But it turned out to be a bust.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Thursday, September 28, 2017
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
"A Teacher Is Teaching A Class....!!!"
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she
asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are
left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot
scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor,
one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice
cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny
says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A Man Walks Up To A High Rise Roof Top Bar And Sees Another Gentleman Drinking..
The man walks up to the gentleman and asks what the gentleman is drinking and the gentleman tells the man, "if you drink this special cocktail, it will give you great power." The gentleman pounds the cocktail, then immediately hurls himself out of a window. The gentleman then runs back up to the bar and proceeds to sit back in his spot to the horror and shock of the man. The man orders the same cocktail, pounds his drink, hurls himself out of the window, and plummets to his death.
The bartender looks at the gentleman and says, "Man Superman, you are a fucked up drunk."
"Birthday Gift"
Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big
beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third
got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted
to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her
third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.
Son: Dad, What Does 'gay' Means?...
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Pro-life Or Pro-choice?
I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice.
Damn...
Teacher: "Anyone Who Thinks He's Stupid May Stand Up!"
Nobody stands up Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
What's The Difference Between A Bear And The Bears Football Team?
Nothing, they both shit in the woods.
A Naked Blonde Walks Into A Bar With A Poodle Under One Arm And A 6ft Salami Under The Other.
The Bartender says,"So, I don't suppose you'd be needing a drink?" The blonde says,"I definitely do, after what just happened to me." The bartender says,"I'm so sorry. what happened?" The blonde says,"well, my boyfriend and I were just about to make love when out of nowhere the crazy bastard says ' I'm gonna pound my favorite bitch with my giant sausage.' So I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"
What Did The Artist Say To Himself Before Drawing His First Penis?
"I'm gonna have to think long and hard about this one."
Two Men Were Sitting Next To Each Other At Murphys Pub In London.
After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
A Swimmer Wanted To Break A World Record...
And swim from a beach in florida all the way to the shores of new york. The only thing he took with him was a waterproof radio to contact the news station in case of emergency. He started his swim and in 48 hours he was only a half a mile away from the statue of liberty. Then all of the sudden he made a U turn and started to swim back. When the news station found out they radiod him asking, "Is everything okay? Why are you swimming the other way?" The swimmer responded, "Yeah, Im too tired, Im comming back."
So An Australian Wakes Up From His Coma In A Hospital After A Brutal Car Crash...
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
I Started Carrying A Gun After An Attempted Mugging A Few Years Ago
Since then my muggings have been much more successful.
A Mother Borrows Her Gay Son's Phone
She needed to get in touch with her husband, so she clicked the contact titled "Daddy bear" in her son's phone.
It was not her husband who answered.
Why Do Wind Turbines Only Have 3 Blades?
As a blade moves, it creates a wake, like a boats wake, that disturbs the air around it. That wake can interfere with the efficiency of the next blade as it passes. So, it's a tradeoff situation for efficiency that factors in number of blades, blade speed, wind speed, and RPM to maximize the efficiency of energy conversion. This is also why how close the towers are to each other and how they are oriented overall on the landscape. Watch a sailing race and see how they try to steal each other's wind. Source of amazing joke
Do You Think There's A Surcharge For The Empty Space In A Kinder Egg?
If not: you're a Hollow-cost denier.
What's Stronger, Fifty Watts Of Sound Or Fifty Watts Of Light?
I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
I've Recently Recalled Some Troubling Memories...as A Child I Was Sexually Abused...
...best I can recall...I did most of it myself.
An Englishman, Irishman And Scotsman All Sit Down At A Bar And Order A Beer...
...then three flies happen along, each one landing in the mug of its respective owner. The Englishman is repulsed and orders another. The Irishman gives him a dirty look, obviously finding his fey behaviour offensive, and flicks the fly from his mug, taking a long drink. Then both of them hear screaming. It's the Scotsman. They turn on their stools to find him holding the fly by the wings and hollering: "Cough it up, ya greedy bassa!!"
There Was A Surprising Surge In Republican Support For Syrian Refugees Today
They found out 80% of the islamic refugees supported punishing gay people and bans on pre-marital sex.
pew-polls
Whats The Similarity Between Monkey In The Middle And Football?
Both of the groups that are concered about the health of someone playing both begin with the letter P.
Monday, September 25, 2017
You Ever Been To The Butcher With The Chastity Fetish?
Say what you will about the lifestyle, but his meat simply can't be beat.
I Hope That Cyber Monday Extends To The Deep Web...
Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!
[NSFW]What Sets Anal Sex Apart From Regular Sex?
Regular sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak.
The Farmer Asked The Scarecrow Why He Keeps His Job In The Field...
The farmer asked the scarecrow why he keeps his job in the field. The scarecrow turned to the farmer and said, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay... it's in my jeans."
A Dick Has A Sad Life
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his next-door neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
A Man And His Wife Decide To Have Sex
But the wife isn't comfortable with their son, Johnny, being able to barge in on them during the act.
The man has an idea.
He goes up to his son, "Johnny, let's make a deal. Stare out of the window and for every person dressed in black you see, I'll give you a dollar."
Johnny agrees and the man and his wife go off to quietly have sex.
A few minutes go by.. "Dad you owe me a dollar!"
Another few, "Dad, you owe me two!"
There is a period of silence from little Johnny until he exclaims, "Dad, a prostitute would have been cheaper! There is a whole funeral procession outside."
Ahhh, Christmastime...
Is my favorite time of year.
It's the only time of the year that my wife isn't griping at me to take down the Christmas lights.
The American School System Is A Lot Like An EA Game...
It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.
Caeser Ran Into His Friends Brutus
Brutus said "hey Julius, I heard you raped a Senators wife. What happened?".
