Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Monday, October 31, 2016
I Lost My Watch At A Party Once...
I lost my watch at a party once. I saw this guy stepping on it while sexually assaulting a girl. I walked up to him and punched him right in the nose. No one does that to a girl. Not on my watch.
We Can't Really Blame Donald Trump...
I mean look at China; they built a wall and have almost no Mexicans.
I Used To Think The Brain Was The Most Important Organ...
Then I thought, "look what's telling me that"
Which One Of You Am I Going To Have To Fight?
My father told me a story about his uncle. He said that my Uncle was in a town on business and after dinner when walking back to his hotel 7 men suddenly surrounded him and demanded his wallet. My Uncle being the hard ass he is asks the men "well, which one of you am I going to have to fight?" The men looked at him kinda weird and one man finally spoke up and said "no I don't think you understand. You're going to have to fight all of us." My Uncle calmly pulled out his revolver and said "nah, you don't understand! See I'm going to shoot six of you, so which one am I going to have to fight?"
Two Historians Are Discussing About The Holocaust
- The holocaust wasn't that bad; says one of them.
- Are you out of your mind?; the other one replies.
- What if I were to kill 6 million Jews and one actress?
- But why the actress?
- See, nobody ever cares about the Jews.
I Wanted To Get My Sex Change Reversed From A Woman Back To Being A Man...
...but I didn't have the balls to go through with it.
My Friend Recently Passed Away After Eating Some Poisonous Mushrooms
It's pretty sad, he was a really fungi!
So There's This Family Of Polar Bears
There's a father a mother, a baby polar bear and the mothers father also stays with them. One day the baby polar bear goes up to his mother and asks "Mom, am I completely polar bear." His mother replies "Yes of course. Your father is completely polar bear and so were both of my parents.". So the baby polar bear moves on. The baby polar bear then goes to his father and he again asks "Dad, am I one hundred percent polar bear?". The father then responds "Of course my dad was a polar bear and so was my mother." The baby polar bear then moves on again. He approaches his grandfather on his mothers side. He asks his grandpa "Grandpa, is our family all completely polar bear." The grandpa responds "Of course, we've all been polar bear as far back as I can remember. Why do you ask?" The baby polar bear says "Because I'm fucking cold." Home Remedies For Mouth Odor
Mouth odor is a common problem that mostly affects people who are not observing regular oral hygiene. The most obvious reason for an odor of the mouth is that particles of the food we consume remain in the gaps between the teeth. This rot over a period of time results in mouth odour or halitosis.
How To Prevent Mouth Odour
The easiest way to ensure that you do not have mouth odor is to clean and floss your teeth regularly. Do not forget to clean your tongue.
Rinsing your mouth with warm water and salt is another remedy.
Chewing on cloves will ensure that your mouth smells fresh.
If the smell refuses to go away despite these remedies then you need to see a doctor. Sometimes a bad smell in the mouth is connected to some kind of problem in the stomach. People who are suffering from constipation regularly that smells of their mouth and should consult their doctor at the earliest.
Drop in a handful of fenugreek seeds in a pot of cold water and boil. Then strain and drink the liquid with the essence of fenugreek in.
Do not eat food products containing white flour and sugar. Healthy meals would prefer your food. Instead, eat healthy meals. These should include fresh fruits and raw vegetables. You can drink a variety of juices, but avoid drinking coffee or carbonated beverages.
SOURCE:http://www.naijahomeremedies.com/2015/10/Mouth-odor-remedies.html
A Mexican Magician Says To The Audience:
"For my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno... Dos..." POOF. And he disappeared without a tres.
Whats The Difference Between Me And Jimmy Fallon?
I can get through his opening monologue without laughing
Why Did The German Woman Have To Stop Spoiling Her Son With Sausages?
Because she was making the brat worse.
Two Cops Are Going Through A Taco Bell Drive Through.
Unknowingly, the woman working is being held up in a robbery. She leaves a note on a cop's napkin indicating that there are two armed men inside. Upon discovery of the note, one of the officers reads the message aloud. To which the other replies," I hope there are two armed men inside. How could they roll tacos with just one arm?"
I Tried To Teach My Illiterate Nymphomanic Girlfriend The Alphabet.
But she only wanted the D.
I'm testing this joke here before i try it on my critics of mates.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Dog Names
If you're thinking of a name for your dog. you should name him Stains, because how do you call for a dog?
Come Stains
A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that… 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
I Had An Interview At A Solar Power Plant Today...
And they asked me how well I understood theoretical physics. I told them, I have a theoretical degree in physics. They said welcome aboard.
Sorry, hype is an overwhelming thing.
[UK] Roads Lead Many Places.
The M25 walks into a bar, punches the M1, spits on the M4, and kicks the stool out from under the M40 before ordering a drink. The bar-road shakes as he passes the drink over, terrified of what the M25 might do. All of a sudden, a short, skinny piece of red tarmac walks in and the M25 dives under a table, cowering til the red tarmac has left. The other roads laugh at him and the M1 asks what's wrong. "Hard bastard I might be mate, but that red thing's a bleedin' cycle-path!"
I Sent Gloves To My Friend With No Hands As A Christmas Present
He still hasn't unwrapped it the ungrateful fucker
Pet Lobsters On A Beach
A man is walking a long a beach with a bucket of fresh lobsters, when he is stopped by a local law enforcement officer.
"You cannot have those lobsters! We take lobster poaching very seriously."
"Oh, no sir, these are not poached. These are actually my pet lobsters. Every day I walk them to the edge of the water and let them swim around for exercise, then I whistle and they all come back to me. See, let me prove it."
"Well, ok," he says as they both walk towards the edge. The man tosses his pet lobsters in the water and they wait for a few minutes.
Finally, the lawman says, "Alright, that's enough, whistle your lobsters back in."
The man responds, "Lobsters? What lobsters?"
Shortly After Giving Birth...
Doctors rush the young woman's baby away citing complications.
After a few anxious moments a doctor returns and tells the young woman he has both some good news, and some bad news.
Naturally, having been presented the options the new mother opts for the bad news first...
"Well I'm afraid to say miss that your baby is Ginger" the doctor delivers the news cautiously.
"Oh, ok, well, what's the good news?" she asks nervously.
"It's dead"
Whats The Difference Between Asians And Mexicans?
Asians build huge walls. while Mexicans climb over them
- Donald Trump
If I Had A Dollar For Every Girl That Found Me Unattractive
They would eventually find me attractive.
How Do You Know When A Singer Is At The Door?
First they don't know when to come in, and then they can't find the key.
Why Is There Always Only One Shoe On The Side Of The Street?
Because if there were two they would be hanging from the wires.
I Never Knew How Involved The Hispanic Community Was With Climate Science
They were all talking about "El Niño" today at work.
A Bear Walks Into A Bar.
When he get to the bar he says “I' ll have a rum and.......coke.” “Why the long pause?” asks the bartender. The bear replies “Well, I am a bear”
I Bought A Ceiling Fan The Other Day.
Complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying "Oooh, I love how smooth its is!"
What Did The Cow Is Standing All Alone In A Field Say?
Where are the udders?
(Thanks to my three boys for that one!)
My Subreddit Still Misses Me.....
