When Joan used a coat-hanger on Cheryl, she was already out of the womb.
Here are the funniest Short Jokes. Kickass Humor brings the most kickass jokes on the web
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Friday, June 30, 2017
The Three Undefeated NFL Teams Remaining Are All Named After Cats.
the Carolina Panthers, the Cincinnati Bengals, and the New England Cheet-ahs.
I Told My Hairdresser To Just Take A Little Bit Off.
It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.
Offensive Humor ...
If you write a joke about bunnies and carrots, it's adorable. If you write the same joke about (insert ethnic group) and (insert ethnic food), it's offensive. You didn't create these associations (and or stereotypes), but you are playing off of them. Discuss.
He Must Pay...
Husband and wife had a fight. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!"
It's Dark In Here.
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
I Tried Changing My Facebook Profile To The Tricolour French Flag....
but I preferred the traditional All White French Flag
Thursday, June 29, 2017
What Did He Say?
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"
If A Fat Person Has A Fully Functioning Penis...
If a fat person has a fully functioning penis, does that make them a sperm whale?
How Many Dungeons & Dragons Players Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
A wizard to cast Reduce Person and Teleport multiple times, one experienced player to point out that the spell Reduce Person requires a pinch of powdered iron per cast, a DM to tell the experienced player to shut up, and two now very small, teleported halflings to do the nasty.
A Man Is Trying To Join ISIS.
A man is trying to join ISIS. After finding his way to the recruiter, he is asked a few questions.
recruiter: "What do you believe?"
man: "Whatever you believe"
"We will need to work on that. What do you know how to do?"
"I can make instant noodles and play First Person Shooters well"
"Ok. Would you prefer to commit suicide to kill hundreds of people, or get shot to save somebody important?"
"I would like to live, if it is all the same to you?"
"Of course, It's purely Hypothetical."
"I guess getting shot to save somebody"
"Ok, we have to perfect opening for you. We need a new leader for our branch in France. The pay is great."
A Japanese Woman Went To The Bank To Exchange Yen To US Dollars.
The teller gave her $100. A few weeks later, she gave the teller the same amount of yen, but she was given only $90.
She said, "What wrong? I give yen, you only give 90 dorrah?!"
The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations?"
The woman said "Fuck you white peopre too."
A Tale Of Two Brothers.
One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they're going to be "men" and start cursing in front of people. They're up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it:
8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say "ass" and I say "hell".
6YO: hehehehe okay.
So they go down to breakfast...Mom's barely awake, hasn't had her first cup of coffee yet, asks the 8 year old, "Whaddaya want for breakfast?"
The 8 year old looks her dead in the eye, and says, "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios".
Mom's eyes go from half-shut to WIDE OPEN, and BAM! smacks him right across the face, and while the 8 year old is running upstairs in tears, she turns on the 6 year old and says "What do YOU want for breakfast???"
After a pause, the 6 year old gulped, and said:
"I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios"
I Went Into Panera The Other Day
The clerk said, "do you want a side of chips or a French baguette?"
I replied, "never baguette."
Three Men Die And Go To Heaven.
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife. The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife. The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
A Man, A Dog, And A Sheep....
A man, a dog, and a sheep are washed up on an island.............................A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
"24 Hours To Live!!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
A Man Calls His Telecom Customer Care
CC: Hello sir, how can we help you? Man: My son swallowed my sim card CC: So what can we do? Take him to a hospital. Man: He's talking now. Will my balance get deducted?
"Order !! Order !!"
SANTA went to court
JUDGE: "Order ! Order !"
SANTA: "1 Pizza, 2 Dosa, 3 Idli & 1 Cold-drink !"
JUDGE: "Shut Up !"
SANTA:"No,No..7-Up!
"Neighbors Listen"
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What Is The Difference Between A Marshmallow And A Blowjob?
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Wednesday, June 28, 2017
High School Jocks Attend W. Virginia Prom Together
Two high school jocks made news last weekend by going to the prom as a couple, reports Outsports.
Musselman High School student and West Virginia all-state athlete, Michael Martin, knew who he wanted to take to the prom Saturday: his boyfriend, Logan Westrope, a student at neighboring Hedgesville High.
"I asked Logan to the prom after his work," Martin said. "I gave him a bag with a chicken sandwich inside and asked, 'Are you a chicken or will you go to the prom with me?' " Michael said. "He easily and gladly said yes."
Why Did The Irishman Eat Only Two Hundred And Thirty-nine Beans?
Because eating one more would have been two-farty.
"How Were People Born?"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
After 10 Years I Have A Hard On.
A young guy was watching a threesome porn movie with 60 year old man. After some time suddenly old man was started jerking his hand in the air. The young boy asked what happened? Old man: After 10 years today my numb penis erected but my hand got numb.
Did You Hear About The Reporter Who Investigated The Ice Cream Company Owner For Fraud?
He had the inside scoop
A Woman Visits Her Gynecologist...
because there is a bee in her vagina. The gynecologist prompltly comes up with the solution and says: "It's quite simple. You ask your husband to smear some honey on his penis. Then he needs to put it inside your vag and wait for the bee to sit down on it. After that he shall pull it out slowly." The woman complains: "Thats a pretty good idea. But my husband is a trucker and out of town for the next 3 days, could'nt you just do that?" The doctor agrees and starts the procedure. He smears honey on his penis, puts it in the woman, but instead of waiting for the bee to sit down and slowly pulling his dick out, he is going in and out. As he gets faster and faster, the woman starts asking: "Excuse me, but did'nt you say, you should pull it out slowly after the bee..? "Well." says the gynecologist. "I made up my mind, i'll just shoot it"
A Student Goes To The Principal
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Little Johnny's Silver Dollar
Little Johnny was on his way home from Grandpa's house. Grandpa had given him a silver dollar and Johnny was flicking it into the air and then catching it as he walked along. Suddenly he dropped the dollar, which rolled into an alley where it was snatched up by an old filthy drug addict female. She would not give the coin back and a struggle ensued. In order to use both hands to fend Johnny off, the fiendish druggie reached under her rags and deposited the coin in her scabby snatch. Johnny managed to land a few blows which disoriented the woman long enough for Johnny to reach into those rags and root around for his money. The moment he found the money, she came around and started to struggle with Johnny again. Now Johnny was at a disadvantage and thinking quickly, but not clearly, he put the Dollar in his mouth to keep it safe. With both hands free he was soon able to get way from her and managed to run away. After a few blocks of running he thought there was something strange happening, as if the dollar was getting smaller. When he took it out of his mouth he realised that it was not a silver dollar, but a blood-clot.