Caeser replied. " Vidi Vici Veni!"
A Man Purchases A New Dress For His Wife...
...he goes home as fast as possible so he can give it to her before fashions change.
A Gay Deer Walks Into A Bar
After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"
What Is The Difference Between Stephen Hawking And His E-Wheelchair?
If you repair both, the E-Wheelchair is the only thing running again
Court Room
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
Trying To Pronounce Doctors Name
A coroner tried to say his doctors name, after a few tries he gives up saying "I'm sorry Doc, I can't say it right".
Doctor laughs and says "I don't care how you pronounce my name, as long as it's not dead!"
A Man Drives Through A Stop Sign..
A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.
"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."
"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"
The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the man.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!" The man screams.
"Would you like me to slow down, or stop?"
Why Are Cal Tech And MIT Constantly Fighting?
Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.
Joining The Church And . . .
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Sunday, September 24, 2017
After Much Debate Comparing Early Black Communities To Modern During All These Officer Related Shootings
They have decided water hoses weren't so bad
A Girl To Her Friend...
"isn't that guy hot? I am gonna ask him out"
"he doesn't look good when he laugh" - said the other girl
"don't worry, he won't laugh anymore"
What's The Difference Between PHP And PCP?
One makes you:
- feel numb
- see things that aren't there
- panicked and paranoid
- feel loss of control over your actions.
The other is a synthetic drug.
Just Saw A Couple Of Dudes Trying To Grab An Old Lady's Purse So I Ran Over To Help.
We got it off her eventually
Baristas Show Extreme Dedication To Their Craft.
Even if a customer cuts in line and tips poorly, they'll still pour steamed-milked rose petals into their latte.
Why Does Indiana Jones Hate The Letters ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX And Y
Because they're not Zs.
Sorry.
My Indian Taxi Driver Picked Me...
...whilst singing to his crappy punjabi music at the top of his lungs.
He smiled when I pulled out my new pair of earphones. "Looks like you came prepared," he said, laughing.
I smiled back at him and said "yes" as I put them up my nostrils.
A Bus Stops In New York And 2 Italian Men Get On.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following(italian accent):
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. '
Who talkin' bouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
My Wife Told Me I Should Go To The Gym With Her To Get In Shape, But I Suggested I Just Start With Skipping.
So far I've skipped the gym three times this week and I feel great.
A Scientist Demonstrates His New Breed Of Highly Intelligent Spider...
... To a group of researchers in his laboratory. He begins by telling the spider to move forward 5 paces, to which the spider obliges, and the impressed researchers begin to clap. He then tells the spider to move 5 paces to the right like a crab, again the spider does this. He finally tells the ant to walk in a complete circle and once again the spider does this, and the researchers begin to applaud loudly.
The scientist then says "This breed of spider has undergone many genetic experiments such that it follows my every command..." He then cuts off all of the spider's legs with a razor blade to the disgust of the researchers in the room, and he repeats the request for the spider to move forward 5 paces, which it cannot. "... as you can see, though..." the scientist continues "when I remove the spider's legs, he is rendered completely deaf."
Used to satire politicians who draw inane conclusions from statistical research, very applicable to current world affairs, and Reddit.
Pelican And Frog
A pelican spots a frog in a marsh and swallows him whole. The pelican flies off and reaches a great height. Suddenly the frog pokes his head out of the pelicans butt and yells out to the pelican "Hey,how high are we right now?", the pelican replies "About 100 meters.", to which the frog nervously replies "Are you shitting me?"
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Rick Astley
Will give you any movie in his Pixar collection except his favorite. He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
Angel's Food Vs. Devil's Food
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.
[TIL] That In Medieval England, They Believed That In Witchs' Covens, After A Failed Bid For Power, The Loser Would Be Forced To Keep The Other Witch's Clothes Blackened
As they say, in a Game of Crones, you win or you dye.
Three Stereotypical Ethnically Diverse Explorers Are Captured By Cannibals..
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are out exploring the rainforest but are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them their fate which is to eventually be killed, eaten and their skins turned into canoes. The cannibals, not wishing to appear uncivilised in all this offer each of their captives a last request. The Scotsman asks for whisky. His request is granted, he drinks it and he's hauled away. The Irishman asks for poteen, downs it and he too is hauled away to meet his fate. The Englishman asks for a fork. The chief grants this odd request and watches confused and horrified as the Englshman proceeds to violently stab himself with the fork. "Wait! Wait! We can kill you much more humanely than that!" The chief protests. "Fuck your canoe" the Englishman replies.
$100 Bill
A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it.
Bollywood Horror
bollywood horror movies are just bipasha basu doing a item no. with a third world actor
Difference Between Threesome, Foursome And Handsome Lol
A smart guy telling to his friend: bro, I know that when three persons are having sex it's called threesome. when four it's called foursome. Is it?
Then He replied, Now I realize why everyone call you Handsome.
If Eren Jaeger Is A Teenager
and he's also a titan
wouldn't that make him a.... teen titan http://imgur.com/R6lGaGL
Did You Know Gullible Came From Ancient Greek?
The prefix 'gulli' meaning 'believing' and the suffix 'ble' meaning 'ble-shit'.
Two Guys Get Pulled Over While Drinking And Driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
If You Ever Have To Go Through Job Applications, Throw Half Of Them Away Randomly
You don't want to hire anyone unlucky
A While Back I Was Walking Through The Woods And Found A Body...
He must have gotten stuck in a bear trap or something. I never told anyone about it but I came back about a week later and he was dead.
