He obviously has no idea what he's talking about. I keep giving gold and getting downvotes.
Needless to say, I'll be putting all my money into reposts
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Sunday, April 30, 2017
What Does Egyptian Airport Security Have In Common With Los Angeles Airport Security?
Both have LAX security.
What's The Difference Between A Blimp And A Blow Job Every Day?
One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking awesome year!
I Ordered A Pizza The Other Day, When She Read The Order Back To Me She Said, "So, You Have One Thick Sausage, Anything Else?
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Two Blondes Are Drawing Money From An ATM. One Of Them Says To The Other...
I love the sound of money being printed.
Ever Since My Girlfriend Got Pregnant, A Lot Has Changed...
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!
An Asian Man Walks Into A Bar
he walks up to the bar tender, who is Black, and says "Give me a drink n*****". The bar tender is very offended and says "you can't call me that, you're not Black. How would you like it if we switched places?" The Asian man retorted he wouldn't mind in the slightest, and proceeded to switch places. The bar tender promptly said "How 'bout a drink, chink?" The Asian man responded "We don't serve your kind here."
I Caught My Kid Jacking Off The Other Day
I told him if he kept it up he'd go blind. He said, "dad, I'm over here"
The Customer Is Always Right
My Favorite Joke To Play On Workers At Stores I Go Into:
(Wednesday Evening Going To Walgreens)
Store Clerk: Hi Welcome to Walgreens, How Are You Today?
Me: Thank God it's Friday
Store Clerk: haha well Today is Wednesday
Me: No Today is Friday, the customer is always right!
Gets them every time, and it's so funny to see their reaction!
If I Had A Dollar For Every Racist Thing I've Said...
Some black motherfucker would probably rob me.
When I Was A Kid I Confessed To My Priest That I Peed In The Holy Water. At First He Was Shocked And Appalled...
Then a murderer/rapist went into the confessional after me. After that, mine didn't seem so bad in compare-a-sin
Saturday, April 29, 2017
If You Ever Need Help Learning C++, I Can Give You Some Pointers.
And you can keep me as a reference.
Did You Hear About The Midget That Got Kicked Out Of The Nudist Colony?
He was getting into everybody's hair...
Why Don't Women Get Hit By Trains?
There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.
A Doctor And A Lawyer
A startup doctor opens a clinic and puts up a sign saying he can cure anything for $20, and if he can't the patient will be refunded $100. A Lawyer sees this and thinks its a great way to make some money. He goes in and says "I have lost my sense of taste." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try again. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." annoyed lawyer: "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the money): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
My Girlfriend And I Watched The Star Wars Movies Back To Back Last Night;
I'm so glad I was the one facing the TV.
(Huehuehue ... but seriously, she would just be on her damn phone haha)
TIL That Rick Astley Will Let You Borrow Any Movie From His Pixar Collection, Except One.
He's never gonna give you Up
Study Abroad
I participated in a study abroad program in college but I got kicked out for studying more than one.
I Finally Came Out Of The Closet Today...
My mom then walks up to me, and says something to me.
"Holy fuck, How messy is your closet Joe? You have been in your closet for an entire month cleaning it!"
An Australian Man Walked In On His Girlfriend Getting Changed And She Said "Have You Heard Of Knocking?"
He said "It doesn't ring a bell"
You Are In A Room With Nothing But A Table And A Mirror. How Do You Get Out?
You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.
Why Do You See So Many Sleeveless Shirts At An NRA Convention?
It gets hot with all those bodies in one room!
Friday, April 28, 2017
Islam Is A Virus
Ashhaduan laailaaha illallaahu waashhadu anna muhammadan abduhoo wa rasooluh.
(explanation in comments).
A Penis Lives A Hard Life
His neighbor's nuts, he lives accross from an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, everyone calls him a dick, and his owner beats him.
Psychic Hotline
I spoke to a psychic on a hotline, she sent me my winning lotto numbers, but I still haven't won yet. I know she's legit, though, because she posted me the winning numbers for another lotto draw, but they just arrived too late.
Three Gay Men
Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''
I Was Watching T.V. The Other Day...
I was watching T.V. the other day, when a commercial came on. It stated "Have unwanted gold? Come on over to Cash 4 Gold!" and I thought to myself, I have unwanted gold alright. So I came over to Cash 4 Gold and started telling jokes. I gave them gold alright. Comedy Gold.
Do You Know How To Save A Muslim From Drowning ? Click If You Don't Know The Answer .
That's good :) .
// you can replace muslim by anything , it is a racist JOKE //
I Like Going To The Movies By Myself...
Of course, if I had friends I'd prefer to go with them.
Anyways, I never bother to turn my phone off at the movies. I mean, it's not like anyone's going to call me.
A Man Was Arrested For Hacking The Powergrid From A Skyscraper.
His mother, in an exclusive interview said "its such a shame he had so much potential, but in his current situation I don't think he can do much. To be honest it re-volts- me that he did it, it makes me blow a fuse. I hope that he didn't put up too much resistance, and the trial will be conducted properly."
He will be charged in court tommorow.
The Only Cow In A Small Russian Village Stopped Giving Milk..
..so the villagers went to Minsk and bought a new one. The cow produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy, they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. But the cow wanted nothing to do with the bull, constantly moving away every time Ferdinand approached. So the people asked their wise rabbi what to do.
After some reflection, the rabbi asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"You are truly wise," said the townspeople. "How did you know?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "Because my wife is from Minsk."
What Did The Poop Said To The Other Poop?
Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here!
Poop to Pee: May I go first?
Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides..
Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!
Thursday, April 27, 2017
A Jewish Boy Asks His Father For $50...
The dad replies "40 dollars!?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!"
An Old Joke Told In The Soviet Union Wheelbarrow Factories...
Every other Friday a guard at the wheelbarrow factory saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.
The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire from the wheelbarrow factory.
