"
"You jews, all you think about is money!"
So, Did You Hear About The First Monkey To Be Allowed To Vote?
Apparently people are getting mad about this, saying the monkey will be too stupid to vote. But, I don't know why people have a problem with this. I mean you already allow Republicans to vote.
What Is Worse Than Blacking Out After A Crazy Night And Losing Money?
Blacking out and gaining money.
I Bought Some Artwork At GenCon, But I'm Pretty Sure I Got Ripped Off.
I swear they're all a bunch of con artists.
My Boyfriend And I Checked Out A New Coffee Shop In Town...
I asked him how his coffee was.
"It's like making love in a canoe."
"That good?" I asked
"No. It's fucking close to water."
Deaf Genie
A man walks into a bar. Across the room he sees a little 1ft high man wearing a tiny tuxedo and playing a miniature grand piano. The guy asks the bartender What's up with the little guy? The bartender tells him theres a genie in the bathroom granting wishes. The guy heads to the bathroom and finds the genie who asks What is your wish? The guy thinks for a minute then wishes for world peace. POOF! The bathroom fills up with geese. The guy heads back to the bartender. Hey I think your genie is hard of hearing. The bartender laughs No shit! You don't think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?
Found This Joke On Some Website I Cant Remember
You Know You Are a Mexican When…
- You share the same social security number with all your amigos
- You smell like BO all the time
- You don’t know what BO is
- You have at least thirty cousins
- There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus
- You see a fence and want to hop over it
- You are too short to go on rides in Disney Land
- You mow lawns for a living
- You’re the best bean picker in your neighborhood
- You fart more than you breathe
- Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking
- You use your lips to point something out
- You have at least thirty cousins
- You are in a 5-passenger car with 8 people in it
- There is more Tequila than punch at little Juanito’s birthday party
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
- You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Police Report: There Was A Robbery In The Sex Shop.
Judging by items that were stolen, perp was alone. Alone for a long time
What's Heavier: 200 Pounds Of Gold, Or 200 Pounds Of Feathers?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of feathers is just 200 pounds, but 200 pounds of gold is actually ~150 pounds due to it being measured with the Troy measurement system.
The more you know
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
New Wardrobe
There is a woman who is married to a trucker. They live in a house next to a train station. Because of his job he is gone for work quite a lot, sometimes even months on end. Everytime when the trucker comes home he will bring his wife a piece of clothing. Well after all these years the wardrobe they shared got pretty full and there wasn't much space for the husbands clothes left.
The wife thought: why dont i buy a new wardrobe for my husband while he is gone as a surprise, so he has enough space for his clothes aswell! The wife goes to a nearby store and buys a beautifull wardrobe and has the company set it up for her. As the employees leave she goes back to her living room. At this moment a train passes by and she hears a loud smack coming from the bedroom. She goes to the bedroom and sees the new wardrobe in pieces. She immediatly calls the company and tells them wat happened. The company sends back the employees and they put it back together. Then an hour later as another train passes the wardrobe breaks again. She calls the company but they just started closing so they promised her that first thing in the morning they would send someone over.
So the next morning a employee arrives and asks what happened. So if i get this right, everytime a train passes the wardrobe just breaks? Thats right! The woman replies. Well i'll tell you wat i'm gonna do, i'm going to sit inside the wardrobe and wait for a train to pass to see wat happens on the inside. The wife agrees to this plan and goes downstairs. Its at this time that the husband comes home from his job. Wife: oh hey honey i got a surprise for you upstairs. So the husband runs upstairs and sees his new wardrobe, he opens it up and sees a man inside. Husband: What the hell is the meaning of this?!?! Employee: well sir, would you believe me if i told you i was waiting on the train?
A World War II Joke
What was the German Shepard's defense at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."
A Woman Was Standing Naked In Front Of A Mirror
She looks at her husband and says "I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
Her husband looks up at her and says, "Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect."
How Many Chefs Does It Take To Change A,light Bulb ?
one to do it, and five others to tell him how they did it differently in their last kitchen.
How Does A Feminist Screw In A Light Bulb?
She holds the bulb up to the socket and then expects the world to revolve around her.
I Need To Give My Cat An Abortion
But every time I throw her down the stairs she just lands on her feet.
The Day Of Prom
The day of prom, a boy goes to pick his girlfriend up early, so they could spend the whole day together instead of just the evening. He asks her what she wants to do, and she tells him she wants to go get something to eat. When they try to find a place, however, they see that everywhere they try to go has an incredibly long line.
"That's okay," says the girl. "I wasn't really that hungry anyway. Do you want to go see a movie?" The boy says yes, and they go to the theater. Unfortunately, there was an immensely long line there as well, so they decided against it.
The day goes on and on like this, with every plan they try to make being blocked by a long line. Eventually, it's time to go to prom, and they make their way into the building.
Exhausted with how their day has gone so far, the girl drops into a nearby folding chair and says, "I'm really thirsty. Can you go get me some punch?"
There was no punch line.
To Be A Hipster Is To Live In Constant Suffering
You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Letter From 7 To 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.
Sincerely, 7
An Englishman, A Scotsman And A Irishman Are Running From The Sheriff...
They turn a corner and see three large empty sacks. Quickly, they each hide inside one.
The sheriff and his deputy turn the corner and see the three sacks on the ground. The sheriff dismounts and kicks the first sack.
"Meow," says the Englishman.
"It's just a cat," the sheriff says and kicks the second bag
"Woof," says the Scotsmen.
"It's just a dog," the sheriff says and finally kicks the last bag.
The Irishman says "potatoes."
A Man Died And Went To Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?"
"Her clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
A Man Walks Into A Record Store...
A man walks into a record store, looking confused. The owner approaches him:
"Hey, you seem a little lost. Can I show you where anything is?"
"Uh yes, actually.", the man replies, "I'm looking for some classical music, as I've never listened to it before."
"Oh, well we have a vast variety of classical music in this section. Feel free to go to the counter if you have any questions."
A few minutes later, the man goes to the counter holding two vinyls. "Did you find what you're looking for?", the owner asks.
"Yes, I think I did." The man shows the owner the two records, one labeled, 'The Best of Johann Sebastian Bach', and the other, 'The Works of Claude Debussy'.
"Ahh yes," the owner says, "Two wonderful composers. Just remember to listen to Debussy first."
"Why's that?", the man asks.
"Always finish on the Bach, never on Debussy."
credit: Family Guy
Getting A Job Right Out Of College...
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING: Hiring recent college grads.
REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and super powers.
