A son walks up to his dad and says...are you a gay buffalo? And the dad looks at him and says, no, I'm bison.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Monday, November 30, 2015
So, Satan Goes To A Church...
Everyone in the congregation runs out of the building, screaming in terror, except for one old man. Satan looks curiously at this old man, who seems to be paying him no attention. "Why aren't you running away?" Satan inquired. The old man looked him dead in the eye and replied "Because I've been married to your sister for 50 goddamn years."
A Famous Musician Has Disappeared...
Today was a strange day at the beach.
A famous musician has disappeared, and some fishermen found a codaver. It's in an advanced state of de-composition, but it's clear he received a big bow to da capo. Some worry that the piper can not sustain so many onlookers. There are no suspects. The Police are improvising.
So A Woman Goes To The Doctor Because Her Husband Has Lost His Libido.
Woman: We haven't made love in over 6 months, and I have needs!
Doctor: No problem, I have the perfect medication for him. Just take one of these little red pills, crush it up and put it in his coffee, and let me know how it goes.
Three days later the doctor receives a phone call.
Woman: Doctor, I did exactly what you asked, and I have good news and bad news.
Doctor: What's the good news?
Woman: The pill worked perfectly. I crushed one up and put it into his coffee, and not 2 minutes later, he took me right there, on the table! It was amazing.
Doctor: That's great news, so glad for you! So what's the bad news?
Woman: We've been banned from Starbucks for life...
Old Guys Sex Frequency
Western men between 50 and 79 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year. This was very upsetting news to most of my friends as they had no idea they were Japanese.
Temper Cure...
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
The Muslim Bookstore
So, I was walking through the mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes that's the one," Do you have it in paperback?
A Guy Gets On A Bus With A Pocket Full Of Golf Balls...
He sits down next to a blonde who keeps looking at his pants.
After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."
"What?" The blonde replies.
"It's golf balls," the man responds.
"Oh," says the blonde. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Why Did So Many Black People Die In Vietnam?
Because when they shouted "GET DOWN!" they all started dancing.
Why Can't Mexico Beat The US In The Olympics?
Because all their runners, jumpers and swimmers are already here.
Casket In A Fishing Boat.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, "that guy must have been an avid fisherman." "Oh he still is," remarked one of the mourners. "As a mater of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
Why Did Smokey The Bear Never Have Any Children?
Every time his wife got hot he hit her with a shovel.
A Fight Broke Out Between A PE Teacher And Arts & Crafts Teacher. The Arts & Crafts Teacher Wins.
Because karate is good, but a hammer is still a fucking hammer...
Watch What You Say
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
Can You Help Me Write This Joke?
I realized the word chauvinistic can sound like "shovin' his dick" which is kind of funny and ironic....maybe?
I think some kind of Jeff Foxworthy esque joke can be made around this. Any ideas?
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Why Is It That When A Woman Sleeps With A Bunch Of Men, She Is A Slut?
But when I do it, suddenly I am gay?
"So There's Two Muffins In An Oven"
One muffin says to the other "man, its hot in here!" The other muffin turns and says "Holy shit! A talking muffin!!"
So I Am Eating Out This Pussy ..
when I tasted a horse sperm. So I looked up and said "Grandma! So that's how you died"
An English, American And Mexican Guy Climb Up Everest...
They decide to sacrifice some things from their country as they are overflowing with these specific things. The English man grabs some tea and pours it off and says ' i have too much of this in my country' the Mexican man throws a taco off and says ' i have too much of this in my country' and finally the American guy grabs the Mexican and throws him off and says ' i have too much of this in my country'.
The World Has Become So Politically Correct These Days...
...that you can't say black paint anymore...
You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence."
A Child Asked His Father, "How Were People Born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Hurricane Gussy (NSFW?)
A man enters a brothel and tells the madam he's looking for something new and exciting.
The madam says "Well, we have one girl who is a contortionist."
The man says "No, that's too ordinary."
The madam thinks for a moment and says "What about a Hurricane Gussy? Have you ever tried that?"
The man gets excited and says "No, I haven't. Let me try one of those." So he goes upstairs into a room, takes off all his clothes and waits.
A tall, beautiful woman enters the room. She starts jumping around, waving her arms and blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?"
She says "I am Hurricane Gussy, these are the hurricane winds blowing."
Then, she stands behind the man and starts beating him over the head with her breasts.
The man says "Now what the hell are you doing?"
She says "These are the coconuts falling from the trees because of the hurricane."
Then, she stands over the man and starts peeing.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?"
She says "This is the rain from the hurricane."
The man gets up and starts to get dressed.
She says "What the hell are you doing?"
"Leaving," says the man. "Who can fuck in weather like this?"
(My 65 year old dad told me this joke last night, and I thought it might be appreciated here)
Two Whales Are Swimming In The Ocean.
One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"
Apparently Miley Cyrus Called Out Taylor Swift For Being A Bad Role Model
It sounds like Miley has some Bad Blood.
Yo Mamma's So Fat...
When she walks down the street, people start telling Han Solo he better get out of here
Why Did The Jewish Woman Cry When She Was Forced To Pay The Full Price?
Because she could not avoid the whole cost.
I Said To The Chemist: Can I Have Some Sleeping Pills For The Wife?
He said: “Why?” I said: “She keeps waking up.”
Rich Arab
This Rich Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
What's The Difference Between A Viola And A Trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
Husband In The Kitchen
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
HER GOLDFISH DIED
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when Her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and Ive just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "Thats because he`s inside your freakin cat."
You Have To Be A Monk To Find Out.
This is a long one, it's a good campfire story.
One day a tourist was driving down a road when suddenly his rental car breaks down outside of a monastery. He has no where to go so he decides to ask the monastery if he can stay the night. The monks kindly allow him to stay the night in a spare room, they also offer him food and allow him to bathe. Everything was fine until that night, when he was trying to sleep he kept on hearing a ticking noise coming from somewhere in the monastery. He decided it was nothing and went to bed. The next morning he was having breakfast and he asks the monks what the noise was. All the monks replied by saying, "You have to be a monk to find out." After hearing this all morning he decides to ask the monks how he can become one of them. The head of the monastery says that he has to count all the grains of sand in the world and then he will be allowed to become a monk. Being a dedicated man he decides to accept the challenge and spent the next 25 years of his life counting all the grains of sand on the Earth. He returns to the monastery and gives the head of the monastery the answer. The head then accepts him into the monastery and tells him where he can find the source of the noise. The man reaches a set of wooden doors, he proceeds to open them and walk through. He can hear the noise getting louder as he advances through a set of bronze and then silver doors. Finally he reaches a set of pure gold doors, he opens them and finds out what the noise was.
What's the noise?
You have to be a monk to find out.
An Italian Man, A Jewish Man And A Polish Man Were All Talking About Their Teenage Daughters.
The Italian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked." The Jew says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." Then the Polish man speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Annoying Husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife says: I clean the toilet... Husband says: How does that help? Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
A Priest, A Rabbi, And A Pastor Walked Into A Bar.
And the bartender said, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
What Did The Sign In The Egyptian Funeral Home Say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
People Who Are Offended When I Breastfeed In Public Need To Shut The Fuck Up
What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
Why Did The Fish Cross The Ocean?
Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.
Remember The Old Times In The Internet?
Where men are men, women are men, and
the national security agents are young children.