But its aim is getting better! Its getting better! Y'see, it's funny, because this TV show's joke is terrible!
JOAJE!
Internet Cookies to the first person who tells me what this references to! (:
Silvio Berlusconi Tells The Bunga-bunga Joke...
Silvio Berlusconi explains that it was a joke between him and Colonel Gaddafi, who he counted as a firm friend. The joke goes:
A pair of Italian politicians are captured by a fierce African tribe and tied to poles. A tribal leader says to one of the Italians: “You, do you want to die or bunga bunga?” The politician chooses the second option. But bunga-bunga turns out to mean forced intercourse. “All the warriors in the village did him,” said Mr Berlusconi, laughing as he recounted the joke. The tribal leader then approaches the second Italian and asks the same question. The terrified Italian says: “I’d prefer to die.” The tribesman replies: “Fine, you will die, but first let’s do some bunga bunga!” Mr Berlusconi added: “It’s from this joke that the whole bunga bunga thing came from.”
Saturday, October 29, 2016
The Policemen, The Driver And The Titanic
Two policemen stopped a Ferrari for a routine check.
Inside the car were a distinct black man, with curly black hair and raven black eyes.
- "Documents please ... "
The driver shows his license and registration certificate.
The patrol leader reads:
- "Name: Leonardo"
Amazed, he looks at the driver.
- "Last Name: DiCaprio"
Even more astonished,he looks again at the driver.
- "Blue eyes, blonde hair ..."
Now, turning to his colleague:
- "Hey Jim, did the Titanic sink or burn?"
Whats The Difference Between A Girls Track Team And A Band Of Pygmies?
One of them is a cunning bunch of runts...
What Does A Landmine Field And My Pet Friendly Apartment Complex Have In Common?
It doesn't matter where you step, shit is about to happen
Where's The Best Place To Hide An Elephant?
Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant?
Me: I don't know, behind a big rock?
Dad: In a tree silly.
Me: In a tree?
Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?
Johnny Walked Into His Parents' Bedroom...
He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.
"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every once in awhile I have to bounce on top of him to push it back in," she exclaimed.
Johnny, just as puzzled as ever turned to her and said, "You're wasting your time, every day when you go to work Mrs. Jones from across the street comes over and blows it back up."
Bush, Osama, And Saddam Are Walking Through The Desert When They Find A Lamp.
Osama quickly picks up the lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out and says he'll give each of them one wish. Osama wishes to be in Baghdad, where he knows Saddam will protect him. The Genie nods, and poof, he's gone. Saddam picks up the lamp and wishes to be in Iraq with an impenetrable wall around Iraq that can't be flown over, or dug under to prevent the US from ever invading. As before, it's done and the Genie turns to Bush. What is your wish he asks. Bush shrugs and says "Fill it with water."
A Boy Comes Home Late
My teenage son strolled in at elevenish last night:
"Get here, boy!" I said. "Let me smell your fingers."
"I don't smoke, dad. I've been over the park with my girlfriend," he protested.
"I know, son," I said, sniffing deeply. "I know..."
A Man Is Lost In The Desert. (Not Nate The Snake)
A man is lost in the desert. He tired and has he's stumbling up another sand dune he comes across a lamp. "What the hell." He think and rubs it three times and a genie pops out. "Thank you so much!" The genie tells the man. "I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish." The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, "You see this part of the world right here?" He points at the Middle East. "There's so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists." The genie simply responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, "I'm sorry my man. Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true." A tear drops out of the mans eye. He really wanted to make a difference. "Cheer up!" genie says, "You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?" "Well... You know Mariah Careys vagina? How it's all blown out and used up? I wish it was nice and tight again. Like when she was younger." The genie responds, "Let me take a look at that map again."
Seven Wheelchair Athletes Have Been Banned From The Paralympics
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Three Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates....
So St. Peter says in light of it being Christmas I'll send you back to earth if you can present something to me that symbolizes Christmas.
So the first guy pulls out his keys jingles them around: these are Jingle bells
The second guy pulls a white cotton out from his pocket: this is Santa's beard
Third guy checked every pocket he has and he produces a pair of women's underwear. So after thinking for a second he puts the underwear under Saint Peters nose and says "these are Carol's"
Since The Snow Came, All The Wife Has Done Is Look Through The Window.
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Two Atoms Are Walking Down The Street...
And the first one says "shit man, i dropped an electron!" "Are you sure?" Says the second one. "Yeah, im positive!"
Dicksuckers Cramp
Guy 1: "You know what this face is?"
Holds mouth open in an O
Guy 2: "No, what?"
Guy 1: "Dicksuckers Cramp, get it?"
Guy 2: "Yeah"
Guy 1: "How often?"
Some People Came To My Door Asking For Donations To The Local Pool.
So I went and poured them a glass of water.
What's The Difference Between A Hooker And A Drug Dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
When I Was Little I Was Afraid Of Dinosaurs
But growing up i learned they all died.. Now i am afraid of dinosaurs ghosts
Came Across This....
Smoking seriously causes damage to you health.
I was guessing what does smoking jokingly does??
My Buddy Told Me This One: "People Think I'm Ugly Until They See My Bank Account"
"Then they think I'm ugly and poor."
Friday, October 28, 2016
Old Soviet Joke About Popular Movie Character Called Stirlietz (Soviet Spy In Fascist Germany )
You should read it with strong Russian accent.
Stirlietz caught a mouse. Then he injected a syringe full of gasoline inside poor animal.
The mouse began run furiously in different directions. Then suddenly it fell down dead on the floor.
- Look's like it had run out of petrol - thought Stirlietz.
Talking Peanuts
A woman sits down at a bar. She orders a drink and suddenly hears a faint whisper.
"Your hair looks great!"
She looks around, confused. The bar is empty.
Minutes later she hears "What a lovely dress!"
Still confused, she asks the bartender what is going on. He points to the jar of peanuts.
"Those are the peanuts" he says. "They're complimentary."
Had A Fight With The Wifey Last Night.
She exclaimed "Shut up, women are always right and men are always wrong." to which I replied "Yes, you are right".
I Have An Outstanding Warrant
for loitering.
*I don't know why my brain thought this was the funniest joke to replay during my sleep this morning but it made me wake up giggling.
The Lone Ranger And Tonto
The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.
(Humor So Black It Could Gather Cotton) Friendly Reminder About R&R In Saigon
friendly reminder for those of you who are going for little of R&R to Saigon or anywhere else. The R&R actually means Rest and Recuperation, guys, not Rape and Rampage...
A Tired And Weary Man Enters A Pub One Night.
It's not his usual pub, he's gone to a town far from his. He sits at the bar and slowly nurses a drink. The bartender sees his glum and inquires what his troubles are.
Sighing, he begins his tale. "I raise 5 kids from birth to adulthood and send them on their way to good, independent lives. Yet am I known as Connor the Father? No."
"I build good roads all my life, no corners cut, no detail skipped. Am I known as Connor the builder? Nope."
Turning to face the bartender, his voice rises. "Gave to the church every Sunday, and always helped those in need. But do they call me Connor the Christian?" He waves his hand in dismissal. "Not a snowball's chance in hell."
Downing his drink and a thousand yard stare forming in his eyes he utters the last "But 35 years ago as a drunken idiot lad you fuck one sheep!!!"
