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Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Sunday, September 27, 2015
It Was Jose's First Day On The Job...
he introduced himself to his American co-workers: "I'm jose" They replied: "if you're hose-a, where's hose-b and hose-c?"
My Wife Is Such An Air-head
I told her not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.
A British Soldier And An Australian Soldier Are In The Trenches Of The Somme
The British soldier asks the Australian: "Tell me lad, did you come here to die?"
The Australian says "Nah mate, I came here yesterdie!"
A Man Goes To The Doctor's Office
A man goes to the doctor's office, and the doctor tells him, "You're going to have to stop masturbating." "Why, doctor? Am I going blind?" "No," the doctor replied. "But you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
A Blonde, A Brunette And A Redhead Lost In The Desert...
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
What Is A Coronal Mass Ejection?
I might be wrong here, but I think it's when you throw up after drinking too much Mexican beer.
A Saudi Man Told His Wife "Tonight, My Gazelle, Let's Have Some Romance"
She had no idea what "romance" was so she freaked out and went to her mother...
"Mother, my husband asked for romance tonight! Save me mother, what does he want?!"
The mother, trying her best to aid her daughter, replied:
"My dear daughter, I'm not sure what he means, men nowadays talk about all kinds of strange things. But I would advise that you prepare veal, and some grilled chicken, just in case."
Edit: This is an Arabic joke, I just translated it. In Arabic, of course, it sounds much better (esp. if told, as opposed to written) since telling it in the Saudi dialect makes it sound much more authentic.
Edit 2: Added a comma for enhanced readability.
Saturday, September 26, 2015
[NSFW] A Guy And His Girl Are At The Bar
After a while of sitting and drinking in a booth, the girl goes over to the bartender to get them another round. While she's there, a man starts harassing her, saying some really nasty shit. She's fuming.
She grabs the drinks and heads back to her boyfriend. "You are not going to believe what this guy just said to me!" Her boyfriend, starting to get concerned, asks what happened.
"This guy over there," she explained. "He said he wanted to take my clothes off with his teeth!"
"Seriously?! Who the fuck was it?" the boyfriend asked, standing up and looking around for the guy.
"Wait! Then he said he wanted to lick me from head to toe!"
"Alright, this asshole just earned a beating," the boyfriend said, rolling up his shirt sleeves and getting ready for a fight.
"THEN he said, he wanted to fill my fill my pussy with liquor and drink it!"
Her boyfriend paused a moment, then sighed and sat back down to drink his beer.
"What are doing?! You're supposed to be my boyfriend! Aren't you going to go kick his ass for talking to me like that?!"
The boyfriend looks her in the eyes and calmly says, "Sweetheart, I may be your boyfriend, but I'm not fucking with ANYONE that can drink that much liquor."
A Man Gets On A Train To Go To Scotland For Business...
When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."
A Man Moves To The Shetland Islands To Live In Solitude For A While
However after some months he starts to grow lonely and wishes for some company. Two weeks later a great storm comes in, and amid the thunder and lightning three great knocks come at his door. He opens the door to find a large man in a kilt smiling widely. The Scott at the door exclaims "I come to invite you to a party!" The man, shocked, asks what he's getting himself into. "Well," said the Scott, "there'll be drinkin'. There's always drinkin' at a Scottish Party." The man nods and replies "Well, I fancy myself a good drink now and then. That sounds good to me." "And," continues the Scott, "there'll be fightin'. There's always a good fight at a Scottish Party." The man nods again and, with a grin, says "that's alright, I've been known to hold my own in a good brawl." "AND," interjects the Scott, "there'll be SEX. WILD Shetland SEX." The man stands, excitedly, and says "WELL! This sounds fantastic! I've been alone for months. I'll be there! What should I wear!?" "Oh just come as y'are, Laddy," the Scott replies, "it'll just be you 'n me."
My Roommate Is Such A Hypocrite When It Comes To Sharing.
Apparently it's okay for him to finish my leftover pizza, but it's not okay for me to finish in his girlfriend.
Did You Hear About The Chinese Chef Who Broke Out Of Jail?
Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.
Two Bums Are Sharing A Drink...
A little background - in Russia it's kind of a cultural thing to drink in groups of three
Two bums are sitting in an alley behind a liquor store and sharing a bottle of cheap vodka when a third bum comes up to them.
- "Hey guys, can I be the third?"
- "No, but you can be the fourth!"
- "What?"
- "We already told three others to go fuck themselves"
What Did The Egg Say To The Boiling Water?
It might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.
My Brother Ran Into My Room Just Now And Said "Someone Dumped Exactly Seven Used Condoms On My Bed!"
I said: "Huh, that's odd."
3 Blondes On A Hike Found Some Tracks In The Woods...
Blonde girl one said "These are wolf tracks."
Blonde girl two rolled her eyes and said "No Lori, you're such an idiot, these are deer tracks."
Blonde girl three piped up and said "You are both wrong, these are obviously horse tracks."
They stood there arguing over the tracks for about 15 minutes. During the heated debate, they were hit by a train.
I'm sure you guys have heard this before, but just in case I figured I'd post it.
How Many People Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Only two, but either they'd have to be really really small people, or it would have to be a really big lightbulb, and I'm not sure how they'd get in it in the first place.
TIL There Was A Disney Movie Made In The Mid 90s Entitled "Gold Diggers: The Secret Of Bear Mountain"
sauce:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113188/?ref_=nmmd_md_tt1
I wasn't looking for a Disney movie with the title of a gay porno, but I'll be damned if I haven't found one...
The Cigar Store
[Ignore the fact that I'm writing this in English]
In the city of Quebec, there a cigar store. The owner is going on vacation.
To keep his business running he asks his friend to take over while he's away. The thing is, his friend doesn't speak a word of French while most people in the city don't speak a word of English.
The owner tells him not to worry as customers always ask the same three questions, all he has to do is memorize the answers and all will be well.
He tells his friend: The first question is usualy about what you're selling here so just answer:
"Yes, we sell cigars!"
The second question is about if the cigars are good. It varies with the cigars so you can answer:
"Some are, some aren't..."
By the third question they might get a bit uncertain as to buying so you can always tell them that "Well, If you don't do it today, someone else will tomorrow".
The owner's trick worked well enough and his friend was able to run the store without any issue, until the 6th day when an exhausted customer came an hour before closing.
"Hey there, I've had a bad day and I want a cigar for tonight."
"Yes, we sell cigars!"
"What? Do you take me for an idiot or something?"
"Some are, some aren't!"
"Hey buddy! Do you wanna get punched in the mouth?"
"Well, if you don't do it today, someone will do it tomorrow!"
Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
I Went To The Supermarket Today, And Was There For Literally 5 Minutes
When i came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,"Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break". He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So then I asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until 5 tickets were placed on the windshield. The more i insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Friday, September 25, 2015
So We Were In The Locker Room...
And bully was making fun of my friends penis size, so I told him it's a small-minded man who belittles another mans short-comings. Just a tiny bit of advice...
we aren't friends anymore...
(Long) An Assassin Is Hired By A Businessman To Kill A Senator Attending An Upcoming Orchestra
On the day, he disguises himself as the conductor of the orchestra. The orchestra goes rather poorly since he has no prior experience on the podium. However he is successfully able to pull out a handgun and shoot the senator.
He's tried and the judge orders death by the electric chair. The assassin willingly seats himself on the chair. However, the electric chair fails to kill him and he somehow manages to escape.
Impressed by the feats of the assassin, the businessman gives him another contract at the same theater. The assassin again conducts a bad orchestra only to successfully assassinate the target. He is again tried and sentenced to take the chair. And, like the last time, he is unaffected by the electric chair and escapes.
