....that would be a reservation reservation reservation
-credit to Brian Regan
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Monday, July 31, 2017
You Are Who You Are
At the end of time all of God's creations were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates of heaven.
Upon reception St.Peter allowed them to ask any questions they desired and they would receive an answer.
Zebra stumbles to St.Peter, anxious to finally be able to ask his question.
"St.Peter, my whole life I have been so confused about who I am. I have black stripes and I have white stripes. But which one am I? Am I Black or am I white?"
St.Peter furrows his brow contemplating the question at hand. Moments pass and he has still not come up with an answer.
"Zebra, I am sorry but I cannot answer that question for you... however, I do know someone who can."
St.Peter points to another gate to the side and motions for Zebra to follow.
"This is the door to the big man himself. He will surely have the answers you seek."
St.Peter ushers Zebra through the door and waits for him to return.
After a short while Zebra exits the gates, slightly somber and mulling over the words spoken to him.
"Well, what did he say?"
Shaking his head Zebra replies, "He said that I am not defined by the color of my stripes. I can be whatever I wanted to be. I can be black, I can be white, I can be both or I can be neither if that's what I choose." Zebra sighs, "I guess you are who you are."
Upon hearing this St.Peter throws his arms up in jubilation. Beaming St.Peter exclaims, "Well, there you have it. Your answer. You're white!"
Thoroughly confused at this revelation Zebra asks, "What do you mean?"
"If you were black you would have said "you is who you is."
I Can Honestly Say That The Just Say No! Approach Kept Me Completely Drug Free Throughout My Youth.
Whenever I saw a group of kids doing drugs and I asked if I could try some, they just said “No!”
I Told A Girl I Had The Biggest Dick In North America On Record
Then when we got back to my car, I whipped out a Kanye CD
How Did The ISIS Jihadist Smuggle 30 Trophy Dead Bodies Out Of France After Suicide Explosion In A Pickup Truck?
One in the front, two in the back, the rest in the ashtray.
What Do You Have When You Are Having Second Thoughts About Your Booking On Native American Land?
Reservation reservation reservations.
Comprehensive Instructions On How To Fall Down The Stairs.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
Step 7
Since Everyone Is Writing A Poem, Here Is Mine
to do is to be
to be is to do
to do is to be
to be is to do
I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very "Scooby do be do"
Of Dogs And Sausages
America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog.
At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog.
I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog.
He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On days like that, he's a hot hot hot dog dog.
One day my friend asked me why my pet was engorging himself on its favorite food in the middle of the summer. I said to him, "He's a hot hot hot dog dog, dawg."
What Would Caitlyn Jenner Need To Do If She Changed Her Mind About Being A Woman?
She would need to reJennerate some balls.
What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out?
Bruce's up for the evening.
So, I Travel All Around.
So I travel all around the country and every time I make love to a woman, just when things start getting hot and heavy, they all call out the SAME guys name over and over. I don't know who this Jesus guy is but he sure gets around!
A Post Master Hires A Bikie To Do Deliveries
A postmaster puts out an advertisement for postbike riders and a bikie gang member answers it. The postmaster is reluctant to employ him at first, but the bikie is such a surprisingly well mannered guy that in the end he hires him.
The bikie goes about his rounds without a hitch until one day the postmaster gets a ring from the bikie. "Sorry mate, but I've hit a pig whilst driving." The postmaster sighs, but he has faith in his employee, so he says "can you just drag it off the side of the road and put it out of its misery?" The bikie responds with a cheery "no worries" and puts down the phone. The postmaster hears a struggle and then the bikie picks up the phone again - "so, what do I do with his bike?"
Another Australian Joke
Blue and Sheila are getting married.
Blue bursts in at the reception and announces, "All you blokes have to leave. The party's over. Someone stole two cases of beer and a bloke has fucked me Sheila."
As everyone is leaving, Blue comes back in. "It's all right. I found the beer and the bloke what fucked me Sheila has apologized."
Bad Medicine
A man is lying in bed in a hospital after a serious illness. His wife was there to visit, when she went to have a word with the doctor. They returned nearly an hour later. After checking the husband's vital signs, the doctor was called away to another patient.
"Where did you two go for such a long time?" The man asked his wife suspiciously.
"I felt a cold coming on, and the doctor said that he had something for it in the medicine cabinet." His wife replied.
The man frowned. "You'd better go find him and tell him he forgot to zip his medicine cabinet back up."
What Did The Gay Guy Say When He Found Out His Boyfriend Cheated On Him?
That's it; I'm never thrusting you again
If A Tree Falls In The Forest...
...and Linkin Park was playing a concert adjacent to that tree, in the end, does it even matter?
I Also Wrote A Poem, Too, Too
I feel.
You feel.
He feels.
She feels.
They feel.
We feel.
I know I'm not a great poet, but I've been told this is very touching.
How Many Engineers Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100001
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Four Guys Sitting On A Park Bench
There's a Zoophiliac, a Fecalphiliac, a Sadist and a Masochist sitting on a park bench when a cat walks in front of them. As the cat walks away the Zoophiliac cranes his neck and says, "Man, I'd really like to FUCK that cat!" The Fecalphiliac takes a another look and says, "Yeah, but first we should SHIT on the cat, THEN we'll fuck the cat!" The Sadist looks at the two and says, "No, no, no! First we TORTURE the cat, THEN we shit on the cat and THEN we fuck the cat!" The Masochist says, "meow"
What's The Difference Between The Jew And The Bread?
The bread doesn't scream before go to the oven.
Two Deer Walk Out Of A Gay Bar..
One says to the other: "I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks in there."
One Man Is Helping Another Man Move To A New House...
Joe is moving to a new house, and he gets his friend Walter to help load some heavy furniture on and off the truck. While Joe is driving the truck, Walter reads a magazine. Walter sees an interesting factoid, and decides to share it with Joe. "Hey Joe, did you know that 90% of all auto accidents happen within a mile of your house?" And Joe says "huh... Well, guess it's a good thing I'm moving then."
Archaeologists Digging In Egypt Have Found A Mummy Embalmed With Chocolate And Hazlenuts
It's believed to be a Pharaoh Rocher
Proponents For Making Texas An Independent Nation Again Have Proposed A Source Of National Revenue...
A tax will be levied on anyone entering and leaving the state through any of its state borders and Mexico.
Yep, their gonna call it the Howdy Duty.
Everyone One Knows Nissan's Motorsport Brand, NISMO....
But most forget Honda's brand, HOMO...it's pretty gay if you ask me...
What You Shouldnt Answer When A Parent Asks You What To Do If Their Baby Wont Stop Crying
I dont know, just foogle it
The World Health Organization Has Stated That Eating Bacon Increases Your Chances Of Getting Cancer.
Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.
What Dose A Device That Makes Electricity And A Person Who Likes A Comment On Caitlyn's Face Book Page Have In Common?
They are both generators (jenner-rater)
Phone
So you lost your phone and it's on silent, well if you like it than you should of put a ring on it...
Last Week I Was Walking Down The Street...
Last week I was walking down the street when I saw a beautiful bald eagle walk out a convenient store with some cough medicine.
All of a sudden a policeman came out of nowhere and shot him in the face.
I yelled at him "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!"
As he slowly turned to me I could see my reflection in his aviators as he lit a cigarette and said "He was an illeagle"
A Proud New Dad Sits Down To Have A Drink With His Father
"Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time I give you this"
"Dad you don't mean..."
"Yes son, I do" as he pulls out his copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition
"Dad... I'm honored..." He says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honored," his father replies, "I'm dad"
What Does A Astronaut That Likes To Play Basketball Eat For Breakfast
Space Jam I hope this hasn't been posted yet
A Man Goes Into A Bar With A Small Piano...
He puts the piano down and out of his pocket climbs a small man that starts playing the piano. The bartender asks, "Hey man, what is that?" The man responds, "oh, I found a genie in a magic lamp, and I still have two wishes left. Do you want one?" The bartender thinks for a second, and responds, "sure, I wish for one million bucks." And in the room walks a million DUCKS. The bartender turns to the man and says, "hey Pal I think your genie is broken," and the man says "yeah, you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
How Did You Feel When You Found Out Obama Was Half White And Half Black?
Because I had mixed feelings.
A Day In The Office
I work in this office and there are some strange charecters here, for example we have this penny pinching boss who is so strict he keeps a password on the thermostat, locked at 55 degrees. Luckily, we are on good terms so I am the only person who knows the password, 0451 if you want to know. Sometimes he changes it like for the New Years he sets it as the year, or Christmas time when he changes it to the date, but it's late fall right now so there he has it set as the regular code. Although once he decided to be a little generous, he got a new heating system for the office, it's a little screwy sometimes, you turn the heat on but it never actually turns on. But the heaters came with new thermostats, these show the date and the time on them.
There are only three other guys in the office, Tim, he's just a weird one, he asks about what kind of stamps we buy, I don't like him much. Then there is some gay guy. I can't remember his name, he's not exactly a vibrant person, he blends in to the office like he is part of it. Lastly there is an old guy, he's been in the office for decades now, I think he might just be dead and no one ever checked, I have never seen that man leave his office chair.
Right now, we are all working overtime, I think I might have forgotten to go home last night, I can't remember. There was a big crisis back at HQ and now we are stuck with the paperwork. I really don't know what day it is. Suddenly that old guy yells over, "Turn up the heat!" I don't blame him, it's freezing, must be that new heating. After he sees me get up he decides to go be unproductive somewhere else by taunting the other guys. I walk over to the thermostat, I figure I should see what time it is, since I don't remember sleeping.
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday. The regular code, I punch it right in. There's an old man standing next to me, making fun of Tim and that gay.
My Friend Wants To Carve A Venus Statue From A Tree.
That seems like it would take a while, woodentit?
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Did You Hear The Director Planned To Film Two Sequels Simultaneously For The Michael J Fox 1980's Time Travel Comedy?
He planned to make back-to-back back to the 'Back to the Future' future features!
I Went To See A Topless Ventriloquist Last Weekend.
She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.
A Woman Was Suspicious In The Loyalty Of Her
husband for a long time and she decided to make him jealous.
"My love, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?”
"I'd say you're a lesbian!"
Four Men Go Hunting...
They split up into pairs and hunt in different areas. Later, two of the hunters come across the other pair to find one hunter bent over a tree stump with the other fucking him in the ass.
Shocked, the other hunters yell, "What the hell are you doing?"
The hunter who is doing the fucking says, "He had a heart attack."
To which the other hunters reply, "Well then you should have given him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
"How do you think this got started?!" he replies.
My Sister Crystal
I asked my mother earlier today why my sister was named Crystal.
Mother: That's because I love crystals so much.
Me: What about my name then?
Mother: No more questions today, Dick.
With All The Negative News Lately
...about the Paris attacks, ISIS and the Syrians taking over the world there is one thing that is positive and that's Charlie Sheen.
Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow with an identity crisis.
-Interrupting cow w-
-WOOF! WOOF!
An Pakistani In The US Fears For His Safety
Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime.
Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in the world are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I have never felt safer.
I Wrote A Poem, Too.
I blow.
You blow.
He blow.
She blow.
They blow.
We blow.
I know it isn't the most original poem ever written, but I thought I'll blow my way into stardom.
Why Does The Shortage Of Strip Clubs In The Middle East Make ISIS So Angry?
Because there aren't enough ho stages.
Apparently People Are Using Smart Phones Instead Of Credit Cards Now.
I tried this but my cocaine was very lumpy.
I Told My Friend A Chemistry Joke. He Didn't React...
I wanted to tell my girlfriend, but SHe doesn't exist.
2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
A Man Gets Pulled Over By The Police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Well... That's Australians For You
My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!" My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??" I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."
I ALSO Wrote A Poem!
''I do drugs, you do drugs, we do drugs, they do drugs'' Now, I know it's not the best, but it's pretty dope.
A Priest, A Rabbi And An Imam Walk Into A Bar...
..and the barman says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
How Many Yale Students Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Do You Fart In Bed ?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in !!!”
So What Do Islam And Subway Sandwich Shop Have In Common?
A: They both had a pedophile spokesman.
http://www.citizenliberty.com/2015/11/so-what-do-islam-and-subway-common.html
The Foolish Doc...........
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
A Woman Walks In To A Gynecologists Office...
He looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she was sooo sexy. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs.
Do you know what I'm doing?' - he asks her.
Yes, you are checking for any broken or damaged skin.
Yes, - he replies.
He then begins to fondle her tits.
Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks her.
Yes, you are checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.
Yes, - he replied.
Then he mounted her and started having sex with her.
Do you know what I'm doing now?
Yeh, you are getting herpes. That's why I came to see you!
Most Pros Have Been In Jail.
So have most cons.
from an amazing comment that I gilded by /u/wishfulfiction
I Once Thought About Suicide.
Then I realised that there's probably better things to name our child.
As I Spread My Girlfriend's Ass Cheeks, I Thought To Myself...
This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.
What Do Terrorists And The American Government Have In Common?
They both blow up people who don't agree with them.
Doctor Jokes
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
Thursday, July 27, 2017
I Wrote A Poem Too.
I sneeze.
You sneeze.
