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Sunday, August 30, 2015
At My Friends House
So my friend and I are at his house playing minecraft and he is religious. His mom walks in and picks up a pair of underwear with lots of holes in it. She exclaims- "WHAT IS THIS. ARE YOU TRYING TO BE EXTRA RELIGIOUS?"
The President Of The United States And The Prime Minister Of China Are Comparing Their Bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
Edit:words.
Whats The Difference Between A Russian Wedding And A Russian Funeral?
on funeral is one drunk person less
What Does A Man With A Large Penis Have For Breakfast?
I didn't think you'd know. This morning I had bacon, eggs, hash browns, a side of toast and a cup of black coffee.
Bucket Of Gasoline
1: Man, my sister's boyfriend was working on his car in the garage and had a bucket of gasoline sitting out.
2: Yeah.
1: Well, her dog got outside and started drinking gas out of the bucket!
2: Oh no!
1: Yeah, the dog started freaking out and running around in circles and rolling in the middle of the street really fast. Then it just collapsed and wouldn't get back up.
2: Did the dog die?
1: No, he just ran out of gas.
A Zoophiliac, A Murderer, A Necrophiliac, A Pyromaniac And A Masochist Are Sitting Together In A Prison Cell...
The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:
"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."
His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:
"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"
The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinning, says:
"How about: we fuck the cat, we kill it, and then we fuck it again!"
They all cheer, and the pyromaniac adds:
"Even better: we can fuck the cat, then kill it, fuck it again, and then BURN it!"
Curious, the group turns to the masochist who was still silent. The pyromaniac, who was the last to speak, asks:
"So, what about you? What else do you think we could do to the cat?"
Instead of a reply, the masochist looks them all dead in the eyes and says "meow".
Profound Irish Man
The other night while walking to work I ran into this severely drunken Irish man. This man was full to the brim, there's no way he could have been any drunker! As we got closer to each other he slurred in a drunken Irish accent "scuse meh, av u the time?" I looked at him up and down and couldn't believe what I was seeing. I said "mate, look at the state of you! You've lost a flip flop!" He looked down then back up to me and without hesitation replied "ayye, loost a flip flopp or found eh flip flop?"
I Like Donald Trump Because He Really Understands Family Values
I say values because he's collecting ex-wives like failed presidential campaigns
Some People Feel The Rain, Others Just Get Wet...
... and others wet themselves thinking no one would notice.
A Man's IPhone Fell Into The Toilet Bowl While He Was Shitting ...
He was devastated and started crying..
Seeing his dismal state the toilet angel came out with a gold iPhone.
The guy remembered the wood cutter story and trying to be modest said " i don't want this gold iPhone, mine was a simple one".
Hearing this toilet angel smiled and said " This is the same phone asswipe.. wash it with soap"
I've Only Seen Magic Mike, Can I See Magic Mike XXL...
...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?
An Horse Walks Into A Bar
An horse walks into a bar. The customers get up and leave, recognizing the danger that may cause an animal of that size.
Poroshenko And Putin Meet For Talks
Poroshenko: "This man is a criminal, he took land from Ukraine!
Putin: "Oh please, Crimea river"
Babies For Dinner
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage!
A Man's IPhone Fell Down In The Toilet Bowl While He Was Excreting..
He was devastated and started crying..
Seeing his dismal state the toilet angel came out with a gold iPhone.
The guy remembered the wood cutter story and trying to be modest said " i don't want this gold iPhone, mine was a simple one".
Hearing this toilet angel smiled and said " This is the same phone asswipe.. wash it with soap"
Mom: "Why Are Your Eyes Dilated?"
Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love"
Mom: "What were you looking at?"
Me: "Memes"
Remember That AMA Guy Whose Mother Slept With Him Because He Had Broken His Arms?
She was adding incest to injury.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
I Accidentally Dropped My Girlfriends Epilepsy Medication In The Washing Machine...
...now her clothes don't fit anymore
There Are 10 Kinds Of People...
Those who understand ternary notation, those who don't and those who thought this would be a binary joke.
Credits to /u/johnnybenude
Why Did Sarah Fall Of The Swing ?
Q: Why did Sarah fall of the swing ?
A: Because she has no arms.
knock knock
Q:Who's there ?
A:Not Sarah.
A Catholic Priest Is Drowning In The Ocean.
A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."
Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!" God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"
Finish This Joke, "I Am Christian And I Believe In Science. In Fact, I Studied Physics At A Catholic University."
So far I have, "Physics at a Catholic University? That's like studying... at a ..."
Public Service Announcement.
ButterBellyMcFlemmi, flying sausage toasters are pancakes favorite pastime. Rambunctious pandas always have to empty the fruit cabinet before playing uno. Flaming flying flamingos flock east for the worlds largest Powerpuff girl bakery convention. Super size those fries, Jimmy Neutron square danced to the beat of the drumstick bucket from KFC. Moral of the story, don't feed stray hippo's unless told by Mr Rodgers.
TL;DR- Don't do acid with Perry the Platypus.
Yesterday I Moved To Germany And My New German Flatmate Told Me That He Only Knows One Joke...
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Because they are very efficient...
And they don't understand jokes.
The Average Man Takes Just Over 6 Minutes To Cum During Sex, Do You Know How Long It Takes A Woman?
Me either, I'm already sleeping by then.
I Want To Give A Shout Out To Liver
thanks buddy for keeping all those bad influences out of my life
Four Guys Walk Into The Bar. One Goes Into The Bathroom.
Four guys walk into a bar.
One says, "excuse me boys, i have to go take a shit. Go ahead and get some drinks. I'll catch up."
The first guy starts to talk up his son. "He's doing so well for himself. He's a realtor for high end housing. Mansions you wouldn't believe ever existed. He's made so much money that he bought some slut her own magnificent Mansion."
Second guy begins to boast on his son as well, "my son is doing so well...he sells those fancy Ferrari cars. And he is so good that he is able to buy a girl with the top of the line Ferrari."
Third guy starts in with his bragging rights on his son and says, "well my son engineers, builds and sells custom Lear jets. He does really well and was able to provide his own fiancƩ with a luxurious custom jet. "
Finally the fourth man returns from the restroom and asks, "what are we talking about?"
One of the men says, "we're bragging about our sons. So tell us how well your son is doing."
The fourth man retorts, "well my son is a homosexual..."
A round of apologies came from all the gentlemen.
The fourth man said, "oh no, it's OK. He's doing pretty well though. He has a magnificent Mansion, a top of the line Ferrari and luxurious customized jet."
A Therapist Hosts A Party For All Of His Patients...
A therapist has a lot of patients that are socially awkward. So he decides to host a party in order to allow his patients to meet new people and practice talking to others. One of his patients, Frederick, has a wooden eye and is extremely defensive when it comes to his appearance. At the party, Frederick is hanging out in a corner, not really involved in any of the activities, until he sees this beautiful woman with a hair-lip standing in opposite corner. Frederick really wanted to ask her to dance, but worried about what she might say. Frederick had been bullied all his life, and figured it was about time to make a change. So he musters up all the courage he could and asks her, "W-w-would you maybe want to have a dance with me?" Her eyes light up as she exclaims, "Oh! Would I?!" Frederick then gets angry and yells back, "Hair-lip! Hair-lip!"