A White Guy A Black Guy And A Mexican Are Lost In The Desert..
a white guy a black guy and a Mexican are lost in the desert.. they stumble across a magic lamp in the sand and all eagerly rub the lamp, poof, a genie appears and says I shall grant each of you one wish, the black guy says I wish that all black people were back in Africa and living wealthy and healthy, poof, wish granted. the Mexican says I wish for all Mexicans to be back in Mexico and living wealthy and healthy, poof, wish granted, the white guy now alone in the desert seems baffled and asks the genie, so you mean to tell me that all the blacks and Mexicans are out of america? that's correct, the genie replies. well fuck.. I'll take a coke then.
While Recently Wandering Through The City, I Passed The Dorm I Lost My Virginity In Ten Years Ago.
It's safe to say that I've come a long way.
How Many Comcast Customer Service Agents Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
...
Is the lightbulb plugged in sir?
My Lesbian Neighbors...
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
I Wanted To Make My Racing Snail Faster..
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
A Poem About Rape...
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his dingey room,
where we would not be seen.
He pulled away my flimsy wrap,
and looked upon my form.
I was so cold and wet and scared,
while he was dry and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine,
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my every self,
I gave him every drop.
He made me what I am today,
that's why you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away,
that once was full of beer.
Nuclear Test
An army general is giving an interview after a nuclear test.
-The nuclear device we have just tested has the yield of 5 to 20 megatons.
Confused, the interviewer asks general what he meant by that.
-Well we thought it was 5, but then it just went Kaboom!
Three Friends Go Snowboarding
Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time. However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort. They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack. But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realize something was very wrong. There was only one bed! So they went and complained to the staff and they told them that was the only room left. Begrudgingly, they decide to just share the bed. They awaken the next morning all refreshed and happy. The friend on the left said to the others,"hey guys, I had a dream about getting a handjob, it was the best dream I ever had!" "That's weird, I had the same dream," the friend on the far right said. The friend in the middle said to the others, "Well that surly is strange, for I dreamt I was skiing."
Dang Squirrels
There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest.
One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained
Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. "I'll roast'm out" he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot.... and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained.
The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.
Police Chase
I was racing towards a cliff with police sirens ringing in my ears when I noticed my mirror was broken and I realized there was no looking back now
My Wife Is Mad And I'm Never Going Food Shopping Again.
She said, "get cat food, a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of whole wheat bread. And, check to see if they have free range eggs. If they do, get a dozen."
When i got home she didn't understand why I possibly thought we needed 12 loaves of wheat bread...
A Man Put His Charity Bucket In My Face.
He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"
I stopped and said, "Do you?"
"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."
I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."
What's Green And Smells Like Pork?
Kermits finger!
This is a guy I knows fav all time joke and I told him I would put it on here after telling him the jokes I read on here.
A Man Noticed That His Thermometer Had Come Down With A Nasty Cold.
Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?"
The thermometer responded, "0K."
I Slept With My 11 Year Old Daughter Once When My Wife Was Away, Now She Expects Me To Sleep With Her Every Night.....
My wife is much more strict with our children sleeping in their own bed, she warned me if a child sleeps in your bed once it is a hard habbit to break. But it was a stormy night and she was clearly scared to be in her bedroom alone.
A Women Asks Her Father Why A Guy That Sleeps With A Lot Of Women Is Called A Player, But A Women That Sleeps With A Lot Of Men Was Called A Slut.
After thinking about it the father says, "Well a key that opens many locks is called a master key, but a lock that is open by many keys, well that's just a shitty lock."
An Italian Man Said...
Papa wants to go an eat some pasta.
That was a shit Italian accent you just said in your head
Four Priests And A Woman Sit Down For Lunch Around St. Peter's Square...
The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'" The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!" The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!" The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holiness!" So, after proudly talking about their kids they look over at the woman with them kind of as if to say "and you?" The woman says: I've got a daughter, she's got knockout face, DDs, and a 24 waist, whenever she walks into a room everyone says "OH MY GOD!"
Divorce & Circumcision
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Latvia Hero
Man and woman stand at road. No potato. Wait for death. See neighbor and politburo come. Maybe death come early? Neighbor say "Much happy! Hero of people come! Make free!" Man say "Has potatoes?" Neighbor say "Potato? Hear! No need potato!" Politburo say "Better news! Politburo make safe. Politburo find shoot man make murders. Now Latvia safe potato dreams makes!" But same man.
Woman and man still wait. Such is Latvia.
In 2012, Wes Anderson Almost Made A Movie...
...about this one king who banished all the roosters from his lands; and subsequently the cows, the only other farm animals there, had to take over the rousing-everybody-in-the-morning duties. The film's title was to be 'Moo'rise Kingdom.
Some Days, I Wish I Were Robosexual,
because if I was into bots, I would have all the luck on Tinder.
A Pregnant Woman Goes Into A Coma...
A pregnant woman goes into a coma 3 months into her pregnancy, 7 months later she wakes up and is told by the doctor she had successfully shit out twins. Due to her being in a coma, her brother was given permission to name them.
"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! What are their names?"
"The girls is called Denise"
"Oh that's not so bad... What about the boy?"
"Denephew"
A Man Sunbathes Nude And Ends Up Burning His Cock.
A man sunbathes nude and ends up burning his cock.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
His blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his cock in a cup of cold milk.
'Good heavens', she remarks, ' I always wondered how you guys reload these things!'
Hans Christian Andersen
Gerda goes out to look for missing Kai. She travels far and wide. Until she finally finds him in the Snow Queen's ice palace. Kai is sqatting and putting something together.
"Kai, come back home, our grandmother is waiting"
"Do not bother me, I am spelling a word"
"Kai, come back home, the sun is warm and the birds are singing"
"Leave me alone. If I spell a word, the Snow Queen is going to give me a new pair of ice skates"
"Kai come with me please, the roses in our garden are blooming"
"Quit interrupting me, I am almost, almost done!"
"Kai, what word are you trying to spell?"
"I am trying to spell the word ETERNITY"
"Kai, but you cannot spell ETERNITY with the letters F, U , C and K!"
p.s. is adaptation of old Russian joke :)
George Michael Was Upset To Find He Had Let A Chocolate Bar Melt In His Pocket
It was just a careless whisper
Raheem Is A Pakistani Orphan Boy Who Has To Walk 5 Miles To Reach His School..
but with your help of a few pennies a month..we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run.
There Once Was A Priest From Siberia...
whose morals were rather inferior. He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done And made her a mother superior.
Definition Of Silane
Silane is compound with silicon and hydrogen, is the floorboard of a series of compounds, including silane silane (SiH4) and b (Si2H6) and some more advanced silicon hydrogen compounds.The most used is silicane.Generally the silican do silane for short. Silane as a source of silicon components of gas, can be used in the manufacture of high purity polycrystalline silicon, monocrystalline silicon, microcrystalline silicon and amorphous silicon, silicon nitride, silicon oxide, heterogeneous silicon, all kinds of metal silicides.Because of its high purity and can achieve fine control, has become many other important special gas silicon source cannot be replaced.Silane is widely used in microelectronics, optoelectronics industry, used in the manufacture of solar cells and flat panel display, glass and steel plating, and is by far the world's only large-scale production of granular high purity silicon intermediate.Silane high-tech applications continues to appear, including used in the manufacture of advanced ceramics, composite materials, functional materials, biological materials, high energy material and so on, as many new technologies, new materials, the basis of the new device.The silane and is famous for its characteristic of spontaneous combustion and explosive.Spontaneous ignition of the silane has a very wide scope and strong burning energy, determines its gas is a kind of high risk.