An Aspiring Hunter Enters A Lodge
An aspiring hunter enters a lodge and wants to learn the do's and don't's of hunting. He asks a buddy, "hey, how do I do this hunting thing?" His friend replies, "I shot a deer last week. I followed the tracks and it led me right to animal!" Intrigued, the aspiring hunter asks an esteemed hunter in the lodge for some tips. The esteemed hunter says, "Yup, got myself a big black bear 3 days ago. Followed the track and found it in no time."
With this knowledge, the aspiring hunter sets off on hunt.
The next day, he shows up back at the lodge in a full body cast! "Did he get rammed by a buck?" "Did he get mauled by a bear?"
Curious to know what happened, his buddy and the esteemed hunter ask him what went down. He said, "I did what you fuckers told me! I followed the tracks, but I got hit by a god-damned train!"
Friday, September 22, 2017
An Egg Walks Into A Bar.
He walks up to a beautiful woman sitting at the bar and says, "Ma'am, will you please sit on my face?"
The woman is disgusted and the bartender tells the egg to fuck off or he'll call the bouncer. The egg leaves in a hurry.
The bartender sighs in commiseration with the woman. "It's amazing what those guys will say when they're trying to get laid."
My Girlfriend Keeps Telling Me To Buy Camo Because It's Really In
But I can never find it at the store.
Thanksgiving Dinner, My Niece Couldn't Stop Talking About Her New Boyfriend...
...how they compliment each other, "We're like the Ying and Yang" so I said, "Hey I'm trying to eat here, could you please stop talking about your boyfriend's Yang?"
What's Musical And Useful At The Grocery Store?
A Chopin Liszt
Note: taken from one of those horrible "Joke of the Day" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.
So The Other Day, My Friend Told Me That I Have No Idea What Irony Meant...
Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.
If I Had A Dollar For Every White Person I Saw At Whole Foods
I'd almost have enough money for a grocery trip there
Strings
Three strings walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink, to which the bartender replies "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the second goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender replies "Look, like I've just told your friend there, we don't serve strings here." The third string huddles in with his mates and ties them around himself. He then goes up to the bartender and asks for a drink, to which the bartender replies "Listen, I'm sick of you, I've already told your mates twice, we don't serve strings here!" To which the third replies, "Yes, but I'm a frayed knot."
This is my dad's favourite joke and I've been forced to hear it a thousand times.
A Mexican Magician Says He Will Disappear On The Count Of Three. He Says, "Uno....dos....*poof*"
He disappeared without a tres
George Bush, An Old Man, A Lawyer And A Little Boy Are All On A Plane That Only Has Three Parachutes...
The pilot yells, "The plane's going to crash!"
The lawyer grabs a parachute and jumps out, yelling, "I have a lawsuit to settle!"
The pilot tells everyone that it was a false alarm, before screaming, "The plane's going to crash!" About ten minutes later.
George Bush grabs a parachute and jumps out, yelling, "I have a country to attend to!"
The pilot tells the last two that it was a false alarm, before screaming, "The plane's really going to crash!" about ten minutes later.
The old man, knowing that there were only three parachutes says to the little boy, "You take it. You have a lot more life left in you."
The little boy shakes his head and says, "George Bush took my backpack."
I Can't Get Out Of Bed
These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
A Guy Was Walking To A Bar...
...and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
I Just Learned That A Woman Can Get Pregnant Through Anal Sex.
Where do you think lawyers come from?
Let Me Clarify That I Am Not Racist. We Have A Black In My Family Tree.
We just haven't cut him down yet.
The Biker
A cop pulled over a biker
cop: I am charging you a $50 fine.
biker: why?
cop: "You can't ride a bike without your helmet on"
biker: Yes I can
cop: how?
"like this......." said the biker and drove off!
Clown Walks Into A Bar .
A clown walks into a bar with a monkey riding on a unicorn. Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender get the drink and says to the clown, I never saw a monkey riding a unicorn in my whole life. The clown says let me tell you my story. I found a brass lamp and started to clean it when a genie comes out. The genie say I'll grant you three wishes. Then I said you take me for a fool. I believe you like I believe in unicorns and talking monkeys. Then the monkey says shut up and get me a drink.
It's So Rough Where I Live ...
We don't have Jehova's witnesses, we have Jehova's bystanders (who are like "We didn't see nothing")
I Was Sat In The Waiting Room, Absolutely Bricking It About My Son's Operation.
When suddenly a doctor emerged out of the operation room and started walking towards me.
He sat down next to me, and before he could get a word in edgeways, I blurted, "How much longer has he got?"
"About three inches, I think he fancies one of the surgeons." he informed me.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
The Genius Plan To Fix India's Dire Financial Situation.
In the early 20th century the Indian government hired a group of highly successful MBA graduates to brainstorm a solution to India's woeful finances. One says...
"I have an idea! We hold a raffle and sell the tickets for mere rupees, that way every Indian no matter how poor can enter, millions of Indians all buying tickets, it will be a huge step in the right direction".
It was agreed amongst the group that this was by far the best idea to see great financial gains over the shortest time frame and took the idea to the government.
The government loved it and began the raffle as soon as they could. After a year of selling millions and millions of raffle tickets it was time to draw. A stage was built, loud speakers lined the streets of New Dehli and radio broadcasters had come from all over the country. One of India's most beautiful women was hired to reach in to the mountainous barrel to pluck the lucky winners tickets.
She reaches in and grabs the first one, hands it to the Prime Minister...
"Ticket number one million seven hundred and three thousand and twenty six" could be heard booming through the speakers in the streets.
"IT'S ME" yells a little old man right towards the back. He runs for an hour to get to the stage to claim his prize.
"it's me, it's me, see look at my ticket, I won I won, I can't believe it, I've won" he cries.