She sneezes.
He sneezes.
They sneeze.
We sneeze.
Now I know it's not a very original poem, but it's pretty sick.
The Band " The Ghost Inside " Bus Was Just Involved In A Fatal Crash
I guess that means there could literally be a Ghost Inside, the bus.
The Red Banana
There was a man who was a train engineer, but also drove the train, and has been doing this for around twenty years now. Eventually, the man was bored working on the train one day and rigged it to go faster than normal, and on a curve he needed to slow down for, he sped up, crashing into a building and killing everyone on board except for himself.
He was taken to court, and was found guilty, and sentenced to death. He requested his last meal to be a red banana, only to be found in the depths of Jamaica, so a some people went there, got a red banana, gave it to the man, and put him in the electric chair. "Any last words?" The man simply cursed at the officer and the officer pulled the lever.
"Why didn't it work?" the officer asked. "Maybe it's because I'm a bad conductor," the man replied.
A Jew, A Hindu And A Muslim Go Into A Bar, And The Barman Says.....
What a wonderful diversity of cultures we have in this community.
A Man With A Wooden Eye Goes To A Dance.
But of course, no women want anything to do with him. But then, he spots a pretty gal with a hairy lip. He decides that his chances are good and goes up to talk with her. He says "Excuse me mam, would you care to dance?" She seemed stunned and replied "Would I? Would I?" The man angrily shouts "Hairy lip! Hairy lip!"
Yesterday I Saw A Girl Driving Next To Me While Texting On Her Phone...
I was so disgusted by her irresponsible driving that I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
They Discovered A New Mummy In An Egyptian Pyramid.
He was found wrapped in chocolate and golden foil.
They believe his name is Pharaoh Rocher.
It Seems That Jared Fogle Violated Subways Freshness Policy...
by putting old meat between fresh buns.
see you in hell.
What Is The Difference Between Jared Fogel Before Prison, And Jared Now?
Before prison he was paid to eat footlongs.
When Droid BB-8, Was Asked Whether It Should Be Referred To As "he" Or "she"...
BB-8 replied, "I roll both ways."
I Currently Live In A College Apartment With Four Other Dudes...
we go through toilet paper like Hitler went through the Jews
I Read An Interesting Stat Online The Other Day....
Apparently 1 in two and a half men are HIV positive.
A True And Beautiful Story For People Struggling In 2015.
A sad man walked through the jungle in search of a symbol that could inspire a new way of life. The man had done many great things for others in his life, but he felt like none of it made a difference to humanity. As he began to ponder that it was all the small things in life that really mattered, he stumbled across a howling gorilla in agony. Within a net, the beast desperately tired to free itself, but with each attempt, became more and more entangled and howled louder and louder in pain. Upon approaching the massive beast, the man quickly became intensely scared, nervous that the gorilla would retaliate. Trembling with beads of sweat drenched across his brow, the man slowly cut the net and the gorilla stomped through the jungle and never turned back.
Years later a happy man returned to the jungle with a new born child in search of a way to teach his son a new way of life. To show him that it is the small things in life that make a difference to better humanity. Upon traversing across a small, misty creek littered with green ferns the man saw a scarred gorilla by a river bed. He was sure that this was the same gorilla he had saved from the net years ago. The gorilla turned and made eye contact with the happy man, son by his side. As the man approached and held out his arm to greet the familiar creature, the gorilla hoisted him high up into the air and vigorously bashed his brains in on a giant rock. He was thrown far into the river and drowned to death. Must have not have been the same gorilla.
A Reasonably Attractive Girl Applied For A Modelling Job In A Glamour Magazine
She was a candid eight.
69
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
A Team Of Russian Atheletes Did Not Do Well At The Olympic Games.
A team of Russian atheletes did not do well at the Olympic Games. Putin summoned the team together with their head coach and his chief of KGB Nikolai to his office.
"You did not do a good job", - said Putin, - "But let us focus on the future. You will do much better in the next competition. I will make sure of that. Instead of your head coach, I put Nikolai in charge of your training. What competition is next on the calendar?"
Head coach: "It's the Paralympic Games."
Putin: "Nikolai, prepare the team!"
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Why Do Mice Have Longer Sperm Than Elephants?
In the animal world, if several males mate with the same female, their sperm compete to fertilize her limited supply of eggs. And longer sperm seem to have a competitive advantage, but even when it comes to sperm the size of the animals matter. The larger the animal, the more important the number of sperm is relative to sperm length. That's why elephants have smaller sperm than mice.
I Wonder....
Sometimes I wonder what would it feel if 'Dick' is your Real name and you say : "No hard feelings"
The Largest Organ
Q: What's the largest organ in the human body?
A: That depends. If you've just swallowed a Steinway and a Wurlitzer, it's probably the Steinway.
An Atheist, A Vegan, And A Jehovah's Witness Walk Into A Bar..
I know because they told everyone in less than a minute.
What Did Jeffrey Dahlmer Say To Lorena Bobbit?
Excuse me are you going to eat that?
*Ellen Barken on David Letterman show.
Did You Hear About The Latest Innovation In French Tanks?
Rear view mirrors so they can see the battles going on.
Jared Fogle "the Subway Guy" Was Upset To Be Sentenced To 15 And 1/2 Years In Prison Today...
Funny because 15 1/2 years used to sound pretty good to him.
A Couple Had Fight
A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.
The Viper
A woman was sitting alone in her flat when suddenly the phone rings.
She picks it up: "Hello" Stranger: "I am the viper"
Instantly, she hangs up -feeling anxious and slightly nervous The phone rings again
Woman: "Hello, who is this?" Stranger: "I am the viper, I will be upstairs very soon"
This time, the woman is panicking and she's preparing to call the Five-O.
Finally, the phone rings again: Stranger: "I am the viper, I am almost at your room"
This time the woman was dialing for the police, until someone knocked on her door.
She approaches cautiously and grabs a knife. Then shouts; "I've called the cops. Whoever you are, you better run or else....."
The lady opens the door and sees a short, old man.
The man replies, "I am the viper, I am here to vash your vindows."
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Why Doesn't Stephen Hawking Need A Wife?
Because he has his own shoulder to cry on.
Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool
At A Sandwhich Shop...
With my dad and we are ordering sandwiches.
I see all the regulars (BLT, Ham and Swiss, Italian, etc.)
But there's one sandwich that's written down as "A Wreck" for some reason. It's got salami, roast beef, and swiss.
So I said "I hope they don't drop that sandwich on the floor or else that would be an A-Wreck-Tile-Dysfunction."