When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something from the wheelbarrow factory. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing from the wheelbarrow factory!” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”
2 South Africans Were In A Bar Were Discussing Oscar Pistorius's Case.
One said "He should have blackened her up with a tin of shoe polish then he might of got away with it"
The other man replied in fury " I am disgusted with you, how could you be so insensitive?"
"Yeah your right" he said, "Where would he get a tin of shoe polish?"
A Man Died After Following The World Health Organisation's Advice
A man died after following the World Health Organisation's advice: "Eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day." He ate 3 watermelons and two pumpkins.
How Many Post-minimalists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Two. On e to he
lp with t he
he lp with
one two
with and the oth
there to
{}}}}}}}}}}}}}
and th e to two
with lp
he
I Just Found Out Why The Literacy Rate In Greece Is Among The Lowest
...it's because everything they learn in school is Greek to them.
Have You Heard Of The Newest Study?
Experts say that 82% of people believe what is said in make-believe studies when they claim that they are confirmed by experts.
My Grandfather Was Treated Very Badly By The Germans In WW2.
Passed over for promotion time and time again.
I Was Walking In A Cemetery This Morning And I Saw A Guy Hiding Behind A Gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
The Old Man And His Wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?" After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes. The old man sighed. "Who was he?" "You.
A Wasp Expert Was Walking Past A Old Records Store In The Mall....
when out of the corner of his eye he saw a beautiful looking record with a giant wasp design on it's sleeve. Upon closer inspection he learns that it is actually a collection of all the known species of wasps and the sounds their wings make when they fly. The wasp expert, who was very curious, went ahead and bought the record along with a cheap portable record player and immediately started listening to it when he got home. As he listened to the record however he noticed something peculiar, none of the flight sounds were wasps! The wasp expert immediately takes the record back to the store from where he had gotten it and asks for an explanation. The store keeper simply says,"relax, you were on the "B"side of the record."
I Had A Babysitting Job Once.
Let me tell you a story about that.
I once babysat a kid, he was about 3, I guess. He was rather small and looked more innocent than an angel. But the catch was that he was a violent ball of profanity and hate.
And I had to babysit the violent ball of profanity and hate.
So I left him to play with Lego and I'm sitting on the couch, watching TV like an irresponsible prick.
Suddenly, I hear something fall in the kitchen. I go to check it out and there I see him, wielding a knife.
I fall over in shock and he marches up to me, knife raised.
"I wanna lub!" he says.
I was confused confused. What's he saying?
He pricks me with it and then shouts "I WANNA LUB!"
What is lub
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
No more
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
A Poem My Father Taught Me
Here's to the girl in the little red shoes she'll eat your food and drink your booze she'll get you so hot, you'll think you'll smother the she goes home to sleep with her brother.
I Was At The Amusement Park Today And Had To Go Number 2 Real Bad.
The security guard must have noticed...he yelled at me, it scared me, and I nearly fell off the roller coaster. Then the people behind me yelled at me because shit flew in their faces. Then I got scared and peed and it went all on the visitors below...they got mad at me and I pooped my pants on the Ferris wheel!
Then I went to pool to go tp the bathroom in the deep end all secret like. The lifeguard must have noticed because he yelled no cannon balls, then looked over at me very confused since I was dry, but everything got wet...even the cars in the parking lots 200 feet away. Then the water started to turn red because the poop I took was so big.
I then got scared and pissed but I was at the concession stand now...the cashier must have noticed because the vanilla snowcone I had just bought just turned into lemon flavor. She took a bite because she was so confused. She took one lick, looked me in the eyes, took off her clothes and fucked me there....I got scared and pooped my pants but this time it was inside her VAGINA! And the snow cone was actually red now because she was color blind!
Ok here is the punchline...I didn't poop inside her vagina, I pooped inside an asshole because it was a man cashier instead! but double punchline...it was actually my own asshole! And the color of the snow cone was actually brown! I was hallucinating thinking all this and just took a normal poop but technically I did poop in an asshole!!! hahahahhah.
Mushrooms are great, except for the having diarrhea part and eating it! Not eating the mushrooms....eating the diarrhea!!!! HAHAH get it...do you get it?!?
I Still Carry A Picture Of My Wife In My Wallet
Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.
There Once Was A Woman Named Hill (ary)
There once was a woman named Hill
whose cunt was of case-hardened steel.
She would get a great thrill
from an emery wheel,
or an off-center pneumatic drill.
A Physicist Sees A Man About To Jump Off From The Top Of Sears Tower...
He yells to him "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
This Subreddit's Online Users
i'm not sure if i'm accurate but is it possible that the current users are online users - the sub users?
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Said A Racist Comment, I Would Have 0 Dollars
Because some black guy would have robbed me
Sleeping With Prostitutes Is Like
making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.
A Mother Is In The Kitchen Making Dinner
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Types Of Cows
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom
When I Was A Kid I Could Go To A Corner Store With A $1 And Get 2 Cokes, 1 Kitkat And A Gum
Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere
This Eighty Year Old Couple .....
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup
An Old Jewish Man Asked Me For Directions.
I didn't really care where he was going, so I told him it was straight on until the third reich.
2 Men Are At A Bar Ontop Of The Empire State Building
- Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
- "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
- Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
- Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running start, and jumps right out of the window. He then proceeds to fly once around the building and back in.
- Man 2 says "Now I'm a little drunk so I'm not sure if I saw that, do it again"
- Man 1 does it again, but takes his time flying so Man 2 can see it.
- Man 2 says: "OH!!! I WANNA DO IT"
- So Man 2 goes to the other side of the room, takes a running start, jumps and....plummets to his death.
- Man 1 looks out of the window, sees the dead Man 2 and chuckles. He then goes back to the bar, slams his fist down and yells "GET ME ANOTHER BEER, BARTENDER!"
- Bartender looks at Man 1 and says: "You know you're a real ass when you're drunk, Superman."
For Our 25th Anniversary, I Took My Wife To Hawaii...
...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.
Another Bar Joke
a neutron walks into a bar and asks ' how much for a drink ' the bartender replies ' for you, no charge'
How Many Homosexuals Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
THREE. One to bend over, one to screw in the bulb, and one to drive the gay pride float!
