Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
They tell the men, we will use your bones for our weapons and your skin for out canoes... Choose how you would like to die...
Man one replies.. Give me a gun and proceeds to shoot himself in the head
Man two says: "give me a sword" and stabs himself through the stomach and dies with honor.
Man three says: "give me two forks" and begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over.
Bewildered, the cannibals cry "what on earth are you doing!?"
Man three replies: "fucking up your canoes bitch!!"
but none of them are xenophobic, so they all have a wonderful time.
He was only getting shit rolls.
NASA plans to send a probe to see if she is capable of supporting life on her surface.
Clean it. Put it on a wooden cutting board. Season. Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees. Throw the carp out and eat the cutting board.
1.Those with no understanding of hexidecimals
2.Those with almost no understanding of hexidecimals
3.Those with a very basic understanding of hexidecimals
4.Those with a mediocre understanding of hexidecimals
5.Those with below average understanding of hexidecimals
6.Those with an average understanding of hexidecimals
7.Those with above average understanding of hexidecimals
8.Those with a decent understanding of hexidecimals
9.Those with a pretty good understanding of hexidecimals
A. Those with a great understanding of hexidecimals
B. Those with an excellent understanding of hexidecimals
C. Those with a fantastic understanding of hexidecimals
D. Those with a stupendous understanding of hexidecimals
E. Those with a masterful understanding of hexidecimals
F. Those with an unreal understanding of hexidecimals
10 . Those with a godlike understanding of hexidecimals
and it was horrible, about 50% of them had no rights!
The first dog said to the other "what are trees made out of?", the second dog replies "wait you can talk too?!" Then the first dog say's "no, bark!"
Yo there was dis elderly lady,age of 92
Had no clue, where her hubby was
Man yo fuck dat nigga probably out drinking
But he was no drinker, what was she thinking
So yo motherfucker she put on the news
Saw a car driving the wrong way, this was on the news
On the news
On the news
This was on the news
On the news
On the news
It was on the news yo
And she saw her Cadillac, blue
And she screamed and she wept as she saw the news
Called the hubby's number which ended in a 2
"Yo Ray, bae, where you at fat cat yo in my Cadillac?"
"Yo Bertha bro I'm confused"
He was confused
"All the cars are going da wrong way, I'm hella confused"
No you are
No you are
The cops chant
As Bertha looks hopelessly at the speeding Cadillac
While she cries tears of despair, not amused at what's happening on the news
Ray goes the wrong way going the opp'site direction on a one way street
This was the news that left us bemused
Fuck dat nigga pass your driving test fool!
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore
A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"
The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.
"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up to heaven."
"Ok daddy", said the boy.
A few days later, the father receives a frantic phone call at work from his son.
'Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!!"
Startled, he asks "Son, why do you think that?"
"Well", said the little boy between sniffles, "the next door neighbor is blowing up her balloons, and she's screaming to god that she's coming."
"My Son, you look troubled, do you mind if I come out with you this morning, I haven't been fishing for many years."
The fisherman was taken back but didn't want to say no. He wasn't a religious man but he was scared that his rejection of the holy man would spread throughout the town, and possible would cause bad luck.
They sailed out and found a patch of ocean; wild and isolated, they couldn't see land, only the red sky of the raising sun over the swelling waves gave the priest any bearings. That combined with the sea sickness had his knuckles white holding on to the side of the boat.
The fisherman whistled and hummed as he threw lines into the sea, he would normally softly sing, but the lyrics wouldn't suit the Priest, he thought.
The Priest looked on suspiciously as the tune he did recognise, it took him to a time many generations ago, when his Father would come home drunk, and the neighbours would awake. He had the burns and scars to prove it.
The swell continued rocking and it's rhythm was only disturbed by a soft tugging. The fisherman, whose mind had wandered to the soft thighs of the local farmhouse daughter, the girl he had spoken to last night, the girl he had promised to see soon, suddenly looked up and grabbed his rod.
The priest looked up and was shocked to see him struggle. A man so accustomed to his trade, and a man of his size should not struggle with this task, he thought.
The fisherman grunted, his muscles swelled. Sweat dripped down his forehead. "Father," he gasped, "help me."
The Priest took turns, and in shifts they dragged in this 7 foot Marlin. His scaled shone under the new sun and the azure blue.
The rest of the morning they pulled in over 40 fish.
It's a sign of God thought the Fisherman.
As they sailed into port a crowd had gathered around. The fisherman was a popular man and he was normally due back hours ago. People worried about his fate, especially considering the local farmer's daughter had last seen him with the Priest.
People gasped as the Fisherman stood at the bow and the Priest steered the boat home. The Fisherman threw the rope on the jetty clambered up, tying her securely.
The farmer remarked: "That's a big fucker!"
The Fisherman's eyes grew wide, several people gasped, swearing in front of a servant of God was an incredible sin.
"I beg your pardon?" Said the Priest.
The fisherman had to act quickly. He couldn't let the farmer be disgraced, he couldn't let the father of his future wife be spat upon and scorned. "No your grace," he intervened, "it's not what you think! It's what we call them in this province. Our dialect, you see? We call them fucker-fish."
The Priest apologised, "I am sorry, my son. I thought you had disrespected me, and therefore directly disrespected God. A thousand apologies, go now, in peace."
The fisherman held up the Priest before he was about to leave. "Monseigneur, please. Take the fucker-fish. It's too good for us, and I've heard the Cardinal is in town. Your grace brought God onto my boat, and he blessed me, and this town. Take this fish, for us."
The charity smote the Priests heart. Tears welled in his eyes as he loaded the fish and took it back to his parish.
The birds were awoken and sang beautiful, personal symphonies for him and his fish.
The cardinal was waiting for him. He walked from the stoop of the church, his shoes crunching on soft gravel, his blue eyes rivalled only by the sea. His wrinkled face matched the topography of the basque hillside just south west of this parish.