TIFU In Bed
So my girlfriend and I were going at it. She gets very into it and in the moment exclaims, "Come inside me!" I reply, "But I'm not wearing a condom, are you sure?" "Yes, yes, yes!!!" So I think to myself, "okay", and I do. She then looks at me, "...erm...did you" "Yeah, why?" "Why would you do that?!" "But you told me too!" "Why would you listen to a 12 year old?!"
"Rabbi, Rabbi"
One day, a teenage boy goes to his father- a rabbi at their small town's only synagogue- and says "Father, it pains me to say this, but I've decided to convert to Christianity."
The Rabbi, with no idea what to do, decides to walk ten miles to a much larger city, where he found a synagogue much larger than his own. He says to the rabbi there "Rabbi, rabbi! My son has become a christian! Whatever shall I do?" In reply, the other rabbi tell him "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, the rabbi of the largest synagogue in the state should have some answers for us."
So, both rabbis take a road trip to the largest synagogue in the state. They say to the rabbi: "Rabbi, rabbi! Both of our sons have converted Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the rabbi says "Well, funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, we'll catch a plane to Jerusalem and get this sorted out."
So, all three rabbis fly from the US to Jerusalem. They find the oldest, wisest rabbi they can, and in unison, cry out "Rabbi, rabbi! Our sons have converted to Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the old rabbi says "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come, let us go to the Wailing Wall. God will surely have an answer to such a conundrum."
So, all four rabbis run as fast as they can to the Wailing Wall and drop to their knees, shouting to the sky "Holy father! Our sons have left us for Christianity! Whatever shall we do in these times of darkness?"
And God replies: "Funny you should ask!"
What Time Is It?
I asked what time is it 5 times today at different bus stops and funny enough i got different answers. What time is it actually?
There Are 10 Types Of People In This World....
.... Those who understand binary code, and those who don't.
What's The Difference Between Getting A Divorce And Getting Circumcised?
When you get a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.
Monday, October 26, 2015
A Few Minutes Ago While I Was Lifeguarding, An Old Lady Told Me That I Looked Like A Lion Pacing Back And Forth.
Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Asked To Be In A Movie About Famous Musical Composers...
He responded "I'll be Bach"
Moderators
He's a Moderator
On the Internet
On a big subreddit
He does it for free
He takes his "job" very seriously
he does it because it is the only amount of power & control he will ever have in his pathetic life
he deletes posts he doesn't like because whenever he gets upset he has an asthma attack
he deletes posts he doesn't like because they interfere with the large backlog of little girl chinese cartoons he still has to watch
he will never have a real job
he will never move out of his parent's house
he will never be at a healthy weight
he will never know how to cook anything besides a hot pocket
he will never have a girlfriend
he will never have any friends
During His Annual Checkup, A Man Tells His Doctor He Is Thinking About Getting A Vasectomy
The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."
I Imagine Having Sex With Bill Cosby Is Alot Like A Ronda Rousey Fight.
it's terrifying, some poor girl ends up being unconscious, and it only lasts about 30 seconds
(Best New Pick Up Line) How Much Does A Polar Bear Weigh?
Like a thousand pounds. Read a fuckin' book.
The Two Propositional Logic Professors At A Local University Are Named Professor P And Professor Q.
Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.
What Is The Lightest And Heaviest Thing In The World?
Teacher: what's the lightest thing in the world?
Student: sir, it is penis?
Teacher is shocked, but still curious
Teacher: how?
Student: it can rise just with an imagination
Teacher: Nice! So which is the heaviest thing in the world?
Student: Penis again sir
Teacher: what nonsense, how can penis be lightest and heaviest at the same time?
Student: because after couple of fucking rounds, even an earthmover or a crane can't erect it.
People Aren't As As Friendly As They Used To Be
On my way home from work I saw my neighbour, who happens to be a dwarf, waiting at a bus stop. So I stopped and told him to hop in. He gave me a finger and told me to fuck off.
So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.
A Fly Is Buzzing Around A Wolf Hound.
Fly: What kind of dog are you?
Dog: I'm a wolf hound.
Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?
Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.
Fly: I see...
Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?
Fly: I'm a horse-fly.
Dog: NO. FUCKING. WAAAAAYYY!!!
Sunday, October 25, 2015
What's Heavier, 200 Pounds Of Bricks, Or 200 Pounds Of Feathers?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
A Man Walks Into A Bar With His Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A Cruise Ship With A Gay Pride Party On Board...
ran into a storm and began to take on water quickly but by some miracle did not sink.
What saved the ship?
"flambuoyancy"
Cleaning The Attic
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out! We don't want
your type in here!''
Two Men And Two Women Are On A Train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a mwsshk! and a smack! and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!" The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!" The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it." The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
Crappy Biology Bar Joke
A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.
Because they were cultured cells..
Saturday, October 24, 2015
What Would Arnold SchwarzeNEGGER Be Called If He Was Black?
Arnold Schwarzenegger, you sick racist fucks!
The Awesome Thing About Planned Parenthood
Is the more limbs they cut off the more places I have to stick it.
(Original Joke) A Boy Goes To The Zoo With His Father...
A boy goes to the zoo with his father. They're at the Primates section. The father asks the boy, "Do you know what that animal is?" And the boy says "Yeah... a monkey." And the father says, "No son... that's an orangutan! Orangutans are apes!" And the boy learned.
Across the park... the father asks the boy, "What animal is that?" and the boy responds "That's a crocodile!" and the father says, "Nope! That's a alligator, son. You can tell by the V-shaped snout." And the boy learned.
They keep walking to the Predator exhibit where the father again tests the boy... "Son, what animal is that?" And the son says "That's a anaconda!" And the father says, "No son, that's just a regular old snake."
And the boy says "Oh cool! Is that were Mommy's penis went?"
Edit: I forgot to mention that the father previously had explained to his son Jeffrey that "all women originally had penises but eventually they would wither off and die like dead skin" - a harmless myth created to deter his child from growing up believing men and women were different; the question was answered with good intention.
So... when Jeffrey referred to the snake as "Mommy's penis", he was simply rationalizing his experience by utilizing his prior understanding of what pensis' are... believing that "once detached from a woman's body, the penis could still survive in the wild." Amazingly 8-year-old Jeffrey was actually beginning the early stages of inductive logic, which is the "theorized" third stage in child development!
Murphy Was Walking Home Late At Night
Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Thirty euros,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.
So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Garda. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to me wife,' Murphy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that foocken light in her face
I Asked My Racist Granddad What Does He Think Should Be Illegal...
