A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Sunday, January 31, 2016
What's White And Smells Like Brown Poop?
white poop ahhahahhahahaahahahahahahha edit: realized you don't get karma here :C
I Got Slapped
I got slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.
Watermelons
I'm going to break into your house every single night, and leave a watermelon under your bed, just one, every night, and you won't notice me leave it there, but eventually you will notice the watermelons building up under your bed, and first, you'll begin to wonder why? Why are there water melons under my bed? What's going on here? I don't eat fruit, so why would this be here? You'll start creating theories and reasoning to yourself as to why the watermelons are there, you'll lie to yourself just to confirm your illogical explanations as to why there are more and more watermelons under your bed every night. You'll set up cameras to try to find the culprit, and they'll be gone when you wake up. You'll hire an exorcist to cleanse the house of demons and ghosts, you'll hire a rodent killer to clear the entire house out, you'll begin ripping apart the walls of your room to try find out what's going on, you'll try shutting down all the watermelon sales locations in Carlow and the surrounding counties, you'll begin crying every night and laying awake trying to explain this to yourself, shuttering in the cold, trying to find me, and you won't. You'll go crazy, move country, move again, change names, hire a detective who'll go missing, and you'll start screaming every time you see a watermelon. You'll end up in the Alps, sleeping in a cabin on a snowy forest, and it'll have been years since you last saw a watermelon. You'll wake up, have your morning coffee, lay in bed a bit, until you hear something roll out from under your bed. And you'll scream. You'll know why. You'll know why I did it. I did it just so I could break you.
I Sprayed A Spider In My House With Axe, To Try And Kill It.
But now it's name is Chad, and he's fucking my girlfriend...
Two Boll Weevils Grew Up In South Carolina.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils
What's Easier To Unload, A Truck Full Of Bowling Balls Or A Truck Of Babies?
The babies of course, you can use a pitchfork!
New McDonalds Burger
McDonalds announces a new sandwich -
The McJared.....
Its a 40 year old hotdog in a ten year old bun…
Is Your Mother Home?
Voice over Phone:Is your mother home?
Girl: Yes, she is.
Voice: Will you call her to the phone, please?
Girl: Okay, but I’ll have to go down the street to get her.
Voice: I thought you said she was home!
Girl: She is. This is my friend’s house. I live down the street!
TIFU By Getting Caught On That Madison Website
Today my wife caught me on the Dolly Madison website. It was a real Zinger! I tried to tell her I wasn't cheating, I was only looking at the tarts. The buns on there look SO good.
It's not like my fingers were in the pie.
But because I'd been caught with Little Debbie before I'm not sure she'll forgive me.
What Does Jared Fogle Have In Common With The Guy Who Won A $1,000 Gift Card From Chipotle? [NSFW]
Both of their assholes are going to take a pounding in 2015.
I Went For A Prostate Exam The Other Day.
And it didn't go quite as well as I expected. Everything was fine until the doctor said he felt something a bit strange. He brought out his finger and with it, a £10 note.
"That's strange." He said, reaching up again. Lo and behold, out came yet another £10 note. On and on he went, reaching in and pulling out note after note, until we managed amass around £1,500.
"Has anything happened recently that might explain this?" The doctor asked, bewildered.
"Well," I said, "I guess I haven't been feeling too grand."
Murder To English
1.Both of you stand together separately.
2.Will you hang the calender or else I will hang myself.
3.Give me a blue pen of any color.
4.Pick up the paper and fall in dust bin.
5.Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am inside ?
6.All of you stand in straight circles.
7.I have two daughters both are girls.
Courtesy : My Teachers..
Sixth-grade Teacher
Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee. Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, “Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say it nice and clearly, and then spell it out.” “My father’s a baker,” answers Robert. “B-A-K-E-R-R.” “That’s not quite right, Robert. Try again,” chides Mrs. Fisher gently. “B-A . . .” says Robert, thinking hard, “K-E-R.” “Very good. Now, Cecily?” “Doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R,” Cecily says smugly and sits down. “Very good. Herbie?” Herbie stands up and says, “Shipbuilder. S-H-I-T—” “No, Herbie,” interrupts Mrs. Fisher. “Try again.” “Ship . . . builder. S-H-I-T—” “No, no, no. Go to the blackboard and write it out and you’ll see your mistake.” As Herbie heads toward the front of the class, Mrs. Fisher turns to the next child, Lenny, who jumps up and says, “My father’s a bookie. That’s B-double O-K-I-E, and I’ll lay you six to one that that dope puts ‘shit’ on the board.”
Why Did Jared Fogel Have Trouble Having Sex With Twenty Seven Year Olds?
Because there were twenty of them.
My Best Friend Was Talking To Me About Proposing To His Girlfriend.
I'm not sure though, she's not really my type.
A Man Died And Went To Heaven
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "what are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered "those are lie clocks everyone on earth has a lie clock and every time you lie the hands on your clock move." "oh" said the man, "whose clock is that?" "that's mother Teresa's, the hands never move indicating she has never told a lie. "" incredible said the man". He looks around and sees Abe Lincoln clock and St. Peter tells him it had only ever moved twice as he has only told two lies. "so where is harpers clock?" St. Peter answers it's in Jesus office, he is using it as a ceiling fan"
Does Anyone Know The Punchline To This Joke From The Book "straight To Hell"?
“What is orange, burgundy, yellow, blue, violet, candy-apple green, magenta, turquoise, fire-engine red, teal, and ivory . . . and tied up in my backyard?”
Wife's Diaphragm
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "no-oner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Did You Hear About The Construction Worker Who Was Hired To Frame A House?
The guy was taking nails out of his bag and hammering them in to the frame, and the foreman was watching him. Every so often the worker would take a nail out of the bag, look at it, and throw it away.
After a while the foreman comes over and asks why he is throwing away perfectly good nails. He replies, "Some of them have the head on the wrong end."
The foreman takes a deep breath and says, "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"
North Korea Launches Missiles At South Korea
In other news, North Korean missiles take an additional 30 minutes to travel a few miles.
Programmers Wife Tells Him To Go To The Store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there’s milk get three." He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
Two Old Men Sitting On A Park Bench On A Winter's Day.
One said to the other, 'Cold out, isn't it?'. 'Yes', the other replied, I think I'll put mine back in now.'
THAT WOULD SUIT ME
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
How Old Is Your Father? A Teacher Asks A Kid
Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is this possible? Kid: He became father only when I was born. Logic!!