A Man Goes To The Zoo
He's at the gorilla exhibit when a gust of wind blows some dust into his eye. He rubs his eye to get the dust out and the gorilla sees this and immediately bends open the bars to the exhibit and beats the man unconscious. The man wakes up in the zookeeper's office and the zookeeper asks him what he did to enrage the gorilla. "Nothing," he says, "I just rubbed my eye to get dust out of it." "Oh, in gorilla language that's the equivalent of giving someone the middle finger," explained the zookeeper. The man wasn't very happy with this explanation and began to plot his revenge. Knowing that gorillas will mimic human behavior, the man went to a store and bought one hot dog, 2 knives, two party hats, and two party horns. The next day he returned to the zoo and set the items in a bag within arm's distance of the gorilla exhibit and waited until he got the gorilla's attention. Once the gorilla saw him he reached into the bag for a hat and placed it on his head. The gorilla did the same. Then the man grabbed one of the horns and started playing it. The gorilla grabbed the other horn and started playing the same tune. Finally, the man reached into the bag and grabbed the knife. Before coming to the zoo he had stuffed the hot dog down his pants and at this point he unzipped his fly and pulled the hot dog halfway out. He then cut it in half with the knife. The gorilla reached into the bag and grabbed the knife. It looked down at its crotch, then at the man, then back at its crotch and finally back at the man before rubbing its eye.
How The Pirate Got His Patch
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!" "Well," says the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."
Charlie Sheen Recently Came Out Of The Clinic
That's what happens when you share tigers with Siegfried and Roy
A Young Programmer And His Project Manager Board A Train...
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face.
He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
Edit: Fixed wall of text.
Internet Dating 201(Neg) ->First Post :/
Internet dating 201 (Neg)
I once chatted with a woman who was an avid COD gamer, apparently.
She called me one night, early on and bragged about playing for hours on end in her panties. She then went off about her current kill streak..
I remember stopping her mid delusion and mentioning how lucky she was that I was even considering talking to her!
She was stunned! "What do you mean!?"
"I typically avoid grown women who get streaks in their panties"
This Morning I Made My Coffee With An Energy Drink Instead Of Water.
Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage.
A Man And His Wife Are Sleeping In Bed...
His wife heard some coyotes outside. This being a rural area, she feared for the safety of the cattle, specifically the donkey they had tied outside. So, she asked him to go check it out, but he wouldn't be bothered. She then said to him "You're not a man, you're scared of a few coyotes!" to which the man replies "I'm sure the donkey is a bigger man than I ever will be. He can handle himself."
Jared Fogle Was Given 15 Years In Prison Today...
He was reportedly ok with it, and when reached for comment stated "As long as it's under 18."
The Garden Of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Subway's Jared Got Famous For Fitting Into Smaller Pants...
...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.
Optometrist Dilated My Eyes Today; Everything Blurry
Shortest time I have ever spent on the pot, says the wife...
The Court Was Very Accommodating Handing Jared A Fifteen Year Sentence.
He'll even be able to take his girlfriend out for her 21st birthday.
In High School They Used To Call Me Big Tim, But It Wasn't Because Of My Height, Ladies ;)....
.....its because I was Morbidly Obese.
My Friend And His Girlfriend Are Looking For A Girl To Have A Three-way With...
I told him to find someone whose parents are divorced. You want to find a girl who is comfortable ruining relationships.
What's The Difference Between A Hockey Player And My Exgirlfriend?
A hockey player will shower after 3 periods
A Triceratops Was Recently Found Frozen In The Ice...
... upon closer inspection it turned out to be a tricicle.
If The World Were A Party And All The Countries Were People, America Would Be Despised Because:
- he occasionally takes smaller countries out back to rough em up a little, then acts cool around them
- he takes sneak sips of your drink
- adds drinks and food to other peoples tabs and doesn't pay back
- never helps clean up a mess
- when he spills a drink he just pulls a rug over it while everyone is watching and then says "What spill?"
- he's always inconspicuously listening in on everyone's conversations and ignoring others to their face
- he goes through everyone's phones and takes screenshots and then emails them to himself and then wipes the history for the last 5 minutes and deletes the screenshots.
- he puts ketchup on everything
- he's always telling everyone what to do or how to do it
- gets mad when he sees someone else being bossy
- he constantly waves his brand new $10,000 gold plated iPhone 30 in everyone's face "Hasn't come out yet, bruh"
- he keeps asking everyone "Who invited the 2 Muslim dudes?"
- he always thinks he's right
- he thinks he is doing Gods work.
Comments: Add more ugly traits to America, or describe another country at the party and their attributes.
My First Dad Joke
So, early this morning my wife got up and questioned me after I got up early with our son and fed him.
Her: Did you get our son sick? Me: Nope, I got him cereal.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Playing Golf, For Me, Is Like Having Whiskey Dick.
I know I'm supposed to be having fun but I end getting frustrated and I spend the entire time trying to get it in the hole and not succeeding.
I Signed Up On Match.com...
They set me up with a couch and a bottle of hand lotion...
...on the bright side it was my 1st 3-way.
It Makes Sense That McDonald's Doesn't Manufacture Any Sort Of Ammo.
It would just go right through you.
Did You Hear Jared Fogle Got Sentenced To 15.5 Years In Prison Today?
Under 16, that is a big win for him.
Credit to /u/RandomExcess
How To Explain To Your Parents That You Are A Prostitute
Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
Two Hunters Are Out In The Woods When One Of Them Collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says,
"Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says...
"OK, now what?"
The Closet
A woman was having an affair. One day, her young son came home unexpectedly. He sees what is going on, freaks out, and hides in the closet. A few minutes later his dad comes home...and he suddenly gets a visitor in the closet. They stare at each other for a second...and the little boy finally says, "Dark in here"
The man responds, "Sure is"
"I have a baseball"
"That's nice"
"Wanna buy it?
"No, thanks"
The boy grins..."My Dad's outside"
"OK, how much?"
"$250"
The man agrees
A few weeks later and it happens again...
"Dark in here...."
"Yes, it is." The man says, exasperated.
"I have a baseball glove..."
"The man sighs, resolving himself..."How much?"
"$750"
A few days later, the boy's father says to him, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go play catch"
The boy responds, "I can't, I sold my ball and glove to a friend."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy responds with a grin, "$1000"
The father gets angry, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that! You're going to confessional RIGHT NOW, young man!" And he drags him to church.
He takes the boy to the confessional and throws him in, shutting the door.
Inside, the boy looks around and says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
Xenon Orders A Drink
Xenon and Helium walk into a bar. Xenon asks for a beer. The bartender says: ''We don't serve noble gases here!'' He didn't react.
Funny Thing About TK421.
He was a little short for a stormtrooper. Leia said as much when seeing Luke in his armor. If he'd been TK420 though, he probably would've been a little higher.
