Edit:Thnx for the gold stranger :)
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Thursday, June 30, 2016
Where Does Han Solo Go To Eat And Cool Down After A Hard Day's Smuggling?
Pizza the Hutt...................
My Sister Told Me She Is Going To Become Fucking Rich...
I didn't know she wanted to be a porn actress
I Live A Harsh Life.
My neighbor hates me Best and only friends has brain damage My girl refuses to shave her face, she looks like a squirrel Horrible job at a fast food restaurant Boss is greedy Failed the driver's test more times than I can count I have a Pineapple for a house
Daddy Is The Government Going To Keep Us Safe From Terrorists?
No son, they're busy protecting us from drugs and home made clocks.
I Was Suffering From Constipation The Other Day But I Really Didn't Care
In fact, I didn't even give a shit.
I Was Walking Through A Cemetery,
and I saw a guy crouched behind a gravestone, so I said "morning", to which he replied "no just taking a shit".
"This Is Your Captain Speaking..."
"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
The FBI Sends An Agent To Infiltrate The IRA
They know that he has to pass him off as Irish, otherwise they won't accept him.
So they send him first to random cities, where he learns the accent, the mannerisms. Few weeks later he starts to learn how to speak Irish.
He spends some time in the Gaeltachts (Irish speaking areas) of Galway, Mayo, Kerry. All grand, nobody suspects a thing. It's now time to travel up to Belfast to meet his IRA contact.
They meet and he speaks perfect Irish with the perfect accent.
IRA man goes, "sure, you're not Irish, are you?"
FBI guy is confused, he's spent so long working on his cover and should have been perfect. He asks, "what makes you think that?"
"Sure, aren't you as black as the ace of spades?"
Did You Hear About The Dyslexic Atheist?
He kept himself up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
A Man Is In Court
A man is in court.
The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have a hammer!!
*edit : Reformatted for your reading pleasure
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
How Do You Swat One Hundred Flies At The Same Time?
Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
If The Universe Was A Person, S/ He Would Have A Pretty Flashy Personality.
Because s/ he starts everything with a big bang
Why Shouldn't You Play American Football With Feminists?
Because they'll constantly shift the goal posts.
A Man Goes To Get A Few Things For His Wife Before Their Party
On his way back from the store a beautiful blonde woman starts flirting with him out of nowhere. Him and his wife haven't been getting along lately and he finds himself flirting back with her, suddenly hooking up with her and finally finding himself the next morning in her apartment naked, Desperate, he shakes her awake and yells "Where's baby powder do you have any baby powder?" She tells him where it is and he gets it, shakes some of it on his hands and runs as fast as he can back to his place. Once he's home his wife is standing there looking mad as all hell, so he explains, "Listen, baby, I'm so sorry I missed your party, I met this beautiful blonde girl and we fucked like rabbits all night long-" When she grabbed his hand and looks at him and says "Don't give me that shit! you've been out bowling all night haven't you?!"
I Am Eternally Grateful To Whoever Donated Organs For My Surgery...
I'll always hold a little piece of them close to my heart.
Whats The Difference Between A Hippy Chick And A Washing Machine?
When you drop a load in, it doesn't follow you around for 6 months trying to get spun.
8)
Julius Caeser And Alexander The Great Are In A Bathroom Together
They are both going pee in two urinals right next to each other. Alexander the Great leans over the divider looks at Caeser and says "My empire is bigger than yours"
A Man Had A Tapeworm And Went To The Doctor.
... to get it removed. The doctor said "I know exactly what to do, come back next week and bring me a lemon cookie and an apple." so the man did this. He gave the apple and the lemon cookie to the doctor and he told the man to drop his pants and bend over. First he shoved the apple up the man's bottom and then waited a minute. Then he shoved the lemon cookie up his butt and then told him he was finished but to come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie. The man did this. Once again the doctor told him to drop his pants and bend over. He inserted an apple, waited a minute, inserted a lemon cookie and then informed the man that he was finished and to come back next week with an apple and a lemon cookie. The man began looking noticeably frustrated. The next week the man, reluctantly showed up with the apple and the lemon cookie and the doctor did the exact same thing and when he was finished the man said "Hold up, this treatment is NOT working, the tapeworm is still in there and if I can be perfectly honest, I am getting pretty fucking tired of shoving apples and lemon cookies up my ass!" The doctor said "Not to worry, next week will be your final treatment, bring me an apple and a hammer." the man glared at him, obviously worried that he was going to shove that hammer up his ass. The next week rolled around and the man did what he was told once again. The doctor told him to drop his pants. He inserted the apple. waited a minute. waited another minute. during the third minute, the little tapework stuck his little head out of the man's butthole and said "Hey, where is my lemon cookie?" and before the worm could finish it's sentence proper, the doctor had smashed it's head in with the hammer. The End.
I'm Getting Really Sick Of All This Hate For Donald Trump.
It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.
Why Is The Hockey Hall Of Fame In Toronto?
It's the only way a Leafs will get to see the Stanley Cup.
My Ex-wife Still Misses Me
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
Ya see its funny because marriage is terrible.
Which Answer To This Question Is Funnier: Why Wouldn't You Buy A VW?
My brother and I both have humorous responses as follows:
- Because selling it again would be emission impossible
- Because if you wait you could buy the company
We'd like a reddit verdict on which is better before we get into fisty cuffs over it. Prevent a domestic and help us out!
A Husband And Wife Were In Their Bed
A husband and wife were both in bed reading a book. The husband let's out a emphatic sigh as he closed his book. His wife looked at him incredulous as she returned to her book.
He looked at her and said , "I know something that you can't do."
She said, "Oh what's that?"
The man replied, "I know there is no sentence that can make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife closed her book and looked at him. She asked, "Why?"
The husband gave her a smug face. "Because I know you can't."
The wife gave him a competitive smirk, "How about wager? If I can't make you happy and sad, you get whatever you want. If I win, then I get whatever I want."
The man exclaimed, "Deal! Now what can make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said simply, "You have the biggest dick amongst your friends."
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Mrs. Jones Returns Home After Her Visit With The Gynecologist
Mrs. Jones returns home after her visit to the gynecologist.
Mr. Jones notices a distraught look on her face and asks, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She replies, "Well, I've got bad news. My gynecologist told me I can't have sex for two weeks."
So Mr. Jones says, "But what did your dentist say?"
A Horse Walks Into A Bar And The Bartender Goes, "Why The Long Face?"
So the horse proceeds to rampage around the bar because he's a fucking horse.
Did You Know Wiener Dogs Are The The Breed That Bites The Most People?
Well, you would be pissed off too if your arms and legs were a foot long!
A Horse Walks Into A Bar And The Bartender Says, "Why The Long Face?"
And the horse says, "I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."
What's The Difference Between A Line Of Cocaine And Toronto Maple Leafs Tickets?
People would pass up the Leafs tickets.
Left Handed People Can't Do Anything Right.
That... that's it. That's the joke. You don't get it? Then you're probably left handed.
A Group Of Primary School Students Were Participating In A Local Spelling Bee.
A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."
Why Should Mexico Accept Syrian Refugees?
With the level of crime and political violence, they will feel right at home.
A Man Finds A Hair In His Chicken Noodle Soup...NSFW
He tells his waitress "fuck you" and leaves without paying. The waitress watches him leave and go across the street to a hotel.