"Father," he started "I have news fo- is that a Marlin?"
"It's a big fucker!" Claimed the Priest!
"I beg your pardon, Monseigneur? How dare you speak to an agent of the Vatican in such a foul way?"
"No! Your grace, you don't understand," he explained, "that's what we call it here, a fucker fish!"
"A thousand apologies. I was too hasty to condemn you. This is a great sign, and it foreshadows what I have to tell you! The pope! He is coming to feast tonight! This fucker will be perfect, I will have it prepared by the sister Magdalen."
The fish was brought in by the servants, the cardinal following behind proudly. Sister Magdalen had come from the kitchen to see what the commotion was.
"That's a majestic marlin, Cardinal."
"More than a marlin, sister! A huge fucker!"
She spat on him.
"I am a nun. A servant of God. I am married to him. How dare you?"
The cardinal wiped the spit off his face. "You don't understand, sister. This is what the fish is called. A fucker-fish."
"A thousand apologies, your grace. I will have it prepared immediately for tonight. May you help me scale it and prepare it?"
The pope arrived without fanfare. He had just been from Montpellier and the count had layed out a fanfare outside of the cathedral, and one hundred virgins inside of it. He looked forward to the country charms of his next visit.
He was welcomed by three nervous quaint people. The Priest, a small stout man, his hands scarred, and one eye permanently half closed. The Cardinal, tall, proud, his back ram-rod straight. The twinkle behind his blue eyes warmed even the coldest rooms. The Sister hid behind her face, slightly swollen now with age, there was a beauty hidden deep down there. It wasn't hard to imagine she had been beautiful decades ago.
"A wonderful parish," the Pope began, "a wonderful people, a wonderful clergy and church. But what is that wonderful smell?"
The welcome party smiled at once.
"Please, follow us to the dining room."
As they entered together the smell hit them at once. The larger fucker was laid out on the mahogany finish table, cooked in lemon butter sauce, served on asparagus and mashed potatoes. Cherry tomatoes still on the vine had been roasted and garnished the titanic plate.
"God is great," the pope remarked. His stomach churned and his mouth watered. He had never felt so hungry in his life. "Tell me the story of this fish," he said as he say down.
The Priest said: "I caught the fucker!"
The Cardinal: "I scaled the fucker!"
The Nun: "and I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope's eyes widened, and the three suddenly froze. Their tongues stuck to the roof of their mouth. Then the pope smiled, he leaned back and placed his feet on the table. A cigarette was fetched from his robe and placed in his mouth and lit as he smiled.
He chuckled and spoke, "Yeah nah, you cunts are alright."
They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely
Don't believe me?
Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!
One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.
when he spotted Wonder Woman laying out on the roof of a tall building, butt naked and spread eagle. Superman flies down to his companion and starts going to town on unsuspecting Wonder Woman. He finishes his business as quick as a bullet and flies off at supersonic speed like nothing had happened. Wonder Woman looks around and says "What on earth was that?" A few moments later...
"I have no idea but my ass is killing me." The Invisible Man replies.
How do you hide money from a hippie? Put it under the soap.
What's dumber than a box of rocks? The hippie carrying it cross country. whats dumber then that...the custiee that bought them
what kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke? yours.
Why do hippies love didgeridoos so much? Its the closest they will get to sucking a trees dick
Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a washer machine -you can dump a load in both of them but ones gonna follow you around for the weekend asking you to spin it.
What do you call a hippie who just broke up with his girlfriend? -Homeless
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? -They don't change it they watch it burn out and follow it around for 30 years like the god damn grateful dead.
How can you tell if the guy on your couch is a hippie? -He's still there
How do you know a hippie chick is on the rag? -Shes missing a sock How do you know shes off? -One sock is tie died red
What do hippie Chicks and The U.S. Government have in common? -They both let bush be in charge for too long.
Why do hippies wave their arms when they dance? -To keep the music out of their eyes
how do you know if a hippies been at your house? -your refrigerators empty, your daughters gone and your dog is pregnant.
How do you get a hippie girl pregnant? -Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest
At a drum circle whats the difference between a Hippie chick and a joint? -a hippie chick makes it all the way around the circle
How do you know if a hippie has a girlfriend? -He has two clean fingers
Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie??? -He was too FAR OUT man!!
Why wasn't Jesus Born at a festival? -Because he couldn't find three wise men or a virgin
What does a hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch? -Nameste
How do you know a hippie did too many drugs? -What I didn't say anything
Because he suspected fowl play was afoot!
...they would eventually find me attractive
"Did you see Satan's wife. She's bomb, dude!"
Women in heaven, " Did you see those Angels? They have no style!"
Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over
A woman walks past a store with a display of watches in front. The woman, having broke her watch recently, goes inside. She asks the man behind the counter, "hey, do you repair watches?" The man says "No, I'm a Mohel." She asks, incredulously, "then why do you have watches displayed in front? Its very misleading!" He answers "well, what the hell should I put there?"
Husband says "yeah, but I wasn't expecting to get married to you!"
What did the scientist say when he created something super BASIC?
ExtraOrdinary
A wire hanger
*edit
The manager.
admittedly better.
..and the husband proceeds to touch her twat.
Wife: "Ouch... I think you left your ring inside me.
Husband: "I wasn't wearing a ring. That's my Diver's Watch.
A library, because there are so many stories.
(Did Not Make Up this Joke)
He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"Dammit man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."
There was an old man at a hospital who was about to get a sponge bath. While bathing him, the new nurse got a glimpse of the old man's willy and noticed that it had the words "Little Rock" tattooed on it. Although she was curious, she did not ask him about it.
later that day, she talks to another nurse about what she say. This older nurse, also curious by the tattoo, decided to go find out. So she goes up to the old man's room to ask. She returns 20 minutes later; her dress askew, her hair in a mess. Still slightly gasping, she told the nurse, "That whole tattoo read - Little Rock, Arkansas - Pride of the South"
Scientists have found that your fingerprints may indicate that you are black or white. For example, if your fingerprints were found at the crime scene, you're probably black.
