A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change...
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Friday, September 30, 2016
Does Anyone Remember That Show Where Ron Howard Was A Kid With A Paper Route?
Probably not. Opie delivered.
Two Students Were Arguing When Their Teacher Entered The Classroom....
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
What's Worse Then Passing Out At A Party And Getting A Penis Drawn On Your Forehead?
Finding out that they traced it....
You Must Always Remain Positive To Keep Things Together In A World Full Of Negativity.
Sadly, Juggalos may never truly understand this sentiment.
Hymie Goldberg Comes Home From Work One Evening And
Becky says, ”Did you go to the store and pick up the snapshots, like I asked you? You probably did not!
You never listen to me! You never remember anything!
Oh! You did get them. Well, thank goodness for miracles. Let me see them!
This shot is terrible and this one is even worse.
My God! This one is horrible and this one is a disaster.
In fact, this is the worst lot of photographs I have ever seen in my life.
You can’t do anything right! You can’t drive a car properly! You can’t even change a fuse. You can’t sing in tune, and as a photographer, you are the worst!
Just take a look at these pictures: in every one you took of me, I have my mouth open!”
The Gastronomic Critic.
Francois is a very well know culinary critic on a professional visit in a very busy brasserie. Promptly recognized by the manager as he enters the restaurant.
He is seated at the best table and received top notch service. He orders asparagus à la flamande and get served. Two minutes later he calls the manager to complain. He sends back the plate to the kitchen stating it smells like curry. Probably a lack of washing, he says.
The chef is in the rush and is not having any of this shit. Furiously, he makes another plate after double washing just to make sure.
A few minutes later the critic calls the manager. The plate taste like estragon and wish his plate to be redone.
At this point even the manager can't take it anymore and after fake baffled excuses he rushes in the kitchen. Brigitte is at the washing machine waiting for the next cycle to finish. The man asks Brigitte for her panties and after a brief explanation, she gives him her tong. He rubs it on a fresh plate and asks the chef for the asparagus. He serves it to François with giant smirk on his face.
A few minutes later the gastronome calls for the manager. With fumes coming out of his ears and nose he walks to the foody expert's table and asks loudly: WHAT AGAIN
François: Oh nothing, I was just wondering if Brigitte works here?
Damn Girl, Are You The Wife Of A Convict Serving A Long Term In A Federal Penitentiary?
Because you left before I even finished my sentence
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?”
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”
“You’re a snail?”
“Yeah, I’m a snail,” says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, “This is Michelle.”
Three Rednecks Went Hunting.
Alright.. So there are these three rednecks, and they all decided to go on a hunting trip together. - The first day, the first redneck goes out and successfully hunts a deer. He brought it back; then the other two ask how he got it. "I just followed the tracks and killed it." He replied. - The second day, the second redneck goes out and successfully hunts a boar; loaded it up in his truck and brought it back. Again, the other two asked how he got it. "I just followed the tracks and killed it." He said. - The third day, the third redneck goes out, but comes back empty handed while covered in cuts and bruises all over his body. The other rednecks were appalled and asked what happened. "Well.. I tried to follow your guys' advice, but I got hit by a damn train!"
My 14-year-old Daughter And Her Best Friend Got Front-row Tickets To A Peter, Paul, And Mary Concert.
When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience."
Thursday, September 29, 2016
What Do Woman And KFC Have In Common
After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.
A Mole Family Wakes Up One Morning.
The father mole stretches, climbs up to the edge of the hole, and exclaims, "it smells just like syrup out here!" The mama mole squeezes up next to him and says "well I'll be, it does smell like syrup!" Then the little baby mole tries to push his way to the hole but his mom and dad are completely blocking the way. He cries "I don't know what you two are talking about, all I smell is mole-asses!"
A 95 Year Old Man Told Me This Joke.
"At my age, it's always something. The other day, my Dr. asked for a Urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample. So I gave him my underwear".
The Most Successful Marriages And The Very Worst Marriages End Exactly The Same Way...
...with one partner watching the other one die.
So A Friend And I
Are going to a cafe for brunch. She asked "Do you think I should get together with Josh? You are like an 8ball to me." I replied "What about me?"
I've Started Calling My Girlfriend Names Like Custard, Ice Cream, Pudding, Chocolate Cake, Or Apple Pie.
I'm planning to desert her.
When You're Done Reading This Joke Please Don't Show It To Any Virgins.
They won't get it for a long time.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
The Night's Watch Opens A Drinking Establishment To Attract New Brothers.
They call it the Crow Bar.
What Is The Difference Between A Priest And A Pedophile?
A pedophile does not get tax exemptions for raping young boys.
If You Throw A Party How Do You Know Mrs. Elephant Is In Her Period?
Your mattress is missing and, theirs a quarter on the dresser.
A Guy At The DIY Store Asked If I Wanted Decking...
...fortunately I managed to get the first punch in.
A Doctor Was Delivering A Young Woman's Baby.
After the delivery, he said "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Then he threw it across the room. He picked it up again and began to stab it with a scalpel. When the baby was bloodied up enough, he elbow-slammed it onto the floor before stomping on the infant until it was a mass of blood and innards. He looked up to the mother, who stared at him, terrified. Laughing, the doctor said "Just kidding! It was already dead!"
What Is Reddit's Favourite Country
M'laysia
(sorry, my friends and I are drunk and we think it's funny)
Did You Hear About The Chinese Couple Who Had An Albino Child?
It was a case of two Wongs making a white.
A Man Goes Swimming In The Ocean But Gets Sucked Out To Sea.
A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"
Diesel Fitter
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together. Asked for his occupation, Ole said "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The cleark looked up Panty Sticher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stichers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor" "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter!"
What Looks Like Plastic And Feels Like Rubber?
A guy is at a bar and he mutters to his friends "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber". His friend replies "what looks like plastic and feels like rubber?" He then hands the object to his friend. And his friend asks aloud "what looks like plastic and feels like rubber?". The first guy says: "a booger".
A Bigoted Lumberjack Controversially Said "All Trees Are Only Fit For Furniture."
He was accused of mahogany.
Never saw this before, does it make it OC
It Got Crowded In Headed
It got crowded in heaven, so St. Peter decided to accept only people who'd had a really bad day on the day they died. On the first morning of the new policy, Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "tell me about the day that you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair so I came home early from work to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find her lover anywhere. So finally I went out to the balcony, where I found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes and survived. So I went inside, picked up the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony. It crushed him, but the strain of hefting the fridge gave me a heart attack and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny this was an awful day and that it was a crime of passion; so he let the man enter heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
"Well, sir, it was terrible. I was doing aerobics on the balcony if my apartment when I skipped over the edge. I managed to grab the edge of the apartment below me but then some maniac came out and starts pounding my fingers with a hammer! I fell, but landed in some bushes and lives! But then this guy came out again and dropped a refrigerator on me! That did it!"
Saint Peter chuckled a bit, then let him into heaven. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man.
"Okay picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."
Edit: wow a typo in the title... Btw I got this from the book "Heidegger and a hippo walk through those pearly gates"
There Are Seven Ages Of Man:
Sixteen to twenty-five... twice daily.