His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
A Man Dies And Goes To Hell...
A man dies and goes to hell.
As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name.
Joe, he replies.
Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level.
Oh, it won't be that bad then, joe replies.
Joe, that's the hottest level because heat rises. You'd know that if you studied for your test.
Wheelie Bin
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin havin sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
Why Is There Cotton In Medicine Bottles?
To remind black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Making An Analogy That References Itself Is Like Good Word Play.
You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.
When A Club Owned Man Asked God Why A Man With Earlocks Dressed In All Black Could Nullify Even The Strongest Subwoofers In His Club Before Beginning To Philander With Loose Women;
God said “The man’s Hasidity was at a Percent Hasid of 14, and this would counteract any bass and result in a lack of both Hasidim and bass when they react.”
What's The Difference...
between a girls mouth and a girls vagina? There is none! I want my penis to be inside both of these things.
In Art Class I Was Told Black Was A Shade Not A Color.
That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady.
A Pregnant Went To The Bank
She was going to have triplets, so she needed to see how her account was doing. Suddenly some guys invade the bank and announce an assault. The woman screams. One of the guys shoots at her belly, 3 times. The police cames to help and arrests the criminals. The woman is taken to the closer hospital. A miracle happens, and the babies survive. Each of them was hit by one bullet, wich the doctors couldn't remove.
13 YEARS LATER
The former babies are now teenagers. Three healthy boys. Mommy is reading a book, when suddenly, one of them comes, holding a bullet, and says:
- Mommy! I was urinating and this just came out!
The woman thought for a moment, and remember the situation she lived yeas ago. She was about to explain her son what happened, when the second twin came:
- Hey, mom! Look at this! I was in the bathroom, and...
The kid shows another bullet, just like the first one. When she were going to tell them why that happened, a scream is heard. The third twin come, crying, and with his hands full of blood.
- Mom... I was masturbating, and I just killed the maid
ps: sorry for bad english
I Found Out My Wife Was Cheating On Me
so I divorced her. She's no longer my Mrs Take. She's my Ms Take
Friday, October 23, 2015
Man Comes Home To Find His Wife In Bed With Another Man.
The husband came back with a gun and shot the man in bed. The wife replied "this is why you don't have anymore friends."
Best Friend
My best friend caught me looking up his sister's skirt, which made the rest of her funeral pretty awkward
Dave Grohl Walks Into A KFC...
The cashier says: "Wow, it's Dave Grohl! The Foo Fighters are my favorite band! What can I get for you, sir?" Dave says: "I'll have a one-piece meal." Cashier says: "Would you like drum, wing, thigh,..." THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST THE BREAST
What Did The Man With A 10inch Dick Have For Breakfast?
I didn't think you would know, but I had steak and eggs.
So My Dad Dropped This On My Mom This Morning
Mom - "You know the neighbor always kisses his wife every morning before work. Why don't you do the same?"
Dad - "How can I? I barely know her!"
Mission Impossible Six Announced. Will Be Their Hardest Mission Yet...
Getting a job in this economy.
What's The Difference Between Rubber Balls And Steel Balls?
Caitlyn Jenner doesn't like to steel balls before she comes
Teachers In School Told Me I Wouldn't Amount To Anything, Now I'm Laughing All The Way To The Bank...
To dispute my most recent overdraft fee
Cecil The Lion's Brother Was Just Poached In Zimbabwe
That family is like the Stark family of the animal kingdom
Defendant Wanted To Bribe The Judge.
CIGARS A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
Mom Is Feeding Her Baby A Bottle Of Blood.
Dad walks in and goes "Why are you feeding our baby a bottle of blood?!" Mom says "Cause we're poor."
A Quote From A World War II Veteran:
Suppose you are separated from your unit and wander to safety.
You spot a troop in the distance but do not know where they are from. Fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.
If they respond with precise rifle fire, they are British.
If they use a frenzy of machine gun fire, they are German.
If they throw their weapons on the ground and surrender, they are German.
If they try running away, they are Italian.
If they notice you are alone and ask you if you would like to join them, they are Canadian.
If nothing happens at first but about five minutes later the area you shot the bullet is bombarded with heavy artillery, they are American.
There Once Was A Man Who Had Surgery In Mexico
He was having a plate put in his head.
Before the surgery the doctor whispered, "be careful, this plate is very hot."
A Girl Realized That She Had Grown Hair Between Her Legs
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
Thursday, October 22, 2015
9 Out Of 10 Dentists Recommend Crest Toothpaste...
...the 10th is in still in hiding for paying $50,000 for the right to murder a lion in Africa.
Sister Mary's Confession
Sister Mary Katherine goes to the church for confession. "Father" she admits. "I'm a horrible person. I've committed an atrocious sin" "Now Mary Katherine" says the Father. "I know for a fact you are a very holy woman. Unburden yourself, and i assure you it can't be that bad" "Father" she says, "I dot wear any underwear" "Sister!!!" Father says. "No underwear?" "Yes, I am ashamed" she says. The Father replies "For your punishment I issue you 10 cartwheels"
A Woman Donates Her Plasma For Some Extra Cash.
There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier. She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves. She excitedly gets to the cashier. To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50. "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"
"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated sperm," replies the cashier.
"Oh I see" says the woman.
A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center. The same cashier is working again. "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"
The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.
[NSFW] A Wife Yells At Her Husband...
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
EDIT: grammar
EDIT: original comic http://imgur.com/OkliuV3
A Brunette, Red Head, And Blonde Are Taken Hostage On A Tropical Island...
"Any last words?" They ask the brunette while pointing a gun in her direction. "TORNADO!", she yelled. They turn around and look for a tornado, the brunette escapes while they look away.
They pointed the gun towards the red head next and asked her, "any last words?" "VOLCANO!" They look away and the red head runs away.
The captors now pointed the gun at the blonde and asked her, "any last words?" Now the blonde caught on and understood what the girls were doing so she yelled "FIRE!"
Do You Know Something?
Holding your dick with two hands and still a little sticking out the top now THAT is something.
How Do You Make An Elephant Float?
Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.
Is Your Mother Home?
A package delivery man is nearing the end of his shift for the day when he approaches the last house on his route. With the package in hand, he strolls up to the house and rings the doorbell. A small boy, no older than nine or ten years old answers the door. To the delivery man's surprise, the young boy is dressed in a shocking drag outfit. His hair is pulled high into a ponytail, while his lips are smeared with gratuitous layers of pink lipstick. He's put on blush, and a thick helping of blue eyeshadow. The lacey dress the boy is wearing is so long, it is crumpled down around his feet which are in high heels many sizes too large for him. On top of that, the young boy is smoking a cigarette. The delivery man, shocked, stares blankly at the boy for a moment before asking him; "Excuse me young man. Is your mother home?" The boy takes a long drag from his cigarette and simply replies; "What the fuck do you think?"