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Fair Young Lady
Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem—how to carry all his purchases. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" ''Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Laurie Fell For Her Handsome New Dentist
Laurie fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, “Laurie, honey, we’ve got to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.” “No way, sweetheart, he’s dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been having it off for six months now and he doesn’t suspect a thing.” “True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth.”
Two Prized Cows
Farmer O’Leary has two prize cows, Daisy and Buttercup.
One day, he borrows the neighbors’ bull and puts it into the field with the cows.
The bull does not show much interest in the cows – seems to be a swami! – and soon Farmer O’Leary gets bored and goes off for his lunch.
That afternoon, Father Fumble, the village priest, comes to the farmhouse for tea, so Farmer O’Leary calls his farmhand, Sean, and tells him to go out to the field and watch the bull. Sean is to let him know if the bull shows any interest in Daisy and Buttercup.
Mrs. O’Leary is just pouring Father Fumble a second cup of tea, when Sean comes bursting into the room and shouts, ”The bull is screwing Daisy!”
Father Fumble almost chokes, and Farmer O’Leary drags Sean angrily into the kitchen.
”Listen here, you idiot!” snaps O’Leary. ”You can’t use language like that in front of the priest! Next time, say something like, ‘The bull has surprised Daisy.’ Now, get back outside!”
Ten minutes later, Sean comes bursting into the room in a high state of excitement.
”Farmer O’Leary!” he stammers. ”The bull, er... the bull’s, ah....!” But he cannot finish his sentence.
”Do you mean,” says O’Leary, with a knowing look, ”that the bull has surprised Buttercup?”
”I’ll say he has surprised Buttercup!” shouts Sean. ”He is screwing Daisy again!
I Saw My Local Theatre Advertising A Night Of XXX Roman Plays...
I thought "ooo, sounds sexy," so I went along, but was disappointed.
It turned out to just be thirty plays.
Paedophiles Always Have A Certain Look About Them...
Paedophiles always have a certain look about them, what is it about a beard and glasses that kids find so sexy?
BABY POWDER
It's after dinner when this guy realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the corner bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.
The bartender offers him a draft on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it along when a gorgeous blonde comes in the door. He looks the other way because he knows he has no time to fool around. She ends up sitting down next to him and starts talking to him.
One thing leads to another and eventually he ends up back at her apartment and they go at it like crazy. The next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. He looks at his watch, wakes up the blonde and asks her if she has any powder.
"Look in the bathroom cabinet," she says.
He dusts his hands liberally with the powder, drives home at 90 mph, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
"So where've you been? she screeches.
"Well, you see, honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful bombshell walked in and we got to talking and drinking and we've been back at her apartment fucking like bunnies..."
"Wait a minute," snaps his wife. "Let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you ever try lying to me again, you rotten skunk - you've been bowling again!"
Jared's Biggest Mistake
Do you know what Jared's biggest mistake was? Losing enough weight to where could actually catch the little fellas
What Do You Call An Annoying Hungarian Person? A Budapest.
Did a quick Google search and couldn't find this joke anywhere. Taking the credit for making it up but someone somewhere must have uttered those words before.
'Hi, We're Prostitutes. Want To Have Some Fun?'"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"
Why Do College Students Enjoy Making Ramen?
(cues Tom Petty) .
.
Because you Don't. .
.
Have. .
.
...to look at a re-ci-peeeeeeee .
don't have to look
at a re-ci-peeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I Don't See Why People Are Surprised About Jared Fogle...
He's been trying to get into smaller pants for years!
A New Missionary Goes To Venezuela
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.
When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.
During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
A Man And A Girl Are Walking Into The Forest At Night...
And the girl looks up to the man and says "Mister I'm scared."
The man looks down to her and replies " You're scared??? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone!"
She Hurried To The Pharmacy To Get Medication,
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
How Do You Tell The Difference Between A Stoat And A Weasel?
A weasel is weasily identified, a stoat is stotally different.
I Bought Some Shoes From A Drug Dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Did You Hear About The Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if their was a dog.
The Farmer And The DEA Agent
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....," as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
This Is A Math Joke
So x2 goes to a x3 and asks, do you believe in god.
For a moment the x3 pauses before responding, you know what, I do believe in higher powers.
Barry Worked At A Coal Mine
One day he was leaving work with a wheelbarrow which had a box on it. The guard, looking at him suspiciously, stopped him and asked, "What's inside that box?"
Barry: "Nothing"
The guard opened the box, saw it was empty and let Barry go.
The next day the same thing happened. This kept going on for about a month, until some day when the guard stopped Barry and said, "Look, Barry. I know you're up to something. I think you're stealing something, but I don't know what. Just tell me what it is that you're doing, and I promise to let you go."
Barry: "Every day I steal a new wheelbarrow. I use the box as a disguise."
Jared Fogel May Not Be Sponsored By Subway Anymore But...
There's an underground train waiting for him in the near future
Subway's Known About Jared Since The Beginning
how else can you explain how they knew he likes to eat fresh.
I'm going to hell for this one.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Bear Warning!
Grizzly Bear Notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
How Do You Tell A Grizzly Bear From An Ordinary Brown Bear?
It can be tricky. Wait until the bear falls asleep. Sneak up on him and slap him on the ass. Then run away and climb up a tree. Now a brown bear will climb the tree and eat you. A grizzly bear will knock down the tree with his claws and eat you.
Son: What Shall I Go As To The Halloween Party, Mum?
Mum: Hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as a fucking idiot, son.
What Is The Difference Between A Crook And A Politician?
A crook will steal before he runs, a politician runs before he steals
So My Younger Sister Walked In On Me And My Girlfriend Having Sex
"Uhh that's gross, what are you doing?" she asked
I answered: "Don't worry it's only natural, I bet you'll be doing it soon as well"
"Really? Why?"
"Because my girlfriend gets tired awfully quick."
A Kid From A Local Tribe Asks His Father "how Do You Choose Our Names?"
A kid from a local tribe asks his father "how do you choose our names?"
To which the father replies "we name them after the first thing we see when we come out of the tent when the kid is born.
For example, when you sister was born, first thing I saw when I came out of the tent was a beautiful sunset behind the mountain. So I named her beautiful sunset behind the mountain.
When your brother was born, first thing I saw when I came out of the tent was an amazing flying flock of birds. So I named him a amazing flying flock of birds"
The son looked sad after hearing this, so the father asked "well, what is troubling you, two dogs shiting behind a tree?"