Farmer Max Gets A Visit By A Health Inspector....
The Inspector:"What do you feed your sheep ?"
Farmer Max:"The black ones or the white ones ?"
Inspector:"*The white ones. *"
Farmer Max:"Grass."
Inspector:"and the black ones ?"
Farmer Max:"Grass!"
Inspector:"Okayy,where do you keep them ?"
Farmer Max:"The black ones or the white ones ?"
Inspector:"*The white ones. *"
Farmer Max:"In that pen,overthere"
Inspector:"and the black ones ?"
Farmer Max:"I keep them there too."
A frustrated Inspector:"Why do you keep asking white ones or the black ones ?"
Farmer Max:"Because,the white ones are mine !"
Inspector:"and the black ones ?"
Farmer Max"So are they !"
Saturday, November 28, 2015
There Are Three Kinds Of People In New Zealand..
The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..
In A Perfect World There Would Be No Raisins, Chocolate, Onions, And Macadamia Nuts.
And there would still be Rocky, Coco, Dixie, and Spot.
Tit For Tat
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that student isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" student says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Student says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." student asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Student says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
The Genie.
A man and his wife were plying ping pong in their home, when the wife accidentally struck the ball too hard, and it went into their neighbor’s open window and there was a sound of breaking glass from inside.
Nobody came out and there was no sign of the neighbor, so the couple thought they would sneak in and recover the ball, and replace whatever was broken.
When they went in, it was all dark, and nobody was home. As they went in the room where the ball fell, they saw a broken glass bottle on the floor and a very hideous and strange looking man sitting in chair.
Before the wife could scream, The man said.. “Thank you so very much!! I am a genie and I have been trapped in this bottle for over a thousand years. I am in your debt for freeing me."
"Now normally it is my duty to grant three wishes; however since you freed me unintentionally, I will grant you one wish each and the third I will keep for myself.”
The couple was overjoyed! And couldn’t believe their luck!
The man went first. “I’d like 10 Million dollars to be deposited in my bank account every month till the day I die.” He said.
“Your wish has been granted!” declared the genie.
The woman said “I’d like a mansion on the most picturesque location in every country of the world!”
“Done!” claimed the genie.
“And now for my own wish” the genie said. “I haven’t made love to a beautiful woman in over a thousand years and I’d like to have sex with this woman right now”
The husband and wife looked at each other and decided that it was a small price to pay for all the gifts that the genie has given them, so the genie took the wife to bedroom and had loud passionate sex with her for at least a couple of hours while the husband waited outside..
When they were finished the genie said to the exhausted woman “you two seem rather well educated”
The woman said “Yes, actually we are. My husband is an engineer and I’m a doctor.”
The genie said “An engineer and a doctor eh…. Don’t you think you are bit old to still believe in genies and fairy tales?!?”
A Nutritionist Is Giving A Speech At A Conference On Eating Healthy
Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is? After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"
A Man Comes Into A Public Toilet...
... there are three guys in there already (of course they keep one bowl between each other like the guy-code demands).
As he walks past the first guy he can't help but notice that he pees in a strange two beamed manner. Puzzled he asks:
-"Whoa, dude, whats wrong with your dick?!"
-"Well, I was shot during service. My penis healed but I have this problem since then."
-"Oh, i'm sorry to hear that." The man says and continues his journey towards his designated bowl of relief.
He passes the second guy and, again, notices something weird. The second dude is pissing in five beams.
-"Holy shit! I thought the first guy had a problem, but this is even worse!"
-"Yeah, I know, I hate that. But I am a firefighter and once a red-hot iron flew trough my crotch. Luckily everything still works, but as you can see I have a little issue while peeing."
Baffled the man walks away and soon comes past the third guy. Even worse than the first two men this one has 25 beams.
-"OH MY GOD! That must have been a horrible accident!"
-"Actually no, I'm fine, my zipper just got stuck."
What's The Difference Between A Soccer Player And The Fantastic Four?
The soccer player's flop was better.
"What Are You Doing Today?"
"What are you doing today?"
"Nothing."
"That's what you did yesterday."
"I'm not done yet."
10 Things You Didn't Know You Could Do With A Selfie Stick.
- Use selfie stick to stuff rags in your exhaust pipe
2.Use selfie stick to beat ppl who have selfie sticks
3
Assorted S A/e X Jokes
Remember to always practice safe sax We don't suck we blow wet the butt, wiggle, and blow
A White Guy, A Black Guy, And A Mexican Were On A Boat...
A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican were on a boat. The boat is too heavy and is starting to sink, so each throws something overboard. The black guy throws his fried chicken into the water. The Mexican throws out his tacos. The white guy throws out the mexican and the black guy.
racism isn't funny, except when it is. (I'm not racist)
Know What Her Cervix And A Plate Glass Patio Door Have In Common
They both make her eyes light up when you run into them.
Friday, November 27, 2015
So I Was Trying To Get Some Solid Advice On Consensual Sex From A Police Officer.
Apparently 9/10 police officers stated that if you can't say no, it means yes.
The clorophorm didn't work on the tenth officer.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Because you stole daddys car!
Why you steal daddys car?!
(chappie joke I stole from youtube)
So I Saw My Ex Girlfriend The Other Day And We Were Talking
I was like " oh I saw a picture that reminded me of you the other day " and she's like "really?" And immediately I realised this was a bad idea because the picture I had seen was on a porn site . So she says "yeah, who was the photo of " so being that I know she's not a super sensitive person, "im not completely sure, it was on a porn site, this girl was on her knees covered in semen with a dick in her mouth"
So she says "ew that's gross , and you said this girl looked like me?!?!"
I said "what no when did I say that, I said the picture reminded me of you..."
A Woman Gets On A Bus With Her Baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Why Don't You Ever See Three Mexicans Crossing The Border At The Same Time?
Because the signs say "No trespassing"
Surrogate Father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am,' he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
My Mom Just Told A Terrible Dad Joke.
I was outside talking with my parents around the fire and I mentioned that I had read on reddit today that the astronauts were going to eat space-grown produce for the first time ever. My mother upon hearing this said:
"I hear they're growing strawberries and they're going to make space jam".
I Was In Starbucks The Other Day And I Saw A Guy Who Dropped His Coffee On The Floor By Mistake.....
I said to the man "wow, you actually dropped it like it's hot"
What's The Difference Between A Dead Baby And A Sandwich? [nsfw]
I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it.
(Although they're terrible I can't help but to love dead baby jokes)
A College Professor Asks All Of His Students To Yell Out Stereotypes For A Class Project
For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.
"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.
Poop Patties
What did the fry cook do when he found out they were making the burger patties with feces?
He flipped a shit.
Anyone Remember This From The Austin Powers Commercial?
"If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."
[NSFW] The Fastest Man Alive
"Thank God you're here Premature Ejaculation Man!"Cried the helpless victim. "I came as fast as I could!" responded P.E. Man
Me And The Wife Were Sitting At A Table
Me and the wife were sitting at a table at her highschool reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging on a beer as he sat at a nearby table,
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed, "he's my old boyfriend, I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Wow" I said "who would think that a person could go on celebrating for so long!
Do You Have A Small 2$ To Spare?
Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunately, the bike only has one pedal. If you had 2$ to spare, we'd send you the DVD. It's fucking hilarious.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
I Was So Happy To Hear Apple Added A New Camera Feature..
