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Monday, February 29, 2016
Top 10 Jokes Of The Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2015
The 10 funniest jokes from the 2015 Edinburgh fringe festival
Some of them have already been posted in here (luckily, mostly sourced) but I thought people may like to see the rest of the list.
What Do You Call It When A Car Tailgates You, Then Speeds Past You On A Double-solid Line Only To Be Immediately Pulled Over By A State Trooper?
Instant Car-ma!
I'll see myself out
But seriously though that just happened to me.
I Just Deleted All The German Names Off My Phone.
It's Hans free - Darren Walsh
Shamelessly stolen from him at the Edinburgh Fringe. If this is a repost I do apologise.
A Man Walks Into The Library...
... And he asks the librarian if they have any books on suicide.
The librarian replies "You can sod of, you won't bring it back!"
Coin Toss
Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.
His Friend : So, what did you finally do?
Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.
My Squad Is Beefing Another Squad - How To Aquire Dominance
Hey /itsaprank Sorry for wrong subreddit, if that is the case. My squad is having a beef with another squad (lets call em "the kiddos"). The kiddos stole our property, and we gotta show them that we are the real thang. Any ideas on how to establish respect? We have been thinking about sending them a url hack which will hang their pc's, but we can't get the shit working. Sorry for bad englando
I Just Got Rear Ended...
...and as I got out of the car, without even realizing how funny it was, I said
"That's a pain in the ass"
True story.
Pickup Truck
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of cheetahs. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with cheetahs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of cheetahs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these cheetahs to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A Man Who Has A Penis Which He Calls 'Roy' Walks Into A Bar
His mate turns around, "How are you?"
"Not too bad mate."
"And how's Roy?"
"Oh, feeling a bit stiff today!"
"I Just Deleted All The German Names Off My Phone."
"It's Hans free"
Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.
The rest of the top ten.
2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4 - "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5 - "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6 - "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7 - "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8 - "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9 - "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10 - "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child
Honourable mentions.
"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster
The Bet
At school little Johnny bet Sarah a dollar that she couldn't climb a flag pole.
After successfully doing so, she was given her dollar. Later at home she told her mother. Sarah's mom explained that the boys just wanted to see her panties, and not to do it again.
The next day Sarah came home with two dollars. The mother asked why she did it again. Sarah said "I tricked them today. I didnt wear panties."
What Do I Get
Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?Tommy: Quarters.Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?Tommy: Hamburger.
A Family Of Cannibals Are Eating Dinner...
The mother looks over to her sullen son.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks,
"I don't like my sister!" complains the boy,
"Well, just move her to the other side of the plate then. Finish your clown-loaf,"
The husband looks up from his meal and says, "Honey, the clown tastes a little funny tonight. But this stew is fantastic!"
"I'm so glad you like it!" replies the wife, "I made it with your mother,"
"No wonder it tastes so good! I sure am gonna miss her, though,"
Did You Guys Hear About The New Exorcist Movie?
where the woman hires the devil to pull the priest out of her son.
Does He Bite
Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite? Reggie: That's what I want to find out.
Thought You Guys Might Enjoy This..
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies! Yes. It is stupid but it makes me smile. Anyone have a stupid joke like this that just makes you laugh?
Two Pieces Of Cake
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
Sunday, February 28, 2016
How To Become Rich
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.
I've Always Wanted To Pursue A Career In Self-deprecating Humor
I'd go for it if I wasn't so fucking stupid.
The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
How To Bring Pacman To Life
Scratch your head and think of the Wakas. Soon you'll see pacman while brushing your teeth.
What Does The Guy Who Has Been Backpacking Just A Bit Too Long Miss Most About Home ?
A home-cooked shower.
Daddy Can I Go Out Dancing With My Friends Tonight?
Dad can I go out dancing with my friends tonight?
Sure, but not with that miniskirt you're wearing
But dad why not?
Cause I can see your cock, George
A Guy In A Mental Hospital
...had a toothbrush on a leash. For many months he called him Johnny. At every session his doctor would ask him what he has with him and every time he would say "my pet, Johnny".
Many session went by and everytime the same. However on a monday morning the unexpected happend. He told his doctor "this is a toothbrush on a leash." The doctor happy that he made progress signed his release form the very next day.
As the guy exited the mental hospital he looked back and said "We got him good, Johnny."
Two Birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
"I Just Deleted All The German Names Off My Phone".
" It's Hans free".
A pun by comedian Darren Walsh has scooped the prize for funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.[(http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)]
Where Can You Meet Horny Girls?
Dad! For the umpteenth time there are NO horny girls in this world... Unless they're lesbians.
What Is The Difference Between A Golfer And A Skydiver?
One goes...
WHACK "Darn."
The other goes...
"Darn." WHACK
2 Old Men With Alzheimer's Are Chatting About The Good Old Day's
The one askes the other
'What's the name of the game reserve we use to go to every summer?'
The other guy thinks for a minute before he turns to his wife and asks...