...when I tripped and fell into the door of the metal fence right in front of his home! The door was completely destroyed. The scandal got me in some pretty hot water and is now famously known as Bill gates' gate-gate
She goes up to a salesperson and says, gesturing to a product: "I would like to buy this T.V."
Salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes"
Outraged, the blonde leaves the store, dyes her hair red and returns the next day.
The blonde attempts yet again to buy the TV.
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The frustrated blonde storms out of the store and returns the next day with black hair.
"Can I PLEASE buy this damn TV?"
The salesperson replies: "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The blonde screams in defeat and cries "How did you always know?? I came several times with different hair colours and even asked different people to buy it!"
"Mam, that's a microwave"
He wasn't Italian, because he carried work tools, he wasn't Austrian, since he had some brains, he might have been Swiss, since he was outrun by a glacier, but most probably he was a German, because nobody else ever walks in sandals in the mountains.
I can't think of anything...
A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
"Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream"
"Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."
"Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream."
"Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"
"Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?""
"V-A-N"
"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?""
"S-T-R-A-W"
"And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?""
"...There is no fuck in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."
... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Because it was the answer to problem number 3 and not even the right answer.
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Juliet, because I just added the song "Romeo and Juliet - Fantasy Overture" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
A jew is driving down a high way with a geenie lamp. while on the way to his mothers house his car stops and he is on Empty! he pleads and cries out loud! how will i make it to my mothers in time for Yom Kippur? He leaned over to his geenie and asked for a wish. "I wish i would be back to when i had full gas!" then suddenly with magical powder flying out the lamp, the geenie says "if you wish so"! and bam! the jew wakes up in a gas chamber and dies shortly after
A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them.
Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach.
Father : Well, you fuck way better than your mother.
Daughter : I know, my brothers told me!
Yo why was 6 afraid of 7 yo?
That seven is a monster, Maneater like a pornstar
Breaking stings on my sitar
Yo what he did to that 8 man...
What he did to that 8 man
Wanna know?
Yo....
He ate he ate he ate he ate
The 8 yo the 8 the 8 the 8 the 8
Munched him up
Then ate the nine, prime time
He ate the 8 then he ate the 9
Fuck me seven, that's a crime
Motherfucker 7 yo gonna do time
Spitting motherfuckers out when I chew on them all the time
My bars scare fools like 6 and kill fools like 7
Reading out these numbers like a bingo callers legs eleven
He ate that cunt, he ate he ate he ate that twat he ate him
Fucking hell
Rest in pieces number 9
They some how get a lot of guns and doing major damage. Hiding behind bushes and coming out and shooting people.
Military came up with a strategy to get them out in the open. Since majority of blondes are named "Matthew" they would start yelling Matthew where ever the suspect it.
Military yells Matthew and blonde man says "what" and he gets shot down. It worked every time.
Soon they start loosing a lot of their men
Blondes thought that there are a lot of "Michaels" in the military. We will start yelling out Michaels.
One day a blonde suspects some one creeping up. He yells "Michael?"
A voice replies "No. He is off today. Matthew?"
Blonde: "what"
The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."
A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a wallet! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's disappointingly small.
OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?
The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
A soldier finds himself outside his base of operations in a foreign country after night fall. He managed to find himself back at the main gate of entry but was unable to produce any physical evidence that he was in fact born and raised in the USA. The guard at the gate was not allowed to let anyone in who wasn't a citizen of the United States. The solider suggested that the guard ask him a few questions to prove in nationally. The guard then replied, "OK, sing the national anthem." The solider then sang the national anthem just as he has heard it at countless sporting events and county fairs. When he finished the guard said, "OK, now sing the second verse." The solider yelled, "I don't know the second verse!" to which the guard said,"you're obviously American, c'mon in."
And finds out she has cancer. She asks the doctor what she can do, and he tells her that the odds of survival for surgery are very low, but there is a specialist doctor he knows of who has a 90% success rate.
She gets in touch with this specialist, who tells her that he can do it in three months time, but it will cost her ten million dollars. She agrees, and sends him the money.
The day of the operation arrives, when Stephanie receives a call from the doctor telling he he has to cancel the operation. When she asks why, the doctor tells her, "I'm sorry, but I have a better author on the table."
Everybody's got one, and I've only ever stuck my dick in my ex-wife's.
One muffin says to the other muffin, "wow its hot in here!" The other muffin said "WHOAH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
...I replied "whoa, whoa, whoa..what's with the 103rd degree!"
This Category 3 Storm is likely to hit the Eastern US this week.
Good news for Arizona residents: you will not be affected by Joaquin, Phoenix.
which greatly explains why my semen tastes like semen
a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!.................. now it will taste like cucumber"
And a police officer marches over to him and says, "Hey, what are you doing?"
"I'm scaring away the mountain lions!" he replied.
The policeman looked bemused. "What? There's no mountain lions within 100 miles of this town!"
And the man smiled and said, "Yo momma so fat when I tried to swerve round her I ran out of gas!"
Jenny is running through a mine field and waves her hands within 2km...
Bonus round: Who's there? - Definitely not Jenny?
A driver stopped beside a pedestrian in a tiny remote town. Lost and in a hurry, the driver had no desire to engage in conversation with the locals, he only wanted quick directions. "Hey, old man," he snapped. "Can you tell me how to get to Portland?"
"Yep," the man replied, before crossing the street and disappearing inside a shop door.
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.
the first one asks, "Hey bubba, do you want another bottle of that moonshine I hooked you up with last week?" Bubba says,"Hell no! That stuff had me blowing chunks all night long!!" Puzzled, the 1st hillbilly says, "That's a tried and true family recipe. I've heard of lots of people getting plenty drunk from it, ain't never heard of nobody gettin' sick from it." Bubba says,"I ain't said nothin about gettin sick, Chunks is my dog!"