A Birch And A Beech In A Forest
saw a sapling a ways off, and the birch says " I bet that's a son of a Birch" and the Beech says "No, that's a son of a Beech" They argue back and forth then decide to call over a woodpecker. " Go over to that sapling and and find out whether it's a Birch or a Beech tree. So the woodpecker flies over, and taps the sapling a few times with its beak and comes back. " So, which is it?" the Beech asks. "I'm not sure, but that's the best piece of Ash I've ever had my pecker in"
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
My Ex Had Weekly Lessons With The Devil On How To Become More Evil
I still don't know how much she charged him though.
You Drive A Truck Your Whole Life...
and no one calls you a trucker;
You suck one cock and all of a sudden you're a cocksucker!
I Dreamt That I Was Swimming In An Ocean Of Orange Soda...
But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.
Logic Lesson
A Fourth-grade teacher was giving a lesson and logic in class one day.
"Here's the situation" she said." A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in,and begin splashing around and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raises her hand and asks innocently "to draw out all of the money?"
Jared Fogle's Updated Diet Writes Itself
a Subway sandwich for breakfast, a Subway sandwich for lunch, and FUCKIN' CRAZY ASS 14 YEAR OLD COKE WHORES TILL DAWN!
A Man Died And Went To Heaven...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
A Guy Is Taking His Girlfriend To Prom.
He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
I Asked A Group Of Women If They Found Rape Jokes Funny. They All Said "no!"
But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."
Hey Look! A Flock Of Cows!
Herd of cows...
Of course I've heard of cows there's a flock right over there!
A Son Comes To His Grandpa..
... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?"
"Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man licking his eyebrow
There Were Two Pathologists Performing An Autopsy
The first one said "You shoulda seen the old granny we got in last night, she was nearly 80 and had a cunt like a pickle"
The other one then said "Wow, did it really look like a pickle?"
"No, but it sure tasted like one"
I Tried Donating Sperm The Other Day, But They Refused Me.
The requirements they have are really strict there at the salvation army
What's The Difference Between
What's the difference between a group of midget engineers and a women's track team?
One is a group of cunning runts...
My Job Interview Didn't Go Too Well Last Week.
'WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE PART OF A TEAM'
I painted myself black, wore loads of jewellery, got my hair cut into a Mohawk and I still didn't get it.
If I Had A Dollar For Every Girl That Found Me Unattracitve...
...eventually they would find me attractive.
Chagrin
Poor old Gary's rich new mom was cleaning his dresser in his room, when she found a dildo and a pair of stained briefs. Having been a man all her life, she instantly knew what the stains were. Pizza stains! Then, Gary's old mom broke out from the wildlife shelter and beat Gary's rich new mom to death with the dildo.
Chagrin.
How Many Black Guy Do You Need To Change A Lightbulb?
Lol why would they change it when its perfect for hiding.
I Feel Like A Million Bucks Today..
Seriously, how do I get rid of this erection? I'm getting worried.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
A Boy Comes Home After School One Day
A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”
“That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”
In Egypt They Started Throwing Gay People In The River, An Egyptian Friend Of Mine Swears He Isn't Gay.
But he's still in the Nile.
My Girlfriend Decided To Quit Her Job At The Yogurt Company
The truth his, she never really liked the culture
A Young Woman Married And Had 13 Children
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”
A Masked Man Goes Into A Sperm Bank.
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”
She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”
So I've Heard The AFL Player Chris Judd Gets Women Pretty Wet...
But I reckon Adam Goodes gets them Damper.
I Accidentally Rear Ended Someone At A Stop Light While Not Paying Attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
I Once Met An Asian With Excellent Grammar...
So I said, "Wow, your grammar is so good!" And they replied, "No.....my grandma's dead."
A Guy Bets The Bartender For A Drink
Guy bets the bartender $100 that he can lick his own eyeball.
The bartender agrees. The man takes out his glass eye and licks it. "Gimme a jack and coke" he orders, smiling.
About a half hour later the man returns and bets the bartender $200 that he can bite his nose.
There's no way the guy can remove his nose, the bartender thinks, and agrees. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his nose. "Gimme two jack and gingers" he orders, cheerfully.
Then a couple hours pass and the man returns. He is drunk, and the bartender wants his money back. "Any more bets?" The bartender asks. "Sure" says the man, "I'll bet $300 that I stand here and piss over your bar and fill up a pint glass without spilling a single drop." The man can barely stand, so the bartender thinks for a short moment and agrees. He sets a pint glass on the floor and the man begins to pee all over the floor. He doesn't even try to piss over the bar. He then hands back the bartender the $300. The bartender, laughing, asks why he took such a foolish bet. The man replies, "I bet your doorman $1000 that I would take a piss all over your bar and you wouldn't care"
How Did The Police Determine Which Turtle Ate The Diamond Ring?
They conducted an in-turtle investigation.
A Man Brings His Wife As Aspirin...
She says, 'Why did you bring me this? I don't have a headache.' He says, 'Good, let's fuck!'.
Water
Water Teacher: What is the formula for water? Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O Teacher: That's not what I taught you. Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
l
Never Talk To My Parrot No Matter What Happens
Womaon: My machine just broke down
Repairman: Ok, i can fix it within 2 hours just relax.
Woman: Oh no, i have to work now, actually running late, here is my key when you are done leave my bill on the table and key under the foot-mat, i will post your check as early as tomorrow.
Repairman: Ok
Woman: oh btw, don't worry about my (7 FT) monster looking rottweller (Spikes), spikes is just as gentle as a mouse wont hurt a fly, but please no matter what happens "NEVER TALK TO MY PARROT" NEVER NEVER, THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!
Repairman: Ok
Woman "leaves"
Parrot talking to repairman: Yo Motherfxxxer, mama jokes, fat jokes, fool jokes, bad jokes, noisy as fucXXX.
2 hours later( Parrot still talking and cursing)
Repairman now very angry and can't contain himself then replies the parrot.
Repairman: Shut up you ugly bird
Parrot: Get him spikes.
Spikes: monster in action..
Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Asked If He Wanted To Upgrade To Windows 10.
He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
Heavens A Bit Full This Week....
