those who do understand binary and those who don't.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Saturday, April 30, 2016
EAR ACCIDENT
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
A Man Was Late For A Business Meeting
so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.
It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.
"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.
"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.
"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid"
Why Is It Best To Ask Photographers Personal Questions At Night? (X-post R/photography)
Because they open up when it gets dark.
My Neighbors Have Really Overgrown Trees In Their Yard And Keep Their Curtains Down All The Time
I think that's pretty shady
An Awful Row Has Broken Out At The Morse Code Convention...
Delegates are prepared to draw a line under it, then a dot then another line
I Want To Tell You A FedEx Joke
But all the other ones didnt deliver. So i think i'll go with UPS instead.
New Study Shows Women Who Sleep More Have Better Sex In Average.
Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby, so the results may be a bit skewed.
My Friend Payed Me To Write A Construction Jobs For Him.
It's still a work in progress, just trying to get it hammered out. You know what, I think I just nailed it.
Justin Bieber Has Been Kidnapped!
They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.
How Can You Tell When You Are Talking To An Extroverted Engineer?
They look at your feet instead of theirs.
Why Does The Lemon Feel Uncomfortable Making Friends Outside Of Tumblr?
Because it has cis-trust issues
A Rabbi, A Lawyer, And A Priest Are On A Cruise Ship As It Starts To Sink...
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"
Dr Watson Asks Sherlock Holmes...
"Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?"
"Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry"
Caught My Wife Of 7 Years Cheating With My Best Friend.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Orders Three Shots Of The Bartender's Finest Whiskey...
The bartender asks, "So what's the occasion?" The guy says "I just experienced my first blowjob." "Wow!" the bartender says, "Congratulations. Why don't you have a fourth shot, on the house." The guy says, "Naw, if three shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think four will."
Friday, April 29, 2016
The Newest Studies Show That...
approximately 50% of all armless people have no rights, yet none acts.
A Women Accepted To Play With Her Son. She Was Shocked When Her Son Said This.
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play"
Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with"
Mom: "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son: "Let's play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said OK and went upstairs, the son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom: "Now what do I do"
Mom: "Get you ass out of bed and fix that kid some freaking ice cream."
Sam, William, Richard And Ridge Are Sitting In An English Class.
Sam, William, Richard and Ridge are sitting in an English class and things are getting pretty boring. They're discussing the Victorian Period.
Ridge is a math major, and he starts determining how much money it would cost to print the words on William's book on a giant plaque. William is making fun of him for being nerdy, and Sam is laughing at him because he is also a math guy.
Ridge begins having a panic attack because it's getting too hard to do, the equation is getting intense and he begins sweating profusely. He starts heating up and goes into a heat stroke. "The only way to fix it is to finish the equation and find out how much the words are worth!" he screams.
Richard, being the natural leader, takes over and yells at Sam to finish the equation: "Sam, you'll cool Ridge with William's words' worth!"
The teacher shouts "This is the Victorian Period, not the Romantics!"
...I am SO SORRY. I.. This hurt me to type.
A Man Stormed Into My Barbershop, Claiming He'd Gotten Fleas From Coming Here...
So I checked. Just as I suspected, it was all lice.
Fun Fact
By law, fun facts don't have to be true, but actual facts do. Just a fun fact I thought I'd share.
So A Newlywed Couple Get Into A Fight.
They fight for hours and hours, finally they end up going to bed. In the morning they're still hostile towards each other and the wife says,
"I had a dream last night that I was at a penis auction."
To which the husband replies,
"Yeah? Was mine there?"
"Yeah it was. It didn't do well at all, too small."
The husband, now a little annoyed said,
"It's funny you mentioned that because I had a dream I was at a vagina auction last night."
"Is that right? Was mine there?"
The husband smiles,
"Yeah, it's where we held it."
[NSFW] You're Fucked Now
So a guy is walking along the beach enjoying the sun when he stumbles past a girl crying.
He walks up to the crying girl and notices that she has no arms and legs.
He asks, "why are you crying"
The girl responds, "I've never kissed a guy before"
After the guy hears this he leans down, kisses the girl and walks away
As he walks away he hears the girl crying once more. He back tracks and asks the girl again, "Why are you crying"
The girl responds, "I've never been fingered before"
After hearing this the guy lays down next to the girl and begins to finger her. After a short while he gets up, walks away, and again hears sobbing again
He walks back to her and asks, "What is it now"
She responds, "I've never been fucked before"
Frustrated, the guy picks her up, throws her in the ocean and shouts
"You're fucked now"
A Frenchman, An American, And An Irishman Are In A Bar
A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer and he says "Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more!" and he pushes it away.
A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American's beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says "It's just a fly, no big deal." and continues drinking it.
Several more minutes go by and yet another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He suddenly jumps up, picks up the fly and angrily yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"
What Does A Guy Who's Never Had Sex And Feminists Have In Common
they both get annoyed when you start talking about all the girls you've sleep with
A Few Of My Favorite Anti Jokes.
What's green and has 4 wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels
What's worse than 1 bee sting?
2 bee stings, what's worse than 2 bee stings?
The Haulocaust, what's worse than the Holocaust?
3 bee stings
Where does a black Jew sit?
The back of the oven
Thursday, April 28, 2016
I Wanted To Tell You A FedEx Joke...
But there was already one yesterday, and I don't want you to get FedUp.
I'm Using Internet Explorer To Post This, So It Might Be A Bit Delayed...
But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.
World's Best Vacuum Cleaner
A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.
Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.
She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".
I Think Every Guy Has Tucked Their Genitalia Between Their Legs To Pretend They Have A Vagina.
But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.
"Wanna Hear A Chemistry Joke?"
"Na, man, I'm good."
"Wow, you didn't have to get salty over it."
(Chemically inaccurate but who cares, right?)
Arriving In Heaven!
A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches and says, "Can I help you?"
The man replies, "No thanks."
He continues to stand on the clouds.
"Are you sure I can't help you?" says Saint Peter.
"No. That's fine," says the man.
Several minutes pass before Saint Peter approaches the man again.
"Look," he says, "You do realize that if you're here, you're dead - right?"
"Oh I realize that," replies the man.
"You realize that," Saint Peter repeats.
The man points down through the clouds, "I'm just waiting for the Medics down there to realize that!"
A Border Patrol Officer Stops A Mexican Immigrant...
...on his way in to the U.S. He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay" The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"
Promiscuous Women And Wal-Mart Have A Lot In Common...
A lot of people will hate on them and say how much they think its wrong or they dont like it, but at the end of the day, if its 4 am and you're inside of one you're gonna thank god they exist. Plus afterwards you're always showered with regret and guilt but you keep doing it anyway because you have no self control.
