He asked me "Any spare change Sir?" . I said "I don't, but I do have an airbed you can have" A huge smile spread across his face "Thankyou Sir you've made an old man very happy". "No problem" I said, "here, have my air guitar too"
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Thursday, March 31, 2016
A Boy Goes To The Principle To Complain About Bullying...
-We take bullying seriously, Who bullied you and how?
-Well, it's a constant thing, it starts when I first see them. It goes on all day, and by the end of the day I'm in so much agony I could die.
-My boy my boy... We will take care of you, we want you to feel safe here. Now you must be brave and tell me, who's bullying you?
-...Its the pretty girls, all of them really, and one teacher.. (looks down in shame)
-All the pretty girls? A teacher!!? This really is serious.
-yes sir I know.
-Just the pretty girls?
-Yes, just them sir.
-We'll get through this son. Now, how are they bullying you? Tell me so we can make it stop.
-Well... They make me feel, chubby.
Badum ching!
Edit: formatting
A Man Is In An Incestuous Relationship With His Mother...
He soon finds a priest willing to marry them in secret.
His brother, however, finds out and pleads with him, “How could you marry our mother? Don’t you find it disgusting?”
The man replies, “Yes, I do, that’s why I have to marry her. It’s the only way to be sure we’ll stop fucking.”
A Joke By My Physics Teacher
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the roof of his building.
Just before the man jumps, the physicist yells: "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
2 Planes Hit The Twin Towers But Jet Fuel Doesn't Melt Steel Beams So That Means...
They must have dropped my mixtape.
Disclaimer: I know its a bad day to post it one and R.I.P to everyone who died but I thought this was to funny not share.
Why Do Mexicans Never Have Sex Ed. And Driver's Ed. On The Same Day?
They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
So A Woman Gets A Facelift For Her 50th Birthday.
She then decides to go around town asking random people how old she is, most of them got it wrong.
Then she gets on a bus and asks the driver how old she is. The driver says "Lady i'm 82 years old at this point the only way to guess is to feel your chest" she says "okay then go for it."
After a few minutes the man says "50." The woman asks "how did you know?" The man says "you promise you won't get mad?" "I promise."
He says "I was behind you at McDonalds"
A Woman Is Fed Up With Receiving Lame Birthday Presents From Her Husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
What's The Difference Between Michael Jackson And Acne?
acne doesn't come on a five-year-old's face.
Why Were The People In The Twin Towers Pissed Off?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, and they only got plane.
An English Cat And A French Cat.
Do you remember how to count to 10 in french? Ok Good. So there are two cats, an English cat and a French cat and they are trying to make it across a river. The english cat is named "one,two,three" and the french cat is named "Un, deux, trois". Which cat makes it across the river? ...
... The English cat because the un deux trois quatre cinq
A Man Walks Into A Psychiatrist
...and says "Doctor, help me! Im a wigwam and a teepee!" The doctor says "Son. Sit down and relax. You're two tents."
Reason All Fashion Artists Are Gay.....
is because heterosexuals have already invented nude art and porn.
Before You Judge A Person Make Sure You Walk A Mile In Their Shoes.
That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Most Interesting Line Written On The Front Of T-shirt Of A Girl
Most interesting line written on the front of T-shirt of a girl, . . . . . . . Excuse me ! My face is above. ;-)
10 Husbands, Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Joke My Math Professor Told Me Today.
A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
When The Moon Hits Your Eye...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore.
When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek that's a moray.
A Man Walkes Into A Bar, And Sees An Elephant Seated Beside Him
"Want to see a trick," the bartender asks, the man says yes and the bartender hits the elephant with a crowbar. Wincing, the elephant goes underneath the bar and gives the bartender a blow job. "Pretty cool, right," the bartender says, "you want to try it?" " Sure, as long as you don't hit me as hard."
The Reason I Dont Wear Specific Colors On 9/11
when someone asks me why im not wearing red on 9/11 i tell them "because im not celebrating a muslim holiday"
Husbands Are Like Split Air Conditioners
No matter how loud and hot they are outside;
inside they are
silent
cool
and
- Remote controlled
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside for eternity.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When everyone turned and stared at him, he apologized "I am sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I am a gynecologist!"
Hearing this, the proctologist sitting next to him fainted.
A Nun Walk At Night...
A nun is walking at night when she walks past a bar. Suddenly, a man comes bursting through the door and tackles the nun to the ground, beating her senseless. A crowd starts to gather and the drunk man triumphantly stands and says, "See! Batman ain't so tough."
How Most Redditors Write A 9/11 Joke
Its easy. Just say something random and end with 9/11
For example, my girlfriend's birthday is today, but we're not going out because its 9/11.
My dog is jumping up and down for no reason. Must be 9/11
I got my test score back. Its 9/11
Just let it all out ppl.
John Cena
Was walking down the street the other day and I spotted John Cena of all people, I instantly ran home to tell my family that I had Cena John
Edit: Spelling mistake
I'm At Work When My Boss Tells Me To Order Two Pizzas.
I call Pizza Hut and say "I would like two plains delivered to the World Trade Center, please."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees A Sign That Reads:
"$5 for a grilled cheese sandwich
$10 for a hand job"
He asks the lady at the bar,
"You the one giving out handies for ten bucks?"
"Why yes I am, handsome!" She replies.
"Great! How about you wash them puppies and make me a sandwich!"
Did You Hear Some Expert Thieves Stole The Toilets From The Police Station?
The police were left with nothing to go on.
Know Any 9/11 Jokes?
I'll start it off.
knock knock
who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
you said you'd never forget!
Cloud Technology
Child to mom : Mom .. what is a cloud? Mom : Cloud is a way of storing data in multiple locations. Multiple computers work together to provide cheap storage and computation .. Its an emerging technology, and everyone will soon stop using local disks and start using cloud hosted things only. ... ... silence ... ... ... silence ... Kid : But teacher says, cloud is something that produces rain ... ... Mom : Oh yeah .. that too ..
Traffic Stop
A cop stops a car and asks the man inside, "Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking?"
The guy replies, "Why? Is there an ugly chick next to me?"
I Just Quit My Job, I Couldn't Work For My Boss After What He Said To Me
He told me that I was fired
THE CRABBY CABBIE
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
My Wife Thinks My Obsession With Conspiracy Theories Is Getting Out Of Control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
People Who Fly A Lot Say There Is Nothing Worse Than Having A Baby On A Plane
But I can give you 4 examples when having a baby on a plane was awesome...
However they were all on September 11th
The Wrestler.
There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.
In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a title fight with The Champ.
"No way," the manager says. "Impossible. You just ain't ready." "I am ready chief, I just know I am! I can do it!" "No," the manager replies, "you can't. The Champ has his signature move, the 'Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press'. You know this. It's so painful, that anybody he catches in it, bang! That's their career over. Nobody has ever escaped it. Forget it!"
But the wrestler won't forget it. He keeps on and on at his manager until the old man is at the end of his rope. Finally, he cracks.
"OK," he says, "you asked for it. A shot at The Champ. Well, you're getting it! But listen up; he WILL get you into his Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press, and when he does I ain't waitin' around. I throw in the towel the instant you're in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press and maybe we can still save your career!"
"I won't let you down, Chief!" the wrestler assures him. "He won't get ME into any Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press!"
The big night comes, the wrestler's hubris makes him careless and the manager's worst fear is realized: The Champ gets our boy into the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press in the first minute!
The wrestler's face is a beetroot mask of agony; the Manager goes to throw in the towel, only to find it gone. He left it in the dressing room!
He sprints to go grab it, but just as he makes the dressing room he hears the sound of a bell and a massive cheer shakes the building. It's all over. He takes a seat and waits for the wrestler to reappear, which he does - staggering into the room.
"I told you kid," the Manager says. "I warned you about the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press. It's all over."
"I won," the Wrestler says. The Managers eyes pop.
"Won? What do you mean, 'won'? You can't have won! He had you! He had you in the Double-Spread-Eagle-Toe-Hold-Triple-Leg-Press! I saw it, with these eyes!"
"Oh, he did," replies the wrestler. "and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He had me folded over, bent backwards - but just as I was about to black out, I saw it."