"Yes you have won, and what a prize" says the Prime minister. "You have won a year long vacation for you and your immediate family, sailing around the world, first class on the most elegant ships, all expenses paid"
"Oooh I can't belive it" sobs the little old man.
The beautiful woman reaches in to the barrel again.
"It is ticket two hundred and eleven" says the Prime Minister.
"IT'S ME" yells a man in the middle of the crowds. "IT'S ME, IT'S ME, I'VE WON" he cries in disbelief.
He races to the stage
"it's me it's me. I've won I've won" he can be heard chanting "oh my, what have I won?" he asks the Prime minister.
"a fruit cake"
"WHAAAT.... A FRUIT CAKE!" yells the Indian man angrily.
"A fruit cake? But third prize was an all expenses paid holiday for a year and I get a fruit cake?"
"Ahhh" says the prime minister. "This is a special fruit cake, it was baked by Madame Gandhi"
"FUCK MADAME GANDHI"
"oh no no no, you can't be having first prize"
One Time I Approached Two Big Girls At A Bar
I noticed thieve got strong accents, so I ask "Are you two from Scotland?"
One turns and shouts "Its wales you idiot!"
"oh Sorry!" I say, "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Arguing With A Tumblrina Is Like Playing Chess With A Pigeon...
No matter how good you are, they'll just flip the board over and shit everywhere.
Guys We Should Stop Saying These Mexican Jokes... (To Be Said After Few Mexican Jokes)
We're crossing the border
When An Idiot Takes Revenge.
A man heard a knock on his door and opened it to find his daughter crying, she had a bruise on her eye. "What happened?!" he asked. "I broke a glass and my husband punched me" she sobbed. The man then slapped his daughter, went to the door and called her husband. "I heard what you did to my daughter, so I took revenge" "What did you do?" the husband replied. "I slapped your wife"
Henry David Thoreau Walks Into A Bar.
The bartender says: We don't serve your kind here! Thoreau replies: Walden.
I'll see myself out.
A Helicopter I Know Was Really Frustrated After Trying To Grow His Facial Hair Out
His beard was Apache one
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
This Guy Driving A New Mercedes
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says,
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
The Name's Carmen
A man at a bar approaches a woman and asks her name, she replies "Carmen, but it used to Brittany."
"Brittany is a pretty name, why'd you change it?" He asked. She told him "Well, I like cars and I like men, so it just seemed fitting."
So he told her, "Good to meet you Carmen, I'm Boobfuck."
I Was Shocked To Walk In On My Son Playing With His Privates...
Those toy soldiers were supposed to be his surprise birthday gift...
A Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
The Value Of Two Quarters
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
A Woman Gets On A Bus With Her Baby.
As she gets on, the bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Knights And Dragons Must Have Been The First Rappers.
After all, dragons spit fire, and knights slay.
A Blonde Is Walking In The Woods At Night And Hears Something Move But Cannot See What It Is..
The blonde shouts, "Whose there!?"
An owl replies, "Woo!"
She answers, "You! Who are you?"
The owl again replies, "Woo!"
She says again, "You! Who are you?"
The owl again replies, "Woo!"
She says again, "You! Who are you?"
The owl again replies, "Woo!"
She says again, "You! Who are you?"
The owl... Are you really still reading this?
A Kid On The Beach Was Digging A Hole...
His grandfather asked him if he was digging to hell.
"No," the boy replied. "I'm digging to China!"
"China, hell, who cares? It's all the same."
I regret nothing.
Have You Heard Of The, Great, Ancient Greek Philosopher Mediocrates?
His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"
Theory Vs Reality
A boy comes home with the assignment of learning theory vs reality. So he asks his dad for help. "Ok son, ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million bucks." Kid comes back and says "Yeah dad she would." "Ok now ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Kid ask his mom. "Mom said she sure would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Dad says "Now in THEORY we have two million dollars, in REALITY..... we live with a couple of whores."
A Woman Goes To The Doctor Worried About Her Husband's Temper
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
A Man And His Friend Walk Into A Bar And See 5 Roosters...
A man and his friend walk into a bar and see 5 black roosters and two white cats. He asks his friend "between the five roosters how many feet do they have?"
His friend responds "Ten of course!"
"Right, and between the roosters how many beaks do they have?"
"Five of course!"
"Right! And between the two white cats how many whiskers do they have?"
His friend looks confused for a minute... "I have no idea."
"So... How do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
Developers With New Game Ideas
"Ok I got it. Here's my epic title. Patent pending! Subjugate The Rest of the World...sounds fun right?"
Where do I have to travel to play this game?
Why Does It Suck To Work For The NSA During The Winter?
Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
Why Did The Honeydew And The Watermelon Decide To Have A Big Family Church Wedding?
Because they Cantelope...
(haha...get it?)
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
I Saved 15% On Car Insurance By Switching....
The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident
Little Johnny And God
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "Fuck this," "Fuck that." The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us." "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest." Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"
LPT: If Someone Is Stubbornly Blocking The Isle At The Supermarket With Their Shopping Cart THINK Before Trying To Ram Them.
You might be standing in front of a mirror. :/
Little Johnny
One morning little Johnny and his father was walking down the road when little Johnny saw a beetle on the ground with its feet up. Johhny asked his father, "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", and his dad responds, "The beetle died and it will be easier for God to pick it up and take it to heaven." This makes Johnny cry and he begins to explain to his dad why. "Mom is going to die! This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming 'Oh God I'm coming', luckily the neighbor was there holding her down"
Who Are The Fastest Readers In The World?
The people in the world trade center, these mother fuckers blew threw a hundred stories in two seconds!
What Do A 9 Volt Battery And A Woman's Asshole Have In Common?