I'll show myself out the airlock.
Visiting Child House
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face. Parents can be real jerks...
Sunday, July 23, 2017
I Can't Tell My Horses Apart
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?" A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar. The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
If A Tree Falls In A Forest And The Only Witness Is A Gangster Squirrel.....
Does he grab his nuts and run?
A Guy Goes To The Supermarket...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?" The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
When I Was A Boy I Wanted To Steal A Record...
So I went into the music store and wandered around a bit, trying to look like any regular customer. When the lady at the front counter turned away for a second, I grabbed the closest record to me and stuffed it into the front of my trousers. It still had the jacket around it, so two of the corners were showing near the bottom of my shirt. I flattened it the best I could and started to calmly walk out. The lady at the counter turned back around and asked accusingly, "Son, is there a record in your pants?" "Ma'am, it's impressive, but I don't think it's a record."
Reunion
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary then finally confesses that she hast been totally truthful either. The fifth parrot has to actually stand on one leg.
A Man Had To Do Everything He Was Commanded To
So he was told to jump, and he jumped. He was told to walk, and he walked. He was told to stop, and he stopped. He was told to stop following orders and he did. He then created a vortex, went back in time, killed his dad's best-friend who cheated on his father with his mother. His father never met his mother, and he accidentally created a vortex...
Peyton Manning Suffered An Embarrassing Day On The Football Field On Sunday...
... with the worst performance of his Hall of Fame career. His arm is no longer there.
Not since the O.J. Simpson car chase up the San Diego Freeway has America been so disappointed in a slow white Bronco.
Guy Calls In Sick To Work....
Guy phones his boss reporting sick
Boss:"So how sick are you?"
Guy: "Well I'm in bed with my sister"
A Little Old Lady Sold Pretzel
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner. The price of a pretzel was 25 cents. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
5 Pieces Of Advice For Men To Live A Happy Life.
You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
You should find a woman that is a good cook,
You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
Finally Got My Dream Car Today
http://i.imgur.com/HTrSOkJ.jpg
I got my car finally today, I am not showing off it, just want to tell you that a person should have a dream, if you try your best, your dream will come true, don't ask me why I chose silver color, because silver color car is not easy to get dirty!
Radio One Has Banned Its DJs From Playing Madonna Songs, Saying That At 56 She Is Old And Irrelevant.
Yeah, at the BBC they only like them young.
What'll You Have?
A drunk guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender wanders over and asks the guy, "what'll you have?"
Drunk guy says, "get me a whiskey and get a drink for that douchebag chick at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "buddy, you can't talk about our patrons like that!"
"Just get me a whiskey and get a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar."
Bartender says, "get your drunk ass outta here, buddy."
"Okay, okay, get me a whiskey and get a drink for the lady at the end of the bar."
Bartender pours the guy a whiskey and goes down to the end of the bar. "Lady, that guy down there wants to buy you a drink, what'll you have?"
Lady says, "How nice! I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"
So TSA Took A Buzz Lightyear Toy Off A Child...
I guess they thought it would say "To infinity... and be-bombed"
So My African American Friend Told Me He Was Richer And Had More Things Then Me.
So i told him "At least i can say Hi dad and Thanks for the warning officer.
St. Peter And The Bus Full Of Nuns
A bus traveling from the local convent crashes. Everyone on board dies and goes to heaven. They approach the gates and St. Peter asks them if they have been faithful to their vows. The first nun admits to St. Peter that she has indeed touched a penis. "With what did you touch it?" he asks. "My hand" replies the nun. "Dip your hand in the holy water to cleanse yourself and you may enter" Says St. Peter Suddenly a commotion erupts from the back of the line and a nun rushes up shouting "Me first, I'm not drinking that after sister Patience puts her ass in the water!"
Two Blondes Are In A Restaurant High-fiving Each Other...
A man walks up and asks what they are celebrating so enthusiastically. Proudly they proclaim "People like to say that blondes are stupid, but we proved them wrong! We assembled this entire puzzle in only three days, and it says 2-5 years on the box!"
Saturday, July 22, 2017
If Laziness Was An Olympic Sport...
I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.
Edit: too lazy for dictionaries, thanks /u/ReddSpy
At The Dance...
At the dance there is a young man named Roy who is sitting nervously, afraid to speak to any of the young ladies. Roy has a wooden eye and he feels that everyone is looking at it. Hours go by and Roy continues to sit by himself wishing he had more courage. Across the dance hall Roy notices a girl with a large wart on the end of her chin. At that exact moment she notices Roy and their eye(s) meet. Immediately Roy stands up and goes to the girl and asks if she would like to dance. "Would I? Would I?" she asks feeling flattered. "Wart face wart face." Roy says and walks away.
A Pole, A German And A Russian Are Stuck In Blank Room With Satan
A Pole, A German and a Russian are in blank room with Satan. He said:
-I want you to take these and do the best trick you can. - Having said so, he gave everyone in the room two tennis balls.
He first gave them to the german. He threw them forward, they bounced off of the wall and both landed next to one another infront of the Germans feet.
-Good, however, this is not what I'm looking for.
Satan heads towards the Russian.
The Russian throws his tennis balls to his right hand side and his left hand side respectively. They bounced off of the wall and landed next right next to one another in front of the Russian's feet.
-Well done, however, this still isn't what I'm looking for.
Satan heads towards the Pole.
He broke one ball and lost the other.
I Wrote A Poem.
I dig.
You dig.
She digs.
He digs.
They dig.
We dig.
Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.
The Small Skulled Boss (nsfw)
So, I'd been working at my company for a while (I won't say which one, but you probably have used their product today). Yesterday, the CEO of the company came into our department and had a sit down with me. When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was the size of his head. It was the size of a baby's head. It was all I could do to keep from staring. After our meeting, he invited me and my co-workers out for drinks and after about six shots I finally got the courage to ask him about his tiny noggin.
He laughs and says "You caught me in a good mood. I will tell you the story. About ten years ago I was fishing in the Gulf of Mexico all by myself and I caught myself a mermaid. She told me that if I let her go, she would give me three wishes. I, of course, let her go. I asked to be a rich man as my first wish and she made me the CEO of this company. I asked to have luck with the ladies whenever I wanted. In retrospect that was a wasted wish because the money takes care of that anyways. Well, the problem came with my third wish. I asked to fuck her and she said 'I would, but unfortunately, I am not equipped for that,' to which I replied......... How about a little head?"
A Pedophile Is Watching A Baseball Game.
He asks his friend, "I-I- I wanna ask a girl out- but she's out of my league."
The friend asks, "How so?"
The other man says, "She's in Little League."