Twenty-five to thirty-five... thrice weekly.
Thirty-five to forty-five... try weekly.
Forty-five to fifty-five... try weakly.
Fifty-five to sixty-five... try oysters.
Sixty-five to seventy-five... try anything.
Seventy-five and beyond... try to remember.
And just like the man, there are seven ages of woman:
Sixteen to twenty-five, like Africa: partly virgin, partly explored.
Twenty-five to thirty-five, like India: hot and mysterious.
Thirty-five to forty-five, like Europe: devastated but interesting in parts.
Forty-five to fifty-five, like America: efficient but unconscious.
Fifty-five to sixty-five, like Russia: everybody knows where it is but nobody really wants to go there.
Sixty-five to seventy-five, like the UN: it functions, but nobody is interested.
Seventy-five and beyond, like Atlantis: lost and forgotten.
A Kid Brings His Cat To School And His Teacher Asks Him Why
He says, well teacher before I left home I overheard my dad saying to my mom "When the kid leaves for school I'm gonna destroy your pussy".
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Sisters Maria Theresa And Mary Elizabeth Were Walking Down A Street
when they were grabbed by two men, dragged into an alley and raped. Twenty minutes later the nuns continued their stroll.
"What is Father going to say," said Sister Maria Theresa, "when we tell him we have been raped twice?"
"What do you mean, twice ?" asked her companion.
"Well, we are coming back this way, aren't we?"
A Man Boards A Plane.
An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"
The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
There Once Was A Man In The Eighteen Hundreds
who had no arms,no money and no home.Wanting to improve his quality of life he goes in seach of a job.He goes to the local butcher shop and asks for a job.The butcher says that he cant cut meat and he doesn't get the job.He then goes to the local pub asks for a joband gets the same responce.Fustrated and desperate he goes the church and prays for hours on end.The preast notices him and asks him what his troubles are.Upon hearing this question the man explodes in a fireball of yelling and crying.Pitying the poor soul the preast says that the church has a job opening on the bell at tower.The preist then goes to say that he could have it if he could ring the bell.Wanting the job horribly bad he says that he can.On the first day of work wanting to prove to himself that he can have a job without arms.He charges at the bell headfirst and rings it.He does so everyday and his head gets bigger and bruised but he's happy.A couple weeks into the job He loses his focus while ringing the bell and the bell comes back and hits and he falls of the tower.A crowd soon gathers around the man.one lady shouts out''does anybody know this man''A boy replies ''no but his face sure rings a bell
Two Statues In A Park
They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude. One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water. They face each other day in and day out. They are everything to one another.
One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies are real, as you should know) and decrees that they have been very good statues, on the official Fairies' Scale of Statue Goodness (ratings from 1 to Excellent) and have earned, between the two of them, one wish.
Of course the statues wish to be animated (but only for about an hour, since they do love being statues so much), and so the Statue Fairy grants their wish and flies back to Heaven where the Fairies live.
Instantly the guy statue grabs the girl statue and they go running off into the brush. The bushes start shaking... Twigs are snapping... Small animals go running... There is grunting, moaning, panting -
And the two come walking out of the undergrowth, hand in hand, sweat pouring down their faces.
"That was wonderful," the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the woman, "but it only took two minutes. What are we going to do for the other fifty-eight?"
"Let's do it again," the man shouts with glee.
"Okay," says the woman, "but this time you hold the pigeon, and I get to shit on its head."
You Have To Keep Changing Your Clocks For Daylight Savings
Aint nobody got time fo dat shit but apparently errybody got time fo dat shit.
A Man Is Preparing For A Golf Tournament...
When suddenly a leprechaun appears in front of him. The leprechaun says to the man, "Hey pal, I can make sure you win this afternoon, but there's a catch."
The man, not wanting to pass the opportunity, asks, "What's the catch?"
The Leprechaun responds, "The catch is that you have to not be romantically involved with anybody. That means no dates, no marriage, no kissing, no sex, nothing. You can't even think of a girl lustfully. If you break this deal, you'll have to become my slave for all of eternity."
The man agrees to this deal, and the Leprechaun goes on his merry way. Sure enough, the man wins the golf tournament later that day. The Leprechaun, realizing that he never got his client's name, returned later and asked, "Say, I forgot to ask, what's you're name?"
"Patrick," The man responds, " but most people just call me Father O'Reilly."
One In Ten
Tom and Anne, a bonafied redneck couple, have been together for many years and have produced 9 children.
One fine day they go to the doctors office for information about possibly getting Tom a vasectomy. The doctor comes into the room and asks Tom "Why wait til now? Why after 9 children do you want a vasectomy?"
Tom takes a deep breath and leans back, "Well, we saw tha other night on the tv that 1 in every 10 children born in America are Mexican, and, well, we don't want to risk our 10th kid comin out Mexican 'cuz neither of us speaks a lick of spanish."
Two 5th Graders Are Doing Math Homework.
One tells the other, "I don't know what 99 is in Roman numerals."
The other lowers her glasses and says, "IC."
An Obese Man Was Standing Naked In Front Of His Doctor
He said "Doc. I haven't seen my dick in 3 years". Doctor said "Then why don't you diet?" The fat man replied "What color is it now?"
What Does A White Supremacist Eat On Their Birthday?
........ A KKKake.
I'll just see myself out now.
I Never Get Drunk When I Drink A Certain Type Of Beer. It's Because I Eat Salt At The Same Time.
It keeps me cured of my ales.
Mary And John Are Both Living In A Big Apartment-house In New York City
One day they meet and instantly fall in love with each other, but they don't make any contact.
This goes on for six months until John just can't bear the tension any more and asks her to come to his apartment for a drink.
Hesitatingly she says yes and as soon as they reach his flat they close the door behind them and rush into the bedroom and throw themselves on the bed.
After a few minutes John explains with a hoarse voice, "Listen, I am very sorry, but if I had known that you were a virgin I would have taken more time."
Mary replies, "Well, if I had known that you had more time, I would have taken my pants off!"
So I Post A Link Showing Russian Agents Trying To Sell Nuclear Material To ISIS
Gets no up votes, dog and cat videos on front page of reddit.
Reddit.
An Attractive Woman From New York Was
driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback."
Did You Hear About The Unluckiest Man In The World?
He just lost the "unluckiest man in the world" contest.
Meanwhile In Italia...
Late on Friday afternoon the foreman tells Enrico that he is going to have to work late. So Enrico asks his friend, Gondolfo, to stop at the house and tell his wife, Lucia.
Gondolfo knocks on the door and Lucia opens it. ”Your old man is not coming home till late,” says Gondolfo. ”How about we go up-a the stairs and make-a screw?”
Lucia is shocked and tries to slam the door.
”I give-a you fifty bucks!” pleads Gondolfo.
”How dare you?” shrieks Lucia.
”A hundred then,” says Gondolfo.
”Well,” says Lucia, ”it would not be right.”
”Come on, two hundred dollars,” says Gondolfo, ”just for half an hour and Enrico will-a never know.”
Lucia takes the money and Gondolfo has the time of his life.
When Enrico gets home late, he asks his wife, ”Did my friend Gondolfo tell-a you I work-a late?”