Boy: Camp Counselor, Is It True That In Some Places They Don't Wipe After Using The Toilet?
boy: camp counselor, is it true that in some places they don't wipe after using the toilet?
jared: shh... let's not talk while making love.
Doctor Vs Mechanic
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.
He went to him & said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???"
Classic reply by Doctor: The doctor smiled at the engineer, came close to his ear and said, "Try the same when the engine is running."
The story doesn't end here. The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor's ear and said, "I can pick any dead engine and make it alive... But can you ???"
Classic or EPIC???
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
A Politician Dies...
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Grandmothers Are Not Always Right?
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings. My grandmother would tell me, "You're next" However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Most Terrifying Sound
Three retired old gents, raconteurs all, were sitting around the National Geographic's Explorer Club, sippin' on some 25 year old scotch and spinning tall tales from their past, when the oldest asked, "What was the most terrifying sound they ever heard ?"
The first old man said, "I was in Africa and got separated in the bush from my guide and hunting party and suddenly heard a deafening noise, a herd of wild elephants thundering right at me and I had no place to hide."
The second gent said, "I was an air force fighter pilot and was flying from New York to London and was over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean when the jet engine on my plane began making the most sickening sounds I had ever heard anything mechanical make, like it was breaking apart and about to quit."
The third man, the one who had asked the question said, "I have the worst one of all. I was having an affair with this married woman that lived in Hollywood Hills and her husband surprised us, coming home early from an out of town trip, and caught us, naked going at it in their bedroom. I jumped up, ran to the window and tried to jump out."
The old man paused, was sipping a bit of scotch, when one the other two men asked, "Well, so what was the terrifying sound?"
He replied, "Just a minute. This is a little hard for me to relive."
After a short pause, he took a deep breath and continued, "Well I was more than half-way out the window but the woman's husband had grabbed me by the testicles as I was falling ! So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the worst sound I ever heard happened. It was the clicking sound of a man trying to open a pocket knife with his teeth!"
Dumbledore Turns To Mcgonagall
"Minerva, you're such a dear friend. There's something I've been meaning to share with you. You see, Minerva I'm gay."
Professor Mcgonagall looking quite shocked meets his eye,
"Why albus, you must be joking!"
"NO, minerva. I'm fucking Sirius"
My Name Carmen !!
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck."
My Friend
I challenged my friend that if he is able to eat one hundred Gulabjamuns. I were ordered and the friend ate all the hundred, and got a hundred rupee note also. I asked, “Well, it is good, that you have won the bet, but I cannot understand why you asked for an hour’s time. He replied, “I had gone home to do rehearsal whether I can eat that number”
Error. Not Long Enough
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A Joke About Successful Marriage
A couple went to the Middle East for their honeymoon. Feeling adventurous, the couple decides to go camel riding.
The wife 's camel is uneasy and loses it balance, upsetting the wife.
"That's ONE", said the wife
The husband looked at his wife, confused at her comment, but decided to say nothing.
After a while the camel stuttered again, this time kicking sand into the wife's eyes.
"That's TWO", said the wife, now clutching her eyes.
Again the husband decided to say nothing.
Once more the camel tripped this time throwing the wife off its back. The women calmly got up, took out a gun, and shot the camel, killing it instantly. She then gathered her stuff and got onto her husband's camel.
This time the husband decided to speak out
"Why would you do such a thing?", he yelled.
The wife calmly turned to him and whispered,
"That's ONE"
Twenty years pass the and couple are talking to newlyweds about how they managed to stay together for so long.
The husband plainly states "I never let her go past "ONE"
How Were People Born? Father & Son.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
The Funny Dad Joke
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
So I Was Wondering Whether Any Of My Friends Could Possibly Teach Me Quidditch...
...and then I thought, "wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would".
My First Time Having Sex...
was like my first time riding a bike, with my dad holding me from behind
Mummy With Uncle Paul
A young daughter is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."
Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"
"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"
"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"
A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
What's The Difference Between My Television And My Wife?
my friends wait til i'm home to use my television
Husband And Wife Describe Me
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
I Told One Of My Coworkers Who Happens To Be Mexican That He Better Hope Trump Doesn't Become President...
Or else he'll be hiding out in his attic like Anne Frank.
Why Are People Comparing Trump To Reagen?
Reagan's biggest accomplishment was tearing down a wall not putting one up.
I Had To Change My GPS's Voice From Female To Male
because the female GPS told me to pull over and ask for directions.
What Did The American Army General Say After The First Opposing Casualty In The Mexican-American War?
Juan down, a million more to go.
A Jew, An Episcopalian, A Veterinarian, A Hipster, A Redneck, A Goth, And A Frat Boy All Walk Into A Bar That Promotes Diversity
The bartender says "sorry, we have enough whites."
Wife Complains She Doesn't Enjoy Sex With Husband Because His Penis Is Too Small
aghast and offended the husband runs and gets a standard 12 inch ruler to measure up. "Ha!" he cries "I knew it was big but I didn't know it was that big! 9 inches! look!" the wife looks and says: "you're holding the ruler upside down."
Soviet Hell
An American finds himself in American hell, and sees the usual tortures — fire, brimstone, etc. A Soviet finds himself in Soviet hell, but doesn't see any fire or brimstone. In fact, it's rather level and grey. He sees a woman with clipboard, and asks, "Where is all the fire and brimstone?" To which the woman replies, "My apologies, citizen, the brimstone has not been delivered yet."
A Blonde And A Lawyer Are Seated Next To Each Other On A Flight From LA To NY...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word the blonde shrugs, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
(This is not my joke, I saw this on a different website)
How To Tell The Difference Between A Crocodile And A Alligator
Well one you see in a while, and the other you see later.
On Checking In, I Told The Airline Rep That I Was Going To New York, But I Wanted My Large Bag To Go To Tampa And My Smaller Bag To Go To Tokyo.
"We can't do that, sir." she declared.
"Why not?" I asked. "That's what you did when I flew with you last week!"
A Guy Speaks With A Comediant Terrorist.
Guy: What do you plan to do?
Terrorist: I will kill 10.000 people and a squirrel.
Guy: Why 10.000 people?
Terrorist: see? no one cares about the ten thousand peop... what did you just say?
Guy: I... said... why a squirrel, sir.
Wife Wants To Relax Today!
Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.
I Have A UPS Joke
Sorry it was delivered it to your landlord's off property leasing office ten miles down the road.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Nymphomaniacs Of America
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Federal Express Is To Merge With United Parcel Services
The resulting company will be called Federal United Parcels
Or FedUp for short
John Waits For His Two Friends Outside A Movie Theater.