What Is A Vegetable's Favorite Martial Art?
He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe.
A Jewish Guy And A Chinese Guy Are Sitting On A Bus
The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says "man I really hate Chinese people." The Chinese guy goes "why?" And the Jewish guy goes "because you guys bombed Pearl Harbor!" The Chinese guy says "that wasn't us that was the Japanese!" The Jewish guy replies "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese you're all the same!"
So the Chinese guy thinks about this and then says "well you know what? I really hate Jewish people!" And the Jewish guy goes "why?" And the Chinese guy goes "because you guys sunk the titanic!" The Jewish guy says "that wasn't us! That was an iceberg!" The Chinese guy replies "iceberg, Weinberg, Steinberg you're all the same!"
Did You Hear About The Chemistry Teacher That Yelled NaCl During Class?
He was arrested for assault.
This Jokes So Dark, It's Not Welcome In South Carolina
He:Babe Come Over She:i'm Playing Arkham Knight He: My Parents arent's home She:neither Are Batmans
A Plane Crashed On An Island...
... and there were only 3 survivors. After wandering the island, the 3 survivors ran into a native tribe. The tribe said "If you can fit 10 of any fruit up your ass without making a sound, you will become the leader of our tribe, but if you make a sound, we will cook you and eat you.
The first man chooses apples, he shoves up 2 apples and starts screaming, the tribe cooks him and eats him.
The second man chooses cherries and fits 9 up, but starts howling after the 9th cherry, so the tribe cooks him and eats him.
Up in heaven, the first man says to the second man "Why did you make a sound? You were almost there!"
The second man says "Well, I would have done it, but I saw our other friend coming back with watermelons.
Thomas Case And His Son Justin Are Going To A Bank...
"Father, why are you taking a gun with you?"
"Justin Case!"
I Changed My Gender On Facebook To "Mail"
Now you'd get charged with more than just one felony for opening me without permission
Cancer Research Scientists Have Grown Human Vocal Cords In A Petri Dish.
The results speak for themselves..
Antman Receives A Call From A Marine Biologist At Seaworld...
A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas. He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females.
Antman agrees, shrinks down, and is injected into the Orca. He performs the micro-surgery, but gets stuck in the urethra.
Just at this moment, the creature starts to get arroused. Naturally this has never happened to the orca before, and he does whatever it is teens do to relieve his condition.
Antman is suddenly expelled into the tank, and grows back to human size as he screams, "THANK YOU!"
The orca looks confused and says, "You're...Whale cum?"
Friday, July 21, 2017
A Mom And A Baby Duck Cross The Road With A Mom And A Baby Skunk
The all cross the road. When they get to the other side both the moms had gotten hit by a car. So its just the babies. The baby duck talks to the baby skunk. "Well my mom never told me what i am, do you know what i am". The skunk said " Well you're yellow, have webbed feet and have a bill. i believe you are a duck. The duck says "Oh yaaah i am a duck". The sunk asked the same question. The duck said " Well you're not totally black, but you're not totally white, and you stink. You must be Mexican. XD
Three Nuns Die And Go To Heaven.
Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.
The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"
The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through.
The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The second nun walks through.
The third nun was then asked "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun, stumped by the question, says "Boy, that's a hard one."
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open.
[Request] Jokes About Time Travel.
Back in the late 90's - early 2000's, there were time travel jokes floating around the internet that were clean yet funny (to my 15 year old self). They all started out similarly. I remember one that went something like:
"When traveling back in time, don't hang your arm out the window. It'll turn into bone."
There was another that went something like...
When traveling back in time, don't make eye contact with those traveling toward you because..."
...but I don't remember the punchline. Are these familiar to anybody?
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Sees A Horse In The Corner With A Large Jar Filled With $20 Bills. (Really Long Read)
The man asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the horse?"
The barkeep replies, "That horse came in 2 days ago, challenging people to make him laugh. If they failed, they put a 20 in the jar. If they succeeded, they took the jar. As you can probably tell, nobody has done it."
The man grins and walks over to the horse. The horse, watching him approach, opens the jar. The man whispers something into the horse's ear, and it immediately begins laughing so hard it nearly drives him to tears.
The bartender simply looks baffled as the man walks out with a jar full of money.
A week later, the horse is back, with three jars of money instead- and a fourth about half full. The man enters the bar, approaches the barkeep again, and the barkeep simply says, "Make him cry this time. Bastard pulled 60 dollars off me."
The man grins even bigger than last time, walks over to the horse, and shows the horse something. Then the horse starts bawling his eyes out, and a very smug man walks to the bar to give the bartender $60 back.
The barkeep finally bites, "Fuck man, what did you tell him?"
The man smiles, and says, "To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick. To make him cry, I proved it.:
Hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'
My Mother Once Told Me To Get Rid Of The Assholes In My Life
She then complains that I never contact her.
Stephen- "So Monica, Do You Like Wendy's?"
Monica - "Ye-"
Stephen- "WHEN-DEEZ NUTS BE SWANGING IN YOUR FACE.,.."
Little Jewish Boy
A little jewish boy comes up to his father and asks for 40 dollars for a school field trip. His father looks down at him and says "30 dollars, what do you need 30 dollars for?"
The Best Joke To Tell At Parties
3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"
List Of THE MOST Terrible Jokes I Have Ever Found!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"
My house wears clothing you know, it has address!
I am so disgusting, even my nose smells.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
WHATS GREEN AND HAS WHEELS? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
What's furry and has wheels? A cat, I lied about the wheels
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community!
Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer".
Why did the little girl fall off the swings?
She had no arms.
Why did the little girl fall off the swings?
She had no arms.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I am a dog.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What has two legs, and is red all over?
Half a cat.
I like my coffee like my women.
Without a penis.
A man goes to see the doctor. "Doctor everything hurts when I touch it" "hmm, let me see. Touch your arm, does that hurt?" "yes doctor." "Now when you touch your knee, does that hurt as well?" "Ouch, yes that hurts too" "Now if you touch your chest, how's that?" "It hurts just as much doctor." "Just as I thought: your finger's broken."
What did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck an ear
What's green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you? A snooker table.
Did you hear about the brooms? They're sweeping the nation!
Have you heard about that movie "Constipation?" It hasn't come out yet.
How about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
How about the really constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a calculator.
It reminds me of something my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket... He said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other: "Can you smell fish?"
...and the penguin says,"he's not an eggplant, he's retarded!"
"A fish is swimming along and runs into another fish. 'Dumb bass' the fish mutters."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere
You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter
What did one Lawyer say to the other Lawyer? "Were both Lawyers."
Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon
You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
What's The Difference Between A Hooker And A Drug Dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
A Little Boy Sees His Grandpa Drinking Bourbon And Gets Curious...[NSFW]
A little boy sees his grandpa drinking bourbon and gets curious. "Grandpa," he says, "Can I have some of your drink." His grandpa responds, "Can your dick reach your butthole yet?" The little boy is confused and says no. "Well then you're too young to drink my bourbon, son."
A few days later the boy sees his grandfather smoking a cigar. "Can I try some of your cigar grandpa?" He asks. "Well son, that depends. Can your dick reach your butthole yet?" The boy knows what is coming and says no, so grandpa tells him he is too young to smoke the cigar.
The next day the boy is eating an ice-cream cone when his grandpa gets home. His grandpa asks for a bit of the boys ice-cream, so the little boy asks, "Can your dick touch your butthole, grandpa?" Grandpa responds," Yes of course it can." So the little boy says, "Well go fuck yourself grandpa because this is my ice-cream!"
I Never Knew How Smart Dolphins Were...
They are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish
I Tried To Play Counter Strike The Other Day
It felt like a France simulator, I kept getting shot by terrorists
How Indians React To Someone's Success?
Its ok you do that.But if it was me i would done a lot better than you...anyway congrantz..
An Elementary Teacher To Her Innocent Class: "What Are The Two Types Of Reproduction?"
Random student: "Vaginal and anal".
What Do You Calculate Your Odds Of Finding A Vice-President On The Dance Floor?
An AlGorerhythm
I'll see myself out...
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Hitler Says...
"I order the execution of 6 million Jews and 1 clown!"
His officer responds with
"Why the clown?"
To which Hitler replies with
"See! No one cares about the Jews!"
The King And The Old Man.
Once there was a just ruler, beloved by his subjects. He would visit the villagers to see if his subjects were in need of help. On such an occasion there was an old man, at his old age lunacy has had the better of him. The king saw him fishing in a bucket.
"What are you doing?" The king asked.
"I am fishing here, can't you see?" Retorted the old man.
"So, what have you caught?" The king said, jokingly.
"Are you mad? This is a bucket!!!"
A Man Wants To Buy A Old House, But Is Unsure Whether He Should
He says to the real estate agent "My friend said that people have died here many times... is this true?"
The real estate agent replies "no. people here only die once. not many times."
Husband: Doctor. I Think My Wife Has Symptoms Of Deafness. I Talk To Her At Home And She's Not Answering Me.
Husband: Doctor. I think my wife has symptoms of deafness. I talk to her at home and she's not answering me. Doctor: Okay. Next time you're at home with her try this: Stay at a certain distance from her and tell her anything. If she doesn't answer you go a bit closer and try again until she answers. The husband goes home, his wife comes home from work and start making dinner. The husband get far from her and asks. Husband: Maria! What's for dinner? The woman didn't answers so he approaches some more. Husband: Maria! What's for dinner? Again the woman didn't respond and he approaches again. Husband: Maria! What's for dinner? One more time she didn't answers so the husband gives up, goes to his wife and asks her. Husband: Maria... what 's for dinner? Woman: For the love of God man, I already told you 3 times that dinner is fish.
Two Gay Men Are Travelling...
...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
A Boy Is Going To Buy Tickets To Prom...
...for him and his girlfriend. The line for the tickets is very long, but he waits it out. He then goes to rent a limousine and again there was a long line and again he waited it out. He needs one more thing, a tuxedo. So he goes to buy one and there's a long line, but he waits this one out too. So now comes the prom he and his girlfriend arrive in their newly rented limo, him in his tux and his girlfriend in her beautiful dress. They get into the prom and his girlfriend asks him to get her some punch. So he walks over to where the punch is, and there's no punch line.
Grand Theft Auto Is Great Because It Lets Me Live Out Fantasies Society Won't Let Me
Like driving around in an ice cream truck listening to reggae.
What's The Difference Between Mick Jagger And A Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get of off my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe!"
IT Hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you - you’ve broken your finger!”
Why Is Something That Keeps You From Burning Your Fingers On A Joint Called A Roach Clip?
Because potholder was already taken
A Polish Man Goes Into The Opticians...
The optician says "Can you read the letters on the board?" "Read them?", he says, "I know him !"
Dumb Blondes
Why does a dumb blonde have a deep bellybutton?
They probably have dumb boyfriends too !
"The Tattoo Artist Say Thats An Unusual Request"
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tattoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
"GOOD IDEA"
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." he replied "Oh? And what does your father do?" asked the doctor The recruit responded "He's in the Army, sir."
Lawyers
A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"
The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions." The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?" " Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"
I Have An Abnormally Large Penis That I Always Sext To The Ladies.
Just trying to put my best foot forward.
I Was At A Restaurant Last Night And My Waitress Had A Black Eye...
So I ordered really slow because obviously she doesn't listen.
Some Scientists Decided To Do The Following Experiments On A Dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
The Dude Gets Extremely Drunk And Wakes Up In A Cemetery At Night.
First he looks around quite puzzled and trying to remember how he got here in first place. Ah well, okay, who cares? - it's pretty late so he decides to find his way home first and to think of it later. He wonders around a little and sees an exit - and a gravedigger quietly working nearby. The dude still being quite intoxicated decides to fuck with him a little before leaving. He quietly sneaks behind the gravedigger and trying to sound as creepy as possible whispers in his ear: 'Wooooooo!' The gravedigger doesn't even seem to acknowledge him and keeps digging. So the dude goes a little louder: 'Wooooooooo!!!'. Nothing. The dude thinks the digger might be deaf or something screams on top of his lungs: 'WOOOOOOOO!!!' The gravedigger gives absolutely zero fucks, so the dude gives up and starts to walk away towards the exit - and then suddenly gets a hard blow to the head with a shovel. And the gravedigger says: 'Yer know them rules mate - you may be foolin around as much as you like, but you're not leaving the area!'
What's The Difference Between A Hockey Player And My Exgirlfriend?
A hockey player will shower after 3 periods.
How Much Sex Do Couples Have?
Newly weds: "Tri-weekly."
After 10 years: "Try weekly."
After 30 years, "Try, weakly."
It Only Takes A Few Seconds To Express Our True Feelings
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings.
Unfortunately police call it murder.
The 8 Stages Of Writing Papers
- The I'm not worried, I have plenty of time write this stage
- The why the fuck are all my classmates working on this paper already stage
- The thinking I should start working on my paper but not actually following through with it stage
- The starting your paper two days before it's due but not making significant progress stage
- The day before your paper is due and you have no idea what's going on and start to hate your life.