Months later, after the events are forgotten, an orchestra is performed in the very same theater, this time, by real musicians. The performance is splendid and people are pleased. However, another person is shot dead but nobody identifies the source of the gunshot. Remembering the previous murders at the scene, the conductor of the orchestra is arrested by the police. He is somehow framed guilty and the judge orders him to be executed by the electric chair. This time, the person dies.
The businessman hears of the events and asks the assassin how he was still alive.
"Well, I guess I'm just not a very good conductor"
What Happens When You Play A Country Song Backwards?
You get your truck back, you get your house back, you get your girl back, and you get your dog back.
Pants And Panties
John was going to be married to Mary so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'John, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.'' She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them." to which I replied, "Exactly.... I wear the pants in this f amily and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said John.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, John took off his pants and said to Mary, "Here, try these on.... "
She tried them on and said, "These are too large... They don't fit me."
John said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Mary took off her panties and handed them to John. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
John did and said, "I can't get into your panties."
Mary said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
There's a sign there that reads:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grilled Cheese - $2
Handjob - $10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He asks the petite bartender "Are you the little lady that gives the handjobs?"
Bartneder says "Why yes I am hun."
Guy says "well, wash those fuckin' hands and make me a grilled cheese"
A Blonde, A Redhead And A Brunette Stranded On An Island...
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 25 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Animals.
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Why Is It Called Justice League Of America?
Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"?
(Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)
Wife Said She Wasn't Going To Breadtfeed Until After Dar..
Sorry baby, today is the start of Mamadan.
Edit: a letter
I Used To Date A Girl With A Lazy Eye
But I had to break it off because she was seeing someone on the side.
An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over Five Years.
Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
Two Friends Are Hunting In The Woods
when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"
The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."
"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."
A Case Of Cows And Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Best Of Just For Laughs
Best of just for laughs...New Funny Videos & Funny Pranks !! #Funnyvideos #Funniest #Bestfails http://onlinebits.in/index.php?page=videogallery&cat=7&id=224
A Family Of Balloons
In this family was mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.
One night as mummy and daddy balloon are tucking in baby balloon for bed, baby balloon complains that he is scared and he wants to sleep in their bed.
"No baby balloon I'm sorry you have to sleep in your own bed"
So baby balloon waited until he was sure his parents were asleep and snuck into the room
He tried to squeeze into the bed but it was too tight so he decided to let a bit of air out of his dad
Again he tried to get into bed but it was still too tight so he let a bit of air out of his mum
Baby balloon got back into the bed but still it was just too tight so he got out, let a bit of air out of himself and got back in
It was a perfect fit and baby balloon soon drifted off to sleep
In the morning baby balloon awoke to his dad looking at him with a frown
"Baby balloon, you let me down, you let your mum down and most of all you let yourself down"
The French Minister Of Transport Receive His Counterpart From Uganda ...
After the offical things, he invite him to his place, outside of Paris. The Ugandan minister is astonished, as the place is a well restored and luxurious XVI century castle. He then ask :
But, how did you pay for that ? I thought you came from a poor family.
Come at the window, says the French. Do you see the highway over there ?
Yes ...
Well, it was billed for 1 billion. But the real cost was only 700 millions.
Oh, I see.
A few year later, it's the reverse. The french minister visit his Ugandan counterpart. In the same way, after the official stuff, they go to the place of the Ugandan minister. The french minister can't believe his eyes. There is a gigantic palace with multiple extensions, pools everywhere, a private zoo, a hundred of the most expensive car ... He then simply ask:
How ?
Come at the windows, says the Ugandan. Do you see the highway over there ?
... no, i can't find it ...
Exactly
(A Post about Putin's corruption in worldnews made me remember that one. And sorry if there are mistakes, english is not my first language)
The Karate Chicken
In my class was a boy named Johnny, he once told me he heard his friends speak about a karate chicken.
Wanting to find out more, he went to a farmer and asked for a karate chicken. The farmer gave him one for hundred dollar and said: 'just shout "karate karate" and then an object, and the karate chicken will completely destroy it'
So Johnny went home with his karate chicken and yelled 'karate karate closet' The chicken jumped up and destroyed the closet, then Johnny yelled 'karate karate mirror' Again the chicken jumped and destroyed the mirror.
Then his father came home and saw the destroyed closet and mirror. Furiously he yelled: 'what the hell is going on here' Johnny replied: 'look dad, I have a karate chicken'
'Karate chicken?' His father yelled 'karate? karate my balls!'
Edit: added a '?'
An Electrician Walks Into Intensive Care
and yells: ‘Hold your breaths, I am about to start replacing circuit breakers’
Did You Know Lotr Could Have Come Out A Lot Earlier?
Only problem was no one knew what the writer was Tolkien about
The Wife Of A Programmer Tells Him..
"Honey, would you please go to the store and get us a watermelon for the barbeceu. If they have eggs get a dozen."
He came back with twelve watermelons.
How Big Of A Difference Is There Between The Male And Female Reproductive System?
There's a vas deferens.
There Are 10 Kinds Of People
Those who understand binary and those wo dont.....
and those that understand that this joke is to the base of 3. OH SNAP!
(and yes I am aware that you can now continue this joke indefinitley)
What's The Difference Between America And A Yoghurt?
A yoghurt develops a culture After sitting there for 100 years.
Did You Hear About The Priest That Had A Nicotine Patch On His Dick? (NSFW)
He's cut back to two butts a week
Quick Thinking
A man and a woman are fooling around, when suddenly they hear the front door slam, "Its my husband, hide in the ensuite!" the man runs in just as the husband enters, "Love, why are you naked?" she replys "For you dear", happy the man walks into the bathroom to see a naked man befor him, "Who the fuck are you!" "Th-The moth exterminator" the naked man replys, "Why are you NAKED" the angry husband asks, The naked man looks down, Jumps back in shock and shouts "THE BASTARDS".
I Saw A Group Of Transvestites Driving Really Fast...
... it took me a while to realise that they were drag-racing.
Watch TV
There was a kissing scene on the TV, dad asked his son to pour a glass of water. Soon, the scene on TV and kissing, father let his son go to a cup of water, asked his son: Dad, is not a see some kiss you thirst ah?
Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Asked If He Wanted To Upgrade To Windows 10.
He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".
John Had Terrible Breath.
One weekend he and his buddy Mark went on a camping trip.
They only had one tent so they would have to sleep together.
John's breath was so bad that Mark couldn't stand it in the small closed space of that tent, so he told John everytime he wanted to say something he should poke him first, then Mark would put his head under their blanket before John started talking.
Right after hearing that, John promptly pokes Mark who runs for cover under the blanket to hear John whisper:
"Sorry, I farted."
Heart Melting Love Story: Boy: My Wife & 2 Kids.
Heart melting love story: Boy: I can’t marry u. My family is totally against it. Girl: Who r they 2 stop u? Boy: My wife & 2 kids.
This Woman Is About To Jump Off A Cliff...
when a homeless male comes up to her and asks what she is doing.
She replies "I'm dirt poor, my boyfriend cheated on me and I have nothing to live for! So I'm jumping."
The male numbs this over for a few seconds and says "Well in that case, if you're going to die anyway, how about a root before you jump?"
She replies with " Ewww! not with you, you dirty old man!"
He replies "Well in that case... See you at the bottom!"
A Tourist In Egypt Is Walking Through The Desert...
A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert on his way from one Oasis to another.
After a while, he spots a man, sitting in the middle of the desert, looking like he was holding on to an invisible steering wheel, and loudly going "Vroom! Vrooooom!!". Confused, he stepped closer. "Excuse me, Sir", the tourist asked, "What are you doing here?"
"Don't you see?", the man replies, "I am in the middle of a Desert Race! Better get out of the way so I don't drive you over! Vrooooom!!". The tourist just shakes his head, and leaves the man be. Poor guy, the heat must have made him go nuts. He continues his journey.
After 100 meters, he sees another man, sitting in the desert, going "Vroooooooom! Screeech! Vromvroooom!". Again, he steps closer, and asks "What are you doing here?"