[Gross] A Guy Walk In To A Brothel...
And goes to the guy working the counter.
He asks,"hey is there anything I can get for just a couple of dollars. It's all I've got." The guy says,"well one of our ladies passed away last week. she's in the attic, use a little lube and you should be good to go." The man thinks about it for a little and then gives the guy his money and heads up. After a while he comes back down the stairs and the guy at the counter asks,"well how was it? The man says,"you know it really wasn't that bad. One thing was kind of weird though, after I came her nose started running." The guy behind the counter says,"oh that just means that she's full."
Gilbert gottfried (to the best of my knowledge)
An Asian Man Goes To The Eye Doctor...
The doctor says to him "I know why you're not seeing so well, you have a cataract"
The asian man says "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental"
Long Distance Flight
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
An English Teacher Was Sent To Germany To Teach The German Kids English Words...
On day one, he taught all the words that started with A. On day two, he taught all the words that started with B. After day three, which was words starting with C, he thought to himself, "How are they going to handle D-Day?
Why I'm Tired.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure rom my job, earwax buildup, Iron, poor blood, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 7 million. 1 million are retired. That leaves 6 million to do the work. There are 4 1/2 million in school or college, which leaves 1 1/2 million to do the work. Of this there are 1/2 million employed by the government, leaving 1 million to do the work. 1/2 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 1/2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 400,000 people who are unemployed, and that leaves 100,000 to do the work. At any given time there are 75,000 people in hospitals or on holiday, leaving 25,000 to do the work Now, there are 24,998 people in prisons in this country. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your fucking computer reading jokes.
This Girl Came Up To Me Today And Said She Recognized Me From The Vegetarian Club.
I was confused. I never met herbivore.
Went To Get My Haircut The Other Day
I asked where my usual barber was and was told he got fired. The reason... He couldn't cut it.
A Communist And A Capitalist Are Waiting For Their Socialist Friend To Go See A Movie........
After an hour or so their socialist friend comes up and says, "Sorry, I was waiting in a queue for some sausage." The communist and capitalist both look terribly confused. The capitalist says, "What the hell is a queue?" The communist says, "What the fuck's a sausage?"
The Hypnotist
A hypnotist was performing when he had a group of six men all under his control. When he said 'stand", they stood. When he said "bark like a dog", they barked. He then dropped the microphone and said "fuck me". What happened next was horrific.
I Am The Internet
There's a fortress in the middle of a wasteland. A guy turns up at the gate and the guards say, "Who goes there?"
Guy: I would like to come into your fortress.
Guards: Well, we can only take in people who are useful to us.
Guy: I think you are going to find me useful, for I am the Internet.
Guards: No, you're not.
Guy: Yes, I am and I can prove it to you.
Guards: Go on then.
So the guy takes up bits of paper and says, "I bring you pornographical images and the rantings of angry teenagers."
The guards think about this for awhile and say, "We have one question, if you can answer it, we will accept that you are the Internet and let you in."
"Ok", replies the guy.
Guards: We are interested in purchasing hot-water bottles shaped like cats ...What else do you think we would be interested in purchasing?
--heard it on the Infinite Monkey Cage.
True Story Of Joke Told At Ft Benning, GA
In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were there for an ultra-serious national security lecture.
There were at least 200 young officers listening to Colonels and Generals discuss various Geo-Political issues. Questions from the audience were taken, as we listened intently about Saddam Hussein's suppression of the Kurds, or what King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia thought. "What would happen if..." were the types of questions being asked.
In front of all these senior officers, one of my fellow young officers raises his hand and stands to ask his question completely straight-faced, "If Turkey attacked Iraq in the rear, would Greece help?"
There was near pandemonium for 5 solid minutes as the General tried to compose himself. I still remember the joke tellers name, "C" but since this is a public forum, I'll keep it back. I have never heard any crowd of people ever laugh so hard before or since. Had to pay homage to the single best delivered joke I've ever heard.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Old Arabian Guy In New Work
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
A Man Saw His Best Friend Walking Down The Street...
The best friend had a band-aid on his head, so the man asked, "What's happened to you?" The friend replies: "Well, I was at this rooftop party and I was looking out over the edge when a huge gust of wind blew me off the building. I feel for a while but hit a few clothes lines. From those clothes lines, I crashed on to an awning which propelled me through the air onto a pile of mattresses resting on the side of the road." "What?! That's unbelievable," replied the man, "but what's the band-aid for?" "I cut my head with my fingernail on the way down." "You must be the luckiest man in the world." "Nope," said the friend, "that's Jim Belushi."
A Man Is Walking Down The Street, Hammered Drunk...
and he finishes off his 40 oz and throws it down to the ground. He looks up and stops suddenly, there's now a man standing before him.
"I thank you, mortal," says the man, "for you have freed me from my imprisonment when you broke that bottle."
The drunken man looks confused.
"I see you must not know who I am, it is I Percy the Genie, and in my debt of gratitude I will offer you the chance to barter for three wishes."
What luck! thinks the man, he has been hoping for some positive changes in his life.
"Okay for my first wish," says the man, "I want a steady paycheck, 10 million a year, so I can pursue my hobbies."
"Alright," says the genie, "10 million a year will be yours, but, as a meager cost you are to allow me to have dinner at your house tonight."
That's a great deal. "Next," says the man, "I want four new Lamborghini's so I can ride in style."
"Alright," says the Genie, "So it will be, but you have to let me sleep in your house tonight."
"Okay, and lastly, I want a big mansion all to myself in the hills, where it is peaceful and quiet and beautiful."
"Sure," says the genie, "but in exchange I need to demand something very particular. You can have your mansion, but I want a night of passion with your wife. You see I haven't slept with a woman in a thousand years. I will sleep with your wife tonight, and you will find a room at the nearest hotel. When you wake you will be in your mansion."
So the man tells the Genie his address and calls home to let his wife know the accommodations she is to have for him. He finds the nearest hotel and passes out as soon as he steps into his room.
Later that night the Genie is laying in bed with the man's wife in bed after an extremely kinky session.
"Wow- I can not believe he would sell my body like that..." the wife says.
"You know what I can't believe?" asks the genie.
"What?" she asks.
"That your husband still believes in genies."
Why Does Dick's Life Suck?
His family is nuts, his neighbors an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, his hair is a mess, and his owner beats him.
I Was On A Date Last Night And The Girl Said My Breath Smells Like Fire.
I said, "yeah, I ate my mixtape."
Ol' McGregor's Sitting At A Pub In Ireland...