A Kid Finds A "can Of Peanuts" On His Desk...
courtesy of his father, known to be quite the prankster.
"Very funny dad, not falling for that one again."
...A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.
not my joke, paraphrasing homestuck of mspaint adventures page 1972
NEVER Drive While Under The Influence Of Alcohol...
Or at least wait until your mid 30s when you get good at it
Apparently Subway Has Already Removed Jared's Previous Favorite Type Of Sub From Their Kids Menu, And Have Replaced It With His Soon To Be New NON-optional Selection....
A foot-long BLACK forest ham with no dressing on a smooth white bun(s).....extra mayo....
A Young And Old Bull Are Both Walking Until They Come Upon A Hill....
When they walk to the top of the hill they see a whole group of cows grazing in the meadow. The young bull being eager and excited say to the old bull "Hey let's run down there and screw one of them cows".
The old bull then turns to the young bull slowly and says "or we can walk down there and screw them all".
I'm Sure Jared Will Still Get An Opportunity To Eat Some Of His Favorite Foods, Even While In Prison
Like Black Forest ham footlongs.
There's No Such Thing As A Free School Dinner Is Clearly Bullshit...
One of my homeless acquaintances went into a school with fork and steak knife in hand, and was not only given a free school meal, but he was also offered seconds.
How Many Actors Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
10.
1 to change it and 9 to say they could have done it better.
Moses Talking To A Burning Bush Was Child's Play
...compared to the miracle of getting a hundred thousand Jews to voluntarily go in to the Red sea.
So A Man Receives A Text Message From His Neighbor That Reads As Follows:
Hey, I'm really, really sorry, but I've been taking advantage of your wife. I keep trying to stop, but I just can't help myself, it's just too tempting. I feel horrible, so what do you say that I throw 20 bucks your way and call it even?
Oops, damn auto correct, meant to type WiFi
Jared Fogle Gave A Final Interview Before Heading To Prison...
Still the touting his love for his staple diet of Subway sandwiches he spoke remorsefully about the lack of Subway options in his new home at the federal penitentiary. Fortunately, an astute member of the press, having spoken to Jared's future inmates about having a new celebrity in their ranks, advised Jared that his new friends were looking forward to providing Jared with a daily option of having either a 6" or 12".
A Man Was Walking....
On the way there was a boy struggling to get out of a deep pit.A rope was lying nearby , but he continued walking. After some time he met another boy who had the same fate but didn't helped him either . He continued walking and after some time he himself fell into a pit. He waited for someone to help him .But no one did . What do you understand by this ?
Blind men get no help..
What Did Pink Panther Say When He Stepped On An Ant?
Dead Ant, Dead Ant....Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant...
Thursday, January 28, 2016
A Very Old Couple Is Getting Ready For Bed
The man goes to the bathroom. His wife asks him: "What are you doing?". He replied: "Brushing my teeth". She asks him: "Can you please brush mine too?"
Sorry grandma!!
I'm Going To Major In Philosophy When I Go To College...
...so one day I can ask 'Why do you want fries with that?'
Doctor Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, “doctor doctor, my whole body is hurting. Where ever I touch myself I am in lots of pain”. So the doctor asks the man to show him what he means. The man pokes his knee with his finger and screams out in pain, he then pokes his elbow with the same finger and screams out in pain, he then follows to touch his leg, his head and his foot each time screaming in pain. The doctor asks the man to stop as he has seen enough. “I know what is wrong with you sir” says the doctor, “you finger is broken”.
Gf Just Passed Her Driving Test
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
She slowly started unziping my flies.
A Spot For Head Of A Charity Helping Obese Children Just Opened Up.
.....I hear they have a great surveillance system.
Doctor! Doctor! I Think I Have Barry Manilow's Disease!
"What are your symptoms?"
"I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"
They Say A Woman Knows After 7 Seconds Whether Or Not She Wants To Have Sex...
Good thing I only last 5.
Looks Like Subway Finally Has A Good Excuse For Their Footlongs Being Less Than 12 Inches
Anything under 12 is better for Jared.
Three Nuns Go To The Head Priest So They May Confess Their Sins.
The priest asks the first nun to share her sins. She replies, "Well father, I have stayed out past curfew every night this past week. I am deeply sorry."
He replies, "You are forgiven. Drink some holy water and pray a rosary, and God will absolve you of your sins."
Next, the second nun comes forward. She confesses: "Father, I have been skipping the daily morning prayer in the chapel. I am also sorry."
He once again replies: "You are also forgiven. Drink some holy water and pray a rosary, and God will absolve you of your sins."
At this point the third nun bursts out laughing. The Head Priest looks over in disbelief and asks, "And why, sister, are you laughing so excessively?"
She looks up and whispers, "Because I peed in the holy water."
A Man Is Vacationing In Thailand...
...and is currently staying in Bangkok. Wanting to have a different experience than most tourists, he decides to go off the beaten trail and explore the culture. During his exploring he manages to find an odd looking building. This looks interesting, he thinks, so he enters. There he is suddenly approached by an old man, who asks what he's doing here?
"Oh?" says the man. "I just want to know what this poky little place is for."
"Actually," says the old man, "you've come at a good time. This is a commune holding a small religious community and we're looking to grow our numbers."
"I'm afraid I'm not interested."
"Well, perhaps you can stay until night and see what it's like," the old man suggests."
Now the tourists is suspicious that this old man might have criminal purposes, and considers leaving. But as soon as the thought enters his mind, he remembers his commitment to truly experience Southeast Asian culture, off the beaten path, more immersed than other tourists. I'm not afraid of a little risk, the tourist thinks to himself.
"I think I will stay for a while," the tourist says, to the old man's happiness. The old man, after saying some words of thanks, leads the tourist to a table.
"Let me tell you about our little commune," says the old man. "You see, we that originally had our roots in America. We're taking it upon ourselves to bring Jesus' millennial kingdom ourselves. Other Christians are all deluded. You see, Jesus really returned during..."
And the old man continues on like this, and the tourist begins to grow bored. Sensing this, the old man suddenly changes topic.
"Young man," he says, "let me tell you something special about our religious commune. We don't believe in marriage. We're freer than that. We let men and women sleep with whomever they please."
"Some sort of prostitution thing?"
"Oh heavens no, we don't believe in money. Everything is a free choice."
"Oh really?" asks the tourist, who is starting to think that his risk-taking will pay dividends. "Can I see some of the others, then?"