After her shift, she goes to the hotel and explains the situation to the agent at the front desk. The agent is sympathetic and tells her the man's room number.
She goes to knock, but notices the door is already cracked open. She opens the door and sees the man performing oral sex on a woman with a hairy vagina.
"You sick fuck!" says the waitress, "You can eat hairy pussy, but you walk out on your tab because of a SINGLE hair in your soup?!"
The man wipes his mouth and says:
"Trust me sweetheart... If I find a noodle in this woman's cunt, I won't pay for this either."
This Joke Contains The F BOMB And The S Bomb
There were three brothers: Fuck you, Shit and Manners. One day they decide to go on a road trip. Fuck you decides to drive. Unfortunately, for Shit and Manners, Fuck you drives like a mad man. Fuck you made hard turns and stops that it go Shit car sick. Coincidently a police officer pulled them over for the reckless driving. Shit was on the car floor from all the turn ms so manners went back to help him while the officer approached Fuck you. "What's your name?" Asked the officer "Fuck you" said fuck you "I'm sorry?!" "Fuck you" Angrily, the officer asks "don't you have any manners?!" "Yes, back here picking up shit" Badum Ts
I Felt A Twinge Of Sadness When I Released My Daughter Would Be Leaving For College In A Year.
I have to wait a whole fucking year
Two Psychos Escaped From Asylum
Two Psychos, after spending a VERY, VERY long time in Asylum finally decide they don't want to be there anymore. So, to escape, they end up tunneling through the walls and running a good distance. They are finally at a point where there is a wide gap that is separating them from freedom.
The first Psycho jumps across and makes it. He turns around only to find out that his partner hadn't jumped.
"Hey man, come on!"
"No thanks. I am scared of heights. Besides, I can't jump anyways."
"Okay... okay..." The first psycho nods as he grabs a flashlight. "See this? I am going to turn it on. Once it's on, you'll see the beam. Walk across the beam and join me!"
"What, you think I am crazy?! You'll probably turn it off when I am halfway across!"
Two Talibans During The Night Watch...
One finds a dead rat and immediately swallows it with one bite. "You fucking stupid? Do you know how filthy this is? How many bacteria and microbes it can have?" says the other one. Scared and a little ashamed, the first taliban threw up. The second one immediately grabs the dead rat out of the goo: "Thank you for warming it up!".
I Had The Bottom Bunk In My College Dorm...
I was always getting fucked over by my roommate.
I'll see myself out...
A Taliban And His Wife Are Getting Ready To Go To Sleep At Night...
...but before that, the taliban goes out to pee. He returns back all wet. "Is it raining outside?" "No, it's windy..."
Monday, June 27, 2016
Her: "Will You Still Love Me If You Win 1 Million Dollars At The Lottery?"
Him: "Of course, baby! But I will miss you..."
Christy's Husband Wants To Get Divorced.
"No way, John!" says Christy. "Widow you took me, widow you leave me!".
My Mom Wanted To Send Me To A Program Last Summer For People With ADHD...
It was called a Concentration Camp.
Terrorists Of Reddit, Who Is The Most Stupid Person You Have Met In Your Organization?
Don't forget the name of your organization as well!
I Went To The Urologist Today
The doctor was a stunning, late 20s blue eyed blonde gal.
She said "Sir - stop masturbating."
So I said "Why?"
"So I can examine you."
The City
One day a man sat on his front porch watching traffic go by. When a truck stops on the side of the road with the words "keep the city beautiful" written on the side. The driver gets out of the truck and digs a hole then gets back in. A few minutes pass and the passenger gets out and fills in the hole. The men pull forward about ten feet and repeat the process. After the truck does this a few times the man on the porch gets up walks over to the truck. He knocks on the passenger side window and asks " what are you doing?". To which the passenger replies " well, we usually plant trees but the man who puts the tree in the hole called in sick."
The First Time They Took Their Son To A Nude Beach
the kid became wide eyed when he noticed all the naked ladies. Then he asked why some ladies' boobs were much larger than some other ladies' boobs. Mom, wanting to give a quick answer, said some women were not very smart but had big boobs to compensate.
Then he noticed how some men had large dicks and some had little ones. Mom, again, to get past the subject, said some men were not very smart, but had big dicks to compensate. The kid walks away, satisfied with his new knowledge.
Soon he came running back. "Mom, mom", he yells. "Dad is over there talking to a really dumb woman, and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."
My Friend Is Into Necrophilia, Pedophilia And Beastiality.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, he just fucks scrambled eggs.
Prostate Exam
A man goes to his doctor for his prostate exam. The doctor gets his glove and starts doing his thing, when suddenly, he finds a £50 note! The doctor keeps searching and finds a large amount of notes and coins at different amounts. After he's sure he got everything out, he counts it all up.
Doctor : I don't want to alarm you, but I just pulled £1999.99 out of your ass! Have you any idea why or how this happened?
Patient : I guess I'm just not feeling too grand.
Donald Trump Visits A Village In An Undisclosed Third-world Country.
"I bring you warm greetings from America!" Trump declares.
The natives respond, "Kazanga!"
"We wish you prosperity!"
"Kazanga!" they bellow.
"I promise years of economic benefit!"
"Kazanga! Kazanga!"
As Trump leaves the podium, he tells the chief, "That went well."
"Uh huh," the chief replies, adding, "Look out! Don't step in the kazanga."
TIL That Semantics Is A Contraction Of "Semite Antics"
That's not true, I made that up just now. You are a racist.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Once Upon A Time There Were Two Identical Twins
Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.
Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.
So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.
"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"
The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.
When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.
"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."
So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.
Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:
"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"
"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.
"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.
"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.
But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:
"Fuck off, you red-nosed bastard."
My Girlfriend Was So Naive...
I had to explain that 'blow' was a figure of speech.
Add your own! "My girlfriend/wife/partner was so naive that..."
My Friend Larry Says He Knows Everyone...
During President Obama’s inauguration, Larry told me, "You know, Obama and I are buddies." said, "Sure you are." He said, "No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me." Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama with his arm around the guy.
Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I like Jennifer Lawrence. Larry said, "Oh, she's a good friend of mine." I said, "Noooo!" Larry said, "C’mon". He drove me to Jennifer Lawrence’s house, where she opened the door, exclaimed “Larry!”, gave him a big hug and invited us in for drinks.
This was getting spooky. Larry seemed to know everyone! While at an Arnold Schwarzenegger press conference, just before the Governator started answering questions, he said "Hey, I see my friend Larry out there!"
I was already pretty impressed, but then one day, when Larry and I were having drinks and watching the news, Larry saw the Pope on TV and said something about their being friends. I said, "You can't know the Pope, too!" Larry said, "Wanna bet?"
Larry happens to be very well off, so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope's apartment. Larry said, "Excuse me for a little while" and disappeared into the crowd.
A little while after that, Pope Francis appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him but...you guessed it…Larry!
I was utterly amazed! I nudged a guy standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, "Look!" The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, "Who's that guy up there with Larry?"
How's A Fart And A Teenager Alike?
Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.
How Many Steam Employees Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Honestly Im not sure, they havent got back to me yet. It's been 3 weeks.