"Wrong Number"
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
A Man Calls A Psychic Hotline..
A man seeking help calls a psychic hotline.
The woman on the other end says, "Hello! Thank you for calling our psychic hotline. We'll predict everything correctly for you the first time or your money back, gauranteed. How may I help you today?"
The man says "You tell me."
"Dreams And The Meaning Dreams"
Jennifer was taking an afternoon sleep on New Year’s Eve prior to celebrations. When she woke up, she said George, her husband, that “dear, I dreamt that you have gifted me a diamond ring as a New year present. What does it all means?” George simply smiled and answered “wait dear, you will come to know tonight”. At midnight, when the New Year was chiming, George gifted her with a small package. Jennifer excitedly opened the package quickly and she found a book named “Dreams and the meaning of dreams”!!
Blind Quality Control Guy
This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"
The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind guy sniffs it and says "thats a good piece of oak." Impressed, the manager pulls out a bad piece of pine. "Thats a bad piece of pine."
Now the manager is convinced this blind guy is the real deal but he decides to play a prank on him. He waves his secretary to walk up and lift her skirt. The blind guy sniffs and says "man this is a tough one, could you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and he sniffs again. "You gave me a real challenge sir but i know exactly what kind of wood that is. Thats the shit-house door off a tuna boat!"
Only One Answer.."ELEPHANT"
It was oral examination in the standard two. The class teacher asked various questions to the students. She asked Tom, ‘Can you tell me a name of an animal that starts with alphabet ‘E’? Tom replied ‘ELEPHANT’ Teacher asked him again to name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘T’. Tom replied ‘Two Elephants’ Teacher asked him the same question. Tom replied ‘Ten Elephants’ Annoyed teacher, asked him name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘M’ Tom replied ‘Mother Elephant’ The angry teacher repeated the same question. Cool Tom replied ‘May be an elephant’
50 Shades Of Grey Banned By Indonesia.
"We cannot condone this depravity," said Muhammad Adul, accompanied by his 9-year-old wife.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
A Journalist Question To A Rabbit
Q: How do rabbits travel? A: By hareplane.
Q: What is a bunny's motto? A: Don't be mad, be hoppy!
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Q: What is a rabbit's favorite dance style? A: Hip-Hop!
Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding? A: On their bunnymoon!
Q: What do you get if you cross a rabbit with an insect? A: Bugs bunny
Q: What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A: A receding hare line
Q: What do you call a rabbit who is angry over gettting burnt? A: A hot cross bunny
Q: How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? A: Look for the grey hares
Q: Why are rabbits so lucky? A: They have four rabbit's feet?
There's Only One Correct Response When A Girl Says "I Have A Tattoo Of A Midget On My Boob"
"They prefer to be called 'little people'".
A Chemist, An Engineer, And A Statistician
A Chemist, an engineer, and a statistician are out in the woods hunting. The chemist says" Watch this" and fires his rifle. His shot lands five yards short of the deer. The engineer laughs and says "Watch this" and calculates for wind resistance. His shot lands five yards over the dear. The statistician suddenly stands up and screams "WE GOT HIM"
The School Called Me On The Phone Today And Said, "Your Son Has Been Telling Lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!
'A Man Tried To Buy Some Alligator Shoes'
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".
Johnny Comes Home From Church...
Young Johnny came home from church with two black eyes. His mother is appalled and asks him what happened. Johnny explains, "well we all stood up to sing, and the lady in front of me had a wedgie. So I figured I'd pull it out for her, but she turned around and punched me in the eye" His mom not sure what to make of that asks "then how'd you get the other?" "Since she punched me for taking it out, I figured she wanted it there... so I tucked it back in"
Two Germans Turn Up At A Club...
along with a Pole, several English guys, some Latvians, a Russian, a Welsh bloke and his sheep, three Nigerians, an Eskimo, some Turkish travellers and an Italian.
They ask to be let in, and the doorman says:
"Sorry, we don't admit people without a Thai."
Just Got Burned By My Own Dad
Dad hands me a cd he got of a local country singer.
Dad: "Here you go son. Check it out; she's actually pretty good."
Me: "I don't know if I'd like it"
Dad: "You should! She's actually your age. She's really nice too. You wouldn't like her though. Not your type"
Me: "What, Country?"
Dad: "Attractive"
Last Night, I Was Sitting Next To A Hot Girl At The Bar...
...and all I could think was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..."
But she did.
Its Only The Three Cats That Are Still Undefeated In The NFL Regular Season
The Bengals, The Panthers, and The Cheetahs!
A Limerick For Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland
In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary
Little Leroy Birthday.
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
I Was Taking A Biology Test A Few Years Ago
Science was never my strong point and I was totally stumped on the following question: "What are two things commonly found in cells?"
I went to go and copy from the guy sitting next to me, but I decided "niggers and addicts" probably wasn't the right answer.
Monday, June 26, 2017
The Father Of A Teenage Daughter...
...... was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone. So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing. Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?" "I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
A Middle-aged Man Enters A Bar, And Orders A Straight Double Whiskey.
The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever oral sex..." goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".
A Penguin Takes His Car To The Mechanic
Mechanic says let me have a look. Penguin goes next door and has a vanilla ice cream cone. Since he has such small flippers he gets it all over his face. Goes back to the mechanic and asks what's wrong with his car. The mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal"
A Little Boy Was Sitting On The Curb ...
with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
I Can't Decide Whether To Go To Australia Or Thailand This Year For A Holiday. So I Decided To Weigh Up The Pros And Cons Of Both.
Australia has a load of Cons, but Thailand has lots of Pros.
Johnny Finally Decides To Marry
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
I Entered A Contest To Win A Car, But Ended Up Winning A Phone
It was Nokia, but it was still a great prize.
A Man, A Dog, And A Sheep Are Washed Up On An Island...
A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "
Johnny
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."
Little Johnny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Johnny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks his daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Johnny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out the light, I want to eat that thing.'"
TIL The Current Prime Minister Of Of Canada Has A Tattoo, And Is In A Cover Band Called The Van Cats, But...
...only the first part was Trudeau.