One friend shows up by himself. John says, "Hey, where's Dave? We're gonna miss the movie." The friend says, "Dave's not coming. He's got explosive diarrhea." John replies, "Well that's a shitty excuse."
A Man Wanted To Teach His Sons The Evils Of Alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
Tonto And The Lone Ranger
One day Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding the trail when Tonto signals to stop. He dismounts and puts his ear to the ground and listens. Looking up he says,"Kemosabe many buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looks at him in amazement and says,"Tonto I've seen you do that hundreds of time and I'm still amazed. How can you tell?" Tonto stands up and says,"Because ground is wet and sticky." as he wipes the side of his face.
Regarding The Change Of Pm In Australia...
Thought that it was abbot time it changed since it turn-ed blue for Tony
... I'll see myself out
Regarding The Change Of Pm In Australia...
Thought that it was abbot time it changed since it turn-ed blue for Tony
... I'll see myself out
The Wise Guru
A wise guru stood in a busy road, giving his sage advice to any person who asked him questions.
"What is the secret to a long and healthy life?" asked one man.
"Ketchup and liquor," the guru replied.
Another man came to him for help. "I have been trapped in drug addiction for 30 years. How do I escape this darkness?
"Ketchup and liquor," repeated the guru.
"I just saw the woman of my dreams pass by! How do I get her to notice me?"
"Ketchup and liquor."
Lesbian Couple Waits Outside Of Chipotle So They Can Begin There Day
Jasmine and Crystal spend most there Sunday mornings--not at church--but getting up earlier enough so they have a nice workout session of P90x and, most importantly, to grab some lunch at Chipotle. "After a long week of work," Jasmine said with News reporter Ann Rox, "I like to enjoy my early mornings with a nutrition, delicious burrito bowl"--after cheerfully adding--"and the tortilla on the side!"
Crystal, Jasmine longtime life partner, used to dislike eating at Chipotle but ever since the fully divested from McDonalds in 2006, she has been eating Chipotle "practically everyday."
"It wasn't that I didn't like Chipotle," Crystal said, "it was because Chipotle was financially dependent with McDonald. And we all know the McDonald's stories: pink slime, processed apples, fries (which admittedly, I like actually) that doesn't mold--and I'm like: No thank you."
While McDonalds has been caught with a number of lawsuits, such as "hot" coffee causes third degree burn, there is the entity side of McDonalds--they're adverse effect on society--that drives customers away. In one particular instance potential customers are fooled into thinking McDonald's is the "right" choice in their dining needs. In a recent ad campaign, however, funded by Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine many physicians were beginning to remember how unhealthy McDonalds is. "We wanted to reminded everyone," certified pediatrician Dr. Ouchi said, "that McDonald is bad. That's why we physicians started the campaign Tonight, Make it Vegetarian hoping it makes people eat more salads--and less meat."
"Just other day," Crystal said, "I saw ad on YouTube. Usually I would just skip it. Make it Vegetarian' the ad read. At first I was like, okaaay, then I was like: Isn't there a way I can enjoy a vegetarian diet and a carnivore one?"
At press time there has much research done on the effects of the digestion system. One study showed people actually enjoy diverticulitis; the causing increase of gas and decongestion. In the book, "Abnormalities and other gases" written by Dr. Stinker, however, he suggest: there are a numbers of things that may cause discomfort in the bowels. "At the most core diet possible," Dr. Stinker suggest, "clients should take into consideration of nutrition value diets. Any diet which is high in calories, protein, carbohydrates, calcium, iron, zinc, sodium, potassium, and other important nutritions that are hard to pronounce." According to his study, he also suggests clients to be a "little more responsible" in their choice of "take out food." "A little more vegetables--and a lot less fatty food," he claimed. "My personal advice is Chipotle."
"It wasn't until I saw a Chipotle ad I was convinced," Crystal continues, "it was the healthy choice."
Since then Jasmine and Crystal have both lost a combined weight of 75 pounds. They're success, that they claim is "eating more Chipotle--because its good for you!" In addition to their diet plan, they continue doing intense workout session with Tony Horton. "'Never quit!'" said Crystal quoting Tony Horton himself.
How Did Rihanna Find Out Chris Brown Was Cheating On Her?
She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
Suicide Joke.
man #1: IM GOING TO JUMP (is going to commit suicide)
(everyone is in shock)
man #2: DO A FLIP
There Was An Old Farmer With Three Beautiful Daughters...
They each had a date, so on the porch he would wait to ask the men some questions.
With his shotgun nearby up came the first guy and introduced himself to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo to see a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer gave a sigh and waved goodbye as the second date had arrived.
"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
With another sigh he waved goodbye as the third date had arrived.
"Hi, My name is Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.
What To Hear A Joke?
A girlfriend..
While the humor is dry, in this joke i fully understand that this is not something many of you will ever get.
The CIA Wanted To Test Their 3 Best Agents So See If They Kept Their Sanity
So each agent had a target in a room that they had to kill. Their target is tied up and blind folded and they are given a gun.
The first agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 6 months tied up. He leaves the room and doesn't kill his wife.
The 2nd agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 8 years tied up. He thinks about it for a minute and leaves the room.
The 3rd agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 40 years. After a brief silence there is a loud BANG! Followed by the sound of a struggle and a loud crack.
The agent walks out of the room and says
"The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to use the chair!"
When I Was A Kid, I Got Really Upset When My Mom Started Buying Dove Body Wash.
I just couldn't understand why they would make soap out of such majestic birds.
78 On The Dollar...
So I'm having a drink with my buddy Lucas after work one night, and he tells me something shocking; He says "Listen, I just learned today that for every dollar I earn, a woman makes seventy-eight cents." I guess I always knew this was a thing, but I'd never actually heard anyone articulate it in person before. I was incensed, to say the least. The injustice of it all was maddening. What kind of society do we live in where this kind of shit happens? I mean it's 2015, for fuck's sake. It's like we haven't made any gains in gender equality at all. I downed my whiskey and told him, putting my glass squarely on the counter, I said, "Lucas. You need to get a better lawyer. That's the worst alimony settlement I've ever heard of."
What Does A Mentally Disabled Lizard Said To Be Diagnosed With?
A Reptile Dysfunction
ba dum tss
I'll be here all night folks
I Deliver Jokes The Same Way UPS Delivers Packages...
...mangled and missing the most important parts.
So The Other Day I Was Pressing My Clothes
But it turned out I had just made even more creases. I was so upset. I guess I couldn't handle the irony.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
So I Was Going Down On My Girlfriend...
...When I tasted horse semen.
I then screamed "So grandma! That's how you died!"