”Yes,” replies Lucia, ”he stop-a here for a minute.”
”And I hope-a,” says Enrico, ”that he give-a you my wages, two hundred dollars.”
I Asked The Cashier For A Kitkat Chunky
She turned around and selected a kitkat chunky from the shelf and then handed it to me.
I replied: "I wanted a regular kitkat you fat bitch."
My Girlfriend Was Crying Because She Got A Bad Haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
Visiting Married Friends
Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.
”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”
”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think that Glenda would mind. Would you, Glenda? Go ahead and pinch her.”
Glenda leans over a chair and exposes her behind. Hamish looks at it... and just keeps looking.
Finally, after five minutes, he says, ”I just can’t do it.”
”Why not?” asks Sandy, ”have you not got the nerve?”
”It is not that,” says Hamish, ”I have not got the money.”
A Buddhist And A Dualist Are In A Bar
The Buddhist says to he dualist "I am one"
The dualist replies, "I am, too "
Last Week, My Girlfriend And I Were In Bed Kissing Passionately And Getting Sensual.
As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!"
She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man". She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her. We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique. I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings. She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added.... "Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows I am smarter than her.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Love
The famous Greek shipowner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece.
He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there, because directly under that tree is where I had my first love."
"How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," said the architect "Right under that tree?"
"Yes," continued Ori Oristotle. "And don't touch that tree over there either, because that is where her mother stood watching while I was having my first love affair."
"Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?" asked the architect.
"Yes," said the Greek shipowner.
"But, Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?"
"Baaa."
What's The Difference Between A BMW And A Porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Credit to Top Gear.
A Hippie Was Walking Along The Road ...
...when he saw a big rock by the side of the road, wobbling. Being a strong hippie, he picked up the rock to see what was underneath. To his surprise, out jumped a leprechaun!
"To be sure, I am grateful to ye, lad!" he cried. "And in return for your kindness I will grant you three magic wishes."
"Far out!" drawled the hippie. "Hey man, well, I wanna be uptight, outa sight and in the groove, baby!"
"Okay!" said the leprechaun, and turned him into a tampax.
Thefisherman
the fisher man who lived in glasgow had been unemployed for months. He heard they were hiring in Peterhead. He spent his last money getting there. When he arrived he went to harbour and asked the agent for a job. The agent agreed to hire him and told him to go into town and get a room for the night and come back in the morning when he would be allocated to a boat.Being skint the man said can I have a sub. The agent replied fuck off you,ll get a trawler like the rest of them.
Two Muffins Are Sitting In The Oven...
The first muffin turns to the second and says "Oh gee, it sure is hot in here!" The second muffin turns to the first and says "Holy SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!!"
Mahatma Gandhi Died And Went To Heaven
He was royally welcomed by St. Peter as a great saint and told that any request of his would be granted.
Gandhi said, "All my life I have been non-violent. Now I would like to live a life like Adolph Hitler."
St. Peter replied, "This is too horrible a wish to be granted -- but we will let you see Hitler in hell. That will give you an idea and you may drop your desire."
Gandhi was taken to hell where he saw Hitler surrounded by beautiful naked dancing girls and many bottles of wine.
"How can this be hell?" cried Gandhi "This is heaven!"
"Of course it is hell," said St. Peter. "The bottles all have holes and the women don't!"
There Is Great Excitement In The Cannibal Tribe ...
...when a white hunter and his beautiful girlfriend are brought into the village and tied up to a tree.
The cannibals boil up a huge pot of water and the man is thrown in, cooked, and served up for a great feast.
By dawn the next morning, another pot is boiling, and the cannibals untie the girl and lead her towards it. She is just about to be thrown in when a man comes running from the chief’s hut.
”Wait!” cries the man, ”Wait! The chief wants his breakfast in bed!”
Sweat Dreams
Two friends were talking.
One friend said, ”You will not be able to believe that last night in my dream I went fishing. My God, what a great fish, so huge. The whole night I was fishing and fishing and there was no end... greater and greater fish...!”
The other man said, ”This is nothing. What I saw last night you will certainly not believe. I saw that on one side Marilyn Monroe is lying naked and on the other side another beauty.”
As he asserted this the first man said, ”You idiot. You pretend to be my best friend. Why did you not call me?”
The man said, ”I did. I went running to your house, and your wife told me that you had gone fishing!”
So There Once Was This Wasp That Lived In A Jungle.
So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean's list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him. He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn't been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there's no punch line.
A Percentage Of My Inner Conscience Doesn't Like Racist Jokes.
Luckily that percentage is the minority so I can just ignore it.
A Gender Studies Major Gets Mugged
A gender studies major is walking through Central Park on her way back to campus, when a mugger jumps her. He takes her wallet and purse, but lets her keep her cellphone.
She immediately calls the police. "Was it a man or a woman?" the cop asks once he got there.
"I don't know," she says. "I didn't get to ask."
A Brick
Bernie Bernstein is in the urinal standing next to a very large black man. Looking over, Bernie is astonished and very jealous to notice the huge size of his neighbor’s equipment.
”Excuse me, mister,” he says, ”but could you tell me how you managed to get such a magnificent member?”
”Simple, man,” says the black guy. ”When I was a boy, my mamma tied a brick to it and for a whole month I walked around like that.”
Bernie runs home and tells Sara, his wife. ”Sara,” he shouts, ”cancel all visits and engagements. I’m not even going to work. I’m going to get myself a wonderful big prick!”
So Bernie ties a brick to his prick and does not go out of the house for a month.
Eventually, Sara says, ”So, let us take a look and see how it is growing.”
So Bernie opens his pants, takes a good look and says, ”Well, we are halfway there, it has turned black already!”
Two Jews At The Pearly Gates
Two Jews arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and ask Saint Peter if they can come in.
”Certainly not!” says Saint Peter, ”We don’t allow your sort in here. Get lost!”
He then goes to tell Jesus proudly what he has done. Jesus becomes furious.
”Peter!” he shouts, ”You can’t do that! Quick, go and get them back.” Saint Peter runs off and comes back a few minutes later, puffing.
”They have gone!” he says.
”Who? The Jews?” asks Jesus.
”No,” gasps Saint Peter, ”the pearly gates.”
Ever Notice Micro$oft Is Heavily Into Sex & Violence?
It's true. Micro$oft axed XP and Vista, is Threatening to Sever Seven, has 8 1 (ate one), WinBlows 10 and Fucks 9
What Joke Is A That Only Someone With Highly-specialized Knowledge Will Find Funny?
Submit the joke, let us know the expertise that is required to find this funny, then explain the joke as best you can.
A Woman Meets A Man At A Bar, And They Talk, And Conversation Turns To Sex, And She Says That She Likes Kinky Sex.[NSFW]
"Oh!, I like kinky sex too", says he. So they decide to go to her flat and have sex. They arrive at her flat and she asks to be excused. She goes to her room and dresses up in black leather, high heels, all the set. She chooses a whip, several accessories, and returns to the living room, where she finds the man at the door, about to leave. "Hey!", she says. "What about the kinky sex?". "Well" he says. "I already fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm good." And he leaves.