'Honey, what do you call the red flower with the thorns on the stem?'
'A rose' she replys
He then askes her
'Rose, what's the game reserve we use to go to in the summer?'
A Bar Named Reddit..
A man walks into a bar named reddit. The sign says "moderated, any offense will not be tolerated" along with a list of strict rules demanding that you show respect and sensitivity or else you will be thrown out of the bar. He goes in, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender brings him his drink. He's really down and frustrated but hopes that some drinking will cheer him up. So he starts drinking.
As he drinks he gets a bit relaxed and notices an odd thing. The bar is FULL of people of different ages. You have kids, teens, young adults, middle aged and all other ages around. Then there are also people from different races. Lots of races. In fact some of which he doesn't even recognize (aliens?). Amazed at this cultural diversity he figures that the group, as a whole, might be quite knowledgeable. If only he could just share some of his troubles with them maybe their collective wisdom could help solve his problems and ease-up his life.
So he starts pouring out his thoughts, and troubles to people around. And as he speaks it starts a discussion with the people around him.
He starts, "I woke up early today... because today was going to be a very special day.. You see I fucking love bacon and I-"
"I fucking LOVE bacon!" echoes the guy sitting next to him loudly.
At this the woman in the next table shouts "You know why I went to the kitchen today? Because I fucking love BACON (BAKING)".
Her husband immediately shouts "oh I love your baking, Frankenswine".
A guy from the opposite corner chimes-in "This is why I bring home the bacon!". And by this time people have randomly begun to join in - each shouting something or the other.
"I love you too HAMLET"
"Watch out she's a PIGpocket"
"Waiter! I would like to order a really Jurassic PORK"
"Guys! guys! Let's not HAM Bush this pooor man. He was saying something! Let's hear him out!"
Silence. Our man is surprised and annoyed by this sudden rude outburst but decides to ignore it and give it another go. This time he decides to skip the topic of bacon altogether and starts with a different one. By this time about half of the people around ignore him and go busy into their own work.
“I was speaking to my mama today who really hates chocolate flavor. You see my papa has a chocolate factory and my mama is now cheating on my papa. And I don’t think that-” Interrupted.
Slow clap
“Am I the only one here to think there's nothing wrong in hating chocolates?” shouts a guy right next to his ear. This starts a commotion again and everyone pitches in their thoughts.
“I don’t know whether he’s a human or a troll”
“Dad has a chocolate factory - Nothing wrong with it.”
“Break off the relationship with both your mom and dad. You have given them enough chances”
“This sounds so fake you karma whore”
“Grow up you fucking piece of shit”
“Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.”
And this starts a whole battalion of Yo Mama insults and puns.
Now our man gets really annoyed. By this time another remaining half of the people have stopped listening to him. He shouts loudly at the top of his lungs, “FUCK! YOU ALL MISSED IT AGAIN!”
And the bartender instantly retorts back “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
Edit: corrected typo
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
Knock Knock
Knock Knock. Who's there? This bagel is for. This bagel is for who? Whom. This bagel is for whom.
Dad, I Am Going To Marry
Daughter: "Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes." Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband, sell him on Ebay".
How To Make Your Cucumber Grow.
I think I found the secret to makeing your dick look gigandick in pics. First tie a snug string around the base of your donger. Alot of methods include doing alot of leg workouts to increase blood intake to the area but no. the secret is to skip leg dayevery time you start running not fast either just really slow for 4 hours at a time. Next your going to want to force your feet into a shoe that's two sizes too small to prevent bood from pooling and another important reason next buy those really small baby bannanas that are super duper high in potassium. Before you continue reading remember it's very important you see almost no one in these months of running and small shoe wearing because before the picture they have to remember you as not skin and bone now is time for a picture of your dickture hold the camera at your nipples aiming down at your flesh wand which you should have a baby bannanas balancing on and untie the sting from the second sentence and take the picture since your legs are skinner than a Ugandan tribesman with aids and malaria, and your shoes make your feet appear half the size they usually do. when they use banana as reference they will think its a full size banana.
The South Was Reported To Have More Ashley Madison Users Than Any Other Region In The U.S.
I guess family isn't always enough.
TIL Why My Adopted Daughter Keeps Screaming "Reddit Gold"
Apparently there's this really popular movie with a hit song that kids just love.
April In Sunday School
April wasn't the best in Sunday school, she would always sleep through class. But one day, the teacher asked her "Who created the universe?" so a fellow student named Johnny poked her with a pin, causing her to jump up in surprise and shout "God Almighty!" so the teacher said "Very good!", before April went back to sleep. A while later, the teacher asked April "Who is our Lord and Savior?" but once again, she didn't respond as she was too busy napping in class. So Johnny, being the hero he is, grabbed the pin again and poked her with it, causing April to snap out of her deep sleep and yell "Jesus Christ!". The teacher said "Very good!" before April went back to sleep. About 15 minutes later, the teacher asked April "What did Eve say after giving birth to her 22nd child?" so Johnny, being the helpful little boy he is, poked April with the stick before she exclaimed "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!". Then the teacher fainted.