With the addition of panorama I can finally send dick pics to my ex wife!!
If You Are Warm And Happy In A Pile Of....
Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for winter. Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. As he flew along, the little bird grew cold and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the poor bird and thawed the ice so that the bird began to chirp and sing. A cat wandered by, heard the noise, and dug through the manure until he found the bird and ate him. The moral of this story is:
Being different makes you cold, lonely, and gets you shit on.
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
[NSFW] What's The Difference Between Acne And A Priest ?
Acne waits until you're 14 to come all over your face
An Old Man Is Sitting On His Porch...
When he sees some kids walking down the street with chicken wire. He says "hey kids, what are you doing with all of that chicken wire?" And the kids respond "we are going to catch chickens" the old man says "oh come on you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that day to the old mans disbelief he sees the same kids walking up the street with chickens
The next day the old man is sitting on his porch and he sees the kids coming again. This time they're carrying duct tape and the old man says "what are you doing with that duct tape" the kids laugh and reply "we are going to catch ducks." The old man says "that's ridiculous! There's no way you can catch ducks with duct tape!" Later that day the kids are walking down the street with ducks.
The third day the old man is waiting on his porch as usual, waiting to see what those kids are up to today. When the kids walk up the old man says "what do you got there?" And the kids say "pussywillow" "Hold on let me get my hat"
A Priest And His 3 Sons.
A priest comes home to his 3 sons.
He asks the first son "Son, have you sinned today?" The son says "Yes Father I hit someone" The priest says "Go drink from the Holy Water."
He asks the second son if he has sinned, the second son responds "Yes father I swore" The priest says " Go drink from the Holy Water."
The priest asks the final son, "Son, have you sinned today?" The boy says " Yes I pissed in the Holy Water."
If this has been posted before, sorry
The Fantastic Four Porno Adaptation
The Fantastic Fourskin
Where all the actors are expected to suck.
How Does A Black Women Find Out She's Pregnant?
When she pulls out a tampon and all the cotton is already picked.
Circumcision Joke [nsfw]
A mohel (for those who don't know, a mohel/moyel/mohil is a Jewish person trained as a circumciser for the bris) is about to retire and calls his friend in to tell him the news. His friend said "Why that's wonderful news, you've spent many a year behind the knife, I bet you'll be glad to retire." "Yes, I am, and look at this. I've saved every foreskin from every bris I've ever done, all here in this ziploc bag," and he pulls out a enormous bag full of foreskins. "Well, that's, um, different, I guess.. but why on earth would you save all those?" "I'm going to take them to a tanner and have him make a keepsake out of them." Mohel goes to the tanner, has the foreskins made into a keepsake, and later sees his friend on the street. Friend says "So did you have something made with the foreskins?" Mohel says "Of course, the tanner made me this" and pulls out a brand new wallet. "But Mohel, the bag was so full! You only wound up with this small wallet?" "Well yeah, but if you rub it it turns into a suitcase."
French Tanks Have 6 Gears For Going Backwards And Only 1 Gear For Going Forward
In case they get attacked from behind
Diets
Two men are told by a woman that they needs to diet, to which they respond "We are on a seafood diet" and then say "See food!" and eat a pizza. The woman responds by saying "Well I am on a semen diet". One man is confused and the other is excited, then she says "See men!" and viciously eats their faces off.
Why Does Society Think Less Of A Man When He Strikes A Woman Instead Of Sparing Them?
Because a strike only requires one ball while a spare requires two balls
A Paedophile And A Young Boy Are Walking Through A Forest At Midnight.....
The young boy says, "I'm scared".
The paedophile says, "You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own!"
A Man Walked Into A Woman.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
A Newlywed Wife Makes Her Husband Pay Her A Dollar Before They Have Sex.
The husband shrugs and forks it over. This continues throughout the marriage; every time they have sex, he has to pay her a buck. The husband comes home one day many years later, earlier than usual, and informs the wife that he's lost his job, and he's unsure how they will continue. His wife shows him a bank statement with an account holding over $500,000. "Where did you get this?" he asks. "Remember that dollar you paid me ever time you wanted to have sex? It added up over the years." The husband begins sobbing loudly, and the wife is mystified. "Why are you crying? We're saved!", she says. He replies, "If only I'd brought you ALL my business!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Can I Man And A Woman Have Sex While Running?
By principle, yes.
By practicality, no. Because a woman runs faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.
Tom Brady Is A Clever Mastermind
He learned from another great American hero named Tom and convinced Bill Belichick to whitewash his offenses.
As Everyone Takes Their Position, Somebody Sneezes.
Stalin asks, "who sneezed?" Nobody answers. So he asks the 1st row of people. Again, nobody answered so he kills everyone. Then he asks the 2nd row and again, nobody answers. So he kills everyone in the 2nd row. He then goes to the people in the 3rd row and one guy raises his hand and says, "it was me" in a very scared tone. So Stalin says, "bless you."
A Terminally Ill Woman Comes To Visit Her Priest In The Miswest One Last Time...
"Father, I would like to tell you my wishes for how I plan on leaving the mortal world."
"Yes, Betty. Tell me."
"I would like to be cremated."
"Unorthodox, but ok."
"And I would like my ashes to be buried underneath the women's health section in walmart."
"Excuse me, miss? Why would you do that?"
"So my sons visit me twice a week."
"Mildred, Are You Putting On Weight?"
Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."
Santa Claus And A Blonde...
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
A Friend Asked Me If I'd Rather Marry A Mediocre Woman, Or My Dream Girl-- Plus A Dick.
"That's easy," I said. "I don't want to settle for average. I'll take the girl with two dicks."
*NSFW* A Vampire Walks In To A Bar.
He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender brings over the glass of hot water and with a puzzled look asks "don't vampires drink blood?" "Yes" the vampire responds as he pulls a used tampon out of his coat and puts it in the glass "but today I just feel like having tea."
85 Year Old Man Was Requested A Sperm Count By His Doctor
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
My Monkey...
Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
A Man On His Deathbed Told His Wife He Would Like To Make Love One Last Time...
She replied "I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!"
Everybody Says Australians Are Rednecks Learn Already...
...it's actually from latin word Australis which means Southern...
Oops
Six Shots Of Jagermeister
A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first blow job," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Why Did The Snail Want To Paint The Letter "S" On His Race Car?
So, people could point and go "Look at that S-Car Go!"
Elevator Ride...
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
A Woman And Her Baby Get Onto A Bus, And The Bus Driver Says "That Is The Ugliest Baby I've Ever Seen"...
Offended, the woman takes her baby to the back of the bus. She sits down next to a man and tells him "The bus driver just insulted me!" The man replied "Go and demand an apology! Don't worry, I'll hold your pet monkey."
A Man Fixes Things
If a man says he will fix something, he will!
There's no need to remind him every six months...
I Said To My Wife's Mother "when You're Dead, I'll Dance In Your Grave."
she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
Why Couldn't The Guy With Insomnia Have An Affair With Anyone's Wife?
Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.
John's Parrot Had A Dirty Mouth....
so he took it to a psychiatrist.The psychiatrist understanding the problem asked for a month to work with. After a month when john visited the psychiatrist he was astonished to see his parrot greet him as 'Sir'. Seeing that John was impressed the psychiatrist said: " Well I took him through an intensive training course and now he does not cuss at all , what more if you pull its right foot ,he will ask you about your day and if you pull his left foot it will ask you about your health !." "What would happen if I pulled both of its foot ?" asked a curious John. The parrot says "Well then I would fall you motherf***in idiot !"