3-Mercaptopropyltrimethoxysilane (source:http://www.ac-chem.net/news/definition-of-silane-ac05.html)
What Do You Get When You Cross A Jehovah's Witness And A Hell's Angel...
someone that rings your bell on a Saturday morning and tells you to Fuck Off!
A Husband Dies And Goes To Heaven.
A husband died. A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to his with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
I Was Looking For Hours For My Thread On Reddit..
Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(
A Midget With A Speech Impairment
A midget with a speech impairment wants to buy a horse, so he goes to a farm and the farmer takes him to see a beautiful mare. He says to the farmer "can I shee itsh mane? So the farmer lifts him up and the midget says "thatsh a vewwy nishe mane, can I shee itsh earsh??" So the farmer lifts him up and the midget says "vewwy nishe earsh can I see it's mouff???" So again the farmer lift the midget and he says "vewwy nishe mouff, can I see it's twat??" So once more the farmer lifts the midget and inserts him fair in the horses arse. After about a minute he pulls the midget out of the horses arse and the midget wipes the crap off his face and says " maybe I should rephashe that, can I see it run around a little bit!"
A Student Isn't Paying Attention In A Chemistry Class.
The teacher notices this.
"JOSEPH!" She shouts.
Joseph, the student, snaps his head up, to look at the teacher.
"Have you even heard a WORD I've said?!" she yells.
Joseph nods.
"Oh REALLY?! Then, I hope you won't mind telling me and the rest of the class the 116th element on the periodic table!"
Joseph looks at her blankly and goes, "Uuh..."
I'm 35 And I Was Out To Eat With My 18 Year Old Girlfriend.
Everyone was giving us dirty looks. Eventually I got up and yelled at everyone "you are all ruining out 10th anniversary."
What's The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Prostitute?
The prostitute stops screwing the client when they die.
Source: eavesdropping on the legal counsel at work.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Old School Pirate Crime
Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that will mark the location of the unbound riches of their future. A well known calligrapher lived in the area and Clumsy Edward knew just how to get their much-needed red ink!
"Put ye hands out and I can vault into the window he keeps open, Cap'n. In an out real quick-like, sir! Ink an everything!"
Clumsy Edward's plan was foolproof. The night had come and Captain Normal Beard and Clumsy Edward were outside the calligrapher's home. All according to plan, the window the duo had planned to use was open and the home was dark. Normal Beard interlocked his fingers as if he'd done it hundreds of times before and Edward was in the window in no time.
Here's where the issue arises.
Clumsy Edward, claiming his name once again, had only put enough forethought into the operation to get into the window. He was unaware of the layout of the small one-room home the calligrapher lived in. He was incredibly unaware that the calligrapher did all of his work right under the window and that he had neglected to put away his work from earlier the night. Clumsy Edward falls through the window and lands onto the table with a loud crash, alerting the neighboring citizens. "Argh, I done crash't into the table an spill't the ink, Cap'n! I'm cover't innit!" Upon hearing the commotion a nearby group of men ran to the scene to find Clumsy Edward leaving the home covered in ink. Black ink on his face. Blue across his entire torso. Red ink covering his arms and hands. Unfortunately, Clumsy Edward and Captain Normal Beard's dream to be wealthy pirates was known to the community and no one believed that Clumsy Edward would do something of his own fruition.
After the fallout of their plan, Captain Normal Beard went to the local tavern to attempt to drown his sorrows unaware of the fate that befell his matey.
Mid-drink Clumsy Edward was thrown into the tavern followed by his captors. Upon making eye contact with his Captain, Edward immediately and profusely apologized. Seeing this, Edward's captors seized Captain Normal Beard and showed him the evidence against him. The black ink on Edward's face. The Blue in across his torso. And finally, the red ink covering his arms and hands. "We believe Edward here to have broken into the calligrapher's home with your instruction, Normal Beard. What do ye say to these accusations?"
Captain Normal Beard was completely stunned, unable to come up with a good reason for their predicament. Normal Beard knew that he and his matey had been caught and they would surely hang for destruction and theft. His dream of becoming a pirate was over before it started to come to fruition. Being a man of his word, never lying, yet still sour over the outcome of the night said but one thing to the men..
"Aye, we did the deed.. An I woulda got away wit it too, had ye not caught me Red Hand Ed!"
EDIT:
First post, long time redditor. I was unaware as to how long this would be. I just thought of the punchline and came up with a story on the fly. I hope at least one person gets a chuckle out of it, although I doubt it warrants a laugh or a bellow with how lengthy it is and how weak the punch is. Nevertheless, hope someone enjoys it and ANY criticism is more than welcomed. I have aspirations to possibly become a stand up comic, but of course not with jokes like this seeing as how it is far from suited for that kind of venue. Any way to shorten this joke is also extremely welcome. More so than any criticism, whether it be constructive or not.
Post Edit TL;DR
A pirate captain, Normal Beard, and his matey, Clumsy Edward, attempt to steal ink to make treasure maps. They break into a calligrapher's home with the matey clumsily falling and getting covered in ink, in particular, red ink on his arms and hands. The matey is caught and brought to the pirate captain by his captors who then interrogate the captain of his suspected crimes, bringing up the ink on his cohorts arms and hands. Being a man who doesn't lie, yet is still flustered the captain proclaims, ""Aye, we did the deed.. An I woulda got away wit it too, had ye not caught me Red Hand Ed!"
Post Edit TL;DR Edit
It seems I just shortened my joke for myself... Which version do you like better? Possibly something between length-wise?
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Crashed His Car Into A Tree?
He wanted to see how much his Mercedes Benz
Remember Those Chilean Guys Trapped In That Mine?
I was reading that they wanted alcohol and cigarettes sent down to them during their ordeal, but the Chilean government denied the request because they were miners.
I'm Having Gynecomastia Surgery In The Morning
I haven't really told anyone. I just needed to get that off my chest
**I was literally going to post to /r/offmychest, but they arbitrarily ban people for posting to subreddits that they don't like.
Guy Walks Into A Bar...
A horse is behind the bar. The man just stares at the horse. "What can I get you?" asks the horse. "Oh, I'll have your house special on draught please." But he keeps staring at the horse. The horse brings him his drink, and then leaves to attend another customer. A couple minutes later, he returns, only to find the man still staring. "Okay sir, I haven't done or said anything to you, so why are you staring at me like that? Stop looking at me!" The man shakes his head in astonishment.
"Oh, sorry. I was just wondering what happened to the goat who worked here before."
Girl, You're Like A Supermassive Black Hole...
...because you're incredibly dense, nothing is more attactive than you, and once you suck me in there's no going back.
What's The Worst Part About Locking Your Keys In Your Car Next To An Abortion Clinic?
Having to go in to ask for a coat hangar.
Jehovah's Witnesses Don't Celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.
I Was Walking In The Woods The Other Day...