"Of course!" says the old man, and he calls out some names. In a short while three beautiful women appear at the end of the room.
"Oh my," says the tourist.
"Indeed," says the old man, "we don't believe in marriage. Ladies, please escort this young man to the guest room."
And the women, giggling, surround the tourist and take him upstairs toward a large room with a bed in the middle. Hardly believing his luck, the tourist quickly strips down. But then the women start to laugh.
"Oh, wait, you don't understand!" cries the tourist. "It's just cold in here!" But the women are laughing harder now.
"Whatever!" cries the tourist, "you probably all have nasty STDs anyway!" He quickly pulls his pants back up over his incredibly embarrassing erection. Tears appear in his eyes. The women are in hysterics. Humiliated, the tourist runs out of the room, downstairs, past the old man, and out the door, harshly regretting his decision to go off the beaten path.
"Well," chuckles the old man to himself. "Looks like Oneida Bangkok makes a hard man humble."
Ancient Soviet Joke
Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.
Yellow Yams
An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Jared Ended His Career At Subway The Same Way He Started It... (part 2)
Enamored by 7 year old meat and buns.
This Is My Favorite Least Offensive Offensive Joke
Which football player gets the most wedgies? The tight ends.
A Cheers For Women's Underwear...
...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Jesus Went Into An Inn.
He handed the innkeeper 3 nails and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"
There Are Two Types Of People In This World.
People who pee in the shower and people who lie about it.
A Pirate Captain Sees An Enemy Ship Approaching...
As the ship gets closer he yells to the deckhand. "Deckhand, get me me favorite red shirt from the bunkhouse." The deckhand retrieves the shirt and gives it to the captain. The battle is short-lived, and the captain's crew prevails. A week later, two enemy ships approach. As the ships get closer the captain once again yells to his deckhand, "Deckhand, get me me favorite red shirt." The deckhand retrieves the shirt. Though the crew suffers some casualties, they once again prevail in the battle. Later that evening the deckhand asks the captain, "Why do you always have me bring you your red shirt before battle?". The captain replies, "I wear a red shirt so that the men will not lose faith if I am injured for the red shirt will mask the wound." The next morning 10 enemy ships approach and the captain yells, "Deckhand, get me me finest pair of brown pants!"
Worst You Ever Been Hurt
A bunch of good ol' boys are sitting in a diner telling stories about their worst injuries ever when ol' Curtis scrootches a chair over and says, "Well, the SECOND worst I ever got hurt was when I was huntin' one fall and the call o' nature came upon me. As I pulled down my overhauls and squatted, my nut sack triggered a bear trap that was chained there under some leaves and it snapped ahold of my jake!" The whole table of fellas jumped back and let out a collective, "Ooooo!" Finally, one of them says, "Jeez, Curt! What was the WORST you ever been hurt, then?" Curtis leans in and says, "Well, the sound o' that trap scurred me, and I lit out a runnin'. And when I got to the end o' that chain..."
/r/jokes
http://i.imgur.com/i9mD9jZ.gifv I don't remember what that link is, used this cuz reddit says I need text here to post.
Breaking News:Will.i.am Has Eye Removed.
Now he's just Will Am (I'm sorry it only works in speech form)
[NSFW] Whats The Worst Thing About...?
....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
Yet another Australian pub joke
The Mexican Magician
There was a Mexican magician who could make anything disappear. One skeptical man wanted to see him do a trick so the Mahican said I will make you disappear on the count of 3.... Uno.. Dos... Then POOFF gone without a tres.
A Couple Orders A Pie At A Luxury Restaurant
The husband eats 4/7 of the pie and the wife the rest. He paid 4.5$ more than her. How much did the pie cost?
Answer in comments
What's The Difference Between An Atheist And A Black Guy?
Atheists are stereotyped as being giant dicks. Black guys are stereotyped as having giant dicks.
Recived A Call From The Morgue...
Saying my wife had passed due to a major contusion to the head. The Doctor asked what happened.
Well I was on the tee and my wife decided to set up her ball at the same time. I swung harder than ever and really drove the ball, unfortunately the ball hit my wife in the head so hard that she fell dead and I lost my ball.
The Dr replied, I see, but what I don't understand is the ball in her ass...
Oh, that was my mulligan...
N.W.A.
i was straight outta chocolate syrup and very upset so i nicked some from my roommate. i am a nicker with attitude
A Blonde Walked Into A Shoe Shop And Saw A Pair Of Shoes Made From Alligator Skin That She Liked.
“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.
“$200″ – he replied.
“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.
“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
I Made A Huge Mistake
I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
TIL That There Is An Exotic Instrument Only Select Children Can Master.
Apparently the Fogle Fiddle has been around since 1977, who knew?
Jared From Subway
You know, if Jared from Subway goes to prison, he is still going to have an unlimited amount of foot longs.
It's A Good Thing Jared Fogle Like Footlongs
Because he'll be eating one everyday while he's in prison!!
Fender-bender In The Morning
I got into a fender-bender on the way into work this morning. We got out of our cars, and I saw immediately that the other driver was very short. I stupidly said, "You're a midget!"
He said, "I'm a dwarf, and I'm not happy."
I asked, "Well, which one are you then?"
Hello R/jokes, Please Help Me Reword This Joke?
Hi there
My partner's dad passed away, and I'm giving a small speech for him at his memorial. His favorite joke is below and I'm going to use it, but I'm struggling to deliver it as well as he did. Can you help with delivery tips, or reword it for me?
The joke: A farmer has 3 sons and they fight over the chicken legs, each wanting one. So to satisfy all 3 sons the farmer comes up with this rare breed of chicken that has 3 legs…
Well, are you going to ask how they liked it? They couldn’t catch it because it ran too fast with 3 legs!
An Old Joke From East Germany
A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing unavailable is red ink."
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Four Dads Go Out To Dinner...
After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he's going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension.
"I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could've asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a chain restaurant, he was a real loser, but he's gone to school and worked his way up the food chain to become CEO! He's got so much money and he's so successful that he bought his best friend a new Mercedes-Benz."
One dad is amazed, but the other is not impressed. "That's nothing!" he says. "My son is even better than yours. He started out flying remote control planes in the park, and now he owns an airline and flies hundreds of thousands of guests across the Earth! He bought his best friend a new private jet for his birthday."
The third dad has had it. "Your sons are both losers! My son is an architect. He started out designing mailboxes for our neighbors, and now he owns his own architectural company that designs mansions for music stars. He was able to casually build a 300,000 square foot home for his best friend."