The Most Diverse Software Company In The World Consists Of
100% black lesbian single mothers missing a body part, with arts degrees
I Was At The Gas Station With The Candy Bars Behind The Counter And I Said "I'll Take A Kit Kat Chunky"
When she handed me the bar I said "No I wanted a regular Kit Kat you fat bitch"
After Christmas
My mama was so cheap, she waited 'til after Christmas. 'Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.' She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
How Many Animals Can You Fit In A Pair Of Pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find
My Fat Friend, Who Always Says I'm Cheating When I Roll So Much As A 16, Just Rolled A Perfect 20.
Ugh, I fucking hate hippo-crits.
I Think Everybody Needs To Give David Cameron A Break
It seems like he had a crackling time at University
A Woman In Hot Air Balloon Realized She Is Lost...
She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude.
Lady: Oh, You must be an engineer.
Man: Yes! How did you know?
Lady: Everything you told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is, I'm still lost.
Engineer: I see, then you must be in Upper Management.
Lady: Yes! How did you know?
Engineer: You don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems..!!
Prom Night
So it's mid May and this guy is really behind on getting ready for prom. The deadline is approaching and he knows he must ask his dream girl. He knows that she won't just say yes to a normal proposal, so he goes to the store to get supplies to make it special. However, when he gets there, there is a huge line. He waits and finally gets the supplies and asks the girl and she says yes. Now he has a date, but he has no tux. So he goes to the tux store and there is a huge line. He waits and he gets the perfect tux. Its the day of prom and he realizes he never bought his date a corsage. He goes to the flower store and there's a huge line. He finally gets it and shows up to prom and everything is perfect. They dance for a bit and she asks him to get her a drink. He walks over and there's no punch line!
The Young Nun
A young nun was assigned by the Mother Superior to help old Father O'Malley with his Sunday night bath. The next morning, the older nun asked the young girl if she had had any difficulties.
"Oh no," the nun smiled. "As a matter of fact, I attained eternal salvation."
The Mother was puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Well, Father O'Malley took my hand and put it between his legs. He told me that right there was the key to heaven. Then a miracle happened. The key to heaven grew in my hand. Father O'Malley said that if the key to heaven fit in my lock, I'd be saved forever. And it fit ! Although it was a little snug."
"That lying snake !" The Mother Superior spat bitterly. "That bastard! He told me that his "Key to heaven" was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 15 years."
Honey, I Really Like Those Shoes.
This guy is walking down main street with his wife and his wife says, honey, I really like those shoes on display, guy grabs a brick and smashes the window and gets her the shoes. They keep walking and she sees a coat on display. Says she likes it and he grabs a brick to smash through the window and gets her the coat. They keep walking and she says, honey I really like that jewelry on display and he finally tells her. "What, you think bricks grow on trees?!"
Today, My Teacher Stated That He Used To Work For NASA.
He told that class that he became a teacher because it paid more.
Dumb Story
Q: There are 500 bricks on a pane. One falls off. How many are left?
A 499
Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A: Open fridge, Put elephant in close fridge.
Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A: Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
A: Giraffe. He’s stuck in a refrigerator
Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators are all at the birthday party.
Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flaying brick.
Course Of Pills
Wu, the Chinaman has a bad case of constipation. He goes to his doctor who prescribes a course of pills and asks Wu to come back and see him next week.
Wu takes the pills and duly shows up at the doctor’s office the next week.
”Did you move yet?” asked the doctor.
”No move yet.” replies Wu.
So the doctor prescribes a stronger dose.
Wu comes back the following week and the doctor asks, ”Did you move yet?”
”No move yet,” replies Wu.
So the doctor gives him a huge dose of pills and a box of suppositories.
Next week Wu comes back and the doctor asks, ”Did you move yet?”
”Yes,” replies Wu. ”Had to move. House full of shit!”
How Did The Teacher Solve The Integral Of Dx/(x^2((x^2)-4)^1/2)?
I guess he had a few trig sub his sleeve
Husband (watching A Video) ...
Husband (watching a video):Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
What's The Difference Between A Dirty Bus Stop And A Lobster With Breast Implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean
Getting Laid As A Shy Guy Is So Hard.
Their masks scare everyone off so they're always stuck with dry bones.
Race
Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing.
However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race.
To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: ”Priest’s Ass Shows.”
Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: ”Priest’s Ass Out Front.”
The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: ”Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass.”
This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: ”Nun Has Best Ass in Town.”
The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars.
The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: ”Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.”
My Ex Girlfriend Wasn't Able To Handle My OCD
I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Did You Know That The 16th Presidency Had The Best Records Kept?
I think they were called the Lincoln Logs.
The Camera Man
A wedding photographer comes into the men's bathroom and walks over to the urinal. He's not quite sure where to put his camera and starts looking around the bathroom for a good place to lay it down. Another wedding guest at the sink notices this and politely asks "Do you want me to hold it for you?" The photographer unzips his fly, pulls his penis out and says "Yeah, that would be great actually".
Saturday, September 24, 2016
A Frenchman, A Jew And A Polack
A Frenchman, a Jew and a Polack are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
”A woman,” asks the Frenchman.
”A telephone,” says the Jew.
”A cigarette,” says the Polack.
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The Polack walks out and says, ”Has anyone got a match?”
A Blonde Walks Into A Store To Buy A TV.
A blonde walks into a store to buy a TV. "I'll take that one." she says to an employee while eyeing the one she wants. "Sorry," said the employee, "We don't sell to blondes." Enraged, she stomps out of the store. She comes back while wearing a brunette wig and a different outfit. "I'll take that one." she says to the same guy. He replies with the same answer. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde leaves the store again and comes back, dressed up as a redhead. "I'll take that one." She says one last time. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. Finally, she asks the employee why he keeps on knowing that she's a blonde. The man replies, "Because thats not a TV, that's a microwave."
A Girl Gets Sent To The Principles Office
He asks her "why did you get sent here?" She replies "threw flower out the window" He says "is that it?, go back to class" After a couple of minutes a bruised and beat up girl came to the office. "What happened!!" the principle says The girl replies "my name is Flower"
A Boys Confusion
A priest and an alter boy are in a confession box.
They boy confesses he's has some confusion about his sexuality he's been having thoughts about men
The priest nods his head up and down as the boy continues
The boy asks the priest what should I do
The priest pulls up the boys pants and says become a priest
"Guess My Nationality" The Old Man Said
Deducing from the man's accent that he was Briish, the other man said so.
"You're correct, but where's the t?" asked the man.
"In the harbor"
LPT: How To Tie An Extremely Difficult Knot
Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time.
Fuck My Neighbours
They let me groom their dog, but threatened to call the police when I offered to do the same to their 6 year old son.
Today I Went To Church..
..and when the guy in front of me started smoking I was so shocked that I dropped my beer.
Did You Hear About The Chronic Masturbator That Was Slightly Under The Weather?
He's not feeling himself today.
I've Been Asked To Take Care Of The Neighbour's Cat.
They aren't on holiday - they're just really lazy.
Quasimodo Is Walking Through The Forest On His Way To A Competition...
Ok so this is a joke you need to tell around a group of friends. For the purpose of the joke one of your friends is named John...