... when I ran into a bear and I accidentally played Dad instead of Dead. Now it can ride its bike with not training wheels
Whats The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
one's really heavy and the others a little lighter!
A Man Had To Go Abroad For Work For A Few Months And Left His Pet Cat In His Neighbor's Care
A month into his trip, he suddenly gets an email from his neighbor, "I am sorry John, but your cat is dead". He immediately left everything and flew back home. He loved his cat very much and was devastated by his death. He gave the cat a proper funeral, and then was prepared to go back to work again... Before leaving, he met his neighbor. He told him, "Thanks for letting me know. But you know, if something like this happens to someone in the future, you should not break the news like that, I could have got a heart attack, you know! You should always break such news slowly. For example, you could have sent me a mail saying, 'Hey John! Your cat is doing great, just today I saw it climbing the tree behind your home.' Then another in a while, 'Hey John, I am afraid there has been a bad storm, and the tree behind your house has fallen down'. Then, 'Bad news John, it seems your cat was stuck in the tree when the storm came... He is badly hurt and we are taking him to the vet now'. And then finally another mail, 'I am very sorry John, but we could not save your cat'. In this way, I would have been more prepared for the bad news"
His neighbor said, "I am sorry John, you are absolutely right. I will keep this in mind"
So John goes back to work, trying to forget his grief of losing the cat.
A couple of months later, he gets another e-mail from his neighbor. "Hey John, hope you are doing great! Just had a visit from your mother. She is climbing the tree in our backyard now!"
There Was Once This Starving Homeless Man Near Pyongyang...
This joke has been removed. Food and shelter is plentiful in North Korea. To desire more is greed.
Why Doesn't Gandalf Dress As A Pimp For Halloween?
So people do not take him as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
I Know 10 Facts About You:
Fact 1: You are reading this. Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips. Fact 3: You just tried it. Fact 4: You're smiling. Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again. Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5. Fact 8: You just checked it. Fact 9: You're smiling again. Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)
Monday, October 24, 2016
Only 2% Of People Can Solve This Test!
What are the opposites of these words?
Always
Coming
From
Take
Me
Down
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, And Texan Were Flying Across Country On A Small Plane...
...when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/mexicanjokes/jumpingoutofplanesjokes.html
A Priest And A Nun Go Golfing...
...They reach the first teebox and decide the Nun shall go first. She sets up her ball and then proceeds to pray
"Oh Father, we thank for this wonderful game of golf and this beautifull day that we can come together and play golf for you glory. I ask for you blessing with this drive. Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen."
The Priest, who is irked the Nun is taking so long takes a puff of his cigar and says.
"Lets go sister, just hit the damn ball!"
The Nuns does just this and executes a perfect drive down the fairway. The Priest strides up and quickly, without praying, hits his ball. His drive slices to the left and his ball disappears into the trees.
"SHIT I MISSED!!"
"Father?!?! You shouldnt use such vulgar language!! May the lord strike you down where you stand!!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever sister"
The Nun and the Priest get into the golf cart and drive to the Nuns ball. She gets out and prays again.
"Father who is in heaven, please forgive the Priest his words and bless the strike I am about to take. Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen."
*huff "Jesus sister just hit the ball..."
The Nun hits the ball and is rewarded with a perfect shot onto the green. The Priest quite upset that he is getting beaten by a Nun, grumpily goes and find his ball. With one foot ona rock and rhe other on the root of a tree, tha Priest takes his shot... and lands his ball in the lake.
"SHIT I MISSED!!!!"
"Father you musnt use such language!! May the Lord strike you down where you stand!!"
The Priest ignores the nun and drives her to her ball.
"May the lord grant me a blessing upon this stroke." Declares the Nun.
She hits her ball and it, of course, goes in.
The Priest, absolutley furious that HE is going to LOSE to a NUN, gkes down to the lake with a new ball. He places it down, grabs his wedge and roughly strikes the ball. His ball flys straight towards the hole, but overshoots and lands in a bunker.
"SHIT I MISSED!!" Screams the Piest.
"May the Lord strike you down with lighting whe-"
All of a sudden clouds gather. A huge lighting bolt smashes to the ground!! Aaaaaaaaaaand... the Nun lies smoking on the ground...
When heard from above a deep voice says,
"SHIT I MISSED!!"
Dad Jokes Are Amazing/beautiful/magical Things!!
People today seem to thing dad jokes are cringe worthy but being a dad i feel i must speak out!! So what arr your best dad jokes?
Why Is Columbus A Slang Term For Cocaine In Native American Communities?
Because it's white and kills them.
My Girlfriend In College Left Me For Another Woman.
I completely misunderstood her when she said she was going to study a broad.
I Bought A New Toilet Brush Last Week
It's okay, but I think I'm going to back to using toilet paper
Another Joke To Tell To Someone You Want To Have Sex With
Three flies are sealed in a jar: two females and one male.
One day, the male fly goes up to one of the female flies and says, "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a second then agrees.
The flies have sex and afterward, the male fly says, "So here's how you get out of the jar: fly to the top of jar, fly around in a circle three times, then dive straight for the bottom. Right before you hit the bottom, pull up, go straight up, and you'll pop through the top of the jar."
So the female fly tries this. She flies to the top of the jar, around in a circle three times, dives to the bottom, and right before she hits the bottom, pulls up, goes straight up, hits the top of the jar and SPLAT, dies.
A few days later, the male fly goes up to the other female fly and says "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a second then agrees.
The flies have sex and afterward, the male fly says, "So here's how you get out of the jar: fly to the top of jar, fly around in a circle three times, then dive straight for the bottom. Right before you hit the bottom, pull up, go straight up, and you'll pop through the top of the jar."
So the female fly tries this. She flies to the top of the jar, around in a circle three times, dives to the bottom, and right before she hits the bottom, pulls up, goes straight up, hits the top of the jar and SPLAT, dies.
A few days later the male fly gets bored and leaves the jar.
Now the person you're telling it to will ask how the fly got out of the jar. So you say, "Fuck me and I'll tell you!"
-- It may take a few minute for the person to bite. After the male fly leaves the jar, treat that as the end of the joke and sip your drink or do whatever you were doing beforehand. The person will sit and think it over for a second before admitting to being confused. Then you ask, "Confused about what?" and then they ask "How did the fly get out?"
Edit: Formatting
The Ol' Reddit Switcheroo. What Made It So Popular?
It had a memorable villian in Pennywise. And Stephen King tells a great story.
I Don't Let My Kids Read Charlie Brown
Bepp cause it objectifies kids and pressures them to have unrealistic head sizes and super skinny bodies. I also don't let my pet watch Pokemon because it sets unrealistic expectations as a pet and promotes animal fighting and cruelty.
This One Made My Dad Throw Up.
Two cowboys got into a dare battle. It started off innocent, like farting on the fire, or stealing the cooks whiskey. But as the week rolls on, the dares slowly get worse as each of the cowboys try to win the battle. As they entered town, one stinking of manure and looking to one up his friend, they decide to go to the saloon for a drink. And he sees it, a dirty old spittoon sitting under the bar, glistening in the evening light. "Hey Kevin," he proclaims "I dare you to drink the contents of that spittoon there."