At this point, the fourth dad returns from the restroom. "Sorry I was gone so long, what have you all been talking about?" All the dads respond at once: "We've been talking about how great our sons are!!"
The fourth dad hangs his head. "Damn. My son is a total reject. We've given up hope on him." "What could be so bad?" asks one dad.
"You see," says the fourth dad, "my son is a male stripper." All the dads gasp. "Yeah, yeah, I know. However, my kid's doing well for himself. His three best clients bought him a new car, a private jet, and a mansion!!!"
What Do Jared Fogle And His Subway Sandwiches Have In Common?
They both have 40 year old meat between 8 year old buns.
American And Japanese Joke
An American, Japanese, and an Indian were sitting together. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand. " The Indian felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Indian explained, "I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted.
This Is Meant To Be
I really think that there is something that is doomed to happen. I met my present bf before I refused those who may have a better financial condition than him. I set many rules for my future bf before I met my current one. I used to promise myself that I will not find a boy who will smoke, drink and have me share the house loan with. But after I met him, every rule I set has been disobeyed. The day I met him, he just wore a suit which made him shining in front me, at that moment I had a feeling for him. You see, to truly love a person, the disciplines you have made will not really matter. So I call it a doomed relationship.
An American Bartender, An African Bartender And An Asian Bartender Walk Into A Bar.
And they start working right away. Damn, what a busy night.(:
New Girlfriend (48)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Brooklyn, because I just added the song "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
What's The Difference Between Jared From Subway's Gut And His Junk?
He prefers his gut when it's down 45 pounds, and his junk when it's up 45 pounds.
Gutenhogh Thought He Wrote The Greatest Screen Play Of All Time.
So he decided go to Hollywood to try to sell it and make his name as a writer.
Every big studio rejected his story, and thought it didn't have an edge.
He finally convinced an independent filmmaker to make the screen play into a feature. Half way through filming, the director was unsatifisfied with the story, and decided to change up the screen play. Gutenhogh, agreed to let the director re-write the screenplay.
Later that week director presented the new screenplay to Gutenhogh, and sat nervously.
Gutenhogh read a all the pages and threw the script in the trash, and exclaimed, "This is terrible" "You din't know how to write." "Now you go and film MY movie, leave Gutenhogh alone!"
Why Are Subway And Jared No Longer Together?
Because Subway has been around longer than 17 years and Jared lost interest.
A Chinese Man Goes To The Eye Doctor
A Chinese guy goes to an eye doctor and the doctor says, "I know why you've been having trouble. you have a cataract." and the Chinese guy says, "No I drive a rincon continental,"
A Mexican Book Store.
I was walking around downtown the other day when I noticed a new shop. It was called Mexican Books and Souvenirs. Curiosity got the better of me as I had never been in a Mexican book store. The clerk eyed me up and down for a while. I don't think I was his typical clientele. He then asked if I needed any help. I asked him if he had Donald Trump's book on immigration reform and how to keep the Mexicans out of the U.S. He said "Fuck off. Get out and stay out." I said "that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Playing With My Computer
So, one of my friends at school was talking about how 98% of men "play with their right hand". Right after that another one of my friends says "I play with my computer" and we were laughing so hard. The teacher was even wondering what was going on, later in the week I was in a Skype call with him and I referenced it, he then said:
Alienware is a good partner.
I'll Refrain From Making Any Jokes About The Ashley Madison Controversy...
They're such an easy target, it might be considered cheating.
I Hate When Multiple People Are Pregnant And Someone Says Something Like, I Guess Theres Something In The Water...
If that’s true, it’s semen, and they aren’t drinking it, and neither am I.
So I Was Walking Through Chicago And I Saw There Was A "Muslim Bookstore"
I was wondering what exactly is in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if I needed help.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Surgeon's Joke.
There used to be a rule that in order to get into anesthesia, applicants had to have an IQ greater than their body temp. For a while they couldn't get any new anesthesia trainees because nobody would pass.
Then they decided to switch from farenheit to celsius, and now there's a lot of them.
Back Together
Me: After all the shit between them I really can not believe they are back together.
You: Who?
Me: My ass cheeks
People Often Complain And Belittle Alternative Religious Organizations Like Atheism And Scientology...
but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I Remembered My Favourite Joke About Islam Last Night And I Had A Giggle, So I'm Gonna Share It:
A Christian man and his wife were driving through a known Muslim country that had ISIS activity throughout it. They weren't happy, but they had to get through the country to get somewhere. So they're driving along and suddenly they're stopped by a group of people they can immediately identify as members of ISIS- they have outwardly Muslim appearance and are carrying large guns. After shouting at the man in Arabic, one of them addresses him in English:
"You! Are you Muslim? Are you with Allah?"
The husband panics and agrees- "Yes! I am a good Muslim man! Please, let me pass!"
The ISIS members wave them on, and they continue driving. The wife freaks out, and says,
"Are you kidding! We don't know anything about Islam or the Qur'an! What if they'd asked us about it, we would have been caught out immediately!"
The husband laughs and says, "Dear, if they'd read the Qur'an, they wouldn't be in ISIS!"
A Young Family Moved Into A House, Next To A Vacant Lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. I learned a lot from them."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Hey Did You Guys Hear About Jared From Subway?
Apparently he prefers way less than the standard 6-inches...
Req: I Need Jokes About Being Cheap.
I Bartend at a jazz club that hosts an open mic night for amateur comedians once a month. My boss/the owner is the cheapest scum bag I've ever met. He will not pay people their pay checks for months. And then still only give half of it.
He'll pay the kitchen staff $5 an hour off the books when they're supposed to get $9 and be on the books for benefits. They all work over 40 hours a week so he gets around overtime pay by keeping them off the books.
I've found a new job already, so my plan is to roast him in front of everyone for being so cheap and embarass him so hard he fires me.
Ill video tape it and the most up voted jokes will be used. Then I'll post the video and give credit to each user in my youtube video. Thanks!
A Rabbi In The Confessional Booth
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:" How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
The Ugly Baby
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
The "Blade Runner" Pistorious Loses Chance At House Arrest
Apparently, the deal-breaker was how he was going to wear the ankle monitor.
A Man In A Job Interview.
Interviewer: "This job requires you to know Powerpoint, how skilled are you with the program"
Man: "Well, I Excel in Powerpoint"
Interviewer: "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?"
Man: "Word."