Am Glad They Are Together....
A woman gets married to a guy and has 3 kids and her husband dies. She then marries a second guy and has 5 kids and the second husband also dies. She then marries a third guy and has 7 kids and her third husband also dies. After a few months, she dies and at her funeral the priest says... "Finally, they are together!".
Her friend standing next to the priest asks, "you mean she and her first husband, she and her second husband or she and her third husband?"
The priest replies, "I meant her legs!"
(heard it from a friend today and thought to share)
Saturday, February 27, 2016
The Farmer And His 3 Daughters
There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.
At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".
The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .
Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".
The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".
A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.
Milk Cows And Leprechauns
A poor Irish family of five (father, mother, and three sons) live out in the country side, and their only source of income comes from just one milk cow. Everyday, the father wakes early in the morning to go milk the cow, and every Friday, he brings the milk to the market, and comes home with just enough money for his family to get by.
One morning, the father wakes up and heads out to the barn. He opens the door, but only to find the milk cow dead. The father's distraught, and all he can think about is the fact that he can no longer support his family. In his current state, the father climbs into the rafters of the barn and hangs himself.
Then the mother wakes up. She heads out to the barn, only to find her husband's body and the dead milk cow. She was distraught, and all she could think about was the fact that the love of her life was dead. So she walked down to the nearby stream and threw herself in.
Then the eldest son wakes up. He walks out to the barn and finds his dead father and the dead milk cow. Then he goes down to the stream and finds his mother's body washed up on the shore. Standing over her body is gorgeous female leprechaun who was just passing through. She looks at the son and asks, "Having a rough day?"
He shrugs his shoulders, "Yeah, you could say that."
The female leprechaun thinks over the boy's situation, and decides to cut him a deal. "How about this," she says. "If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll help you out by bringing your family back, and I'll even revive your precious milk cow."
The son thinks to himself, "I'm in the prime of my youth. I can do this."
He tries, fails, and she kills him
Then the middle son wakes up. He finds the dead dad, the dead milk cow, and goes to the river where he finds his mother, brother, and the beautiful female leprechaun. She asks him, "Having a rough day?"
"Yeah, you could say that."
She decides to make him the same deal; "If you can make live to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring back everyone, including the milk cow."
The son thinks to himself, "I'm I vigorous young man. I can do this."
He tries, fails, and she kills him
Then the youngest son wakes up. He finds the dead dad, the dead milk cow, and goes to the river where he finds his mother, brothers, and the beautiful female leprechaun. She asks him, "Having a rough day?"
"Yeah, you could say that."
She makes him the same deal; "If you can make live to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring back everyone, including the milk cow."
The son stands there pondering her offer, then asks, "Can I make you a counter offer?"
She shrugs. "I don't see why not.
"Okay. What would you do if I made love to you fifteen times in a row?"
The leprechaun laughs herself to the brink of tears, until she realizes that he's being serious. "Well, if you can manage that, I'll bring everyone back to life, including the milk cow, and I'll also give your family a pot of gold."
He nods his head, then presents another counter offer. "What if I make love to you twenty times in a row?"
"Well, if you can manage that, I'll bring everyone back to life, including the milk cow, I'll give your family a pot of gold, and I'll put a mansion where your house is."
He considers her offer, then agrees to the deal. As she begins to remove his clothes, he stops. "I just have one last question."
"And that is?"
"If I make love to you twenty times in a row, what's to stop you from dying from it?"
The leprechaun just looks at the boy, confused by his question. "What on earth would make you think I would die from it?"
The son shrugs his shoulders, and says, "I just assumed it would. I mean, how do you think the milk cow died?"
A Lion Offspring Asked His Dad "What Is A World Series?"
"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"
A Peasant Was Arguing With His Wife...
... when, in a fit of rage, he threw her down the well.
A week later, he goes back to the well, hoping she got calmed, and he thew down a ladder in the well.
The only thing, it's the devil who got out, and thanked the peasant.
-- Gosh, thanks! It was getting unbearable with her down there! Well, to thank you, take this little bunch of herbs. In a few months, when you'll hear that a princess is possessed by the demon, go see the king, and burn the herbs near her, and the King will reward you. But I warn you that this trick will only work once!
Sure enough, in a few months, he learns that the princess is possessed by the demons, and no exorcism is able to stop it. So he goes to the capital, and asks to see the princess.
Since nothing they tried has worked, they let him in, and he burns the herbs the devil gave him, and sure enough, within minutes, the devil leaves the princess, probably blinking at the peasant, before vanishing.
Everyone is relieved that the princess is saved, the King foremost. So he rewards the peasant with the governorship of his province, and he gets very wealthy and successful.
A few years later, another princess is possessed by the demon. When asked to repeat his feat, he said that he is no longer able to do it. The King, furious, has him summoned to the princess.