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Britney
Britney who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oops I did it again
edit: spelling
Here's A UPS Joke
Too late I rang the doorbell, but no one answered. Will redeliver tomorrow. No, you can't come pick it up.
A Black Co-Worker Told Me This One
A black man heard about a trip to go to Africa and experience his real culture, and it was at a discounted price of $1000.00. He would go to a 5 star hotel, and be taken care of for his whole trip.
He starts saving up his money. At the end of the month he counts his money and has a thousand dollars saved up. He goes to the airport, tells the airport customer service about the trip. She begins counting his money and tells him that he only has $999.99. He says I counted it, it should be a thousand, can you count it again? She says no problem, I can count again. She does and finds that he is still a penny short, she tells him that he could probably walk around the airport and find a penny on the ground. He could even ask someone and they would probably give him a penny.
He starts looking around the airport but doesn't find the penny. In his final act of desperation he asks a gentleman in a suit. He tells him about the trip to africa and tells him "I only need one penny to go to africa." The gentleman says, "really, you only need one penny." The black man says, "Yeah, just one penny.
The gentleman says, "Here's a dollar. Take 99 more black motherfuckas with you."
What's The Difference Between Peanut Butter And Jam?
A: I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
(I'm sorry, this joke was mentioned on How I Met Your Mother and I can't stop laughing since)
A Coffin Maker Was On His Way To Deliver A Coffin
...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.
An Old Man Goes To See The Doctor...
...and asks if his test results are back.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news, and some even worse news," the doctor says.
"Give me the worse news first, doc."
"Fair enough. The worse news is that you have cancer. The bad news is that you have Alzheimers."
The old man replies "Wow, well at least I don't have cancer."
What Do Read Heads Get When They Don't Brush Their Teeth?
Gingervitis
Edit: redheads. I am a disgrace.
Diamond Ring
A woman calls her husband:
+Where the hell are you?! Why don't you come home?!
-Honey, do you remember that jewelry store where you really liked a diamond ring? I didn't have enough money to buy it but I promised I'll buy it to you, remember?
+Oh my god, are you buying me that ring right now!? said the woman happily.
-No,I'm in the cafe near that store.
Before You Insult A Man, Walk A Mile In His Shoes.
That way, when you insult him you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
Your Generation Relies Too Much On Technology.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
My Wife Routinely Turns Down My Sexual Advances Because She Has Headaches. Feeling Particularly Horny Last Night I Prepared For That Scenario.
As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love. She declined with her usual headache.
I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder. "What the hell is that?" she asked. "Honey, it's aspirin. You can take it orally or it might work better as a suppository".
Child Asking Innocent Question Form Parents ...
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
We Don't Sell To Blondes
A blonde goes to an electronic store and asks the salesperson, pointing at the appliance "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is angry and changes her attire and goes to the store the next day with brunette hair, she points to the appliance and asks the salesperson the same question, "How much is this microwave for?" The salesperson gives her the same answer, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is furious and decides to become a redhead and put lots of makeup to hide her identity and goes to the store the next day and asks the same question to the salesperson and gets the same answer. The blonde is now fed-up and decides to dress like a man. Finally after a week she goes to the store thinking that dressing like a man and going to the store after a week will change the salesperson's mind. She goes in, points to the appliance and asks the salesperson, "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies back "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The blonde gives up and asks the salesperson, "how do you know that I am a blonde? I have changed my attire and looks many times and still you find out that I am a blonde, how?" The salesperson replies, "This is not a microwave, it is a TV"
I Realized Today That My Bed Sheets Are Covered In Layers Of Dead Skin Cells.
It's okay though, I'm comfortable in my own skin.
Engineering Teacher Gave Us This One.
So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome. They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.
He explains that the group ahead is made up of four firefighters that, when putting out a fire in the clubhouse a few months earlier, had been blinded by an explosion, and to repay them they are allowed to golf whenever they want.
After hearing the sad news about the four firefighters, the priest immediately says "I will certainly pray for these brave men to regain their sight."
The doctor replies, "And I will talk with my colleagues regarding any cures for injuries like this."
The Engineer asks "Why don't they just play at night?"
...Track 29, Boy Can You Give Me A Shine...
Some guy named 'Roy' was in a changing room and had just taken off a pair of newly purchased loafers to try on a pair of pants in a store. Suddenly, a seeing-eye-dog burst into the changing room Roy was undressing in, gobbled down Roy's loafers and ran out. Since Roy was pantless and astonished, he couldn't go chasing after the dog. He didn't really feel like shopping anymore, so he put his jeans back on and walked out in his sock feet. He informed mall security and they escorted him to the control booth so he would look at the surveillance cameras to try to spot the guilty canine. The mall security looked and looked at footage while Roy had some coffee someone had offered him out of pity. Well, finally, the security guard thought he saw the culprit on screen in another part of the mall. He motioned to the hapless victim and lamely said,
"Pardon me, Roy, is that the dog that ate your new shoes?"
Why Is It So Hard To Find Tylenol In The Jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
.
.
.
Explanation: Parrots eat 'em all = paracetamol = acetominophen = Tylenol
Saturday, April 23, 2016
What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?
You don't call him anything because he won't come running anyhow.
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me.
She said "I'm sorry, but you're just too immature." I looked her dead in the face and said "Get the fuck outa my treehouse!"
A Woman Was Seated Next To President Coolidge (aka Silent Cal) At A Dinner Party.
“I bet my friend that I would be able to get more than two words out of you tonight,” she said.
“You lose,” he replied.
The Kerplunk
A young man, Henry, wins a tour on a luxury cruise for two in the early 20th century, through a magazine contest. He is extremely excited and brings his best friend along with him. He takes a bus to the docks and when he sees the boat his jaw drops. Never in his life had he seen such a magnificent boat. It seemed a kilometer long and at least 40 meters high. There was an Olympic sized pool on the deck and enough room for at least a thousand people aboard. Henry and his friend are shown their rooms and they are in awe. They each had a huge room with a large comfortable bed, A huge flatscreen television and a spacious bathroom with a shower and bath. Henry's friend wants to nap but Henry is interested in exploring and meeting the people aboard. Everybody on the ship seems extremely posh and uninteresting to him except for one person. By the pool an old hairy man is fiddling with an extremely large machine. Henry approaches and introduces himself. The old man does the same. His name is Valentino and he lives on the ship permanently. In his head Henry wonders how he could afford permanent residence on this luxury cruise but he refrains from asking out loud. Henry is curious about the machine and asks about it. Valentino states that he had been working on it for almost 17 years and that it was almost complete and that it was called "The Kerplunk". Henry asks what it does. Valentino simply replies with "wait and see". Henry questions no further and decides to take a swim. After a while it is late and Henry decides to sleep. The next day Henry takes his friend go to see Valentino. His friend asks again what the machine can do. He responds with "wait and see". This happens for a few more days until Valentino claims to have had a breakthrough and that his invention is finally complete. All of the passengers and the entire crew of the ship gather around. He says that it is finally complete except for one thing. He claims that he needs a two dollar bill to put on top of the machine to work. Nobody on the ship seems to have one. Except for Henry's friend, a collector of odd coins and bills. Henry's friend does not want to part with the 2 dollar bill but Valentino tells him that this is the only thing that could make the machine work and he gradually acquiesces. Valentino slowly takes the 2 dollar bill, and turns on the machine. A loud humming noise is heard. Suddenly Valentino rips up the two dollar bill, and then picks up the machine and throws it into the ocean and the machine goes "kerplunk".