The joke:
Quasimodo is walking through the enchanted forest on his way to the castle to take part in an "Ugly Contest". On his way he bumps into Grumpy from the Seven Dwarfs.
"Grumpy, how you doing? where you goin?"
"I'm good mate, on my way to the castle for the Annual Midget Contest, you?"
"No way, me too, but for the Annual Ugly Contest, good to have some company lets go"
So they are making their way through the forest and bump into Sleeping Beauty. Turns out she is going to the castle as well for the Annual Beauty Contest.
So hand in hand they pick up the pace and wish each other luck as they enter the castle and go to their relevant halls.
First out of the castle came Sleeping Beauty, with tears of joy " I can't believe! It's true! I am the most beautiful girl in the world"
Second came Grumpy, "I cant FOOKIN believe my luck! I'm the shortest human in the world!"
Finally, Quasimodo storms out of the castle running past both Sleeping Beauty and Grumpy screaming and shouting swear words that one can only imagine were created in the dark mind of the ugliest human in the world. Just before he dissapeared around the corner, he stopped and turned around to the other two companions and with tears in his eyes screamed...
"WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN!!!!!"
Why Do Sumo Wrestlers Shave Their Legs?
So people can tell the difference between them and feminist?
The Long Haul
an airplane is shipping a large amount of bricks, when suddenly the pilot yells over the intercom "the plane is going down we need to lower the weight" what do you do?
throw out one brick
how do you fit an elephant in a freezer?
open the door, let him in, shut the door.
how do you fit a giraffe in a freezer?
open the door, take out the elephant, let the giraffe in, shut the door.
the king of the jungle is holding a party and all the animals show up except one, who is it?
the giraffe
a woman is trying to cross a deadly river filled with deadly crocodiles, but survives. how?
all the crocodiles are at the party.
but then she suddenly dies. why?
she got hit by the brick......
Stitched Up By My Son.
I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr.
"Hi Dad, for Christmas I'm going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second."
He's been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it.
"0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car like that ?", I replied.
"Car ?", he said. "It's not a car, it's a set of bathroom scales."
Little bugger...
Friday, September 23, 2016
A Man Taking A Walk Along A Pier...
... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.
He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?
"Well," She answers, through her sobbing "I had a terrible accident that's left me like this, and now nobody wants to be near me anymore. I've never even been properly kissed."
The man thinks this over a few moments before he cups her cheek, lifting her head up a moment and gives her the most tender kiss he's ever given another person. "Now you have..." he tells her.
This makes her smile for a moment, but when he gets up again she starts crying once more, this time even louder. He turns back and asks her what's wrong this time.
"I thank you for the kiss... it was lovely." she explains "But it just makes me realize that I've also never been fucked."
He thinks this through for a few moments again before he leans over, grabbing her firmly around the waist and with one big heave tosses her right over the edge of the pier.
"Now you are."
Nigga U Tryna Fuk Up On Sum Dis?
I shall (on top of everything else) torture all 13 of my slaves that I have wateing for me in Paradice. Some I shall tie over ant hills and watch them scream + twich and squirm. Others shall have pine splinters driven under their nails + then burned. Others shall be placed in cages + fed salt beef untill they are gorged then I shall listen to their pleass for water and I shall laugh at them. Others will hang by their thumbs + burn in the sun then I will rub them down with deep heat to warm them up. Others I shall skin them alive + let them run around screaming. And all billiard players I shall have them play in a darkened dungen cell with crooked cues + Twisted Shoes. Yes I shall have great fun inflicting the most delicious of pain to my slaves
Lost My Watch At A Party Once.
After a few hours i walked into the bathroom and saw some guy, stepping on my watch while sexually harassing a girl. I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
An Old Man Is Spending His First Day Inside A Nursing Home.
He wakes up with a rock hard erection and immediately a beautiful busty blonde nurse walks in, gives him a sponge bath and sucks him off. When she leaves he calls his son and tells him he loves it, this is the greatest place ever and that he's going to get some breakfast. As he's walking out the door he trips and falls on his face. From behind a big muscled male nurse starts pulling his pants down and trying to have his way with the old man. After a few minutes of struggling the old man slips away and runs to his room with his back against the wall. He calls his son and tells him how much he hates the place and wants to go home now. When his son asks him why such a quick attitude change he says "well here's the deal, very seldom do I wake up with an erection but I fall down all the fucking time!"
Why Do Women Have Periods?
They drink men's blood all month and it's overflowing when they are full.
Error. Not Long Enough
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
So A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
I Asked My Ethics Teacher If
god is a stoner because he made weed, she said 'i can see where you going with but i dont think so'
so, i went home and asked god 'are you a stoner?' and i herd a voice saying 'what do you think'. i went down stairs to have some snacks and my sister came up to me and said 'you need to stop smoking weed'
Punchline Request: What Is The Most Mysterious Cheese?
I'm going to a cheese and wine party tonight and the host has requested I bring a "mystery cheese". I'm hoping there's a puntastic cheese out there somewhere that may fit the bill!
We're Sorry Micky Mouse, But Your Wife Being Crazy Is Not Reasonable Grounds For A Divorce!
I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!
A Man Walks Into A Zoo...
...and sees there was only one animal in it.
It was a Shitzu. ba-dumtsssss
Bringing Your Cat To School
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Compliment Of A HOT Secretary...
Secretary to her Boss: I want to complain of an employee here in our office. Boss: What happened? Secretary: Whenever we cross each other, he says that my hair smell too good. Boss: That’s just a compliment. Secretary: It’s not, he is a midget.
Pimp My Ride
I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.
Should look cool on my black jeep.
101 Sailors Go Out To Sea...
...and 50 couples come back up. Everyone except Greg because Greg is a dirty bastard.
I Went To The Doctor And He Said "don't Eat Anything Fatty."
I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"
To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
The Rubber Crosslink Structure
Through the branched chain link between rubber macromolecule chain into a three-dimensional space net type macromolecule, forming crosslink structure. Crosslinking key type and crosslink density is the most important parameters in the crosslinking structure, respectively has the structure of crosslinked key and junction in what density distribution between the molecular chain of rubber.Crosslinked rubber after various physical properties have larger change, which is the most significant performance affected by crosslinking density modulus and the hardness, because of the crosslinking of chain and chain sliding between the junction between the inhibition of polymer chain, modulus and hardness increased with the increase of crosslinking density increased;Crosslinking density and tensile strength and tear strength relationship is relatively complex, the scope of a certain degree of crosslinking, with a peak performance.Greatly influenced by crosslinking key type of fatigue resistance and heat oxygen aging performance.Due to the effect of fracture rearrangement of the sulfur exist many keys, contains a lot of sulfur vulcanized rubber network key fatigue resistance performance is good, and the key to higher carbon carbon to improve heat vulcanized rubber crosslinking key oxygen aging performance.
silane crosslinker AC-510 (source:http://www.ac-chem.net/news/the-rubber-crosslink-structure-8ab5.html)
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Having Trouble Making Friends?
Just tell a girl you love her and her first reaction is to say lets just be friends.
Clocks
A man does and goes to heaven, as he aproaches the pearly gates he sees St. Peter and a wall behind him.
"St Peter, mind my questioning, but why are there clocks?"