A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him. McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever did. But, do they call me, 'McGregor the bar builder'?! No!" He went on, " Look out the window lad. 40 years ago I built that stone wall out there by the beach. I carried every stone in on me back, polished em up, and put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building that wall, and it still stands as strong as the day I built it. But, do they call me, ' McGregor the wall builder' ?! No!" He continued, " Now ya see that pier out in the water? 20 years ago I built that pier. I carried every piece of wood on me back, cut em to size, and put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building that pier and it still stands as strong as it ever did! But, do they call me, ' McGregor the pier builder' ?! NO!" McGregor looks around the room a bit and leans to the lad and says, " But ya fuck ONE goat!"
So I Met This Girl At A Party. Kate.
She's really awesome and about as gorgeous as they come. Anyway, we went out a couple times and really hit it off and I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend about a month later... Then just a couple weeks ago this other girl, Edith, started working at the hospital in the same department as me and had been showing quite a bit of interest. She's just as awesome and attractive as Kate but she has a little more of a bad girl streak in her (which is my kryptonite) so I couldn't make up my mind of who I wanted. So I decided to go out with Edith to see it out and not tell Kate that I was going to do this. Eventually Kate found out about Edith and stopped talking to me completely..which is understandable. But then Edith got mad that I was seeing her while I already had a girlfriend and now SHE'S not talking to me. So now I have no one....I guess the moral of the story is: You can't have your Kate and Edith too..
International Airline Acronyms
Italy
ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival
ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia
Britain
BOAC = Better on a camel
Belgium
SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again
Pakistan
PIA = Please, Inform Allah
Yugoslavia
JAT = Joke About Time
Pacific Western Airlines
PWA = Pray While Aloft
PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines
Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.
Would You Rather Have A Threesome Or Dinner With Your Parents?
Personally, I choose dinner with parents.
I mean if I'm gonna disappoint two people at once, I at least want it to be two people I know.
A Trans Woman Is About To Win $1,000,000 On A Game Show...
if she can answer the final question correctly. The game show host smiles at the camera and asks, "Alright, Theresa. What is the world's largest mammal?"
The contestant, Theresa, overcome with the excitement of winning such a large sum of cash, shouts her answer immediately: "Elephant!"
"Ooooooh, I'm sorry," says the host. "That's incorrect."
Crestfallen at going home with no money, Theresa looks down and shakes her head and mumbles, "Whale then..."
No Frills Airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one.
Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
There Was A Convention For Lazy-eyed Bachelors And Bachelorettes. There Was A Massive Turn Out: Most Of Them Ended With A Perfect Mate....
You could say that their eyes crossed in a crowded room.
If Someone Ever Intimidates You Just Remember That They're 70% Water. *Are You Afraid Of Water...?*
Well you should be 300,000 people drown every year.
God, Clark Gable's Performance In "Gone With The Wind" Sucked...
...It's like he didn't even give a damn.
How Many Construction Workers Does It Take To Do A Single Job?
As many as it takes to surround one laborer.
Poor Family Had A Duck....
There was this poor family, all they had was a duck. The mom told the son to go sell the duck. While the boy walks into to town, a girl stops him and asks if he would take a fuck for the duck. Well being a boy, he said yes. Well after they were done the girl playing said I will give the duck back for another fuck. Well of they go! While this is going on, the poor duck crosses the road and gets ran over. The girl feeling sorry for him gave him 2 dollars. When he came home mom asks what did he get for the duck? I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 2 bucks for a fucked up duck!
I Recently Got A Rescue Dog, But I'm Not Real Happy With Him.
When I got lost while hiking, he was no help at all.
I Was Shocked To Find Out That 35% Of America's Prison Population Is White.
Surely we don't need that many guards.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar.
He has a giant ship's steering wheel shoved down the seat of his pants. How walks up to the bar and sits down on a stool, but the wheel gets in the way. After about ten minutes of awkwardly adjusting himself, he gets on. Being a pirate he orders a glass of rum. As he goes to take a drink, his hand hits the wheel and the drink falls to the ground, breaking the glass and wasting the rum.
"Sorry about spilling me drink, I'll pay the cost o' that glass." He says to the bartender.
"Oh don't worry, I got it." the bartender says. "If you don't mind me asking, why do you have a steering wheel down your pants? Doesn't it bother you?"
The pirate replies "Aye, it's driving me nuts."
An American And An Indian Board A Plane To LAX,
Indian sits next to American. American asks: What kind of "ian" are you? - What? - I said What kind of "ian" are you? - I don't understand your question. - Stupid! Are you Cambodian, Indian or Iranian? - Oh! I am Indian. 2 hours passed without a word. Indian asks: What kind of "key" are you? - What? - Are you a monkey, donkey, or Yankee?
An English Guys Digs The Ground 100 Feet...
and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.
A Woman Walks Into A Sex Shop
She says to the employee, "I can't have an orgasm, what can you give me?" He says, " We have this new product, called the magic dildo. All you have to do is say magic dildo and where you want it to go." "Ok, magic dildo, my pussy," she says. The magic dildo goes to her pussy, and she has the most amazing orgasm of her life. "I'll take it." She says. On the way home she uses the magic dildo again. "Magic dildo, my pussy." She is having such a great orgasm that she is unable to control the car. She's driving all over the road. Then, a policeman sees her and pulls her over. He says, "What's going on here? You're all over the road." "I just got this magic dildo, and I was having such an amazing orgasm that I lost control of the car." She explains. The policeman replies, "Magic dildo my ass!"
What's The Difference Between A Divorce And A Circumcision?
With a divorce you get rid of the whole dick.
A Company Develops A Machine For Evaluating IQ.
The scientists developing it asks for the help of the supervisor, manager and president of the firm to test the machine.
When the supervisor places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 160', and he was very impressed.
When the manager places his head on the machine, it responded: 'IQ 170', and he was very impressed.
When the president placed his head on the machine, it hummed for a bit and responded: 'this is a very sensitive machine, please do not use rocks as test subjects', and the president is furious.
After hurried improvement, the scientists ask the three to try again. This time the machine gave the manager an IQ of 165, the supervisor an IQ of 170 and both were very happy, saying it was more accurate.
After the president places his head on the machine, it hummed for a bit and responded: 'this is a very hot rock', and the president was furious, threatening to fire the scientists.
After a third improvement phase, the scientists assured everyone that the machine was perfect. This time, the supervisor was given an IQ of 170, and the supervisor and IQ of 175. Both praised the machine stating that it was perfect and urged the president to try again.
Having learned from his past mistakes, this time the president decides to place the rock onto the machine first. After some humming, the machine responded: 'Welcome Mr president!'.
Original Jokes.
A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes into the cop's windshield. The guy and the cop pull over and the cop writes him two tickets, one for speeding and one for flipping the bird.
A woman is pumping gas, and she accidentally squeezes the handle while pulling the nozzle out, spraying all over her arm. While pretty pissed, she gets in her car and not thinking, lights a cigarette. The gas catches fire, and she freaks and runs out of her car and puts her arm out. The gas station clerk had called 911, and while the woman was being checked by paramedics, a police officer told her she was under arrest for the illegal use of a firearm.