"I'm in a desert race! Obviously! You seem confused, man, don't let the heat get to you! Stay Hydrated! Vrooom! Vroooooom!"
Even more confused, the tourist keeps walking. After another 100 meters, again, he sees a man sitting in the sand. But this one is different. He just sits there calmly, reading a newspaper while taking an occasional sip out of a water bottle. Relieved, the tourist approaches the man and greets him "I'm so glad to see a normal person around. Like, can you imagine, just 100 meters from here they are doing a desert race..."
The man interrups him and throws his newspaper away. "Holy shit, I didn't know they are that close already! Vroomvroooooom, Vrooom!"
I'm Sick And Tired Of People Telling Me To Turn Off Lights To Save The Environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
A Boy Is Selling Fish On A Corner.
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
So Mick Jagger Has A Pet Frog...
The frog decides he wants to buy a nice boat and sail the Caribbean, but he needs to take out a loan to pay for it. So he goes to the bank and talks to Ms. Paddiwack, the personal banker, about getting a loan. He explains that he is Mick Jagger's frog and all about the boat. Ms. Paddiwack asks him if he has any collateral for the loan. "Oh, yes!" the frog says, and he hands her a tiny, pink carving of an elephant. Ms. Paddiwack goes to her boss and says, "Sir, Mick Jagger's personal frog is here asking for a 200k dollar loan and all he has for collateral is THIS. What even is this?" To which her boss replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddiwack, give the frog a loan- his old man's a Rolling Stone!" All credit for this joke goes to my hilarious high school art teacher
There Was A Kidnapping At My School Today
Don't worry he woke up though
(Sorry if this joke has been said, a certain subsitute in my school just says these random jokes)
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
A Priest Decides To Take A Sunday Off
He feels a little guilty, but is sick of church, and tells himself that he deserves it. Just one Sunday off, what could it hurt? He arranges for a guest priest to give the service, and when Sunday comes, he goes golfing.
The priest gets to the golf course, and sets the ball on the tee. He lines up, aims his shot and swings. He searches all over for the ball, but in his amazement, he's made a hole in one!
He gives himself a pat on the back and moves on to the next hole. Again, he swings, and finds that he's made another hole in one! He's so excited he almost can't even write down the score.
All day, for all 18 holes, the priest swings and gets a hole in one, every time without failure. He's over the moon amazed and can't believe what a great day he's had. After the 18th hole, he packs up his equipment and goes home, glad that he's had a day all to himself, and what a great one at that!
God and the Devil have been watching the priest's amazing one-in-a-billion game all day.
The Devil turns to God and says, "I don't get it. This priest selfishly took a day off, and you give him the best golf day anyone could ever ask for. What gives?"
God grins to himself and says, "Who's he gonna tell?"
Only In America...
Can you shoot up a whole church and still be hated less than someone who shot a lion.
Referring To One's Self In The Third Person Is Really Obnoxious,
but you refer to yourself in the second person and it confuses everyone. It's probably why you have no friends.
The Only Muslim Joke I Know.
So, Abdul, Ali, and Mo are visiting America to go to a business convention. They get there, and walk in to the convention center. It is a big convention center, and they walk into the wrong hall. Everywhere they look there are beautiful women and men walking around naked. Unknown to them, next to the business show there was a sex show going on. Abdul and Mo quickly look away and start walking out, while Ali just stands there. So they ask him.
-Ali, what are you doing? That is haram. Avert your gaze!
-Quiet! Shutup! I haven't blinked yet!
Today I Asked "Where Do You Get Off" While Quarreling With My Girlfriend.
She replied "In your bed." Quarrel over.
Mama Shark And Baby Shark
Mama shark and Baby shark are swimming in the ocean. Mama shark turns to Baby shark and says "Baby shark, do you see those swimmers up there on the surface? I'm gonna teach you how to hunt. Watch this". So Mama shark swims up, sticks her fin out of the water, circles them 3 times, and then eats them. She comes back down and says "You see what I did there Baby shark?" Baby shark says "yes I did! that was great! but why did you stick your fin out of the water and circle them 3 times?" and Mama shark replies, "Well I find they taste much better when the shit is out of them"
So Many Years After His Death, I Stayed In Room 1401 And Remembered How Great Mitch Hedberg Was.
"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier." — Mitch Hedberg
R.I.P.
Who Reads The News AND Makes Coffee?
Katie Keurig.
(I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)
10 Blondes Walk Into A Bar...
they say to the bartender, "We'll have the most expensive bottle of champagne you have! We're celebrating." They sit down and crack open the bottle and raise their glasses and they all say "23" and drink. The bartender is curious and goes to their table and asks, "What are you celebrating?" They point to a framed puzzle and say, "We'll we were sick of all the negative stereotypes of blondes, so we decided to do this puzzle, it took us only 23 days, but on the box it says 2-3 years!"
The Scientific Method
A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
The spider turned right.
Just to prove it wasn't a coincidence, the scientist said "Spider, do a backflip"
The spider did a backflip. The audience was agog. No one was exactly sure what they were witnessing. It was truly astounding and a very important moment for science.
Then the scientist pinned down the spider with a surgical implement and sliced all of it's legs of with a scalpel.
"Spider, go forward."
Nothing. The spider just, sort of, twitched.
"Spider, go backwards."
Still nothing . "As you can see, when we cut the spiders legs off, it loses it's sense of hearing completely."
Two Whales Walk Into A Bar:
The first whale says: "Muuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooaaaaa.." The second whale turns to the first whale and says: "Frank! What the hell is wrong with you?"
What's The Difference Between A Chickpea And A Garbanzo Bean?
I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Fred The Uncharitable Shepherd
When asked about his personality,
Fred the Uncharitable Shepherd replied:
"I don't give a flock."
Apparently The Hulk's Blind Date Went Well.
I asked him about it today and he just said "Hulk Smash."
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Three Blondes Were Stuck On An Island
Three blonde women are stuck on an island. Together, they find a genie lamp and give it a rub. Sure enough, out comes the genie, who offers each of them one wish.
The first blonde woman says, "I wish I was smarter." The genie turns her into a brunette, and she swims off the island.
The next blonde woman thinks for a minute and tells the genie, "I wish you made me even smarter than you made her." The genie turns her into a black haired woman, and she builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde woman says, "I wish you made me smarter than both of them!" The genie then turns her into a man, and she takes the bridge off of the island.
A Therapist...
...said he could tell what their problems are by what they named their kids. He told one lady that she is overeater, cause she named her kid Candy. Said another lady is drug addict, daughter named Crystal. One lady is alcoholic, named kid Brandy. Last lady took her son by the hand, said "Come on Dick, we are leaving."
A Guy Walks Into A Hospital And Sees A Really Attractive Female With Brunette Hair Sitting Down.
And sits right next to her to make conversation. Guy:Hi, What are you here for? Girl:I am donating blood. Guy:How much are they giving you for your blood? Girl:$50 for a pint, what about you? why are you here? Guy:Oh, I am donating sperm. Girl: Cool, how much are they giving you? Guy:$300 Girl:Wow surprised/shocked face Then the two go there separate ways. The next day the female walks into the hospital and sits next to the same guy she met yesterday and the guy says "Are you donating blood?" And the girl whose mouth cheeks are puffed up shakes her head no
A joke I heard from a regular customer.
Gibson Guitars
does a pretty good job of letting you customize a Les Paul. But, after repeated inquiries, they still won't make me one that stops working whenever a Jew touches it, I call that one the "Mel Gibson."
A 911 Operator Gets A Call One Morning From A Frantic Man.
"My friend and I were out on a camping trip and I think he had a heart attack and he might have died and I don't know what to do".
The operator says to him "OK. Stay calm. First lets make sure he is dead".