A Joke About Pineapples
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any pineapples? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. " She replies "There is no Fuck in pineapples?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
2 Men In An Elevator
There are 2 men in an elevator: one gay and one straight. Suddently, the straight guy says: "I think I smell cum". The gay one soon replies: "Sorry I burped"
Eating Out
This one time I was eating this chick, then all the sudden I tasted horse cum.
I was like, damn grandma, that's how you died.
What Happened To You?
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”
“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”
“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”
I've Got An Intracranial Embolism...
...at least, that's what my doctor told him when I mentioned that I had Bad Blood stuck in my head.
I Played Monopoly With A Bunch Of Hippies.
We played for twenty minutes, but everyone ran out of money so we hung out on Free Parking.
Originator Of WHO IS JACK SCHITT
I am now 80 yrs. young. I am so pleased that over the years so many people have copied my joke about the family lineage of Jack Schitt. I wrote it back in the early 60's after college. It was such a common expression in those days and quite amusing as many people would espouse they knew what they were talking about but didn't. It made people laugh which was the whole point. Robert Hutton
NSFW Why Are Vaginas And Assholes So Close Together?
So that you can carry a woman like a 6-pack of beer.
I'm Sorry Your What Eyes?
I just spent a weekend at a wedding and my friend brought his girlfriend that very few of us had spent much time around. His girlfriend is a wee little Asian lady that we shall call Margaret (fitting I know). We were all in a group making our normal wise cracks and being the silly people we are while Margaret was acting shy and only giggling every once in a while. All of a sudden out of left field Margaret chimes in "You better look out if you see me and my squinty eyes driving down the road, I might kill you." We were all a bit flabbergasted and didn't know if we should laugh or if she was being serious.
(NSFW) Oprah Visits A Therapist
(Just to preface this, I love Oprah and think she's a fantastic human being. My dad just recently told me this joke and I thought I should share it here.)
Oprah goes to LA's best, most reputable therapist because she's been experiencing depression recently. She's heard that the therapist is unorthodox, but effective and she gives it a try.
She enters his office for her first session and the therapist asks her to remove all of her clothing and go on all fours in front of the TV. Oprah is confused but obliges because she's been told she has to trust the process.
The therapist then asks her to go on all fours against the wall on the other side of the room. She walks to the other side of the room, still puzzled, and kneels down.
Again, the therapist asks her to go on all fours in front of the window. Oprah is dying of curiosity so she finally asks, "Sir, I know you're the best in the business, but how on earth is this supposed to help me?!"
The therapist replies: "Oh, this isn't part of the therapy. I just bought a brown leather couch and I want to see where it looks best!"
I'm All Wet!
"Give it to me!" she yelled,
"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
King Arthur Leaves For Two Weeks
but before he leaves, he knows Guinevere will cheat on him with all the knights, so he installs a special chastity belt that slices off anything that enters it.
When Arthur returns, he lines up all of his knights and instructs them to take off their pants and underwear (Act like pants and underwear exists in the 5th century, Ok?) and discovers that all of them have no penis except for Sir Xavier. The king says to him,
"Sir Xavier, you are the most honorable, faithful knight that works for me. What can I grant you?"
Alas, Sir Xavier was silent.
Vampire Was Searching The Garbage...
...and the man came and asked him...
M: what are you doing?
V: I am looking for used tampons...
M: why?
V: My wife is sick, I have to make her some tea!
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Sees Hitler...
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler.
"Hey, is that Hitler?" he asks the bartender.
"Yeah that's Adolf and his right hand man. Have a cold beer and go introduce yourself!"
The man gets a nice cold bottle from the bartender and makes his way over to Hitler.
"Hello Adolf."
"How are you?" Adolf asks.
"Good, what are you doing?"
Hitler's right hand man chimes in. "We are going over plans for World War III."
"Ah, what are your plans for it?" the bar visiting man asks.
"Well, we will kill 1 million Jews and 1 bicycle repair man," Adolf's right hand man answers.
"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repair man?" asks the man.
Hitler becomes excited and turns to his right hand man.
"Ha! See? I told you nobody would care about the Jews."
The Holocaust is a terrible thing. This is a terrible joke. However, it has made people laugh, even Jewish people because it is very unexpected. I have no issue with Jewish men or women.
edit: I'm sorry to the people saying this joke is posted here a lot. I have a busy schedule and am only familiar with a few subreddits... I wish I knew more about all the subreddits as so many people here do, but I don't. I didn't realize this joke is so common! Sorry!
Have You Heard About The Recent Discovery About That Moon Of Jupiter?
Although it is very exciting, astronomers maintain that its Loki.
Two Odessa Women Fall Out With Each Other:
- Oh, you old whore!
- Sarah! I do not understand, what's age got to do with It ?!
A Woman Comes To The Physician
- Herr doctor! My husband is very sick!
- OK. Get undressed and show me what does he complain of...
Monday, November 23, 2015
A Man Was In A Bar.
A man was in a bar when an ugly girl came up to him, squeeze his ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."
"Do you have a pen?", he asked.
"Yes.", she answered.
The man shot back, "Well, then you had better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."
Did You Hear The One About The Woman With A Breast Implant Made Of Wood?
It would be funny if it had a punchline
Wooden tit
Something Got Into My Wife's Eye
- Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye, I had to bring her to the doctor. It cost me $ 20!
- Trifles! Last week, a fur coat got my wife's eyes. It cost me $ 3000 ...
The New Car
I remember the day my father gave me money and told me to go pay the electricity bill. I went, and on my way , I saw there was a contest for a brand new car, so I used all the money from the bill to enter. I went home and told my dad what happened, and he beat the shit out of me. The next day, I woke up and saw all my family outside the house, and I wondered what they were doing, so I got out and finally saw it. A brand new car parked in front of our house, tears went by that day, specially mine..... it was the electric company's car, they were cutting out the power, and I got beat the shit out of me again.
X/y
If Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner were to go missing, would they put his/her picture on a half n half carton?
Country Girl And A Cowboy
- I will marry you, if you have 500 head of cattle and seven-inch penis ...
- I could sell 14 500 head of cattle to stay with 500 head to marry you, but cut two inches off my penis... No!
Three Old Women In The Park
There were three old woman in the park when suddenly a semi-nude man walks up to them and shows his private parts. The first old woman saw him and had a stroke. The second old woman saw and also had a stroke. The third old woman did not have a stroke because her arms were too short.
A Black Guy And A Greek Guy Are Stranded On An Island...
They hadn't eaten in 3 days, so they each made a fishing rod for themselves and tried to catch something. After a few minutes, they both caught the same fish.
Since they were hungry and horny, they decided that whoever could last the longest inside the other would get the fish.
So, the black guy gets on all fours, and the greek enters... He lasted about 10 minutes and enjoyed it quite a bit.
The black guy then said: "My turn."
And the greek guy replied: "Ahh you don't need to do that. Go ahead and take the damn thing!"
My Mom Thinks Im The Only One That Uses The Internet This Late...
but little does she know, all of you exist
I Recently Broke Up With My Long Term Japanese Girlfriend...
She didn't seem to understand so I had to drop the bomb on her twice.