A little girl is at school when her teacher tells her to learn the first 4 letters of the alphabet for homework. She leaves school and arrives home, then asks her older sister what the first letter of the alphabet was. The sister said "Shut up I'm on the phone" as she was on her phone. She then asks her dad what the second letter of the alphabet was. He shouts "One-hundred and eighty!" while watching darts. Next she goes to her little brother and asks him what the third letter of the alphabet was and he says "Nananananananana Batmaaan!" as he was playing on his xbox. Finally she asks her little sister "What's the third letter of the alphabet?". She replys "In my little red car." while playing with her dolls. The next day the girl goes back to school. The teacher asks her what the first letter of the alphabet was. She says "Shut up I'm on the phone." The teacher sends her straight to the principles office. When she gets there the principle asks her "How many detentions do you think you'll get for this young lady?" and she shouts "One-hundred and eighty!". The teacher shouts "Just who do you think you are!" and the little girl says "Nanananananana Batman". The principle, flustered and enraged asks "Now how do you think you're getting away with this girl?".And She replys "In my little red car.".
That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium…
Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway. (might of already been posted)
He saw his wife flash before his eyes.
And he is lost so he lowers his balloon down to see if there is anyone around and lo and behold there is a man strolling on his own. The man lowers down further and shouts to the man, "Do you know where I am?" The man replies, "You are 30 miles above the ground in the wilderness." The first man stifles a grin and says, "Well, you must work in Information Technology." "I do," responds the second man, "But how did you know?" "Well the information you have told me is all factually correct but it is of no use to anyone," he responded. "The second man then says, "Well you must work in management." "I do," he responds, "But, how did you know?" "Well," he responds, "It says 'Welcome To Jamaica Have A Nice Day!"
You should always stay happy because 'sad' spelled backwards is das.
Andd.... das not good.
but when he is flaccid, only the W and the Y show. After a long flight to Jamaica for George and Wendy's honeymoon trip, George heads to the restroom to use the urinal. While there, he sees a local man urinating next to him with the letters W and Y showing on his flaccid penis. George excitedly asks the man, "Oh, your wife's name is also Wendy?!" The man responds, "Nope. It says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, HAVE A NICE DAY'"
Two guys are driving together. Their about to turn down the street. So the drive asks his buddy
"What's coming?"
His buddy replies, "just a dog"
So they pull out and BAM they get hit.
The driver tells his friend, "You said it was just a dog!"
"Yea a greyhound!"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side-effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
A man got his girlfriend's name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. He got it so that it only showed her full name when he was fully aroused - otherwise, shrinkage made it look like it just said "Wy".
One day he was at the urinal next to another man. He happens to inadvertently glance down, and something caught his eye. The other man had "Wy" tattooed on his penis too. He says, "I'm sorry but this is too weird. I think we have the same tattoo! Is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"
The other man said, "Oh dis? No mon, it says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day.'"
I was drinking some water from a bottle that comes in a case of various even numbers and as i was driking the water i looked to see that there was a piece of text on the wrap that goes around the bottle saying and i quote "with minerals added for flavor" and I was like the hell is this, i dont taste shit, it is fucking tasteless waters. I was thinking of writing a letter to the company telling them they needed to add more because I can't taste shit and then taste it themselves before giving it to the public and feeding us lies in a bottle. IT'S TIME WE AS A NATION TOOK A STAND AGAINST THIS, WE NEED TO SHOW THEM THAT WE WONT TAKE THIS FROM ANYONE, NO MATTER HOW STUPID WE ARE, SO CMON AMERICA HELP ME STOP THIS INJUSTICE AND MAKE A BETTER FUTURE FOR OUR CHILDREN AND THE BOTTLED WATER THEY WILL TAKE IN FROM BOTTLES, LET US MAKE THE WATER TASTEFUL FOR THEM, BUT WE CAN ONLY DO THIS TOGETHER. #TASTEFULFUTUREFORAMERCA. SO HELP ME BECOME PRESIDENT AND I WILL MAKE SURE YOU'RE NEVER HURT BY THESE LIES AGAIN. #2016 #VOTEFORMEANDNOTHILLARYORTRUMP
I thought I'd have a raging boner. But then she had one first.
...because with one stroke it ends millions of lives in the shower.
A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.
The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I am going to Chicago, and I am staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in coach.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."
edit: Consistency. Apparently, just typing out this joke gives you 'dumb blonde syndrome'.
It was their magnum opis. (Yes, I know next to no one will get this joke at all)
That's probably the reason they threw him out of the fire brigade.
(√-1)/8!
Edit: I clearly don't know how to math.
Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."
To rub peanut butter on your dick and then run through a kindergarten.
EDIT: Just realized this was posted ten days ago. My bad. Downvote away.
Her name is Wendy, so he gets 'Wendy' tatooed on his dick. So when it's flaccid, you can only make out 'Wy', but when he gets hard, it says 'Wendy'.
So one day he's at an airport and he goes into the bathroom and there's a Jamaican tourguide taking a piss. So he walks over and starts pissing next to the guy. He notices the guy also has 'Wy' tatooed on his penis.
He says to the guy, "I'm sorry, I just noticed your tattoo. I have the same one. Do you also have a girl named Wendy?"
The man replies, "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day'".
..now they find water..
..next they will find Scotch..
..NASA hell-bent on proving Men are from Mars..
A man and a woman are on their honeymoon in Jamaica and the husband had recently gotten a tattoo on his dick that read "Wendy" when he was hard. Now, when he was soft all that could be seen of the tattoo was "Wy." Anyways, the couple decides to go to a nude beach cause why not? They get to the nude beach and the husband spots a local with the same "Wy" tattoo on the local's penis. The husband is stoked, not only did he want to show off his own dick tattoo and show the local that they had the same tattoo soft, he wanted to also know what his said when he was hard. So they walk up and they get to talking about it. The husband goes "Hey we've got the same wy tattoo! Mine says Wendy when it's hard, what about yours?" The Jamaican then replies "it says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."