When he gets there, the devil recognize him and says "hey! I told you that the trick only works once!"
-- Oh, I'm not there for that; I just wanted to warn you that my wife just got out of the well and that she is pissed-off at you, and she is looking for you right now.
The devil let a blood curdling scream, and fled away so far that they never heard of him ever again...
A Rouge English Cavalier From The Middle Ages Is Magically Sent Into The Future To Depose Thailand's Most Ruthless Dictator.
One knight in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.
Another Reason That People Become Fat Is Because We Sugar Coat "Fat Shaming"
They just eat that shit right up.
Naughty Boy
Teacher said the students to convert the sentence "I killed a person" into future tense. Suddenly one of the boys stands up and said, Sir the future tense is "u will go to jail"!
3 Students Were Working On A Science Project...
They were each asked to partially dissect a cockroach to see how long it would live and then write up a conclusion based on their findings.
The first student removed the back half of the cockroach and it lived for 30 days. His conclusion was that a cockroach needed the lower abdomen to process food to live.
The second student removed all the cockroaches legs and it lived for 50 days. In conclusion she found that the legs are necessary to find food.
The third student removed the cockroaches head and it lived for 2 days. He concluded that cockroaches were just like men.. They can't live without a little head.
Did You Hear About The Winner Of The "understood" Pageant?
she didn't have many friends on high school.
[OC] A Cold Bear
Did you know that when a bear gets cold it loses control of its vowels and becomes a brrrr?
I Lost My Watch At A Party Once...
I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.
An Old Man Was Asked What The Trick Was To A Long And Happy Marriage With His Wife. He Replied Saying 'We Have Sex Nearly Every Day'
Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...
When I Was A Little Boy, My Father Gave Me A Horse.
His name was Charlie. Now, there were three things that my father said I could not do with Charlie. Number one was that I could not wade him across the stream, number two was that I could not ride him down the street, and number three was that I could not take Charlie to the strip club down the road, because there were things that we weren't supposed to see there. And we did just what he told us not to do. I waded him across the stream, rode him down the street, and then I took Charlie to the strip club. And boy, did I see things that I wasn't supposed to see there, like my father.
If The Next President Is White....
That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"
She explained, “The egg timer's broken."
"Fifty Dollars Is Fifty Dollars!"
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
So It Honestly Is My Birthday In One Week From Today. Next Monday.
My father came over after working a 14 hour shift. He brought me a an early birthday gift. I open it up and find i received the hammer i always wanted. I was so happy that I had to go to the barn! Once i got to the barn I preceded to hit the hay.
A Son Borrows His Dad's Car
He returns it saying, "Hey dad, you might want to take a look at the car, there's water in the carburetor."
The father looks at him confused and says, "Water in the carburetor? Do you even know what the carburetor does? Where's the car?"
To which the son responds with "In the pool".
What's The Difference Between A 'hippo' And A 'Zippo'?
One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - Masai Graham
Why Did The Cardiologist Bake A Cake With Partially Hydrogenated Oil?
Because he took the hypocritic oath
The Three American Marines That Helped Thwart The Terrorist Attack In France Did Something Than No Frenchman Ever Has.
Received Frances Highest Honor...
Friday, February 26, 2016
A Grasshopper Walks Into A Bar
And the bartender says "I have a shot named after you" The grasshopper replies "you have a shot named Steve?!"
My bartender friend told me this, thought I should share
A Nice Old Janitor Just Finishes Cleaning A Bathroom When A Stranger Approaches Him.
Stranger: Wow this bathroom looks great! Janitor: Why thank you. Stranger: You literally cleaned the shit outta this place. Janitor: Well I appreciate the thought but I wouldn't say litera- .... actually. I suppose you're right.
One Day I Ask My Father For $5
He said $4!!!! But why you need $3 for? $2 should be enough. You know what here's $1 and bring me back half.
Walking Condoms
Two condoms are walking down the street. As they pass a gay bar one turns to the other and says.... you wanna go inside and get shit faced?
A Man Is Going To War For His Country
(Bit of a long joke, bear with me)
Edit: sorry this was blank for a bit. I wrote the joke, and accidentally deleted it, so i had to write it again
So a man enters the military and he is shipped of to the war.
He stands in line for his weapons, and eventually he reaches the armory. The man running the armory says, "Sorry son, we're all our of muskets."
The young man asks, "what am i supposed to do?"
The man says, "hold on, I'll be back" and goes into a closet. He pulls out a broom and gives it to the young man.
Young man says "what am i supposed to do with this?"
The man tells him, "if you see an enemy, just point the tip of the broom and go bangity bang bang. It will work."
The young man, makes a face, but moves on to the next table with the broom. "Hi there, i would like my bayonet."
The man at the table says, "oh sorry, we're out of them, here". The man ties a string to the end of the broom.
"What am i supposed to do with this?"
The man at the table says, "if an enemy comes close, just point the string at him and go stabbity stab stab."