"Saw what?"
"A big pair of nuts hanging right in front of my face, just swinging there. So I bit them!"
"You - bit...?"
"Yep! Champed my teeth right down on those suckers! And then it was easy - I just stood up, threw him down and got him into a simple half-Nelson. He never stood a chance."
"My God!"
"Yep," said the wrestler. "It's incredible the sudden surge of strength you get from biting your own nuts."
A Frisky Couple Are Speeding Down The Highway One Day...
The girl takes off all of her clothes and throws them into the backseat. Just as things are getting heated, the guy loses control of his car and they roll over into the ditch. Dazed and bruised, the girl crawls out of the shattered window, and limps around to her boyfriend's side of the car.
"Honey, are you okay?" her voice quivers.
The boy grunts, "I'm pinned in here babe. I need you to find help!"
"Are you kidding?! My clothes are nowhere to be seen! I can't be walking around naked like this!"
The boy uses his left foot to slip off his right shoe, and kicks it out the window to her. He assures her that this is the best they can do. Already starting to blush, she covers her groin with the shoe as she stumbles away.
Eventually she happens upon a lonesome looking tavern at a rest stop. She enters the bar to find it nearly empty, except for an old bartender cleaning up the place.
"Help!" she screams to the bartender, "My boyfriend is stuck!" The old man glances down at the shoe covering the girls shame.
Rubbing his scalp, he says with a sigh, "Lady, if that young feller is that far up there, I'm afraid he's a goner."
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Broccoli Is Like Anal Sex.
If you didn't like it forced on you as a child you probably won't like it as an adult.
A Man Witnessed A Parent Forcing Their Kid To Painfully Overeat Because There Are Starving Kids In Africa Who Get No Food. The Man Immediately Punched The Kid In The Head And The Parents Screamed, "What Did You Do That For?!!?"
The man explained, "Because there are parentless kids in Africa who get no hugs"
Did You Know The Last Meal They Ordered For Lunch At The Twin Towers Was Pizza?
They ordered 2 large planes.
Wife Called Up Her Mom And Said, "He Fought With Me Again,I'm Coming To Live With You."
Mom replied, no no my daughter, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.
I Realised I've Got A Road Rage Problem When My Five-year-old Daughter Shouted...
..."Pick a fucking lane,you dickhead!"
While sitting in my grocery trolley.
What's The Worst Part About 9/11?
getting your reddit jokes downvoted 14 years later because everyone is a crybaby cunt
What Do You Get If You Cross A Buddhist Monk And A 16 Year Old Blonde Cheerleader?
Arrested for procurement of a minor. Trust me on this one.
A Man Goes To The Doctor...
and says I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter. The doctor says, she's 10 years old and sexually active? The man says, active, hell no, she mostly just lays there.
A 'cure' For Lesbianism.
I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.
"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."
There's A Doctor Who Goes Around My Neighbourhood Handing Out Body Parts...
...he gives me the willies.
Right And Wrong Very Funny Jokes :P
Mrs Cameron, a primary instructor, was coaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, allow's take an instance," Mrs Cameron stated. "If I had been to get into a person's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what could I be?"
Little Tony increases his hand, and with a confident smile says, "you'll be his wife."
What's The Difference Between A Old Computer And A Old Prostitute?
A old prostitute won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
I Saw A Really Nasty Wreck On The Way To Work This Morning...
...wish I had had time to pick her up.
What Do Augusto Pinochet And New Guns N Roses Have In Common?
They've both committed atrocities in South American stadiums.
My Colleague Is A Hobbist Photographer.
He was joking about his next shoot. He said "My next model is very pretty. If only I can shoot her in bikini". Another colleague heard this and exclaimed "Why would you want to wear a bikini to shoot her?".
True Story
Monday, March 28, 2016
I'm Driving With This Guy And He Runs Right Through A Stop Sign...
so I say, "you know, that was a stop sign back there" and he says "I drive like my brother!" So next we're coming up on a red light, and he doesn't even slow down, goes right through a standing red light. I say "you just ran a red light", he says, "Hey, I drive like my brother!" So now we're coming up on a green light and he starts to slow down, now I'm really confused, I ask him "why are you slowing down, it's a green light?" He says, "My brother might be coming..."
Maid Wanted A Salary Raise...
Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?
They Should Call The "Emergency Brake" The "All-Hell Brake"
Because if it fails on a step hill, then "All-Hell brake's loose."
A Woman Wants To Buy A Pair Of Spectacles.
A woman walks into a shop and says," Doctor, I think I need a pair of spectacles! "
The shopkeeper replies," You certainly do ma'am! This is a grocery store.
French, German, Russian, And U.S Colleagues Are Discussing Healthcare.
A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."
What Do You Call A Muslim Flying A Plane?
A pilot.
What do you call an asian flying a plane?
A pirate.
Who Are The Fastest Readers In The World?
9/11 victims, they go through hundred of stories in seconds.
Today Is National Suicide Prevention Day.. So Remember..
If you see any suicide bombers...... Shoot them.
There Are Three Kind Of Men In This Worls
Some remain single and make wonders happen. Those who get girlfriends and see wonders happen. And those who get married and wonder what the hell happened.
Princess Diana Goes To Heaven...
Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim
Book Nerds All Be Like..
420 blaze it? More like, 451 BLAZE IT!
.... On second thoughts, this is probably why I have no friends
Syrian Refugee Is Walking Through The Street In Berlin
Syrian refugee is walking through the street in Berlin. He sees a pedestrian and says to him: - "thank you for your German hospitality. I have everything, food, roof over my head, clothes." He gets reply: - "I'm sorry but I'm from Afghanistan."
So he goes on and sees a woman. Again he begins: - "thank you for your German hospitality. I have everything, food, roof over my head, clothes." But then she answers: - "I have nothing to do with it. I'm from Iraq."
He then sees the man across the street, goes to him and again says: - "thank you for your German hospitality. I have everything, food, roof over my head, clothes." The man says: - "I'm sorry but I'm from Eritrea."
Angry Syrian asks: - "so where the hell are all Germans?" - "in work." Says Eritrean.
Why Is The Word "smiles" The Longest Word In English?
Because there is a mile separating the two s'es.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Teacher - How Did Our Grandparents Kill Time Without Smartphones Or Internet ?
Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
A Trucker Who Has Been Out On The Road For Two Weeks Decided To Have A Pit Stop At A Brothel...
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks decided to have a pit stop at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
HILARY AND THE TRUTH
Hilary Clinton saying she is going to tell the truth is like an atheist saying 'God bless you.'
Corona With Lemon.
A while ago I was talking to a friend;
'I don't know how you can drink Corona, it takes like piss.'
'You're supposed to put lemon in it.'
'Why, so I can have lemon flavoured piss?'
Who Are The Fastest Readers In The World?
9/11 victims. They went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
IPhone 6S Joke
Commercial: Buy the iPhone 6S now, the S means that it is the fucking same thing as iPhone 6 but costs 200 dollars more.
New Human-like Species Discovered In South Africa.
Kardashians can't catch a break on a vacation even in Namibia.
During An Inspection Of The Federal Penitentiary, I Saw A Bald Inmate Beat Up A Warden.
I guess the warden was hit by a Smooth Criminal.
Wow, It Has Been 14 Long Years Since The Best Day That Could Of Ever Occurred :), And I Think Its About Time It Happens Again, God Bless 9/11
Yep my son was born on this day 14 years ago, I probably should have another child before I age much more
Never Been Hugged
A man and his girlfriend were walking on the beach one day and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting by the water looking sad. "What's wrong sweetie?" He asks. "I've never been hugged before." She replies. His girlfriend whispers to him "she's so sad, just make her happy." So he leans down and gives her a hug, "Now you've been hugged" he says. They start walking away and she starts crying. "What's wrong this time?" He asks. "I've never been kissed before either." Looking rather annoyed the girlfriend tells him to just peck her on the cheek and be done with it. So he kneels down and kisses her cheek, "Now you've been..." but she suddenly pushes her lips against his which really pisses the girlfriend off but she knows this lady is just so lonely. They start to leave when the woman starts bawling hysterically. "What's the matter now?!?" He asks obviously annoyed as well. "I've... never been fucked before..." Sick of this, the girlfriend picks her up, throws her in the water and yells "now you're fucked!"