Because he was a stupid twat who should have never become president.
6 months ago I was a billionaire :(
Life is like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last long for fat people. Life is like a box of chocolate, no one likes the dark ones.
(Btw: Im not racist xD)
I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
I was driving down the highway when my wife called my cell. She said, “Oh, please be careful out there. I just heard on the radio that there's a madman driving the wrong way down Hwy 40!” “I know, it's crazy out here—let me call you back, because there's not just one. There are hundreds!”
There was this baker from South Carolina
Who stuck an eggbeater in her vagina
The cakes she would glaze
In an orgasmic haze
And her screams they would rattle the china
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What is it?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"It's nothing."
"Please tell us."
"I'm fine."
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
he has truly taken leave of his census.
...there will be hell toupee!
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
And God created woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?..... And God created Man.
So an elderly lady goes into a dentists office, gets on a chair and spreads her legs far apart.
The doctor is shocked to see this so he says: "Excuse me, miss, you must have the wrong place, this is a dentist's office."
The lady answers back: "Well, didn't you put my husband's dentures in last week?" the lady says.
The doctor nodded.
"Well," the lady said, "now you have to get them out."
...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate, not celibate!," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
Edit: WOW! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
The last German who tried to gas that many people had to commit suicide!
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way the Camel doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Oh thats very smart, where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist faints.
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Position of husband is like a split A.C. No matter how loud he is outside, but inside the house, he is designed to remain silent, cool & controlled by remote.
And what we actually learn?
Doggy style
The physicist calls the waitress over and politely says "I'm halfway through my beer, could you bring the table another round please?" She is happy to oblige. The philosopher is quick to ask the table "is the beer is half empty or half full?" They think about it... The chemist is first to answer "are we even sure it's beer?" The physicist answers next "it is in both states until it is measured or observed... We're observing it now but we have no way of measuring this... Here me out, let's assume that the beer is a sphere in a vacuum... " the mathematician interrupts her and says "sorry guys but this problem is trivial.. Empty = 0, half of zero is zero, there is a non zero amount of beer in the glass, therefore the glass is half full."
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue." "Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
And asks him: How are you? His son then answers: I'm fine thanks.
He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"
He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...
She replied, "what! You're gross get away"
He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your nipple!"
"I told you to get away creep!" She said
"Final offer, I'll give you a MILLION dollars to let me bite your nipple!" He yelled
After a second of deliberation.... She reluctantly accepts.
They go to back alley and she takes off her top. The man starts rubbing her titties & sucking her nipples.
"Well aren't you gonna bite my nipple?!?!" She shouts
"Naw that cost too much"
I was texting at a stop light and let my foot off the brake and started ruling forward without realizing it....
Soon after the couple got out and I noticed they were both dwarfs and they were furious!
I couldn't help but laugh at the situation in front of me and the husband dwarf didn't appreciate it...
He put his hands on his hips and said "I'll not happy"
To which I replied "so then which one are you?"
A police officer arrives at the scene and says: "Fishing is forbidden here!" The cow answers: "What do i care about the strawberry rate? – I'm wearing wellingtons."
An old man is losing his hearing, so he brings his wife with him to the doctors. The doc says, "I'll need some samples today, sir. A blood sample, a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample." The old man, not being able to hear, asks his wife, "WHAT'D HE SAY?!?" She replies, "He said he needs your underwear."
A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration.
The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer."
"Tell me your name then," the cop demands.
"Mr. Kret," the driver says.
"TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated.
The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."
A guy walks into a liquor store and says to the guy behind the counter: Give me a case of beer, but none of that Canadian stuff. The guy behind the counter says: What's wrong with Canadian beer? I'm Canadian. The customer says: Well, last night I drank a case of Canadian beer and I was blowing chunks. The guy behind the counter laughs and says: What do you expect, you drank a case of beer. The customer says: No, you don't understand, chunks is my dog.
She came home with a red snapper!
A guy goes into the men's bathroom. Started peeing in the urinal. A shorter plump Irish man comes next to his urinal and starts peeing next to him. The guy sees the man's penis and is amazed.
Guy: "OMG you have the biggest penis I've ever seen. How did you get it to be so big?"
Man: "Oh it's a secret"
Guy: "Come on man I really want to know, please please?"
Man: "Well.... ok matey, it's because I a leprechaun"
Guy: "Wow, I wish my penis was that big"
Man: "Well matey, I can help you with that. All you need to do is let me do you in the arse and the magic from me will make your penis grow"
Guy: "Oh man... I... I... I don't really want to do it, but I really want my penis to be big so... oh what the heck. Get it over with"
After the man was done. He zipped up his zipper and said, "Well matey how old are you anyways?"
Guy: (huff puff) "I'm.... ugh... I'm 30"
Man: "wow, you're 30 and you still believe in leprechauns?"
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Late one night, these 3 guys walked pasted a shoe store. They broke in a stole some shoes. A nearby security guard spots them and they run off and turned into an alley. One guy hides himself behind a dumpster, the other behind some boxes and the last guy behind some potato sacks.
Guard: "Where are they at I know they came into this alley". He started kicking things around.
He kicks the dumpster, 1st guy says, "MEOW".
Guard: "Oh it's just a cat!". Then he walks over to the boxes and kicks the boxes.
2nd guy said, "WOOF WOOF".
Guard: "oh it's just a dog"... then goes to the potato sacks and kicks them....
3rd guy: "POTATOES"
...but it's just so easy to give in to "pier" pressure.
...and the bus driver sees her and says
"What an ugly baby!" The girl is mortified.