I Asked A Guy At The Gym How To Use A Piece Of Equipment.
"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."
I Put On My Favorite Disco Album Yesterday. My Wife Tried Telling Me Disco Was Dead.
I said "No honey, it's not. You're thinking of your mother.
Did Anyone Hear About The Grizzly Who Was Sick Of Giving Birth To Naked Cubs?
She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.
Monday, April 24, 2017
A Young Jedi In Training Walks With Obi Wan Through A Market...
and the young jedi is inquisitive about all of the stations that they pass. He continues to ask Obi Wan about the different merchants and items from across the galaxy.
They first come across a robot sales man and in order to impress the young jedi, Obi Wan buys him his own miniature driod for 20 galactic coins and they continue walking through the shops.
Finally the pair come across a hooded man who is interested in making a purchase at a stand selling weapons. This mysterious man selects a specific blaster and begins to haggle with the stand owner. "3? One blaster for 3?" Upon agreeing upon a price, the man lifts up his cloak and begins to flex his stomach muscles three times and walks off with his blaster. The young jedi directs Obi Wan's attention to the transaction and asks what is going on.
Obi quickly whisks the young man away and they rush out of the market. When they safely exit, the young jedi is confused. Obi Wan looks him dead in the eye and says. Only a sith deals in ab salutes.
Have You Guys Seen The Hitler Biopic Starring Mike Tyson?
I just watched it and I don't think Mike really got his character down. He kept saying he hated juice.
Samuel L Jackson Got Into An Argument With An Ethiopian...
I heard him screaming "Food, motherfucker! Do you eat it?"
A Guy Goes To A Car Dealership...
and is looking at some new cars. The salesman comes up and asks "are you thinking about buying a new car?" The guy says "I am going to buy a new car...I was thinking about pussy!"
I Was At The Public Swimming Pool Today And Decided To Have A Sneaky Piss In The Deep End.
The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.
Know Why Polish Airplanes Only Fill Half Of An Airplane For Each Fligth?
Poles on the rigth half of the plane are unstable
Here's A Fact, Gay Guys Love Vagina.
Okay, that might be wrong. I'm just trying to get my facts straight.
A Jew Goes To A Grocery Store To Get A Loaf Of Bread
He goes up to the cashier and says "how much does this Challa cost?"
Paratrooper Initiation
After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.
They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."
The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.
A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"
"A little at first."
Jeb Says Hes Good At Fixing Things And I Don't Doubt Him...
People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm talkin about.
A Vicar Walking Down A Road
sees a little girl walking her dog "hello little girl thats a nice little dog whats his name " the little girl replies "fuck pig "" wow thats a strange name for a dog why do you call him that " said the vicar "cause he fucks pig " replied the little girl
I Told My Husband He Really Should Stop Masturbating.
"Why?", he asked
"Because you're making this dinner party REALLY uncomfortable for our guests."
An Old Woman Decides To Rekindle The Flame With Her Husband...
So one evening she gets fully nude and asks her husband, "So how do you like my birthday suit."
The husband lowers his newspaper, adjusts his glasses, gives a look and goes back to reading saying, "It's nice but sure needs some ironing."
Sunday, April 23, 2017
A Man Hires A Painter To Paint A Mural On His Wall...
He wants the mural to be about Custer's Last Stand and instructs the painter he'd like to have it done within the week. A couple days pass and the painter shows the man his final painting, who is shocked at what he sees. A giant cow with a halo on his head, surrounded by a bunch of Native Americans participating in sexual acts graced his old wall.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" screams the man.
"I was trying to figure out what Custer would've been thinking." replies the painter.
"And exactly what did you think he was thinking?"
"Holy cow look at all these fucking Indians!"
How Would You Like It If You Didn't See Me?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Whats The Most Uncomfortable Thing About A Prostate Exam?
When you ask the doctor where to put your pants and his reply is right next to mine.
Two Women Are Talking In A Bar.
One says "my husband bought me flowers, now I have to spread my legs for two weeks!" The other says "why, don't you have a vase?"
A Man Is Working In A Morgue....
When one of his employees comes running into his office "BOSS! COME QUICK! There's a problem with Mrs. Mcgruder!"
"What could be wrong? She's already dead"
"Boss, you've gotta see this, there's a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch!"
"No fucking way, the funeral's in a couple of hours, finish her up and go home."
"No, Boss I mean it. There is a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch"
"Fine I'll come take a look, but if you're lying, my time is coming out of your paycheck."
They go downstairs and the employee throws back the sheet and says "see boss a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch!"
"You idiot! That's not a shrimp, its her clit!"
"Oh....well it tasted like shrimp"
Chinese Sick Leave
Chinese sick leave
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house...
A Six-year-old And A Four-year-old Are About To Go Downstairs For Breakfast.
The six-year-old says to the four-year-old, "All right, we're gonna start cussing today. I'm gonna use hell in a sentence, and you're gonna use ass." The four-year-old agrees, and they go downstairs.
The children's mom asks the boys what they would like for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll have some Cheerios," says the six-year-old. The mother whacks the kid back up the stairs.
"And what would YOU like, young man?" asks the mother.
"You bet your sweet ass I don't want any Cheerios."
As A White Guy, It Really Bothers That Only Black People Can Use The Word "nigger".
Thats OUR word!
I'm not racist. I just wrote a racist joke.
An 81-year-old Man Goes To See His Doctor.:
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer’s.” The old man brightens up and replies, “At least it’s not cancer!”
Why Did The Man Tell His Mom To Get Him Out Of Prison?
She had gotten him out of a tight spot before.
A White Lady Wants To See If Blacks Are As Good In Bed As They Say,
So she goes to a bar and takes home the first black guy she sees.. She gets completely naked and goes up to the man and says" I want you to do whatever your best at" the guy grabs her purse and runs.
Rules For A Happy Relationship
- The wife is always right.