A Man Is Standing In Front Of A Bar...
...named Rachel's Legs. A cop drives by, stops his vehicle and looks at the man. Then he drives off. 30 minutes later the cop drives by, looks at the man and drives off. 15 minutes later the same cop drives by again. He gets suspicious, gets out of his vehicle and walks over to the man. "Excuse me sir," the officer speaks, "You've been standing here for 45 minutes now. What are you trying to do?" "Oh I'm sorry officer," the man replies, "I'm just waiting for Rachel's Legs to open so I can get a drink."
Bloody Cacti
Two freinds, Bill and Steve, planned a trekking adventure in the sonoran desert, they had it all planned out, they had all the supplies, and emergency beacon if they needed it.
"Before we go", says Bill, "you need to know to stay away from the cacti, i hate those bastards", Steve agreed and they began their trek. Part way in they had a break for food and water. They could see some cacti where they stopped, and Bill mumbles
"Bloody bastard cacti, good for nothing", Steve just nodded and laughed and they continued on.
Later on they come to a large crevasse, at the bottom of which were large amounts of cacti, Bill turns to Steve and says, "be careful, don't walk too close to the ed-", and was interrupted by the rock collapsing beneath him and fell straight in to the pit of cacti.
Steve carefully made his way down to help Bill, he found him completely covered in them , bill says, "Steve, These cacti...", "i know, i know, Bill, they're bloody bastards". "Well, i used to hate them, but now they're kind of growing on me".
Ten Bad Jokes Are On A Bus...
The bus goes careening off of a cliff, rolls down an embankment and bursts in to flames at the bottom.
When rescue crews arrive, they heroically save nine of the jokes.
Unfortunately, there was one pun in ten dead.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
What Is Worse Than Locking Your Keys In Your Car Parked At Planned Parent Hood?
going inside to borrow a coat hanger
If You Managed To Figure Out The Code To Someone Else's Luggage...
Could you say you solved the case?
The Woman Next To Me On This Roller-coaster Won't Stop Screaming And Shouting.
It's like she's never seen a man trimming his pubes before!
Did You Hear About The Chicken Who Liked Classical Music?
I swear it was all he talked about. He would go on and on. "Bach, Bach, Bach"!
There Once Was A Man Who Was In Love With Trains...
From a young age, Jack had been obsessed with everything trains. He'd always wanted to get a job working with them. He spent all of his spare time playing on train tracks, riding trains, and reading about them. Eventually the time had come for Jack to go to college. So he went to school to become an engineer, and studied hard.
Jack graduated at the top of his class, and got a job with a global train company, driving the trains. Jack loved his job, it was his dream. Unfortunately, within the first few months, he caused a major crash that killed a slew of people. Jack was fired, and had to go find work elsewhere.
By determination and a stroke of sheer luck, Jack again found a job with a national train company. It was smaller than the global one, but still a very good gig, and would allow Jack to do what he loved. A few months into that job, he caused yet another crash, killing more people. Again, Jack was fired and had to start looking for a new job.
Throughout the next few years, Jack jumped from company to company, trying to hold on to the job he enjoyed so dearly but ultimately killing people through accidental train crashes. After some time, there were just no companies that would hire Jack.
Deciding to go where nobody knew his name, Jack managed to get a job in a small town, again driving the local trains. He was elated, he had found his dream job again. As it would happen, a couple months in, he crashed the train, and everyone on it died.
Eventually, Jack's guilt caught up with him, he gave up on trying to drive trains, quit working, confessed his accidental crimes, and was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The day of the execution, the executioner sat him down, asked him for any last words. Jack had none. The switch was flipped, Jack was zapped...
... and remained alive.
Distraught, the executioner tried again, but to no avail.
He unshackled Jack and asked, "why won't you die?"
Jack answered, "well, I suppose I'm just not a good conductor."
The Bunny And The Fruit.
Four friends were walking down a forest path. After a while they saw a bunny in front of them.
The bunny yelled, "Stop! You cannot proceed further until you play my game, or else you will die."
The four friends not taking any chances from a talking bunny agreed. The bunny told all four friends to go in the forest and bring back 10 round fruit.
After 10 minutes, the first friend arrived with 10 apples. The bunny said "That's great, now put all 10 in your butt and you'll be free."
So the first guy began to place each apple in his butt, but he died after the third apple.
Few minutes later, the second friend arrived with ten oranges. Instructed the same as the first friend, he started to place oranges in his butt, but he died after the fourth orange.
Some time later, the third friend arrived with a bundle of ten grapes. Same rules as the previous two, he began to place grapes up his behind. It was miraculously easy for him. One after the other, the grapes entered his body..6...7...8...9...
When he got to the tenth grape, before he even put it in, he burst out laughing. He fell on the floor and laughed so hard that he couldn't breathe. Eventually he died.
The guy turned up in heaven with the other two friends who died. His friends asked him, "Dude, why did you start laughing!? You almost had all the grapes in!"
The guy replied, "Yeah I know, I didn't mean to. I was going to put the last grape in but then I saw our last buddy coming down the hill with ten watermelons!"
A Young Soldier Is Sent To A Military Base In The Middle Of A Desert.
After a few weeks he starts to get extremely horny, so he goes to the captain to ask him what to do.
"Chief, how can you withstand such long times without women?"
"You get used to it soon, but if you really miss them, there's a camel in the stable that you can use."
He is disgusted by the thought at first, but after a long time he goes there and does his business. At last, dirty and tired to death, he is done. On his way back he meets the captain.
"Boss, it was so hard, how do others do it?"
"Normally, we sit on the camel and ride to the city."
(Sorry for bad English)
A Guy Walks Into A Convenience Store...
he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."
So 3 Nazis Walk Into A B.A.R.
They all died within 6 seconds. (If you didn't know B.A.R stands for Browning Automatic Rifle.)
Light A Man A Fire And He'll Be Warm For An Evening...
Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
There's A Support Group For Burned-out Hacker/activists Who Want To Give Up The Habit.
It's called Anonymous Anonymous.
Friday, November 20, 2015
My Girlfriend Is A Porn Star!
She's gonna be pissed when she finds out.
EDIT: thanks for front page!
Why I Fired My Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
QA Engineer Walks Into A Bar ...(x-post From R/programmerHumor)
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.
Now I'm Not Saying You're Old...
but if you were milk I'd smell you before pouring you on my cereal.
An Old Man And His Wife Die...
An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves. The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"
Three Brothers
They were three brothers. Their names were Manners, Troubles and Shut Up.
One day Troubles disappeared. His brothers tried to search for him and decided to go to the police station. When they got there they agreed that only Shut Up should go inside and that Manners ought to wait outside. The younger brothers walks in to the police station and goes by the desk.
Officer: "What's your name?"
Brother: "Shut Up."
Officer: "Young boy where are the manners?"
Brother: "Outside."
Officer: "You must be looking for troubles!"
Brother: "All right!"
Umgawala!
The British came to America wanting to colonize the land some years after it had been discovered by Colombus. With the help of a translator the british ambassador made a speech to the general populous telling them how amazing things would be under the British rule. "We will make roads for you" he said, and people shouted "Umgawala Umgawala" pumped by the enthusiastic response he said "We will provide the best education for all" and once again "Umgawala". "We will provide clean drinking water and irrigation systems" "Umgawala" and so on he went. After the speech he went with his translator for a tour of the local lands to meet the people in person. They came across a cattle farm. As he was admiring the healthy cattle his translator shouted "Look out! You almost stepped into some Umgawala."