- The still working on your paper at 2am and there's no end in sight so you hate your life even more than you already did, contemplate dropping out of school, and start considering alternative career choices that are questionable at best stage
- The deadline is in less than an hour and you're still trying to finish stage (also known as the heart attack or panic stage)
- The just handed in your paper and can't wait to crawl in your bed and die stage
A Guy Was Driving In A Car With A Blonde. He Told Her To Stick Her Head Out The Window And See If The Blinker Worked.
She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
Wisdom At Its Finest
- Don't judge a book for you are not a judge.
- Birds of the same feather are the same birds.
- Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
- An apple a day is seven apples a week.
Goldberg Who Always Dreamed Of Winning The Lottery
There is this very pious Jew named Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery. Every Sabbath, he’d go to synagogue and pray: “God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?” But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win. Week after week, Goldberg would pray to win the lottery, but the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win. Finally, one Sabbath, Goldberg wails to the heavens and says: “God, I have been so pious for so long, what do I have to do to win the lottery?” “And the heavens parted and the voice of God came down: “Goldberg, meet me half way, Buy a ticket!”
Did You Guys Hear About The Scarecrow Who Won The Nobel Prize?
Apparently he was out standing in his field.
When asked about how he won he said, "hay, it's in my jeans."
Once, When My Grandma Stepped Out Of The Bathtub...
and my sister commented that the hair on her ‘‘privates’’ was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don’t grow on a racetrack".
God: "I Am All Powerful, I Am The Almighty! I Am A Genius! I Have Created Mankind!"
The Angels: "Fucked up a perfectly good monkey, is what you've done. Look at this one, it has anxiety!"
Why Do Black People Have White Palms?
There is little bit of good in all of us.
p.s. not racist, my shadow is black.
Tape Worm
A man went to his doctor complaining about intense diarrhea, and stomach cramps. The doctor took one look at the man and said "Definitely a tape worm, I have a sure fire cure for tape worm, but you're not going to like it" The man gave the doctor a quizzical look, but in desperation said "What ever it takes doc, just get this thing out!" The doctor smiled and told the man that for three weeks he had to eat a saltine cracker, and shove a boiled egg up his ass everyday. The man now look astonished that such a thing could even come out of a professionals mouth, but decided hes the one with the doctorate and he should trust him. Three weeks pass and despite the uncomfortable method the doctor had given him, he still felt horrible. He goes back to his doctor an explains his frustration, but receives only a smile. "Sir i promise you that this method has never failed, but i do have to take a look in there one last time before you can heal. Here eat one more saltine cracker." The man relieved by the doctors words ate the cracker cheerfully, and spread his legs the he could work his magic. A few minutes pass, and the doctor says its time, and grabs a mallet almost making the man jump. But right before he could object, out of the mans ass pops the tape worm saying "Hey wheres my boiled egg!!!" Splat Told to me by my drunken Uncle.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
The Playful Student
Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”!
L Plates.
People drive around with L plates on their car when the person learning isn't even in the car, then I see them driving stupidly and think they should retake the test anyway.
Doctor Says: "No Sex For 6 Weeks After Birth."
Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow?
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father.
How Does An SJW Screw In A Light-bulb?
Zir holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around zirself.
Escaping Prison
Three men are sitting in a jail cell 4 stories up, 2 americans and 1 chinese man
The two americans look at each other and are like, "Man we gotta escape from here we can't stay in prison"
So they make a plan to tie there bed sheets together and escape out the window
The first american goes, but he falls half way down
He hits the ground and groans,"a man, ugh, I think I broke my leg"
The second man goes and he too falls off the rope, and when he hits the ground he goes, "ow my arm, I think its broken"
Finally the chinese man gets down and seems perfectly fine so the americans asked, "well what happend to you?"
The chinese man replies,"Ching chong chinese balls hanging from the prison wall"
Right And Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
Welcome Back To /u/JokeExplainBot
I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.
Hmmm... Should I Be A TA Or A "Lady Of The Night"?
"If you wanted people to fuck you for money you could just continue being a TA. I get told I'm fucking people's lives all the time."
A Mom Visits Her Son For Dinner Who Lives With A Girl Roommate.
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
Always Pay Attention!
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?”
With The Terror And All The Negative Things Going On In The World Today, It's Remarkable That
Charlie Sheen is able to stay positive.
I Thought It Was A Compliment To Tell A Girl She Looked Like Ronda Rousey...
I guess I should've left off the "after she got kicked in the face" part.
Tell Your Mom To Stop Using Different Colored Lipstick...
My dick is starting to look like a rainbow
[NSFW] Do You Like Tapes And CD's?
Good, because I'm going to tape my dick to your forehead so you can C deez nuts! Taken from /r/gifs
An Old Man Calls In To A Radio Station During A Contest...
"Welcome to 99.5 The Lounge, you're on the air. We're currently holding our annual quiz contest; answer any of three questions right, and you'll win $500. You ready?"
"That I am."
"All right, let's begin. The first question is... What has four wheels and travels on roads?"
"That would be a car, right?"
"Almost, but not quite. The answer we were looking for is 'a Toyota Prius.' You still have two more chances for that $500, so it's okay. Let's move on to the next question, shall we? What guzzles gas, has four wheels, and can cut your lawn?"
"Why, that would be a lawn mower!"
"Close, but in particular we were looking for a Black and Decker 15" Corded Mower with Edge Max. You still have one more question and one more chance to get that $500."
"All right."
"The final question is... What transport vehicle flies using two wings?"
The older man goes silent for a second. When he comes back, he says: "A Boeing 747, final answer."
"Unfortunately, you were wrong. The answer we were looking for is "a plane"."
My Son Was Born Without Eyelids...
The Dr suggested a new procedure using his foreskin after circumcision to replace his missing lids. The only possible complication was that he would be a little cock-eyed.
My Dad Just Told Me This One.
What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are only for decoration.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Just The Other Day, I Met A Muslim On Flight.
Just the other day, I met a Muslim on flight. I almost freaked. But then he immediately clarified that NOT all the Muslims are terrorists. Then, we both laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.
I Went To The Barbers Today.
My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut.
They Say Insanity Is Doing The Same Thing Over And Over Again, Expecting A Different Result.
This is my 56th time posting this joke.
Identify A Superhero: You See Him Flying: Superman
If you see him climbing: Spiderman If you see him swimming: Aquaman If you see him exploding: Musulman
When Waiting For HIV Test Results, The Main Thing Is To Stay Positive.
Shamelessly based on a joke by /u/PS_FuckYouJenny
The Neighbour's Dog Has Been Shitting In My Garden For Weeks.
My girlfriend said I should get the shovel and throw it over their fence.
I'm not sure what it was supposed to accomplish, though. The shit is still there and now the neighbours have our shovel.