A Man Is At His Wife's Funeral
He looks very sad. Then the priest came to him and said: " Don't worry son, 6 months from now you'll find a beautiful woman and you'll be happy again."
The man was shocked. He said: "6 months???? What am i going to do tonight?"
The One With The Talking Bear
Once James goes bear hunting in nearby woods and spots a bear. He takes aim and shoots. BAMMM the bullet hits the mark and the bear dies. When James goes to inspect the kill, he suddenly feels a furry paw on his shoulder. He turns back and sees a large bear standing there
"Whats your name mate" the bear asks
"James"
"James you know what, you have killed my wife. now you have 2 options - either i will kill you or i will have buttsex with you. please pick"
Obviously James wants to live so he pulls down his pants and bends over. The bear goes at it for 15 mins, gets exhausted and leaves. James is wounded badly. he somehow reaches home and is admitted into a hospital. he takes 2 weeks to recover.
A month after the ordeal, James again thinks of going bear hunting. He goes and BAMM kills another bear. The same thing happens again. The big bear puts his paw on James and tells him that James has again shot down his wife. He gives James same 2 options and James again bends down. The bear is more angry now and goes at it for an hour before leaving James. James barely survives and it takes him 2 months to come back to his full health.
Now James is angry. he wants to kill the bear who has violated him twice. he goes to the jungle. Finds a big bear and BAMM kills it. Suddenly he felt a furry paw on his shoulder
"James. just make this clear to me. Do you come here for bear hunting or do you really like getting your butt fucked"
A Woman Has Twins And Gives Them Up For Adoption.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
A Lawyer, An Engineer And A Mathematician Were Called In For A Test.
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked:
What is 2+2?
The engineer thought awhile and finally answered:
4.
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied:
4.0.
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician:
What do you want it to be?
I'm Very Popular At The Gym.
Girls always approach saying things like, "Hey, this is the women's locker room."
A Muslim, A Jew, A Christian, A Pagan And An Atheist Walk Into A Coffee Shop...
and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's what happens when you're not an asshole.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
A Man Goes To The Bar
And he asks the bar tender
Man: "What taste good?
Tender: I usually like rum in Diet Coke.
Man: how do you get a Roman in a Diet Coke?
Tender: facepalm
Easy Money
My roomie came home really late last night after being gone about a week. I asked what he'd been up to. He said he'd been giving blowjobs all week and made $110.05. I asked "What asshole gave you a nicke?!" "They all did." he replied.
Why Did The Farmer Fail To Bring In The Whole Harvest Before Winter Frost?
He got lost in the maize.
What Do Philadelphia Eagles Fans Do After They Win The Superbowl?
Turn of madden and go to bed. (I'm an eagles fan)
So The Judge Says "OK, I See That Circumstance And Duress Made You Eat The Endangered Spotted Owl. NOT Guilty." Then He Leans Over And Whispers "Between You And Me, What Does A Spotted Owl Actually Taste Like?"
The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."
So A Police Officer Responds To A Call About A Gunshot And Upon Arrival Radios In.
"Er we have a granny here who shot her husband because he walked over the floor she just mopped. what should we do?"
the response: "Ok have you arrested her? and have the paramedics attended to the old man?"
Officer: "Not yet."
radio: "Why not?"
Officer: "The floor is still wet..."
I Recently Bought A Copy Of Monty Python's Big Red Book, But Was Later Dismayed To Find That I'd Purchased The Spanish Language Version...
Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.
What Do You Call Five Black People Having Sex?
A threesome!
EDIT: I'm not clever, whoever came up with the joke originally is, but thanks anyway!
In The Beginning...
Miller Brewing said, "Let there be Lite." The Fat Broad said, "Less filling, but I'm not sure it tastes great."
I Don't Get Why Robert And Cersei Never Seemed To Get Along...
They didn't even have a legitimate issue.
A Woman In Her Seventies Overhearing That I Was A Tattoo Artist Asked If I Wanted To See Her "rat" Tattoo. I Said Sure.
She revealed a bare hip and said "Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it"
There Was A Piece Of Cake In The Fridge With A Note On It That Said, "Don't Eat Me."
Now there's an empty plate and a note, "I don't take orders from a cake."
Darth Vader And Luke Skywalker...
... are locked in mortal combat. Darth Vader pulls Luke close and says, "I know what you're getting for Christmas".
Luke responds, "How?! That's impossible!!!"
Darth Vader replies, "I felt your presence"
Two Pirates
My mom just sent me this one, thought it was good
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”
Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Saturday, June 24, 2017
O. J. Simpson
When O. J. Simpson's kids wanted to go out and play, what did he tell them? "Go axe your mother."
The Version I Know Of A Classic
These two guys are hiking through the woods and come across a ravine. Wanting to cross, they look around for materials and see a pile of old ropes. They decide the best way to cross would be to build a rope bridge.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Start tying the ropes together, I'm going to go take a poop."
"What?!!?" his friend says, "You're going to leave me to do all the work??"
"Just trust me," the guy says, "This'll work. I shit, you knot."
How Is Deer Hunting A Lot Like Sex?
It's a lot cheaper if you pay to do it in a third world country, most people like to do it with friends but some with family...Kentucky...and it usually ends with a beautiful creature being blasted on the face or on the chest.
Because The Unspeakable Can Also Happen To Men I Bought Myself A Rape Alarm.
I'll be fucked if this thing doesn't work.
ISIS, In A Frightening New Development Got A Hold Of A Rocket, Manned It And Launched It Towards The Sun...
Then announced "We are going to land a man on the sun and hold it hostage unless the whole world surrenders."
President Obama went on the air and told Americans, "Relax. Our scientists have reassured us the sun is too hot for anyone to land there."
ISIS, in response published another video, "Death to America! You fools! We are landing at night!"
My Mom Told Me It Was Impossible To Build A Car Out Of Spaghetti...
You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
So Hungry
If Katniss Everdeen's friend Peeta got blown up, would the resulting crater be a Peeta pocket?
I've Been On My Knees A Lot Today...
Mouth was open...hands gripped tight...head bobbing up and down a bit...my body even started shaking with pleasure...
I was praying, praying you dirty minded person :p
A Blonde In Her Early 50's Hears That Bathing In Milk Once A Week Will Tone Skin, And Remove Wrinkles...
She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.
The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and she answers.