- If the wife is wrong, see rule number 1.
i know it's an old joke but it's my favorite
Stealing Candy From Your Kids Is Awesome...
...because you can justify your actions by stating that candy is not healthy for them. It's a win-win.
First Female Astronaut On The Moon.
Female: "Houston, we have a problem. H:" What?" Female:"Never mind" H: What's the problem? Female: "Nothing" H:Please tell us? Female:"You know what the problem is."
Saturday, April 22, 2017
The 45 Difference
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
How Can You Tell If That's A Porn Star At The Gas Station?
They wait till the gas gets to the tip of the nozzle....then just as its about to cum out, they pull out and start spraying gas all over the winsheild!
The Guy, The Nun And The Bus Driver
Everyday this guy would take the bus home after work. On the same route the bus would pick up this nun which the guy was very attracted to. Everyday he would ask the nun if he could fuck her to which the nun would reply I am a women of faith no. After the 100th failed attempt the guy says to the bus driver everyday I ask her to fuck me and everytime she says no what am I doing wrong? The bus driver says I have an answer for you. Every Tuesday the nun goes to this graveyard to mourn her lost friend. What you need to do is go to the graveyard dressed up like a ghost and demand that she have sex with you. A couple guys do this every Tuesday and the nun always says yes and fucks them. Excited the guy says thank you and goes to a costume shop to get ready. Time passes and Tuesday comes by and the guy asks the nun on the bus will you fuck me? Which she says no. So Tuesday night rolls around and he puts on his ghost costume and goes to the graveyard the bus driver told him the nun goes to. There he waits for the nun to show up. An hour passes and the nun finally shows up. The guy jumps out from behind the graveyard and demands that the nun has sex with him. Scared the nun says yes and they finally fuck. Afterwards the guy takes off his costume and says I was the guy from the bus. The nun responds and says I'm the bus driver.
I Went Out Last Night With A Group Of Enthusiastic Weavers.
Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline.
What's The Difference Between A Piano, A Tuna, And Glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Spaniard And A German Are All Standing Watching A Street Performer
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
Two Brothers Are Lost In The Woods...
They are both tired and hungry. One was Peter, who was hard working and obedient. The other was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went off to search for a large rock. John, on the other hand, was too lazy and instead grabbed a small pebble. After they both had rocks, the voice appeared again.
"THE SIZE OF THE ROCK IN YOUR HAND SHALL BE THE SIZE OF THE BREAD YOU WILL HAVE."
All of a sudden, the rocks in their hand magically turned into warm, freshly baked bread. Excitedly, Peter began to eat his bread while John cursed at the voice. After they were done eating, the loud voice came back again.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A SMALL ROCK."
Earnest Peter did not hesitate and grabbed a small pebble. John, however, decided that he wouldn't be tricked again and hauled a big, heavy boulder. After they had their rocks, the voice appeared.
"THE LENGTH OF THE DISTANCE YOU WILL THROW YOUR ROCK SHALL BE THE LENGTH OF THE LIFE YOU WILL GET."
Peter threw his rock 30 yards ahead and gained 30 more years in his life. He praised the voice, while John was not able to throw the boulder, and did not gain any year in his life. He was getting frustrated with the voice. All of a sudden, the voice appeared for the third time.
"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB TWO ROCKS."
Earnest peter did not hesitate and grabbed two rocks of equal size. John, however, decided that he would outsmart the voice and grabbed a tiny rock and the boulder he had before. He laughed and said, "How do you like me now?" Again, the voice appeared.
"THE SIZE OF THE ROCKS YOU HAVE SHALL BE THE SIZE OF YOUR BALLS."
What Did Russian Judge Say To The Jury?
I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.
Did You Hear About The Special Offer At The Mexican Carpet Store?
UNDERLAY UNDERLAY UNDERLAY!!!!!!!!
Sexist UFO
A strange disk appeared in the sky. It would hover over groups of women and whistle. Whenever a man would approach it would fly away and hover over another group of women and whistle. The headline in a feminist paper read: Object Defying Women.
Rabbi, Priest, And A Sheik Find A Bag Of $ On The Ground While On A Walk Together
They all agree money needs to go to god but how much?
The priest draws a circle on the ground and declares anything that falls into the circle goes to god the rest outside the circle they split and keep.
The sheik disagrees, he believes it should be reverse, in the circle means they keep it outside means they give it to God.
The rabbi then grabs the bag and throws it in the air as he says, "whatever god wants he keeps, whatever lands is ours!"
Very Good Joke
Two friends: - Hey , for my son in his new job he feels like a fish in water . - That makes? - Nothing..
Why Were All The Oompa Loompas Black In Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory?
Because Orange is the New Black.
My Girlfriend Texted Me Saying She Was Going To Go Out Shopping For An Hour
sent at: 2001-11-06 3:35 PM
Why Do You Love Your Puppy More Than You Love Your Wife?
Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her
A Couple Wanted To Have Sex One Sunday Afternoon...
They figured the only way they could pull a quickie off with their 10y/o son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to loudly report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan in operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," the boy said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks the the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are fucking."
The couple shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too, " his son replied.
My Mom Laughed When I Said Me And My Brother Al Were Gonna Build A Car Out Of Tacos...
You should have seen her face when I drove Al pastor.
Two Muffins Were Sitting In An Oven
The first muffin says "Man it is hot in here" The second muffin turns around and yells "AHHH a talking muffin!!"
Friday, April 21, 2017
I Work At A Pharmaceutical Research Lab, And We Managed To Kill A Rat With Marijuana Today.
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
Priest Does A Crossword Puzzle
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
"Change" Of Attitude...
A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he is. We have three kids and they are the best kids ever.
- Wow, seems wonderful.
- I hope you don't mind, but i'm really impressed.
- Yeah? Why?
- You've changed your manners a lot! I remember that you normally used to curse a lot, and you did not care about anything anyone else was doing. You've changed a lot.
- Well, i went to a psychologist and we talked about the way i was, and he finally gave me a golden advice.