A Pun-heavy Joke For Graphic Designers
Have You Heard The New Jingle For Subway?
Five... five toddlers... five toddlers, touched dongs... pedo pedo pedo!
Two Jokes: First - Why Does Little Stevie Keep Falling Off The Swing?
Because Stevie has no arms.
Okay, so... Knock knock.
(You say "who's there".)
Not Stevie...
I Just Read A Story Of A Female Teacher In My Home State Who Got A 10 Year Jail Sentence For Sleeping With A 15 Year Old Student.
She's being made an example of, not because the crime was so bad, but because her other students felt the emotional scar of being neglected.
The Procession.
Jim was outside raking leaves when he saw a funeral procession coming up the street. In front was a man walking a large dog, followed by two hearses, and after the hearses came a long line of men.
Assuming it was two very famous people who had died Jim ran up to the man walking the dog and asked "What happened?!?!?"
"Oh my wife and mother-in-law died."
Jim, still thinking they were famous tried to pry a little further.
"Oh my god, what happened to your mother?"
"My dog Gus here bit her and she died."
"That's HORRIBLE, and your mother-in-law??!??!?"
"Gus bit her, then she died to."
Jim looked at the dog, then back at his house.
"Do you think I could borrow Gus next weekend?"
"Get in line" said the man who pointed back to the long line of men that stretched off into the distance.
So This Penguin Is On Vacation
in Florida and he is driving around when suddenly his car starts slowing down and sputtering, so he pushes it a bit more and makes it to a repair shop. The mechanic goes over, takes a look and says that the car will be ready in a few hours. He suggests that since the penguin is a tourist he should check out the beach since it is only a short walk away. So the penguin takes his advice and walks to the beach. However when he gets there it is so hot that he decides to get a vanilla ice cream. But since it is so hot and the ice cream is melting, he gets some all over his face and his hands. After finishing his ice cream he heads back to the repair shop to get his car. Upon his arrival the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replies, "What? No that's just ice cream".
Three Men Are Lost In The Woods
and they grow very hungry. After sitting around listening to their tummies rumble the first man gets up on his feet and says "That's it! I'm going out there and getting us some food!"
After an hour he comes back with a dead rabbit in his hands.
"Holy cow!" the other two say, "How'd you find that rabbit!"
"Well, I followed the tracks and found a rabbit" the first man explained.
The next day the second man goes out to fetch the trio some grub. Three hours later he returns dragging a deer behind him.
"Wowzers!" the other two exclaim, "How'd you find that deer?"
"Well, I followed the tracks and found a deer" the second man explained.
The next day the third man goes out in hopes of providing a meal for himself and his friends. He is gone for half of the day and the other two begin to worry. Eventually the third man returns empty handed, and he is bleeding pretty bad.
"Woah man, what happened?" The other two ask.
"Well, I followed the tracks and I found a train."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees A Sign That Reads.....
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
What's The Difference Between Jared From Subway And A Lemonade Stand?
You don't give a little girl $800 for lemonade.
One From My Dad
This happened last night as I was heading out before a tinder date looking all magic Mike.
"Son, I'll bet you anything I know where you got your shoes."
I brought these new kicks last week from a store that just opened. He has no chance. "Are you sure?" I said all excited.
"Yes! Here!" He pulls out a hundred dollar bill and places it on the table in front of me. "My hundred to your $10, we got a deal?"
"Of course!" I said. This is going to be a free night out.
"Put your $10 on the table then son"
Never have I ripped out a ten dollar note faster.
"I'll tell you where you got your shoes..... On your feet"
-_-
How Many Freudian Analysts Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
- One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis---ladder!! I meant ladder...
Nurse Joke (NSFW)
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
Russian Standard Is A Vodka
and American Standard is a toilet.
Russians are all drunks and Americans are all full of shit.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Boudreaux And Thibodeaux Find A Well
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were walking through the woods one day when they come across a well.
Boudreaux said, "ey thiboudeaux how deep you tink dis well be." Thiboudeaux replies "I donno dere boudreaux les fine out."
So the two begin throwing things down the well and cannot hear or see the things hitting the bottom. Then boudreaux spots an old train tire laying near the bushes.
"Hey thibodeaux I gots me an idere help me move dis here train tir"
So they throw the train tire down the well not two seconds later a goat runs out from the bushes straight for them then jumps in the well.
"WHOA! Boudreaux you see dat crazy goat?"
Before Boudreaux can respond there buddy Monroe walks from the bushes "hey did you fellas happen to see ma goat?"
Boudreaux says "I don know if we saw your goat but we jus saw a goat jus jump into dat well."
Monroe replies "Oh well that couldn't have been my goat. My goat is tied to a train tire on a 20 foot leash."
Mommy...can I Pee In...??
The mother of a 5 year old boy ring bearer is getting married today with her 7 years boyfriend Dick in a church full of friends and relatives. Right after the boy handed the ring to his mom, the boy asked his mom politely.
"Mommy, I need to pee pee."
The mother responded, "ok honey, just a few more minutes and we are done."
5 minutes later and still not done....the little boy asked again,
"Mommy, i can't hold it any longer, can I pee in the corner?"
The mother got a bit irritated at the son and raised the voice a bit, "NO! peeing in the corner is not right!"
Some of the relatives and friends mumbles in the background because feeling sorry for the boy because he's just a kid.
Then out of nowhere, the little boy asks his mom again, "Mommy, then can you open your mouth and let me pee in it?"
The mom and some of the friends and relatives gasps over what the boy asked. The mom quickly responded.
"Of course NO! that's gross."
Seconds later, the boy asks, "but how come Dick get to pee in your mouth?"
then the rest is a dead silence....
Meanwhile, At Hooters
Jesus, Muhammad, and the elephant-headed Hindu god of good fortune, Ganesha, go into a Hooters. God is there and asks them why they are at a Hooters.
Stammering, almost in unison, they reply "Well, we just came here for the Buffalo wings."
"Oh yeah?" says God, "Then why do you keep staring at my tits?"
"I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud, That Floats On High O'er Vales And Hills, When All At Once, I Heard A Shout....."
".......Get off my fucking daffodils!!"
Original
A Tranny And A Jew Walk Into A Bar
the mexican says"wha the deal with cars these days" jews says "i don;t know what you talking about" mecian say "I need my oil changed and it cost so much oney" jew saays "I did this once" mexican stunned jew says "When i was birthed i feel my weriner grabed, told doctorr i need a mohel change"
A Man Goes To Pick Up His Pictures
Feeling a bit sheepish as he knew some were explicit. He walks up to he attendant who asks him "OK your pictures are ready. Would you like the negatives" the man quietly says yes. "OK your wife's tits are sagging and she's got a big ass"
A Penguin Walks Into A Shop...