"Excuse me miss, but I had to be certain that you meant 27 gallons of milk and not 2.7 gallons. It just seems like a bit much."
She tells him; "No, 27 gallons is correct. I heard that milk is a great remedy to remove wrinkles, so I want 27 gallons of it so I can fill up my tub and bath in it."
The Milkman thinks about this for a second, but doesn't argue the fact and says: "Well ok, I can do that. Do you want the milk pasteurized?"
The Blonde says: "No, just up to my tits, I'll splash it on my face."
How Many Blondes Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Three: one to hold the bulb, and two to spin the first one around.
What Is A Skeletons Porn-star Name?
Mr.Boner
*edit I give this partial credit to that guy that sells meth on the street he-he.
A Yoga Pants Owner, An Uggs Owner, And An Iphone Owner Walks Into A Starbucks
She orders a drink - Pumpkin Spice Latte
A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar
The bartender says,"Don't you see the sign? We don't serve string here."
The string goes out side, roughs him self up and ties him self in a ball and goes back in
The bartender says "I thought I told you to get out, you're string."
The string says "Oh I'm a frayed knot."
NSFW What's Your Most Offensive Joke?
Here's mine.
Q: How do you get a retarded girl to swallow? A: Cum on the window and let nature take its course.
Friday, June 23, 2017
[not A Joke] - I Told My Son The Joke About Calling A Bowling Alley And Asking If They Have 16 Lb Balls - 5 Solid Minutes Of Laughter. What Other Classic Jokes Should I Tell Him?
like I said, this isn't a joke, just a request.
A Little Alley Street Walks Into A Bar...
He sits down at the only chair and asks the bartender for a drink. "Umm uhhh sir? C-could I please have some.. uhh... water?" The bartender gives him his cup of water and the little alley sips away happily.
Then, your typical 2-way street walks in, sees the little alleyway in the only chair and politely asks him to move. "Mr. alley, you seem to be in my seat, could you please find somewhere else to drink your beverage?" The little alley squeaks, "Oh i'm so sorry Mr. Two-way street, I didn't ummm realize I was in your chair. Here you go." The little alley downs his water and scampers out of the bar. The two-way street orders some Pepsi and sits down to read his morning paper.
Suddenly, a mean old 2-lane highway storms in, and yells "Out of my seat ya weenie." The street replied, "Sir, I'm trying to enjoy my refreshment and read the morni..." WHAM! The highway smacks the street on the head and the street decides he's going to be a pacifist today "I mean of course, it's your seat, my apologies." "Gimme some beer, not that pussy ass girly cola." The bartender pulls out the finest Miller Light he can find and passes it to the highway.
All was peaceful until around 4PM when Interstate 95 runs in during rush hour "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY BITCH I'M IN A HURRY". "FUGGIN MAKE EM YA BASTARD" and the two hammer away at each other. The two go at it for a few minutes, but the highway could not keep up with the fury of hundreds of short-tempered drivers that had just been cut off. The interstate grabs the highway,"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ASS" and tosses him where the 2-way street was nursing his headwound. The interstate claims victory, finishes his beer and says "QUICK BARTENDER, GIMME SOME VODKA" The interstate begins to down vodka by the handle.
Halfway through the 3rd handle of vodka, the Autobahn walks in "Out of my way, you puny little piece of asphalt." The Autobahn grabs his gun and puts 6 rounds into the interstate. He sits down and tells the bartender, "I want the blood of my enemies mixed with your hardest rum on the rocks, shaken, not stirred." The bartender squeezes out some of the interstate's blood from an open gunshot wound and uses the bullets for ice. He mixes it with rum and serves it to the autobahn. But before the autobahn can pick up his drink, a little dirt bike trail walks in. The autobahn says "Ha, I suppose you're gonna make me move out of my chair?" The trail starts screaming and grabs the autobahn by his head and rips him limb from limb. With a guttural cry of victory the little bike trail runs out. At this point, the highway has recovered sufficiently to ask the street, "Gee what's his problem?"
The street replies, "Oh him? He's a cycle path."
What Has Replaced Tonsils As A Useless Part Of Your Head?
The brain. Electronic devices have made the world a much stupider place. As comedian/actor Paul Reiser said recently on Real Time with Bill Maher, back in the day your brain held all the information, all the learning, all the things one needed to solve and answer any problem, any question. Now, the brain is just an empty vessel as all info is put into all electronic devices. A co-worker of mine couldn't add 36+22 without pulling out his I phone a using the calculator. Quit making better electronics and people just start using your brains again!!!
A Muslim, A Communist And A Black Man Walk Into A Bar.
The bartender says: "Welcome, President Obama!"
If People Were Animals Who Would Be The Dolphin?
The Cubans because they're the strongest swimmers.
...Dogs? Chinese because it's a dog eat dog world.
...Beavers? Mexicans because they're mostly into construction.
...Cockroaches? ISIS because they're still there no matter how many times you bomb the place.
There Once Was A Man From Trent..
There once was a man from Trent. His cock was so long, it bent. When he was in trouble, he tucked it in double. So instead of cumming, he went.
What's The Difference Between A Jewish Kid And An American Kid? (Going To Hell For This One...)
The American kid comes back from camp.
I Didn't Know You Could Smell It.
A beautiful hot lady sitting next to a guy in a coffee shop. Lady: Hmmm.. You sure smell great. What do you have on? Guy: I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it.
"Batman, We Need Your Help In Paris Immediately."
"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."
6 Things Should Be Common In A Girl And Tea.
Should be hot. should be strong. should be sweet. adequate milk. should be ready in 5 minutes. And lastly, won't let you sleep whole night :)
My Racist Cleaning Lady Just Washed My Clothes . . .
My racist cleaning lady just washed my clothes and the whites came out great. The coloreds . . . well they're hanging on a line out back.
All credit to u/Oloff_Hammeraxe
Say What You Like About Pedophiles
Atleast they drive slow in school zones.
credit to /u/c4rdi4c4rrest
Thursday, June 22, 2017
WHAT DID THE MINER SAY TO THE KID? You Will Laugh At This One!
What did the miner say to the kid? Miner: GO GET ME A PICK!!! Kid: Whats a pick? Miner: A pickaxe! Those pointy hammer like axes? Kid: Still don't get it. Why do you need a pointy hammer when you look 70 freaking years old? Miner: Do you even know how much a regular sized diamond would cost? Kid: How much? Miner: Over 1000 bucks. Kid: I got a five thousand dollar gift card at McDonalds. Kid: Would you like me to buy you some french fries? Please comment!