They Told Me If You Put Your Newborn In Front Of An Orphanage He Would Grow Up An Orphan
So I stuck my baby in the ATM machine so he could grow up to be a rich banker
A Man Goes To See A Doctor Because Of An Itch 'down There'
When the doctor receives his results from the lab he calls the man in to go over the results. The doc sits him down and tells him "I'm afraid you've contracted Shag."
The patient immediately has a puzzled look on his face. "Shag? What's that?".
Slowly, with a solemn look on his face, the doctor responds. "Syphilis, Herpes, AIDS, and Gonorrhea."
The patient immediately jumps up, "HOLY SHIT, WELL WHAT DO WE DO?"
The doctor calmly responds "Well, first we quarantine you, then give you a prescription of Pizza and Pancakes"
The man, confused and shocked, responds "Pizza and Pancakes? Why the hell would you prescribe me that?!"
With a serious look, the doctor tells him "That's all that will fit under the door."
Presidents Go To Meet God
So, one day, God gives special consideration and let 3 world leaders visit him.
After many things, Australian president ask: when can people of Australia live in complete harmony? God: in 50 years. So, president becomes sad, says: I can't wish to live that long. Second comes, UK PM. He ask the same question at some point as well. God: in 100 years. PM: I can't wish to live that long.
3rd comes US President. President: when can people of USA live in complete harmony? God: I can't wish to live that long.
What Is The Difference Between Batman And A Black Man?
Batman can go into a convenience store without Robin.
Man In An Empty Bar Starts Hearing Voices
They're saying "hey you look really good" and "nice tie, man". So the man says to the bar tender, "What the hell is going on? Who's saying all this stuff?" The bartender replies, "It's the peanuts sir, they're complimentary"
2 Programmers Hire A Prostitute
They are about to get busy with her, but she says, "I'm not doing it with both of you at once!" "Why not?" one of the programmers asks. She replies, "because i'm an exclusive or."
I Bought My Son A Puppy...
I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy
A Group Of Bikers See A Girl About To Jump From A Bridge.
Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give me your last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A Pastor Wakes Up In No Mood To Go To Work On Sunday Morning.
So he calls his secretary at the church and feigns illness. He says that he would dearly love to lead the services that morning but he was simply too sick. The secretary wishes him well and promises to make arrangements for a substitute.
Thus excused, the truant pastor goes to the country club for a few rounds of golf.
Meanwhile, God and Jesus are up in heaven looking down on their lazy servant with disapproving frowns. As he arrives at hole number one, God gets a devilish grin and says "watch this."
He tees off and scores a hole in one on his very first swing. He's shocked but very pleased and moves on to hole number two.
Jesus says to God "father, why are you rewarding this dishonest servant?" God simply winks, and the pastor scores yet another hole in one.
This goes on for all eighteen holes. The pastor scores at or below par on every one, and by the end of the eighteen holes he's set a new club record.
Jesus is quite upset at this point as he watches the pastor do a victory dance. "What was the purpose of that, father?" He asks.
God turns to his son and says "who's he gonna tell about it?"
Saturday, June 25, 2016
There Are Two Types Of People In The World
There are those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
10 Inches
The other day my wife and i were about to have sex for the first time. She said she wanted 10 inches and wanted it to hurt. So i stuck her 5 times then hit her with a brick
"Well Guys, I Gotta Get Going."
-Why?
"My wife hits me if I don't wash the dishes."
-And you let her hit you?
"OF COURSE NOT!!! I always wash them."
A Wife With A Drinking Problem
An angry wife was complaining about her husband, Paddy, spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, Paddy ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go!" cried Paddy. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Full Disclosure: This is not my joke I found it in an old magazine and thought Reddit would enjoy.
Three Girls Walked Up To Their Mother
Girl 1: "mom why is my name butterfly?"
Mom: "because when you were a baby a butterfly landed on your head"
Girl 2: "why is my name rose then"
Mom: "because when you were a baby I put a rose on your head:
Girl 3: "hurhh blagh huurgh"
Mom: "shut up brick"
Heaven Meeting Year 2015
Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems. The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...
So Jesus tell his apostle to go back to earth, find all the drugs they can and bring back to him. They all leave and after couple days start coming back.
First come back Peter , <<"knock knock" - "Who's there?" - "it's Peter" - "Good Peter come in, what do you bring?" - - "i bring some hashish from Morocco" >>
Then comes back James , <<"knock knock" - "Who's there?" - "it's James" - "Good James come in, what do you bring?" - - "i bring some cocaine from Colombia" >>
Also come back John with loads of Heroine , Bartholomew with a bag of amphetamynes and so on all other apostles bring loads and loads of drugs 'till Judas knocks the door..
<<"knock knock" - "Who's there?" - "it's Judas" - "Good Judas come in, what do you bring?" -
- "THE FUCKING POLICE, RAISE YOUR HANDS AND DON'T MOVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!" >>
Mark And His Friend Michelle
go to a costume party. When they show up Michelle is clinging to Mark's back. Someone greets them and asks what they're supposed to be. Mark says that he's a snail. The other guy asks "who's on your back?" Mark replies "Michelle"
Was Going To Go See The Pope The Other Day But Too Tired To Go...
...you could say that I was too pooped to Pope.
The Doctor Said I Had A Bad Case Of Kyphosis.
"Are you sure?" I said.
He replied, "Honestly, it's just a hunch."
This Joke Came To Me In A Dream
A DNA specialist and his assistant are working on a farm. The specialist says "I can't seem to get this combine to work". His assistant says "maybe it's the steering column".
I Just Held The Door Open For An Asian Guy. He Said, "Sank You," So I Punched Him In The Face.
I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
Trigger Warning.
The other day I was using the bathroom when all of a sudden a 1700's English colonial soldier appeared out of nowhere. He also brought along a plantation owner and a conservative politician also showed up. The worst part however was that the toilet paper roll was empty.
Yeah, Lisa "Left Eye" Died In A Car Accident...
Apparently, she was hanging out of the passenger side of her best friends ride.
So A Husband And Wife Are In Bed...
...and the husband says to the wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife wasn't listening, and says, "What?" The husband repeats, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife responds with "You have the biggest penis... of all your friends."
If You're Searching For Motivation And Positivity Look No Further!
Because you probably won't find any
Friday, June 24, 2016
An Old Man Lays Dying In His Bed With All His Close Family Gathered Around Him...
Dying man: My son... Are you here?
Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.
Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?
Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.
Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?
Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.
Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?
Snails
A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.
The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.
4 College Students Are Having A Great Time On Spring Break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
Anyone Know Any Good Anti Jokes?
Anti jokes are basically jokes that are so serious and deliberately not funny to the point where they are funny. Yeah its hard to explain. But I was looking for some good ones that aren't already on the anti joke website so share them if you know any.
I Used To Work As A Bed Salesman
One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.
Orthodontist
A guy is on vacation when he gets a huge toothache. He didn't know the language but went around looking anyway because the pain was too much, until he sees something that looked like a doctor's office AND had a huge fake tooth hung outside. He goes in and the doctor agrees to see him. "Doctor my tooth hurts so much please have a look!" The bewildered doctor replies "Huh? I know nothing about teeth, i'm an Obgyn". " What's up with the giant tooth outside then?!" "Well what did you expect me to hang up there??"
I Went To A Cemetery Today. The Entire Time I Was There My Phone Didn't Have Any Service.
I must have been in a dead zone.
I Feel Sorry For The Two Policemen Outside Number 10
Seeming David Cameron has a thing for pigs now.