The young man, is beyond disbelief, but doesn't argue. He and a squad of men are sent to a post.
An hour later, enemy's appear in the horizon, and everyone begins to shoot.
The young man decides, "oh what the hell," and pointed the gun at an enemy solider. He yelled, "bangity bang bang!"
Surprisingly, the enemy he aimed at fell as if he had been shot. So the young man kept going.
Soon the enemys were able to get very close. The young man, curious, pointed the string at the enemy's and shouted "stabity stab stab". Miraculously, the enemy fell over dead.
He did this until only he was left standing in the battlefield.
In the distance, he saw one enemy solider marching towards him. So he picked up his broom and yelled, "bangity bang bang." However the lone solider did not go down. The young man kept trying to shoot the lone soldier.
Eventually, the lone soldier was close enough, and the young man yelled "stabity stab stab!" Yet the lone soldier did not respond.
Then the lone soldier came up to the young man, trampled over him and kept walking.
As the young man lay near death, he could hear the lone soldier saying,
"Tankity tank tank"
One Time A Kid Named Jonny Heard The Phrase "Purple Passion".
He had no idea where he heard it or what it even meant. But by god, He was going to find out. So one day at school He decided he would ask his teacher. He raised his hand, the teacher called on him and he stood up and asked. “Teacher, what is Purple Passion?" The teacher obviously appalled by the question replied "Jonny!, how dare you ask such a question. Go to the Principal’s office right this minute." Jonny, confused, picked up his things and made his way to the Principal’s office. Once there, the Principal welcomed him in and had him take a seat. “So Jonny” He said “What brings you here?” “Well” Jonny said. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me here. So do you know what Purple Passion Is? The Principal looked at Jonny and Said “I am very disappointed in you Johnny. This calls for a suspension. Get your things and go home”. Jonny, again confused, grabbed his things and walked home. When he got home, he surprised his mom who asked, “What are you doing home?” To which Jonny replied “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. So what is purple passion?” “JONNY!” his mother yelled “ How dare you ask such a question, you are GROUNDED! Get up to your room and stay there.” So, confused Jonny is sitting on his bed board out of his mind when he decides he is going to sneak out of his bedroom window. Once out, he’s walking down the street of his neighborhood when the town Sheriff stops and says, “Jonny! What are you doing out of School?” “Well” Jonny says. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and now I’m here. So, What’s Purple Passion? The officer promptly grabs Jonny and handcuffs him. “You are going to jail young man” he says. So there is Jonny sitting in jail. When the jail guard comes up and asks “What are you in for?” Jonny looks at him and says “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me here. So do you know what purple passion is?” “Well son” the jail guard said. “You just earned an express ticket to see the Judge due to your vulgar expletives.” When Jonny was brought in front of the Judge, he was asked to explain what he had done wrong. He said “Your Honor. I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me here. So what is Purple Passion?” The judge slammed down his gavel and said “For this outrage I shall send you to the Supreme Court.” (Just roll with it). When standing In front of the Supreme Court Judge, He was asked why he was there, to which he
responded “Sir, I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home,. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I asked the judge what purple passion was and he sent me here. So what is Purple Passion?” “YOU ARE TO BE DEPORTED!!!!!” The Judge yelled. “Bailiff, Get this pond scum out of my sight.” So now Jonny is sitting in Thailand and a man walks up to him and asks him why he is sitting depressed on the side of the street. And Jonny told him the story. “I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I asked the Judge what purple passion was and he sent me to Supreme Court where I asked that Judge what Purple Passion was and he had me deported, and now I’m here, Do you know what Purple Passion is?” The man Said “You know kid, I don’t know what it is. But do you see that old man across the street? He knows what purple passion is.” Jonny jumped to his feet, Overjoyed he ran across the street and BAM he got hit by a car and died.
Moral of the story: Look both ways when crossing the street.
A Father And His Son Are Having Dinner...
When the son abruptly asks
"Dad, is it safe to eat bugs?"
The father feeling disgusted responded with
"Now, son, that's not a question for the dinner table"
Later on after dinner the father walks over to the son and asks
"Now what was that question you had?"
The son looked up at him cheerfully and responded
"Oh it doesn't matter dad, you already ate the soup!"
My Girlfriend And My Motorcycle Have Something In Common.
The faster I accelerate the ride, the more likely I am to break my crotch.
How Do Rappers Feel After Eating At Taco Bell?
As if they are about to drop a hot new mixtape in the toilet.
Alfred : Master Bruce, Quess Who I Saw Today?
Bruce Wayne : Who?
Alfred : Not Your Parents.
Bruce Wayne : Why You're Doing This Alfred?
Alfred : They Told Me To
Bruce Wayne : Who?
Alfred : Not Your Parents.
Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born Too Early To Explore The Galaxy...
...born too ugly to explore a woman.
I Went Into A Pesticide Shop And Asked The Owner If He Had Anything For Flies.
Stupid idiot shat in my hand.