What Did The Pumpkin Pie Say To The Cheesecake As They Were Going Into The Oven?
I think this is a set up!
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Rum And Coke
Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar
Man: "What's this?"
Bartender: "Try it"
Man: "It tastes like rum!"
Bartender: "Turn it around."
Man: "This side tastes like coke!"
Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartender places another apple onto the bar
Man2: "What's this?"
Man1: "Try it, just trust me."
Man2: As he takes a bite "This tastes like gin!"
Man1: "Now turn it around."
Man2: "This side tastes like tonic!"
A third man walks into the bar and the bartender asks him what he would like.
Man3: "I don't know, what do you got?"
Bartender: "Well we have apples that taste like all sorts of things."
Man3: "You got one that tastes like pussy?"
The bartender places an apple on the bar
Man3: As he bites into the apple "Ew! This tastes like shit!"
Bartender, Man1, Man2: "Turn it around!"
A Mother And Her 12 Year Old Daughter In West Virginia
They go to have a portrait taken of the two of them. The photographer starts to adjust his camera.
Daughter "What's he doing ma?"
Mother "He is going to focus"
Daughter "Bofus?"
Good Riddance To Dumb Patients
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
I Told A Rape Joke The Other Day And A Dude Got Mad. He Said "I Hope You Have A Daughter And She Gets Raped So You Can See How It Feels."
Well I mean she'd have to survive the abortion first.
They Say Men Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds. That's Complete BS.
We never stop thinking about sex.
Harley And Vaseline
Harley and Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple ,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
'll do the fuckin dishes!
If I Ever Met An Exact Duplicate Of Myself
I wouldn't hang out with him. I'm too cool for that fucking nerd
Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.
Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
Mom: gasp
Dad: clenches fists
Mom: Honey, stop!
Dad: steps forward
Mom: N-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD.
There Are 10 Types Of People In The World !!
There are 10 types of people in the world , those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.
and one more
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest.
How Many Mizzou Students Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
"Whys the lightbulb got to be white?!"
Unfair Fight. Housewife Holly Holm Defeats Rousey With Ironing Skills...
Because she layed her out and starched her ass.
A Good Friend Of Mine Just Told Me, That He Was Adopted...
I was very shocked and had alot of mixed feelings, obviously... On one hand, they were never his real parents... On the other had, I hadn't technically fucked his mom.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Two Zebras Were Arguing One Day....
Two zebras were arguing whether all zebras are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So they decided to walk up to all the zebras around and ask them if they think that they are white with black stripes or black with white stripes. They eventually made it to one of the zebra elders, and he said "The only way you will really find out is if you ask god!"
So the two zebras take a trip to heaven and asked god and on their way out.
"So what did you find out???" The zebras asked.
The two zebras just had a confused look on their faces, and they both said "we have no idea. All god said was 'you are what you are'. What a waste of a trip!"
All the zebras started getting depressed from not knowing the answer, when suddenly the zebra elder responded, "that actually means that we are white with black stripes."
All the other zebras turned wide-eyed to the elder and said in unison "How do you know that??????"
And he responded "because god said 'You are what you are'. Had we been black zebras with white stripes, god woulda said 'you IS what you IS'!"
A Blond Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
So I Went To See A Rock Concert In Paris The Other Day...
The band was good but it was the crowd who really blew the roof off.
....I'll see myself out.
This Morning, I Was Diagnosed With Depression In The Head.
Me: I cheated on my girlfriend and she found out last night. We broke up. Doctor: Is this the cause of your depression? Me: No, I think the chair she threw at me did it.
A Man Is Stranded In The Ocean.
And he begins praying to God. "Dear god, please, surely you will save me."
A couple minutes later, a boat comes by. "Hey buddy, do you need a ride or something?"
The man responds "No, no, I'm waiting for our holy lord to save me, but thank you."
Another boat comes driving up. This one from the coast guard. "Hey, are you ok out here? We can boat you back into shore."
To which the man responds "No thank you, I am waiting for our holy father to save me from this dilemma."
The coast guard cruises away. Then, a man in a rowboat comes rowing up. He says "Hey, I was out fishing, when I noticed you look a little stranded. Need a hand?"
The man replies, almost annoyed, "No, I do not need help. God almighty will save me from this predicament."
The boater rows away.
After a while, the man gets frustrated that he had no been saved. "God, why have you not saved me? I have waited and waited, but still nothing."
To which God replies "Well, I sent three boats your way, but you didn't use any of them."
How Come Rhonda Rousey Had A Hard Time Making Friends When She Was Younger?
Because she was Holm schooled.
This Is The Worst Joke You'll Read Today . . .
A man has headaches, terrible ones, he tries every remedy he can think of, nothing works, desperate, he goes to a specialist, who does a scan.
Afterwards, he gets bad news, "Sir" the specialist says "I might be able to help you, but it would involve removing your testicles" The man is horrified "Is there no other way?" "Im sorry sir no"
Distraught he leaves the office and spends a few days mulling it over, the headaches get worse, and finally he gives up, and has his organs removed.
The headaches are gone, but hes depressed, desperate to cheer him up, his wife suggests he go shopping and take his mind of things, so he does.
He decides to buy new underwear, and while hes in that section a store assistant comes to help him. "Okay sir" he says and looks him up and down "'Id judge you at about size large" "That cant be" the man says "Ive always been a small" "Sir, if you where wearing a small, I cant imagine the headaches you must be having"
Have You Ever Tried To Do "The Dolphin" During Sex?
It's when you try and stick it in the butt and she shakes her head saying "eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh".
A Woman Speaks To Her Jewish Son.
Kid is playing in a sandbox
Mom: Come back here! It's rude to play with the bodies of our ancestors!
A Husband And Wife Are Eating Dinner.
-Look at how selfish you are. You took the biggest piece. -Well, what would you have done? -I would have taken the small one and left you the big one. -Why are you mad? I gave you the one you wanted.
I Have Never Understood Telephones
I have never understood telephones ,i mean, how can sound travel at the speed of light
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Why Did The Math Student Fail His Exam?