The man says OK and a minute later the operator hears a gun shot. The man comes back and says;
"OK. Now what?"
There Once Was An....
..... Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day andall night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !
Think about it,
You're going to love this.
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!
Two Bananas Are Sitting On The Beach
Two bananas are sitting on the beach. One banana says "Hey, why don't we take a dip and cool off?" The other banana says "No, Larry I really don't feel like it" Larry responds "Come on Frank, it's a hot day I want to take a swim but I don't want to go out alone" Frank says "Larry, I don't want to go swimming!"
The argument dies down and about an hour passes. Larry looks out into the ocean and sees a turd floating. The turd says "Hey fellas, why don't you come on in the water's great!" Larry says "Hey Frank, he says the water's good, what do you say?" Frank says "You believe that shit?"
I Want To Die Like My Grandpa, Peaceful And In His Sleep.
Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.
Caesar Walks Into A Bar
He comes to a bartender and says - Martini, please.
Bartender responds with a question - Double or standard?
Caesar looks at him and answers with disdain - If I wanted a martinus, I would've said so.
The Rulers Of The US, Russia, And China Walk Into A Random Bar In Latin America
What do the locals call them?
El negro, el gringo y el chino.
Possible Theory On The Twin Towers
I know it's a sensitive moment/memory in U.S. history, but I have a plausible theory. What if the terrorists behind it all thought that the Twin Towers would fall like dominoes. Terrorist 1 said it would. Terrorist 2 said it wouldn't. They betted. They tried. Terrorist 2 won the bet. All dead. One Freedom Tower rose. No more dominoes. End.
This is just a joke, please do not take seriously!
What You Got There!? (Sorry Probably Horrible Editing, From Phone)
A young boy is walking down the street carrying chicken wire, there's an old man sitting in his porch watching him. "Hey, boy, what you got there?"
"chicken wire". Replys the boy.
"What you gunna do with that chicken wire?" Asks the old man.
"Catch me some chickens."
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The old man yells. The boy just shrugs his shoulders and keeps walking. A while passes and the boy comes walking back carrying 3 chickens. The old man sees him and shakes his head.
The next day, the boy passes by again carrying duct tape.
"Hey boy, what you got there?" The old man asks.
"Duct tape, I'm going to catch me some ducks!"
The old man shakes his head, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just continues on his way. Returning after a short while carrying 4 ducks. The old man sees him and shakes his head.
The following day the boy walks by dragging a long sick. The old man squinting looking at the boy, "hey boy, what you got now!?"
"This a branch from the pussy willow tree!"
The old man jumps up, "Hold on right there, Let me get my hat, im going with ya!!!"
Prom
Billy was going to his high school's prom with his girlfriend Sally on Friday night. So Friday morning he goes to pick up his tuxedo, but there's a really long line and he has to wait 45 minutes to get his tuxedo. Then he has to go get some flowers for Sally, but again there's a long line and he has to wait for an hour to get the flowers. Once he's ready he starts driving to Sally's house to pick her up, but there's a lot of traffic and has to wait again. He finally gets to the dance. After dancing for a little bit with Sally, she gets thirsty and asks for some punch. He goes to get her some, but there's no punch line.
A Young Native Child Asks His Father...
"Father, where did I get my name?"
To which the father replied, "well son, we name our children after the first thing we see when we come out of the teepee when you are born. That is why your sister is named Running River..."
"Oh, like how we live near the river!" the son chimed in. "But father, why am I named Twod Ogsfucking"
Two Old Ladies Are Walking Down The Street. It's Hot, They're Sweaty.
The first old lady says, "If you take your panties off, you'll cool down faster." The second old lady says, "Bullshit."
They keep walking down the road. It's still hot, they're sweaty. They see a third old lady sitting on her front porch. She's got a dress on, legs spread open, and she's got a turkey leg in her hand. The first old lady says, "Ya see, she's got no panties on, I bet she's cooler than you." The second old lady says, "Bullshit." The first old lady says, "Well why don't you go ask her."
So the second old lady goes up to her and says "Let me ask you a question. Do you think that you're cooler than me because you don't have any panties on? The third old lady says, "I don't know if I'm cooler than you, but it definitely helps keep the flies off my turkey leg."
Monday, September 21, 2015
My Grandpa Was Too Sick To Hear My Daily Joke At Lunch Today So I Wanted To Share His Favorite Joke!
There's a blonde rowing a boat out in a cornfield when another blonde drives by and sees her. She pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field, "You're the reason people think blondes are so stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
PS- Thanks to this sub for constantly providing me with hilarious jokes to tell my grandpa at lunch! He's an awesome man and really enjoyed the one about Congress being kidnapped the other day.
How Do You Stop A Dug From Humping Your Leg?
Pick it up...suck it's cock.
Edit: I meant dog not dug.
Some People Were Taking A Tour Of A Rubber Factory
On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps. Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop". One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were. "well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine poking a hole where the liquid will come out" Everyone thought that made sense and moved along the tour. Later on, the group came to where the factory made condoms. This time they heard, "Shh, shh, pop, shh, shh, pop". And again someone asked what the noises were.
The tour guide answers, "well its the same noises as the baby bottle caps. The shhing is the filling of the condom mould and the popping is the machine poking a hole in every other condom" One man interjects, "well that can't be too good for the condom business!" The tour guide then replies, "yea but it's great for the baby bottle cap business!"
What Did The Ocean Say To The Beach?
Nothing, it just waved...
Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.
Homeless Girl .....
I met this girl the other day and gave her my phone number. She said she would call when she got home. I'm beginning to think she's homeless???
My Friend Said To Me 'The Tory Party Is Just Cuts After Cuts After Cuts!'...
... I told him 'You're one letter off.'
A Family Books A Room In A Hotel...
... The father goes and says to the receptionist and says I hope the pornography is disabled here and the receptionist goes its normal pornography you sick bastard.
My SO Took A Couple Of Benadryl For Her Allergies.
As soon as she swallowed the pills, I said, "I'm gonna Cosby you."
An Austrian Psychologist....
tells his patient: "I have decided to start a career as superhero" excited the patient asks: "Really? What´s gonna be your name" "Austrian Psycho!" "....maybe you should add ´the second´"
I Never Wanted To Believe That My Dad Was Stealing From His Job As A Road Worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Suicide Bombers And Astronauts
When you think about it Suicide bombers and Astronauts are very similar, They both strap themselves to explosives and hope to end up in a better place.
I Tried To Learn Some Japanese
One morning, I was walking in town and saw a Japanese man along the way. I decided to ask him if he could teach me a few phrases from his language, he said okay.
How do you say "Good morning" in Japanese?, I asked
Fuck you, I'm Chinese, he replied, and walked away.
My Wife Asked Me If I Wanted Her To Patch-up The Holes In My Underwear.
I said: "No, they make more room for greatness."
What Does 1 Black Man Call A White Man?
Master.
What do 10 black men call a white man? Coach.
What do 100 black men call a white man? Warden.
What do tens of millions of white men call a black man? Mr. President.
My Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Me, Mainly Because Of My Extreme Burger King Addiction.
So I said to her "Fine, have it your way."
How Did The Machine Learning Professor Pick Which Of His Undergrads To Have Sex With?
He used a Naive Babe Classifier.
... Sorry for the nerd joke; I'll show myself out.
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
And behind the counter is one of the most beautiful women he's ever laid eyes on. He looks up behind her and sees a sign that says:
- Beer - $3
- Burger - $10
- Handjob - $100
He looks up at the girl and with a coy smile asks, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
She winks and responds, "Yeah, that's me."
To which the man responds, "Good, go wash your hands and make me a fucking burger."
My Girlfriend Played The Cello And I Loved It. But Recently She Gave Up The Cello And Took Up The Violin, So I Had To Break Up With Her.
Because I'm all about that bass, no treble.
I Just Took The Biggest Piss. Now They Have To Call It ...