Kevin, not looking to be called a wuss quickly accepts and struts over to the spittoon. He grabs it and has to peel if off the floor, leaving a spot that hasn't seen sunlight for years. He takes a quick whiff to see what he's getting into and dry heaves. But he quickly pulls himself together, cleans some dried spit off the rim with his sleeve, puts his lips to the rim and tilts his head back. At this point the smell hits the whole saloon, just straight purification, clearing most of the clientele out, covering their mouths and seeking fresh air. Joe begins gulping down the contents, heaving and convulsing after every swallow, letting excess run down his chin and chest. Down his front is just this rotten, pussy, brown and black swirled slime, with chunks of chew and butts falling and splatting on the floor.
After a minute of this his friend eyes watering and mouth dropped open comes to with a fresh whiff of rancid eggs. He heaves and cries "Kevin, stop, that's enough, you win! I cant stand it anymore, you have to stop." At this point, Kevin tips his head back farther and starts drinking more, letting more pussy sludge run around the edge of the spittoon. His friend seeing this looses it and runs outside to vomit. Five minutes later Kevin comes outside, green in face, empty spittoon in hand, and completely soiled with rotten mucus and spittle. Everyone in town is crowded around the entrance to the saloon curious about what was happening, covering their mouths trying to protect themselves from the disease the man is radiating. His friend slowly stands up, cleaning the vomit from his mouth and asks, "Why didn't you stop? I said you won."
Kevin looks his friend square in the eyes and flatly responds, "It was all one piece."
I Can Take Two Pieces Of Rope Eat Them Wait An Hour Then Shit Them Out Tied Together....
I shit you knot... ha shit you knot
Sunday, October 23, 2016
It Used To Be When People Would Tell Me To Go To Hell, I'd Say I Don't Believe In Hell.
But then I got married. So now I just say, "Been there, done that."
What Did The Doctor Say To Mr. And Mrs. Hitler When Little Adolf Was Born?
Looks like you've got yourselves a Neo-natezi!
What's The Difference Between An Old Bus Station And A Lobster With A Boob Job?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
As A Lubricated Finger Was Pushed Into My Anus, I Couldn't Help But Think...
That this wasn't any ordinary vet.
Larry LaPrise, Writer Of The Hokey Pokey, Died Recently.
His funeral was a solemn, tearful affair attended by Larry's friends, family, and fans of his seminal song. After a few hymns and a lot of mourning, it came time for the deceased to be put in the casket. They put his right foot in... and that's when the fun started.
My Chemistry Teacher Said We Were Going To Use Burners Today.
I asked if I could just play my mixtape instead.
Coffee Philosophy
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him:
"Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?" Sartre replied,
"Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said,
"I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
A Few Weeks Ago, I Went To A Party.
A few weeks ago, I went to a party. I ended up meeting this guy. We were first introduced to each other by a mutual friend simply because we shared the same name (Joseph), but we ended up becoming fast friends for reasons beyond that. We had a lot in common. I could see that was blind in one eye and that it had sort of milky or spider-weby stuff on it like a weave. We decided to go out for drinks at a bar a few nights later. We had a great time and decided we should do it more often. So we stayed in touch, hanging out and communicating. Suddenly, four days ago, he stopped answering my texts and his FaceBook account got deleted. I texted the friend that introduced us to ask of they’ve heard anything about him. He said no and that he didn't really know him, he was just at the party through another friend. So that's my ongoing mystery...
Where'd he come from? Where'd he go? Where'd he come from, this Cotton-eyed Joe?
There Once Was A Website Called Reddit...
There once was a website called reddit
Which users could read, view and edit
The "Jokes" sub was boring
Each quip had me snoring
'Cos someone had already said it.
Superman Gets Bored.
Superman has saved the world and none of his super friends have accepted his offer to help not Batman, Green Lantern, Flash, or even Aqua Man. Still bored, he spots Wonder Woman nude sunbathing while returning from the ocean. He gets the idea that he should be able to fuck her with his super speed and she will have no idea. In the blink of an eye he has came! and went now chuckling to hisself as he flies away. Suddenly she sits up and says aloud "what's wrong?". The invisible man rolls off screaming in pain and says "I don't know how, but my ass hole just exploded.
I Just Got Kicked Out Of Karaoke Night For Singing "Danger Zone" Six Times In A Row...
...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts
What's The Difference Between Acne And A Catholic Priest?
acne waits until your 13 to come all over your face
A Black Man Is On The Moon...
And there is a problem.... there are two black men on the moon and there is still a problwm. Now all black people are on the moon. Problem solved. dontkillme
I Like Going To Comicon For The Girls, Sadly Their A Bunch On Butter Faces.
You know... Everything is Pretty, But her face?
Saturday, October 22, 2016
I Never Wanted To Believe That My Dad Was Stealing From His Job As A Road Worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A Maths Teachers Husband Buys An Aston Martin.
He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.
Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"
"W-What?"
"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"
"Why?"
"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"
Why Did The Black Guy Wear A Tuxedo To His Vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
Q: Why Is It That Programmers Always Confuse Halloween With Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor
A Boy Works Up The Courage To Ask The Girl He Likes On A Date
The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."
I'm Bringing A Case Against Google For Prostitution.
You can't just sell yourself and expect to get away with it.
Jim Worked In A Kitchen Table Factory
He said they made everything from dinner tables to coffee tables, and I asked him why they didn't make more fixed-position tables?
He said that would be counter-productive.
Job Interview With Al-Qaeda
Had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today.
"Where do you see yourself exploding in five years? ", they asked.
Political Correctness Gone Mad.
I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."
A Little Saying For Columbus Day My Grandpa Came Up With Many, Many Years Ago.
Fourteen hundred and ninety two, colombus sailed the ocean blue, stepped on a rock, broke his cock, and pissed all over his crew.
A Message To All You Redditors On R/Jokes...
I don't know why you guys are writing so many stupid things. Many of these are just old and recycled. Just come up with some original content for once. Open your eyes and see the cancer you've become. Help yourselves by leaving this place forever. New things await you in the world. Can you not see how much time you're wasting? Everyone would benefit from the death of this subreddit. Never have I been so disappointed in peoples creativity. And just to prove it, read the first letter of my sentences.
Did You Hear What Happened To The Native American Who Drank Too Much Tea...?
They found him dead the next day in his tepee
3 Men Are Drinking At A Bar When A Drunk Wanders In...
He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeeet!"
Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
Edit: due to a series of comments in this thread I wound up creating a new subreddit: /r/drunkjokes
The Son Of A Mexican Father Comes Home From School
The father asks
"How was school boy?" to which the son replies
"Bad, I got detention today" the father was shocked
"For what?" he asked
"Well the teacher told me turn in my ese, but I ani't no snitch"
Friday, October 21, 2016
Sevebty-year-old George. ...
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
My Gf And I Were At The Grocery Store And She Asked If We Could Buy Moon Pies.
I said no. She still had plenty of cream pies left at the house.
When I Was Little, I Played A Lot With My Dad
He would swing me around, throw me in the air and the like. He was working in security, so he was very strong, and we could do this for hours. One day I was climbing over him, when I heard my mom screaming. Turns out it was about the vase I broke earlier. She suddenly came to me, picked me and threw me on the floor and told me to go in my room. I was speechless; this was the first time she was ever violent to me. I couldn't even say anything. I was thrown off guard.