You know you don't want to, but eventually you are going to lick them both
Muslim Feminist Was Explaining How Women And Men Are Equal In Islam
"You see, women have to cover their hair and their entire bodies.
"And to be equal, men have to.. uh.. wear shorts"
applause
Is Google Male Or Female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A Man Talks To His Boss Asking If He Can Take The Day Off...
"Sir! I need to take the day off today, I'm going to be a father!"
His boss, having a wife and 2 kids, understands what he's going through. "Of course, take the day off."
The next day he comes into work, and the boss asks "so how'd the delivery go?"
The man replies, "I don't know but we'll find out in 9 months."
Why Are Twilight Fans Obsessed With It?
Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.
Monday, September 18, 2017
A Neutron Walks Into A Bar
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Some Of The Southern States Seem Like They're At Least 90% Christian.
And that's just roughly a Conservative estimate.
Why Is It Impossible To Argue With Trump?
Because the Earth's rotation automatically makes a circle jerk out of him
What Do You Call A Muslim Girl Dating An Agnostic Guy?
For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name..
I Asked A Chinese Girl For Her Number.....
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A Male Genital Goes To School
The teacher says, "What is 2 plus 2?" "4?" said the genital. "Yes! That is cor-erect!"
Make Sure You Get Your Ham Early For Christmas...
Because thanks to Putin there will be no Turkey left.
I Bet You Didn't Know...
I bet you didn't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.
What Do You Call A Female Fisherman?
Nothing. You tell Bob that he can't wear that fucking skirt and make up on the fucking boat!
Can Anyone Tell Me Where The Aby Sea Is?
Someone said pirates can't learn the alphabet, but I be having some difficulties navigating through the Aby Sea part.
Thanksgiving With The Snail Family
I had the snail family from next door over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, they are still feeling sluggish this morning.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
I Don't Believe In Stereotypes.
Because that would mean all Asians would be driving big or expensive vehicles to make up for their penis size.
A Surfer Tries To Tell His Spanish Teacher That An Aquatic Mammal Ate His Textbook.
Teacher: Dude, are you serious?
Surfer: Dolphin ate libra!
Four Engineers Get Into A Car.
The car won't start.
The mechanical engineer says: "There must be a problem with the gear box."
The electrical engineer says: "It must have a broken starter."
The chemical engineer says: "There must be something wrong with the fuel"
The IT engineer says: "Hey, let's all get out of the car and get back in."
As An African-American, Iam Shocked At How Many Black Holidays We Have Here.
We have Black Friday, Black history month, whenever a Tyler Perry movie comes out, etc
The Honeymoon
For several years during the summer I worked at this cabin retreat right on the lake. Every weekend Ron would rent a cabin for the weekend. The routine was pretty much the same, he would come in Friday night to check in and be out on the lake fishing before dawn and stay out until after sunset.
One day Ron calls for his reservation but wants to upgrade because he just got married and they are going to spend their honeymoon at the cabins. Since he has been a regular customer for years we go out of our way to add some special touches to the cabin for the occasion.
Friday night rolls around and he checks in like always. The next morning just before dawn I see him loading his boat with a full day's provisions but I don't see the new wife.
Ron was not the easiest guy to talk to, but I was curious as to why he would be fishing alone on his honeymoon. So I said "Hi Ron. Surprised to see you out here today. Thought you would be in bed tearing it up".
Ron responds "Nope. She's got a bout of the chlamydia.".
Kinda shocked by his openess, I say "Well, there is always the back door until it clears up I guess".
Ron says, "Nope. She's got the gonorrhea back there".
Now feeling really awkward I say "Well, I guess there is always a BJ".
He reponds "Nope. She has the herpes on her mouth. Don't want no sores."
Without thinking I blurt out "Dude, why on Earth did you marry this girl?
Ron grins and says," Well, she has worms too and you know how I love to fish"
Sunday School
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Yo Momma Is Like A Cough Syrup Prescription.
Nasty, wet, and just waiting to be filled.
I'll show myself out.
So Donald Trump Wants To Be President And Move Into The White House. Why Not?
It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast
What Is The Similarity Between Household Chores And Anal?
You don't want to do it but your dad gives it to you anyways.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Money Or Sex
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
Oldest Known British Joke From 10th Century AD.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key
Service Man!
So my stove broke and I ordered a service man to come out and fix it.
He turned out to be german. This is how the conversation went.
Service man: Hulu, I'm here to fix the stove. Can you Shomi where it is?
Me: Great, come in. It's right over there.
Service man: Can you help me Sling this stove so we can pull it out?
Service man turns it on to see the problem.
Service man: Oh I see, it makes a Crackle when I turn it on.
So he tries to fix it, but its not working so he calls his boss and you can tell that his boss is giving him grief and they start arguing.
Service man on the phone: I cannot fix it...............Well what Vudu to fix it............Bah fine?
When he hangs up the phone
Me: What was that all about?
Service man: That was my boss. He is having a big Hoopla about this job. I don't know what he wants me to do. I can Netflix it. Its toast.
Me: Is your boss always that angry?
Service man: Yes, he gets this weird Twitch when he's mad.
Me: It's alright man, do you want anything to drink?
Service man: Viewster are a kind host.
So I tried to pay him for his services.
Service man: Oh no! You don't have to Vimeo money. I couldn't fix it.
So he packs up his tools and heads for the door.
Me: Oh it looks like its raining outside.
Service man: Yes there is a Torrent outside. You can see the water Streaming down the road.
Service man as he steps onto my porch: Oh look you have a package from Amazon Prime here.
Me: Oh thankyou.
Me: Ok bye, thanks for coming.
Service man: Veoh later.
