A Lonely Old Woman Goes To A Pet Store To Find A Companion...

A lonely old woman goes to the pet store with the hopes of finding a pet to keep her company.

 

The store owner says "I have just the thing for you! We have a parrot that I think would be the perfect fit. He speaks over 500 words." The old woman is elated, buys the parrot, and takes him home. Sure enough, the parrot is a delightful companion and they barely spend a second apart for the entire week.

 

On Sunday morning, the old woman goes to church - but not wanting to be away from her parrot, brings him along by hiding him in her purse. Halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse onto her shoulder and shouts "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Horrified, she tries to cram him back into her purse - but he jumps out again, onto her shoulder, and again screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". The entire congregation sits in silent horror, staring at the old woman and the bird. She grabs her parrot and runs out of the church, embarrassed beyond belief.

 

First thing on Monday morning, she returns to the pet store and says "You have to take him back. He jumps out and screams obscenities in church!" to which the store owner knowingly nods his head and says "I was worried that might happen. Look, it will probably never happen again... but just in case, the next time he does it, just grab him by his feet, swing him around your head three times, and put him back on your shoulder. That's how he's been taught to know when he's saying something he shouldn't." Hesitantly, she takes the parrot home again.

 

The week goes by perfectly pleasantly - the two of them are fast friends. On Sunday morning, she takes him with her to church. The same as the previous week, halfway through the priest's sermon, the parrot jumps out of her purse, onto her shoulder, and screams "HOLY FUCK IT'S COLD IN HERE!". Without skipping a beat, she grabs him by his feet, swings him around her head three times, and puts him back on her shoulder, at which point he screams "AND IT'S FUCKING WINDY TOO!".