Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Dads... On The Loose...
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko...
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey.
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH.
What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer.
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter-- he can't come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag.
When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers.
Why does Tigger smell bad? He's always playing with pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.
How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash.
Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice.
You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots.
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?
Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple.
What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? "Look, here come the grapes!" (Jane was colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? "Here come the elephants!" Tarzan wasn't colorblind.
What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? "You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!"
How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree.
Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn't it?
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can't get the door closed.
How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There's a Volkswagen parked out front.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you're pooped out.
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