On The Roof Of A Very Tall Building Are Four Men.
One is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
A Man Gets Sentenced To Prison..
And once he arrived he was escorted to his cell. As he walks in, his cell mate who was a big buff black guy gets up, walks over to him and says "Were gonna play house, do you wanna be the mommy, or the daddy?". The guy thinks for a second and replys with "well I guess if I have to, I think I'll go with being the daddy" The big black cell mate looks at him and says "Alright then, get over here and suck mommys dick"
What Happens When You Throw A Hand Grenade Into A Kitchen?
Well, the mess is the same but the annoying jabbering stops.
Four Teenage Girls Go To The Mall To Visit Santa During The Holiday Season. Santa Says The Same Three Words To Each Girl, Which Causes One Of The Girls To Get Upset And Leave Crying. Why Did Only One Leave Crying And What Did Santa Say To Her?
To the 3 girls: Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!
To the 1 girl: Ho ho ho, ho (whore) merry Christmas!
Two Surgeons Are Laughing During An Operation When A Dermatologist Walks By...
"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
After Getting Off The Ski Lift, My Mate Said "Let's Go Hit The Slopes!"
I'm like, "Why do you want to beat up those Japanese tourists?"
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Two Hunters In The Woods
Two hunters are in the woods. The first says "man I really need to crap but I didn't bring any toilet paper" the second hunter says "don't you have a dollar or something in your wallet?" Hunter 1 says "oh yea I'll be back" 10 or so minutes pass and the first hunter finally comes back with crap all over his hands. Hunter 2 says "what happened?!?" Hunter 1 " you try wiping with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
A Nervous Man With A Wooden Eye Is Alone At A Dance
He's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if she'd like to dance. She says excitedly "Would I?" and he says "Aw fuck off then you big eared bitch!"
A Motorist Was Pulled Over By A Traffic Cop.
"Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?"
"Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A String Walks Into A Bar
And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here." Frustrated, the string leaves, only to return an hour later. "Bartender, give me a beer" states the string. "We don't serve strings here" says the bartender. Even more frustrated, the string leaves the bar. An hour later, the string decided to try one more time, with the same result. The string steps out onto the sidewalk, ties itself into a knot, unravels itself above the knot, and immediately returns to the bar. "Bartender, give me a beer" demands the string. The bartender replies "Haven't I told you several times that we don't serve strings?" The string looks at the bartender and says "Frayed knot."
Donald Trump Pushes Jimmy Fallon Off A Cliff....
Jimmy fallon proceeds to open his mouth and yell "I'm Fallon son!"
A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there? A: I really wanna know. B: I really wanna know who? A: Who are you? B: Who who, who who.
A Boy Was Texting A Girl...
Boy: How do you spell me
Girl: M e
Boy: You forgot the d
Girl: There's no d in me
Boy: Not yet
What Would You Get If Geddy Lee, Neil Peart And Alex Lifeson All Died In A Plane Crash?
Take your time, there's no Rush...
Catch Her By Her Waist
Catch her by her waist... Bring her home.. Keep ur hand on her neck Put ur lips on her lips & have a ... ...nice drink...PEPSI
Obama Throws A Grenade At A Terrorist.....
The grenade explodes.... President Obama then proceeds to open his mouth then yells out "You got O BOMB'aD son!"
Donald Trump Was Playing Poker....
The dealer dealt Donald Trump a royal flush. Donald Trump throws the cards on the table. BAM Donald Trump then proceeds to open his mouth widely and say "You got Trump'd Son!"
What's Your Name?
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
A hippo weighs a ton while a zippo is a little lighter.
TBS Is Going To Air CS:GO Next Year. What Should TNT Host?
League of Legends.
Because they know drama.
Whats The Difference Between Pastor Maldonado And A Bus Driver?
One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.
What Is The Difference Between An Incompetent Marksman And A Constipated Owl?
One shoots but cannot hit and the other hoots but cannot shit.
A Man And Hells Angels
A man stands before St. Peter. St. Peter asks the man what did he do in his life. The man replied, "I went to such and such college, married and had two children, and became an accountant. Overall, I led a pretty meaningless life.
St. Peter then asks if he ever did an act of kindness. The man replied, "I once saw a woman getting insulted by a Hells Angels member. I decided to protect this lady's honor.
St. Peter looks puzzled for a moment, and then asks when did this act of kindness happen.
The man replies, "How do you think I got here?
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
When The Kid Graduated From High School...
his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper. "Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes." "Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know." So the kid went off to the Air Force.
When he returned after basic training, his dad asked him how it went. "Dad, I'm not cut out to be a paratrooper. When I got to the door to jump, I froze." His dad said, "When I was in the Air Force, we had drill sergeants who would help you jump. Didn't you have a drill sergeant?" "Uh, yes", the kid said, "and he came right up behind me and hollered - If you don't jump, I got 10 inches of hard meat that's gonna go right up your ass." "Well", his dad asked, "did you jump?" "A little at first", the kid replied.
Two Flordia Football Players Have Been Suspended For Saturday's Game Vs. Tennessee For Refusing To Take A Urine Test...
I guess you might say urine or your out.
A Kid Asks His Mother About His Cousins...
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"
So The Pope Is Doing A Crossword Puzzle When A Bishop Walks In.
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
What's The Difference Between A 5 Year Old Kid And A Bag Of Cocaine?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
Husband And AC Comparison
Position of husband is like a split A.C. No matter how loud he is outside, but inside the house, he is designed to remain silent, cool & controlled by remote.
An Atheist, A Vegan, And A Cross Fit Enthusiast Walk Into A Bar.
And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
In Honor Of The Papal Visit, I Submit The Worst, Longest, Most Tortuous Pope Joke I Know.
It's 1969.
China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.
Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.
See, he'd been up all night watching The Shoes of the Fisherman, and it was such a harrowing vision that he was determined that the pope, and only the pope, could broker a deal between two hostile nations. If you've not seen The Shoes of the Fisherman, it's a fine film with Anthony Quinn and there's international problems solved by the pope.
Anyways, Nixon rings up the Vatican and convinces the pope that he has to come to New York to visit the UN. Due to the tenuous situation, this visit has to be utterly secret. "It's brrrrrrrrrrr gotta be secret your holiness!" They've got a room for him at the Waldorf, it'll be a one day visit. Get in, get out, get a t-shirt.
The pope, who hadn't been to America in a good long while, accepts this mission. He throws on his red hat and cape, and he hustles to a cab stand.
"Where to?" asks the cabbie. The pope stammers, "just...just get me to Roma International please."
They drive in silence, and the cabbie looks in his rearview.
"Heyyyy...now wait-a minute! (the cabbie has an Italian accent. This isn't easily explainable) I a-know you! You..you're a famous man!"
The pope, terrified of breaking his cover before he's even left Rome, looks away and mutters, "No, no I'm not, must be someone else."
"Noooo! I a-seen you on the tv! Red hat...red cape...OH! You are Elvis Presley!"
"I assure you, I am not Elvis Presley!" says the pope, feelings a little hurt.
"Yes-a you are! You do the shuffles and the music, oh my wife gonna be so jealous!"
The pope scuttles out of the cab at the airport and hurries to the ticket counter. He orders a round trip to JFK, and the man at the ticket counter looks up and gasps.