The Land of 10,001 Lakes.
This joke only works if you're in Minnesota.
edit: I don't live in MN.
It Was Caesar's Birthday.
It was Caesar's birthday, and as in every year around this time, the Consuls were worrying about what to get him as a present. Brutus in particular was in a bind. How about a villa in the Apennines? He already had six. A Quinquireme? Marcus Antonius bought him a fleet of those last year, the suckup. He went to his wife for advice.
"O Portia, cousin and wife, avail me of your wisdom. What can I procure for our Dictator that will secure his good will and adequately celebrate the anniversary of his birth?"
Portia considered this for a moment, idly toying with a freshly greased ringlet. "We just got the new Far Samarkand Silk Road Mail Order Catalog. Why don't you go sit in your, uh, thinking room and have a look? Even if there's nothing in there, it might inspire you." So, Brutus did just that. He settled onto the finely carved marble and hefted the Far Samarkand Silk Road Mail Order Catalog onto his lap, and began to page through.
At first, he was dismayed at page after page of Apennine villas and fleets of Quinquiremes. He skipped over the heavily illustrated lingerie section, idly turning down the corners on a couple of pages for later reference - and then he saw it.
Chocolate-Covered Christians.
"Each individually-crafted, guaranteed unique Chocolate-Covered Christian is shipped to you direct, on ice, and escorted by a platoon of Khwarezmian Eunuch Warrior Monks. Packed in straw and wicker and cradled in a specially-engineered howdah, the Chocolate-Covered Christian is carried by a camel trained from birth for this task*.
"*Ice, Warrior Monks, Packaging and Camel costs vary by shipping destination. Quantities are strictly limited, order now!"
He was dumbstruck. This was... perfect. A glance at the fine print confirmed his suspicion, he had just enough time to order a couple of these bad boys before the big celebration, Two would be a fitting gift for Caesar, what the heck, he thought.
So, in due course, Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger went to the Appian Gate to take delivery. Sure enough, from far off in the distance he could see the dust cloud raised by his approaching delivery. As they drew closer, he could make out bright silk banners fluttering and the sound of Cornu and Auskales accompanying the strangely high-pitched singing of the escort. As they drew even closer, he could see the man-shaped wicker caskets standing atop the exotic beasts, swaying slightly back and forth, and steaming as the icy packaging sublimed in the midday sun.
"Awesome," thought Brutus, "I am sorted. I'll pack these away in my icehouse until the big day. And the other crap beats any fancy wrapping paper."
So, a few days passed. But, as Brutus went about his daily consular duties, some of his colleagues might have noticed that his mind was not on his task. He seemed somehow... distant. Only Brutus knew the truth, as he was constantly wondering... what do they taste like? As time went on, he was seized by doubt, what if they're just plain bad? I really need to check.
So, came the night, and Brutus stole away into his icehouse. The Chocolate-Covered Christians stood in the darkness like a pair of mute witnesses to his shame, as he reached out... and snapped off a pinky finger. Breathlessly, he raised it to his lips, and bit.
It was delicious.
He could not control himself. This was the most delicious thing he had ever eaten. He reached out again, and snapped off the whole hand at the wrist. He devoured it in seconds, and reached out for more.
By dawn, Brutus sat in shame, head in hands. Next to him, one of the Chocolate-Covered Christians was half gone, just a pair of legs standing like accusing sentinels. His head cleared slightly as he realized that there was still, mercifully, one entirely untouched Chocolate-Covered Christian to serve as his gift. Also, he still had both camels, much of the ice, and nearly all of the Eunuchs... Things weren't too bad. He breathed a sigh of genuine relief, and smiled inwardly in the knowledge that still, Caesar would never have received such a gift as this.
So, the day of Caesar's celebration arrived. This year, the Consuls had pretty much outdone themselves - Publius had flooded the Plain of Mars and staged a naval battle. Crassus had given a fleet of Septiremes, with the extra two rows of oars manned by slaves selected for their resemblance to Marcus Antonius. Marcus Antonius himself had presented a bevy of a thousand barely-clad maidens, one from each distant province and kingdom of the known world. And now it was Brutus' turn. He mounted the steps of the Theater of Pompey to stand next to his Dictator and, he hoped, friend.
"Now, Caesar, let me present... Your Chocolate-Covered Christian.". He raised an arm, and into the plaza moved the procession. The banners, trumpets, bells, drums and song were every bit as exotic as he had hoped. The panoply of the Eunuch Warriors and the camels were almost terrifying in their strangeness. And in the center, the swaying, faintly sinister Chocolate-Covered Christian itself, steaming slightly as the humid air chilled in its ice-cooled proximity. With pride, Brutus turned back to Caesar...
...In time to see Gaius Servilius Casca, standing behind Caesar, his arms raised, clutching a vicious looking knife in his hand. Brutus opened his mouth to cry out, but his shock was such that he was paralyzed into inaction. He was unable to stop the blow, and unable to act as others en the crowded steps moved forward, revealing formerly concealed knives, and rained down blows on Caesar.
As they moved away to reveal the bloody figure on the ground, Brutus finally moved. He ran forwards and cradled the gory head of his dying friend. Still in shock, he leaned closer as he saw that Caesar was trying to speak. In his dying croak, he heard:
"Et tu, Brute?"
Brutus said, "No! I only had half of one!"
Sunday, September 20, 2015
How Many Republicans Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Three: One to deny lightbulbs exist, one to steal your furniture in the dark, and one to stop you from installing a lightbulb yourself to prove the first one wrong.
I'm Not The Best At Giving Advice When It Comes To Tequila
So you'll have to take it with a grain of salt...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
To go see his ugly friend.
Knock Knock.
---- (Who's there?)
It's the chicken!
You can thank my 10 year old for that one ☺
An Old Jewish Couple
An old Jewish husband and wife went to visit Israel on vacation. They were in Bethlehem and Jerusalem and other big cities. The wife came down with an illness and was unable to be treated and passed away. The man was given two options... To have his wife buried in Israel with a traditional Jewish ceremony for only $450 or to have his wife's body flown back to America to have the ceremony and burial there for around $10,000. The Jewish man answered very quickly, "Have her flown back!" The caretaker was blown away and asked, "Why would you pay all that money when she could be buried here with a traditional Jewish ceremony and everything?" The husband replied, "There was a man buried here a couple thousand years ago and some say he rose from the dead... I can't take that chance."
What Are Some Really Stupid Jokes?
One I know is this:
Spanish teacher: Kids, what is the ellos/ellas form of the verb sacar?
Students: Sacan?
Spanish teacher: SACAN DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!
Mothers In Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”
A Man At A Bar Has A $45 Tab.
An old man at a bar has a $45 tab. The barkeep asks him to pay up.
The old man winks and says, "Double or nothing I can bite my right eye."
The barkeep says, "That's impossible so you're on. It's only $45."
The old man plucks out his glass right eye and bites it. "Double or nothing I can bite my left one too!"
"You walked in here, you ain't blind, so sure thing." Says the barkeep, frowning a little.
The old man takes out his dentures and uses them to bite his left eye. "Double or nothing I can stand on the bar and piss in a bottle on the floor without spilling a drop!"
Now the barkeep is sweating a little as he agrees, "It's only $180. There's no way."
The old man slowly climbs up onto the bar and shakily unzips his pants. A sprinkle of pee spatters the bar, the bottle, the barstool, the barkeep and mostly the carpet.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You owe me $180!" The barkeep is ecstatic.
"Son of a BITCH!!" An observer sitting nearby suddenly unleashes a stream of cussing.
"What's wrong?!" Asks the barkeep.
"Yesterday that old man bet me $400 he could stand on the bar today and piss on you and your bar and you'd laugh and let him leave!"
Impatience
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
Tech Joke Which Actually Just Happened
A: Some non technical guy
B: A person who claims to be technical
C: Me
A to B : Are you using "Microsoft Sequel Server" as backend?
