The Miller Is One Drunk Motherfucker

Okay so first off, a little backstory

there’s all these dudes and they are riding horses and shit

they are in england and they are trying to get to canterbury

cause that is where the party is at

or where the cathedral is at

or some kind of sacred statue at least

look WHATEVER

the point is there are a bunch of dudes and chicks on horses

and they get pretty bored because horses are slow

so this one guy

who is an inkeeper normally

is like GUYS

GUYS

making people less bored is what I DO

here’s the plan:

we’re gonna have a storytelling contest

and whoever tells the raddest story is going to get $$$$$$$$

so first up let’s hear a story from THIS KNIGHT I FOUND

and the knight is like SHIT YEAH BITCHES

and he tells a story

and maybe I will tell you that story some time

because it is pretty good in its own (boring boring) way

but for now we’ve got bigger fish to fry

cause see

after the knight finishes telling his story

the innkeeper is like GREAT STORY BRO

MAN

I WAS MOVED TO TEARS

OKAY UP NEXT LET’S HEAR A STORY FROM THIS NOBLE MONK OVER HERE

but that’s when shit goes haywire

cause there’s this miller riding with them

and he is TRASHED

it’s like 2PM and this guy is like falling off his horse

and he’s like HEY

INKEEPER

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

SEEMS TO ME

YOU’RE JUST PICKING ALL THE RICH FANCY POPULAR DUDES

TO TELL ALL THEIR RICH FANCY POPULAR TALES

AND I MAY BE DRUNK

BUT I’M SURE AS HELL NOT FANCY OR POPULAR

SO GATHER ROUND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY

ABOUT BUTTS

and the Innkeeper is like whoa now

slow your roll there drunky mcdrunkenpants

and the Miller is like IF I’M SO DRUNK HOW COME YOU DON’T LOOK FUCKABLE YET

THERE ARE TWO POSSIBLE REASONS FOR THIS

REASON ONE: I’M NOT DRUNK

IN WHICH CASE YOU SHOULD LET ME TELL MY STORY

REASON TWO: YOU’RE JUST REAAAAAAALLY UGLY

AND NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE ORDERS FROM UGLY PEOPLE

SO I SHOULD STILL TELL MY STORY

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

HERE IS MY STORY ABOUT BUTTS AND SEX AND CARPENTERS

now guys

before we begin this story

let me just remind you

that I am only a storyteller here

not even a full-on storyteller

a story RE-teller

so whatever the miller is about to say

it’s totally not my responsibility

this is his drunk-ass talking

filtered through the horndog sensibilites of Geoffrey Chaucer

and I will not hear any complaints

or god help me I am turning this myth around and we are going home

(I’m going to put this all in quotation marks so yall don’t forget)

"Okay so there’s this carpenter

his name is John

he’s a big jerk and also dumb

also old and gross

but he runs a pretty sweet motel

and also he has a REALLY HOT WIFE

guys

GUYS

his wife is so hot

I would eat pudding off her ass

STRAIGHT UP I WOULD

DON’T TEST ME

FIND ME AN ASS I WOULDN’T EAT PUDDING OFF OF

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT ASS WILL HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON THE ASS OF THIS WOMAN

IN THE STORY I AM TELLING

her name is Allison by the way

and she has a nasty habit of eyefucking the SHIT

out of every man, woman and child in the vicinity

and what the fuck is this old guy doing getting married to this fine piece of ass?

can you spell Gold-digger?

cause I can’t

I’m way too drunk and I think I just pooped a little

SO ANYWAY

there’s also this dude living in the motel

his name is Nicholas

“Handy” Nicholas

“Handy” as in “Handy-man”

like the handy-men that are in all those pornos

he’s a scholar

A SCHOLAR OF POON, THAT IS

but also a regular scholar

he’s a pretty smart dude

so ONE DAY

while John the carpenter is out buying wood or something

Handy Nicholas just walks right up to Allison

grabs her on the vag

and is like hey baby howsabout you and me conjugate sexwise

if you know what I mean

and Allison is like WAIT NO

I’VE GOT A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING

also I’m not entirely sure what you mean by conjugate sexwise

and Nicholas is like well that’s all well and good

but I notice you have yet to remove my hand from your vagina

and Allison is like truuuuuuuue

then they bang

but halfway through banging Allison is like WAIT

I STILL HAVE A HUSBAND OR SOMETHING

WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT

and Nicholas is like cool it baby

what kind of poon scholar would I be

if I couldn’t outwit some dumbass carpenter?

look I have a plan

and step one of that plan

is for you to stop blueing my balls

and back that ass up

SEXWISE

so when John gets home

he finds that Handsy Nicholas has locked himself in his own room

along with his Titstrolabe and his Poon Sextant

and proceeds to just sit in there

FOR DAYS

gawping at the ceiling

until John finally freaks the fuck out

because shit man

he doesn’t want another dead body in his motel

so he has his house dude bust down the door

and then Nicholas is like JOHN

THANK GOD YOU’VE ARRIVED

I’VE HAD A VISION

A VISION

FROM GODDDDDDD

but listen dude

you can’t tell ANYONE ELSE about this vision

this is a you and me only vision

SO OKAY

VISION TIME

GET READY

alright so you’ve heard about Noah, right?

what if I told you

you were about to star in NOAH 2:

TURBO EDITION

and John is like holy shit YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

and Nicholas is like okay guy

here’s what I need you to do

I need you to go out and buy three feed tubs

like for feed

for animals

and I want you to hang them from your ceiling by ropes

and I want you to stuff them full of delicious food

and then you and me and your wife will lie in the feed tubs

and you have to lie as far away from your wife as possible

because god doesn’t want your dick anywhere near her puddinglicious ass

during the storm, I mean

you can thwap all over that shit later

MAYBE

but anyway yeah

then get an axe so you can cut all the ropes when I give the signal

and we will all drop into the water

and float away to safety

and everyone else will DROWN and DIE

and then we’ll all be floating on top of the water

and I’ll be like HEY JOHN IT’S GREAT TO BE ALIVE, HUH?

and you’ll be like HEY NICHOLAS

I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE IT IS DAY TIME AND THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF

sound good?

and the Carpenter is like THAT SOUNDS GREAT AND ALSO TOTALLY BELIEVABLE

carpenters: SOOOOO DUMB AM I RIGHT

so John goes around and sets up all this dumb stuff that is super dumb and then that night he and his wife and Nicholas all climb into the tubs like GOODNIGHT GUYS

LET’S ALL PRAY BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING

and then while John is praying

Allison and Nicholas climb out of the tubs

sneak inside

and FUUUUUUUUUCK

but guys

guys

this is where it gets REALLY GREAT

cause there’s this other scholar dude

his name is Absalon

and this asshole thinks he’s SO DAMN PRETTY

you know the type

he’s the guy with the van halen hair

and he plays guitar

and every time a religious holiday rolls around

he is the dude carrying the censer

which is a big mace full of incense

that he uses to go into hot chick’s houses

and bathe them with sweet-smelling smoke

seriously

this guy had to join the church to come up with an excuse to fondle women

how fucked up is that?

also

he is CONSTANTLY going into bars

and playing his fucking guitar to try and get with the waitresses

and despite that

he’s a real squeamish dude

who is TERRIFIED of farts

man I bet THAT won’t come into play at all right?

but so obviously Absalon is hot on Allison

and when he hears a rumor circulating around town

that no one has seen John all day

(cause john is in his shed building his dumbass contraption)

and he’s like SWEET

NOW’S MY CHANCE

so he waits til like 5AM

and he goes over to Allison’s window

and he starts serenading the FUCK out of that window

and Allison goes over to the window like FUCK BALLS WHAT DO YOU WANT

and Absalon is like I WANT YOUR BODY ALL OVER MY BODY

and Allison is like EW NO

I DON’T WANT YOUR VAN-HALEN-LOOKIN’ ASS ANYWHERE NEAR MY ASS

HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN MY ASS

PEOPLE HAVE OFFERED TO PAY ME MONEY

TO EAT PUDDING OFF OF IT

PUDDING, OK

and Absalon is like OKAY FINE

WELL CAN I AT LEAST GET A KISS?

and Allison is like WILL YOU GO THE FUCK HOME?

and Absalon is like OK SURE

so he busts out a ladder he brought specifically for this purpose

and he climbs up to the window

and it’s really dark, you gotta understand

so he gets up there and he puckers his lips

and Allison proceeds to stick her ASS out the window

and Absalon starts making out with her pungent hole

and then he’s like hey wait a second

women don’t have … beards

AW SHIT

and Allison is like TEE HEE

and then slams the window in his face

and goes back to banging Nicholas

so now Absalon is FURIOUS

like, real furious

this is dangerous

this is a dangerous game now

he’s ready to KILL someone

or at least seriously maim them

cause see what he does

is he goes over to this blacksmith’s place, right

and the blacksmith is like yo Absalon

what’s your van-halen-lookin’ ass doing in here at 5 o’clock in the damn morning?

and Absalon is like NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

LET ME BORROW YOUR RED HOT IRON REAL QUICK

and then he just grabs that shit and runs out of the store

and he goes back to Allison’s window

and he’s like HEY

HEY

OPEN THE FUCK UP

I BROUGHT YOU MY GRANDMA’S RING

I WILL TRADE IT WITH YOUR TAWDRY SELF IN EXCHANGE FOR MORE KISSES

and this time it’s Nicholas who hears him

cause see he just got up to take a piss

so he makes his voice all high and he goes like COMING, HONEY

and he goes over to the window

and he sticks his narrow scholar ass out the window

and Absolon climbs all the way up there

and Nicholas rips the NASTIEST FUCKING FART

like BLURRRTTTTTTTTTTTTT

and Absolon is almost blown off the damn ladder

[THIS IS LITERATURE GUYS. THIS IS FUCKING LITERATURE]

but he’s got his red hot iron ready this time

and he just jabs Handsy Nick right in his flapping asshole

and Nick’s taint catches on fire

and he runs into the house like WATER

WATER

HOLY SHIT

WATER

and John

who is still in the shed waiting for judgement day

hears Nick yelling and is like WATER?

HOLY SHIT THE FLOOD HAS COME

and he takes the axe

and severs the ropes

and plummets to the floor and breaks his arm

and the whole town shows up

and Nicholas is like hey guys

look at dumbass John the Carpenter

he thought there was going to be some kind of biblical flood

he was trying to make me and his wife go along with it

but luckily we were too busy banging or WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

and everyone makes fun of john forever

although I think he still stays married to Allison

so I don’t know what Nicholas got out of this whole thing

other than a scorched asshole

but uh, okay

so the moral of the story?

well the moral of the story is that hot chicks make terrible wives

and scholars make terrible friends

so maybe you’re better off just being gay

because at least then it’s not a TOTAL loss if you find yourself making out with some dude’s asshole at 5:00 in the morning

stolen from: http://bettermyths.com/the-miller-is-one-drunk-motherfucker/