"Signore! Don't I know you? Mama mia, I seen you on television last night!"
"No, sir. I assure you I'm nobody of any importance."
"Yes you are! You got the cape...you got the hat...oh madonna you are ELVIS PRESLEY!" He starts to squeal and hit the counter.
"SIR! PLEASE! Just...just get me a ticket to JFK!"
On the plane.
Pope's got his bible out, going over some choice passages, and the stewardess bringing coffee nearly drops it in his lap, crying, "Elvis! Elvis Presley is on my plane!"
The pope hisses at her to be quiet and could she please bring some more peanuts.
Harried and exhausted, he gets a cab at JFK. "Waldorf Astoria, please."
The cabbie, and we're talkin' the quintessential Brooklyn cabbie here, chews on his cigar and lifts his cap and says, "Sweet Jesus on a bus to Greenpoint! You're famous, ain't ya?"
The pope is nearly reduced to tears at this point. The cabbie continues. "You got dat red hat! You got the fancy uptown lady cape, only one man has the balls to carry that off, you're Elvis Presley!"
At the Waldorf, it all happens again. The clerk says, "here's the key to your room!" And in a sotto vocce whisper that echoes across the lobby, "..mister Presley!"
The pope goes up to his room. He wishes the president had never watched The Shoes of the Fisherman. He turns the key in the lock.
Two young chambermaids are making up his room. They spin to face him and erupt in shrieks. "Oh my god! It's....it's....ELVIS!" One flops on the bed and the other starts to slowly unlace her uniform.
The pope looks down, buries his head in his hands, comes up and says,
.
.
♫ Wiiiiiise...
mennnn.....
sayyyyyyyy...♫
What's The Difference Between Hanging With Friends And Jacking It On The Toilet?
One means you're taking a load off and shooting the shit, the other is taking a shit and shooting a load off.
I Opened A Window To Let A Fly Out...
and three more flew in, along with five mosquitoes, three ladybugs, a bird, and a Jehovah's Witness.
See You Again Bed...
It's been a long day without you, my BED, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again, when I see you again.
Little On The Nose That The Pope's Riding Around In A Fiat, Isn't It?
But then, I guess we know he's into that Fiat luxe.
They're Giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV Show
Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".
People Need To Realize That Racism Is A Complicated Is A Complicated Issue
It isn't just black and white
A Duck Walks Into A Bar...
He waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, now get out of here!", and kicks the duck out the door.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender is incensed. He picks up a hammer from behind the bar and chases the duck out of his establishment. "If you ever come in here asking for grapes again, I'll nail your bill to the floor!"
The next day, the duck walks in, waddles up to the bartender and says, "Got any nails?"
"No!", says the bartender.
"...got any grapes?"
My Friend Was Told By Her Doctor That She Was Morbidly Obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
These Hospital Bills Are Killing Me!
I'm starting to think buying a hospital wasn't such a good idea.
I Hate Those People Who Knock On Your Door And Tell You How You Need To Be "saved" Or You'll "burn."
Stupid firemen
I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared but others have pointed me to: OP OP2
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Should I Include "hard Working And Honest" In My Resume?
Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.
The Sweet Spot On A Woman's Body
My friend at work was telling me about an article he read over the weekend. Apparently there's a spot on a woman's body, that if you hit it just right it will make their legs turn to jelly.
It's called the chin
The Pope Goes To New York
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?'' The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.'' But the pope persists, ''Please?'' The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope.'' So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.'' Chief: ''What sort of problem?'' Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.'' Chief: ''Important like the mayor?'' Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?'' Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.'' Chief: ''Like the president?'' Cop: ''More.'' Chief: ''Who's more important than the president?'' Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!''
I Had To Break It Off With My Girlfriend. She Wouldn't Fake Orgasms.
I can't be with someone who doesn't care about my needs.
Comrade Ivanov Wants To Buy Some Butter.
He walks into a store and asks the storekeeper:
"Excuse me, comrade, isn't this the store that's out of butter?"
"Sorry, comrade, this is the store that's out of toilet paper."
The Pope And Darwin Meet In A Bar
Darwin says, "Hey Pope, I thought about it, and according to your theory, you came from incestuous ancestors, which had retard babies, so basically your ancestors are retarded humans."
Pope says, "And according to your theory, your ancestors are retarded monkeys".
I Was Just Reading About The Volkswagen Fiasco Recently, And Something Puzzled Me.
It's not like Germans to get gas emissions wrong.
A Comedian, A Rapist, And The President Of The United States Are In An Elevator ..
and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".
What Do You Call 717 Dead Hajj Pilgrims?
A good start. My grandfather died making the Hajj; he fell out of a guard tower. Where do Black Muslims go? The back of the stampede!
A Short History Of Military Budget Cutbacks.
In 2005, due to budget cutbacks the US army decided to start combining military occupational specialties within the computer science field into new MOSs. Soldiers that joined the army to write software now had to also know hardware. Soldiers that wanted to install cabling now also had to install fiber optic networking. Officers had to learn their new responsibilities just as their soldiers did in order to maintain a good work force.
In 2008, more budget cutbacks caused the same thing to happen. The soldiers doing hardware and software now had to learn how to install fiber optic cabling and do networking. Officers had to manage these new soldiers, but all worked out well.
In 2010, more cutbacks resulted in those same soldiers having to install network cabling that follow industry standard and insure all work is kept up to code. Officers took note and made sure their soldiers did their jobs correctly given the new responsibilities.
In 2015, more budget cutbacks caused the MOSs to only be available to the officer core. All of the titles have been combined to a single position typically filled by a single lieutenant. Every unit gets only one of these types of computer science officers. When the army needs support for hardware, software or any other computer type support they call the Software, Hardware, Information Technology, Industry Fiber-optic Installation & Networking Officer or SHITIFINO for short.
A Man Goes Into The Doctor's Office Feeling Really Bad.
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.
"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."
So While Lane Kiffin Was Managing The Alabama Offensive...
he had Nick Saban's daughter handling the D?
Did You Hear About The Clumsy Thief Who Stole Sculptures Of Famous People's Heads?
He eventually got busted.
When The Pope Talks About Politicians Working Together
Representatives of different professions in a Christian country were debating which profession is the oldest. The medical doctor said: ‘What was the first thing that God did with humans? He performed an operation – he made Eve with Adam’s rib. The medical profession is the oldest.’ ‘No, that is not true,’ the architect said. ‘The first thing he did was to build the world out of chaos. That’s what architects do – creating order out of chaos. We are the oldest profession.’ The politician, who was patiently listening, grinned and asked: ‘Who created that chaos?’
John Boehner Is Lucky Pope Francis Didn't Splash Any Holy Water On Him.
He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames.
The Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh."
A Guy Is Walking Through Mexico...
When he comes up on a Mexican man taking a siesta with his Donkey tied next to him. "Excuse me," the man says " Do you know the time?" The Mexican man looks up sleepily, grabs his Donkey by the balls, and slowly raises them up as if weighing them. " It's about one thurty. " Confused but in a rush the man thanks him and goes on his way.