A Programmer's Wife Sends Him To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread.
On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen".
He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Penguin Is Driving His Car Through Arizona...
His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.
Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and exclaims, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"
Drunk Dude Told Me This At A Party
"Hey Katy, do you know what your Canadian name is?" "Katy A." (Katy, eh)
Maybe you would've had to have been there...
Favorite Look On There Faces
Whenever a girl flirts, or even talks to me, I'll shake there hand atleast once, so if I want to say later on "My wife wouldn't appreciate that.", I can. Then I point to my hand and say "but you've already met her."
They Found A New Cure For Pedophiles: They Turn Them Into Dyslexics
… so they go around looking for Pop Tarts.
A 22-year-old Man And A 57-year-old Woman Get To Know Each Other In A Bar
Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened the door and shouted: "Are you still awake, mom?"
70% Of All University Students Identify Themselves As Procrastinators. ..
The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.
The Dentist Says, "When Was The Last Time You Flossed?"
The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
Heard this at the dentist this morning
A Blonde Enters A Library
She goes up to the librarian and says "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."
The librarian, a bit confused, says "sorry miss, but this is a library."
The blonde is very embarrassed and says "I'm so sorry," and then proceeds to whisper "I will have a Big Mac, large fry and a coke."
It's A Good Thing The Jackson Five Wasn't A String Quintet.
Because then Michael Jackson would've been a kiddy fiddler.
Chinese And Russian Soldier
By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a paratrooper, so he put his arms high and made a wide arc with his hands, and showed a falling leave. Chinese was not answering. So, the Russian thought, maybe he is with the Navy Seals then, and showed some swimstrokes with his arms... No, the Chinese didnt do any kind of move to respond. Hmm, Russian thought, maybe he is a Tankdriver, so he showed with his arms like you manouvre two sticks back and forth. Chinese didnt answer. Then the Russian was puzzled... Well, maybe I am wrong, he is not in attacking, maybe he is in passive role like, hmm.. reconnaissance.. So, he put his hand like he hold a binocular by his eyes. The Chinese ran away all the way to the HQ to complain. The Colonel said, You know it is a death penalty to leave your post ??. Yes, the Chinese soldier said, that is way better than that Russian, that got crazy over there. - How come ??, the Colonel replied. Well, see, this Russian and I have stud across this river as posts for over 30 years. All sudden he got mad. He Told me: When the sun go Down, I swim across the river, take you from the behind, until your eyes pop out !!!!
You Can Lead A Horse To Water...
but you can't make it drink, unless you have someone to hold his head under while you suck at his ass like a straw.
Me And My Girlfriend...
Me and my girlfriend watched 6 DVDs back to back last night, fortunately I was the one facing the TV!
Funny Computer Password.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A Boy Wants To Know The Difference Between Hypothetically And Realistically
His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have sex with somebody for a million dollars."
The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.
"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of whores."
Difference Between GF & WIFE
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Optometry Jokes
I just started optometry school and I'm in desperate need of optometry jokes. Any suggestions?
Hungover Regrets
Charlie meets up with Tom for lunch and Charlie looks down in the dumps. Tom asks "Whats up buddy? Why so down?' Charlie replies "I'm hungover and i had a really bad night." Tom asks 'What happened?" Charlie replies " I decided Id go out and have some drinks. I had way too many and to top it off i had some pretty strong shots with a girl I was talking to." " I wound up getting her back to my place but she fell asleep shortly after we got there. About ten minutes later I started blowing chunks." Tom says " Well? other than the hangover and having thrown up thats not too bad." Charlie looks down and starts sobbing. "Chunks is my dog."
A Priest Is Taking A Bath
and realizes he forgot to grab soap. He grabs his towel and runs down the halls of his church to grab some. He gets to the storage closet and grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the tub. As he rounds the corner he hears 3 nuns approaching. Instead of being caught by the nuns in a towel, he throws himself against the wall and puts the towel over his head to hide his face but exposes himself.
The 3 nuns see the man standing and there and have no clue what they are looking at. One nun grabs the mans penis and pulls it and he drops a bar of soap. "Oh its a soap dispenser!" proclaimed one of the nuns. The 2nd nun pulls the mans penis and he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun pulls the mans penis but no soap drops. Must be jammed she thought. She pulls and pulls until she shouts "HAND LOTION!"
A Woman Was In Bed With Her Lover When She Heard Her Husband Opening The Front Door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A Blonde Wants Help With A Jigsaw Puzzle...
...She calls her boyfriend and asks him to come over and give her a hand.
"Alright", he agrees, "what is it supposed to be?"
"Um.. I think it's a tiger, but I'm not 100% on that, I'm having the hardest time figuring this thing out!"
The boyfriend arrives some time later.
"Thank God you're here, I don't even know where to begin!", she tells him. "It's over on the kitchen table."
The boyfriend walks over and sees the box.
"Honey, why don't you make us some drinks and put in a movie?" He suggests.
"But what about the puzzle?"
"Don't worry about the puzzle, and before you make those drinks can you clean up all these frosted flakes on the table?"
Apparently The Japanese Made A Pie Chart Showing How Afraid They Are Of Godzilla...
then one of them made it their national flag.
Respect Fat People..
someday one of them will save your life in a forest, when a lion is running after both of you
What's The Difference Between A Hippopotamus And A Zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
What's The Difference Between A Catholic And Baptist?
A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
Weigh To Funny
How do you know your girlfriend is putting on weight? Your wife's clothes begin to fit her.
A Woman Goes To The Doctor All Bruised Up.
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
I Handed My Wife Some Paracetamol.
I handed my wife some paracetamol (i.e Tylenol), to which she gave me an odd look. She asked me "why would I want these?"
"Do you not have a headache?"
"No" she responded.
"Not feeling unwell at all?"
"No, I am feeling perfectly fine".
"That's great, we can have sex this evening then".