- Yeah? What was it?
- Well, he told me that i should replace in my vocabulary the phrase "I don't give a fuck" with "seems wonderful".
An Elderly Couple Are In Church...
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
Seven Cats
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
A Blind Man Travels To Texas.......
A blind man headed to Texas for his vacation. Upon arriving at the hotel, he felt a large breeze in the lobby. He said," Wow!" and heard his voice echo. He then said," Wow, this lobby is so big!" A passing bellhop replied," Everything is bigger in Texas." After checking in, another bellhop helped him to his room. The blind man sat down on his bed, felt how big it was, and said," Wow, this bed is so big!" The bellhop told him," Everything is bigger in Texas." After he set all of his belongings down, he went downstairs to the bar and ordered a beer. When he touched the huge mug, he said," Wow, this mug is so big!" And of course, the bartender told him," Everything is bigger in Texas." After drinking the huge beer, he needed to go to the bathroom. He asked the bartender," Where is the bathroom?" The bartender told him," Second door on the right." So the blind man headed down the hall. Accidentally miscounting the doors, he went into the third door down, where the indoor swimming pool was. Blindly stumbling into the pool, he waded to the top, screaming at the top of his lungs," DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!"
One Day Dave And His Twin Brother
enlisting in the Army & were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, over sized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked them. "It's hereditary, sir," Dave replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "So, your father's the reason for your overly elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." Dave replied. "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know that, sir," replied Dave, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us in and out of the bathtub as infants, she had to manage as best as she could sir."
A Friend Of Mine Is So Politically Correct....
At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.
China, Russia, And Poland Venture To Space.
China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."
Some People Don't Feel Right In Life.
They feel weird, like there is a change needed to be made. This is why some transgender. It lifts on a big weight off their chest.
Or, on their chest.
I Was At A U2 Concert The Other Night...
After one of the song's ended, there was complete silence in the arena.
clap
clap
clap
Bono was standing above everyone clapping every few seconds. After about a minute of this he went up to the mic and said, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa will die of starvation."
So some guy in the middle of the crowd yells, "Then stop clapping your hands, asshole!"
If A Car Is Stuck In A Tree With Its Headlights On, How Many Pancakes Does It Take To Get To The Moon?
Zero! Snakes don't have armpits!
If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Stepped On The Cat When I Arrived Home...
I could afford to wipe my shoes on a proper door mat
Bush And Obama Are Standing Together At The Urinals...
Bush and Obama are standing together at the urinals draining the ole lizards, when a curious Obama glances over at Bush' wanker: "My God George W. That is the biggest pecker I've ever seen on a white man. How'd you come by it?" "Well Barry," answered Bush chuckling. "Heheheh. That's a long story for it wasn't always as large as it is today. However I cannot reveal to you how I got it to such an enormous size for that is a closely held secret." "Awww c'mon," pleaded Obama. "We're members of the same club. You can tell me." " I will not do it." Says Bush. "That is not the way I keep secrets." "I'll give you anything. You just name it." Say's Obama. "Michelle has always ridiculed me about my Caucasian half, as she calls it. I am convinced I do not satisfy her in bed. Look at this, and see if I ain't telling the truth." And he displays his small member. Bush agrees, "That is truly pi-ti-ful son," and he shakes his head sympathetically. "I tell you what. If you will swear to never, ever tell another living soul, I will share with you how I did it." 'I swear it." Obama says. "Okay." Bush says. "Each night before I get into bed I perform a ritual. I slam by tally-wacker against the bedpost seventeen times." "Is that it?" Asked Obama. "That is all I have to do?" "That's it." Answered Bush. "But don't hold back. Really slam it hard." That night as Obama was getting into bed, he turned off the light, tiptoed over to the bedpost and began slamming his wanker against it, while keeping count. "Thwack! One...Thwack! Two...Thwack! Three... Thwack! Four... Thwack!" That's when Michelle sat bolt upright in bed, her sleepy eyes trying to peer through the darkness, hands groping, and she asked in a cautious whisper: "Cheney? Is that you?"
I Had An Uncle Who Was A Drunk...
tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Choose Heaven Or Hell
A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him and says that there is a new regulation now where a soul gets to choose if they want to go to heaven or hell. The soul must spend three days in hell and three days in heaven and after that he chooses where to go.
The man elects to get hell over with first and like that he poof vanishes and is transported to hell. He is greeted by lightly dressed, beautiful women, rivers of gold, alcohol, lust beyond all his dreams, a paradise of pleasure. Nothing at all like he was explained on earth. Everyday a new woman. Everyday the most succulent foods. Everyday just more and more bliss.
Alas, though, his third day was up and like a flash poof he arrived in heaven. He was given wings and a harp. There was no river of gold, lust, women to fuck, the food was relatively bland. All and all, it was just meh.
His third day past, St. Pete appeared before him and asked where he wanted to spend eternity. The man says, "St. Pete... I never thought I'd ever mutter these words, but I want to go to hell!" St. Pete asked him if he was sure and as giddy as a school boy he gives a definitive yes.
And just like that poof he arrives in hell. This time, though, he is shackled to a wall, on fire, and being disemboweled. It's never ending! In torturous pain constantly with no relief! It began to dawn on him that this would be his eternity.
Later that day he sees Satan strolling by. Between his screams of agony and pain, the man yells, "HEY SATAN!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WOMEN, THE FOOD, THE LUST, THE HEAVEN THAT WAS HERE WHEN I VISITED!!!"
Satan replies, "oh. You see when you visited I was campaigning. Today you voted!"
I Tried Phone Sex Last Night
Safe to say, I would prefer if you didn't call me during working hours until it goes flat.
A Blonde Goes On A Plane To London And Decide To Sit In First Class Seat
The flight attendant approaches her and asks her to move back to her seat as these seats are very expensive.
She refused to move and said " I'm blonde,I'm beautiful and i'll seat wherever i want".
Next comes the co-pilot and she responds the same...
After a while the pilot approaches her whisper in her ear and immediately she got up and went back to her seat.