If You Think Your Job Is Meaningless
remember that in the BMW factory, there are people whose job is to install turning lights
Three Cats Were Competing In A Race
There was an American cat named "one two three", a German cat named "ein zwei drei", and a French cat named "en deux trois". The cats all swim across the lake. The American cat finishes first, the German cat comes in second, but the French cat was no where to be found.
Why?
Because the en deux trois quatre cinq
Today, As Part Of A Game, We Were Told To Name As Many Celebrities As We Could Before The Time Ran Out
My friend panicked and said "Wait no I'm home schooled!"
Write 55
A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
What's Your Favorite Tasteless 9-11 Joke?
Here's mine.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
911.
911 who?
You said you'd never forget
The Perfect Son...
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
"Give Me A Moment"
"Give me a moment," says the physicist as he sits in his desk chair. He wonders why nobody has spun him around yet.
A Guy Goes To See Doctor N.
I'm sorry, says the nurse, the doctor isn't in, but I can take your symptoms and see what we can do.
"Well, my head is killing me, and I'm running a fever."
The nurse leaves. She returns in a few moments and says "Take 2 asprin and Call Dr N's office in the morning"
"But nurse, you're not a doctor, how do you know that's what I need?"
"N SAID", replies the nurse.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
A Priest, A Rabbi, And A Preacher Are Taking A Group Of Children On A Cruise Ship When All Of The Sudden It Starts To Sink...
The preacher says "We need to save the children!" The rabbi responds " Fuck the kids!" And the priest says "Do you think we have time?"
How Many Dead Prostitutes Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
More than ten because my basement is still dark.
What Do You Get If You Cross A Rooster With Peanut Butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Mike Is About To Have Dinner At His Girlfriend's Parents' House For The First Time...
and he wants to show up in style, so he decides to buy a motorcycle. After searching ads online he finds one that looks excellent. He gets to the seller's house and looks at the bike. It is in pristine condition! Not a scratch or rust anywhere. He asks the man "This bike must be 10 years old, how do you keep it looking so nice?" The man gives a little smile and pulls out a small container of Vaseline. "It's an old trick. Any time it rains I rub this stuff all over her. Keeps the rain off keeping it fresh and shiny! Hell, if you're buying the bike, I got no use for this so you can have it with the bike." So, off goes Mike on his new ride with his tiny tub of lube. He picks up his girlfriend on the way, and on to the parents place. His plan works out well. When they arrive, her parents come out to greet them and they love his new bike! They get off to a great start, chatting up a storm. Her dad says that supper is ready so they should head inside and eat. They start to head in when his girlfriend holds him back and says "listen, my family is a little weird. There is a rule in there that anyone who talks during supper has to do the dishes." Mike thinks this isn't too weird until he gets inside. There are dishes EVERYWHERE!! All over the house, in the living room: dirty dishes! In the hallway, dirty dishes! Everywhere he looks, there are just piles and piles of dirty dishes! They sit down to the table and begin eating, and Mike starts thinking "Man, these people are dedicated. I could do whatever I want and nobody will say anything, there's no way they would do all these dishes!" So he slides his plate aside and grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and just starts plowing her. Her parents look mortified, but not a peep. He finishes up, has a couple more bites of his steak and tries something else. He grabs her mother this time! slams her up on the table and gives it to her hard! The dad looks pissed, his girlfriend looks jealous and the mom looks like she's having a great O, but still, nobody says a damn word! Mike finishes once again and sits back down. Feeling very satisfied he leans back and looks out the window. He sees that it has started raining and immediately jumps up and pulls out the jar of Vaseline. Seeing this the dad yells out "OH, FOR FUCK SAKE!! I'LL DO THE GODDAMN DISHES!!!"
A Famous Armorer Was Called To Court...
…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner’s heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried “This is why we can’t halve nice things!”
Why Do Bees Sting?
They can't bite because all that honey rotted their teeth. (From my 7 year old niece)
A New Preacher Moves To Town.
A new preacher moves to town. He decides to meet his congregation by going door to door. He walks up to the first house, knocks and a little old lady answers the door. She gasps, "Conway Twitty is at my front door!" The preacher stops her before she continues, "no ma'am, no. I get that alot but I am not Mr. Twitty. I am the new preacher." They chat awhile and then he moves on to the next house. The same thing happens with a middle-aged housewife. The preacher explains himself again. They chat a little about the church and finally the preacher moves on to the third house, knocks and a beautiful woman answers the door wearing nothing but towel and exclaims "Conway Twitty!"
"Hello darlin'."
Two Atoms Are Walking Down The Street...
The first atom says "hey, you just stole my electron!" The second atom says "are you sure?" The first atom says " yes, i'm positive."
What's The Best Way To Figure Out If Someone Smokes Marijuana?
Start a conversation with them and wait a few minutes. They'll tell you. Repeatedly.
What Do You Call It If You Were To Second Guess Your Decision To Book Time At A Native American Community?
That's a reservation reservation reservation.
(Credit to Brian Regan)
A Penis And A Condom Walk Into A Bar And Spend The Whole Night Drinking,
Come closing the penis tries to stiff the bartender... But his friend had him covered.
The Potato
A muscular man was walking on the beach one day looking for girls and no one would give him the time of day. He was about to give up when he saw a pale, skinny ginger in a speedo surrounded by beautiful women, laughing, hanging on his every word. When they left, the frustrated body builder walked over and shouted "what's the big idea?!?" "I assume you mean the women," he replies "it's simple! Everyday I walk around with a potato down my shorts and they all come running!" The muscle man takes this advice and walks off. The next day the body builder grabs the ginger fellow at the surf shop and puts him up against a wall "what the hell?!? I did what you said and the women still wont talk to me! It's worse than yesterday!" Wheezing, the puny guy whispers "potato goes in the front..."
Meta Question - How Does JokeOverExplainbot Work?
Like I understand how the Dadjokes bot works, you'd just need a repository of randomized phrases to be said upon summoning it, but the explanation bot actually forms coherent sentences with flawless grammar structure, many sentences at that.
How does it work? How does it understand humor?
John Had Just Moved To An Old Mining Town.
He looked for jobs and eventually found a station. The station hired him as a miner for coal. He was elated and began his shift immediately. After a hard days work he went to the towns local pub all covered in soot. As he asked the bartender for a drink the bartender scowled and said, "And what do you think you're doing, get out of here!" He was befuddled as to why he was treated like that and got kicked out. He figured that he was a new comer to this town and found a place of his own to stay.
As a week passed he attempted to get a drink again at the pub and was kicked out yet again. After that he tried again after his long hard shift at the mine to get something to drink but to no avail. Finally one day he went a man outside the pub and asked him why he was not allowed to get a drink. Hearing this the man ponders for a bit and finally says,"Ah you must be John, the new guy. The reason you can't get a drink is because of your job." "My job?" "Yes, the pub doesn't serve minors."
Two Guys Are Chillin' At A Bar Whilst On Vacation. Guy #1 Orders A Rum And Coke, #2 Just Has A Coke. 1:Seriously, Man? We're On Vacation! 2: Yeah, But I Been Wasted All Week. I Figured I'd Have Coke For A Change Of Pace.
1:Ah. 2:Couldn't find any dealers, though, so I'm stuck with soda.
America Is Going To Suffer If Donald Trump Becomes President.
You could say they are going toupée for it.
The City Of Chicago Is No Longer Giving Speeding Tickets...
Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
A Man And His Wife Are Setting A Password For The Computer
the man types " MY PENIS" for the password of the computer. Suddenly, the woman starts laughing. The computer screen reads " ERROR PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH"
Friday, March 25, 2016
If Someone Really Ticks You Off, Feel Free To Vent And Send Them A Little Something To Let Them Know That They Have Some Changing To Do!
The contractor that you really liked at the proposal stage, but by the end of the job was the reason you developed a tick and put on 20 lbs
Based On A True Story About My Great Grandmother
An old woman is having trouble sleeping, and she goes to a doctor for help with her problem. The doctor suggests having a glass of wine before bed to relax her. The woman had never been much of a drinker, but she agreed to give it a try.