She pays and sits in the back, crying. And old guy is there and asks her:
"What happened, dear?"
She answers:
"That damn bus driver was SO rude to me!"
And then the old man says:
"Well my dear, then go over there and tell him what you think! I'll hold your monkey for you!"
sees her little bush and asks:
-Mommy what's that?
-It's uh... a spider!
-Oh, be careful or it'll bite your pussy!
Moe: Perverted part? What are you talking about?
Joe: Where it goes "For we like sheep."
It wasn't kind of me to mention this: for the rest of your life, you'll think of this dumb joke whenever you listen to Messiah, unavoidably visualizing men in middle eastern garb getting busy with sheep. It's like hearing euthanasia as youth in Asia. Dang, unkind again.
The anorexic would not eat Chinese.
The chief of the tribe captures them and after a long time of hearing the explorers beg for their lives, the chief gives them a challenge. "Okay, you can live, but each of you must bring me ten peices of the same type of fruit." So on their way they go.
The first explorer returns with ten apples. The chief then tells him "now you must put all ten up your butt." After 5 apples, he is going through so much pain that he begs them to kill him, which they do and he goes to heaven.
The second explorer returns with ten blueberries and the chief once again tells the explorer he must insert the fruit up his butt. He is nearly done with nine already inside, when he begins to laugh uncontrollably, to which the chief responds by having him killed. The second explorer then goes to heaven.
When he arrives in heaven, the first explorer asks him "why did you start laughing, you were almost done." The second explorer responds " I saw the third explorer and he was carrying watermelons."
In high school there was a student named Porky. Everyone at the school knew he was a stoner. One day our science teacher got pissed because everyone failed the test, except for Porky. She yelled "Maybe you should all start smoking pot, because Porky here is the only one who passed the test!"
Because MY HOPE WILL NEVER DIE
010100110110010101111000011110010010000001110100 01101001011011010110010100111111
I am a robot trying to pickup another well manufactured robot. Please offer me your assistance.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
He stares angrily at the young man and asks him to explain himself. The young man flicks the last remaining drops on the girl's face, and thoughtfully replies, "I guess great cocks piss alike."
girl friend: when i call you you are doing shave, how many times you do shave in a day.
Boy Friend: 30 or 40 times in a day.
girl friend: are you mad?
boy friend: no i am a barber!!!
NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.
Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.
The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.
They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.
King Willem responds: "We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish."
...and the teacher starts by blindfolding a little boy and tickling him with a feather.
"What's that?", she asked.
"Um, a feather?", he replied.
"Very good!"
Next she blindfolded a little girl and proceeded to write on the chalkboard. "Can you tell what I'm doing by what you're hearing?" she asked.
"You're writing on the chalkboard."
"Very good!"
Next she blindfolded a little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. "Do you know what that is by tasting it?"
"Um, no."
"Well, you might get some of these on Halloween. Now do you know?"
"Nnnnnooo..."
"Okay then...this is something that your father might ask your mother for before he leaves for work in the morning."
Suddenly a girl in the back jumps up and yells, "SPIT IT OUT, JIMMY! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"
A young child is on a park bench eating a whole pile of candy bars. An older neighbor came by and says "You know, all those sweets are not good for you." Kid: My grandfather lived to be 105 years old. Neighbor: Wow, he lived all those years eating candy bars like that? Kid: No, he minded his own fucking business!
So he'll finally have the chance to get a bloody nose.
Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.
If they don't walk into a bar, I say it was all for nothing.
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 14 to come on your face.
I'm kinda glad, I don't want my eyes to get poked out.
After a few steps in, he starts to swing the creature around his head like a slingshot.
A terrified patron admonishes him, "What the hell are you doing?!"
"Relax," he assures them, "I'm just taking a look around."
As cop is issuing a ticket to the teenage wise ass boy.
The kid says, "Do you know who my father is?"
The cop without missing a beat says, " Perhaps you should start by asking your mom."
is being interviewed after pitching a no hitter. ' You pitched a no hitter the previous game as well, but you pitched with the other arm, how do you decide which arm you're going to use?' The interviewer asks.
"Well, its very simple", the pitcher says, " when I wake up in the morning, if my wife is lying on her right side, I pitch with my right, if its her left, I pitch with my left."
Amused, the interviewer asks, "What if she's lying on her back?" " I call the manager and tell him I'm not available."
I on the other hand am not dyslexic and am not one to frequent drinking holes. Also I suck at jokes.
She all alone, no husband, but excited to meet her son and daughter. Unfortunately, she has a massive stroke during delivery and falls into a coma*.
She wakes up, miraculously, five years later! She has a million questions: are her babies ok? Who has them? How long has it been?! When she learns her brother took guardianship of her children, she's instantly worried. Her brother is an IDIOT! What kind of mess has he made with them?! God, what did he even name them?!
They bring in her kids. She tentatively asks the little girl, "What's your name?"
"Denise." The little girl offers. The woman is relieved. That's not so bad. It's actually kind of lovely. "And you?" she asks the boy.
"Denephew."
and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
So I yelled, what's with all the Rift-Raft over there!?
Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.
A man wearing nothing but cellophane walked into a psychiatrist office.
The doctor said I can clearly see your nuts
Each Hitler is exactly identical, even have the same voice. One Hitler is real, while the other 14 are only decoys. When interrogated, they all answered the exact same way to every question. Which Hitler is the real one, then?
Third, Reich.
Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, where he finds President Bush busy playing with his Garbage Pail Kids collection.
"Mr. President," Cheney says, "I have some disconcerting news about the War in Iraq."
Bush glances up from his busywork and says, "Give it to me straight, Dick".
Cheney says, "Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were just killed by the insurgents."
Bush collapses to his knees and howls in grief, Cheney is shocked. Finally, Bush clambers to his feet and, wiping tears from his face says, "Aw Dick, how many millions are in a brazillion?"