To Say Nirvana Wasn't The Most Influential Early 90s Band Would Be...
A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial...
What Do You Do If Hou Are Cold?
If you ever get cold, stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually 90 degrees.
Getting Drunk
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
Batman's New Movie Costume Has A Clock On The Utility Belt...
Personally, I think it's a waist of time.
Two Condoms Are Walking Down The Street...
The first one sees a Gay bar, turns to his friend, and says 'Hey, want to go in and get shit faced?'
Husband And Wife Are Trying
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A Blonde Walks Into A Pharmacy And Asks The Assistant For Some Rectum Deodorant.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out aloud from the container "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Woman On Death Row
Warden: "What would you like for your last meal?"
Woman: "I don't know, what do you want?"
A Cabbage, A Tap And A Tomato Had A Race
The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup
An Old Lady Shot Her Husband On The Foot ...
An old lady shot her husband in the foot for stepping on the floor right after she mopped. An officer reached on the scene and radioed into the station. Station: "Has the women been arrested ? " Officer: "No, the floor is still wet ...."
My Mate Picks Up Women By Pretending To Be Gay
He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.
I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.
3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.
Maybe this strategy isn't for me...
Thursday, April 21, 2016
First Listen To Students Than Teach
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
What Does A Man With A Tiny Penis Have For Breakfast?
Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice.
An Office Girl Complains About Sore Throat To A Coworker...
she says she's not feeling well and wants to go home early.
Her coworker pulls her aside and says: "I'll tell you a little secret. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go home to my husband, give him a blowjob, and swallow it all. Works like magic every time!"
The next day, the girl bounces into the office, fully recovered.
"Well, did it work?"
"Yes, just like you said! It's amazing!
And by the way, I love the new drapes in your living room."
Man Marries Deaf Girl
He writes "we must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast-U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES OR 62 times for NO!
So An Old Man Goes To See The Doctor...
So an old man goes to see the doctor, who tells him that he has got good and bad news and asks which one he’d prefer to receive first.
The old man decides to hear the bad news first and learns that he has an incurable disease and only has a couple of months left to live. He is devastated. After a while, he asks the doctor about the good news.
The doctor leans forward and whispers: ‘Did you see the good looking blonde assistant with the great boobs? For the last two weeks she has been sleeping with me.’
I Track My Calories Religiously Every Day.
First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth
My First Dad Joke As A New Father
Fiance: "What's the difference between a carousel and a merry go round?"
Me: "I don't know but they have their ups and downs"
...it begins
A Family Is At The Dinner Table...
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
What Do You Get When You Cross A Dyslexic, An Insomniac, And An Agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Playing Chess With My Australian Friend
I was eating a package of crackers at the same time. All of the sudden the look of disgust comes over my face. My buddy asks me if there was anything wrong with the cracker I just ate. There was.
It was a stale, mate.
Helium Walks Into A Bar And Asked For A Beer.
The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here".
He doesn't react.
Child Have Ask Question That Father And Mother Both Have Given Wrong Answer
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Lovely Joke
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
Being Politically Correct Sucks. I Can't Even Say "black Paint" Anymore.
Now I have to say, "hey Jamal would you please go paint that fence over there?"
What Did The Dejected Man Say To The Considerate Calculator Trying To Console Him?
It's the bot that counts.
Man Is Not Needed Any More
Today I found a female colleague whose login is tarxzvf. If everyone in the company (we're fairly big) uses such kind of login, then man is not needed any more.
Edit: seems there is a redditor with the same name: /u/tarxzvf.
Sorry if you don't get it. I am not sure if it's a good joke. Will see if someone can get it. Linux/Unit experience might be required :) Can /u/jokeexplainbot help?
A Man And Woman Had Been Married...
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
What Do You Call A Gay Man On Roller Skates?
Rolaids
This joke isn't originally mine. I saw it on a video of two guys playing an adult humor trivia game over in /r/contagiouslaughter
Looking For A Lost Joke, Please Help,
The joke it making some one say twoo instead of two but i forget what two words you repeat to trick them. Please help.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
It's A Good Thing George R.R. Martin Has A Twitter...
If there's one thing he can do, it's wasting 140 characters at once.
I'll show myself out
Having Sex Is Like Playing Bridge...
If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
So A Bear And A Bunny Are Taking A Shit In The Woods.
The bear turns to the bunny and says "Hey Bunny do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" After thinking for a moment the Bunny responds "I don't believe I do"
So the Bear grabs the Bunny and wipes his ass with him.
A Buddhist Monk Walks Up To A Hotdog Stand...
And says that he'd like a hot dog. When the vendor asks him what he would like with it, the monk replies "make me one with everything."
Despite how pretentious he's sounding, the vendor makes him a hot dog as business is business. When the monk learns it would be $10.27, he asks if he has change for a 20. The vendor replies "change comes from within."
This angers the monk and causes him to unsheathe a pistol from his robe. He fires the trigger and shoots the vendor.
After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."
How Many Feminists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Don't be silly, Feminists can't change anything!
Johnnys Mom Caught Him Having Sex With His Girlfriend On The Couch And Made Fun Of His Penis Size.
He was embarrassed because he had just gotten e-REKT
A Family Walks Into A Hotel
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Note: This is a bot test
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. When She Did, I Gave Her A Note That Said "Great Job!"
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
This Christmas, Bill Cosby Is:
Krampus! a Cosby Krampus Horror Carol. Inspired by his life. Don't drink the milk
What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I Made A Knock-knock Joke For Ya
Me: knock-knock
You: Who's there?
Me: DEAD NAZI!
You:... Dead nazi who?
Me: I bet you Dead Nazi that one coming.
The Ladder To Success.
A man is walking home from work one day and passes by a ladder against the side of a building. A strange looking individual in a croaky voice says to him, "would you like to climb the ladder to success?"
"What a silly pun!" Said the man, "I'm in no hurry, why not!"
So the man starts climbing the ladder, and reaches the second floor window. Standing inside the window is a fairly average looking woman dressed very promiscuously. "You can either have sex with me, or continue climbing the ladder to success," she says.
The man considers the offer for a moment (and what an offer it was!). He makes his She says, "you can either have sex with me, or continue climbing the ladder to success."decision however and continues climbing, "this must be my lucky day!"
At the third floor window there is a beautiful woman wearing nothing but lingerie. She says, "you can either have sex with me, or continue climbing the ladder to success."
The man is completely taken aback, "this must be heaven!" he thought. After carefully weighing his options however, he decides that continuing his climb is the best choice. "What could top this? I must know!"