A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?' 'No,' he replies. The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies: 'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!' Next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?' 'No,' replies the assistant. 'Got any grapes?' the penguin asks.
Did You Hear The Fresno Library Is Sinking?
Yeah, because they keep pumping the water out from underneath it.
Isn't This Whole Ashley Madison Hack Exactly What Their Users Wanted?
To get fucked by a third party?
I Am Shocked That Anyone Is Surprised By Jared Fogel Pleading Guilty...
He always stated that he had to have the freshest ingredients.
I'm Starting An A Capella Group With Five Other Ill Tempered Pedophiles.
We're called Six Dicks in A Minor.
What Did The Community Do When There Was An Injustice Involving Law Enforcement?
Black people took to the streets.
White people took it to Reddit and complained about how nobody is doing anything about it.
An Old Timer's Joke.
An old man is living by himself and asks his grandchildren to visit because he is close to Death. This old man lives in a different state, so they all have to take a plane to get to him. When they all arrive at his apartment, they can't find their grandfather. They look this way and that way, but each room is empty. All of a sudden they hear a voice scream from the pantry, "Get the hell away from me." All of them run to the pantry, slide the door open, and there is their grandpa. Turns out he had done too much acid, and literally thought Death was in his house.
Silly old people.
I Was Told That Tipping Your Server Is Normal In America
I was told that tipping your server is normal in America
But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.
I Got Bored Studying For The LSAT, So I Wrote A Humorously Dark Test Question.
An actor and a director are having a conversation:
Director: In action movies, actors should actually shoot each other. Guns and bullets are cheaper and provide more realistic effects than editing and green screens.
Actor: Not so fast. Requiring actors to shoot each other on set would involve gravely wounding and even killing actors.
Which of the following is a flaw in the actor's argument?
(A) The actor assumes, without providing justification, that actors' well-being is more important than saving money.
(B) The actor attacks the director instead of her argument.
(C) Given her occupation, the actor is clearly biased and her argument should be ignored.
(D) The consequences of the director's suggestion, outlined by the actor, are exaggerated.
The answer is (A), by the way.
Why Do Adults Like Legos So Much, When They Grow Old?
They can't lego of their childhood.
Tell some more Lego puns, here!
I Think We Should Solve World Hunger.
You might say I'm a strong believer in world peas.
I'll see myself out...
What's The Difference Between In-n-Out Burger French Fries And League Of Legends?
I can control my salt intake at In-n-out.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Won't Do That Again
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
My Mate Asked Me Why I Have Sex Noises Saved On My Ipod.
"I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
"He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
"I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."
Did You Hear That Jared From Subway Got Arrested For Kiddie Porn?
He just wanted to get into smaller pants.
Two Crazy Men
Two men planned to run away from the psychiatric hospital. They started planning and agreed that they will go to the gate, beat up the watchman, open the gate and run away.
When they reached the gate, the watchman was not there and the gate was wide open. They turned to each other and said, "Shit! our plan has failed, lets go back, we will try again tomorrow."
A Man Was Feeling Frisky, So He Went To The Local Brothel.
When he got there he saw a prostitute that was only $5 he thought what the hell it's only 5 bucks, so he goes in the room, has sex with the prostitute, and heads back home.
The next day he wakes up and realizes he now has crabs. Furious, he goes back to the brothel and finds the prostitute and yells "hey! You gave me crabs!" To which the prostitute responds "well yeah what were you expecting for $5? Lobster?"
Scientists Just Discovered A Food That Diminishes A Woman's Sex Drive By 90%...
it's called 'wedding cake'
Rearrange The Letters PNEIS Into The Name Of An Important Human Body Part That Is Most Useful When Erect...
...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.
A Joke From My "best" Friend Marty Funkhouser
A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.
Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.
So she does.
They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow. It says -: “My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.
Your loving husband, Harry.
PS. Your cunt is in the sink.
How Do You Turn A Washing Machine Into A Snow Plow?
Give the bitch a shovel.
For the ladies so they don't hate me (as much)
What did god say when he created men?
"Aw shit I can do better than this" and created women
My Son Asked Me Where Babies Come From
"They come out of mommy's belly" I said
He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"
"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied
"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"
Buying Condoms
I was out late at a supermarket looking for a box of condoms. I'm browsing the various available shapes, sizes, flavors or whatever. At the end of the aisle I spot this abnormally large box. I walk over to it and see on the side panel pictures of what's inside, and there were numerous sizes and shapes - which I thought was really weird until I read the front of the box. It was just a Family Pack.
A 2007 Study Showed That For High School Students Graduating In The US, 4/3 Did Not Know How To Properly Use Fractions.
It might be an outdated study though.
What's The Difference Between Super Man And Spider Man ?
Super Man wears his underwear over his pants..
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME ;)
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''
I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
A seal walks into a club...
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
A Farmer Borrows A Hummer
A sad farmer stares at his broken truck, and clueless cockerel, knowing he will never make it to the chicken contest he starts walking back into his house. Suddenly his son pulls up in the driveway, bringing his huge, bright yellow hummer to a stop, after he turns off the deafening music, he's explained by his father the situation. The son kindly offers his Hummer so he can get to the chicken contest. Without hesitation, the farmer jumps in the hummer, with the chicken in the back and speeds to the contest, passing every red light and cutting past every car in front of him, helping himself to the rest of his son's "Mountain Dew", and hearing the wakeboards and surfboards banging against the roof of the car. He arrives, but only to find out that his cock has disappeared.
How Many People Does It Take To Tell A Joke On Reddit?
Two. One to post the joke and one to post a better punchline in the comments.
PMS Titties
Q: Why do girls boobs get bigger when they are about to start their period (PMSing)
A: That's the only thing that will make us put up with them for that week of hell
So A Lot Of People Hate Feminists, And A Lot Of People Hate Cops
But to the credit of feminists, their triggers have never been directly responsible for killing someone
What Does A Pick-up Artist Have In Common With A Kidnapper?
They both want to get you in the sack!
.......I'll see myself out now
Friday, January 22, 2016
Very Few People Can Brag About Getting A Handjob From Their Barber After A Haircut Nowadays.
Then again, very few people cut their own hair.