B to C: Is the backend of ASPECT written in Sequel?
C to B : Did you mean SQL ?
B to C: I don't know what it is. Someone just asked me! Haha
C to B : Pretty sure they meant SQL
B to C: They should have just said SQL. I would have known what they were talking about
A Psychologist Performs An Experiment On 3 Patients
One day a psychologist decided to perform an experiment to better determine what kind of personality her patients had. She decided to perform the experiment by leaving a half-filled glass of water on her desk and asking the patients to describe the glass of water once they sat down for their appointment.
The first appointment walks in and sits down. The psychologist asks her patient if they noticed the glass on the table as they walked in. The patient replied they did. She asked the patient to describe the glass to her. The patient replied that it was a glass half-filled with water. The psychologist said excellent, from your response I am able to determine that you are an optimist and with this information I can better work with your needs. The patients completes their session, thanks the psychologist for her clever diagnosis and personalized treatment strategy.
The second appointment walks in and sits down. The psychologist asks her patient if they noticed the glass on the table as they walked in. The patient replied they did. She asked the patient to describe the glass to her. The patient replied that it was a glass half-empty with water. The psychologist said excellent, from your response I am able to determine that you are a pessimist and with this information I can better work with your needs. The patients completes their session, thanks the psychologist for her clever diagnosis and personalized treatment strategy.
The third appointment walks in. This patient was unusual, she walked in with thick hipster glasses, a shirt that says "smash the patriarchy", and pink hair. As she sits down she asks if the psychologist noticed that the glass of water on the desk that was being raped.
In A Way, I'm Happy That My Friend Died While Doing Something He's Always Talked About Wanting To Do.
However, it's hard to stay positive about suicide.
Tom Brady Didn't Destroy His Phone
After the Super Bowl, he gave it to Russell Wilson.
Instead of handing it over to the league, Russell chose to throw it away.
There Was A Lawyer Who Argued With Everyone That He Passed, Until He Was Finally Arrested...
for public mass debating
(Sport) What Is The Difference Between England And A Tea Bag?
Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag? A: A tea bag could stay in the cup for longer.
A Navy Recruit Is Being Shown Around The Ship For The First Time...
As he is going around the ship with the sergeant, they get to the sleeping quarters. The sergeant says, "This is where you will sleep and get dressed." Before they continue on, the recruit spots a barrel with a hole in the side of it in the corner of the sleeping quarters. The recruit asks, "Sir, what is the barrel in the corner for?" The sergeant replies, "That's for when, um, you get horny. You, you know..." assuming the recruit knew what he was insinuating. "Understood" replied the recruit. "Don't forget," said the sergeant. "You can use that barrel every day of the week except Tuesday." The recruit asks, "Why not Tuesday?" The sergeant replies, "Because that's your turn in the barrel."
So A Man Was Reported As Having A Gun Turned Out To Be An Umbrella
He was armed and while the umbrella was open rather shady
I Had A Terrible Break Up
My friends told me that if I want to get over my ex-girlfriend, I should get rid of anything that reminded me of her. So what I did, is I took the pillows that smelled like her, and cut them up. Then, anything we bought together, I smashed into tiny pieces. After that, I ripped up all the pictures of her. Finally, I put it all in a pile in the middle of the living room, and I lit it on fire. Then I got the hell out of her apartment!
A Roman Walks Into A Bar
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus
The bartender asks "don't you mean a martini?"
The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
I Was Born Disabled
I couldn't walk, had no hair, couldn't talk, just laid there and shit myself....
I Was Once Called A Racist For Saying Black Paint.
Apparently the correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
An Old Married Couple....
...... no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'
You Know What Sucks About Being An Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?
You end up staying awake all night wondering if there is a dog
A Trucker Is Driving And Comes To A Red Light..
As he stops, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
A Man And His Ever-nagging Wife Are On Vacation In Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
What Did The Triangle/delta Say To The Modulus ?
Leave me alone!! I do not want to be in your det/debt ..
P.S- determinant symbol | Δ |
Saturday, September 19, 2015
I Met This Girl The Other Day And She
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.
Do You Do Lemonade
Client: Do you do lemonade?
Me: Do we do… lemonade?
Client: Yes, I was told you do that here.
Me: I’m sorry, this is a graphics and print shop.
Client: I know that. I’m not an idiot.
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to
Client: Look if you can’t lemonade these papers for me then I’ll go somewhere else!
Me: Do you mean… Laminate?
What Do Rick Astley And A Loyal Partner In Crime Have In Common?
They'd both probably get raped in prison.
Sure, When You Buy An Old Lamp People Call It An Antique
But when I buy an old slave, people call it cruelty!
Im Not Saying The Police Are Over Zealous
but I was arrested yesterday for singing "come on baby light my fire." They said it was inflammatory.
The Pianist
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person.
The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Make-Out Session Gone Wrong
Steve and his girlfriend, Sheila, were making out real hot and heavy when Steve's left hand wandered south. He began fingering his girl's vagina when she whispered in his ear, "Could you take your ring off?" She continued, "It's really uncomfortable." Steve whispered back to her, saying "Sorry, Sweetie, that's not my ring, it's my watch."
There Are 10000000 People In A Room
1 of them understands binary and the other 127 don't.
Decided to make my own variation of the original joke :)
On A Scale Of 1 To 10, How Obsessed Am I With Harry Potter?
9 3/4
Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.
Rene Descartes Walks Into A Bar...
The bartender asks, "will you be having a drink tonight?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
And POOF, he disappears.
Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.
She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
If There Is A Wessex, Sussex, And Essex Why Isn't There A Northern County Similarly Named?
Cause then there would be Nosex!
A Blonde Visits A Doctor
One day, a blonde goes to a doctor. She told the doctor, "Doctor, my son has dandruff, what do I do?" The doctor replied, "Give him Head and Shoulders." So the next day, the blonde comes back and asks, "Doctor, how do I give him shoulders?"
Born With No Eyelids
( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)
Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?
No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was working in a rural part of some country in Asia, Thailand I think, and they found this baby that had been born with a congenital birth defect, he was born without eyelids.
Yeah I know, it's pretty crazy. The country hospital they found him in was trying to keep him from going blind by dropping eyedrops into his eyes every few minutes. The missionaries felt horrible for the kid and his family, so they offered to adopt him, and after pulling a few strings they brought him to a children's hospital in Boston to see if he could be helped.
So this awesome plastic surgeon there discovered that he could transplant the kids foreskin and create useable eyelids, and they saved the kids sight!
Everything worked, the surgery was successful. Only problem now is that the kid is just a little bit cock-eyed.
Hillary Running For President
I hear Hillary's running for president. Let's hope she doesn't blow it.
We Must Be In The Bathroom...
because uraneight.
I literally just made this up, might explain why its so so
A Guy Says To His Friend: "Dude, I Have A Huge Pimple On My Butthole!"
The friend asks: "Do you want me to pop it?"
"Ok, but be careful with the pimple".
Yo Momma's So Fat,
That she tripled the national average weight when she arrived in the United States.
Lawyers & Assholes
A man is sitting in a bar when he loudly says, "All lawyers are assholes." A man sitting on the other side of the bar hears this and replies, "Hey, I'm offended by that." The first man replies, "What, are you a lawyer?" The second man replies, "No, I'm an asshole."
Friday, September 18, 2015
I Have A Drinking Problem...
If Billy has 8 cups of water, and Jimmy drinks 6 of those cups of water, how much water is left?
A Blonde A Catholic And A Boy Scout
So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic.
The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats and get up in the air. Soon after, the plane's engines stall, and the pilot announces they are going to crash.
"I only have two parachutes," the pilot says. "But I've lived a long, righteous life, so I'll go down with the plane and soon see my wife in heaven."