The man is now at the fourth floor window, and inside is a woman more beautiful than any he has ever seen, and wearing nothing at all! She says, "you can either have sex with me, or continue climbing the ladder to success."
At this point the man is happier than he has ever been in his life! "Are there two women up top? Maybe there's money as well? What could possibly be better than this!?" Curiosity now filled him, excitement causing his heart to beat faster and faster, and he decided he must find out what the ladder had in store!
Now the man was racing up the ladder, he moved so fast he flew right by the fifth window where he catches a glimpse of two of the most beautiful women he has ever seen! He finally makes it to the top of the ladder and is completely shocked by what he see's, so much that he becomes weak and almost falls!
Inside the sixth floor window there is a man more fat and disfigured than any person you ever thought could have existed. He wheezes heavily, covered in sweat. In a struggled slow voice he says, "hi, I'm Cess."
Blowjobs Do Not Relieve Headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
Recently I Hired An Ex-military Police Private Investigator To Find Out Where My Mom Was Going At Night.
After several days without a reply from either of them, I went to my mother's to investigate.
I walked into the house to hear screaming and rushed into her room only to discover my investigator in bed with her.
I was disgusted. Not by them, but by myself. After all, I should've known I hired a motherfucking P.I. M.P.
Edit: Sorry.
I've Recently Invented A New Gaseous Compound I Like To Call 'Fuh'. I Like To Spray Myself With It Before I Go Out.
It often causes people to Fuh-cough.
Buddha And The 3 Cows
"Dad can you tell me another bedtime story?" asked a child. "Sure son I will tell you about Buddha and the 3 cows."
Once upon a time Buddha was meandering down a pathway when he encountered 3 impoverished youths. Buddha told the youths that he would grant them a cow to help them with their situation but the youth that could come up with the best use of the cow would become his successor.
The first youth eagerly proclaimed, "I will take the cow to my village and use it to feed everyone for a week. I will make sure the hide is used to make clothing for myself and so that no part is wasted."
"Definitely a great use of a cow and a selfless act. You surely deserve a cow", Buddha granted him plumpest bovine.
The second youth clamored in, "Buddha I will take the cow home and nurture it. We will enjoy fresh milk from the cow until the day it dies years to come."
Buddha was surprised "Ingenious thinking my child and a sign of a kind heart. You deserve this cow."
The third child thought about his answer and said "I will bring the cow home to be sex toy" and that is when Buddha knew he had found his successor.
"Wait Dad this doesn't make any sense why would Buddha reward someone for copulating with a cow", asked the son.
"Because Buddha in all of his wisdom knew that fornicating with a cow is better off than risking marrying a heifer like your mother."
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
StackOverflow Developers Have The Hardest Job On The Internet.
When the site goes down, they have to fix it without StackOverflow
Does Someone Who Sleeps On The Ground Because They Like A Hard Mattress...
prefer to sleep on Terra Firma?
TIL It's Impossible To Stick Your Tongue Out And Look Up At The Same Time
That's right get it in there
I Was Going On My First Date And My Mom Gave Me A Whistle...
I asked her what purpose does this serve to which she replied, "to remind you not to blow it."
My Daughter Seriously Asked Me "how Do Fish Talk To Each Other?"
My response... With their shell phones!
A Family Walks Into A Hotel
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Two Guys Are Drinking And Driving
Joe and Kyle are out drinking and driving when they spot a cop checking for drunk drivers a head. Kyle freaks out and tells Joe to turn the car around but Joe calmly tells Kyle to just relax and finish his drink, he had it all figured out. Kyle sees how calm Joe is and decides to follow his lead and finish his drink. When they approach the checkpoint, Joe instructs Kyle to remove the label to his beer and place it on his forehead. Confused, Kyle follows Joe's lead and places the beer label on his forehead. The cop knocks on Joe window and asks, "Have you boys been drinking tonight?" to which Joe promptly answers, "No sir, no drinking here... We're on the patch".
What's The Worst Thing About Breaking Up With A Japanese Girl?
You've gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message
My Wife Says That We Don't Talk Anymore, So Told Her - "didn't Want To Be Rude And Interrupt".
But in the end it doesn't even matter
Why Are Roach Clips Called Roach Clips?
Because potholders was already taken.
I know I know. Old joke.
Enjoy and be safe!
At An Outdoor Party I Was Asked By A Lovely Young Lady If I Wanted To Cornhole...
I was totally thrown off by those corn seed bags she gave me.
It's Not Often People Compliment My Parking....
but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!
My Mother Jean, My Auntie Jean & My Sister Jean All Went To A Nightclub. At The Door, The Bouncer Turned Them All Away...
He said "Sorry, all three of you can't come in...
...You're wearing trainers."
Several Fights Broke Out At A Campground Near My House
I wasn't there to see it, but I heard it was in tents.
Why Can't Wheelchair Users Watch Champions League Matches In The Knockout Rounds?
Because they're played over two legs!
Credit goes to my brother, who thought of that reading a BBC news article on wheelchair access in stadia.
A Man Was Breaking Up With His Girlfriend
Man: "I'm breaking up with you, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore."
Woman: "Fine! But I would have to take back the watch, the car, and the ring I gave you."
Man: "Then I'll take the blood I gave you, when you were at the hospital!"
Woman: (takes tampon and threw it at the man's face) There, I'll pay you monthly!
How Many Dead Babies Do You Need To Turn On The Light?
More than 20, because my basement is still dark.
Godly Pick Up Line
A: How are you?
A: You must be doing fine because you look pretty beautiful
B: thanks
credit: God/Jesus told me. Or a voice claiming to be the Lord. No lie. Sharing the love of humor. peace out, stay up.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Did You Hear About The Baby Born Without Any Eyelids? It's Alright, They Managed To Fashion Some Eyelids Out Of His Foreskin.
He's alright, just a little cock-eyed.
Shamelessly stolen from /u/DoctorMcTits in /r/funny, where it will likely be deleted soon anyway.
Why Is There A 100,000 Oil Limit In World Of Warcraft Garrisons?
Because anything more than that might cause an invasion by the United States of America!
What Did The Buffalo Say To His Child When Sending Him Off To School?
Nothing. Bison do not possess the mental or physiological requirements for language, much less the capacity for complex institutions such as an educational system. The question is therefore invalid.
An Amputee Gets A Voice-commanded Robotic Arm
...and is told that to make it work he has to tell it what to do, so he goes to the restroom to test it out and says, “OK, Robotic Arm, unzip and whip it out.” [pantomime going number one]
He finishes and looks around to make sure he’s alone and whispers…”Robotic Arm…jerk it off” [pantomime ripping it off and a look of horror]
“Oh f!%# me!!!” [pantomime sticking it in his behind]
“This sucks!!!”[pantomime sticking it in his mouth]
Tommy And His Older Brother And Sister Were Getting Homeschooled Together
"So which cities in Japan were targeted by nuclear weapons during World War II?" Tommy's mom asked, gesturing at one of the older ones to answer.