She comes back to the office a week later, and the doctor asked how the treatment went. She said, "It was amazing! One glass and I'd be out cold almost immediately. One annoying thing though, it was pretty hard to open. Is there some sort of tool that can help you get the cork out of the glass?"
It's An Army Captain's First Day As Company Commander.....
He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."
A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."
He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"
The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "
A Husband Is Having Trouble Getting An Erection
A husband and his wife are having trouble with their sex life because the husband is having trouble getting hard. He has been to the doctor for Viagra and nothing has been working. So he confides in one of his best friends about it and the friend tells him he had the same problem and that he found a guaranteed cure. He tells him that to get an erection all you need to do is smell your wife's lady parts and you'll be ready to go. So the next night when his wife is asleep he pulls her pants down and takes a big whiff. Immediately he gets an erection and in his excitement he tells his wife to wake up because he has something to tell her. The wife sleepily turns on a light and asks the husband why he's waking her up for a bloody nose.
What's The Difference Between A Banana And A Bann?
A banænæ grows on vines.
I'll show myself out........
Beggar Joke
Beggar to Passerby: Spare some change sir
Passerby: Why dont you get a job instead of this
Beggar: This is my job
George W. Bush Challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger To A Push-up Contest.
George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.
Three Turtles Walk Into A Bar...
One of the turtles goes over to a piano and starts playing it. The other two start singing along with the piano with amazing voices.
The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. He walks over to the two turtles singing and says "You guys are incredible! Where'd did you learn how to sing?"
One of the singing turtles stands up, points over to the turtle playing piano and simple replies "he tortoise"
Once, Long Ago, There Were Two Nation...
The nation called Archimedal was in the west, with rich resources and beautiful forests and rivers and mountains. The nation of Newtonia, in the east, was much more industrialized. They had factories and cities, and all their forests had been razed for lumber. They were at war with each. Archimedal wished to learn the industrial techniques of Newtonia, and Newtonia longed to acquire the vast resources of Archimedal. Unfortunately, between the two nations was the vast Sea of Hyperbola. The only possible way to get from one nation to the other was by boat. Archimedal couldn’t create good enough boats to get to all the way to the other side, and Newtonia had to few resources to use its industry to construct warships. Fortunately for both, right in the middle of the Sea of Hyperbola, was the large island Pythag. It was miles wide, with rivers and lakes and forests and beaches and even a mountain. The mountain was on the northern end of the island, and, growing at the very tippy-top, was the tallest oak tree anyone had ever seen. It was so tall it could be seen from the shores of both Archimedal and Newtonia, as far away as they were. Both nations wanted the island as a base, so as to be able to sail from there and then onto the other nation. The two kings of Archimedal and Newtonia rallied their forces and sent them off the claim the island. Archimedal sent 15,000 knights, with all their squires and cooks and armorers off to fight, while Newtonia sent their entire army of 25,000 Knights, with all their retainers and wives and squires and even the peasantry that lived in the lands held by the knights. All in all, Archimedal sent a total of 100,000 people off to conquer the island, and Newtonia sent 300,000. Meanwhile, as the two nations were filling their ships with food and drink and livestock, the knight of the island of Pythag, was watching the two massing armies. Unbeknownst to either nation, the Island of Pythag was a sacred place, as designated by the Great Spirit Hoken. The Knight of Pythag had been stationed on the island to help protect it from invaders. This noble knight was all alone on the island, except for his single squire, a young lad, barely having reached the age of 16. It was this boy that had first seen the rallying troops, as he patrolled the edges of the island on his daily route. As soon as he saw them, he rushed to the knight. “Sir!” he exclaimed, “The two surrounding nations are preparing for war, with us in between. I fear they may try to claim the island as a means of providing support.” The old knight, having known for some time this would happen, simply said to his squire, “It need not concern you, if you but do what I ask. You must take our cooking pot, and this rope, and put them in your traveling pack. Take care you do not lose either one, for if you do, all hope is lost.” The squire took the rope and the pot and placed them gently in his pack. “What will this accomplish, sir?” he asked. “By themselves, nothing,” said the knight, “Which is why that was merely the first step in the journey of protecting this island. Next, you must take the rope and the pot up to the northern part of the island, where you will find the island mountain. Up to the top you must climb, and what a perilous climb it will be. Howling winds and wild wolves and paths blocked by rocks and ice could all try to prevent you from reaching the summit. You must not let them. For once you reach the top, you will find the tallest oak tree you have ever seen. You must climb to the top of that tree, with the pot and rope and tie the pot to the very top branch using a noose. You must be very sure to tie it very tight, and it has to be a noose, no square knots or bowline knots. Once you have done that, look to the east, then look to the west. You should see a large eagle flying about the tree. Grab onto one of his legs, and use it to descend swiftly to the bottom of the mountain. Then, quickly make your way back to our camp so we can prepare to defend the island.” The squire had no idea how this would help, but knowing how wise the old knight was, he started on his journey. It was a long journey. He climbed hills and forded rivers. He felled trees and hunted deer for food. Many days past. Luckily, both the Nation of Archimedal and the Nation of Newtonia had very slow moving ships, and they were very far away. On his way to the bottom of the great hill, the young squire saw an owl flying overhead. When he finally made it to the bottom of the great mountain, he saw a long, winding path leading up to the top. He climbed and he climbed and he climbed all day. But in the end, he had made little progress up the side of the mountain. As he was laying down to sleep that night, he heard a rumbling noise. He looked up. There was an avalanche headed down the mountain side, right for him! He quickly scrambled to gather up his things, taking particular care to grab the cooking pot and rope before dashing back down the hill. Mid-way down, he stumbled and began rolling. Down and down he rolled, until he hit the bottom of the hill. As he stumbled up and began running away from the avalanche, a single tear rolled down his cheek. He would have cried more, but he knew that he had to be strong. He had to find a new way up the mountain, now that the path was covered. Instead of letting himself get some sleep that night, he made his way wearily around the mountain, searching for another path. By the time the sun had risen, he still had found no such path and was forced to conclude that he would have to make his own. So, he set on up the mountain, trying to take the easiest path possible, for he knew it would be a long journey. Up and up he climbed, day after day. Once, he thought he saw the eagle the old knight had spoken of, circling high above his head. But when a tried to look closer, he saw nothing at all. The night he finally made it to a spot half way up the mountain, as he was lying down to go to sleep, he noticed a strange rock on the ground next to him. It was in the shape of a nearly perfect 'H'. For reasons unknown to him, his eyes began to brim. The second tear of the journey fell from the corner of his eye. Maybe it won't be here in the morning, he thought. He told himself to hold it together, and promptly fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke the 'H' stone was still there, not having moved from the night before. Feeling ashamed at having been so dimwitted as to think a rock could move by itself, he began again on his long ascent up the mountain. He passed many dangers going up; snakes and scorpions and wolves and bears. But he wouldn't let any of them frighten him. Until finally, he reached the top of the mountain. There, just as the old knight had said, was the tallest oak tree the squire had ever seen. The young lad wept a third tear as the longest part of his journey was over. Now all he had to do was climb to the top of the tree. He soon found that that was more easily said than done. For while the bark of the tree provided adequate hand and footholds, the sap and branches seemed to cling to him as he climbed, and poked at him and held him back. As he was whipped in the face by a branch for the fifth time, he made up his mind. He was going to finish this climb today, or never. He fought his way boldly through the thick branches on the lower part of the tree, then began to carefully climb the rest of the way, with narrower branches. About half way up, he saw a sparrow resting on a branch on the opposite side of the tree as him. As he watched it, it began to call out in tis song. He listened, then, without so much as a noise, crept over to it to watch it more closely. It sensed his presence, however, and quickly took flight as he neared it. It swooped low down over the trees in the forest, and the squire watched it go. He began to shed his fourth and what would hopefully be final tear of the long hard journey. He was swept with a sense of awe as he gazed at the island he called home. There was so much