Whats The Resemblance Between A Prostitute And Bungee Jumping?
You enjoy them both untill the rubber snaps.
Before You Criticise Someone...
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If The Shortened Nickname For The Buccaneers Is The Bucs, The Jaguars Are The Jags, And The Patriots Are The Pats...
Then what do we call the Titans?
There Once Was A Website Called Reddit...
There once was a website called reddit Which users can read, view and edit The "Jokes" sub is boring Each quip has me snoring 'Cos someone else did said it.
How Do You Get A Black Kid To Stop Jumping On His Bed? Put Velcro On The Ceiling.
How do you get him down? Tell a mexican kid he is a pinata.
What Did The Cannibal Butcher Say To His Uneasy Customer?
Don't worry, it's all ethically sourced! All my produce commited suicide!
Antisemite Vs Smart Jew
A black man sees a jew on the bus and wants to put him in his place so he throws a penny on the floor and he says cheap kike pick up the penny so the jew turns to his neighbor and says poor nigger can't afford a quarter
A Female Professor Was Recently Found Guilty Of Sexually Abusing A Mentally Disabled Male Cerebral Palsy Patient Under Her Care.
She got moist by her own retard.
Edit: It's totally a real thing, too.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/professor-sexually-abused-severely-disabled-6576429
There Once Was A Website Called Reddit...
There once was a website called reddit
Which users can read, view and edit
The "Jokes" sub is boring
Each quip has me snoring
'Cos someone else usually has said it.
What Do You Get When You Combine A Christmas Tree With An IPad?
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
What's The Difference Between A Catfish And A Al Sharpton?
One's a bottom dwelling, scum sucker
The other one's a fish.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
My Lesbian Neighbors Gave Me A Rolex For My Birthday.
It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Three People Are Running From The Cops.
Three people are running from the cops. The first hides behind a fence, the second behind some garbage bags, and the third in a sack of potatoes.
The cops walk by the fence and hear "ruff ruff" so they think "oh, it must just be a dog" and walk by.
The cops walk past the garbage cans and hear "meow" so they think "oh, it must just be a cat" and walk by.
They walk past the sack of potatoes and hear
POOOOOOTAAAAATOOOOOOO
An Ethical Objectivist, A Relativist, And A Nihilist Walk Into A Bar...
The Ethical Objectivist orders water, the Relativist orders a glass of wine and the Nihilist steals a beer. The Ethical Objectivist is appalled at the Nihilist, and is upset the two are drinking. The Relativist says, “Don’t worry. You aren’t guilty by association.” The Nihilist shrugs and says, “I was thirsty.” The Ethical Objectivist gets flustered, pays their tabs and leaves. The Nihilist looks at the Relativist and says, “I told you his virtues would get us free drinks.”
Why Are MMA Fighters Told Not To Blow Their Nose When In A Fight?
Oops, this was supposed to be for /r/explainlikeimfive.
There's no punch line!
Whats The Difference Between A Girl In A Church And A Girl In A Bath Tub.
One has hope in her soul, while the other has soap in her hole.
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
One's very heavy, the other one's a little lighter
Make Sure To Dress Provocatively If You're Ever Granted A 5th Chance To Overturn Your Criminal Conviction.
Because you definitely will need that six appeal.
[NSFW] Johnny Was Playing Outside...
When he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, "What's that?" She says, "Well, it's a beaver Johnny." The next day the same thing happens, except his mom is taking the shower. He says, "Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out."
Q: You're Sailing On A Boat With A Pack Of Cigarettes, But Do Not Have A Fire Source, What Do?
A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.
Mafioso
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chromeplated 38... revolver so you will always remember me." "But Grandpa I really don't like guns so how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to you watch and say 'TIME'S UP'?"
How Many Cops Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
None, they just stand back and beat up the room for being black.
My Parents Taught Me How To Skydive - They Took Me Up Every Weekend In Their Plane For Practice
The hard part was getting out of the bin bag on the way down
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
A Mild-mannered Man
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
What's The Difference Between St. Patrick's Day And Martin Luther King Day?
Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.
What Do Women And Modern Computers Have In Common?
Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy
Something, Something, Camouflage.
Lol. No one is commenting because they are pretending they can't see my post. That's so Meta.
I Said To A Familiar Person, "Are You A Post In /r/jokes?"
Because I'm pretty sure I've seen you a few times before, but you looked different.
A Man Buys A Train Ticket From A Women With Large Breasts
He says, "hello, can I have a ticket to Tittsburgh?" He immediately realizes he made a mistake and turns to the man behind him and says, "oh my God I didn't mean to say that."
The man replies, "don't worry, it's a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. If it makes you feel better, I had one myself just the other day. I was at breakfast with my wife and I asked if she could pass me the sugar, but instead it came out as, YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!"
Knock! Knock
Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? If you know, why are you asking.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? No
A Pilot Addresses His Passengers Prior To Take Off But He Forgets To Turn Off The Intercom.
He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"
The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."
Gypsys Vs A Bar
firstly im a gypsy (i know its shocking that a gypsy is on a computer)
i was traviling around linconshire and i went to s.e linc (i cant remember where exactly but around that area) and so i stopped outside a bar to get a drink and when i went in i was pushed out by a staff he said 'you cant come in'
'why?'
'because your a gypo'
'whats that got to do with anything?'
'its the rules of the bar'
'so if obama come here you would kick him out?'
'no because hes black'
'you dont make any sense. what is the real reason?'
'becuase you lot takes jobs'
'you do relise that to get a job you need qulifications from schools and people think that gypsies dont go to schools so ,in theory, gypsies arent allowed to have jobs because they dont go to school'
'... just fuck off'
so yeah, the moral of the story is that gypsies can't get jobs because they dont go to school. (sorry this is long i tried to make it funny)
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A Bus Full Of Jews Was Broken Down Nearby Small German Town.
It was sightseeing tour to Auschwitz concetration camp.
Bus driver walked to nearby house looking for some help and knocked the door. The door was opened by old burgher.
Bus driver:
Sorry to disturb you, sir, but my bus is broken down. And I need to deliver all these jews to Auschwitz. Could you help me, please?
Old burgher: But how can I help you? I have only small microwave oven here.
I Got Security Cameras Fitted Outside My House.
Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.
There Once Was A Website Called Reddit...
There once was a website called reddit
Which users could read, view and edit
The "Jokes" sub was boring
Each quip had me snoring
'Cos someone had already said it.
.
.
*edited to please grammar, syllable and tense Nazis. Apologies, but it only took 3 minutes to write, I didn't know it would get so much attention otherwise I would have taken more time over it.
I Showed My 12 Year Old Son An Old Floppy Disk...
He said "Wow... cool! You made a 3D printout of the save icon!"
Why Did A Man Bring A Ladder To The Party?
He heard the drinks were on the house..... I'll see myself out.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Why Do Babies Love Sticking Things In Their Mouth?
And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?
And The Lord Said Unto John; 'Come Forth And You Shall Receive Eternal Life.'
...But John came fifth and he won a toaster.
My Boss Called Me To His Office
- Employee: Sir, you called me?