A group of kids sits on an overpass and smashes car windshields with a cinderblock tied to a chain. One day the leader of the group gets ballsy and tries with a tractor-trailer. The cinderblock gets stuck on the hitch and tears the kid's arm off. After calling 911, the kid was rushed to the ER and was placed under arrest for his actions, and when they found the truck driver, he was arrested for armed robbery.
A Penguin's Car Breaks Down
He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.
The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say
"Looks like you've blown a seal"
The Penguin wipes his chin and says..
"No, No, it's just ice cream."
Lawyers' Ethical Dilemma
When a client gives you two hundred dollar bills stuck together from the bank machine to pay a $100 bill, do you tell your law partner?
Have You Ever Wondered Why, During A Crisis, They Let Women And Children Go First?
It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.
A Bear Climbs A Tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
A Man's Wife Asks Him: "Have You Ever Considered Having A Threesome With Me For A Change?"
"To be honest, having twosomes with you would be already be a change"
A Collection Of OC Jokes!
Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!
- I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight, I think it was a mist opportunity.
- What vegetable likes to wait around in lines? Queuecumbers
- What's a pensioner's favourite genre of music? Hip-op
- I decided to drink something from a scientist's test tube. It tasted vial.
- Why did the artist visit the bank? To draw some money.
- What's the best thing about walking through a friendly forest? All the pleasantrees
- I was going to make a joke about alcoholism, but I decided against it because I thought it'd be a bit too whiskey.
- how do you greet the world's cleanest woman? "Hi, Jean".
- I got kicked out of the wig shop because I didn't want toupee.
- I bought an album called "Sounds of the Railway", but I didn't like any of the tracks
- I tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records by smashing up music albums. I broke a lot of records.
- Why were there clouds at the theatre production? Because it had been over cast.
- I used to have a job testing the durability of trainers. You might think that sounds easy, but it was sole-destroying work...
- Did you hear about the fellow who went insane trying to clear his sinuses? He ended up in a menthol hospital
- I used to be obsessed with going to the bank. I'm trying to stop but I have withdrawal symptoms...
- Why did the eagle go to church? Because it's a bird of pray.
- Where do fish go to earn a degree? Tunaversity.
- Someone suggested I should grow my hair down the back of my head. I wasn't keen on the idea, but I told them I'd mullet over.
- I watched a movie documentary about the history of tea exports, it was rated PG tips.
- Who stands outside the toddler nightclub? Baby bouncers.
- I have a very special type of dog - it was cross-bred with a vegetable. It's a border cauliflower
- What happened to the last aftershave in the cupboard? It felt colognely
- What do you inject into a suit to make it look bigger? Bowtux.
Bonus jokes that I didn't think were very good but decided to include anyway!!!!
- I had a dinner cooked by Dr. Who. It tasted dalektable (like... delectable)
- What do you call a sour supervisor? A lime manager.
- What food keeps you warm on a cold day? Fajitas... (like uh, fa-heaters...)
- What's the funniest type of cereal? A muesli (like... amuse-li?)
- The Bow and Arrow is an excellent weapon, with one drawback.
- Gambling can be very dangerous, if roulette it take over your life.
- What do you call a boring, unoriginal piece of fruit? A banalna.
- What do you call a piece of fruit that doesn't really matter? Not applic-apple.
A British Man, An American, And A Chinese Guy...
...are walking down the street together when they are stopped by a well dressed man. The man says, "I'll make you a deal, if any of you can jump off this skyscraper here and bounce back up to the top I'll give you $10 million." They take the man's offer. The British man is about to jump when he sees two guys carrying a trampoline on the sidewalk. He jumps but misses the trampoline and dies. The American quickly jumped as the two guys were tending to the body of the British man, hit the trampoline, ripped right through it and died. The Chinese guy jumped next, completely missing the trampoline, but hit the ground and bounced all the way back to the top of the skyscraper. Before handing the Chinese man the money, the well dressed man asked him to first explain how he did it as he was very surprised. The Chinese man replied, "Me Chinese, me think fast. Me shove rubber up me ass!"
What Weighs More A Pound Of Bricks Or A Pound Of Feathers?
The answer is feathers.
200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A Man Goes Into A New Restaurant For Dinner...
He orders his starter, and when he gets it, he notices that his plate is still dirty.
He asks the waiter why his plate is dirty.
The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, that's the best cold water can get it."
When he gets his main course, he notices his plate is dirty. He asks the waiter why his plate is dirty again.
The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, that's the best cold water can get it."
He then gets his dessert, and notices, again, that his plate is dirty. He asks the waiter again why his plate is dirty.
The waiter replies, "Sorry sir, that's the best cold water can get it."
After finishing his dessert, he pays the bill and leaves. As he is leaving, he is pushed over by a large dog, who begins licking his face. The waiter runs over to the dog and shouts,
"Sit Cold Water, sit!"
A Rich Guy And A Poor Guy Both Have Wives With Upcoming Birthdays ... (NSFW)
The rich guy says: "I'm going to get my wife a Porsche and a diamond ring for her birthday."
Poor guy:"But why?"
The rich guy responds: "Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can just drive down to the jeweler's and return it. So what are you going to get YOUR wife for her birthday?".
Poor guy: "That's easy, a pair of slippers and a dildo."
Rich guy: "But why?"
Poor guy: "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"
EDIT: My best posted joke ever, #1 on the front page. Thanks! Sorry for the NSFW label, guess thats more for pics or videos. Erring on the side of caution.
EDIT 2: Apparently the joke was told on the Sopranos, so credit to them - but I heard it elsewhere, it has been around for a while.
Avocado Or Donald Trump?
Avocado or Donald Trump for president? Well, one is a wrinkly old bag filled with green mush The other one is an avocado.
Bumped Into A Woman At The Local Nightclub
She looked like a horse, but she had the biggest pair of tits I had ever seen, so I said to her, "Admittedly you aren't the best looking woman in the world, but holy moly, your tits are huge! How do you keep them concealed?"
The woman laughed and said, "Well I wear a zebra (z-bra)!"
A Russian, A Brit, A German And A Lithuanian Are Speaking...
The brit says: we have a huge sea. The german says: we have a huuuge culture. The russian says: we have a lot of red flags. The lithuanian says: My uncle had a horse, who crossed the sea, shat (shit) on the culture and wiped his ass with red flags.
The translation didn't quite work doe.
Somewhere Out There, There Is A World With No War, No Hate, No Hunger, And No Poverty.
It also has no oxygen.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Dead Baby Joke
What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe? I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time
I Met Greece's Finance Minister, Who Was Looking For Help Regarding The Situation There.
He asked me for my two cents.
I Asked A Beautiful Chinese Girl For Her Number.
She replied, "Sex sex sex free sex tonight". I said, "Wow". Then her friend speaks: "She means 6663629".
Two Old Men Were Fishing
Two old men were fishing one day, under a bridge, when a funeral procession passed by overhead. One old man stood up, took his hat off and held it over his heart until they had passed by.
The other old man said "Wow Jim, I didn't know you could care about other people so much."