The boy's father looks at him. "Billy, you've always been so compassionate and intelligent. You go on that retreat. I've lived a wonderful life and have already made greatest achievement, you. So young lady, you and Billy may take the parachutes."
"Yippee!" The blonde says, and jumps out the exit.
"Now son, I know this is hard-"
"Wait, dad. I just want to ask... You always wished you could buy me the world, right?"
"Of course, son."
"And if I lost my backpack, you'd buy me a new one?"
"Of course, son."
"Good. Here's your parachute. That dumb bitch just stole my backpack."
Two Men.
Two homosexual men are having sex and die instantaneously. Which one goes to heaven first?
The one on the bottom because his shits already packed.
Kanye Performing At The Special Olympics
I saw that Kanye West performed at the Special Olympics. I didn't realize rapping was one of their events.
European Knights Vs Japanese Samurai
Who would win in a fight between a European knight and a Japanese samurai? The knight because the samurai has a chink in his armor.
A Large Woman, Wearing A Sleeveless Sun Dress, Walks Into A Pub In Dublin.
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little ole drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approaches the little ole drunk and says, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The drunk replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
Son! You Have Been Adopted
-Really!
-Yes. Now gather your shit and get out. Your new parents are here to pick you up.
A Man Was Walking His Pet Raccoon Down The Street.
A black guy walked up to him, pointed at the raccoon, and said, "What the hell is that?"
The man said, "You don't know what this is? Ha, I bet you've been called this your whole life."
The black guy replies, "You mean to tell me that's a motherfucker?"
One Day Johnny Sees His Friend Walking Along The Beach.
One day Johnny sees his friend walking along the beach.
“What's up, bro?”
“Eh, nothing”
“I know you're sad, I'm you're best friend, you can tell me everything!”
“You see, this is the place were my first wife drowned.”
“Well, it's been years since then! You've got a new car, a new house, and a new wife! Basically a new life!”
“Now, is not that I miss her, but, you see, my new wife is a professional swimmer.”
Panda Walks Into A Restaurant....
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
Whats The Difference Between A Catfish And A Lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
What's The Difference Between A Black And A White Fairytale?
What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
TIFU On The Roof Of My Apartment Complex...
It was like most other sex I've had, only it was up on the roof.
Who's Your Favorite Comedian?
Friend: who's your favorite comedian Me:Donald Trump Friend:why? Me:Everybody knows Donald trump is a joke
I Am A Man Who Adheres To "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You" Literally
that's why I am still a virgin
"My Husband Had A Heart Attack While Having Sex With Me."
"I'm so sorry, ma'am. At least he died doing what he loved."
3 Man Crash With A Plane On An Abandoned Island:
an American, a Japanese and an English man are the only survivors. The American immediately takes charge and gives everyone a task in order for them to survive. You English man, go into the woods and gather tree branches so we can make a fire. I will go make a spear and hunt animals for food and the Japanese is in charge of supplies over here.
several hours later the English men comes back with allot of wood to make a nice fire. Moments later the American comes back and killed a deer so they have a nice meal for the night. The Japanese is nowhere to be found. Several hours pass while a nice fire is going and the food is almost ready. They say: we better start eating, I have no idea where he went. then out of nowhere the japanese jumps down from a tree. SUPPLIES!
On Earth: A Magician Puts His Hand In His Hat.
In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabit council must choose another sacrifice.
If Women Ruled The World, There Would Be No Wars...
Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.
I Hate It When You Offer Someone A Sincere Compliment About Their Mustache
..and suddenly she is not your friend anymore! :(
I'm Not Sure What Happened To The Word "cocksucker".
People use it now to describe a bad man when it actually describes a good woman.
One Day, A Blonde Got Her Driving License
She talks to her guy: "You know, I have passed driving exams. Now I'll be choosing a machine to buy. Maybe you could advise which machine would be the best?" By which he replied,"Washing one."
After The Death Of Bobbi Kristina Brown In Similar Circumstances To Her Mother Whitney Houston...
The family have released an online video to commemorate their lives. "Two Girls, One Tub" was probably not the best idea for a title.
[NSFW]Why Is Your Cat At School Today Jimmy?
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Thursday, September 17, 2015
I've Git Nothing Against Blonds. My Girlfriend Us Blond. I Heard This Joke From My Friend, And It's Not That Bad.
There were 25 blonds, and 5 brunettes on a plane. After they got up higher, the pilot got on the loud speaker, and said that they needed to drop the floor, because they were going down. He told everyone to grab onto the handle bars above. When everyone did, the pilot dropped the floor. After a few minutes, he said that they were still going down, and needed some people to drop themselves. After the blonds refused, the brunetts said that they would do it. All the blonds clapped for them...
Ancient Reddit Proverb
Sober woman run over man - woman get 2 years in prison.
Drunk woman run over man - man charged with rape.
I Love The Way Pitbull Says "Mr.World Wide" At The Start Of A Song.
Because it gives me time to change the station.
A Woman Sees Her Husband Out To Lunch With Another Woman
She approaches the table and asks "who's she?" The husband replies "no love, we're eating sandwiches."
Hold The Chicken...
A man walks into a diner, and asks the waitress about the soups of the day. The waitress says, "We have chicken soup, and pea soup." "I'll have the chicken soup, please," he says. The waitress calls back to the kitchen, "One chicken soup!" "On second thought," the man says, "I'll have the pea soup." The waitress calls back to the kitchen, "Hold the chicken and make it pea!"
How Jesus Was Named
Three wise men visit the baby child lying in the manger. As they step into the stable, the tallest one cracks his head on a low roofbeam. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaims, rubbing his forehead.
"Write that one down," Joseph says to Mary, "it sounds a hell of a lot better than Dave."
Note: this not mine, a friend told me this joke recently and this is how I think it goes
What's The Difference Between A Genealogist And A Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
Fucking Doctors . . .
A doctor walks into a nursing surgery. Say's to the mother, "I've got good news and i've got bad news."
Mother says, "Give me the bad news."
Doctor says, "Your baby was born with red hair"
Mother says, "Give me the good news"
Doctor says, "It died."
What Is,"Head And Shoulders Dandruff Shampoo For Fine-Oily Hair
What do you get when you cross sodium citrate, citric acid, benzyl alcohol, monoethanolamine, sodium benzoate, gylcol disterate, FD&C Yellow #5, ammonium lauryl sulfate, methylisothiazolinone, fragrances/perfumes, FD&C Blue #1, sodium chloride, zinc pyrithione, methylchloroisothiazolinone, ammonium xylenesulfonate, ammonium laureth sulfate, cetyl alcohol, cocamide, guar hydropropyltrimonium chloride, 1-Decene, homopolymer, hydrogenated, trimethylolpropane tricaprylate and water?
Half Life 3 Confirmed!!!!!!!!!!iiiiiiiii!
Durr
Edit: didn't know I wouldn't get karma. Ridiculous! This series sucked anyways
What's The Difference Between A 6 Year Old And A 16 Year Old?
Which hole they stick their finger in when no-one's looking.
My Friend And I Are Playing A Game..
So my friend and I are currently playing a game. The person who is hated the most by the Reddit community loses. Well, to put it simply..
I just lost the game.
What Do You Call A Cow...
With three legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs?
That's right! Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? .... YOUR MOM.
Girl - Baby I Am Wet.
Boy - want a paper towel? Girl - no, i want more then that ;) Boy - want 2 paper towels? Girl - no, baby i want something big and round ;) Boy - damn you want the whole roll?
A Girl Realized That She Had Grown Hair Between Her Legs. She Got Worried And Asked Her Mom About That Hair.....
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
Heres Something I Have That Youll Never Have!
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
A Man And His Wife
A man for a long time no sex with his wife, wife is very uncomfortable. One day he to take his wife naked, inverted in front of the mirror, wife joy complied. He will his legs apart, her chin put in pussy asked: I look good with a goatee??