beauty. He couldn't let it get destroyed by invaders. With renewed strength, he began climbing again. As he reached the top of the tree, he looked out, over the island once again, knowing that he would probably never see this view again. However, knowing that he didn't have all that much time, he quickly slipped the rope and pot out of his pack and tied the rope into a noose around the top most branch of the tree. He hung the pot from the noose, high above the rest of the island. Just as he was checking to make sure the pot was secure, he spotted the eagle the old knight had told him about. Using the old bird languages he had learned form the knight, the young squire called the bird over and grabbed its leg. The bird barely even dipped in the air as the squire clung to it, for it was old and incredibly strong. It knew right were to go. The squire was overjoyed to not have to make his way back across the island as the bird carried him back to the campsite the knight was using. They descended a little rough, but nothing the squire couldn't handle. "Your back." said the knight. "Good. For tomorrow the armies of Archimedal and Newtonia wll land on the island. Did you succeed in your task?" The squire told him that he had, but he still had no idea how that was suppose to help. The knight did not answer. He merely set about preparing for them a modest dinner of bread and cheese. That night, the squire stirred in his sleep, worrying about the coming battle. When they awoke, it was to the sound of war horns. The time had come to fight. Now, this wasn't exactly the most important battle ever, and knights were of royal blood, which nobody wanted to spill. So the knights sent out their squires to battle for them. The squires of Newtonia rushed forward onto the island near where the old knight and his squire stood, just as the squires of Archimedal did the same on the other side. The old knight quickly got out of the way, leaving his squire to himself. But not before telling him, "Remember: when things seems darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot." Still unsure as to how this would help, the squire assured the old knight he would, and told him to stay safe. Then the tides of battle reached the young squire, and he found himself swept up. Both armies were fighting to gain an advantage on the other, and to do that, they had to take the area he was standing on. He couldn't let them do that. He drew his sword and began to try to drive them back, both sides. He quickly grew nearly exhausted from the effort, and yet both armies seemed to limitless. They pushed into the island, far and wide, long into the day. By about 5:00 at night, the squire realized they were on almost the same path he had taken to the mountain. They were driving him there! He couldn't let them get there. If the did, they would win. He could not hold them off ot the entire mountain. With this thought, he felt some of his strength come back and he began fighting anew. He manage to drive the armies back a few feet, but seemed that for every five feet he drove them back, they drove him another 12, or 13 feet the other way. As dusk fell, he nearly stumbled to ground, knowing how difficult his fight would be in the dark. But he held his strength, for he knew he must not lose this battle. They fought all through the night, long and hard. Then, just before dawn, the squire stepped back and felt a rise under his foot. The mountain. They had driven him all the way there. He nearly lost all courage then and there. But then he remembered the old knights words: "When things seem darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot." Well, didn't people always say it was darkest before the dawn? He chanced a look up the mountain. Just as he did so, the sun broke over the top of it. It shined in all its glory. The two armies were both blinded by the light as the young squire looked up at the pot he had hung from the noose, way up high. He found himself filled with a new strength, a stronger strength. Suddenly his sword didn't seem so heavy, and his eyes not quite so tired. And the legends of Newtonia and Archimedal say he fought with the strength of 10,000 men, holding both of the armies at by all by himself. So ferociously did he fight that the opposing armies fled and sailed back to there own lands, never attempting to take the island again. When the battle was over, the young squire returned to the old knight, who as sitting in there camp. "What happened to me?" he asked, for he was beyond a clue. "Think it through," said the knight, "think it through and it will come to you." The squire sat and thought, and sat and thought some more. Until finally, he jumped to his feet, one last tear in his eye, as he said, "I've got it! I know what happened." The old Knight smiled at him, and said, "So now you know it is true that the squire of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squire of the other two sides.
What Did The Customer Say To The Barber After Looking At A Facial Hair Catalog?
I moustache you a question about this style shown here, good sir.
A Guy Named Billy
A guy Named Billy Had a 10ft willy and took it to the neighbour next door She thought it was a snake She hit it was a rake Now its 6 foot 4
(Heard this when I was in primary school no hate :)
What Does A Gynecologist And A Pizza Worker Have In Common?
They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.
A String Walks Into A Bar...
...The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve string here." The string gets up, goes outside, pulls his ends apart, ties himself into a knot, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that string from earlier?" The string says, "I'm a frayed knot."
A Man Hears A Knock At The Door.
He opens the door and there is no one there so he closes it and walks away.
A few moments later there's a knock at the door. He opens it and finds no on there. Just as he goes to close it again hears a sound.
"I'm down here!"
The man looks down to see a snail on his doorstep.
The man asks the snail, "why'd you knock on my door?"
The snail replies, "well I've been living in the garden in front of your house for a few years now and I knocked to ask you a question. Would I be able to come and live in the house with you?"
The man suddenly yells at the snail, "NO!" And with that he gives the snail a hard kick. The kick sends the snail flying past the garden, across the road and onto the doorstep of the house opposite.
Days pass, weeks pass, months pass. Almost a year goes by and the man hears nothing from the snail. He begins to wonder if he had killed the snail or the snail had simply forgiven him and moved on. Then at that moment there's a knock at the door. The man opens the door to find the snail looking up at him.
The man looks at the snail and says, "yes?"
The snail replies,
"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!"
I Always Wanted To Be My Own Boss So Now I Run A Nonprofit
Not by choice, im just a shitty salesman.
My Wife Said If This Comment Is Gilded We'll Do Anal...
I sure hope it isn't, my ass'll be grass when she's done with it...
Life Teachings
Q: What do you call it when your child teaches you something they are interested in?
A: Learning from your mistakes.
What's Brown And Rhymes With Snoop?
Dr Dre
EDIT: I've just seen that there's currently an askreddit thread running about people's favourite jokes and this is one of the top rated comments, hand to God I didn't see that before posting. I heard this joke many years ago and every few months I remember it and laugh for days. Today was one of those days, so I thought I'd share.
Tonto Gonzales
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Thursday, March 24, 2016
There Are 8 Continents In The World
"There are 8 continents in the world"
"Well, what's the 8th?"
"North America"
I'll Make The Punchline, You Create The Set-up.
And that's how I found out... what toxic shock means.
Husband Went To The Sheriff's Department To Report That His Wife Was Missing.
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
Two Japanese Sewer Workers
Two Japanese sewer workers started at the same time every day, shared the same locker room, worked in the same sewer, ended at the same time and never once spoke a word to each other. Fifty years later, they both retire on the same day and as a cost-cutting measure the company has a single retirement party for both of them.
At the party, they're chatting away to each other, laughing at the other's jokes and having a great time. A confused colleague approaches and says "I though you guys hated each other, fifty years and I've never seen either of you speak a single world to the other!" to which they reply:
Until now, we've been but two Nips passing in the shite.
I Went And Saw The New Karl Marx Brothers Play...
It was a physical comedy where everyone falls down the same flight of steps and gets an equivalent amount laughs.
If Pokemon Were Real Life...
... Michael Vick would be the very best, like no one ever was. To train them was his cause.
(OC) Insulation
A teenager peice of insulation is complaining to his father.
"Dad," he says, "you're so lame. You're not cool, and you always embarrass me in front of my friends."
His father, who is also insulation, replies, " Son, I'm doing asbestos I can! "
A Plane Crashes In The Pacific Ocean. Only Three Survivors Make It To A Desert Island
Two men and a woman.
Once they built shelter and get a fire going, the woman says to the guys: "I'm a nymphomaniac, I need sex, everyday." She then lays out the ground rules. One man would sleep with her on even days and the other on odd days. After a few weeks the woman dies. One man says to the other: "Don't know about you but I thought that odd/even days thing was pretty sweet. How about we keep it going?" - Not sure man, that's not how I roll. - Listen, sex is a natural, human thing. There's only the two of us here. Keep your mouth shut, I'll do the same. Who will find out? - Yeah, I guess. So there they go. Each taking their turn on their respective days. After a while one goes to the other: "Look, I gave it a shot but it grosses me out too much. I'm putting an end to this. I'm out." - Yeah I guess you're right. It is pretty gross. Come on, help me bury her.