St Peter smiled and motioned for the man to follow him. As they got to the end of the wall they saw two labeled "Mother Teresa" and "Abraham Lincoln". "These display how many times each of these people have lied. As you can see, it is still midnight on Mother Theresa's clock. She has never lied. Its also 12:02 on Abraham Lincoln clock. He's only lied twice."
The man pondered over this amazing idea and asked St Peter "Where's Obama's clock?"
St Peter sighed and simply stated "Its in Jesus' office. Its being used as a celing fan."
[Game Of Thrones Spoiler ALL BOOKS Fan Theory] Benjen, Bran, Daario, Euron, Syrio, Jaqen, And Coldhands Walk Into A Restaurant..
and say: "Table for one, please."
The Teacher Asked Jimmy
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
What's The Difference Between A Take-out Dinner And A Make-out Session?
How can you take something out you've never put in?
Volkswagen Emissions Test.
You know guys, this whole deal with the Volkswagen emissions test just goes to show that the Germans will do anything to gas you.
I will enjoy my trip to hell.
A Nun Goes To Confession....
A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years ".
The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".
Did You Know?
Did you know that during the early 19th century the concept of secretarial work was virtually unheard of? It wasn't until the mid to late 1800's that the idea of secretaries was brought to America, and it came with the Chinese immigrant boom. In fact, it was one family who popularized secretarial work in the United States, the famous Fi Ling family.
A Guy At A Bar Throws Up On His Shirt....
So he says to the bartender' " oh boy my wife is going to kill me". The bartender replies, "stick $10 in the top pocket tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you $10 to clean the shirt".
The man goes home and hands his wife the shirt and says,"honey some guy threw up on me at the bar but he gave me $10 to clean the shirt".
The wife replies, "But there's $20 in this pocket".
Husband replies "oh yeah I forgot he also shit in my pants".
I Feel That Jokes About Basements Are Beneath Me...
...but I won't tell you a joke about roofs because it'll go over your head.
The Barbershop
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."
The Shop Assistant
The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"
John Went To The Doctor Saying That He Cannot Stop Thinking And Hear About Skittles
he was going crazy and paranoid. The doctor diagnosed him with Skittlophrenia.
Nymphomaniacs Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business."
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?" "
"Well", she explained,
"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Spanish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said,
"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."
"Tonto," the man said ,
"Tonto Gonzalez, but my friends call me Bubba."
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
For All The Fathers
A guy just had his first child so he sat down and told his father, his father was pleased and said "OK, its time i give this to you" he gives him a book with the title 1001 dad jokes. the son said "i am honored" and the father said "hi honored i am dad"
A Young Boy Asks His Father What A Vagina Looks Like.
A young boy asks his father what a vagina looks like. The dad says "Well, before sex it's looks like a beutiful, unopened, pink rose." The kid says "oh, ok. well, what about after sex?" The father thinks hard for a minute and says "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?
So A Punk Rocker, A Skinhead, And A Hippie Walk Into A Bar.
They all order a shot of whiskey in a dirty glass.
3 flies land in the whiskey, one in each glass.
The hippie takes the fly out blows on its wings then lets it fly away out the window.
The punk rocker drinks the whiskey in spite of the fly and slams the shot glass down breaking it.
The skinhead grabs the fly by the wings and screams "Spit it out motherfucker!"
Did You Know That Vanilla Ice Is Now Working As A Computer Literacy Instructor?
He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.
Who Is The Best Player On The Texans
Who is the best player on the Texans?
Watt
WHO IS THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEXANS?
Watt
WHO IS THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEXANS?
This Guy Went To The Doctor And Said, Doc, I Dont Know Whats Wrong With Me, But Every Time I Fart, It Sounds Like ...pbffbbpppfffHONDA.
"That's a new one. Can I hear you fart?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure....pbffbbpppfffHONDA”. The doctor can't figure it out. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists who run all sorts of tests and they still can't figure out why this guy farts "pbffbbpppfffHONDA”. One, day, at the golf course, he's explaining the problem to a dentist he knows. The dentist says, "I'll take a look, send him over."
So the guy goes to the dentist, and the first thing the dentist does is look at his teeth. He shouts “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.” The patient says “What is it? What is it?" The dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”
The guy says “Yeah, so...What has that got to do with my farts?”
The dentist replies, "It's simple...
"ABSCESS MAKES THE FARTS GO HONDA”
Person: What Do You Think You're Going To Be Doing In 5 Years?
Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision
What's The Difference Between Tuna, A Piano, And A Pot Of Glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
Two Charles Dickens Bar Drinks
Charles Dickens Martini- olive or twist Charles Dickens Cider- usually a little tart
A Little Advice To All Of You Out There
Any time you're gonna start getting frisky with a lady, double check with her whether it's that week. One time I was getting hot and heavy with a lovely woman, it was dark, it was wet, and it just slipped my mind. Well! When I finally realized it was her time of the month, boy was my face red.
What's The Difference Between A Bag Of Cocaine And A Four-year Old Child?
Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out of a 49th-story window!
Louis FarraKhan And Jeffery Dalmer Walk Into A Bar...
ehhhh I got nothin.. just thought that would be a hilarious start to a joke.
I Love Puppies And Kittens And Little Cute Hamsters
But not all together. I don't like my food touching.
Told My Doctor I Wanted Him To Check My Prostate Without Lube
He put both his hands on my shoulders and went to town
Ginger Baby
A mother has just given birth and the doctors take it away. A few minutes later the doctor returns and says: -'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' -'The bad news' asks the mother worried. -'Well the baby is ginger..' -'Okay, what's the good news?' She asks. -'HE'S DEAD!'
A Nurse Notices That A Doctor Is Walking Around With A Rectal Thermometer Behind His Ear. Embarrassed, She Pulls Him Aside To Discreetly Inform Him...
"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Australia Beat England In Their Matchup In The Rugby World Cup.
I guess you could say the prisoners beat the guards.
The Matador's Special
A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.
The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. When the waiter comes to his table, the man asks about the dish. "Oh Senor, that is the Matador Special," replies the waiter in broken English, "Our very best dish! Fresh vegetables, beans and zee cojones from zee bull. We get the cojones immediately after the bull fight. Exquisito!"
"Okay, that's what I'll have," says the businessman.
"But I am very sorry Senor, but that dish is only available once per day."
Disappointed, the man chooses another dish and plans to order the Matador Special the next day.
The next day the man goes to the bull fight again, and afterwards stops into the restaurant. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to a customer who got there before him. "Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."
So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and arrives at the restaurant early. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"
"An excellent choice, Senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small, and taste rather foul.
"What's with this," the now angry man shouts, "I thought this was your premier dish!"
"I'm very sorry, Senor," said the waiter, "But you see, sometimes zee bull, he wins."
At Trial, A Volkswagen Engineer Is Called To The Stand To Explain Why They Participated In The 'clean Diesel' Debacle. He Claims He Is Not Guilty.
He said he was just following...odors.
While Seen My X-ray, My Doctor Said....
You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"
But this one just say "You're screwed"
So The Pope Gets A Dog...