He needed to sketch the sine and cuisine graphs but only knew how to do cos(-x)
A Chicken Farmer Went To A Local Bar.... Sat Next To A Woman And Ordered A Glass Of Champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
A Muslim, A Jew, A Christian, A Pagan And An Athiest All Walk Into A Coffee Shop...
...and they drink, talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's what happens when you're not a dickhead.
What's The Difference Between The ISIS Headquarters And A Kindergarten?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
When I Told My Grandfather About The Kid Who Got Suspended For Taking His Clock To School...
...he looked at the pictures of the kid's handiwork and promptly scoffed, crying out "Amatuer!", and then proclaimed, "Let me show you a REAL CLOCK!"
http://www.myflyertrains.org/AF_Catalogs/1951Catalog/AF_1951_catalog_page42.htm
No wonder things were so much more peaceful in the 1950s. Bully a kid just a little too far, he may just..."oooppps" the whole neighborhood...
TIL Of A Man Who Masturbated In Public For 16 Hours Straight Before Police Arrived.
He was wrist strained.
"Woman Was In Bed With Her Lover" Clever Woman
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
They Say That There Is Strength In Numbers And That Solidarity Can Overcome Any Adversity;
but based on how recent events had unfolded, I guess you could say that quality will always overcome quantity. #prayforparis
I'm Sure You've All Heard Daniel Craig Would "rather Slash [his] Wrists" Than Play James Bond Again
And I can't say I blame him. After all, the eponymous secret agent was only recently demoted to in Spectre.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Was Told His Genitals Hadn't Developed Properly?
He got a little testy.
I Once Thought About Becoming A Proctologist...
but I can't imagine spending my entire workday dealing with assholes.
Hints Are Like Bombs
As long as they're really not subtle, You only need to drop one.
But you drop a second one just to be really sure they got the message.
Shitty One-liner: Giiirl, You Can Call Me Saturday-Sunday, Cuz I'm All You're Gonna Be Doin' This Weekend.
Is this a thing? It feels like it has to have been a thing and I just forgot where.
What Did A Young Pink Panther Sing When He Was Playing With His Magnifying Glass In The Back Yard?
Dead ant; dead ant; dead ant dead ant dead ant...
A Man Asks God...
Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?" God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?" God:"So she would love you."
A Child Asks: "Mom, Why Do Women Wear White On Their Wedding Day?"
Mom: Well, they wear white because it's the happiest day of their life.
Child: Then why does the man wear black?
A Newly Married Couple Enter The Honeymoon Suite On Their Wedding Night...
The groom begins to get undressed and throws his trousers at his new wife.
"Here, put these on." He says confidently.
"Why?" She asks.
"Because thats the only time you'll wear the trousers in this relationship!" He replies.
The wife slips her hand under her dress and slowly removes her underwear. She throws them to her husband and says, "Here, put these on."
"Why?" asks the groom..
She looks at him, a grin stretching across her face and says "Because that's the last time you're gonna be getting into them!"
I Thought It Was Sweet That The Democratic Debate Maintained A Paris Related Theme...
The whole debate was Bernie Sanders and Martin O'Malley Eiffel Towering Hillary Clinton.
I Was Chasing A Girl With A Dildo Through The Park.
I would have left her alone, if she'd just given me back my dildo.
Dancer Joke
actually, I don't understand this one,customer told me,then left b4 he explained it to me. ok, he said, "What is the difference between a lapdancer and a magician." and I said,"What?" and then he said this,twice,since I didn't laugh. "A magician has a cunning stunt." Then his friends told him they were leaving and he left without explaining it. So, I remembered and thought I would enter it here so somebody can get it and explain it to me, I don't know how to do any stunts,magic tricks. I know one card trick.Ok, somebody who has heard this one hola back and tell me why its a funny. Hate being curious and not finding out, hee, thanks
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me For Talking About Video Games Too Much.
What a weird thing to fallout 4. I know this is a repost but I just hoped this would blow up.
A Magic Genie Told A Man He Would Grant Him Any 2 Wishes
Under the condition that whatever he received, his mother and law would receive double. The man asked for his first wish, 100 million dollars. The genie said "wish granted, and your mother and law has received 200 million dollars". The man asked for his second wish, "OK, beat me half to death".
What's The Difference Between A Whore And A Drug Dealer?
A whore can wash her crack and sell it again .
According To The Second Law Of Thermodynamics.........
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me. :)
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Went To A Game Shop The Other Night.
I was playing in the local Magic: the Gathering draft on Friday night. We started at 6pm, and the final match wrapped up sometime around 11pm. It was getting pretty late, but after prizes, last minute trades, and goodbyes, midnight found just myself, the shop owner, and these two guys playing a board game in the corner.
I realized the two board game players hadn't participated in the draft and had in fact been playing their game the entire night. It was the one where you make words with wooden tiles. I point them out to the owner, and ask him why they're up playing so late. The owner explains that these two rock climberswanted to buy the same rock climbling-themed board game from the store, and they had both gotten into a heated argument over who got to buy it. Not wanting an all-out fist fight on a crowded night, he had them play a "best of nine" tournament of the board game, and the winner would earn the right to buy the set.
I nodded sagely. It's clear these climbers were Scrabbling for purchase.
Did You Know Joe Montana And His Brother Have More Super Bowl Wins Than The Manning Brothers?
And Joe Montana doesn't even have a brother!
Aggressive Driver
So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass. So he goes to the left; I go the left. He goes to the right; I go to the right. Eventually I let him pass ...but as he passed me I was thinking; what an annoying wannabe who thinks the road belongs to him with his fancy big ass ambulance.
Two Of The Paris Jihadis, Abu And Jugdish
wake up in the afterworld. Jugdish immediately asks Abu, "We great jihadi martyrs! Where de 49 virgins we promised? Where where where Abu?" Just as the smoke was clearing a huge demonic creature approached Abu and Jugdish, stopping and glaring down at them. Impatient Jugdish asks the creature, "Mister, we great jihadi martyrs, where de virgins? And it very hot here in paradise, can you cool tings down?" The creature stares and steam comes from his nostrils. Then he says in a booming voice, "YOU The Virgins bitches! And I'm gonna fuck you in the ass!" Jugdish and Abu turn and run in terror. Screaming like babies, the huge creature running after them.
I Was Going To Get My Certification To Be An Official Life Coach!...
...but I just never really got around to it.
When My Dead English Friend Nate Pees On My Newly Grey-painted German Grenades.