Always Be Sure To Pay The Priest Who Performs The Exorcism On Your Property.
Or they'll come back and re-possess your house.
What's The Difference Between A Sperm Bank And An Regular Bank?
When you start to make deposits at the sperm bank, you loose interest
A Professor Of Mathematics And A Professor Of Physics Are In The Staff Room ...
A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction.
Years later, the same two professors are in the same staff room when again the coffee machine bursts into flames. This time, the Mathematics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher, hands the extinguisher to the Physics Professor and says : I have reduced the given problem to a previously solved one.
Atheist Sam's Grand-daughter Saudi
Atheist Sam gets an email that his new grand-daughter is named Saudi. His first response?
Jesus!
I'm Hungary
I'm Russian to the Czech the kitchen
Maybe you'll find Turkey
It's covered in Greece D:
Eww, Norway your going to eat that
I think I'll settle for a can of Chile
I want some Chile too!
Denmark your name on it
Kenya do it for me
All right I'm Ghana do it
Thanks, Iran 5 miles today, so tired
Apparently, One In Every Two And A Half Men Has HIV.
Sorry, Charlie. Though I can't say I'm surprised.
Two Markets Were Flying...
...next to each other, when one of them says to the other:
"Hey, markets can't fly!"
He fell to the ground, but the other one was still flying. Why?
Because he was a supermarket.
I Like To Plant My Herbs In Alphabetical Order.
People ask me 'Where do you find the time?' I say 'It's right there next to the sage'
A Pack Of Camels
So on my last trip to Egypt I was wandering around the desert when I came across a man with his camels. He was atop a stool underneath the camels with what appeared to be two bricks in his hands. As I was watching, the man took the two bricks and brought them smashing together, crushing the camels nuts. I'm assuming to castrate the animal. I ran over and shouted
"Holy shit doesn't that hurt?!" He turned to me and laughed. "No, I move my thumbs."
Give A Man A Rock, You Entertain Him For A Day. Teach A Man To Rock...
...I don't need to really have a punchline, right? You can see where this is going.
Rush Limbaugh And His Chauffeur....
.....were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
President Bush Is Sitting In A Cabinet Meeting...
One of his intelligence officers enters and tells him, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
The President exclaims, "Oh my God!" and buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is shocked. The President receives reports like this on a daily basis, and doesn't flinch.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian?!"
What Is The Difference Between A Paul Blart Mall Cop Movie And A Mosquito?
If you slap the mosquito it will stop sucking.
Food Scientists Are Reportedly Working On A New Helium-infused Dough
Which is great, in case you knead to get high.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Right And Wrong
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
Animal Jokes
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
I Went To The Library And Asked If They Had Any Books On Schrdinger's Cat And Pavlov's Dog.
The librarian said that they may or may not have it, but that it rings a bell.
What's The Difference Between Jared Fogle's Divorce And Other Divorces?
Most married couples tried to stay together FOR the kids. Not divorce because of them.
He Is Everywhere.
In chatroom about chuck norris
User3456: "Man Chuck Norris sucks balls!"
User6786: "Careful about what you say man.. he hears and sees everything. I bet he is standing right behind you as we speak."
User3456: "Yeah right!, what is he gonna do? smash my head on the keyboat90u7yytuy09yttrdy6u79;rtd231tgrhzc/;23"
User6786: "Are you still there?"
User3456: went offline
A Guy Walks Into A Bookstore...
and asks the clerk, "do you have the new book by Donald Trump about deporting all the Muslims in the U.S.?"
Stunned, the clerk responds, "are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here!"
"That's it! Do you have it in paperpack?"
If You Give A Man A Fish, He Eats For A Day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat. If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Back In Homer's Time It Was Thought That Ingesting Small Burrowing Mammals Would Cure You Of Any Injury.
When the prince of Troy was shot with an arrow the doctor prescribed Paris eat a mole.
Two Campers And A Bear
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
Why Doesn't Mr.Sodium Like To Spend Time With Mr.H20?
Because they always get in to heated arguments.
A Gigolo Who Has Never Had Unpaid Sex Gets His First Male Client.
After their session the gigolo says to the man: "That was amazing, you have made me realize that I have always been a homosexual; for this your session will be free of charge. For the first time in my life I am pro-boner."
Thursday, September 14, 2017
The Rich Need It, The Homeless Has It And If You Eat You'll Die.
Answear: Nothing! The rich don't need anything, the homeless has nothing and if you eat nothing you'll die.
A Bulgarian, French And US Soldier Died And Went To Hell.
The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal:
I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation.
Having no other option, the soldiers agreed.
For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with.
So the soldiers did.
The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka.
For the second task - shove them up your as and fire them once.
The Bulgarian shoved the little gun up his backside, pulled the trigger and instantly was granted wings and ascended to heaven. Seeing this, the Frenchman started pushing the bazooka in. As the devil watched, he saw that the soldier will push-cry-laugh, push-cry-laugh...
Why are you crying?
Asked the devil.
I'm in pain.
Then, why are you laughing?
Oh, don't mind me... The American is bringing a tank.
A Greek Businessman Goes To Germany
to buy machinery for his new business and goes to a visit to the factory from where he plans to buy the machinery, and the Manager of that Factory is giving him a tour around and suddenly with the whistle he has he whistles once and at that very moment hundreds of workers stop working. Surprised the Greek asks him what is going on. The German says oh nothing important, they are told they can leave now for lunch. Moments later the German whistles again twice and all the workers come back to their workplaces. The greek goes nuts. German says he has no time to loose but wants talk business, asks tge Greek "Have you already decided about the machinery you want to buy". The Greek says fuck the Machinery, How much for that whistle?