Later in the day the man is returning on the same route and sees the same Mexican in the same spot with the donkey still tied up. " Excuse me, " he says "Do you know the time ? " Again the Mexican grabs his donkey by the balls, raises them up and says " It's seex feefteen. "
" OK, OK how can you tell the time that way ?" The stranger asks in bewilderment. Once more the Mexican grabs the donkeys balls, lifts them up, points and says " You see that clocktower way ever there ?"
edit: formatting
Two Kinds Of Girls
There are two kinds of girls in the world: Girls with big tits...and girls that get in the way when I'm trying to look at 'em !!
Monday, June 20, 2016
My Friend Asked What Would Get Black Walnut Stains Off Of His Driveway
I told him to call a cheap motel. If anyone would know how to remove nut stains it would be them.
Oh ! That's Dirty !
A. A little pricktease was lettin her boyfriend poke her when she felt his big dick start goin round and round between her legs. "Oh ! That's dirty," she said. "Do you want me to stop ?" he asked. She gave out a sly little chuckle and replied "I didn't say THAT---give me some more dirty fuckin--I'll tell you when to stop.
You Should Go To All Your Friend's Funerals...
...otherwise they won't come to yours.
EDIT: NOT MINE, a friend told me this one, he also heard it on the radio but doesn't know which context.
Mmmmmm---let Me Kiss 'em !!
Q. Do ya know when a strip poker game is starting to get good?? A. When somebody's got a big pair showin !!!
Lawyer Joke
You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
A Priest, A Doctor, And An Engineer Go Golfing
They get stuck behind a group of golfers who seemed to be moving slower than usual. One of the country club members explains to them that this is a group of blind men who lost their eyesight as firefighters. The country club allows them to use the course once a year free of charge. The priest immediately chimes in and says, "I am going to pray for these men everyday in my church to help their well being." The doctor then exclaims, "I am going to get the best medical care in the country to research a possible way to help these men." The engineer then says, "Why don't they just golf at night?"
The Hipsters Seceded From The USA.
After the hipsters won in the Flannel Uprising, Cascadia seceded. The first rules they instated did away with gluten and GMOs, making all our food organic. Soon this spread to meat itself, making the populace vegetarian. The unrest was palpable, though, so every year, for one night, all food became legal. Some called it the Food Relief Day, others the National Cheat Day, but I call it The Burge.
John Goes To Josh's Apartment...
... but he wasn't home, and the person who answered the door was Kate, Josh's wife. She just got out of the shower, so she had a towel around her sexy, sexy body when she answered the door. After a little bit of small and awkward talking, John couldn't resist and told her:
"I will give you a thousand dollars right now if you drop that towel"
She thought about it for a second and thought "hey, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars". She did what he asked, and was given the cash and John went back home.
A few hours later, Josh came home.
"Hey sweetheart! John dropped by earlier today."
"Oh, good! Did he bring the thousand dollars he owed me?"
There Are Two Types Of People In This World....
Those who are intelligent,
And those who believe there are 12 types of people in this world.
So In Other News, The New England Patriots Have Suddenly Requestong Resumes From VW Engineers
The Patriots are hoping to find an engineer that can make a ball read within pressure specs when connected to a pressure gauge, even when deflated.
A Drunk Man Is Walking On The Street
A drunk man is walking on the street when he spots a nun. He immediately walks towards her and puches her in the face, making her fall to the ground.
Not satisfied, the drunk man continues punching and kicking the nun, who does not resist, until he gets tired and then boldly proclaims:
I expected more from you, batman.
A Man Starts Having A Heart Attack Mid Flight...
Person: Is anyone here a doctor?
Vegan: I'm a vegan
Penguin Car Trouble
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Here Is An Old Joke My Old Man Used To Tell Me
There is a 4 year old, 6 year old, 8 year old, 10 year old, and me trying to catch a home run ball. Who gets the ball?
Me because fuck them
An Irishman Was Working At A Brewery...
...and fell in one of the beer vats and drowned. So the brewmaster visits the man's wife at home. When she answers the door, he tells her "Mrs. O'Leary, I've got horrible news for you. Your husband fell into a beer vat today and drowned." "Oh my god, that's awful," she cried. Through tears, she asked "well, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the brewmaster, "he did get out three times to take a piss."
The Intelligent Turtle Going To Bring A Soda
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Sunday, June 19, 2016
You Don't Hear Much From Our Vice President....
Obama zipped him up and he's a-biden.
Edit: typo. For you, grammar nazis.
What Did The VW Spokeswoman Say After The EPA Tester Discovered The Emissions Discrepancy?
Nothing, she was embarrassed.
A Woman At Work Got Really Angry With Me When I...
Politely held the door open for her. She must've been a feminist cos she got real mad and shouted at me "Do you mind I'm trying to take a shit! "
A Nurse Puts Her Hand In Her Pocket, Finds A Rectal Thermometer And Exclaims....
"Some arsehole's got my pen!"
Joke From My Management Book
A motorist was driving on the Merritt Parkway outside New York City when his engine stalled. He quickly determined that his battery was dead and managed to stop another driver who consented to push his car to get it started. “My car has an automatic transmission,” he explained, “so you’ll have to get up to 30 or 35 miles an hour to get me started.” The second motorist nodded and walked back to his own car. The first motorist climbed back into his car and waited for the good Samaritan to pull up behind him. He waited— and waited. Finally, he turned around to see what was wrong. There was the good Samaritan—coming up behind his car at about 35 miles an hour! The damage amounted to $3,800.
I Met A Red-neck American Priest Once Carrying A Bag Of Cement. He Introduced Me To His Sibling, Child And Spouse. Surprisingly...
they were quite smart for a ten-year-old downs syndrome choir-boy.
If you need the explanation: He got his mum pregnant with a baby boy who would, in turn, be his son who he then married.
Boom! A joke at the expense of a nation, homophobes, red-necks, priests, paedophiles, the disabled and...
What about the cement? I threw that in there to make telling this joke harder.
Why Is The Bass Player Stuck Outside?
he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway
"I Just Left My Job. I Couldn't Work For That Man After What He Said To Me."
Friend: "What did he say."
Me: "You're fired."
Amsterdam Is Like A Tour De France
- it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam
How Many Amateur Masochists Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
Only one; But it takes a WHOLE E.R. room to extract it afterwards.
Double joke! "whole... hole." it's a play on words ;)
The Most Toxic Substances Known To Mankind.
- Arsenic
- Cyanide
- Polonium
- Mercury
- The League of Legends community
Listening To The Pope On TV Reminded Me Of An Old Joke (repost Alert)
2 Italian men get on a train. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives, "
"Heyyyy, cool-ah down, lady. Who's a talkin' about sex? I'm ah just tellin' my friend-ah how to-ah spell Mississippi."
What Do You Call A Dead Skunk?
A stunk.
My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.
Really Upset About This Migration Crisis...
My SSD's sectors are misaligned, and it's really bugging me.
Talk Dirty To Me
"Talk dirty to me", she begged. "Alright", he said, leaning closer, "Volkswagen diesel..."
I Just Lost My Job. I Couldn't Work For That Man After What He Had Said To Me.
What did he tell you?
You're fired.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Three Close Friends Were Getting On In Their Years.
They had done all sorts of crazy things over their decades together - alligator wrestling, running with the bulls, base jumping... you name it, they've been through it. At this point in their lives, each of their respective families has decided to put them into nursing homes. Seeing as how they won't have any more opportunity, they decide to have one last crazy evening, and play Russian roulette.