My late mate Euro-nate urinated on my freshly greyed grenades, great!
Paddy The Irishman, Paddy The Scotsman, And Paddy The Englishman Were Hired To Carry A Bureau Up The Stairs For An Elderly Woman.
It was a very large and heavy bureau, and they were struggling. Paddy the Scotsman asked, "Where's Paddy the Irishman?" Paddy the Englishman replied, "Oh, he's inside the bureau, keeping the wire-coat hangers from rattling."
We Docked In The Philippines...
As we were all heading off the ship our coreman was handing out rubbers so we wouldnt catch the clap. One of my buddies when we got back on the ship said, " I got the clap!" I asked how that happened. He said, " I dont know i fucked her once, wanted to fuck her again so i took the condom off flipped it inside out and did it again."
Saturday, June 17, 2017
A Story About My First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when I did it I felt no shame.
All at once the white stuff came
At last it's finished it's all over now
My first time ever at milking a cow...
Tim The Conductor
Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out awful conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him.
Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and eat his lunch while doing his job. Seeing as he could hardly work while focused, this was a terrible idea, but Tim decided to do it anyway. This was a mistake. Another train, hurtling at his train at great speed, was scheduled to pass through the area that Tim was currently in. It was Tim's responsibility to yield to the other train to prevent a crash. Unbeknownst to the other conductor, Tim was unaware that the other train was coming, so Tim plowed on in his train, not a care in the world. Biting into the sandwich his wife had packed, Tim's eyes closed to savor the taste. The other train began to cross in front of him, but seeing as Tim's eyes were closed, Tim did not see the train, and didn't stop. The two collided, the screeching of metal against metal combined with the crashing as the two trains were flung off of their tracks.
Tim was fired on the spot. Devastated, Tim went home to his wife. Her kind, loving smile upon seeing him made his insides melt, and it was in that moment Tim realized he couldn't bear to break the news to her. Acting as though nothing was wrong, Tim left the next day as if going to work, but instead drank at a nearby pub the entire day. This continued for weeks until Tim ran out of money. Crushed and guilty, Tim went home again and told his wife everything, begging for her forgiveness.
She left him.
Tim had nothing left to live for, and considered taking his own life. While mulling it over, a thought struck him; if the other conductor had stopped his train, none of this would have happened. In Tim's deluded mind, this though evolved into another: revenge.
Tim tracked down the other conductor. In the dead of night, Tim snuck into the poor mans house. The crack of a gunshot echoed through the streets as Tim shot the man. The police found Tim lying on top of the dead man, laughing maniacally. After a short trial, Tim was sentenced to death.
Tim looked blankly foreword as he was strapped in an electric chair. The executioner turned a switch, and a leathal shock pulsed through the chair. Miraculously, Tim survived. The baffled executioner tried again and again to execute Tim, but was unsuccessful. Scientist were brought in to try and figure out what was causing this strange phenomenon, but not a single one could find the truth. Eventually, the scientists became desparate enough to ask Tim if he understood why the chair could not kill him. Through a haze of madness, inspiration struck Tim. He look up at the scientist and said:
"Well, I never was a very good conductor."
I Bet The Americans Feel Really Stupid Now.
They've spent millions fighting ISIS when all they had to do was change their profile picture.
I Was In Bed With A Girl And She Said To Me, "I Want You To Make Me Scream".
So I said, "OK. I'll just go outside, put on a ski mask and then kick your front door in. That usually works."
4 Friends In Their 20s....
Four friends in their 20s go to a new restaurant, Sands, because they've never been there before.
10 years later, they reunite and go back because the waitresses were so pretty.
In their 40s, they decide to go again because of the amazing wine selection.
Another 10 years pass and they once again go because of the delicious food.
In their 60s, they go again because the quiet atmosphere is perfect for a low conversation.
You guessed it, in their 70s they go again, this time for the amazing sunset over the late.
Ten years later, they decide to go to Sands, because they've never been there before.
What Is The Best Part About Taking A Shower?
Not being able to see yourself in the mirror afterward.
With The Recent Events In The News...
My Facebook friends list is starting to look like the French revolution.
Some Friends, A Lesbian Couple...
bought me an antique gold fob timepiece for my birthday. I think they mistook me when I said "I wanna watch".
Cherry Hill
The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."
My Family Hates It When I Swear, But I Sound Like A Child Using Mild Words....
....damned if I do, darned if I don't
What's The Difference Between A Baby And A Rock?
You can't rip out the eye of, and skull fuck, a rock.
( i'm so sorry)
My Mom Asked Me If I Would Still Date A Girl Who Had Cancer And Lost Her Hair From Chemo.
i told her, "Of course, that just means she has better head!"
You Hear About The Love Struck Super Magnets?
Whenever they met face to face, they just couldn't seem to connect, however the moment one turned to walk away, they were nearly inseparable.
Car Talk
So a transmission asks an engine, "Yo Engine, hows things with you today?" and the engine replies "Oh you know, just another day in the hood..."
The Missionaries With Fruit.
Three missionaries were caught by a tribe of cannibals and told they had to pass an initiation test or it would be into the pot for dinner. The chief told them to gather an armful of fruit and return. The first missionary returned with an arm full of apples. Right said the chief they will now be shoved up your bum. Any sign of emotion and in the pot. For the first few apples he remained still but on the fourth apple he grimaced and was thrown in the pot. The second guy returned with an armful of berries. One by one they were shoved up his bum and he was doing really well, glad he had picked a small fruit. with just a few to go though he burst out laughing and was thrown into the pot with the first. What happened said the first missionary, well said the second, I saw Stanley coming up the path carrying an arm full of pineapples.
So Richard III's Ghost Appears In His Castle.
He walks into a room and asks the nearest servant, "Excuse me, where is the coronation of the new king?"
And the servant says, "Ah, it's Tudors down from here."
Friday, June 16, 2017
A Man And His Wife
So... A man is watching a football match when a tile fell from the ceiling in the kitchen. The wife is yelling at him: when are you going to glue the tiles in the kitchen? The man replays with: Wife? Do you think Im a ceramist? Nothing... Few moments later and the ceiling in the hallway colapsed. Again the wife yells at him. The man replays with: Wife? Do you think im a mason? Nothing... Again few moments later and the boiler starts to leak in the bathroom. The wife again yells at him. The man replays with: wife? Do you think im a plumber? Nothing... The next day the man comes from work and saw everything fixed. The man asks: wife? Who fixed all this? Wife replays with: our neighbour! The man replays with: well did you pay him? Wife: well... You see...He asked me to make him cookies or that! Man: what "That"? Wife: you know... the thing we didnt do in 6 years Man: well? Did you make him the cookies? Wife:Man? Do you think im a cook?