Two Women
are released from the prison after spending together 15 years in the same cell, the moment they are outside and say goodbye to each other, jenny yells to her friend "Hey wait! I forgot to tell you something"
Margret Thatcher Walks Up To The Pearly Gates
Saint Peter looks at her and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
A Father And A Son
one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God I am coming, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down" sorry english not my first language.
Paris Jokes
I have had these jokes since the beginning of the Paris attacks Why are the French so bright? Because they were lit up
Some French people wondered what was the thing headed strait for them then it hit them
Looks like they had a blast
Man these French people are everywhere now
When I heard about the Paris attacks I was blown away
The pope is going to visit France as the people are now holey
A Horny Stonemason Began Attempting To Drill A Hole In My Back With His Penis. [NSFW]
I was deeply impressed.
Don't You Hate How Long Girls Take To Dress Before Goin' Clubbin?
my girlfriend took like an hour to pick out which hijab she wanted to wear... sigh
A Daughter Tells Her Father She Wants To Go See A 50 Cent Concert.
The father says " ok heres a dollar take, take your brother too."
A Man Was Eaten When He Attempted To Tell A Joke Directly To A Crocodile's Mouth.
He didn't live to tell the tail.
My Friend Just Sent This To Me...
On a New York sidewalk, an Indian is enjoying a hearty breakfast "Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc"
While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation.
American: You Indians eat the whole bread?
Indian: Ofcourse!
American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we don't.
We, Americans only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to India.
American: Do you eat jam with bread?
Indian: Ofcourse!
American: We don't.
We eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to India.
Indian: Do you have sex in America?
American: Ofcourse, we do!
Indian: What do you do with the condoms?
American: We throw them, of course!
Indian: We don't. In India, we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America!
Khaalllaaaaasssss ...😂
Edward And Tobias
A farmer had a decent racing horse that one day had twins. He called the twins Edward and Tobias. The colts were incredibly healthy and competitive, from a young age they would run together. Whenever the farmer would lay out some new hay or corn feed, the two colts would race, pushing each other as hard as they could to see who would win. Tobias always won, but it was always a close race. The farmer, noticing how competitive they were, decided to enter them in a racing competition.
Their first race both horses were very excited. Ed said to Tobias “Good luck, may the best horse win.” Tobias responded “Same to you, let’s beat these other guys!”
Well the race started and Tobias and Edward took off, taking an early lead. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. The other horses were completely destroyed in comparison.
“Good race!” Edward told Tobias, and Tobias agreed.
The farmer realized that he had made bank, that somehow he found two golden tickets. He entered the horses into many other local competitions and every time his horses would destroy the other horses. It always ended with Tobias barely beating Edward.
Eventually the two horses found themselves in a larger arena. They were at the state fair. Edward turned to Tobias and said “I’ll get you this time!” Tobias responded “Meh, I don’t actually care if you or I win, so long as we beat these other idiots!” Another horse snorts Edward said, “Good luck!” Tobias responded “You have good luck too!”
The race started and Tobias and Edward took out of the gates. It was a tough race; the other horses were able to keep up with Edward and Tobias for the first lap. But the two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had a lead over the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win.
Panting, Edward congratulated Tobias.
A few years went by and now Edward and Tobias were professional race horses. Their competition put them in the spot light of many the newspaper. Ever was Tobias the main headline though. Even as they got older, Tobias would always beat Edward.
One day they found themselves in the Kentucky Derby. In the starting gates, Edward turned to Tobias and said “I will get you this time, I know it! This is the race, here, in front of all these people.” Tobias responded “We’ll see brother, first we have to beat these other horses. None of them are poor runners either.” “Agreed,” Edward responded, “But it would be nice to beat you just once.” “You’ve always been the one who pushed me so hard.” Tobias responded. Edward said back, “And you’re the reason I’ve always worked so hard too.” Another horse vomited in its starting gate.
The gun went off, the gates opened up. Tobias and Edward took off. They were trailing the leaders, but didn’t seem to mind, they were in their own world. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead. By now they had caught up with the other horses. On the third and final lap, close to finish, though Edward was leading, Tobias managed to pull ahead and take the win. It finished with Tobias in first and Edward a very, very close second with another horse right behind him. It was such a close race it came down to verifying with a photograph. Edward turned to Tobias, “I can’t believe you beat me, I tried so hard. Still, we just won the Kentucky Derby!!”
Years later, after living luxurious lives where they were pampered by the farmer who found them and long after they were retired, Tobias turned to Edward and said. “Do you want to have one final race, for old time’s sake?” Edward responded, “I never could beat you, I always wanted to have a chance to do so, just to know what it feels like to win.” Tobias said “Tell you what, why don’t we have a race? Just like back when we were colts; let’s run to that feed mill over there and back to this fence three times.” Edward said “I don’t think I could take loosing again, after all this time, coming in second. I don’t know if I would want to live after another loss. I don’t have that much life in me any more.” Tobias said, “Tell you what, if it comes down to it, if it is really close, I’ll let you win. Just so you can know what it feels like. Yeah, it won’t be ‘real’ but you’ll get to know.” Edward agreed.
“Ready, set, GO!” And both horses were off. The two horses kept pushing each other. It went back and forth, Tobias passing Edward, Edward passing Tobias. It was almost as though the two old horses had the vitality of their youth again. The first lap finished with Tobias having a slight lead. The second lap finished with him still having a small lead again. On the third and final lap, close to finish, Edward was leading. It looked like he had the race in the bag. But suddenly Tobias seemed to get another final wind and he pushed ahead. He beat Edward. Tobias started prancing, victoriously, Edward, his soul crushed, lay down on the ground.