The flight attendant and the co-pilot were so surprised and asked the pilot what did you tell her?
And he answered "I told her,first class doesn't stop at London"
I Was At The Fair Today Where You Aim The Rifle At The Ducks, And If You Shoot One, You Win A Prize.
I also discovered that if you aim it at the guy running the stall; you get all the prizes.
God Said Unto John...
"John if you come fourth you shall receive eternal life!" But John came fifth and won a toaster
I Was Showing My Doctor The Rash On My Dick Today.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment at his office tomorrow and then walked off with his family and carried on shopping.
Did You Hear The News About The Failed Plan To Send ISIS A Shipment Of Deactivated Bomb Vests?
People are surprised it's blowing up.
The Song "Hotel California" Could Never Be Admitted Into Evidence In A Court Of Law.
It's entirely hearsay (he said/she said)
Who Would Win A Race From New York To LA, Two Homosexuals Or Two Lesbians?
The lesbians would win, because, they would 69 all the way there, while the homosexuals would still be at home packing their shit.
I Don't Know Why People Get So Upset About Failed Pregnancies...
I mean, the baby is still born. (sorry)
A Well-Planned Life?
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" She answered: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
The Chanting
I was walking by the local mental institution when I noticed I could hear the patients outside chanting.
"13...13...13...13..."
There was a ten foot tall wooden fence around the property, so I couldn't see what was happening. I had almost completely walked by the entire institute when I noticed a pretty sizeable hole near the ground at the corner of the fence. I decided to stoop down and take a peek at what was going on.
BAM!!!
Suddenly, something jabbed me in the eye hard enough to knock me on my ass! While I was still processing what had happened, I noticed the chanting had changed.
"14...14...14..."
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
The Newlyweds And Their Donkey
A couple just got married, they had a wonderful wedding ceremony, and after the guests had all left they got in their cart and headed home. The cart was pulled by the husband's old donkey, and he was mostly blind. As they were heading home, the donkey stumbled, causing the cart to shake. The husband said: "Thats One".
A few miles down the road, the donkey tripped on a rock and caused the cart to veer to the side of the road. The husband said: "Thats Two".
When they were almost home, a rat ran in front of the cart, spooking the donkey, who brayed and almost tipped the cart. The husband, without a word, stopped the cart, went to the back, pulled out his shotgun, and shot the donkey in the head. His wife was horrified. "How could you do that, it was just a few mistakes!". The husband turned to his new wife and said: "Thats One".
This joke is in memory of my grandmother, who celebrated 30 years of marriage before reaching Three.
Best Lines When Dealing With Telemarketers
Some of the better ones
- City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
- Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
- Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
- Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
- Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
In Most Places, When You Can't Find Your Khakis, It Means Your Out Of Luck For Pants
In Boston, it means you can't drive your cah
I Don't Wear A Condom When I'm Having Sex With My Girlfriend.
Mostly because I'm afraid the plastic on plastic rubbing will cause a tear and make her deflate.
A Officer Is Back In Moscow From Afghanistan On Army Business...
And stops in to get a haircut.
"So how are things going in Afghanistan?" the barber asks?
"Getting better," he replies.
A few minutes later she asks him again: "How are things going in Afghanistan?"
"Getting better."
A little while later: "How are things going in Afghanistan?"
"Getting better."
They finish and the officer leaves. "Why did you keep asking him the same question?" the barber's colleagues ask him.
"Whenever I mentioned Afghanistan his hair stood on end and it was easier to cut."
Pythagoras Was A Native American
On the banks of a river sat three Indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself. A Native American mathematician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
I Hope I Don't Have To Face Rich French Renaissance Citizens As Enemies In Video Games.
They would be overpowdered.
![http://i.imgur.com/U2U7s7n.jpg[/img]](http://i.imgur.com/U2U7s7n.jpg%5B/img%5D){kind=link}
The Teacher Asked Jimmy, "Why Is Your Cat At School Today Jimmy?".....
.... Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
"Who's That Over There Talking To Himself?" I Asked The Barman In The Pub.
"That's Bill," He replied. "He comes in every dinner time and sits and has a drink with his imaginary wife."
"Is he a loony?" I asked.
"What makes you say that?" He laughed.
"Why else would you have an imaginary wife?" I replied, "an imaginary girlfriend would be far less hassle, and you'd still get regular sex."
My Neighbour Thinks It's Funny To Joke With My Wife, In Front Of Me, That Our Kids Look A Bit Like Him.
One day, I'm going to say something to the black bastard.
Wrestling Is Stupid
B1: Bro, Wrestling is stupid.
B2: Why, Bro?
B1: Men with no pants... Fighting for a belt... WTF?
My Friends Think I Have A Drinking Problem...
So I told them "no, I actually think I drink quite well"
Winter Is Coming
The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood !'
A Horse Walks Into A Bar...
The bartender says: “It’s probably not a good idea that you’re in here. You’re a very large animal. Any sudden movements and you may injure somebody. I don’t even know, why you’re here. None of the glasses are ergonomically designed for you to drink from them. So, you should probably leave.”
The Little Yellow Man And His Little Yellow String
There once was a little yellow man who found a little yellow string. He too the little yellow string up his little yellow stairs and into his little yellow bedroom where his little yellow wife was sitting and asked her "little yellow wife do you know what this little yellow string is for?" She replied "I don't know maybe the little Red man will know". The little yellow man replied "I'll go ask him".
So off the little yellow man went out his little yellow bedroom, down his little yellow stairs, down his little yellow corrodor, out his little yellow door, down his little yellow path, out his little yellow gate, down the little yellow road and out the little yellow village.
He entered the little Red village, walked down the little Red road, though the little Red gate, up the little Red path, into the little Red door, up the little Red corrodor and into the little Red living room where he met the little Red man. He said "hi little red man do you know what this little yellow string is for?" And the little Red man replied nope go ask the little green Man he will know" and the little yellow man said ok" and walked out of the little Red living room, down the little Red corrodor, out the little Red door, down the little Red path, out the little Red gate, down the little Red path and out the little Red village.