God calls St Peter to his office and tells him that heaven is getting pretty full today and that only people with unfair or horrible deaths can be allowed in.
So, St Peter returns to the Pearly Gates, stands on his podium and he calls out "all those that died an unfair or horrible death please form an orderly line here, the rest of you. Hell is through that door"
Peter then heads to the front of the queue and asks the man "how did you die?"
The man replies "Well, i've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a month or so now, so i finished work early and rushed back to my flat which is on the 24th floor, but the lifts were out and as you can see i'm no George Clooney so by the time i got to my floor i was quite knackered. Anyways i go in and find my wife completely starkers in bed. I rush around the flat searching for him! i run out onto the balcony and see a pair of hands hanging on to the edge of it. so i start stamping on them, but the batard wouldn't let go, so i run inside and grab a hammer from my toolbox and smacked the asholes fingers with it till he finally let go. I watch him fall but he landed in bushes and he's getting up! He was fine! I was fuming!!!! I ran in, grabbed the fridge and threw it down on top of the tos*er and killed him! Then I had searing pain and I blinked and here i am"
"thats awful, what a way to go", says Peter. "please enter"
the man walks through, Peter then approaches the next man in the queue, tells him the circumstances in heaven today and asks for his story.
"well", says the man "i was doing my daily exercises by hanging off the balcony above my flat on the 25th floor, when a sudden gust of wind caused me to lose my grip and i fell, my life flashed before my eyes and I some how managed to catch the 24th floors balcony, i started to climb back up when the idiot who lives below me appears and starts stamping on my hands! I'm screaming at him to stop and he did and I almost get up but he starts smackin me wit a hammer! so i had to let go. Again my life flashed before my eyes and I hit the ground, luckily there were bushes below and i think i just sprained my ankle, but as i was getting up, this fridge landed on me and here i am!"
"thats truly unfair, please proceed" says st peter.
peter then goes to the third man in the queue, tells him the situation and asks for his cause of death.
"you're never going to believe this" says the man "i was hiding in this fridge......"
I Was Invited To An Event That Requires Causal Dress.
Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?
A SEAL And His Sculpture
There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies from and the guys in command had given him a few days before his next assignment, so he rode in on his trusty mule and came back with all of the chisels and saws he needed.
That evening, the SEAL started work on his masterpiece. He loved sites like reddit and imgur, so naturally he decided to sculpt a life sized Good Guy Greg. Both day and night he worked at it until it came to the day of the ice sculpting competition.
There were some good sculptures at the event, but the judges loved his work so much that the SEAL won first prize. To celebrate, he went hard out on the town with some of the locals.
A few hours later, despite being nearly blind drunk, he remembered he'd left his statue and mule outside. There was a blizzard due that evening and his trusty pet would surely die if he didn't get back in time.
The navy SEAL stumbled back as soon as a drunk man could and with his stomach turning and his head spinning, he set to loading up the sculpture onto the sled.
Just as he'd got one foot of the sculpture on the sled, he slipped, lost balance and fell to the ground, with 150kg of ice crashing down square on his shin. He was trapped underneath.
Despite the numbing whisky in his system, a terrible shooting pain raced up his leg. It must be broken. The SEAL remembered his training and tried not to panic, but the sculpture was impossible to lift. He called his mule over to try and budge it. No such luck.
"If only there was a way I could make it lighter", thought the SEAL. Then, an idea hit him. All he'd have to do is heat up the ice sculpture and then it would just melt away until he was able to lift it.
He started to breathe heavily into the ice, but to no avail. He emptied his bladder, but that only froze and made things worse. With his last throw of the dice, he beckoned his trusty mule over and got him to lie down on the ice, hoping his body heat would lessen the load, even slightly. The wind picked up and snow was falling so quickly that he could barely see outline of his pet, doing all that he could to save his master.
He waited. Nothing. He gave it some more time. Nothing. He tried to hold out for longer. Nothing. The sculpture was no lighter and he was drifting in and out of consciousness.
Suddenly, a chilling thought hit him. His heart pounded against his chest and a cold sweat broke across his brow as he realised that it was all over. He realised...
...that pet mules can't melt SEAL memes.
Contagious
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious". "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious".
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?
Little Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says :
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies,
No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
A Zach Galifinakis-style "impression" Joke. The Character I'm Working On Is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN
<husky voice>: Alfred...
<regular voice>: Ahem... I mean hey Alfred
First Year Students At Medical School Were Receiving...
First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
Mom.
Mom i'm going to get married. whom then. Jane form the next door. oho god.. you sure? where you going to live? Mom. Jane is Emo she doesnt want to live.
Monday, October 19, 2015
My Girlfriend Caught Me Blow-drying My Dick
And apparently "heating up her meal" is the wrong answer.
I Hate Being Used As A Thesaurus.
A mate just asked another term for "monkey dung" and I went apeshit.
Sally The Paraplegic
Sally has been a paraplegic since she was 4 years old after being involved in a terrible car accident. After a long life of being disabled, at the age of 64, she decides to take a vacation to Beliz. On the first day of her vacation she's sitting in her wheelchair down by the water and starts to whimper. A local, by the name of Michael, is walking along the shore and notices the woman in distress. Michael walks over to Sally asking, "is everything okay miss?" Sally, whiping a tear from her cheek, responds saying "Thank you young man for caring, but no I'm not okay." She informs him she's a paraplegic and tell him of the accident. "As you can see I've been stuck in this chair since I was 4 due to the accident and because of the burns on my face no man has ever loved me. I've never even been kissed." Being a nice guy, Michael says he'd be more than happy to be her first kiss. He kisses her and continues on his way making Sally a very happy paraplegic. The next day Sally rolls down to the same spot in hopes of seeing Michael again. To her luck, she sees him approaching in the distance, pinches herself, and works up a stream of tears. Michael takes notice and runs to her side to see what's wrong. "Sally! What's wrong, are you okay?!" he asks. "No, I'm not okay," she responds. "After experiencing what a slice of intamacy felt like after you kissed me yesterday, I realized that's as far as it'll ever go for me. No man will ever want to pleasure me orally or any further," she sobs. It was her lucky day. Michael, being a nice guy, makes sure the coast is clear as the sun is setting and tells Sally, "You know what? I'd love to be the man who does that for you." After 15 minutes of oral fixation, Sally lets out a roar of pleasure held within her for so many years. Michael licks his lips and continues on his way knowing he made someone less fortunate than himself, very happy. The next few days go by and Sally rolls down to her favorite spot in hopes of seeing Michael again, but never does. It's the last day before Sally must return home and makes one last effort to see the man that has made her so happy. Right as she's about to leave the beach and set home, almost losing all hope, she sees Michael in the distance once again. She quickly jags herself in the pussy (funny enough one of the few places she still has feeling in) with a seashell in order to whip up a flood of tears. Bawling and screaming she yells out Michael's name. He hurries over to her to make sure she's okay. "Sally! Sally! Are you okay?! What's wrong?!" He asks. Barely being able to speak through all the pain she manages to tell him, "well Michael this vacation has been great and you've done so much for me and I've experienced things I've never experienced before thanks to you. However I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I feel this is my last chance and you're my only hope so I'm just going to come out and say it. You've been so kind and caring to an old handicapped woman in a way no one else has. I was hoping you'd take my virginity before I die. I've never been with a man and I've wanted nothing more to this day than to be fucked. I want you to fuck me so I can die a happy woman knowing I've completed the last thing on my bucket list. Fuck me, Michael. Please I need to be fucked!" she begs. Michael, being a nice guy..agrees. He picks Sally up out of her chair and tosses her over his broad shoulders and sprints down to the ocean. And throws her in. "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!" he shouts out. And laughs and laughs and laughs all the way home knowing he helped fulfill Sally the paraplegic's wish of being fucked.