The first friend brings the loaded gun, and announces: "Three bullets, one for each of us. Let's see who luck favors!" They all give an affirming nod, and the first brings the muzzle to his temple, and pulls the trigger. Blood, bone and brain spray out to accompany the loud bang.
The two friends are a little jarred by the occurrence, but note that "he hated the idea of going to a home." With that, the second friend tries his luck, and readies the gun. "Good times, eh, buddy?" With a pull of the trigger, a familiar sound echoes off the walls as they are painted in gore.
The remaining friend looks to the bodies of the other two with a smile. "Well, here's hoping that even if I win this round, I don't have to wait too long to see you both again." He grabs the grip, and takes his turn.
The police arrive from reports of gunshots in a well-off neighborhood, and they investigate the grisly scene of three bodies. As the coroner tends to the victims, the lead detective is discussing his thoughts with his superior:
"I'm thinking it's a suicide pact. We have no signs of struggle, a box of bullets with only three missing, and nothing left in the magazine."
After A Night Of Drinking, John Walks Into A Metal Bar
The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.
He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.
When I Was 5 I Cried When I Saw My Mom Cut Up Onions In The Kitchen
I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
The Scots Are Updating The Perception Of Traditional Scottish Fare.
Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie.
A Woman Takes A Lover During The Day, While Her Husband Is At Work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
Mickey Mouse's Lawyer Calls...
...And tells him, "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because shes 'crazy'" and Mickey responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy!"
Ever Since My Toaster Has Been Broken I Have Been Feeling Unwell.
I guess I must be lack toast intolerant.
What's The Difference Between A Garbanzo Bean And A Chick Pea?
I wouldn't pay $60 to have a garbanzo bean on my face!
These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Yes," said the waitress.
"I'll take the special, then," my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Don't mess with Seniors!
A Boy Is Selling Fish On A Corner.
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Friday, June 17, 2016
This Is Apparently The World's Funniest Joke. Would You Laugh At It?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
What Do You Get When You Take An HIV Medication And Raise The Price 5,000%?
Rich AND famous, apparently
My Black Friend Asked Me Why I Have Trust Issues
Not five seconds later the horse is still laughing. Was walking down the street they see the gorilla. The tree got upset because of a broken rubber and I'm not doing too bad myself. The dude can't quite believe it, so he decided he should still go to the wife for that one!
A Tourist Walks Up To A Woman In A Bar
Tourist: Hello, what's your name?
Girl: Hi, I'm Erica.
Tourist: I'm Jim, where are you from?
Girl: America.
Tourist: Yeah, but where are you from?
Women's Response To....Sizes
Women's response to 2 inches - I can't even hold it , properly 3 inches - Never be so unsatisfied, in my whole life. 4 inches - I've bigger than it. 5 inches - Good, but not enough! 6 inches - Almost all right. 7 inches - Can't complain now. 8 inches - Perfect! 9 inches - A bit longer but manageable. 10 inches - Means pressure on stomach intestine.
This survey was to understand Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches. But love the you think
New Girlfriend (53)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Mary, because I just added the song "Proud Mary" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
So A Sous Chef Cut Himself While Slicing Bread...
He was bleeding a lot so he just wrapped it in a slice of bread to stop the blood from getting everywhere.
"Don't do that," said the chef, "you'll get a yeast infection".
My SO Told Me She Had Never Heard Of Einstein's Theory Of Relativity Before Today.
I said, "It's about time!"
What's The Difference Between Having Sex While Skydiving And A Smelly Vagina?
Well, one's a kinky stunt...
A Jewish Priest.
A Jewish priest named James teaches and prays in the local synagogue. He spends the first 70 years of his life living the best life he can while getting as close to god as possible. James knows his life is drawing to an end and he feels god wants him to do more so he asks the other members of the church what he should do. One member, a young lady named Samantha told James she had been given the same message and that she was wanting to venture into a far away town to spread the teachings of the Jewish faith. James agreed to accompany her on this journey. After 3 years of traveling they had finaly traveled far enough to spread the message of Jewdaism around them. It took 7 more years of teaching for James to grow tired again. By this point James was old. 80 years, and not many left in this life time. He grew restless needing to do more with his life. He asked around the community again but found no solace In any of the ideas he heard. Until one day a mysterious man walked into his synagogue. The man was old but not as old as James. Perhaps 60 or so. He collapsed onto the pew closest to the front. James hurried over to see the man, and realized he was very pale, sickly, and weak. "What's wrong dear man? Why do you look so shabby?" The man opened his eyes a little and said "I have to keep going..... I have to find them. God told me too!" James was very confused, "what do you need to find? What is it?" The man opened his eyes very wide and said, "The trax! You must find the Trax Tree! The... the fruit of... the...." The man faded off, his eyes signaling sleep was coming, and fast James ran to get some water and splashed it on the man's face. He sat up a little and gasped "THE TRAX! FIND IT! PLEASE! IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE!" the man said, using every drop of energy he had. He slipped off into a very deep sleep that he could not be woken from. James knew this was a message from god. He gathered his things, and set off to find the Trax, whatever it was. It took him a full month to find anyone who knew what he was talking about. "It's at the top of this mountain old man, but you'll never make it there. And even if you did you'd never get a piece of its fruit. It's guarded you know. You'll die first." James did not like this man, he thought he was a pessimist that lacked faith. James wanted to be gone from this small town and get the Trax, so he set off up the mountain It was a hard climb that took James nearly a week to complete. He could've made it sooner but, he was no young man anymore. He crested the last hill and saw what he was looking for. A massive tree bearing large blue and purple fruit, with bright red stems. He saw perfection in those fruit. This tree had been sent from God himself, he knew it. As James approached the tree a harsh laugh echoed in the valley around him. A large troll walked out from behind the tree brandishing a long heavy club. He looked at James and declared: "YOU CAN NOT HAVE ANY OF THESE FRUIT PUNY HUMAN! HA HA HA!" " I've spent the last part of my life searching for this Tree. Why can I not have a piece?" James asked desperately:
Server Friend Was Complaining About Her Pay At Local Restaurant
Server friend was complaining about her job at local restaurant.
So I say, "Don't worry. Good things come those who wait."
What's In Heaven And Hell?
In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss
In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians
Two Polar Bears Meet Up For The First Time...
Two polar bears meet up for the first time. It's a bit awkward, neither of them know what to say then one starts jumping up and down. The other polar bear looks confused and asks "Why are you jumping up and down?" The jumping polar bear responds "I was trying to break the ice."
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Why Can't Caitlyn Jenner's Kids Ever Find Their Mom?
Because she is Trans-parent!
(Not hate. Just a pun I thought of.)
Paddy's Last Will And Testament
Paddy is seeing his lawyer to set up his last will and testament. Most of the points are covered as there is not much to cover so the lawyer asks ever so friendly:
"My dear Paddy, how would you like for the practicalities around your funeral to be arranged?"
Paddy thinks for a bit and says:
"Well, I would like very much to be scattered around me ex-wives' house as it used to be my house and this is where I have the fondest memories."
"Ah, I see. So you would like to be cremated then?"
.
.
"No"
Ran Into An Old Classmate.
My name is Alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school .
'Yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1985. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
What did you teach???
LOL : No Love From Apple
Here is the back story , I have an app called "Quotes for Instagram" that does one thing and only one thing, it displays picture quotes and allows the user to share directly to Instagram and only Instagram. To share to Instagram the user would need to have the Instagram app installed . It was rejected by Apple , here is our funny thread going back and forth in the message center.