My Wife Asked Me Why I Carry A Gun Around The House....
I said Decepticons... She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed I shot the toaster we all had a good time.
Movie Was A Real Turkey!
Could someone explain this joke to me it's driving me crazy!
Libby: How was the movie?
Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
What Does A Blonde Have If Her Brain Is The Size Of A Pea.
Encephalitis, and possibly a medical miracle.
The Pokemon Champs
The pokemon shooters should've blocked the exits if they wanted to be successful, "gotta catch em all," remember!
My Other Half And I Went To A Restaurant.
I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"
"Do you want anything on the side?"
I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."
Who Was The Greatest Prostitute In History?
Ms. Pac-man. For 25 cents she would swallow balls until she died.
I Saw A Bunch Of Youths Hitting An Old Lady.
I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."
"And what?" they replied.
"And she's still moving."
I Heard Someone Talking About All The Potential Health Benefits Of Doing Yoga,
but I think it’s a bit of a stretch.
Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger And Sylvester Stallone Are In A Bar
After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers
Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"
Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"
Since Michael Jackson's Death Hundreds Of Children Have Gathered At The Gates Of Neverland. Police Have Said That They Will Let Them Out Once They Find A Locksmith.
Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Strange Lady
A waiter noticed a woman stuffing bits of food down her shirt. He thought it was rather strange, but he figured that since it's her food she could do what she wanted with it.
But after a while the waiter noticed that the woman's behavior was making some of the other patrons uncomfortable. So he approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop putting food down your shirt. It's bothering some of the other customers."
The woman looked around indignantly and said "Why do you people feel so threatened by a woman breastfeeding!?"
The Best Part Of Being Single Is Being Able To Sleep Around...
You get to sleep all over your bed. Left, right, diagonal, or in the middle.
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your fucking' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
A Body Was Found....
In the bus station early this morning.
A man was drowned in milk, buried in Cheerios, with a banana stuxk in his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer....
Fed Up With All The Denouncements, God Finally Decides To Appear In Front Of An Atheist...
To show that he is the Allmighty and omnipotent and put the heretic to his place, God asks the atheist for one wish that he will grant.
Atheist, after a careful consideration, replies:
"Erase my memory of this incident."
Little Jimmy And The Priest
A priest was walking down the street and came across little Jimmy and his father. The priest smiled and said "good morning, Jimmy!" to which the boy replied "fuck you, father." Jimmy's father was mortified. "I am so so sorry! We try to raise Jimmy to be polite and he never says things like that at home!" The priest said "It's perfectly fine, let me talk to the boy." The priest continued: Jimmy, I understand why you don't respect me. After all, I'm just a humble priest in a small town. But I believe I am doing the Lord's work, and I enjoy what I do. And I believe that if I work hard, and if God chooses me, some day I might become a Bishop. Then I could really help people and make an impact throughout this entire diocese. And if God continues to bless me in my work over the years, I could become a Cardinal. I would move to Rome and help set policies that would improve the spiritual lives of millions of people. And who knows. If God so desires in His infinite wisdom, I could one day become Pope. Billions of people would listen to my teachings. World leaders would request audiences with me, and bow down before me. I would become one of the most powerful men on the entire planet, Jimmy, and you say 'fuck me?' FUCK YOU!!
Did You Know That More Black Men Died In Vietnam Than White Men?
It's all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.
There Once Was A Lady Named Sue...
..who didn't have much to do.
So she pulled out the vacuum,
and went to the bathroom,
and found a new way to go poo.
There's A Really Annoying Moth In My Room.
It's been on my Silence of the Lambs poster for ages now.
"Grandpa What Are You Doing?"
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None, Jews are too damn cheap to buy a replacement bulb.
How To Impress Your Boss
Show up early.
Have all the tools you need.
Read the strategy guide.
Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).
Me Taking My Confirmation
So we all were sitting in a circle singing pro Jesus, Holy Spirit, God songs. And after about 20 minutes the instructor asks if we have any suggestions.
And without even thinking i uttered: Heavens On fire.
At first it was quiet. But then people started trying to hold back their laughter. As none of us really were "full christians".
And i can´t believe that they still let me take it.
A Boy Was On The Toilet With Diarrhea And Called His Mom Over...
He says "Mom, I need some viagra." The mom replies, "What do you need?!" The boy says, " I need viagra, isn't that what you always give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
Day 3 In The Desert:
I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
There Are 10 Types Of People In The World
1: those who understand binary.
2: those who don't.
3: those who take advantage of the fact that this concept can be extended to any base counting system.
4: those who identify as unsorted when confronted with a list of types of people in the world.
5: those who make lists that include "other" as a compromise for the fourth type of people.
10: the hooded figures [citation needed]
What Did The Old Man Say Before He Kicked The Bucket?
old man "how far do you think i can kick this bucket".
Do You Know How To Test If Your Wife Or Dog Loves You More?
Lock them both in the boot of your car and then leave them there for a few hours.