"So who exactly are you expecting to answer?" Asked Tommy, looking at his two siblings. "He or she, ma?"
President Coolidge And His Wife Were Having Marital Issues (and Old, Classic Joke)
President Coolidge and his wife visited a government farm that was developing new approaches to efficiency and they were taken on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that the rooster was vigorously mating with the hens. "How often does that happen?" she asked.
"Oh, dozens of times per day."
"Well be sure to tell that to the President when he comes by."
President Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard and his wife's message was relayed. He asked "Does the rooster mate with the same hen every time?"
"Oh no," said the guide, "it’s a different hen every time."
"Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.
News For The Boss
Blonde girl was crying.
Boss asked what was wrong.
"My mom just died!" She said in tears
Boss let her take the rest of the day off.
"Thanks, but that's not the worst part. My sisters mom died today too!"
Two Old Men Are Sitting On The Porch At A Communist Nudist Colony.
one of them turns to the other and says "my good friend, have you read marx?" his fellow responds, "why yes! i think it's these wicker chairs."
A Man Is Russshing To Catch A Train
A man is russshing to catch a train at the railway station and has only 3 minutes before the train leaves. He asks another man on the way for direction to platform 1. The man replies, "If you go left, you will be right but if you go right, you will be left."
Terrible Puns Needed
the literary and art magazine I'm a graphic designer for is trying to come up with advertisements for submissions. We've come up with the idea to be inspired by classic artists/works and ask people to submit with terrible puns such as a polaroid photo of a raven with "do you write POEms?" underneath. WE NEED YOUR HELP FROM THE INTERWEBS
Three Men Were Standing In Line Waiting To Get Into Heaven
Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
A Mother Was Hanging Up Her Son's Laundry When She Found A Hidden S&M Magazine
She was terribly upset by the deviant nature of her son, so she showed her husband and asked his advice on what to do. The father replied:
"Well, I'm pretty sure we shouldn't spank him."
What's The Difference Between A Frog And A Horny Toad?
The frog goes "Ribbit ribbit" and the horny toad goes "rub it rub it."
A School-joke
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Secret Of A Lasting Marriage
Aunt Harriet once explained to me the secret of a lasting marriage: "Your Uncle Albert and I have managed to be happy together for forty years. I guess this is because we're both in love with the same man."
A Toddler Was Pooing For More Than 15 Minutes
hus: Its going to be the longest side of a right-angled triangle
wife: what??
hus: High-poty-news
My Next Door Neighbour Is Really Loud And Obnoxious. So Now I Know How Canada Feels.
Well, it's what he would have wanted more.
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me Because I Quote Linkin Park Too Much
But in the end it doesn't even matter
So A Panda Walks Into A Restaurant....
sits down and begins looking at the menu. The waiter quite taken aback by this panda decides he doesn't look dangerous and takes his order. The panda eats his meal, takes out a handgun, shoots a few rounds off and gets up to leave.
The waiter now freaking out asks the panda "Why would you do that?!?" In which the panda replies "look it up" and hands him a really crappy looking dictionary. The waiter thumbs through it and finds the word "Panda"
It says:
Panda: a bear-like mammal that Eats, shoots and leaves.
Did You Hear About The Butcher Who Sat On His Bacon Slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Jack Decided To Go Skiing With His Buddy, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
My Friend Is Too Smart
My Friend said that Onion is the only food that can make You cry. I threw a Coconut at his nose.
I know I am smart :D.
My Graduation Speech
"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you."
Barbie Dolls
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Heard this joke from a friend today!
Edit: Formatting
North West Must Be So Confused Visiting Caitlin Jenner...
... she's always putting her into headlocks until she cries Uncle
A Guy With A Stutter.
A guy is standing at a bus stop when another man walks up to him and says,
"C-c-c-c-c-an y-y-ou t-t-tell m-me the t-t-t-t-time?"
The first guy just ignores him.
"P-p-p-p-please, c-c-c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you t-t-t-tell m-mme the t-t-t-time?"
He ignores him again.
"F-f-f-fine!" and he storms off.
Another guy at the bus stop turns to the first guy and says "Why didn't you tell him the time?"
"B-b-b-b-b-because I d-d-d-d-didn't w-want him t-t-t-to th-think I w-was m-m-making f-fun of h-him."
EDIT: Grammar
Q: If Your Wife Is Shouting At The Front Door And Your Dog Is Barking At The Back Door, Who Do You Let In First? A: The Dog -- At Least He'll Quiet Down After You Let Him In.
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
This Is Very Serious Please Read And Be Aware:
IF YOU GET AN E-MAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON,"
DON'T OPEN IT.... IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON !!
Joke
If I had a quarter for every time someone called me racist I would eventually be robbed by a black guy.
I Went Into A Chemist And Asked For An "air- Arsole" Anti-persperant Spray
The chemist asks "ball type or under the arms" oh err! I also asked for a packet of 3, again the chemist said "that will be £3 plus tax" I said you piss off ill tie it on! I went next door to the off licence and asked the chap behind the counter if he could tell me the name of a good port? "yes he said Southampton, Piss off"
Did You Know That If You Scream "Candyman" Three Times In The Mirror At 1AM..
... Your parents will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed..
I Was Injured In A Violent Mugging This Afternoon.
On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
Scientist Shocked
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
The Seven Dwarfs Go To Rome To See The Pope...
Since they are the famous Seven Dwarfs they taken to see the Pope immediately. The Pope greets the dwarfs and Dopey who is leading the group say "Your most high excellence, we have traveled far for you wisdom. Are there any midget nuns in Rome?"
The Pope looks at the dwarfs curiously and responds "No Dopey, there are no midget nuns in Rome." The dwarfs start to giggle a little and Dopey turns and quiets them down. He turns back to the Pope and asks "Your most high excellence, ever wise leader...are there any midget nuns in Europe?"
Again the Pope looks at the dwarfs and says "No Dopey, there are no midget nuns in Europe." This time the dwarfs laugh much louder and start whispering among themselves. Dopey turns to them and yells "Stop laughing!" Dopey looks at the Pope with a very serious face and says "Great, wise, excellent Pope...are there any midget nuns ANYWHERE in the world?" Again the Pope looks at Dopey with an equally serious face
"Dopey, there are no midget nuns ANYWHERE in the world."
At this point the dwarfs start howling with laughter and chant "Dopey fucked a penguin!...Dopey fucked a penguin!!"