Two Policemen Are Sitting By The River Taking A Break.
Two policemen are sitting by the river taking a break. A farmer arrives in his pickup truck and asks them:
Do you know how deeps is the water here? Will i be able to drive through?
Sure you can! It’s really shallow! - one of the policemen answers
The farmer drives his pickup into the river and his car is quickly picked up by the current and sinks.
Weird - says one policeman to the other - that duck had to have really long legs.
A Man Walks Into A Bakery...
So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.
"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.
"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.
"But it's his birthday!"
Visit From The Sheriff
A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. There were two deputies there. He asked them if there was a problem.
One of the deputies asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too.”
What's The Difference Between A Puppy And A Kernel Of Corn?
Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.
Kevin And Stuart Both Named Bob As The Sole Beneficiary In Their Wills....
They made him a Multi Minion Heir
Comeback Is Real!
A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival. The passage way was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer, “I never make way for fools!”
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, “I Always Do.”
The Planet Would Be A Better Place If People Would Just Be Who They Truly Are.
Human civilization would collapse within a week...
An Older, Heavyset Lady Walks Into A Tattoo Parlor.
She tells the artist that she wants Roy Orbison on the inside of her left thigh and Johnny Cash on the inside of her right thigh. After 4 painful hours, the artist rolls his chair back looking satisfied. She looks down and tells the artist that they just don't look right to her.
The artist goes outside and finds someone for a second opinion. He walks in with the town drunk stumbling in tow and explains the situation. The drunk says "Well, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."
A Penguin Is Driving Through The Desert When Suddenly His Car Breaks Down.
Fortunately enough for him, he was able to coast right into a near by auto garage. The Mechanic informed the penguin that the diagnosis of his vehicle may take well up to an hour and that there is an ice cream shop down the street where he could kill some time and cool down on this hot desert day. The penguin did just that. A lil over an hour passed and the penguin returned to the garage. Deseparate to know how his car troubles would translate financially, the penguin sat and waited for his results .
Mechanic: "Well penguin, looks like you blew a seal"
Penguin : "No, That's just ice cream :
Last Night I Went For A Rectal Exam
The doctor told me that I really should stop masturbating.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm trying to give you a rectal examination"
Grand Theft Auto 6 Just Announced. Already Criticized For Displaying "excessive And Gratuitous Violence Towards Pedestrians".
Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.
My Sister Bet 100 Dollars That I Couldn't Build A Car Out Of Spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
A Nerd Goes To The Beach
And none of the women pay him any attention. Embarrassed, he finds a popular guy and asks him for tips.
"Try getting a better haircut."
The nerdy guy tries it, but the women still don't notice him. He asks for more tips.
"Try getting contacts and more stylish swim trunks."
The nerd follows the advice again. He can talk to the girls now, but they still aren't interested. The popular guy says:
"Ok. As a last resort, try putting a potato in your trunks. Not all girls will like it, but it'll get some attention."
The nerd tries it - but it's worse than ever before. All the girls avoid him, even wading out into the water to avoid him. So he goes back to the popular guy, and the popular guy says:
"You're supposed to put the potato in the front, stupid!!"
[OC] Why Did Caitlyn Jenner Lose Custody Rights Of Her Kids?
Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.
I Shot A Cat Today. But I Shot It Nine Times Because You Know Cats....
..are horrible and they deserve to be shot multiple times plus my gun held nine rounds so it's like whatever.. Why not waste a clip
*(I love cats)
A Driver In Manhattan Is Looking For A Parking Space
He is driving for 30 minutes looking for a place to park his car. Desperately, he looks up and pray to god: "God if you get me a parking space, i will go religious, never drink, lie or swear and will help people from now on". As he finishes that - he sees a huge parking space. He lifts his head up and says: "God - cancel that - no need, i got it"...
Anniversary Present
Wife tells her husband that she wants something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds. And on their anniversary her husband hands her a scale.
Bula Joke.
One day, the teacher asks Bula "What is soft, pink and gives you pleasure?"
Bula answers confidently "Pussy!" and gets slapped out of his chair.
"Watch your language! I was talking about cotton candy."
Bula, angry, asks the teacher.
"How about this. What is long and hard when you put it in your mouth and soft and sticky when you pull it out?"
Bula gets slapped once again.
"Chill, I was talking about chewing gum."
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Buddhist Vs Hot Dog Vendor
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
the Buddhist gives him a fifty, and the vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies 'Change comes from within.'
The Buddhist pulls out a gun. "Whoa," the vendor exclaims. "I thought you guys were about inner peace!"
The Buddhist replies, "This is my inner piece."
The vendor replies, "No need to get violent. Do you want the fifty back or something valuable I recently found?"
The Buddhist replies, "What did you find?"
The vendor holds up a small peppermint chocolate with a hole in the middle, holds it up to the sun until a small light shines through the hole, and says "A light in mint".
Difference Between Stop, And Slow Down!
One of my grandpa's favorites So a man doesn't stop at a stop sign, and shortly after gets pulled over. Cop: Why didn't you stop at that stop sign? Man: Well I slowed down, didn't see anybody and kept driving. If you can tell me the difference between stop and slowing down I'll pay the ticket The Officer pulls out his nightstick and beats the man. Cop: Now do you want me to slow down, or stop?
I Thought My Vasectomy Would Keep My Wife From Getting Pregnant, But
apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Jhons Brother Had Died Recently.....
Jhon and Alex, Alex had his girlfriend dump him for his brother right in front of him, depressed, he killed himself. Jhon was happy with his life but he hated waiting, he took his girlfriend to a dance and she told him to get punch, he argued that the line would be big, but there was no punchline.
I'll see myself out.
People Who Call Their Loved Ones "name"-kin
As someone who is actually meta-kin, I find it really offensive.
So The New Ghostbusters Took A Trip To The Hospital Recently
and i.m over here like 'ladies, you have to wait.'
Reincarnation
I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper. Here we go:
I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.
She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.
I said, "You're not listening are you...?"
Tourist In America
I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.
My Teacher Asked Me What A Main Feature Of A Greek Tragedy Was....
Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.
It's Important To Distinguish Between A Seal And A Sealion.
A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.
The Study Of The Penis. [SFW]
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year, and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.34, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the face.
A Local Grocery Bagger Has Been Bagging Cola On Top Of Bread.
Many were concerned that their bread would be flattened. His response to their concerns was "It's fine. They're soft drinks"
I Just Got A New Dog That's Half Saint Bernard And Half Pitbull
He likes to save people and then kill them.
A Man Goes Out For A Few Beers
My Uncle told me this joke years ago while we were camping. It's way better in person, but gives me a little chuckle every time :)
A man goes out for a few beers after a long day at work. He sits at the bar alone for some time before making idle conversation with the new barkeep who'd just begun a shift. They exchange stories, as the man himself once tended bar in his younger days, and he continues to drink. 3AM rolls around before he knows it and his new friend The Bartender tells him it's time to pack it in.
"Alright Buddy, it's been fun, but I gotta close up."