He entered the little green village, walked down the little green road, though the little green gate, up the little green path, into the little green door, up the little green corrodor and into the little green living room where he met the little green man. He said "hi little green man do you know what this little yellow string is for?" And the little green man replied nope go ask the little blue Man he will know" and the little yellow man said ok" and walked out of the little green living room, down the little green corrodor, out the little green door, down the little green path, out the little green gate, down the little green path and out the little green village
He entered the little blue village, walked down the little blue road, though the little blue gate, up the little blue path, into the little blue door, up the little blue corrodor and into the little blue living room where he met the little blue man. He said "hi little blue man do you know what this little yellow string is for?" And the little blue man replied nope go ask the little orange Man he will know" and the little yellow man said ok" and walked out of the little blue living room, down the little blue corrodor, out the little blue door, down the little blue path, out the little blue gate, down the little blue path and out the little blue village
He entered the little orange village, walked down the little orange road, though the little orange gate, up the little orange path, into the little orange door, up the little orange corrodor and into the little orange living room where he met the little orange man. He said "hi little orange man do you know what this little yellow string is for?" And the little orange man replied when you get home pull it and you will find out" and the little yellow man said ok" and walked out of the little orange living room, down the little orange corrodor, out the little orange door, down the little orange path, out the little orange gate, down the little orange path and out the little orange village
Into the little blue village, down the blue road, out the blue village, into the green village, down the green road, out the green village, into the red village, down the red road, out the red village, into the yellow village, up the yellow road, through the yellow gate, up the yellow path, through the yellow door, up the yellow corrodor, up the yellow stairs and into his little yellow bedroom. His little yellow wife asked "did you find out what it's for?" And he replied "yeah the little orange man said pull it and you will find out" so he pulled it and it snapped.
We've Been Married For 50 Years, And Everything Has Always Been Shared, 50/50.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
Did You Guys Hear The One About The Psychic Dwarf Who Escaped From Jail?
You know, the small medium at large?
Monday, April 17, 2017
Little Bill Came In From Recess
Little billy came from recess where he was greeted at the door by his teacher. "how was your recess?" he asked billy. "it was good, I played in the sand box with little susan" billy replied. "that sounds lovely. If you can spell the word cat you can have an extra 10 minutes of recess". "c-a-t" and off he went. Next in came little Susan. "how was your recess little susan?" "oh it was good. I played in the sand box with little billy". "how nice, if you can spell the word dog I'll give you an extra 10minutes of lunch". "d-o-g" and off she went after him. Then in came little Ahmed. "how was your recess little Ahmed?" "it wasn't that great. I wanted to play in the sand box with billy and Susan but they wouldn't let me because I'm ethnic." "that's too bad little Ahmed. I tell you what, if you can spell racial discrimination you can have an extra 10 of recess
Little Bill Came In From Recess
Little billy came from recess where he was greeted at the door by his teacher. "how was your recess?" he asked billy. "it was good, I played in the sand box with little susan" billy replied. "that sounds lovely. If you can spell the word cat you can have an extra 10 minutes of recess". "c-a-t" and off he went. Next in came little Susan. "how was your recess little susan?" "oh it was good. I played in the sand box with little billy". "how nice, if you can spell the word dog I'll give you an extra 10minutes of lunch". "d-o-g" and off she went after him. Then in came little Ahmed. "how was your recess little Ahmed?" "it wasn't that great. I wanted to play in the sand box with billy and Susan but they wouldn't let me because I'm ethnic." "that's too bad little Ahmed. I tell you what, if you can spell racial discrimination you can have an extra 10 of recess
Joke From Old Times
During the period of great depression two construction workers were taking a break under a tree. One saw something round, silver and shiny from the corner of his eyes. He whispered to his friend done move suddenly, there is a quarter behind you, reach is slowly, don't attract attention. His friend reached one hand behind him ever so slowly and tried to grab the quarter in his fist. But suddenly froze. Dude, there is no money there, someone coughed.
Two Fruits Talking
Once banana was telling a lemon, hey lemon, they squeeze you, again and again till all your juice is out, then off to the bin you go. How embarrassing! To which lemon replies, you are the one to tell me? They first take your clothes off then puts you in their mouth....
How Are Puppet Shows And Politics Similar?
They are both a bunch of silly characters yapping at each other with someone else's hands up their asses.
A College Student Knew She Wasn't Gonna Pass Her Class.
A very attractive female college student was in trouble. She had done very poorly in her class and knew she had to talk to the professor or else she would get an F in the class. After the class was over and everyone left she walked up to the professor and told him about her problems. Of course, the professor knew of the problems and came up with a very intriguing proposition. He said, while stroking his chin, "Yeah, I can help you, but it is gonna take a little of you know what, if you know what I mean." She, of course, knew what he meant. She quickly thought about it and how she felt about it. Rationalizing that her mom probably did something similar to get by she said, "Yeah I can do that." The professor told her to come closer so he could whisper into her ear. She obliged and very carefully put her ear within whispering distance of the professor. Feeling his hot breath he told her, "D is for a little dick, C is for some Coochie, B is for Boobies because I am a Boob man and....". And right at that moment the professor's phone rang for which he immediately picked it up. This was quite a relief for the student as it gave her time to think about her options. Of course, she wanted the A and knew what this would require. She knew she couldn't go home thinking that she didn't try her best to get an A and so resolved to go with that option. The professor finished his phone call and hung up the phone. The student immediately bent over and lifted her skirt so the professor could see her ass. She said carefully fingered her butt letting him know what grade she wanted He walked up behind her and unzipped his pants. She bit down on her pencil and he put it in. They were going at it for a few minutes when the professor blurted out, "OH! I forgot to tell you! A is for Aids."
So The Family Wife Comes Home After A Long Day Of Work...
...and the husband is already there. The wife walks in the door and is slightly surprised/ irritated to find her husband (who she’s been considering divorcing,) standing in the doorway right in front of her, hands on hips, BEAMING with pride.