Bush, The Queen, Putin And Borisov Are In Front Of 4 Banks.
So, Bush, The Queen, Putin and bulgaria's very own PM Borisov are standing in front of 4 banks.
They decide to send in their best.
Bush sends in his best marine platoon, and after 2 hours they come out with all the cash.
The queen sends in her best SAS platoon, and after an hour, they come out with all the cash and everyone as hostages.
Putin sends in his best Spetznaz platoon, and after 30 minutes, they come out with all the cash and no hostages.
Borisov sends in a family of gypsies, and after 10 minutes, one of them comes out and says "Boss, what about the wallpaper?"
"Too Soon" Joke?
Did you hear about that International France Futball game last night?
I heard it was the bomb.
A Woman Goes To The Doctor After Noticing Swelling Around Her Stomach.
The doctor examines her, takes blood for testing, and tells her to return in one week.
A week later, the woman returns to the doctor, who says "The results are back. Get ready for more swelling, and start buying nappies (diapers)."
"Oh my God, am I pregnant?" asks the woman.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
Seenus Trouble
Dad: Son, I have seenus trouble.
Me: Seenus? Dont you mean sinus trouble, pops?
Dad: No, son. Seenus, I was out with my girlfriend and your mom seenus.
So I Just Moved To A New Area...
And as usual I had to tell everyone that I am a registered sex offender. Just kidding, nobody's found out yet.
Asia And His Father Are Playing A Board Game.
Asia's father takes his turn.
He looks at Asia and says, "Europe, Asia."
What Does A Masturbating Thug Say When He's Mugging You?
Hurry up and give me your money or i'll cum and jack you up!
The Tragedy In Paris Has Everyone Talking...
... At least they aren't complaining about a damn red coffee cup anymore.
A Man Arrives At The Top Of A Mountain And The Guru Who Lives There Greets Him.
"I can answer any question you have."
The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses? It's really bright up here."
The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."
The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective. I just couldn't see."
As the man turns to leave, the Guru stops him, "Wait, that's it? You came all the way up here to ask THAT question?"
The man says, "Yes, thank you."
The Guru says, "What's going on, I haven't had another visitor in 15 years."
The man says, "Oh, you don't know about Google."
What's A Pirate's Favorite Letter?
You would thinks it's arrrr, but it be the c.
What's do you call a pedophile, pirate R&B singer? Arrrrr Kelly.
A Man In A Restuarant Wants A Black Coffee...
So he asks the waiter, "Can I have some coffee please, without any cream?"
And the waiter says, "We're all out of cream I'm afraid, you'll have to have it without milk"
Will And Guy Select Our Top Ten Quirky Words:
Barking: Thought to be named after the London suburb, home to a former asylum site; hence 'Barking mad'.
Binge: A bout of uncontrolled indulgence.
Blighty: A word much loved by RAF types in WW2. Originally from the Hindi word "bilayati" meaning foreign.
Blimey: Could be shorthand for "God, blind me."
Chum: A "chummy" used to be a chimney sweep's assistant.
Cuppa: First used for tea by PG Wodehouse, the playwright.
Dear: From an old English word, "deore", meaning "much loved."
Grotty: Sixties Liverpool slang.
Jolly: From an old French word meaning "festive".
Slag: Derived from a 16th century German word meaning "dross".
Why Does The French Flag Have Velcro?
So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.
Only In England
Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The Problem With Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A Couple Goes Out To Dinner
The waiter takes their order. The woman orders 3 expensive courses. The man just asks for carrots. The waiter frowns but takes his order.
Next week the same couple comes in and the same waiter takes their order. Again the woman takes an expensive 3 course dinner and the husband orders carrots once again. The waiter is a bit worried and asks the couple if he can help with his order needs. Where the woman angrily replies "IF HE CAN FUCK LIKE A RABBIT, HE CAN EAT LIKE A RABBIT!"
I Wanted To Put An England Flag In My Garden...
I wanted to put an England flag in my garden but wasn't sure if it would offend muslim extremists.
So I wrote 'Allah is a twat' on it just to make sure.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
"WOMEN & TELEPHONES..."
There was a couple…the lady was very talkative and she kept talking with people on the phone hour after hour when she is alone at home. At the end of every month they used to get a massive telephone bill and the husband was so worried on this. One day they were dining at the table and the phone rang.. The lady’s reaction was immediate…she ran to the phone and started chatting.. After about 30-min she hang up and came back to the table. The husband was happy that she hang up in 30 min which was a good sign where she normally doesn’t hung up at least for 2-hours. So he happily inquired…was she busy to hang up so early??? No..it was a wrong number.. replied the lady..
Business Decision
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.
' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
Left In The Dark
Recently the power in my flat went out for no apparent reason. I told the landlord the problem but they didn't get back to me. They left me in the dark for about a week.
Hitler Did A Lot Of Evil In His Life But...
He did end his life with one final good act, he killed Hitler.
What Does IKEA Furniture Do When It's Stolen?
Activates its shelf destruct sequence.
I'll see myself out...
The Strongest Person In A Prison Should Be Called Mitochondria
Because they are the powerhouse of the cell.
What's The Difference Between A Girlfriend And A Toilet
The toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.
Saudi Arabia About The Paris Attacks- Lol
Saudi Arabia: The “heinous” Paris attacks are a violation of all religions and underline the need to intensify efforts against “terrorism,” Saudi Arabia's foreign minister said Saturday. “I wanted to express our condolences to the government and people of France for the heinous terrorist attacks that took place yesterday which are in violation and contravention of all ethics, morals and religions,” Adel al-Jubeir told reporters in Vienna. “The kingdom of Saudi Arabia has long called for more intensified international efforts to combat the scourge of terrorism in all its forms and shapes,” he said.
What Is The Difference Between A Chicken And A Prostitute?
The Chicken says "Cockadoodaldoo" The Prostitute says "Any COCK will do"
Just Met A Guy
I saw this in one of my university facebook pages: Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.