The man smiles, clumsily grabs his wallet from his back pocket and throws a twenty down on the table. He thanks The Bartender for the good conversation and swings around on the stool before falling flat on his face. He looks to the door and thinks to himself that if he can just get outside and get some fresh air, he'll be alright. So he crawls across the room, unnoticed by The Bartender as he counts out his till, and shimmies up the doorway. With a quick turn of the knob, the door lurches forward and the man finds himself making quick friends with the sidewalk.
"Fuck!" He shouts as he lifts himself by his elbows. It's quite dark out and the only real good source of light is coming from a streetlight across and down the road a ways. He begins his exciting crawl. Once he reaches the streetlight he pulls himself up again, readying himself for the walk home, before falling forward once more.
"That's it!" He figures he's had far too many drinks this evening, and makes the genius decision to crawl home.
Luckily the man doesn't live too far away and it's not long before he sees his house just down the street. He continues his crawl, up the street, past the ratty shack his neighbours call home, and across his lawn. He pulls himself up the stairs to his front porch, grabs the doorknob and pulls himself upright, pushing the door forward and, again, falling flat on his face.
The man figures he's had just about enough of this tonight, nudges the door shut behind him, and lets his head rest on one of his slippers in the entrance way before slipping off into dreamland.
The smell of fresh coffee and the sound of birds chirping and dishes clanging seem to wake the man up all at once. He aches all over and can't quite recall why he's slept on the floor in the entranceway of his house. His wife rounds the corner from the kitchen with a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hands.
"Good Morning," she begins, with a crooked smile on her face. "A nice man named Frank called, he works at the bar you were at last night."
Silence. The man readies himself for a good, stern talking to.
She places the coffee down beside her husband and gives him a gentle pat on the back. "You forgot your wheelchair there last night."
So A Science Laboratory Decides To Pull A Little Prank...
... and they set up ads and posters saying they'll pay anyone that can turn into a rock five billion million gajillion dollars. Keep in mind that they are trolling.
Anyway, nobody believes them, except for one very gullible man.
The man then proceeds to do everything he can in an attempt to become a rock. He injects himself with ground-up rock dust, shoves boulders up his ass, and replaces his femur with a rock somehow.
Anyway, he can't turn into a rock, and he is very disappointed. He sighs and goes to the Golden Gate Bridge, ready to jump off and kill himself because he didn't manage to become a rock.
Then, just before jumping, he had a brilliant idea.
He could simply lie about being a rock!
So the man immediately went to church and prayed to Jesus to forgive him for the lie he was about to tell. Jesus forgave him, or so he thought.
After this, the man gave the head priest a kidney and a piece of his intestines as thanks.
Anyway, the man quickly ran home, stripped naked, and painted himself brown.
He now looked like a rock!not
After consuming some rocks to change his internal organs into rocks, the man went off to the legit scientific laboratory of legit science.
When he got there, he ran inside, killed the security guards for good measure, and went into the science room.
When he got in, he started jiggling his naked body around and dancing like a homo, which irritated the scientists.
"Who the fuck are you?!", a scientist said.
"I'm the man who's gonna get five billion million gajillion bucks coz I turned into a rock!", said the man, still dancing.
"What...?", a confused scientist said.
"You owe me five billion million gajillion dollars because I became a fucking rock, fuckas!", the man said.
"No, you retard! That was just a joke! Besides, it's impossible for a human being to become a rock, you fucktard!", said the head scientist.
"B-but I became a rock, I really did...", said the man, who was still dancing but with a pout on his face.
"NO, YOU DIDN'T! YOU ARE NOT A ROCK!", another scientist said.
"I am, I pumise!", said the man.
Did You Hear About The Overweight Introvert Who Thought He Had Won The Hot Dog Eating Contest?
Turns out he was just a bit shy.
New Girlfriend (46)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Sharona, because I just added the song "My Sharona" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
A Survey Company Interviews 3 Christians And Asks Them About Their Daily Routine.
The first man says "Well, I wake up and kiss my beautiful wife and thank Jesus for this lovely day. Then I go to church if I am in the mood. If I'm not in the mood, I watch gospel TV."
The interviewer says: "But I thought Christians had to go to church every Sunday."
"Well," replies the man, "My pastor never told me that."
The second man says: "I wake up and eat a delicious breakfast, but not before saying grace. I then go to work. After work, I go out to drink with my work buddies and eat my favorite food, shellfish."
"Wait," the interviewer interrupts. "I thought the bible banned shellfish and alcohol."
"Well, I drink wine at communion, so I think you are wrong." He replies.
The third Christian, a woman, goes last. "I wake up and go to work, where I teach little children how to be good Christians. After work, I go home and make dinner."
The interviewer says: "But the bible says women cannot teach!"
She replies, "Why, I would never! Jesus would never be so cruel to women!"
The interviewer then tells them about his daily routine.
"I wake up and kiss my handsome husband..." But before he can finish, the 3 interviewees interrupt.
"But... You can't do that! Jesus wouldn't approve!" They all say.
"Who are you to judge me? I thought only God could judge." The interviewer retorts. It's in the bible!
"Wait," the first one says. "There's more to the bible than "Gays are bad, praise Jesus, and a few songs that nobody cares about except those weird ones who dance in the aisle?"
Why Do Some Women Wear Panties With Flowers On Them?
In memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
A Yoga Instructor Walks Into A Bar...
he orders a pint, drinks it fast, then tells the barwoman that she's far too fat and that he recommends some Yoga. On hearing this, a local at the bar whispers in his ear, "look mate, that wasn't very nice, I think you should leave." The Yoga instructor looks him up and down, ponders his options and utters: "Namaste".
...Sorry redditors. You love it.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Freddy Sees A Cute Girl In A Bar...
He stares at her for a few minutes and realizes she is Ronda Rousey. She looks completely different when she is not in her fighting outfit, she is a babe.
After a few drinks he notices that Ronda is by her self, her friends must have went to the powder room. He decides to pick up his balls and talk to her.
He says, "Hi I'm Freddy and I'm sure I can't make you scream".
Ronda looks up and rolls her eyes, "get out of here loser, I'm just trying to have fun."
Freddy responds, "What I meant to say is you are so beautiful that I would like to take you back to my place. I bet I can make you scream before the night is over".
She sizes him up, Freddy isn't too bad looking. So they talk for a little bit, "look I bet I can make you scream before the night is up, just give me a try".
After about an hour of talking Ronda agrees and they head back to his place.
Freddy lights some candles and sets the mood. She lays on the bed and lifts her skirt up a little, "do your worst. But I warn you, if you don't make me scream I'll put you in an arm bar and break your arm".
He takes this as a green light. He jumps on her and immediately stuck it in. He goes at it hard! For about 34 seconds and finishes. He gets off and starts putting on his pants.
Ronda says, "what are you doing?"
Freddy replies, "your welcome".
Ronda yells, "I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR ARM YOU ASSHOLE".
Freddy runs out shouting behind him, "told you I could make you scream before the night was up. And I thought you liked to get things done in 34 seconds!".
Did You Hear About The Tragedy At The Hipster Company's Work Retreat?
There were several hundred casual tees.
A Guy Gets On A Public City Bus...
and sees this beautiful nun sitting in the front. He sits down next to her and they chit chat for a while. While talking to her all he can think about is how beautiful she is and how much he wants to do her.
Finally he builds up the courage to ask her out, to which she refuses. After that the nun gets off.