tl;dr How do you fuck a paraplegic? Throw 'em in the ocean.
A Photon Checks In At A Hotel:
"Are you checking in any bags?" asks the concierge.
"No", says the photon, "I'm travelling light."
The Teacher And The Student
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.
A Woman Runs Into The Hospital And Asks
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?
Doctor- "ICU baby, shaking that ass"
Sorry.
Girlfriend Said Last Night "You Treat Our Relationship Like Some Kind Of Game!"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.
"How Did Granddad Die In The War?"
I looked at my boy and replied
"The Germans shot him."
He said, "Why, what did he do?"
I said, "He single handedly nearly stopped the Germans from killing all the Jews at Auschwitz."
He said, "Did he lead a daring SAS style rescue?"
"No, he was a plumber and fitted a faulty gas valve."
The President Of France, USA And Brazil Are In A Plane
The french president puts his arm out of the window and say, "We are in France!". "How do you know?" the others president asked. "I just touched the Eiffel tower!". So a little time later the president of the United States puts his hand out of the window and say "Well, i can confirm that we are in America!". "How?" the others asked. "I just touched the statue of liberty!". Some hours later the president of Brazil puts his arm out of the window and say. "Yes, we are in Brazil". "You just touched the Christ?" they ask. "No No, somebody took my watch".
Hollywood Is Remaking The Classic Film "Who Dares Wins"
This time however it is not about the SAS, but Barack Obama visiting Dallas in an open top limo.
Be The Change You Wish To See In The World.
-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson
Super Sex!!
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go out to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.
Spiderman told him that he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening?"
So Superman did his super-thing in a split-second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "Did you hear something???"
"No," said the Hollow Man, "but my ass hurts like hell..!!!"
Victoria's Secret Recently Invented A Bra That Contains Bluetooth Speakers ...
... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.
Peter Pan, The Jimmy Story
Once upon a time... When homosexuality was classified as gay. Little Jimmy awoke only to find another random man in his bed... Nude. He found a strange attraction and started to get....... ..... Started to get an erection... He couldn't in the slightest bit understand what it was about this 1 man, but this man was the 1. The way his over sized shlonge hung down the side, and how hard it got when he slowly licked from the base to the tip. The other man awoke with a "the fuck?" Then looked down and smiled a nasty grin....... .... nasty grin. It was SUCH a turn on, and the man knew it. The man grabbed Jimmys hair and slammed his massive cock into his mouth, hearing a gurgle sound he let off, but not by much. Slamming and yanking his head up and down, faster and faster. Jimmys throat started to burn but he was happy to do it for this man alone! Feeling it cumming (see what I did there ;D) he braced himself as his hips forced up. A dark "uhhhh!" Came from deep below as Jimmys mouth was flooded with Jizz, so much that he almost gagged........ Gagged.... Jimmy couldn't help himself but to spit it out immediately. All the goop spilling out on his shlonge and pubes. Feeling a slight embarrassment he started licking it off his dick and pulling it out of his pubes with his teeth. Not spitting out the few that stayed in his mouth, he then swallowed it, pubes and all! A slight disgust filled his stomach, but he was ok. It then occurred to him "oh shit! Does he have the HIVA-CLAPA-ARIA!?!?" But the man read his mind and assured him he was clean. As the man put his cock away and stood up to leave Jimmy had to ask "What is your name?" The man smirked and said "the names Pan....... Peter... Pan...." As Peter walked out the door and slid his gay green hat on he stood a faggot pose and then....... Flew off to never land..... Never land........ The next day Jimmy woke up from a raging boner that wouldn't subside. Giving up "fuck it" he climbed out of bed and poured a bowl of dick flavored Cheerios. He sat down on his couch and turned on NBC. The headline "MORE BULLSHIT IN SYRIA" ran across the top of the screen, then on the small scroll said "new information... Bush Did 9/11" and then... "BREAKING NEWS!!! New reports claim that child molester Michael Jackson has been dressing up in a (gay) Peter Pan costume and forcing (gay) "young people" to do sexual acts to him. If you know anything of this please tell local authorities, if you have been abused by Michael please burn your mouth." Jimmy then climbed to the crest of the valley, pulled his dick out and belly flopped 20 stories onto his dick which exploded and covered all of Candy Land in Jizz.
The End...
P.S. PCP is an awesome drug baby (wink wink)
I Pissed Off Two Canadians
True story but bear with me; There is a joke.
I was working out of town and staying in a motel. After some drinks I'm walking back to my room and in this hallway there are 2 people walking towards me and maybe twenty feet behind them is my buddy coming in from a smoke. The two guys were walking to their room and talking to each other and it was just obvious they were Canadian. (We were also about 20 miles away from Canada so there was that) I'm about to walk past them but instead a light bulb shines above my head.
Me: You guys are from Canada yeah? Them: Yeah. Me: Did you know Canada used to be called CND? Them: No. How's that? (They were still nice and cordial at this point) Me: Well originally Canada was called CND. The US called them and asked how that was spelled and they heard, 'C eh, N eh, D eh.' Them: Get the fuck out of here.
Swear it's a true story. I asked my buddy who had just come in from smoking if I was being some kind of drunken dick and he said no and he thought it was a stupid joke but kinda funny.
TL:DR I pissed off two canadians. I didn't even know that was possible. Maybe they're the exception to the rule?