So the Pope is lonely and decides to get a dog (let's say this is one of those previous Popes that people don't like that much). Anyway, he gets a real nice, loyal dog- call it a German shepherd. Then one day a giant hole appears in the earth and Satan himself comes out. He's like 100 feet tall and stomping around like Godzilla, just absolutely crushing shit and laughing about it. The Pope hears about this and decides he has to go and try to stop Satan. Obviously, he takes the dog along.
So the Pope gets to Satan and is all, "Hey-a you Satan! You-a betta stop a-stompin' around! In-a the name-a Jesus! You go-a right back-a to Hell!"
Satan just laughs. He lifts up his giant devil-foot and smushes the Pope. The dog tries to jump in the way to protect him, but obviously he gets smushed too, poor pooch.
Anyway, as everyone knows, the rule is that if Satan kills the Pope, then a magic portal to Heaven opens up and Satan is supposed to be able to climb through it and run a-muck in Heaven. So, Satan's all stoked cause now he gets to go do that, but right as he's about to climb through the portal, God shows up and is like, "Ah-ah-ah nooo I don't think so Satan!"
Then Satan's like, "WTF God?! Rule says I get to come in there and tear shit up!"
But then God's like, "Oh Hellllll no! Ain't no way you settin' foot in here with that dog-pope on your feet!"
If Chewbacca And Snooki Got Married And Opened A Bakery For AAA Baseball Players And Lonesharks Skipping Class...
They would call it "Chewy's Wookie-Nookie, Snooki's Cookies for Rookies and Bookies playing Hooky."
Why Are Black People So Good At Basketball?
Because they are good at running, shooting, and stealing!
What's The Difference Between A Fridge And A Woman?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
after ordering his drink, he takes out his wallet to pay to the bartender. the bartender notices that there is a woman's photo in the wallet. Guessing that she is the customer's wife, he tells him that it is so kind that you keep your wife's picture close to you, you must love her a lot. The man replies, "Yes, she makes me forget all my problems; Whenever I am surrounded by big problems, I look at her photo and remind myself that she is the biggest problem I could ever have, and all my stress goes away."
As I've Gotten Older, I've Realized The World Can Be Seen Through A Million Perspectives.
Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.
When I Was A Little Kid, I Had This Friend That Was Always Counting.
I wonder what he's up to these days.
Do You Know Why They Call It A Raspberry Pi 2?
Because when you see it you'll turn 2 pi radians and walk away.
Jesus Can Walk On Water
so Jesus may be able to walk on water but who cares! Stephen hawking's runs on battery's
A Texas Man Is On Vacation In Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
Monday, September 19, 2016
SAMPLES
An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The man can’t hear the request and turns to his wife to ask what the doctor said. The wife replies, "Honey, he wants your underwear."
I Told My Room Mate That I Feel Like I'm Playing Life On Hard Mode
"No" he replied "you just picked a shit character"
A Guy Walks Down An American Street.
He sees a policeman and wave. Later the same day the police explain to the press: ''It was self-defence, he had a gun in his hand somewhere''
A Girl Realized That She Had Grown Hair Between Her Legs...
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
I Saw A Chameleon Today...
...guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon.
I submitted this joke a few years ago, I'm reposting myself (which was originally also a repost)
Nicolas Cage's Agent
After a difficult day on the set Nicolas Cage returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?" "Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground." The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief, "My agent came to my house?"
1.How Does A Elephant Hide In The Jungle? 2.What Is The Loudest Sound In The Jungle?
1.Paints its balls red and climbs up a apple tree. 2.Tarzan picking apples.
Panic At The Hotel
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
I'm Going To Make A Porno About An Asian Disabled Man Who Does What Needs To Be Done Under Great Amounts Of Pressure
I'll call it "Cumming in Crutch"
Stumbling Drunk
A drunk stumbling down the street walks up to this cop and says, “Man, somebody stole my car.”
Cop says, “Well, where was it last?”
Man says, “Right here on the end of this key.”
Cop says,“I dunno man. Why don’t you head to the precinct house and report it there. They’ll get you filled out with all the right forms and papers.”
Guy says, “Okay,” starts to walk off.
Then the cop says, “Before you go downtown you’re gonna want to zip up your fly.”
Guy looks down and goes, “Oh man, they got my girl, too.”
Townes Van Zandt tells it at "Live at the Old Quarter in Houston, Texas" at the beginning of the live edition of "Mr. Mudd & Mr. Gold."
I Took A Shortcut Via The Railway Line...
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A Doctors Consultation With The Wife Of A Sick Husband.
The doctor told the wife "It's sort of a desperate situation mam, your husband will need three home cooked meals a day, back massages and sex whenever he desires to keep him alive."
The wife says "I understand doctor, thank you for your diagnosis."
The wife goes to the bedside of her husband. The husband asks "What did the doctor say?"
The wife replied "I'm sorry honey, you are going to die."
Knock,Knock Joke
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Matthew McConaughey's Car Can't Make Left Turns.
This is very dangerous. He should get that repaired
Sunday, September 18, 2016
I Got Tired Of Wearing My Watch On My Wrist..
So I tried attaching it to my belt instead.. man, that was a real waist of time.
Culturally No One In Alaska Dates In The Winter.
When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."
Let's Make A Holiday Called "other Day", Where You Help Other People In Need.
That way you only have to help people once a year, but can still say "I like to do charity work every other day."
My Brother Lost His Left Arm And Left Leg In A Car Accident Today...
Actually, he's my half brother. He's all right now.
ObamaCare Explained By A Chicago Plumber To Obama Himself
Chicago Plumber
Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it. Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago, where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year. Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair, that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500." "What?! $9,500?!" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!" Troy says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it." In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return. Troy goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, "Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000." Obama quickly fires back, "What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Troy explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their 'fair share'. On the other hand, why didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all this would have been covered by your policy." "You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?" asks Obama. "Well, not exactly," replies Troy. "You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free." "WHAT?!" exclaims Obama. "Why so much for a puny sink leak?!" With a bland look, Troy replies, "Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don't think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'! Only people who don't make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your 'Fair Share' instead of GIVING it." "But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!" exclaims the exasperated Obama. After a sigh, Troy replies, "Congress ... because they didn't read it." This will help you understand Obamacare .... And here you have it, the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'.
How Daylight Savings Time Came To Pass -or- The Origin Of Seasonal Depression
Back in the days before time, the townspeople were concerned with what they called, The Dying of the Light. It seemed that each passing day, night absorbed more of the light, and the days grew progressively colder. Fearful that the Nightman was punishing them, they congregated in the town square to seek the wisdom of the elders.
“Hey guys, didja notice that it seems each passing day, night absorbs more of the light, and the days grow progressively colder?”
“Yeah! We really should do something about that.”
“I’m fearful that the Nightman is punishing us, we should congregate in the town square to seek the wisdom of the elders!”
Soon, all the townspeople joined those other three guys in the square. The crowd was overcome with panic as the Eldest Elder approached the proscenium. (The square had a really awesome stage.)
He exclaimed, “Do not fear The Dying of the Light, my people, for I am Dayman, Fighter of the Nightman, Champion of the Sun. I have found a solution! We will set our clocks back one hour and your fears will be allayed.”
The crowd hushed as confusion set in.