Why Is It Better To Be A Redditor Rather Than A Suicide Bomber?
You are guaranteed to meet more virgins..
What Do Warm Toilet Seats And Pussy Have In Common?
They both feel nice but you never know who's been there first
3 Idiots Are Walking On Road And Find A Hole.
fit idiot : wait wait there is a hole formed here we need to wait here call ambulance if anyone falls into it. second idiot : you idiots if ambulance go with first patient who falls in it then what about if another fellow falls again then..so we have to ask for more ambulances. third idiot : you fools..that is why you both are idiots..we need a solution so we will do one thing that we will close this hole first and instead of here we will dug the same hole at the hospital then there is no need of ambulance know?
A Gynecologist Is Performing A Routine Check On A Lady.
It's the most attractive vagina he has ever seen in all his years. He asks the woman "would you like me to numb you before I begin?". "Yes please" she replies. num num num num num...
Working With Cops As A None Cop Has Its Benefits.
I always get to say the same joke and always get a laugh.
"Do i smell Bacon!"
i love cops... ill show myself out.
How Many Asexuals Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
Well, actually, they just wouldn't. And why should they? They are perfectly happy in the dark.
Fetty Wapp Was Fired From 3 Cashier Jobs Before Turning To Rap Music
No matter what items were scanned through, the total always came up to $17.38
What Is A Difference Between Acne And A Catholic Priest?
Acne actually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Ran Into Hitler
I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to. He said, “This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!” I replied, “Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?” He replied, “See? Nobody cares about zee Jews.”
Mother Superior At The Grocery Store
Mother Superior, "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent." Salesman, "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them." Mother Superior, "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
An Elderly Couple Were Sitting On Their Front Porch...
When, suddenly, a young man comes flying down the old dirt road on his new motorcycle, as loud as can be. He was yelling with excitement and having the time of his life.
The old man jumps up out of his rocker and runs into the house. He emerges a few seconds later with his rifle and points it at the passing man.
Pow! The bike swerves violently and the man is thrown off the motorcycle and into the ditch beside the road.
"What the Hell was that, Paw!?" His wife exclaims in shock.
"I don't know," he replies, "but I made it let go of that man!"
Three Wishes
Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a shiny lamp washes up on the shore. One man picks up the lamp and rubs it, a genie appears and offers three wishes.
The first man wishes to be taken back home, as he misses his family very much. The genie snaps his fingers and the man finds himself back with his wife and children.
The second man wishes to be taken to Paris, as it is a place he has always wanted to visit. The genie snaps his fingers and he finds himself in front of the Eiffel Tower.
The third man, now alone on the island, looks around and says, "I wish my friends were back."
A Man Is Jogging Along A Beach...
A man is jogging along a beach when he sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench, crying.
He walks up to her and asks her if she's okay, to which she replies,
"I see all these people hugging, and I've never been hugged!"
So the man gives her a hug and then jogs off.
The next day, he's running on the same beach when he sees the same woman with no arms or legs, sobbing.
He goes up to her and asks her again if she's okay, and she responds,
"I've never been kissed before!"
So he gives her a quick kiss and then jogs off.
The next day while on his run he sees her again, still there, still crying. He approaches her and asks whats wrong, to which she hesitantly replies with,
"Well, I don't know if this is too much, but I've never been fucked either.."
So the man picks her up by the torso and chucks her into the ocean, yelling, "You're fucked now!"
My favorite joke :)
My Girlfriend Has A Fetish For Feet
Every time I go to see her she adds a few more to the restraining order.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Justice
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”
“$7.98.” said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
A Kit Kat
A man walks into a gas station and tells the woman behind the counter that he would like a Kit Kat Chunky. When she brings him back a Kit Kat Chunky, he says, "No, I wanted a regular Kit Kat, you fat bitch."
My Daughter Wanted Me To Treat Her Like A Princess
So I let her get stolen by a giant, mutant turtle.
Found A Interesting Submission Today About How To Counter-attack While Fencing...
Then I realized it was a riposte.
Nosferatu's Bats
Nosferatu the Vampire wants a bat to be his companion. He decides to hold a competition to choose the best bat for the job. He tells the bats, "Whoever gets the most blood on their face and comes back to me gets to be my companion." So Nosferatu brings the four bats auditioning for the job to the top of his castle and tells the first bat to fly out and come back with blood on his face.
The first bat comes back with some blood on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The first bat replies, "See that school over there? I sucked the blood out of the children." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the second bat.
The second bat comes back with a lot blood on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The second bat replies, "See that village over there? I sucked the blood out of the working men." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the third bat.
The third bat comes back with a ton on his face. Nosferatu says, "Good job. How did you do it?" The third bat replies, "See that church over there? I sucked the blood out of the nuns." Nosferatu is pleased and sends out the fourth and final bat.
The forth bat comes back and his entire face is covered in blood. Nosferatu, astounded, says, "Oh my lord! Fantastic job! How on earth did you do it?" The fourth bat says, "See that tower over there?" Nosferatu says, "well, no I don't". The fourth bat replies, "neither did I".
Did You Hear About The Lady Lawyer Who Went To Her Gynecologist?
The gynecologist said, " Let's use this device to spread your vagina." The lawyer shouts, "I object! Calls for speculation!"
I'll go...
What Does American Beer And Making Love On The Beach Have In Common?
They're both fucking close to water.
Why Muslim Women Wear Headscarves
A man asks a Muslim: "why your women wear headscarves?" Muslim pulled from his pocket two candies, one wrapped, another not and said: "Choose one." The man chose the one that wrapped and exploded.
PS: I'm still learning english and would be glad if you can correct me. Sorry for grammar.
Arsonist On The Loose!
Did you hear about the serial arsonist in the news? They say he has switched from hitting seedy dives to torching upscale nightclubs. While the police investigation is ongoing, the Fire Department are quoted as saying, "Anyway you slice it, He's Razed the Bar."
A Man Walks Into A Psychiatrist's Office Wearing Only Shorts Made Of Plastic Cling Wrap..
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic cling wrap. The man says to the shrink, "Sir, I need you to evaluate me." The psychiatrist looks up from his clipboard, sighs, and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
A Gay German Couple Is Fishing On A Lake
Two gay German men are fishing in a small boat in a lake. A police officer sees them and says, "Hey! No fishing!"
The men reply "Verboten!"
"I don't care if you're boatin," replies the officer. "Fuck you Nazi shitbags!" He then shoots a hole in the boat, which causes it to sink. The men swim to shore and take turns fellating the officer until they die.
I Have No Job, No Car, And I Live With My Parents.
Making a Tinder profile as a teenager is difficult.
I Heard Jay-Z And Doc Brown Were Recording A Rap Album Together.
They're going to call it "Jigga-Watt"
I Went To The Supermarket Dressed As A Classical Composer...
Somebody asked me what I was Chopin for.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Nightmare
A man wakes up screaming, and his wife asks "what's wrong? Nightmare?" The man nods. "What was it?" asked the mans wife. He takes a second to wipe the sweat off his face before telling the story. "It was a wonderful summer day. We were all in the car going on vacation." "That doesn't seem too bad..." says the wife. "Then I realized that you were driving," says the husband.
I Told My Wife I Love Her Like A Brit Loves Soccer...
She looked worried and said, "So you're going to get drunk and yell at me?"
EDIT: correcting auto-correct.
My Dad Died Five Years Ago But I Still See Him Everywhere I Look.
Makes me wish I hadn't dismembered him.
A Man Shows Up At Work With Two Black Eyes...
his boss asks "what happened?" the man explains "I was at church and whe we stood up for the closing prayer a lady in front of me had her dress stuck between her butt cheeks so i reached out and pulled it out and she turned around and punched me." "Twice?" his boss asked? "nah.. I felt really bad...so when she turned back around i tucked it back in"