Jim says "Well, it's the least I could do after being married to her for 50 years."
A Man Finds Himself Seated Next To A Priest During A Long Plane Trip.
They get to talking. He asks the priest what order he is in. “I’m a Dominican.” Oh, the man replies. “I went to a school where we were taught by Jesuit priests. What’s the difference between the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? ” “Well, they were both founded by Spaniards — St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. And in their early years, a main purpose of both orders was to combat heresy — the Dominicans to fight Catharism, and the Jesuits to fight Protestantism.” The man next asks. “Are there any other differences between the Jesuits and Dominicans?” The priest growing tired of the conversation says, “Met any Cathars lately?”
Johnny Joke
Johnny stopped suzi walking home from school and offered her 25 cents to climb the tree, she does and collects her quarter. She goes home and tells mom she has a quarter and how she got it.
Mommy tells her he only wants to see your underwear. Next day again johnny stops her and she climbs the tree and collects her quarter. Again mommy tells her he only wants to see her underwear.
Its friday and johnny stops her again and makes the offer, she does it, collects her quarter and goes home to tell mommy. Mommy tells her he only wants to see your underwear, suzi says yeah but I fooled him this time I didn't wear any.
According To Classical Mythology The Titan Cronus Ate His Children
i personally couldn't do it, but to eat his own
I Told My Boss I Needed A Raise To Stay At Work Because There Are Three Different Companies Showing Interest In Me...
He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
James Bond Approached By A Student
Student: Hello sir Bond: I'm Bond, James Bond Student: OMG I knew it was you, I always wanted to be an agent like you, what should I do to be one. BOND: A lot depends on your academic performance, tell me what's your GPA? Student: Four........... Two point four.
Pun Contest
One day a man saw that there was a local paper puns contest. So he decided to write his 10 best puns and enter them into the contest in hope of winning. Unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
Why Did God Have No Sense Of Humor When Putting The Planets In Order?
because he didn't want to put Uranus at the end of the solar system
There Were Three Construction Workers...
...a Mexican, a British man, and a Blonde. Everyday they ate their lunch breaks together, and everyday they each had the same lunch as the day before. The Mexican always had two tacos, the British man always had a fish sandwich, and the blonde man always had a PB&J. One day, they all were having a bad day and the Mexican snapped saying "If I get tacos again for lunch, I'm going to kill myself!" The British man said, "If I get another fish sandwich for lunch, I'm going to kill myself too!" The blonde then said the same thing about getting a PB&J. The next day, all three construction workers were found dead at the construction site. After a few days there was a viewing for the three as they were good friends. The Mexicans wife stepped up and said, "If only I had known he didn't want tacos, I would have made him burritos." The British man's wife stepped up and said, "If I would have know he didn't want a fish sandwich, I would have made him a chicken sandwich." Then everyone turned to the blonde's wife, who happened to also be blonde and thought to themselves "Oh God..." The blonde's wife stepped up and said, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"
At The Airstrip
As a test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Sleep Is My Drug
Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer….and my alarm clock is the police.
Read more at:
Odds.
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables.
"Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
What You Don't Want To Hear Over The PA System.
Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
(As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
Don't worry! That one is always on E...
Get the parachutes ready...
Drinks are on me...
I'll have what the Captain's having...
Hey capt'n take another hit man...
Blind Pilot
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
A Businessman Was Interviewing Applicants For The Position Of Manager Of A Large Division...
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Germans Are Always So Quick To Fix Your Mistakes When You Trying To Speak German.
It’s as if the whole German nation is on Otto correct.
Lost My Watch At A Party Once... The Dude, Punched Him Straight In The Nose. No One Does That To A Girl, Not On My Watch.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
So A Man Is Going To Have His Girlfriend Over For The First Time.
A man named Sir is going to invite his girlfriend over.
He goes to his brother and says "This is the first time, look sharp and don't embarrass me, nobody has met her in this family and I want her to think nicely of us."
In reponse, the brother holds up a thermometer. Sir asks, "What does this have to do with anything?"
The brother replies with, "Sir, Mom met her."
Nuts
A pair of testicles just moved into a new neighborhood.
Left Testicle: Have you meet the neighbors yet?
Right Testicle: Sort of. I met our upstairs neighbor. He's short and fat but, mostly a dick.
Left Testicle: That's alright because our downstairs neighbor is a dirty, hairy asshole!
Zoo
Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Late At Night An Indian Cabbie Picks Up A Native American
Late at night an Indian cabbie picks up a Native American wielding a briefcase full of poker chips and sporting a feather headdress. Immediately the passenger notices a retched stench emanating from within the cab. He grunts disapprovingly, embarrassed that his people were ever historically associated with Indians.
Next, a Vietnamese woman gets in the cab. She’s promptly accosted by a pungent stink worse than the rotting raw offal from the dumpster behind a Korean barbeque. Luckily, she has her trusty Hello Kitty surgical mask – which she never leaves home without. She hurriedly wraps it around her face, thus preventing a vomitus disaster.
Deeper into the night, a black man gripping a drooping sack with a dollar sign imprinted on it jumps in the cab and points a glock, square at the driver’s turbaned temple. “DRIVE!” he yells, and after a few wiffs adds, “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, n’ roll tha window down B, this shit stank worse than yo momma’s pussy!”.
Having narrowly avoided death, the cabbie finally picks up a white passenger. Upon entry, the passenger is utterly surprised to be met by a fragrance of the utmost scented sweetness; an incredible aroma plucking at all the right strings of pure, primal ecstasy . Almost driven into a rabid state of salivation, he inquires enthusiastically, “I must say, what is that tremendous smell ?”
A wry smile stretches across the cabbie’s face as he replies, “Of course YOU would like it sir; it’s from the dead gook, nigger and Indian in the trunk.”
Why Don't Women Run Fast??
cause they hate getting fat!!
edit: It's physics. The faster an object moves, the heavier it gets.
A Man Tells His Doctor, Doc, Help Me. Im Addicted To Twitter!
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you...
What Do You Call A Group Of Chickens Dressed Up Like Crows?
A murder most fowl.
(I'll see myself out...)
A Student Walks Up To His Teacher...
-Student: "Miss, would you blame someone for something that they didn't do?"
-Teacher: "No of course not. I would never do that."
-Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Fairly Fairness
A butch, a bitch and a snitch all come together at the "Pretty Rainbow People Bar."
The Butch complains, "ugh all those itches"
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D FUKKEN LOLZ Downvote for cash!
Cop Joke :P
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A Woman Is On Trial...
...for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks, "First offender?"
The lady replies, "No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender."
Edit: Grammar.
My Friend Just Won The Scandinavian Excavator Championship By Moving A Beer Can From One Table To Another Without Denting It.
My friend knows his ways around beer.
Jim Walks Into A Bar With His Arm In A Sling.
At least his sore head takes his mind of his arm... i'll see myself out.
The Frustrated Prostitute.
There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
My Daughters Boyfriend Still Doesn't Know How To Tie His Shoes...