“What the Hell is a clock?” cried Townsperson #3. “And what the Hell is an hour?” shouted Townsperson #1 (smugly, considering his status as Townsperson #1).
The Eldest Elder continued, “So where it was once 7 o’clock, it will now be 8 o’clock. Thus giving us an additional hour of daylight- so we can continue to wash our underwear in the same river from which we bath and drink.”
“What the Hell in an o’clock?” muttered a muddled, unnumbered, townsperson. (Numbering of townspeople was completely arbitrary in those days.)
At this point, Elders Arizona and Indiana looked at each other; knowing the Eldest Elder was incorrect, they shook their heads and retreated behind the curtain- never to be seen again. (Legend has it these elders left for a place the Nightman did not follow.)
The rumblings dissipated as the townspeople grappled with understanding the implications of this new system. Although something seemed amiss, they did not question the authority and superior judgment of the Eldest Elder. After all, he was Dayman, Fighter of the Nightman, Champion of the Sun. And he had tenure so there was nothing they could do about it anyhow.
Surprisingly, in the days to come, despite the Eldest Elder’s bold proclamation, it was found that the Dying of the Light increased dramatically. Fearing the wrath of the Nightman, the townspeople did not speak up, for his power was undeniable and they would not encourage his wrath any further. Instead, before night fell over the town, they worked with great urgency to wash their underwear in the same river from which they bathed and drank.
And thus the tradition of Daylight Savings Time was begun.
…Some time later, a young boy sat on the Eldest Elder’s lap and asked, “Where do girls come from?” The elder looked upon the boy, gulped back the dregs of his sixth brew, burped into his beard, and then muttered something about tearing out a man's rib. But that is another story…
A Girl Just Messaged Me "helpmyspacebarisntworkingcouldyoupleaseguvemeanalternative?"
Does anybody know what ternative means?
The Man With No Arms.
there once was a man with no arms and his life dream was to ring bells.so one day he went down to his local church to talk to the priest,and they agreed that every Sunday he would climb the bell tower and ring the bell right before church.so comes next Sunday the man goes to the church and climbs the bell tower only to realize he has no arms...he ponders for a few minutes finally comes up with an idea.he takes a few steps back,puts his head down and runs forward hitting the bell with his face.not a split second later the bell comes back and hits the man off the bell tower killing him.after the church people heard the thump they come out and gather around him.No one could figure out who he was.eventually a man stepped out of the crowed claiming to know who he was he couldn't put his finger on it but his face rung a bell.
Augustus Was Touring His Empire And Noticed A Man In The Crowd Who Bore A Striking Resemblance To Himself.
Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' 'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.' (Credited to the Emperor Augustus 63 BC - 14 AD)
A Miser Writes His Will
and names himself as the heir.
This is actually one of the oldest known jokes.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/57470/11-jokes-worlds-oldest-jokebook
A Group Of Naturalists Found Hundreds Of Dead Crows Near Highways. They Began Investigating.
They brought an Ornithologist in, who discovered that 90% had been killed by trucks. After some study, they figured out that it was because the crows could say "Caw!" but not "Truck!"
edit: front page!
Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Cabbage, Potatoes, Cheese, Beetroot, Onions, Bread, Butter.
Schindler's mom's list.
A Guys Walks Into A Bar
Sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there he pulls out a small religious pamphlet and begins reading. He gets through the first chapter and stops and puts it away. The bartender looks at him curiously and asks "Whatcha reading?. The man looks back up and says "Oh its about converting to Mormonism. I want to become a member but I know it'll be hard so I'm gonna tackle one thing at a time per week. So this week I'll stop cursing."
"That's a good goal hope it works out" the bartender replies then leaves him alone.
Next week the guy comes in again, orders a drink, and begins reading. "What is it this week?" The bartender asks. "Well this week its abstinence until marriage. Wont even look at dirty pictures or videos." The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
A week later the guy comes in again, opens his pamphlet reads another chapter. "Give me a coke." "Gotta give up beer?" The bartender asks curiously. "Yep. Tobacco too." "Well there you go." The guy drinks the coke and leaves.
Another week goes by, the bartender looks to the door and see's the man walk in. He stomps in, slams the bar door shut and sits down. "Give me a fucking beer. No make it rum. I need a fucking drink. Also a cigar." He says angrily. "Also where's the nearest strip joint. I need to clear my head." The bartender gets him the rum, cigar, and address and sets it in front of him. "I thought you were becoming Mormon?" The bartender ask. "I am dammit!" He says angrily. "Then what happened?" "I fucking lost my place in the book and had to start over!"
Dildo
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
A Man Goes To A Psychotherapist Because Of A Dream He Has Been Having.
"One minute I'm a wigwam and the next I'm a tepee, back and forth all night.'
To which the doctor replies, " You need to relax; you're two tents."
Boudreaux Gets A Construction Job
A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is
99." The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of DA trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Coonass, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'hundred. So when I start?"
Shawty Dropped To The Ground Like She Ain't Got Manners
There was too much lights for an epileptic girl to handle
A New Study Has Found That Donald Trump Supporters Make The Most Grammatical Errors.
They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
What Do Broccoli And Sex Have In Common? NSFW
If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
Worst Engagement Ring For A Blonde
A well-off man is preparing to propose to his beautiful blonde girlfriend of 2 years. He knows how much she loves chocolates and jewelry, so he thought he would get her a chocolate diamond engagement ring. The night of the proposal he takes her to a fancy restaurant and has the ring arrive with her chocolate raspberry truffle, and when she sees the ring, she beams with delight. The young man tells her it's a chocolate diamond, and so it only seemed right to the girl that she should try it...so she swallowed the ring right before him as he looked on puzzled and then shocked. The girl says, "That was the worst chocolate diamond ever! I wish you just got me a white diamond ring like all the other girls get on their engagement, at least it would last longer!"
What's The Difference Between Driving A Volvo And Putting Your Hand Down The Front Of Donald Trumps Trousers?
You feel a bigger dick driving a Volvo
Bill Clinton Steps Off Of A Helicopter On The Whitehouse Lawn, Carrying Two Pigs.
A marine is there to greet him and says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton replies, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine says, "Nice trade, sir!"
A Priest And A Lawyer
A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.
Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.
"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new homes" says the angel.
The priest and the lawyer oblige and climb aboard. As they travel they see roads of gold and jewels. Houses large and small. Finally they approach the first house. It is large and beautiful, crowned with jewels, a pool and beautiful women. The priest thinks "WOW, this is beautiful, surely all my years serving God is finally being rewarded". The angel depards the carriage and say "okay lawyer this is yours"
The lawyer is exstatic, jumps out of the carriage and runs in joy to his new home.
This priest think "wow if this is what he gets then i am surely graced"
They pull away and as they travel the priest notices things aren't so nice, the roads barely look paved, the houses are run down and the sky becomes cloudy and dull. They pull up to a shack and the angel gets out and says "this is yours" the priest looks confused and ask the angel "but how could this be? I have served God all my life, ive never experienced the touch of a woman, or the taste if alcohol. Why would i get this shack but the lawyer gets that!"
The angel giggles a little and say "we have many preists in heaven. But that is the first lawyer to ever make it here!"