The old farmer’s dog, who had known both horses since their infancy, came up to Tobias and said, “Tobias, why would you do that? Why would you crush your brother’s hopes and dreams like that? There was nothing riding on this race, no point. Why? Why? Why would you do that?”
Upon hearing the dog, Edward stood up, he looked at his brother and said “Holy Shit, Toby, a talking dog!”
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
So I Went To My First Fight Club Gathering
I arrived a little late, so i did not catch the first part, but i had a great time. I recommend it to everybody.
Getting The Promotion [NSFW]
A woman enters her boss's office asking for a promotion...
Woman: I feel I'm in line for a promotion.
Boss: Hmm. Ok. Give me a 20 minute blowjob and I'll give you the promotion.
She gets on her knees and blows him for 20 minutes.
Boss: See that wasn't so bad was it?
Woman: No. But it kind of tasted like shit.
Boss: David asked for a raise this morning.
I'm Sorry For Your Loss.
There was a man who riding his motorcycle from work. It started raining so water started leaking through his jacket zipper. Not wanting to get his shirt wet, he stops and turns his jacket backwards thinking the air wouldn't let water to leak in while he's riding. He gets back on and rides home. While he is riding, he gets in an accident and crashes. Soon after the ambulance comes and they call his wife. "Is my husband okay?" She asks. "Did he get hurt badly in the crash." The person calling her sadly says. "Your husband was fine after the crash, he had potential. You know, knocked out. But when we tried to turn his neck the right way is when he died. I'm sorry for your loss."
Why Does Paris Have The Best Theaters?
The audience is always dead quiet....
Looks like i'm going to hell.
Dallas Cowboys
Why do you have to repeat things you say to Dez Bryant?
He doesn't always catch it the first time.
Buying Brains
This joke takes place in the very distant future, so distant that shops exist where ordinary people can walk in and buy the brains of famous people from the past.
Three guys walk into one such shop and begin to look around. The first guy spots Michael Jackson's brain on the shelf, so he asks the cashier "Hey, I see Michael Jackson's brain up here. How much do you want for it?" The cashier says "How about 25 thousand?" The guy pays accordingly and walks out with Michael Jackson's brain. The second guy sees Stephen Hawking's brain on the shelf and asks the cashier how much it will be. The cashier says "Mmmm. How about 60 thousand?" The guy produces 600 bills (Hammerspace exists here too, ok? ;D) and walks out with Stephen Hawking's brain. The third guy sees Donald Trump's brain on the shelf and asks "Hey, I see Donald Trump's brain up here. How much for that?" The cashier replies "Oh, that'll be only 6 billion dollars" The guy, knowing his hammerspace can't hold that much money, utters in disbelief "What!? There's... there's no way that can be right!"
The cashier replies "It's in mint condition. Never been used"
Source - My dad. Made it up on the spot.
My Girlfriend...
My girlfriend seems to think everything she says is tremendously funny and it makes her quite oblivious to more pressing issues. Like the other day during a phone call, she was unfazed in regards to my screams as my disgruntled lovers stabbed me repeatedly, all the while I'm yelling at her, "Honey, my sides are killing me!"
My 13 Year Old Told Me This Joke....
Him: I want to start a dating website for Indians.... Me: a dating website for indians? [scratching my head wtf] Him: yeah I am going to call it connect the dots.
100 Lashes
These three men were arrested and forced to get 100 lashes. The executioner let them each have one thing to stop their pain. The first man says I would like a pillow on my back. The second man says I want the lashes to be weak. The last man says I want 1000 lashes. The executioner looks surprised until the third man finished his sentence: with my mother in law strapped to my back
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Help Me Find A Thread About Disgusting Jokes
I read a thread..maybe three-four nights ago about "What is your most disgusting? off color? gross? joke". I laughed out loud in bed, annoying the sleeping gf multiple times. I can't find the thread anywhere, to show the now awake and approachable gf. It had numerous comments...and the jokes were amazingly deplorable. Can anyone track this down?
Cinderblock The Hippo
Three baby hippos and their mother were all standing together, talking. The first baby hippo asked, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mother answered, "Because, when you were born, a rose fell onto your head."
The next asked, "Mom, why is my name Violet?"
The mother replied, "Because, when you were born, a violet fell onto your head."
The final made a few odd grunting noises, and splayed mucus everywhere.
The mother rolled her eyes and yelled, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Why Does Irish Bean Soup Have Exactly 239 Beans In It?
(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.
The Aggie's Time Machine
After years of research and tinkering, the old Aggie professor finally finished his time machine.
"What are you going to do first, prof?" asked his student.
"Well, I reckon I'll go back time and kill Adolf Hitler."
So he gets in the machine, turns it on, there's a loud whirring noise, some smoke, and finally a burst of light. The professor looks disheveled.
"What happened, professor?"
"Well, it wasn't easy, but I found that sonofabitch Hitler hiding out in a bunker, so I shot him in the head, and made it look like a suicide!"
New Girlfriend (61)
(pensively):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Sheena, because I just added the song "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" to my favourites playlist.
(lightheartedly):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
(Laugh Track)
(Joke sponsored by Al Tebehalah's Discount Lobotomies)
Dad Jokes - My Time Has Come.
Whelp my son is 7 months old and I made my first dad joke to my wife the other day... How long did it take you other guys out there to hit the dad joke stage in your life?
So I Thought I Was Going To Buy A TV This Weekend...
Turns out I'm just sick of all these shitty forced puns on /r/Jokes.
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Was On Trial For Masturbating To Obscure Court Cases?
He got off on a technicality.
How Many Philosophers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Well it depends on what you mean by change.
I Have A Friend From Armenia Who Disagrees With Everything I Say Just For The Heck Of It.
He's such a Contrarian.