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
The Credible Hulk. "You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry
because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."
Here's A Couple Jokes I Wrote Tell Me What You Think
STD'S: I don't know what's going on with these new generation STD's, shit like blue waffles, I thought Ihop was making a game changer, I had to reread Dr.suess to make sure green eggs and ham was just food coloring, im still not convinced. I met this one girl with a disease called um kids ,smh I don't know what to expect now
UGLY PEOPLE: I don't like to call people ugly, that's rude I prefer facially challenged. We've all met someone with a face only a mother could....tolerate, like she don't like it either buts its grown on her. I get it its not your fault we all go through the ugly duckling stage some of us stay in it, its like good pussy hard to stay out of.
Policeman Stopped Me Last Night On My Way Home From The Pub
and asked "why are you drink driving" I replied "because I wasn't fit to walk"
Men At 26 Plays Football,
Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older your ball gets smaller
I, The Penis, Hereby Request A Raise In Salary For The Following Reasons:........
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
Blacks
What do ya get when you take a chicken leg from a nigger? A bullet in the head
What is long, black and smells like shit? The unemployment line
What do you do when you see a nigger with half a head? Stop laughing and reload your rifle
I Walked Out Of A Club With A Girl Last Night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."
The Blind Man And His Dog...!!!
This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers.
The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to the dog.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," retorts the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!"
To which the blind fella chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
This Really Happened In Tech Support
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program manager.
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: "What do you mean?
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Monday, August 24, 2015
A Blonde And A Brunette Decided To Rob A Bank Together.
The brunette plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the blonde in great detail. The robbery begins. The brunette drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said the blonde.
The blonde goes into the bank while the brunette waits in the getaway car. Three minutes pass... five minutes pass... seven minutes pass... and the brunette is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes the blonde! She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his gun. As the gals are getting away, the brunette says, "You are such a bird brain! I thought you understood the plan!"
The blonde said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said the brunette. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!!"
Real Redneck Woman.
How do you know you're with a real redneck woman? She can put in a dip know what to spit and what to swallow.
Two Fish Are Sitting In A Tank.
One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two Guys Were Roaring Down The Road On A Motorcycle...
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
Did You Hear About The Mexican Word Of The Day? Chicken Wings
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wings some money!!!
I Saw 3 Mexican Boys Walking Down The Street Wearing SS Uniforms.
I told them how offensive they were being by wearing those uniforms, they should never be worn by untermenschen.
What Do Catholic Priests And McDonalds Workers Have In Common?
They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
A Man Wakes Up In A Hospital, After A Serious Accident.
He yells "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor responds "I know. I amputated your arms."
Two Windmills Are In A Field...
...And one says to the other, "Hey, do you like football?"
The other one replies, "Yeah, I'm a big fan".
On The Scene Of A Murder..
"Detective, we found a pool of blood in the suspect's room!"
"Hm, sounds disgusting. Clean it up and continue looking for evidence."
Jose Visits America.
Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
What's The Difference Between Helen Keller And A Redneck
Helen Keller got famous for not being able to read
What Did The Banker Say To The Tongue When He Rejected His Loan Application?
There's no accounting for taste.
I Always Wanted To Tell Jokes...
I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.
The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.
Why Did The Lifeguard Have To Rescue The Hippy At The Beach?
Beacause he was too "faaaaarrrrr oooouuuuttt, maaaaan!"
Jesus
I had a long day today, so I had a conversation with Jesus to help vent my problems to him. He's a great listener. He's almost like a counselor, and I think I can say he's my best friend.
"What should I do?" I asked him.
"Do what feels right."
"But how do I know what feels right is actually right, and not just what I want? I'm looking out for the interests of my friends and family."
"If you're looking out for your friends and family, you care, therefore, what you do will be right."
"Thanks Jesus, can we talk some more?"
"No sir, I have to finish mowing your lawn".
Some Girls Are Like Jelly Doughnuts
They might look bad on the outside but once you get inside them their fine.
One Of My Favs
Woman comes home from the doctors office, tells her husband "The doctor found my problem...he says I've got to have sex four times a month." "OK." replies her husband, "Put me down for two."
My Daughter Kept Begging Me To Get Her A New Toy, So I Went To A Store And Got A Bunch Of Lego For Her
To this day, I am surprised that the store accepts kids as payment
Sunday, August 23, 2015
What's The Best Part Of An ISIS Joke?
The Execution.
Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.
Andy & Sally
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they had shared where Andy had carved 'I love you Sally!'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not knowing what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: "50,000.00!"
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, the FBI was canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money. They knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, "Don't listen to him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
Planting Potatoes In Chicago
So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :
"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."
Later that night, Ahmad responds :
"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."
That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.
Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."
Having Sex Is Like Playing A Game Of Bridge
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Bin Laden In Heaven
Much to his surprise, St. Peter witnessed Osama Bin Laden walking up to the pearly gates. He went up to God and said, "God, what is he doing here?"
God replied, "I called him up here. I'm going to a party tonight and I need a cab driver."
Why Are Your Kids Like Drugs?
Because the law says you shouldn't do them, but it feels sooooo good - until you wake up the next day and just want to flat-out kill yourself.
The Oldest Man In The World Is Lying On His Deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
If Threesome Is Sex With Three People......
.....and a twosome sex with two people, I guess I know why I'm always called handsome.
(Btw, is this a repost? I hope to god not.)
God Will Save Me.
A man is living in a house when a dam breaks and a violent flash flood happens and hits his whole neighborhood. The water begins rising higher and higher every moment. He's standing outside knee deep in water when some people on a canoe show up, they say to him "Hurry, get onto our canoe and we'll save you!" The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need. God will save me." The people in the canoe shrug off and continue paddling down the street.
The water gets higher, and the man has to retreat to his second floor balcony, some people in a sailboat pull up next to his house, and they say to him, "Hurry, get onto our boat and we'll save you!" The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need. God will save me." The people in the boat shrug and sail away.
The water level rises so high, that the man has to climb onto the top of the roof, and waits, when a helicopter from the National Guard shows up. They toss a rope ladder down to him and say "Hurry and climb aboard our helicopter, and we'll save you!" The man shakes his head and says, "There is no need. God will save me."
The man dies in the flood.
He goes to heaven, and God is waiting for him there. He goes up to God and says, "God, why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want me to do?"
I Knew A Woman Who Abandoned Her Son Scott At The Park One Night.
I know what you're probably thinking, "Boy, I hope she got arrested."
But sadly no, she got off Scott-free.
It Only Takes One Drink To Get Me Drunk
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A Man Is Walking Through The Desert...
A man is wandering through the desert along with his camel to bring along his food and water. When off in the distance he sees another man wandering around with nothing but a car door. The first man's camel had plenty of water so he knew he wasn't hallucinating.
A bit confused by this he asks the man:
"Why are you carrying that car door around in the desert?"
To which the man replies:
"So in case it gets too hot I can roll the widow down!"