Four Friends Are Taking A Trip When Their Small Plane Crashes In The Middle Of Nowhere.
Three survive. After a week they have run out of food, so they decide to eat their friend. Arguments break out about who got which part so they decided to go by football teams.
"I'm a Liverpool fan, so i get the Liver" says the first.
"I'm a Hearts fan, so I get the heart" says the second.
"I think I'll pass" said the Arsenal fan.
A Man With No Arms Walks Into A Church.(part1)
He walks up to the priest and says "I saw a help wanted sign. I'm here to apply for the job." The priest responds "Well I don't know how to put this. Ya see the job is for the position of bellringer and to ring the bell you have to pull down on this huge rope and well... you don't have any arms." The man then tells the priest "I know I don't have any arms but i really need this job. My father just died and we have to pay for the funeral. I have a wife and kids money is really tight. I just really need this job. You don't have to worry I will figure out a way to ring the bell every Sunday. Please please give me the job." after a while the priest gives in and hires the armless man. Now Sunday comes around and the armless man is standing at the top of the belltower looking at the bell. He has no idea how in the world he is going to ring this thing. Time is ticking away as mass is rapidly approaching. Finally time runs out and with no better ideas he sprints at full speed and smashes his face into the bell. The bell rings out with a loud (DONG). the bell however needs to be rung three times for mass. The armless man backs up and repeats the process two more times. This goes on for weeks and the job is taking it's toll. His face is covered in welts bruises lumps and cuts. He is now seeing three bells. Mass is about to begin and the armless man has to ring the bell again. he backs up sprints at the bell but out of the three bells he is seeing he picks the wrong one. He shoots off the edge of the belltower and falls all the way down to the ground (SPLAT). The entire congregation gathers round the body. A woman yells out "father father do you know the man?" The priest replies "I can't remember his name but his face sure does ring a bell."
Part 2 coming soon...
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Two Elementary School Students Are Late For School
In an attempt to get to class on time the two young boys cut through farmer Johnson's field. The boys try to jump the barbed wire fence between the field and the school. One of the boys clears the fence but the other boy, Timmy gets caught on the barbed wire fence by his asshole. The other boy rushed to class to find help. He barges into his classroom and screams, "TEACHER, TEACHER, TIMMY GOT HISELF STUCK ON FARMER JOHNSON'S BARBED WIRE FENCE HANGING BY HIS ASSHOLE!" The teacher replies fluster, "Now now say rectum!" The boy responds, "Wrecked him? Teach it nearly killed him!" EDIT FOR TYPO
Why Do Women Wear Panties With Flowers On Them?
In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.
A Group Of Guys Are Playing A Round Of Golf.
Just as they reach the 18th hole a hearse, followed by the grievers, drove past on the road, One of the men took off his hat, held it to his chest and bowed his head in respect.
Once the Hearse finally passed one of the other golfers says to the man
"That was truly respectful."
"I'm glad. We were married 27 years."
Chuck Norris Once Went Sun-bathing...
...but unfortunately there were no towels available on the sun.
An Asian Girl Walks Up To Me In A Bar.
She says "Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!" Apparently she was giving me her number.
No Bell Peace Prize
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. Keeping track of the roosters took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. He just sat on his porch and filled out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, ran for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch kept his bell in his beak, so it didn't ring. Butch would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them WHEN THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION!
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
Croatian Salary Is Like Menstruation
You get it once a month, it lasts 5-6 days and then you're fucked
3 Drunk Guys
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
A College Student Is Giving A Highschooler A Tour Of The University.
So there are two guys, one is a college Sophomore and the other is a highschool senior. The Sophomore is giving the highschooler a tour of the University.
"And here we have the Women's Studies department." The highschooler, a smartass, replies, "What about the Men's studies department?" "Oh yeah, we call that the History department." The highschooler laughed, finding the internet joke very funny.
"And here is the religious studies department." "What about the atheist studies department?" The college sophomore pointed to the College of Arts and Sciences. Another laugh was had.
Finally, they arrive at the African American studies. "Wait," asked the highschooler, "Where is the white studies program?" "We call that the Economics department."
Native American Father
A Native American Father was sitting around the campfire with his 3 daughters and the oldest asks "father where do our names come from?" The father replies "well my daughter we give names based on what happened the evening the child is conceived. On the night you were conceived there was a full moon so your name is Shining Moon". The middle daughter asks "what about me father?" Once again the father replies "on the night you were conceived we were lying next to a brook so your name is Running Water". The youngest daughter then asks about her name and the father says "Thats a long story Broken Rubber"
Jack And Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack's pants were a little loose and his pants fell down. Jill looked at down and said "Hey, what's that thing?" "I don't know," said Jack, "I'll go ask my dad." That night, Jack asked his dad what the thing in his pants was. "That's your car," said Jack's dad, "you gotta park it in as many garages as you can."
Jack and Jill went back up the hill the next day. Jill asked Jack, "So what did your dad say?" "He said it's my car," replied Jack, "he said to park it in as many garages as I can." "Oh wow, that's neat," said Jill, who then tripped and fell, her dress bunching up around her legs, revealing herself to Jack. "Hey, what's that?" Asked Jack, looking between her legs. "I'll ask my mom," replied Jill, "because I don't have a clue." When Jill got home that night, she asked her mom what was between her legs. "That's your garage, honey," said her mom. "Don't let any boy park their car in it until you're married."
Well, the next day, walking up the hill, Jack asks Jill what her thing was. "Mommy said it's my garage," said Jill, "but I'm not supposed to let any boys park their car till I'm married." "Oh really?" Replied Jack.
That night, Jill went home and her mom noticed blood on Jill's hands. "What happened?!" Asked her mom, horrified. "Well, Jack tried to park his car in my garage before we're married, so I ripped off his back tires."
Jesus Is Watching You.
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
Saturday, October 17, 2015
The Longest Joke In The World.
I don't know if its ever been posted on here but here it is again if it has!
Weird
I always was a little different growing up. People are always coming up to me and asking me, "Jay, why are you so odd, why are you so weird?"
Then I say, "How the fuck do you know my name?"
That Dentist In The News Is Getting Attacked By The Public And So Far He Hasn't Said Anything
I guess he really took that laying down
Fastest Thing?
The other day four guys were just sitting around, shooting the bull. One of them asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' the others said. The second guy said 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' everyone said. It was the third guy’s turn. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Everyone liked that one, too. The final man thought for a moment and said “'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' everyone else said.”How can that be?”. 'Oh sure', he said.. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, the diarrhea was there! '
What Is The Difference Between A Pile Of Dead Babies And A Porn Stash?