Once you have unlocked it you will quickly see who is more happy to see you.
A Rich Man And A Poor Man Were Sitting At A Bar.
The rich man voted Republican and the poor man voted for Bernie Sanders. The Democrats won since there are more poor people, and USA became like Greece.
Thank you very much for your time.
Someone Tried To Give Me A Fake $50 Dollar Bill...
but I immediately realized it had an extra 0 and the portrait was all wrong.
A Bear Is Chasing A Rabbit Through The Woods When They Stumble Upon A Genie Lamp.
They agree to a ceasefire for the moment to check it out. The bear rubs it with his paw and poof! Out pops a genie. The genie informs them they are allowed three wishes each.
Bear roars "I wish to be the only male bear in these woods, so that all the females will love only me!"
Genie says "As you wish." and all the male bears in the woods turn to females.
Rabbit jumps in excitedly "I want a motorcycle!"
Genie says "Granted." and a beautiful, shiny rabbit motorcycle pops out.
Bear, scratching his chin, roars "To heck with it, I wish to be the only male bear in this country!"
Genie says "It is done." and all the male bears in the country turn to females.
Rabbit, revving the engine of his new bike quickly follows up with "I want a helmet!"
Genie says "Your wish is my command." and a beautiful, shiny rabbit helmet pops out.
Bear, clearly very happy with himself stands up to his full height and bellows "I wish to be the only male bear in the world!"
Genie says "Voila!" and all the male bears in the world turn to females.
Rabbit, strapping his helmet on says "I wish bear is gay."
Things Rednecks Never Say...
• I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. • Duct tape won't fix that. • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. • We don't keep firearms in this house. • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? • You can't feed that to the dog. • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. • Wrasslin's fake. • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • We're vegetarians. • Do you think my hair is too big? • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? • Who's Richard Petty? • Give me the small bag of pork rinds. • Deer heads detract from the decor. • Spitting is such a nasty habit. • I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. • Trim the fat off that steak. • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • The tires on that truck are too big. • I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. • I've got it all on a floppy disk. • Unsweetened tea tastes better. • Would you like your fish poached or broiled? • My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. • I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. • Checkmate. • She's too old to be wearing a bikini. • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? • Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen. • I don't have a favorite college team. • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. • I believe you cooked those green beans too long. • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. • Elvis who?
I Tried Posting A "rape" Video To A Porn Website
but for some reason they didn't accept the Germany vs. Brazil match
His Wife Suggested That He Should See A Sex Therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
Murphy... Strikes.
Lowrey's Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lowrey's Law of Expertise Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology There's always one more bug.
Lubin's Law If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.
Luce's Law No good deed goes unpunished.
Lucy's Law The alternative to getting old is depressing.
Luten's Laws 1. When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 2. It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Lyon's Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last.
Madison's Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class?
Rev. Mahaffy's Observation: There's no such thing as a large whiskey.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Corollaries:
- The bigger the theory, the better.
- The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
(Compensation Corollary)
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Malinowski's Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.
Malloy's Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause.
The first Myth of Management It exists.
Truths of Management:
- 1. Think before you act; it's not your money.
- 2. All good management is the expression of one great idea.
- 3. No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
- 4. Cash in must exceed cash out.
- 5. Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
- 6. Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
- 7. If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.
- 8. If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
- 9. If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
- 10. The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.
Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Marshall's Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can't be seen.
Marshall's Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation:
- Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy.
- No two people perceive the same thing identically.
- Few perceive what difference it makes -- or care.
Martha's Maxim (and see Olum's Observation and Farrow's Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.
Martin's Laws of Academia: 1. The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required. 2. Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate. 3. The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment.
Martin's Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that "it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time."
Martin's Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases.
Martin's Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Martin's Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself.
Matsch's Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Matsch's Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
May's Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
May's Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor.
McCarthy's Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
McClaughry's Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement.
McClaughry's Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
McDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
McGoon's Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
McGovern's Law: The longer the title, the less important the job.
McGurk's Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
McKenna's Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle.
McLaughlin's Law (and see Parson's Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting.
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The other is that they do.
McNaughton's Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated.
Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn't want their mother-in-law within walking distance.
Melcher's Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who cannot -- teach. Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's Extension)
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Merrill's First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors.
Merrill's Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
Meskimen's Laws:
1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem: Nothing is ultimate.
Mickelson's Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Miller's Law: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Mills's Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight.
Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way.
MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Mobil's Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.
Money Maxim: Money isn't everything. (It isn't plentiful, for instance.)
Montagu's Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Morley's Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ("What this country needs are some stronger white rats.")
Mosher's Law: It's better to retire too soon than too late.
Munnecke's Law: If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
Murchison's Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell.
Nader's Law: The speed of exit of a civil servant is directly proportional to the quality of his service.
NASA Skylab Rule: Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
NASA Truisms:
Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read.
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately.
Law of Nations:
In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.
Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
Evvie Nef's Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.
Nessen's Law: Secret sources are more credible.
Newman's Law: Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
Newman's Observation: The first shall be last and the last shall be first. But if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.