Two Aerials Meet On A Roof Fall In Love Get Married.
The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
My Dad Always Worked Really Hard To Be Able To Put Dinner On The Table For His Family.
And still my Mam moaned because he couldn't afford to buy plates.
That table was ruined.
A Lady Stood In Line In A Grocery Shop
She put the grocery on the table 1egg 1milk 1bred 1banana 1avocado 1soda 1bag of chips 1toothpaste 1ice 1bagofdicks 1orange 1gum 1cucumber
The man at the counter is looking at the groceries and then at the woman and mumbles: Ohh so you are single!?
The women answer a bit shy: yes, how did you figure that out?
The man who already packed the groceries in a bag looks at her as he hands over the bag and say:
Because you are fucking ugly
A Very Touching Story
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Edit: Formatting
C'mon On Reddit..let The Jared Fogle Jokes Begin. I'll Start. What Was Jareds' Favorite Sandwich
Teenie Breast and Black Forest Cams on two-inch white. Kinda lame but just want to get the party started.
THE FIGHT STARTED !!
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said Rs.250.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She tookit home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Mohit came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Mohit."
... AND THEN ..
The Narcissistic Cannibal Started To Eat His Own Body But Stopped
because he was already full of himself
Why Are Pregnant Women Given Priority On Public Transport?
Why are pregnant women given priority on public transport?
How do we know their child won’t be an asshole?
An asshole who won’t give up their seat to a pregnant woman.
What an asshole that person would be.
I’m not taking that risk.
I Made 2 Eggs This Morning And My Son Ate More Than Half. How Many Eggs Did He Eat?
How the hell should I know?! I'm not a scientist!
I Just Found Out That August Is National Masturbation Month.
I thought it was the month before. And the month before that. And the month before that. And the month before that...
Why Are League Of Legends Players The Most Skeptical People On Earth?
Because they take everything with a grain of salt.
[nsfw] Totally Legit, But You Can Use A Joke If You Want To.
Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night.
Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow.
Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation.
Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned.
Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"...
..Silence...
...An embarrassed scream.
...And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible.
I nearly pissed myself laughing.
My Mate Asked Me Why I Had Sex Noises Saved On My IPod...
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex".
He asked, "Ah, is the wife a bit quiet in the bedroom?"
"No," I replied, "I work in a morgue."
It Was His First Day In Prison...
It was his first day in prison. He was led to his cell and the door was closed and locked behind him.
He looked up at the top bunk to see his cell mate for the first time; a big fella.
His cell mate said, "Right, it's your first night. We've got a little role-playing game we like to play with the new inmates to get them acclimated. It's kind of like playing 'family'. So, do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"
Thinking carefully about what would be the safest role to choose, he hesitantly said, "Daddy..."
"Right then," said the big guy, "come and suck on mommy's dick."
Why Does The Little Mermaid Wear Sea Shells?
Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
A Young Boy Came Up To His Mother Crying, When His Mother Asked Him What Was Wrong,
He said, "I went to Jared"
What Was The Most Successful Love Story In Game Of Thrones?
Shireen. She was only on Tinder for a couple of minutes.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
True Story...
My 4 year old nephew and his family came to visit the other day. He was carrying a bag of chips and asked if I wanted some. I told him, "No, those are bad for you."
He looked at me so confused and then asked, "Why?" I told him they would make him fat and if he ever wanted to be strong he would have to eat more healthy food and less junk food.
He looked confused again and with the bag still in his hand asked me to pick him up, which I did. He looked at me while putting another chip in his mouth and said, "But you're strong."
I Wrote These Jokes.
Why did the Aztec throw the virgin into the volcano?
Because it wanted to feel hot.
Why does the Bagel have a hole in it?
Because a Jew loves to sell you something with nothing in it.
Why does a Catholic kneel at church? Because the priest can’t stand people being taller than him.
How many Muslims can you fit in a room?
Enough to pay the rent.
Where do the Franciscans get their robes from?
The 1400’s
What does it take for a Celebrity to fit in?
A Room full of Celebrities.
What does it take for a rapper to put the mic down?
An Alien Invasion
What did the north pole say to the south pole?
I don’t think the Germans will find us here.
What did the Internet say to America Online?
Thanks for the Roof.
Why are there only four bases in baseball?
Because playing the pentagon takes too long.
What did the president say to the vice president?
You know why I make certain you have it better than me.
What did the taxi driver say in the back of an uber car?
Kids these days.
What did Google say to Bing?
Don’t get me started on Bing.
What did Bing say to DuckDuckGo?
It ain bad playing skins is it?
What did the Gooey Duck say to the GUI Interface?
I have a copyright claim.
What did Ebay say to Etsy?
First.
What did Mozilla say to the United States?
No phone for you.
What Sergey Brin say to Vladmir Putin?
The plan worked.
What did the prom court say to Mark Zuckerberg?
Nice!
Did You Know You Can Tell The Gender Of An Ant By Throwing It In Water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Woman Hit By Train
Whats a train doing in a kitchen?
(Sexist but creative, not meant to offend anyone.)
My Point Exactly.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I Told My Friends I'm Going On A Date With A Cute Girl.
They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.
Father Was Feeding His Little Kid
"Eat this egg so that you become taller", said the father
"No. I don't want it!", replied the kid
"Eat it, so that you grow up and become a strong man", continued the father
"I don't want it.", replied the kid angrily
The father then said, "Eat it, so that your penis gets bigger"
Then, the mother shouted from the kitchen, "Honey, you eat the egg. I'll just make the kid some soup"
Little Girl Helps Mom Deliver Her Baby Brother.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, Smack his ass again!"
Three Men Go Fight Lions In Africa.
There are 3 men. A German, A Chinese man, and a Czechoslovakian. They go to the plains of Africa to fight the Lions and slay them. Things are going well until a large pack comes into their territory. Boom a wild fight breaks out amusing them all. It didn't go to well for the men as they all got eaten up by the lions. A few days later the children of the 3 men come to Africa to avenge their fathers. They know and see the pack that got their dads. They hunt them down killing a male and female lion. They cut open the female and discover the German and Chinese man. They are still confused where the Czechoslovakian man had ended up. After thinking and thinking it finally hits one of the children. BOOM* "The Czech is in the Male!" shouted the Chinese son.
Subway Made A Change In Their Policy Today....
They banned employees from asking if customers want 6 or 12 inches with their kid's meals.
Three Men And The Devil.
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, “You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”