A Man Called The Type Is On The Run
and the police were telling me about him, "Curly hair, mid 40's with the goatee..."
So I quickly interrupted, "Yeah, I know The Type."
How About Some Snappy One-liners?
Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
A Man Is Sitting On His Porch Drinking Whisky When His Grandson Ask For A Drink.
Boy-"can I have a drink of your whisky grandpa?" Grandpa-"does your penis reach your asshole?" Boy-"no it doesn't." Grandpa-"the day your penis reaches your asshole, you may have a drink of whisky." Upset, the boy understood and they went on with their day. The next afternoon the grandfather arrived home from work and found his grandson sitting on the porch eating cookies. Boy-"grandpa! Look what grandma baked for me!" Grandpa-"those sure look good! May I have one?" Boy-"grandpa, does your penis reach your asshole?" Grandpa-"well sure it does!" Boy-"go fuck yourself."
Saturday, August 22, 2015
A Conversation On Air Force One
Persident Obama, Oprah, and Michelle were all flying on Air Force One one day.
Obama turned to Oprah, chuckled, and said "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out of the window right now and make someone very happy."
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Michelle added, "Well if that's the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make one hundred people happy."
Hearing this exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes, turned towards his co-pilot, and said "Big friggin deal. I could throw all three of them out of a window and make 319 million people happy."
4 Mexicans In A Rowboat
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks, " Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."
What Are The Chances There Will Be A Tornado Tomorrow?
50-50.
Either there will be or there wont be.
A Short One For Classical Musicians
I once owned a frying pan that once belonged to the great Leopold Stokowski. It was non-stick.
Police Arrested Two Kids Yesterday
, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
When A Fly Drops
A thirsty fly is buzzing around a lake and decides to drop into the water for a drink, but little does the fly know a fish is waiting to snack on him when he does, but little does the fish know a bear is waiting to grab the fish when he jumps up to eat the fly, but little does the bear know a hunter is waiting for the bear to run to the lake so he can shoot him for a trophy, but little does the hunter know a mouse is eyeing the cheese in his pocket waiting for a chance to steal it, but little does the mouse know a cat is waiting to pounce.
When the fly takes a sip of water, it all hits the fan. The fish eats the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse steals the cheese, and the cat pounces. However, in the confusion the cat falls into the lake. The moral of the story is when a fly drops a pussy gets wet.
Why Shouldn't You Ever Take Directions From A Nazi?
Because he will always tell you to take the third Reich.
A Woman Gets On A Bus With Her Baby.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Malasian Airlines
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Daryl And Darrel
Daryl: "Hey Darrel would you like to come to a party?"
Darrel: "Well that depends, is there gonna be dancin'?"
Daryl: "Well sure there could be some dancing."
Darrel: "Is there gonna be any fightin'?"
Daryl: "I suppose there could be some fightin'."
Darrel: "Well is there gonna be any love makin'?"
Daryl (chuckling): "Well there just might be."
Darrel: "Well that sure sounds fun! What should I wear?"
Daryl: "Oh it don't make no nevermind, Darrel, it's just gonna be you and me!"
School Humor
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
Cutting Pizza - A Blonde Joke
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Once Winston Churchill Walked In To A Pub. Lady At The Pub Seeing That He Was Drunk Already " Sir! You Are Drunk".
Winston replied " You are ugly, I will be sober tomorrow".
Gorilla Romance
This middle aged, divorced woman from NY City is having brunch with her friends one day. One of them comments that she hasn't been herself lately. The others agree, and someone suggests she needs a change. The woman agrees and decides she is going to take a trip.
The next morning she visits a travel agency, and books a three week trip to Africa.
When she gets there she has a wonderful time visiting museums, shopping, and so forth. Finally, as the main feature of her trip, she goes an a motorized safari through the jungle. She gets into an open top jeep, along with her guide and driver, and a number of other tourists. The jeep travels down this rugged, dark trail, deeper and deeper into the wild. They manage to spot all kinds of wildlife, when the guide tells the driver to stop. Up ahead are baby gorillas playing in the trees.
The woman stands up to take a photo, when suddenly this huge male gorilla swings by on a vine and snatches the woman around the waist. He swings on with her to another vine and another, taking her deep into the jungle, far from the trail.
After what seems like hours he drops her into a sort nest, high up in a tree, where he brutally has his way with her. Afterwards, he leaves her for the night. Because she is so high up and so shocked she cannot make it down for the tree.
The gorilla returns the next day with an armload of bananas and melons and other fruits. He then assaults her again, and leaves. This goes on for a number of days.
Finally, one morning, she spots the safari driver and guide searching for her. They find her and manage to get her down. They bundle her out of the jungle and take her to a hospital in a nearby city.
After a few days in the hospital and a few weeks of rest at a hotel, she flies back to NYC.
Eventually, one Sunday, she meets her friends for brunch. They are all very excited to hear about her trip to Africa. She tells them the whole story, including her abduction by the gorilla. Afterwards, one of her friends says, "Oh honey! It must have been TERRIBLE for you!"
She responds, "You have no idea... It's been two months now. He doesn't call! He doesn't write!"
An Odd Dish At A Chinese Restaurant...
A lovely older couple were dining at a local Chinese restaurant. Their orders have just been set in front of them. The woman appears to have ordered some sort of noodle dish, and the man has ordered a meal that is presented in a covered pot.
As the man goes to open the pot, the pot lid opens a bit, and something looks out at him and makes a noise. The man feels his heart medication must be giving him hallucinations, so he attempts to open the pot again. Again as he reaches, the lid opens briefly and he can see a pair of eyes and a hard, flat beak stick out.
Obviously disturbed, the man calls over the waiter and says "Excuse me, waiter. There seems to be a problem with my meal, there is something in there that keeps popping the lid and looking out at me,"
The waiter starts to speak when suddenly, the lid pops up, and a resonating QUACK echos from the pot. The man and woman jumps back, as the waiter chuckles at the situation. The waiter then replies:
"Sir, you did order the Peking duck, did you not?"
Its Gonna Be A Long Flight
A man sits next to a kid on a plane. The man turns to the kid and says, "Let's talk."
The kid says, "sure, about what?"
The man, teasingly, says, "nuclear power."
The kid says, "sure, but first, let's talk deer, cows and horses. They all eat grass, but the deer drops pellets, the cow does patties, and the horse produces clumps. Do you know why?"
The man is stumped. "No", he says.
The kid replies, " do you really think we should talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit!?"
This Is How Good My Dog Is, LOL.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield
The Law Can Be So Black And White Sometimes...
My friend James recently was arrested for 2 false counts of robbery. 15 years in prison! I thought this was a little unfair so I decided to make a statement.
So the other day I made a shirt that says a word or two on releasing him and then his name in hopes of bringing awareness to this atrocity. But as I was wearing it around everybody kept coming up to me, touching and embracing me. I kept thinking what the heck is the deal with all these people.
It didn't occur to me until later that "Free Hugs" could be misconstrued in two different ways.
Today I Gave Myself The Ol' John McCain
I literally beat it so hard I can't lift my own arms above my head.