American Songs
Three immigrants are attempting to get their American citizenship. As a final test, they must each go up to the clerk, in private, and sing an American song. The first two manage to finish with a passing grade, but the third friend fails.
They decide to go to a bar to celebrate and console their friend. The first immigrant admits he didn't know an American song, "... so I sang American Boy by Estelle."
The second admits that he didn't know an American song, either. "I sang White America by Eminem."
The two look to the third who said, "I sang Star Spangled Banner, but the clerk told me I wasn't allowed to make up my own song."
So A High School Has A Halloween Dance...
So a high school has a Halloween dance, and everyone showed up in costumes. Two students arrived who were both dressed as Boba Fett. They were both proud of their costumes, and became angry with each other. Soon, they starting fighting, and it escalated until they were chasing each other through the whole school. Eventually, they ended up in a chemistry room, where one of them knocked over some chemicals and started a fire. It quickly spread, destroying the entire school, sparing only the steel frame of the building. The next day, the newspaper headline reads Fett Duel Can't Melt Steel Beams
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Donation For Swimming Pool
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
My Daughter Asked If I Am Going To Die Someday
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.
You Don't Want A Virgin....
If she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for yours.
Did You Hear About The Commemorative Gun They're Making In Honor Of The Democrat Party And President Obama?
It's called the union worker You'll over pay It never works And you can't fire it
Doctor: "I've Got Good News And Bad News."
Patient: "Gee, Doc, what's the bad news?" Dr. "We're going to have to amputate both your legs." Patient "Shit! What's the good news?!" Dr. "The guy next to you wants to buy your slippers."
So These Parents Were Walking Their Child Out In The Park And Come Across A Couple Having Sex.
So these parents were walking their child out in the park and they come across a couple having sex. The child asks, "Mommy, daddy, what are they doing?" The parents look at each other and reply "they're baking a cake honey." The next morning the child comes up to his parents with a grin on his face and says, "I know you were baking a cake last night!" The dad asks, "oh, how do you know that?" The child replies, "Because I licked the icing."
*A joke my friend told me 7 years or so ago in grade 6, hope you enjoyed :D"
Hello. My Name Is John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. My Friend's Name Is Also John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
For the love of God, please stop shouting at me.
This Day 9-10-2001
Some poor bastard walked past their co-workers with all the stuff from their desk piled in a box with a pink slip on top.
Shitting From A Skyscaper.
Three men meet on the top of a skyscraper. One of them says: ,i can shit from the edge, run down the stairs, go outside and can still see the turd hitting the ground.' He goes ahead, shits from the edge, runs down the stairs inside the building and actually sees the piece of shit hitting the ground. He goes back to the top. Second dude say: ' I can take a shit, run down and can manage for the turd to hit my shoe.' He proceeds and does exactly what he predicted. Back upside, the last guy says: ,I can take a crap from here, run down and can still see my ass on the roof.'
This Guy At The Bar Yells In My Face "Have You Been Sleeping With My Wife?!"...
I said "No, she's always awake when I'm over there"
I Just Watched A Movie Following A Black Man In A Zombie Apocalypse.
It was the shortest movie I've ever watched.
How Many Freudian Psychologists Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
2 one to change the light bulb, and the other to hold the peni-- I MEAN LADDER
Wanna Here A Dirty Joke? Nsfw
A white horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? It took a bath.
If A Train Is Traveling At 80 Mph From Chicago To Cleveland, How May Flapjacks Does It Take To Cover The Roof Of A Doghouse?
The answer is:
Purple...because milk has no bones.
Guy Walks Into A Bar Joke.....
A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the night. The bartender thinks about it for a minute, then tells him "Ok, so there are 3 things I need you to do. First thing is that I am making a new cinnamon brewed atomic whiskey. last batch sent a man to the hospital as it was too spicy. I need you to taste the new batch and make sure its ok. Secondly, I have a mean guard dog out back that needs to have one of its front teeth pulled. Last person who tried was nearly mauled to death. Then lastly, there is a 94 year old woman upstairs that has never been with a man before. She wants have sex at least once before she dies. If you can do all 3 things for me, your drinks will be on the house all night." The man agrees on the condition that the bar tender lest him get drunk before starting his 3 tasks. After several shots, the man tell the bartender that his is ready for the atomic whiskey. he takes the shot, stand up, then tumbles to the back of the bar. as soon as he steps outside, there is growling and barking, but after a few minutes there is the sound of the dog whimpering, then silence. The man burst through the back door and says "Alright, now where's that bitch with the bad tooth!"
Jack Says To His Friend Mike, I'm Sleeping With The Minister's Wife. Can You Keep Him Busy In Church For An Hour After Service For Me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
50 Lawyers In A Room With 50 Lesbians
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
I Met The Donkey From Numbers 22...
He was a pretty cool guy...
What? Did you expect him to be an ass?
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Top 10 Reasons A Gun Is Better Than A Woman
You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
If you admire a friend's gun, and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Guns function normally every day of the month.
A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR THE GUN.
Two Jumper Cables Walk Into A Bar
What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar. "You guys better not start anything in here."
Met A Girl At The Park Today. It Just Felt Like There Were Sparks Between Us. And As We Lay Making Love A Short Time Later I Thought
"Damn, this taser was a good buy."
- Let's Get Wasted!
- No, I have a good job now, a great woman I love, and it's time to grow up.
- ????
- Just kidding, few min lol
A Rabbit Ran Wildly In The Street Why Are You Running Like Mad? A Bear Asked
.Don't you know, they are now arresting all camels and castrating them. But you're rabbit, not a camel. Right, but if they catch you, and cut off your nuts, then you can prove that you're not a camel
What's A Pirates Favorite Letter?
arrrrrrr?
you'd think that but it's actually P, because with out it they'd just be irate.
How Many Harvard Graduates Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Just one. He holds up the light bulb, and the world revolves around him
I'll see myself out
I Girl Asked Me To Wax Her Ass Once...
We went up to her room and started cleaning her statue of a donkey
Stephen Hawking Is An Inspiration
He's earned millions in the past 10 years without lifting a finger.
You Hear The One About The Kid Who Was Born With No Eyelids?
The doctor was able to make new ones for him with the kid's foreskin. When the parents asked if he'll be fine, the doctor replied, "Oh he'll be fine, he'll just be a little cock-eyed."
Two Guys Apply For A Job....(NSFW)
Two guys apply for a job, both equally suited.
Boss says "only one way to settle this. Ill pick a word in the dictionary and whomever makes the best rhyme wins. Word is 'Tenbucktwo'."
First guy says "see the desert, see the sand, see the traveling caravan. Camels walking two by two, destination Tenbucktwo."
Boss said, "wow, you won!" But the other guy objects "no, sir, you have to give me a chance!"
Boss says "ok, but it'll be hard to beat that."
Other guy thinks for a second and says, "ummm....uhhh...Uh-campin', Tim and I went, when we come upon three whores in a tent. Well, the whores being three, and Tim and I being two, I bucked one and Timbuckedtwo."
Who do you think got the job?
Monday, March 21, 2016
A Little Silver-haired Lady Calls Her Neighbour And Says "please Come Over Here And Help Me. I Have A Killer Jigsaw Puzzle, And I Can't Figure Out How To Get Started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh
............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
It Was A Mailman's Last Day On His Route After 30 Years.
He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved onto the next house.
At the next house, he was greeted by a family who handed him a card. It was signed by everyone and thanked him for his service. A tear rolled down his cheek as he read it.
At the next house, he found an absolutely gorgeous woman dressed to the nines. She grabbed him by the hand and lead him up to her bedroom where she treated him to the most amazing sex of his life. Afterward, she handed him a dollar bill and took him to the kitchen where she cooked him a wonderful meal.
Surprised, the mailman asked "What was that for?"
The woman responded "We heard that you were retiring and everyone in the neighborhood was doing something nice for you. I asked my husband what we should do and he said: 'Fuck that guy. Give him a dollar.' Lunch was my idea."
A Man Gets Home From Work...
he walks inside, takes off his coat, grabs a cold beer, and walks out to his rocking chair on the porch and takes a seat. As he is relaxing, he notices his neighbors little boy Billy walking past his house with some duct tape. The man shouts out to the boy, "What you got there Billy?".