Newton's Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Nick the Greek's Law: All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against.
Nienberg's Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Nies's Law: The effort expended by the bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nixon's Rule: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Nobel Effect: There is no proposition, no matter how foolish, for which a dozen Nobel signatures cannot be collected. Furthermore, any such petition is guaranteed page-one treatment in the New York Times.
Noble's Law of Political Imagery: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.
Corollary:
Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American people will vote for the less bald of the two.
North Carolina Equine Paradox: Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses?
No. 3 Pencil Principle:
Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most people will stop doing it. Corollary: If no one uses something, it isn't needed.
Nursing Mother Principle: Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.
Nyquist's Theory of Equilibrium: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.
Oaks's Unruly Laws for Lawmakers: 1. Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement. 2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
What Is The Difference Between A Casino And The Stock Market ?
The casino comps you after taking all your money
GOD SENT YOU
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
A Guy Was Handing Out Flyers For A Lebanese Restaurant
just now during my lunchtime walk in New York City.
"Feel awful? he asked me.
No, I feel fine, thanks," I replied. But I wonder, do I look that bad?
Dads... On The Loose...
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko...
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH.
What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter-- he can't come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag.
When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers.
Why does Tigger smell bad? He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.
How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash.
Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice.
You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots.
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? "Look, here come the grapes!" (Jane was colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? "Here come the elephants!" Tarzan wasn't colorblind.
What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? "You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!"
How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree.
Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn't it?
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you're pooped out.
A Guy Dies And Goes To Hell...
As soon as he gets there, he starts yelling orders at the demons and commanding people to do things.
This goes on for awhile until finally Satan shows up.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?," the devil demands. "You can't act like you own the place!"
"Sure I can!" the man replies. "Married your sister and she has been giving it to me for the past 36 years!"
Blonde Rowing A Boat
A blonde is driving down a country road when she's sees another blonde Rowing a boat in the middle of a wheat field. She pulls over and gets out of the car angrily. She's screams, " It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, "What if I weren't pulling in six figures any more—would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
Chuck 'baddest Ever' Norris
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• • There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• • Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
• • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• • Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
• • Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
• • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
• Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
• Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
• Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
• Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
• A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
• Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
• Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
• Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
• Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
• Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
• The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
• Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
• If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
I Am Going To Adopt A Plastic Baby....
I will raise him as my own as i see great potential in him growing up to be an important politican. Mainly because he has a plastic brain and cannot drive himself.
First I Got A Tattoo On My Cervical That Said "5".
Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"
Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"
After that, I got one on my Sacrum that said 2"
And now, I'm getting one on my Coccyx that says "1"
It's the spinal countdown.
A Member Of A Train Crew...
Being tired of work decides to have a nap, so he climbs up on the car and fall asleep on the moving train. Upon arriving at their destination his boss finds out and furiously climbs the car and starts a fight with him.
They tumble into the overhead lines and a brilliant arc of high voltage electricity finds its way through both of them.
The boss died instantly, the other man survived because he was a terrible conductor.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
What's A Pirate's Least Favourite Letter?
Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
Imagine Microsoft Made An Office Targeted At The Ku Klux Klan.
The racists would be out of their houses. White power would finally have a point!
Election Day
The first Jewish President is elected in 2016.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food!"
"Mama, I'm gonna be the president, I can get you kosher food..."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come alright?"
"Ach, Ok, if it makes you happy."
The day comes and mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible?" "His brother's a doctor!"
I Opened A Company....
for guys with erectile dysfunction because I felt sorry for them. Now they all want a bloody raise.
I Was Watching CSI
I was watching CSI and they found some semen in a woman's ear
I guess she heard the killer coming
I Want The Cleveland Browns To Be The Pallbearers At My Funeral.
So they can let me down one last time.
If The Wu-Tang Clan Started A Cross-country Shipping Company, Would You Use Them?
Nah. Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthing ta truck wit.
Why Is Def Leppard The Best Band To Listen To While Driving?
Because you only need one arm to drum along..
Superman Was Feeling Bored One Day.
Superman was feeling bored one day, so he decided to give Batman a call. Turns out Batman was busy fighting crime.
He then tried Spider-Man, but he too was busy shooting webs.
Finally, he flew over to Wonderwoman's house and saw her naked on the bed, legs open.
Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman had his super sex and sped out.
Meanwhile, Wonderwoman asks aloud "Did you see anything?"
Invisible man replies "No, but damn, my asshole hurtles like hell!"
A Cowboy Is Walking Naked Down Main Street...
and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him. "Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?" The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story." "There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it." "Alright, so I was throwin' hay in my barn when a pretty little blonde lady comes in and says 'It's mighty hot in here, why don't you take your shirt off?' I did and she did the same, and I didn't mind. Then she says 'why don't ya set down and take your boots off?' I do and she set down beside me. Then she says 'why don't ya take them pants off?' I do and she does the same. Then she looks at me and says 'now go to town.' So here I am!"