Poor Hulk Hogan
In a knee jerk reaction to the news this morning, TV Land has digitally removed Hulk Hogan's face from the roof of the Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee...
Wake Up People!
Ottoman cannons can't melt Byzantine walls!
The Fall of Constantinople was an inside job!
I'm Going To Hell For This One...
So I was fucking this black girl the other night and the likes it really rough. Very rough.
Anyways, she in the middle she suddenly just started shouting at me "Stop! Stop I can't breathe!"
So I just looked at her and said: "hey honey...let's not make this political here..."
I Thought My Vasectomy Would Keep My Wife From Getting Pregnant...
...but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A Woman On Her Deathbed
An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.
"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."
So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash. "Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.
She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"
Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Friday, August 21, 2015
The Most Cutting Things You Can Say About Someone Is, "who's This Clown?"
Because it implies that they're a) a clown and b) not even one of the better known clowns.
Edit: Spelling
How Many Dead Hookers Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
Not 6, because it's still dark down there...
Jim Walks Into A Bar With His Arm In A Sling.
He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.
Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"
Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"
Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
Jim scowls. "You gonna let me tell the story, or not? Anyway..."
"About two years ago, I was driving down Rural 80. It was almost sunset but I was hours away from the city. My car runs out of gas outside a farm out in the middle of the fields.
I go knock on the door of the farmhouse, hoping they'll let me use the phone. A complete knockout of a lady answers the door, sexiest thing you ever saw. Said their phone's out of service, but I'm welcome to use the guest bedroom overnight and walk for gas in the morning.
She lives alone, and offers to make us both dinner. We eat, we talk, it's real pleasant. After dinner she walks over to me, leans in close and asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
Well, dinner was good, and the dessert topped it off real nice, so I patted my stomach and told her I was fine, but thanks all the same.
We retire to the living room, and she offers me the big soft recliner. Pours us some scotch, we drink and laugh. It starts getting late, she walks over to me, stands behind the chair and rubs my shoulders. She asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
Well the shoulder rub feels mighty nice, so I tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same.
It's real late now and I gotta walk for gas in the morning. I retire to her guest room, settle in and get comfy. Right as I'm dozing off, the door creaks open. She's standing in the doorway wearing pajamas that're almost transparent. She flips her hair over her shoulder and asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
It'd been a long day, I'm tired, I yawn and tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same. In the morning I go get gas and drive on to the city."
Jim sits in silence, his story done. Bill, frustrated, asks Jim, "What in the hell does that have to do with your broken ARM?!"
Jim downs his second shot of whiskey, turns to Bill, and says, "Yesterday I was cleaning my gutters out, when it finally hit me what that lady was getting at. Slapped my forehead so hard I fell off the ladder and broke my arm.
If You Were Arrested For Masturbating On A Plane...
....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking
A Man Whom Everyone Knows As 'Fuckwit' Walks Into A Petshop
and goes to the clerk and says, "Yo, I want a pet." The clerk responds, "The only thing we have left is this clam," and he points to the clam. "Problem is, it's annoying." "What's so annoying about it?" asks Fuckwit. "Well," the clerk responds, "The only thing it says is 'Wooo Tangy' and it says this over and over, nonstop. I tell you what, you can have it for free." Fuckwit accepts and is given the clam.
The two hit it off straight away and infact the clam was more useful than annoying at first, with it's cry of, 'Woooo Tangy' making a good alarm clock. However, as months and eventually years passed, the to grew apart. Fuckwit hated the clam and its cry was driving him insane. One day his friend comes over and sees a glum Fuckwit staring at the floor. "What's up mate?" he asks. "I don't know, it's my clam. It's driving me insane."
"But I thought you and the clam were close?"
"Nah, not anymore."
The friend who hates the clam says, "Ok, then leave it right there and don't come back for it. Ever."
So he agreed and he never saw his pet again, proving once and for all that the Woooooo Tangy Clam aint nothing to Fuckwit.
20 Years Ago
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Remember How They Used To Call Bill Cosby "America's Dad"?
No fucking wonder most of the country has daddy issues.
Case Closed
Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Why Do Boys Walk Fast And Girls Speak More?
Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.
Tom The Soldier In The Desert.
An army is in the desert for several upcoming months. The sergeant tells his troops: "Well, I know the climate is harsh and that you won't have a lot of entertainment here as there is no women. But, in case you cannot stand the pressure anymore, you will be allowed to take the camel behind this tent." and ends his speech with a wink. While passing by, Tom the soldier takes a look at the camel. It's old, foul, leaks fur, its rear is covered with dry poo and flies are buzzing all around.
2 months pass, and Tom the soldier sees some of his comrades going behind the tent. When they come back, they display a large smile and swag.
After 4 months, Tom is still observing his brothers in arms doing the same little game. But he thinks "Are they really that sexually deprived?" as he can smell the old camel's awful scent from his place. He then reflects to find an alternative.
Another month passes and Tom continues to look at happy men coming back from behind the tent. As he feels tension from the waist down, he tells himself "I won't do such a thing. I can resist."
Another month passes and Tom is now having a hard time, obsessed with his own nuts. But the remembrance of the camel's aspect keeps him from acting.
After the 7th month, he feels real pain. He gets up and says: "I can't handle it anymore. This is beyond my limits."
Tom drinks alcohol, goes behind the tent and looks at the camel with some revulsion : "I'm sorry. I have to. Blurg."
Soon after unzipping his trousers, the whole camp begins to hear loud growls and rumbles-chewbacca style "HHRRAAAWW HHHRROOOON HRON HHHRAAAWAAAR HRRAAWWAR"
Everyone then hastens to check what is happening. They find Tom, naked behind the camel.
Sergeant asks: "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING, SOLDIER ??"
Tom faintly answers: "But... you said that the camel was here to release the pressure, so I thought..."
Sergeant replies: "GRMBL! The camel is only here to get your ass to the next village, you jerk."
One Day Bill Complained To His Friend That His Elbow Really Hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
I Asked A French Person Why Us Americans Piss Them Off So Much
I couldn't really understand what he said but I'm pretty sure it was "Blah blah blah, I'm French, I'm better than everyone."
This Was A Killer Joke When I Was In 3rd Grade.
A man had to take a dump on an airplane, but the men's room was occupied. The flight attendant saw him trying to hold his poop and and said he could use the woman's room BUT NO TOUCHING THE BUTTONS!!
The man took his dump. Then saw 3 buttons. He pushed the first one labeled WW. He felt a stream of warm water spray clean his ass. Ah, he said that must be warm wash.
He saw a second button labeled "BD" and felt a warm gust of air on his butt. Ah, he said that must be butt dry.
He saw a third button labeled ATR. He pushed it and screamed and passed out from the pain.
He awoke in a hospital room. The flight attendant was there and said. I told you not to push any buttons. That was the automatic tampon remover!
Worst Ethnic Joke Ever
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.... ....... "I'm sorry," said the maƮtre d', "you can't come in here without a Thai."