The bus driver, seeing the guy heart broken leans in and says "hey if you really wanna get it on with that nun, I can help you out, but It's gonna cost you a 100 bucks"
The man, without hesitation, agrees and pays the driver. The driver says "alright that nun visits the town cemetery every night, all you have to do is show up dressed as Jesus and she'll do what ever you say".
The man does exactly what the driver says and sure enough the nun arrives. He pops out in a full Jesus outfit and says "Behold I am your Lord Jesus Christ, lay with me and receive eternal bliss"
They do the nasty behind the gravestone and immediatley after the guy takes the wig off and says "HAH I am the guy from the bus" to which the nun responds " HAH I am the bus driver!"
The Researchers Didn't Want To Give Their Years Of AI Research To A Younger Team.
But eventually, they decided to pass the torch
What's The Difference Between A Dirty Bus Stop And A Lobster With Breast Implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Three Men Are Captured By Cannibals...
The leader of the cannibals orders them to pick out 3 of any fruit they wish from the garden and return to him and tells them that their choice will decide their fate.
As the men begin to return to the leader, the leader informs them that if they can shove all 3 fruit into their own ass without making a sound, they will be allowed to live.
The man that picked apples starts to so but then he suddenly starts laughing like a maniac. Puzzled the leader asks him why?
The man says "at first I was afraid of shoving 3 apples up my ass but then i remembered Dave is out their picking watermelons"
After The Beer Festival, All The Brewery Presidents Decided To Go Out For A Beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
So, This Mob Guy Caught His Wife And His Brother In Bed Together.
It got violent. The judge ruled it a crime of paisan.
Why Did The Duck Cross The Basketball Court?
He heard the referees were blowing fouls...
-Jim Norton
A Rich Guy And A Poor Guy Both Have Wives With Upcoming Birthdays (NSFW)
The rich guy says: “I’m going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday.” Poor guy:”But why?” The rich guy responds: “Well, if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler’s and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?”. Poor guy: “That’s easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Rich guy: “But why?” Poor guy: “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!”
I Got My Family Banned From Playing Family Feud Today.
The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
A Creepy Guy With A Trench Coat Walks Into A Park.
His eyes squint as he looks for his next victim. A smile came to his lips as he saw three old ladies sitting on a bench. Like an unseen predator, he sneaks closer and closer. Once he was close enough, he jumped out and flashed the old ladies.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third one...she couldn't reach that far.
Why Did The Black Man Cross The Road?
Better question is what the FUCK is he doing outside of the cotton field!?
So A Bus Full Of Nuns Die
So sorry if a repost, I'm new at this.
So a bus full of nuns die and they are greeted by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter announces "If anyone has touched a penis please step forward, dip your hands in the Holy water and then you may enter heaven. So the first sister steps forward and dips her right hand in the water and then is allowed to pass through The next nun approaches and dips both hands in and is allowed to enter heaven. Then suddenly from the back a sister comes running and St Peter exclaims "Sister Mary there's plenty of time what's the hurry?" To which Sister Mary replies "Hey if I have to gargle this shit I'm doing it before Sister Patrick sticks her ass in there!"
Emotional Wedding
I went to a wedding last week. It was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
(Credit to pigoletto on the FUNNY subreddit)
Monday, November 16, 2015
Wrong Erection.
went to the doctor for a prostate exam....
while examening me the doctor said;"some men can get an erection during this exam",
i repleyed; "not me"
Doctor;" i wasn't talking about you!"
What's The Difference Between A Large Pizza And A Bass Guitarist?
A large pizza can feed a family of four!
DC Comics To End Production Of Wonder Woman After DEA Claims
They stated the movie would have attracted to many people to a strong form of Heroine.
If I Ever See My Wife Asleep With Her Mouth Wide Open, I Seize The Opportunity. First I Unzip My Pants, Then I Pull Out My Penis...
And then I have sex with her sister.
People Want To Know If The Vice President Will Be Running In 2016
He might, but for now he's just Biden his time.
3 Legged Chickens.
A man was driving down a country lane one day when he looked into a farmer's field and noticed that all of the chickens in the field had 3 legs. He became curious as to why all of the chickens had 3 legs, so he pulled into the farmer's driveway, walked up the house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer came to door, the man said "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was driving by and noticed that all of your chickens have 3 legs. Why?"
"Well", said the farmer, "It's like this. Me, my wife and our son all really enjoy eating chicken and we all prefer the drumstick. So to stop table-side fights over who got the drumstick, I selectively bred all my chickens to have 3 legs, so that we each get a drumstick at dinner time."
"That's amazing!", said the man. "Did the selective breeding change the taste of the chicken at all?"
To which the farmer replied, "I don't know, we can't catch the little bastards!".
What Are The Two Fastest Things In The World?
The second fastest is your asshole snapping shut. The first fastest is that little drop of water...
3 Explorers Are Trecking Through The Jungle...
Where they bump into a tribe and are promptly knocked unconsious and taken prisoner. They awake and find themselfs in an undiscovered tribes village, a guard watching them realises they are awake and tells the chief. They are all taken up infront of a crowd of the tribes people who seem excited and anxious about this whole thing, the chief simply askes the first explorer:
"Death or Booga?"
Not wanting to die and considering that Booga can be no worse than death, the first explorer chooses booga. At this the tribes people go crazy and start cheering, the chief prompty rips of his clothes and rapes the first explorer.
The chief then askes the second explorer "Death or Booga?" Now having seen what will happen to him the second explorer is scared as hell of booga but would rather not die, he also chooses booga, the crowd goes crazy again, cheering and shouting as the chief rapes the second explorer.
Finally the chief gets to the last explorer and askes "Death or Booga?"
Now having seen what had happened to his friends he would rather die and keep his dignity than be raped. So he chooses death. At this the crowd goes even more crazy than before and is getting into a whipped up frenzy. The chief turns to the crowd and proudly announces:
"Death by Booga!"
A Blonde, A Brunette And A Redhead Were Stood On A Hill...
If they lied they would fall down this hill.
The redhead said "I think I'm pretty."
And fell down the hill.
The brunette said "I think I'm clever."
And fell down the hill.
The blonde said "I think."
And fell down the hill.
I Hate It When Homeless People Shake Their Change Cups At Me.
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
A Black Man, A Muslim, And A Communist Walk Into A Bar...
The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"
Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...
Ass.
You've got a donkey. I've got a rooster. Your donkey bites one of the legs off of my rooster. What's the end result?
One foot of my cock up your ass.
10 Facts About You
1.You're reading this
2.You think that's stupid
4.You didn't notice I missed out 3
5.Now your checking it
6.Now you're getting upset
8.You didn't notice I missed out 7
9.Now your checking
10.Your wondering how many times you can fall or the same trick
11.You didn't notice there's only supposed to be 10 facts.
12.There are only 10 facts.
EDIT:Grammar corrections
After I Drink Coffee I Like To Show The Empty Mug To My Friends...
We work in IT and I tell them that I have successfully installed JAVA. They kind-of hate me.
It's A Beautiful Warm Spring Day...
and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes bonkers. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy, pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that could wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Scented Toilet Paper
girlfriend: is this toilet paper scented? Me: I'm not sure; my asshole doesn't smell so good
I Watch Inspiration
Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Lester brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Lester continues "I've put in regional accents for each city."
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Lester. "View recede ten," he says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says the proud inventor.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Lester stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Lester abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," Lester points to the two huge suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station, "Don't forget your batteries."