My porn stash isn't enough to get me off anymore.
It Was Timmy's 7th Birthday
and Dad asked him what kind of present did he want. "I want a Barbie doll Daddy" Timmy's father,full of dissapointment, went to the nearest toystore and bought the barbie doll that his son wanted. On Timmy's 8th birthday his dad questions him once more about his brthday present. "I want a baby doll Daddy" Again, full of dissapointment and fear, the father goes to the toystore and buys his sons girlish present. Next year on the same day Dad askes the same question. "Timmy my boy, what would you like for your birthday?" "I want a sword dad" "YES my son is not a faggot" he thinks and runs to the toystore to get his son the sword that he wanted. "Here you go my son take your sword and go play with your friends" "Thanks Dad. HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME, I AM XENA"
A Soldier Is At The Bar When His Buddy Walks In. The Buddy, Surprised To See Him, Asks...
Buddy: Hey how did you escape Iraq?
Soldier: Iran.
Did You Know Cecil Was A Black Lion?
And man, even in Africa, the white people STILL be killing tiggas.
What Has More Brains Than A Kid From Sandy Hook?
The wall behind him...
I'm gonna go to hell for this one.
An Old Married Couple Is Talking...
...when the husband asks,"Sweetheart, have you ever slept with other men ?"
"No, I only slept with you. I was awake with the others."
What Do You Call A White Man Driving A Boat?
A boat driver.
What do you call a black man driving a boat?
A pirate.
Old Man Goes To The Dentist.......
Old man goes to the dentist for his annual checkup. Not even a minute into it, the dentist suddenly stops and asks him. -Sorry, but I have to ask you this. Did you do a 69 last night? The old man is amazed!! -Doc, how did you know? The old lady was kind randy, but I flossed, brushed my teeth and used mouthwash. -No no, you breath is fine, it's your forehead that smells like shit!!
How Many Cops Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
None, they will just beat the room for being black.
BeSt FaThEr EvEr
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Doug, please?" "No, there's no one called Doug here," says the person who answered the phone. His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Doug a second time. "No, there's no one here named Doug. Stop calling!" the person says. His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation." "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time. "Hello, this is Doug," he says casually, "Have I received any phone calls?"
I Kidnapped This Girl Last Night...
And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.
I Really Enjoy Banging Asian Babes, But....
every time I look down to check out the action, my dick is pixelated!
My Own Social Media
I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do fort he rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.
And it works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker, and a psychiatrist.
credit; P W, Derbyshire, from unknown newspaper
What Do You Call Someone Who Says Goodbye Well Before They Are Ready To Leave?
A premature I'llCheckYouLater
I Was Walking Across The Park...
...when I noticed a ball in the air getting bigger.
"That's odd", I thought, "how is it doing that?"
Then it hit me...
Friday, October 16, 2015
The Other Night, My Wife Asked Me How Many Women I'd Slept With.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
As A Final Test To Gain Citizenship Into The United States....
A Chinese man and a Mexican man were required to use the the words: Green, Pink and Yellow in a sentence.
The Chinese man went first and said: The Grass is green, there are Pink flowers in the park and the sun is Yellow.
Great! said the agent, than looked to the Mexican man for his use of the words.
With excitement the Mexican man said(with an accent): When the phone goes Green, I Pink it up, and I say Yellow!
Did You Hear About The Chinese Military General Who Deserted His Position During A Time Of War?
It was General Tso, and he will always be known as a chicken
A Man In A Small Town Walks Into His Neighborhood Drug Store
He causally asks the cashier for plan-b. The cashier hands him the box and says, "Frank I've known you a long time and I'm concerned that you've been buying plan b so frequently, it's really unhealthy for your wife." Frank replies, "oh no these aren't for my wife they're for my daughter." The cashier looks horrified, "Frank! You're daughter is a sexually active 14 year old and you condone it? That just seems irresponsible." Frank sighs, "well she isn't active she just lies there like her mother."
The Wife's Back On The Warpath Again.
Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Ren Descartes
René Descartes goes to a dinner party. While he's mingling with the other patrons, the hostess comes up to him and asks, "René, would you like a croissant?" René replies, "I think not" and promptly disappears.
How Many Redditors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Well first thousands sign a petition that the lightbulb needs to be changed, because it is using its ideology to change the room. The room was much better after the previous light bulb and we are going to go back to that. The lightbulb is a cunt. LIGHTBULB IS A CUNT. ITS ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND ETHICS IN GAME JOURNALISM.
Much later, the lightbulb is changed by the janitor, as it was always going to be.
We did it Reddit!
A Drunk Guy At A Bar Walks Into The Restroom
A drunk guy at a bar walks into the restroom and is greeted by an elf.
The elf says "Hellooo, i am a magical elf and i am here to grant you 3 wishes"
The drunk guy baffled by what he sees says " Alright, awesome! Well my first wish is to have a million dollars"
The elf responds, "Done. When you get home the million dollars will be there."
Then the man says, "Alright, next I want the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world."
The elf says, "Done. When you get home she will be there waiting in your bed."
Then the man says, "Nice! Now finally I want a gold plated Ferrari."
The elf says, "Done. When you get outside it will be there waiting for you."
Then the man says,"So thats it?"
The elf responds,"Nope. Now you have to pay the fee."
The man asks,"Ok, so whats the fee?"
The elf says,"You have to let me fuck you."
"No! Come on elf, what the hell?!" says the man.
Then the elf says," Alright then, you wont get your wishes."
"Alright, alright" says the man. "Just make it quick"
So the man pulls down his pants and bends over while the elf gets on the sink and in position.
The elf sticks his dick in the man and the man says, "Holy shit elf, so small but with a thing so big!"
To which the elf replies, " And you so big and still believing in elves"
There Were 3 Men On An Airplane. [slightly Racist]
One was black, one was white, and one was asian. It was a very old airplane and it started to malfunction. The pilot told everyone on board to throw something away so the airplane can lose weight.
The black man threw away 2 packs of cigarettes and the white man asked "why'd you do that?". The black man replies "we have too many of these in our country."
The asian man throws away a pack of instant noodles and the black man asked "why'd you do that?" He replied "we have too much of these in our country."
The white man reached in his suitcase, but he only had his laptop, a gold ring that he is about to give to his wife, and some clothes. So he throws the black man overboard and the asian man asks "why'd you do that?" The white guy replies "we have too many of these in our country."