- Boss : yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate
- Employee: (After few mins) , done sir
- Boss: Do it again
- Employee: Done again, sir
- Boss: Do it once more
- Employee: Now i don't have stamina for it, sir
- Boss Very good,here are my car keys,drop my daughter at home
Planecrash
So a plane crashes in the sea and three survivors make it to an island. There's an American, Chinese and Dutch guy. Of course the American wants to take the lead and says to the Dutch guy; 'you take care of the shelter' and to the Chinese guy: 'you take care of the supplies' and I will get the firewood. So after a while the American and Dutch are back, but the Chinese guy is nowhere around. So the American asks: 'where's the fucking Chinese guy?' Suddenly he jumps up from the bushes and screams: SUPPLISE!!!
"How'd You Know?!"
For health reasons this old guy has to quit drinking. His wife is real strict about it, won't even let him to go this local bar, which is just a block up the road.
Then she has to go out of town. She tells him, "Don't you drink one drop, don't you even go down there." And he's thinking whatever, how's she going to know?
So as soon as she's out of the house, he heads down the block to his bar. One pint turns into four, and four turns into eight, and... Realizing how drunk he is, the guy stands up and falls right over. He's so drunk he can't even walk! So he crawls out of the bar, and then has to shuffle on his stomach the whole way home. Finally he gets home and crawls into bed.
The phone rings the next morning. It's his wife. "I told you not to go drinking, dammit."
"How did you know?" he sputters.
"The bartender called, you left your wheelchair."
I Just Got A Job As A Triangle Player In A Reggae Band
It's really easy, I just stand at the back and ting
Did You Hear About The Gay Fisherman Who Went For A Check Up
They said if he wanted to get better, he had to stop going down on all the docks.
A Survey On The Attractiveness Of Bill Clinton
To find out if he was popular with the female public, Bill Clinton, with a group of scientists under an assumed scientific organization; surveyed over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
The results were:
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
Not mine, adapted it after hearing it from someone else.
A Guy Walks Into A Bar On The Third Floor
in a building in the middle of a city.
He goes and sits next to a man who has clearly been there for a little while, and is very drunk.
After a few beers the drunk drunk guy turns to the man and asks if he wants to see something amazing.
"Sure" the man replied, and followed the drunk to a window in the back of the room, facing an alley and another building.
"The wind pressure is so strong between these two buildings that if you jump out of this window, before you hit the ground you will be brought right back up safetly to this window." says the drunk
"Yeah right, I don't believe you." says the man.
Then the drunk jumped out the window and sure enough right before he hits the ground is brought safetly back to the window.
"Thats amazing!" yells the man and jumps out the window. He hits the ground and dies.
The drunk walks back to the bar, and the bartender looks at him and says "Superman, you are a dick when you're drunk."
Sorry for the long read. But it's an old favorite of mine.
Girl I Heared You Like Bad Boys
I don't like bragging but i am so bad that when my mom tells me i can eat only one cookie i eat two!
Philosophical Parable About Little Sparrow (attention: Real Sad Story, Bro)
Once upon a time, at frosty winter night little Sparrow got frozen and fell on the ground.
Suddenly the Cow was passing by. She put a huge pile of shit on the Sparrow. The Sparrow got warm and started jolly tweeting.
The Fox heard the Sparrow tweeting. She grabbed him out of shit and ate him.
Conclusion:
If somebody put you in shit - maybe he is not your Enemy.
If somebody took you out of shit - maybe he is not your Friend.
If you are in shit - shut the fuck up and don't tweet.
Somebody Actually Complimented Me On My Parking Today.
They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
When Is The NFL Going To Start Drafting Players With Mental Handicaps?
Have you ever seen a video of them getting the ball and not scoring a touchdown?
So A Veteran Jungle Explorer Is Having Tea With The Countess
And her friends. He is vividly telling them about his time in Africa. Explorer: I am alone in the middle of the Savannah and suddenly I find myself face to face with the Giant Tanzanian Lion, I pull my rifle and find the barrel empty and the lion goes explorer on all four on the table, imitating the lion with a fierce look" WWWRRRRAAAAWWWRRR...pause* The countess and friends: Go on. What happened next. Explorer: I shat myself. Uncomfortable silence The countess: hrm well you were alone and affraid, it's perfectly... Explorer: No I just shat myself while making that WRAWR sound.
Monday, October 17, 2016
My Girlfriend Told Me To Take A Spider Out Instead Of Killing It.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
So I Shot My First Turkey For Thanksgiving Today...
It scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section though.
An Architect Is Inspecting A Bridge...
When an Asian man behind to cross it. The architect says: "The bridge seems to have a slope, yeah?"
Two German Spies Came To English Pub During WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
Damn Girl, Did You Fall From Heaven?
'Cause it looks like you hit ever branch on the ugly tree on the way down!
Good Girl Vs Bad Girl
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, "Don't........ Stop" Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."
On A Manned Space Mission...
Somebody accidentally put in a screw upside down. When the space ship took off, it exploded into two pieces. Somebody came up to the guy who screwed in the screw upside down, and said...
"Well you screwed that up."
Why Did The Black Man Wear A Tuxedo To His Vasectomy?
If he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impotent.
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And The Kid Stopped To Read It.
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It. He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Syracuse Graduate And A Great Man." The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It." The Mom Says "Why Not?" The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
Why Was The Blond Excited When She Finished Her Puzzle After 6 Months?
Because the box said 2-4 years!
TIFU By Ordering The Wrong Sandwich For My Wife.
Oops, wrong sub.
Edit: Turns out this has been posted before :(
Some Jokes I've Come Across Working In A Gas Station.
Alright sorry if these are reposts and/or for the racist elements present here we go
Why do you go to a black guys garage sale? To get your stuff back.
Whats the difference between snow tires and black people? When you put chains on snow tires they don't start singing.
What do you call a white guy in a house? A homeowner. What do you call a mexican women in a house? A maid. What do you call a black guy in a house? A burglar.
What Did The Nazi With Celiac Disease Say At The Breakfast Table?
Excuse me, but is this cereal Glutenfrei?
A Joke Meant To Be Told To Someone You Wanna Make Love To... 10% Success Rate.
A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.
Rabbit: What are you? Cow: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Cow: Let's have sex first. --love making-- Cow: I'm a cow.
So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken. Rabbit: What are you? Chicken: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Chicken: Let's have sex first... --Love Making-- Chicken: I'm a chicken.
And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok...
Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok? You: Do you really wanna know?
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Being Sick And Tired Of All The Excess Fat, One Day I Decided To Burn It Off. And Then I Started Running...
..from the police for setting my wife on fire.
A Catholic, Lutheran, And A Jew Are Having Dinner...
They start talking about how much they give for their weekly offerings.
The Lutheran says, "I take $100 out of every paycheck and give it as my offering."
Both other men agree, "Good man, good man."
The Catholic responds, "I take 50% out of all my paychecks and give it as my offering."
Bother other men agree, "Very good man, very good man."
They then turn to the Jew, "How about you?"
The Jew replies, "I take all the money I have and say 'God take everything I got', and throw it up for God, and whatever he doesn't want floats back to me."
What Did One Deer Say To The Other After Leaving The Bar?
I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there
Your Mama Is So Ugly That...
when she has sexual relations with an animal, it's not beastiality, it's animal cruelty.