"Duct tape"
"What you doing with duct tape son?".
"Gonna go catch some ducks".
The man laughs to himself saying "That's not gonna work."
About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 ducks wrapped up in some duct tape. The man thinks to himself, "There is no way".
A little while later, here comes Billy again holding some chicken wire.
"What you got there Billy?"
"Chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
The Man laughs and shouts to Billy "You know that's not how you catch chickens." The boy ignored and went on his way.
About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 chickens caught up in some chicken wire. The man looks out in disbelief. "How'd you catch those Billy?"
"With the chicken wire." The man is astonished.
A couple minutes later, here comes Billy again holding a flower. "What you got there Billy?" The boy replies, "A Pussywillow". The man shouts back, "Hold on, I'll get my coat."
Dad Asks Me Have You Heard Of The New Movie Constipation? I Was All Like What, No.
And he said, It never came out.
Custer's Last Words
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the confused artist.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist "His last words were - Holy cow! look at all those fucking indians!"
Lady MacBeth's Dog
Lady MacBeth had a dog named Princess.
Princess was just lying on the lawn minding her own business, when MacDuff's dog came along and started trying to hump her.
Princess said, "Out damned Spot!"
Post Your Best "Jared Fogle" Jokes!
Here's mine:Jared Fogle loves to eat little girls ham sandwiches.
One Lovely Day, Mother Was Taking Her Daughter To A ZOO... (only For People With Good Stomach)
... while walking trough the Zoo, little girl saw some chimps in the cages having sex. The curious little girl asked her mother what were they doing. "Ahh..." she murmured. "They are making cakes, my dear." Later that day, little girl, together with her mother and father was enjoying some family TV time. Suddenly a un-censored sex scene emerged on the TV screen. "What are they doing dad?" little girl asked. "They are making cakes my dear." Father replied. Next morning while having breakfast all together, little curious girl asked her parents a uncomfortable question indeed. "Have you've been making cakes last night, mom?" Confused mother answered "yes my dear, we have... How do you know?" "Well... I've licked all the cream that was left"
I Heard This In At The Barber Shop From An Old Patron, It's My Favorite Joke.
There's a butcher tending to his shop when a dog walks in.
The dog has a note in his mouth, with a $10 bill attached.
The butcher bends down and picks the note out of the dog's mouth, reading aloud he says: "2 pork chops please" and the dog sits.
The butcher, highly impressed, packages two pork chops for the dog, wraps them up and gives the bag to the dog who picks it up and exits the shop.
The butcher was so blown away that he decided he was going to follow this dog on his journey home, and closed up shop.
With the butcher following on the way home, the dog stopped at a stop sign and waited for traffic.
The dog got to a stop light which was red, he waited for it to turn green before crossing the street.
The butcher couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Dog stopped at a bus stop, a bus bus pulled up with the dog remained on the bench. When the next bus came the dog got on and, so did the butcher.
After about five or six stops, the dog reaches his destination and him and the butcher exit the bus.
The butcher follows the dog 1 or 2 more streets around the corner, and stops short of the house at the end of the driveway.
So the dog walks up to the door, he sets the pork chops down and scratches at the door. Nobody answers the door.
The dog stood on his hind legs and scratched harder on the door. No answer.
Frustrated, the dog goes to the side of the house and uses his paw to tap on the window. He goes back to the front door, but nobody answers.
The dog begins to become frantic, and starts to hurl his body at the door slamming into it as loud as possible. He slams and slams and slams.
After about a minute of this, finally somebody opens the door. The dog's owner was not happy to see him, he immediately started to yell and hit the dog, calling him a complete idiot.
The butcher, who is all this happening, ran up the driveway to the owner of the dog to get him to stop. "No!" He exclaimed, "This dog is a genius! I just followed him home, you wouldn't believe what I saw him do to get here!"
"Oh really?!" Says the owner, "Well this is the third time he's forgot his keys this week!!"
Edit: glad you guys liked it!!
I Stopped Gardening Because My Flower Colours Weren't Vibrant Enough
I just couldn't see a bright fuchsia in it.
My Favourite Joke When I Was 9. "Doctor, Doctor, I Feel Like A Row Of Theatres"
"Did it happen suddenly?"
"No, it came on in stages"
God See's Adam Feeling Depressed, And He Decides Help Him Out.
God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".
Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"
God replies,"An arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"
Two Flies
Two flies were sitting on a turd. One of the flies farts. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here."
Two Flies
Two flies were sitting on a turd. One of the flies farts. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here."
"I've Been A Very Bad Girl. I Need To Be Punished." She Said...
"Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
A Jewish Man Is On His Death Bed.
A Jewish man is on his death bed and calls for his wife. Wife: Im here darling. Man: Are my kids here in this room? Wife: Yes of course they are love. Man: What about my grand kids? Wife: Yes darling they are all here. Man: What about my 2 brothers and sister? are they in this room? Wife: Yes dear we are all here with you. Man: Then why the hell are the lights on in the living room?
Two Condoms Walk Past A Gay Bar...
One turns to the other and says 'Wanna go in there and get shit faced?'
Two Alligators
So Two Alligators are eating a clown and one says to the other "Hey this taste funny?"
Hendrik Lorentz Walks Into A Bar...
He sits down at the counter.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
Lorentz replies "What do you expect? I'm barely moving"
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
12.
One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
Excuse Me, But Im Not A Gynecologist. I Know, Said The Old Lady. I Want You To Take My Husbands Teeth Out.
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
The Rude McD Employee
Why did McD fire the employee who had responsibility in the kitchen?
Because when someone ordered McChicken, he would flip the bird.
You Can Burn Up To 150 Calories Through One Vigorous Session Of Masturbation...
Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
Saint Peter At The Pearly Gates
Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartement she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartement, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here." St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in."
The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartement when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refridgerator on me and I wound up here." St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.
Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refrigerator..."
How To Break Up With Your Gf/bf:
You: hey, let's get to our chemistry class.
Them: what? But we don't have chemistry anymore.
You: Exactly.
A Lady Was Sleeping With Her Boyfriend And Her Husband Knocks On The Door
In a hurry, she hides him in the cupboard but his balls were left hanging outside. Husband: What is this? Wife: A new BELL, I bought today from the market, he he.. Husband shakes it to listen the sound, but nothing comes out. He hits it hard, no sound. He punches it, no sound. He punches it again The guy from inside shouts: Tring Motherfucker Tring
Why Did The Woman Leave Her Overweight Husband Unconscious In A Burning Building?
Because she couldn't stand him.
A North Korean Man Frequently Sneaks To The South Korean Capital To Gamble For Bakery Goods For His Family.
He is the seoul breadwinner
Paddy And Michael Are Out Walking When Paddy Falls Down A Well....
Michael shouts down "Paddy! have you broken anything???"
Paddy replies "No! there's nothing down here to break!"
The Man In The Closet Waiting For The Bus.....
a woman installed a brand new wall closet in her apartment. a few days after she noticed that each time the number 42 bus went by, the doors would shake and almost fall off...
she calls the shop and told them the story. " this doesn't happen on the number 41 bus. this doesn't happen on the number 87 bus.... only on the number 42 bus....." the owner of the shop said: "This is the first time i am hearing this, i must see this for myself"
When he got to the apartment he notices that nothing happens on the number 41 bus and neither on the number 87, but when the number 42 bus went by, everything shook.
he then decided he will go inside and see what is causing the doors to shake so much but as soon as he got inside and closed the doors, it become very very hot, so he took off his shirt... then his pants..... and last his socks and underwear.
in the meantime the husband got home and went to the bedroom, opened the closet and finds a naked, sweaty guy just standing there. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?!?!?"...
the guy replies: " Would you believe me if i said i am waiting for the number 42 bus?"
Sorry if i misspelled or anything.. English is not my main language......
Orange Organ
A guy goes to the doctor. "Doctor, please help me! My penis is orange!" The doctor does an exam and asks some questions... "Do you work with hazardous chemicals at your job?" The man answers "No, in fact I've been unemployed." The doctor says "What have you been doing?" The man answers "Just sitting around the house, watching porn and eating Cheetos."