Cinderella desperately wants to go to the ball at the prince's castle. Fairy Godmother appears and decides to help her. She uses her magic to create a coach trained by beautiful white horses and to make a beautiful dress appear in front of the young girl. Cinderella is very happy, but the fairy tells her: "You have to come back home by midnight, or your little pussy will be morphed into a slice of watermelon" Cinderella agrees, even if a little puzzled. She goes at the party, and dances all night with the prince. She has a great deal of fun. The clock goes, and it's almost midnight, so she tells the prince she must go at all costs. He stops her and asks her to stay a little while, in order to eat something refreshing, after all that dancing. He then claps the hands twice and four servants enter the room, holding a big watermelon above their heads. The prince unsheathes his sword and with a quick blow cuts it in slices, he then grabs a slice and puts his head in it, eating it with incredible ardor, making juicy noises and dirtying himself all over. He then asks Cinderella: "what time were you supposed to go home?" "Well, 3 , 4 AM, it doesn't matter..."
Girls, like, have a much better, like, grasp of, like, similes.
3 rapists are to be castrated based on their jobs. They are lined up and the first has his penis removed with scissors because he is a tailor. While they do this the third laughs. The second is a carpenter and is castrated with a saw. After the third laughs again they ask him why. His sells ice cream.
There once lived a bee named barry. Barry was a very smart bee, he went through all of school with straight A's. He majored in law, and eventually ran for president. He became the president of the bee hive.
Barry, unsatisfied with his accomplishments, goes on to go through human school, first learning how to speak english, and getting a megaphone to speak to the humans. Again, he goes through school with a perfect GPA and goes on to become the president of the U.S.A. At the party after the election, Barry needed a drink so he went for a beer, but the line was pretty long at the keg. He was really thirsty, so he decided to get a different drink. He felt like some sweet fruit punch, and when he found where the punch was, he saw that there was no punch line!
If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)
Edit: tweaked the punchline.
A man on a business trip decided to go for a beer before his flight home and walked into the first joint he saw. He sat down, ordered a beer, and realized he was in a gay bar. The bartender said "what's your nickname?" Confused, the guy asks "excuse me? My nickname?" The bartender laughed and said "yeah, your nickname! We all have one here. Mines Nike, you know, just do it!" Another man beside him said "mines snickers, because it satisfies." The bartender looked at the man and said "see...nicknames. You can't have your beer until you tell us yours." The man sat there for a second, thought about it, and said "secret." The bartender looked confused and asked "secret?" The man replied "yeah, secret. You know..strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Now give me my fuckin beer!
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
And are asked to share their honest feelings
The Zombie "Sometimes I feel like you're not even here!"
The Ghost "Whatever, you're dead to me"
So I locked her in the kitchen and told her she couldn't vote
Six-year-old Johnny is the most gullible little boy in the world. One day, he is out shopping with his mother when he walks up to a mannequin and starts to run his hand up the mannequin's skirt. Johnny's mother sees this and rushes over, saying, "Johnny, don't you dare put your hand under there! Women have teeth up there and you're lucky she didn't bite your fingers off!" Johnny nodded dumbly and swore he would never touch a woman there. Well 10 years later, 16-year-old Johnny is out on his first date with Cindy and after dinner and a movie they find themselves in the back seat getting hot and heavy. After awhile, Cindy finally says to Johnny, "Don't you want to take it one step further? Don't you want to put your hands down my pants?" Johnny immediately says, "Oh, no, you might bite my fingers off! I bet you have really sharp teeth down there!" She starts to laugh and says, "No, I don't." "Yes, you do!" he says. "No, I don't! Look, I'll prove it to you!" she says, and whips off her jeans and panties, leans back, spreads her legs and says, "See, I told you so!" He takes one look and exclaims, "Well, no wonder. Look at the condition of your gums!"
It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!
So hitler asks for a glass of juice for the two of them, and kim wants to microwave chinese food. Both of their soldiers misinterpret this. The next day 100 jews have died and china doesn't exist anymore.
I've designed a really cool trading card game idea called Daily Life. You need to face the challenges of daily life. It has two sides, friends/allies and enmies.
With friends like http://www.mypokecard.com/en/my/tmp/NbAMr730rV.jpg?1443559757798
http://www.mypokecard.com/en/my/tmp/NbAMr730rV.jpg?1443560366724
And enemies like http://www.mypokecard.com/en/my/tmp/NbAMr730rV.jpg?1443560012409
http://www.mypokecard.com/en/my/tmp/NbAMr730rV.jpg?1443560209380
A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." When the vendor hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change. The vendor replies "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun. The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?" And the monk replies "This IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
At the end of the performance, one student waits until everyone sits down to clap, and he did so very loudly. One of the group members asks him, "Why'd you wait so long to clap?" The student says, "I'm sorry, I tried to match the characteristics of your presentation."
The newlyweds came back from their honeymoon at Niagara Falls and moved into the apartment upstairs from the groom’s parents, Vito and Nina. That night Vito was awakened by a dig in the ribs from his wife. “Vito, listen,” she whispered. Sure enough, they could hear the bedsprings in the room above them creaking rhythmically. “Come on, Vito,” she urged. So he rolled over on top of her and they made love. He had just fallen back asleep when the creaking of the bed-springs woke him again. “Vito, listen to them,” said Nina in a stage whisper. “Come on.” So he rolled over and made love to her again. Vito was sound asleep when another dig in the ribs woke him to the sound of the bedsprings creaking away yet another time. “Vito, listen,” began his wife, pulling off her nightgown. At this the old man leaped to his feet, grabbed a broom, and started banging away on the ceiling like a maniac. “Cut it out, god-damnit!” he yelled. “You’re killing your old man!”
Friend 1: "Ya'll trying to eat Five Girls" Friend 2: "I think you mean Five Guys?" Friend 1: "I know what I said."