September 23, 2015 at 12:39 PM From Apple 2.2 Details
We discovered one or more bugs in your app when reviewed on iPhone running iOS 9 on both Wi-Fi and cellular networks.
Specifically, no action takes place when we tapped the Share button on each picture.
Next Steps
Please run your app on a device to identify the issue(s), then revise and resubmit your app for review.
September 23, 2015 at 12:50 PM Me : The device requires that the user have Instragram installed on their device, If Instagram is not installed on the device then they can not share to instagram . Is Instagram installed on your test devices? Their should be prompt that appears detailing this , I will double check , but in the meanwhile I hope this helps to track down the issue.
September 23, 2015 at 2:20 PM From Apple Hello,
Thank you for providing this information. Upon further review, we found your app to be in violation of the following guideline:
10.6 Details
We were required to install Instagram before we could use your app. Apps should be able to run on launch, without requiring additional applications to be installed.
Next Steps
Please revise your app so that a user can use it upon launch. If your app requires authentication before use, please use methods that can authenticate users from within your app.
We look forward to reviewing your revised app.
Best regards,
App Store Review
September 23, 2015 at 3:52 PM Me : LOL Technically you can still use the app (just not the share to IG part), I presume users would be clever enough to know that they should probably have Instagram installed to share to Instagram no? Re: Please revise your app so that a user can use it upon launch. If your app requires authentication before use, please use methods that can authenticate users from within your app. Authentication can only take place if the user has Instagram installed . If a user has the Instagram app installed but is not authenticated then upon clicking the sharing button they would be redirected to the Instagram in-app login screen where they would login and then be able to share their newly found quote.
September 23, 2015 at 6:45 PM From Apple 2.2 - Apps that exhibit bugs will be rejected Hello,
Thank you for your response. For your app to become compliant with guideline 10.6 it would be appropriate to update the app to not require the Instagram app.
We look forward to reviewing your revised app.
Best regards,
App Store Review
September 23, 2015 at 8:00 PM Me: Lol, This thread is very humorous, an app that shares to Instagram that does not require Instagram , I see the Gods are against us.
Cheers
A Salami Goes To The Doctor. The Doctor Tells Him "Sorry, I Can't Help You, ..."
"... you're already cured."
I Used To Have Osama Bin Laden As A Contact.
I removed him because he was blowing up my phone.
Oh god this that was so shitty.
When You Take Instructions Too Literally...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
I Used To Drive A Ford Fiesta...
Until I took some Adderal to study for my test. Now It's a ford focus
Billy Asks His Teacher For A Bathroom Pass.
"If you Want a bathroom pass," says his teacher, "you need to recite the alphabet first."
Billy needs to go really bad, so he recites It as quickly as he can.
"ABCDEFGHIJKLMMOQRSTUVWXYZ!"
The teacher responds, "Almost, Billy, but where is the P?"
"About halfway down my leg."
"Looks Like Your Daddy's Forgotten All About You."
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"
In Biology They Ask Us What We Find In Cells
Apparently black people wasn't the right answer.
I'll see myself out.
Three Guys Die And Go To Heaven...
They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. "Welcome welcome!" he shouted as they approached "It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?" "Yes yes of course we are!" all three guys shouted over top of each other. "Great!" says Peter. "But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that we have had to expand our walls a great deal. Since the increase in size, we have received a large number of complaints about the traveling distances. To solve the issue, we have decided to hand out a set of wheels to each new member who passes through our gates! But unfortunately since this is a new program, we don't have a lot of rides in stock. This means we have had to come up with a system of determining what kind of wheels each individual shall receive. We have decided that the quality of wheels will be determined by the individuals faithfulness to their spouse in the previous life. Sound fair?" The three guys all nodded in agreement. St. Peter turned to guy number one and asked, "Tell me sir, how faithful were you to your spouse?" guy number one answered, "I was married to my beautiful wife for 55 years. I fell in love with her the very second I met her and my love only grew stronger every day after. I never once in my life thought about any other woman. Not once. We had a wonderful life together and my heart leaps with joy when I imagine the day she will arrive at these same gates to spend an eternity here with me." St. Peter wiped a tear from his eye. "That was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. You have definitely earned a quality set of wheels." The gates opened and a Bentley drove out to meet him. Guy number one danced his way to the vehicle and took off pedal to the metal through the gates and out of sight. St. Peter turned to guy number two, "You're turn now." Guy number two stepped forward, "Well, I've been married for about 25 years, and for the most part things have been alright. We've had our ups and downs like most married couples do. There was one time that we got into a pretty big fight and I phoned a lady from work and well, you know... Some things ended up happening that I'm not too proud of... But I came clean to my wife about it all and she forgave me. Things had gone pretty smooth since." "Not good not good..." Peter responded. "But not the worst I've heard either. Here is your ride." The gates opened up and a Jeep drove through to meet him. He shook Peter's hand and made his way over to his new ride. As he cruised off into the distance Peter turned to guy number three, but before he could say anything, guy number three started up, "Okay I'm just going to come out and be completely honest... I've never been faithful to my wife. We've been married for like 10 years or something, and truthfully I believe I stopped loving her right after our first night alone together. Every week I was sleeping with someone else behind her back and to be honest I don't regret any of it. I hate the dumb slut." St. Peter couldn't believe his ears. "You sir are possibly the most disgusting human being I have ever laid eyes on. Here, take your ride." He turned and walked away as a moped puttered along through the gates to meet guy number three. A considerable amount of time passed and guys number two and three were enjoying a nice ride around the block together when the spotted guy number one in his Bentley parked up on one of the hills outside of their town. They rode up to say hey but when they pulled up beside him they realized he was crying. "What the heck is wrong with you?" asked guy number two. "My wife arrived today." Guy number one answered. "You should be happy! Now you two can spend your eternities together just like you wanted!" shouted guy number three. "No, you don't understand..." said guy number one. "She's riding around on roller skates."
Can You?
An old man was sitting outside on his porch enjoying the last moments of summer. He was smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of whiskey. His grandson wandered outside and saw him out relaxing by himself.
The young boy asked, "Hey Grandpa, may I try your cigar?"
His grandfather looked up and asked, "Well, are you old enough?"
The grandson wondered out loud, "How do I know if I'm old enough?"
His grandfather asked, "Well, can you pull your wiener down so it touches your bum?"
The young boy, confused, said no...
His grandfather replied, "Well, you're just not old enough, bud".
Frustrated, the kid spun around and stomped inside. A couple minutes later, the determined boy wandered outside again and asked his grandfather...
"Hey Grandpa, may I at least try some of your whiskey?"
The grandfather replied, "Well, are you old enough?"
The grandson asked, "How do I know if I'm old enough?"
The grandfather replied, "Well, can you pull your wiener down so it touches your bum?"
The frustrated boy yelled no, then turned inside.
A couple minutes later the boy walked outside again, but this time with a cookie in hand.
Seeing this, his grandfather asked, "Hey bud, could your grandfather get some of that cookie?"
The boy looked up and asked, "Well, can you pull your wiener down so it touches your bum?"
Excited, the grandfather perked up and said "Yeah, I can do that."
The boy took a bite of the cookie and said, "Well, you can go fuck yourself."