A Couple Returns From Their Honeymoon
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”
A Sick Joke
A tramp shambles into a bar and approaches the bartender.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Could you give me one of those plastic takeaway forks you have back there?"
The barman warily hands over a fork and the tramp shambles out again.
Another tramp wanders in, asks for exactly the same thing and leaves with a fork as well.
This happens for a third time with yet another tramp.
As a fourth tramp shambles up to the bar, the barman says "Let me guess, you're after a plastic fork?"
"No, I want a straw."
"Why a straw?"
"Someone threw up outside but there's no chunks left."
[NSFW] What's The Difference Between A Woman And A Fridge?
A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
How Do You Know When A Womans About To Say Something Smart
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with , “A man once told me… “
My Wife Didn't Finish Her Morse Code Lessons Before Going Sailing.
She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.
The Chinese Guy That Worked At The Second-hand Store.
There was a chinese guy that wanted to work at a second-hand store in New York. But he couldn't really understand english. His boss said that the customer usually asks three questions. The questions and answers to these questions are usually: Q. HOW MUCH DOES THIS COST? A. Only 2 dollars Q. SHOULD I BUY IT? A. If you don't, somebody else will Q. OK I"LL BUY IT. A. Ok!
On the chinese mans first day on the job, a robber came into the store and asked: HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE? "only 2 dollars" SHOULD I KILL YOU? "if you don't, somebody else will" OK I'LL KILL YOU. "ok!"
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Some Translated Italian Jokes On The European Immigrant Crisis
Venezuela offers refuge to 20k immigrants. Now I want to see how you even get here.
France suggests bombing Syria. To drive out the last refugees.
Clashes on the border between Hungary and Serbia. If I were an Austrian archduke, I would stay home.
Merkel: "Refugees will change Germany". In particular, they need a goalkeeper and defender.
Putin, on the immigration topic: "If you need any gas..."
Thousands of refugees ready to walk 250km. The Kenyans are already ahead.
A baby named Hope was just born in Budapest station. She joins her two brothers, Werefucked and Ohshitrun.
Italian politician visits a refugee center. Now they want to help us.
Italian right wing politician: "I'd just take in immigrants with a mindset similar to mine." Well then, ISIS is pretty good.
A Nuance
So, two men are sitting in a room reading books, and one suddenly stops and asks:
"Hey, John, there's a word in my book and I don't know what it means".
"What word is it, Jack?"
"Nuance".
"Well, drop your pants and bend over".
"Why?!"
"You'll get it, just do it".
So, Jack complies, pulls down his pants and bends over. Then John suddenly slams his dick down Jack's asshole:
"You see now, Jack, you have a dick in the ass, and I have a dick in the ass... But there is a nuance".
A Couple Were Married And, Following The Wedding, The Husband Laid Down Some Rules.
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
Italy, Year VI Of The Fascist Era.
A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).
So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to write the address...
To The Almighty
Then he stops and thinks "OK. Where does the Almighty live? They say that all the big fish live in Rome."
And he writes:
To The Almighty
Rome
The postman receives the letter, reads this address, and figures out that it must be Benito Mussolini, the Duce, who was considered godlike.
When Mussolini receives the letter, he's moved and decides to send 250 lire to the poor farmer, to be more loved and to exploit the situation for propaganda. He also signs the letter with his autograph.
When the farmer receives the letter, he opens it and is ecstatic. After calming down, he decides to reply to send thanks.
So he writes:
Dear Almighty,
thanks from the bottom of my heart, this money will help my family survive.
Just one thing though. Next time you send money, please don't let it pass through Benito Mussolini's hands: that motherfucker stole half the money!
Air And Sex
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Pink Cottonballs
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Johnny.
At first he was a happy, normal boy, but then one day, before his 3rd birthday, his parents asked him what he wanted for his present.
"I want pink cottonballs," said Little Johnny.
"No way," said his parents, a little concerned by the odd request, "you're much too young for something like that!"
And so they got him a Big Wheel tricycle.
Little Johnny was furious, and so he took the tricycle up to the top of the big hill, rode it down the hill, and SMASHED it into a brick wall.
He broke his arm and spent a month in a cast.
A little while later, when he was almost six years old and his parents asked him what he wanted for his birthday.
"I want pink cottonballs!" little Johnny said firmly.
"No way!" said his parents, getting a bit angry, "You're a boy, and that's not a normal present for a boy!"
And so they got him a bicycle.
Little Johnny threw a temper-tantrum when he saw the bicycle and he took it up to the top of the big hill, rode it down the hill, and SMASHED it into a brick wall.
He broke his leg and spent three months in a cast.
Some time after that, Johnny was almost ten years old and his parents nervously asked him what he wanted for his birthday.
"I want pink cottonballs!" wailed Johnny.
"No!" said his parents, genuinely upset now, "You ask for that every year, and every year we say no! There will be no pink cottonballs in our house, young man, and that's final!"
And so they got him a really kickass dirt-bike.
Little Johnny, simmering with anger, built a ramp at the bottom of the hill, then he took the dirt-bike up to the top of the big hill, rode it down the hill, hit the ramp, did a sweet 360' freestyle flip in the air, and then SMASHED the dirt-bike into a brick wall.
He broke his both his arms and his legs and spent almost six months in traction.
A few years later, right before his 16th birthday, Johnny's parents asked him what he wanted for his birthday.
"Pink cottonballs!" shouted Johnny. "Pink cottonballs!" groaned his parents.
"No! Absolutely not!" said his parents, putting their foot down, "This obsession with pink cottonballs is unnatural! It is a disgusting, abnormal request and we will not be a part of it! You'll get a normal gift and you will like it! We mean it this time, buster!"
And so they got him a brand-new Toyota Vios. They even got him a pink one, hoping that would appease him.
But Little Johnny looked at the Vios with pure loathing. Why didn't his parents understand him? Nobody understands him! And so he took the car up to the top of the big hill, he spun a few donuts with it and then he rode it down the hill, and SMASHED it into a brick wall at 60mph.
This time, Little Johnny was seriously hurt. He broke his back and spent most of the next year in a body cast. During that time, his parents hired a therapist to try to cure him of his weird cottonball obsession, but to no avail.
Finally, Little Johnny was all grown up. He was almost 18 and ready to leave the nest and go out on his own in the world. In spite of everything, his parents hoped that this one time, he would ask for a normal gift for his last birthday at home.
"What do you want for your birthday, Little Johnny?" they asked.
"Mom. Dad. I love you guys. I know we've had our difficulties, but I am just asking you to accept me as I am. I may not be like all the other boys, but I'm still your son. Please, just this once, give me pink cottonballs for my birthday," pleaded Little Johnny.
Hearing this, his parents sighed in dismay. Then that dismay turned to anger. "NO!!" shouted his parents, "When you are 18, you can move out and buy all the pink cottonballs you want! But while you are living under our roof, you will abide by our rules! We will not enable your deviant lifestyle choices! We are still your parents and you still have to obey us. So there will be no pink cottonballs from us, ever!!"
And so they got him a totally pimped out Cadillac Escalade with spinning rims and a sick sound system.
Little Johnny sighed. He wasn't even angry about it any more, but still, he had to be true to himself. So he took the SUV up to the top of the big hill, rode it down the hill, and SMASHED it into a brick wall.
But, oh no.... this time, Little Johnny was mortally wounded.
As he lay in his hospital bed, the doctors allowed his parents to speak with him one last time to say their good-byes before he passed away.
When they entered the room, they saw their Little Johnny laying on the bed, broken and battered, and their hearts were filled with regret. Oh why hadn't they listened to their son? If only they had gotten him the present he'd really wanted all those many long years, he'd still be alive. Weird, but alive. At first, they didn't know what to say. How could they apologize for so many years of misunderstanding? But then curiosity overtook their grief.
So his parents leaned over his bed and whispered into his ear, "Please, Little Johnny, our dear sweet boy. Before you go, we simply must know why. Please tell us, why did you want 'pink cottonballs' for your birthday?"
And Little Johnny, with the last ounce of strength in his body, lifted his head off the pillow, and said:
"Mom.... Dad.... I... I....."
And he died.