This guy is sitting at a bar, having a beer and minding his own business. All of a sudden he notices a man, sitting three seats down from him who looks amazingly like Adolf Hitler. A couple of more beers later, he can't resist saying something so he walks down and says to this gentleman and says:
"Pardon me for interrupting, but has anyone ever told you that you look amazingly like Adolf Hitler?"
The guy, without missing a beat, turns to him and says:
"Zat is because I AM Adolf Hitler!"
Our hero, a little confused, replies back with:
"Huh? Hitler died in the war, everyone knows that"
To which Hitler replies:
"Yes, but now, I am back! And zis time I vill kill zeven millions jews... and an acrobat!"
Our hero, very confused now, pauses for a minute and asks:
"Why are you going to kill an acrobat?"
At which point Hitler turns back to the gentleman he was having a discussion which prior to being interrupted and states:
"You zee? You zee? NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE ZEVEN MILLION JEWS!"
On Mars, you don't have to worry about getting fined for running water.
A
Penguin rolling down a hill
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him
Four eyes white dragon.
sorry if repost, thought of this myself.
........October afternoon and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. He was a handsome fellow and the nun looked him over from head to toe, then blushed and quickly looked away. But soon enough her gaze wandered over to him again, and when it happened a third time, her passenger said bluntly, "Sister, I have to come right out and say I find you very attractive and I'd like to have sex with you right now." Turning beet-red, the nun began protesting that it would be absolutely impossible. Not only was she the bride of Christ, she had taken a vow of celibacy, and besides, it would be a sin. "Good Point", admitted the hitchhiker coolly, "But if you don't let me have sex with you, I'll rape you - and that'll be a mortal sin for me. How could you have that on your conscience." The nun thought hard, then asked, "Are you Catholic?" The hitchhiker assured her he was. "Are you married?" asked the nun. "I'm as single as you are, Sister," he promised. "All right" she said, "then I'll agree to having anal intercourse with you. That will only be a venial sin, and I can keep my virginity." She pulled over, they went off into the woods and had sex, and got back in the car. A few miles down the road, the hitchhiker admitted he had a confession to make. "I enjoyed that, Sister, but I lied to you: I'm Jewish. And that's not all," the hitchhiker went on unhappily, "I've got a wife and two kids." The nun turned very pale, and her hands trembled on the steering wheel. But after a few minutes of silence, she said, "Well, there's something you should know about me, too. My name's Bob, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!"
Someone's losing a trailer.
Edit: Because I fucked up.
(1) She enjoys when you're inside her
(2) She squeals when you're going hard and fast
(3) She takes her top off whenever you ask
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
He was caught using performance enhancing drugs.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
...And there are Three things he has to buy. He buys one for him the other for YOUR' MOM ITS A COFFIN BITCH GOT CAPPEd lol
Police: Sir, I stopped you for overspeeding. Can I see your Driver's licence?
Driver: What's a Driver's licence?
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
... he says he's a Lil' Weezy.
Two roosters named Sam and Spike, argued over who was the strongest rooster in the henhouse. They never agreed. However, they did agree how to decide. They arranged for alle the chickens to stand in a long line, and then Sam and Spike would start to "mate" with the chickens, from each end at the same time. The first rooster to complete all the chickens, is the strongest! So, it starts.. Sam goes at it, thanking each chicken for their service: "Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am." - Spike is also well underway: "Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am. Sorry, Sam..".
I'm aware that roosters do not have penises, but hey.. It's just a joke.. :)
I keep telling them I got an East Infection.
(better said verbally)
They must have been laced pretty badly, cause I've been trippin all morning
I got some knockoff beats by Dre headphones called beats by Tupac, but they had holes in them.
Knock knock!
"Who's there?"
"You know!"
"You know who?"
"Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!"
She said, "you aren't wired for 220"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
they fell in love, and decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was excellent.
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason
................. the jealous wife fired her maid. But before leaving, the attractive employee bragged, "Your husband told me that I'm a better golfer than you are." The wife just shrugged. The maid then added, "I'm also better in bed than you are." "My husband told you that?" the startled woman asked. "No," the maid replied, "His caddy did!"
"Beats the hell out of me"
He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter what part of the world he performed in.
But he had a secret: his hands were very small and because of it, he could only juggle with a special kit containing custom balls made specially for his tiny hands. Every time he would try to juggle other objects, he would always fail, so he only performed with that kit.
After several years of performing he started noticing that his shows didn't sell out anymore. Every other show there were more and more empty seats. When he asked why, he was told that people were becoming bored with his act of only juggling regular balls when there were other artists out there using more interesting props such as bowling balls, knives, swords, chainsaws, torches and even live animals.
The juggler became depressed. The less popular his shows became, the more he started drinking. All his life he knew how to do only one thing, and that was juggling. After several months of drinking, he had wasted all of his money. The only thing he had left were the clothes he was wearing and the juggling kit. He decided to leave all of his failures behind and become a monk. He sold his juggling kit and used the money to travel to the nearest monastery.
Ten years had passed when the once famous juggler couldn't handle the abstinence anymore. He sneaked out of the monastery and searched for a pub to have a few drinks. Even though he had grown a long beard, the bartender at the pub remembered his face and recognized him:
"Aren't you the juggler who was world famous about 10 years ago?"
"Yes, I am."
"What happened to you, where did you go all those years back?"
"I became a monk."
"Well, if you're a monk, why are you drinking?"
"For ten years, I haven't touched a single bottle. For ten years, I haven't touched a single woman. I just can't take it anymore, I want to feel like a normal person again"
The bartender understood his problem and nodded in agreement. He then pointed to a woman sitting at the other end of the pub and said:
"I'm sure she could take care of your second problem. Just show her your juggling skills and she will definitely be impressed."
The monk responded:
"Yes, I've been thinking about it as well...
...but I don't have the balls to do it."