Wife: “Why are you so happy?”
Husband: “I lost 10 pounds in the last hour.”
Wife: (sarcastic:) “Yeah, right, and I’m in no mood for this.”
Husband: (persistent:) “No, really. I lost 10 pounds in the last hour!”
Wife: (again, not having this:) “Seriously. I’m not in the mood, and we both know it didn’t happen, so stop.”
Husband: (still going strong:) “I’m telling you. I. Lost. 10. Pounds. In the last hour.”
At this point the wife is completely done, and as she is about to just let it go, the husband starts again…
Husband: “No, really. I can’t find the baby.”
A Dog Went To A Telegram Office
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
What's Small, Damp, And Hates Small Places?
The 9 year old in my trunk.
Whats the difference between a truckload of watermelons and a truckload of babies?
You can't unload watermelons with a pitchfork.
What's the best part about showering with a 12 year old?
Slick their hair back and they look 10.
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
Tortilla chips.
I Remember My First Kiss.
It was at a Halloween party her name was Jessica and she was seven. I still remember like it was yesterday even though it was nearly three years ago.
A Cute Transgendered Woman Walks Into A Bar...
She says to the bartender, "Hey how's it going? Could I please have a glass of your best wine? I've had a really rough day. I just found out my boyfriend's been cheating on me and my parents just told me they aren't inviting me over for Thanksgiving this year due to my transition."
The bartender leans in as close as he can and whispers, "Sorry, we only serve humans."
What's The Difference Between A $1000 Used Car And A Rolls-Royce?
One's a grand car and the other's a grand car
Can I Ask You A Question?
Me and my co worker was having a good conversation about school that lasted about 20 mins. Then she said "Can I ask you a question" and I replied "You just did"
Poison Anyone...?
Two men walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender, " I would like some h2o." The second guy says to the bartender " I would like some h2o to." Why did the second guy die?
Because he had h2o TO one in other ways, h2o2 which a poisonous chemical
A Couple Limericks...
There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
So instead of cream he got butter
There once was a man from Montclair
Who was screwing his wife on a stair
The banister broke
So he quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air
There once was a woman named Jill
Who inserted dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
Sunday, April 16, 2017
A Man Arrives At A Costume Party Wearing Nothing But A Pair Of Pants...
A person at the party comes up to him and says:
"What are you supposed to be?"
"I'm premature ejaculation." He says.
"What?" The person asks.
"I'm premature ejaculation." He says again.
"But what did you dress up as?" The person asks.
He replies: "Oh, nothing, I just came in my pants."
Last Night A Girl Told Me To Give Her 12 Inches And Make It Hurt...
So I fucked her twice and punched her in the head.
Bob And Jim In Paris
Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.
"Parlez vous Francais?"
Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.
"Habla Español?"
The two men just stare.
"Parli Italiano?"
No answer. The man throws his hands up and then drives away.
They walk on a bit farther, and then Bob says to Jim, "You know, we should learn another language."
"Why?" Jim asks. "That guy knew three languages and it didn't do him any good!"
So This Whale And This Herring Were Inseparable Companions ...
Anywhere the whale was, all the denizens of the ocean knew they would see the herring near-by. And vice-versa.
And then one day, the herring was spotted without the whale - no whale within a hundred miles.
So this dolphin asked the herring - where's your pal the whale?
And the herring said -
How the hell should I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?
There Is A Farmers Convention In Michigan...
One guy's walking around in a big stetson hat, cowboy boots, giant belt buckle, all the markings of a Texan. He walks up to one of the Michigan farmers and asks, "how many acres you got?"
The farmer, rather proud of his large land, replies "I got about 1200 acres."
"Ha," the Texan replies, "I tell you what, I get up at dawn and set out in my truck at daybreak and head straight west. By the time the sun goes down I still haven't reached the end of my property."
"Yea," says the Michigan farmer, "I used to have a truck like that."
Whats The Difference Between A Chickpea And A Garbanzo Bean?
I've never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
A Congressional Aide Asks An Alabama Congressman How He Wants To Proceed With The Abortion Bill
the congressman responds ,"Shhh... I said I would pay it!"
A Blind Man Walks Into A Store...
with his seeing eye dog. After walking in he starts swinging the dog around above his head. A clerk notices this and hurries over to the man asking if he needs assistance. He says "no thank you just looking around".
So My Friend Said To Ex Girlfriend "Please Dont Throw Me Under The Bus"
I replied " Ya thats right throw her under the subway"
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Three People Having Sex Is Called A Threesome...
Two people having sex is called a twosome. Now I know why everyone calls me handsome.
(My brothers Facebook status today...)
A Guy Goes To His Doctor.
The doctor says to him, "You need to stop masturbating". The patient says "What? Why?". The doctor replies "So I can examine you"
He Only Had A Dollar...
Did you hear about the guy who went to the dentist to get new dentures? His insurance was denied and he only had a dollar on him...so he wound up with buck teeth.
What's The Difference Between A Terrorist Training Camp And A Pakistani Kindergarten?
Shit I dunno, I just fly the drone.
My Housemates May Get Angry At Me For Stealing All Their Cooking Utensils..
..but quite frankly that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What's The Difference Between Christmas Presents And Ass Whuppins?
You ain't gettin' no Christmas presents!
In A Parallel Universe Where Humans Are Computers Instead,
a computer walked into a bakery but came out disappointed. When asked why, he said, "The computer at the counter says they're out of cookies."
A Joke I Tried To Make About The Difference Between British And American Government. (Bad Language)
One of our politicians fucked a pig's head
All of your politicians are pig headed fuckers
"Get In," I Ordered The Prostitute....
"Hey," she smiled.
I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."
"Selling my body for money?" she asked.
I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."
A Pious Man, Who Had Reached The Age
of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Father," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95 I was still here, and then turned 100 and I was still here Then I turned 105 and I am still here on planet. So, I figure that God is very very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"